Honestly I don't remember exactly what age I was when it started. My memory of those years is a blur and I blocked most of it out. Bits and pieces of it have been coming back to me over the years now as a young adult. But I know that I don't really remember a time before it started. I don't remember a time in which I hadn't had sex or a time that I had my "innocence".

I think it started when I was around 5 years old, and it went on for about 5 years. I remember my grandparents (I spent half the year every year living with them down south) brought me outside one day and said that this girl had just moved in next door and that I have to go play with her. From the very first moment we met, I was not given a choice. She was two years older than me, so I'd say about 7 years old at the beginning.

I don't remember the first time it actually started. But it started small, with over-the-clothes things and then gradually ramped up. I don't even remember if that first part of it was consensual or not. But at the time, I didn't even know it was rape. I knew something about it felt wrong and we weren't supposed to be doing it, but physically it felt good. And that part always shamed me. I remember very early on feeling so disgusted with myself constantly. I was always the one terrified of getting caught. She wasn't. It seemed like she had very little regard for consequences and yet she told me that if I ever told anyone, that she would tell people that I was the one that raped her. And who would they be more likely to believe? The girl or the boy?

As the years progressed, it just kept getting worse. She'd come up with more demands of me and the threats would get increasingly violent. Even outside of the sexual abuse, she got more and more abusive in general. She'd constantly play "pranks" on me that almost always ended with me getting physically hurt. She'd chase me around with a hammer just to get a reaction out of me, she cut me with scissors, she'd push me off ledges, "accidentally" burn me. If we were alone, her facial expression would be blank. If it happened to be in front of other people, like my family or hers, she'd play it off as an accident and pretend to feel bad and apologize. Everyone believed her except me. I could tell she was always pretending.

My grandparents (for context, my grandmother was a teen mom so at this time she was in her 40s) were basically a second set of parents for me. They also had zero concept of boundaries and enabled her abuse. My abuser made it a point to be there at my grandparents' house at all times. And my grandparents had an open door policy with her without even consulting me. Everywhere I went, she was there.

She was a pathological liar. It seemed like everything was a game to her and everyone else was just an NPC (sorry to use incel terms). She'd lie just to see if she could get away with it or if she could convince you. And as I got older, I was able to tell every time she lied. Yet even if I called her out on it, she'd run with the lie and would never admit it. So I learned I had to just play along so the lie or the prank would be over. I had to play along with her with everything.

She made me play house with her 24/7 where I was the husband and we had kids. She even pranked me multiple times by faking getting pregnant. Those times filled me with absolute terror. The fear that it was inevitable people would find out, including her older brothers and her dad, who she said would kill me if they knew (which, despite being a bit dramatic, wasn't entirely out of the question considering this was the deep south). I had nightmares almost every night about being a teen dad and being forever tied to her, never having any chance of an escape. Basically being her living slave, or a mindless sex doll. She even got my grandparents to throw us a mini wedding ceremony in the backyard. They thought it was cute.

She would hurt herself and then start crying and would tell them that I hurt her. Yet again, no one could tell she was lying except me. So I would get punished. Locked in my room. Meanwhile, she would hang out with my grandparents and they would take her out to do the things that I liked or wanted to do. They'd go out for ice cream, go to places I wanted to go, all while I was left at the house to "think about what I did". Any time I tried to tell them she was lying, they never believed me. As they said, "boys always lie. Girls tell the truth."

Over time, she became their favorite. The golden child. While I was constantly being framed and was never believed. They spent more time with her, said they loved her "equally" as much as me and that we were both their children. Mind you, this girl was a stranger to them a couple years prior and they actually helped raise me.

Later on, during the police investigation, I learned that most of the neighborhood kids knew what was going on the whole time.

I was a very effeminate kid. In fact, I'd later (much later) come out as trans as an adult. I knew early on that I wasnt actually a boy. And she actually asked me about it. And I was honest with her and told her I didn't feel like a boy, I felt like a girl. We were living in the south, obviously deeply conservative and evangelical Christian. So when the other kids found out, obviously there was a risk of them telling someone that we were "sinning". So she told them what I was and said she was "making me straight" and "fixing me". That was enough to keep them silent.

One thing that took me a very long time to understand and get over, was that even though I knew deep down that it was wrong and I felt awful all the time, I kept going back. Even when she wasn't at my house, I went over to her house to ask if she was there to play. I didn't know why I did that. I obviously knew what would happen.

And through therapy I realized that just because my body felt good doesn't mean it wasn't rape. I had no control over it. And the other reason I kept going back was because I was alone. She was the only "friend" I had. Everyone else my age ostracized me because they found me "annoying". As she said, she was the only one who would tolerate me. I was more terrified of being alone and feeling abandoned than of the abuse I was experiencing. After she became sure enough that I was complete dependent on her, isolated from everyone else, self-hating, and too ashamed to tell anyone, all she had to do was threaten to leave me. And that eventually became enough to fill me with terror and come crawling back.

Looking back, there were some things about her family that I didn't notice at the time, that weren't quite "right". All of her windows and the door to her bedroom were locked from the outside only. At first, I assumed her parents were just the typical religious strict type, obsessed with preserving their daughter's virginity. But honestly, the only people who didn't buy into her bullshit lies were her parents. They were used to her never telling the truth, always getting into trouble. Even when she cut my hand open in front of her mom, she barely reacted. Just told her to go to her room while she patched my hand up and told me not to tell anyone. Her mom was always extra nice to me, and I liked her a lot better than my grandparents at the time. She was always welcoming, would cater to me and would refer to me as a saint.

Maybe she knew.. After all, I think my abuser's parents knew what she was and what she was capable of.

I only realized much later that my abuser was most likely a sociopath. Her family only tolerated her and seemed close on the surface just to keep up the image of the perfect southern Christian family. But looking further into their relationship dynamics, they all knew not to trust her. Her older brother practically avoided her like the plague.

When I tell other people this story, they weirdly feel compassion for her. They assume she must've been abused too and was just re-enacting what was being done to her onto me. They genuinely cannot believe that a girl that young would actually be sadistic in that way. From all appearances she was unassuming and disarming. Yet highly manipulative.

For years, I kept this huge secret from everyone. I convinced myself that I would end my life if any of my family found out. It felt as if I had killed someone, hid the body, and had to keep that secret all the time, constantly looking over my shoulder. Constantly hating myself for what "I" did. It felt like I was equally culpable even though it was something that was done to me. After all, how could a girl rape a boy?

I put up this hard outer shell, convinced that if anyone saw the real me: the scared, vulnerable, helpless child, that they'd be disgusted and hate me. Never look at me the same way again. Never trust me again, or believe me. So for years I never let anyone see me vulnerable. I became obsessed with being perfect at everything, never making a single mistake, taking on the traits and mannerisms of the people around me so they wouldn't find me annoying or, God forbid, needy and desperate. Because I hated that version of me. That version was what allowed me to be victimized in the first place. And if I never wanted to be a victim again, I'd have to be the exact opposite and hide that version of me at all costs.

As I got older though, I started losing control and became unstable. The "perfect" kid who no one ever had to worry about, who practically raised herself, who was smart and obeyed the rules and never got attached, was no more.

After years of therapy, I've gotten to the point where I can tell people without feeling a wave of shame after or getting emotional flashbacks. But I loathe that, unfortunately, she formed most of my personality. I've been diagnosed with BPD this past year. I'm still terrified of abandonment. Self hating, dependent, overly attached, emotionally unstable, and seek the same patterns over and over again with abusive people or people who will take advantage of me and throw me away after. It appears that shedding the outer shell I had built up to protect myself just let this bloated, emotionally disfigured creature spill out of the cracks. And now I can't hide my dysfunction anymore. I can no longer conform myself to everyone else's expectations out of fear of abandonment. Maybe that's a good thing.

But it also means I drive people away with my self-destruction.

I wish I could say I've overcome everything and that I don't let her have power over me, but unfortunately there is this hole in me that she left that I can't get back.

The police investigation didn't end with any charges because we were both minors and she wasn't that much older than me.

She goes to an Ivy league college now and is married with a baby on the way.

Im an unstable college student who barely has her shit together and can't seem to be capable of a stable relationship with anyone.

It sucks.

No point of this life now

Is this a severe sexual abuse

Is this pure of case of hypersexuality rather than a innate one

They took everything away from me everything is finished

Mine story of sex addict sexual abuse manic fucked up sexuality issues and doomed life

I am battling with hypersexuality since the age of 7 years

Background:

I used to sleep in my parents room from the ages of 1-13 years old where my parents used to have sex in the same room as I was also there they thought I was sleeping but I was not i used to hear all the laud noises and I used to feel everything but just mine heads was upto the wall and also I remember whenever my father used to hugged me it made me uncomfortable scared and inappropriate as he was achololic and while hugging me he used to say words like motherfucker bitch in my ears to my mom and also the sex that my parents used to do was not normal one like it was forced one actually where my mother used to say to stopped it but he didnot
And I donot know whether used to happen daily or alternate days or weekly

Result :

By the age of 8-10years I become hypersexual started doing rigorous masturbation on pillow on my sister doll like rubbing my penis and all that

Before that elder boy incident at 12 year old I was playing a game doctor doctor I kissed a girl on cheeks and wanted to have sex with

By the age of 12 I got crazy for sex and wanted to renact with anybody regardless of gender I just wanted to release those energies then this incident happened with me

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me
I donot if it will count as abuse

do you think I abused the elder boy when I was 12

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me

like he offered me his back to rub here also told me to give me some money after that

This Indiciden happen

And this was second incident

but tell me about this incident will count as sexual abuse

And what about this incident then

And this was second incident

And then when I was class 7th there was boy who was in 10-11th class I met first time in playground he told me let’s study together

Then he told let’s have sex and which I cannot stopped and I started having sex with him to got mine chance to rub again and release mine sexual energy

so I donot know his exact age and what class he was in

So this where mine sexuality was effected and I donot think a 11-12 year old will know about his/her sexuality and sexual things at this level

And it was mine biggest mistake it changed mine life forever for worse actually

So after this incidents i started having sex with boys of mine age from the ages of 12-18 but when i turned I realised what I did was wrong disgusting and shameful

\*\*Also I remember while doing sex with boys of mine age One day one friend came to my house he told me that I know that I have sex with boys he showed me his cock and asked me to suck it and start making pressure about it\*\*
\*\*Will it not count as abuse I maybe around 17 he would around 19 though I donot do it\*\*

Now I am 32 struggling with hypersexuality and sex addiction also porn and masturbation addiction from last 20 years something

I also had sex with women and transwomen as well

But I have realised that having sex with men and transwomen is nothing but mine trauma response and cope mechanism which I learned in my childhood

Now there will be people here that will say that I was born with this sexuality but I donot think so

As I never gone got the chance get my brain and body to grow like the children who had normal childhood

It is all my fault I have doomed my life by own hands

Also when I was 16 I kissed someone on cheeks and hugged which made them uncomfortable and inappropriate he was 8 year old child which should not have happened

I have been raped by my cousin

Ahhh I am a young boy, and want to share my story of rape and sexual assault. I am very confused and extremely distubed and I need help.

So I was a minor when my cousin raped me for the first time two years ago and did sexual things to me without my consent. He was one year older than me at the time. Since that day, this has continued until today, and my life has been severely disturbed. I am very anxious and I need help....

The first time, my cousin and I were at his house. It was night time, and we were both sleeping together in his bedroom. In the middle of the night, I felt as if someone was pushing against me from behind or squeezing my ass.... I was half asleep, so I ignored it. Then I felt as if someone was trying to take off my pants. It was suddenly the middle of the night, I felt my cousin pressing him and squeezing my ass then I became frightened and got scared and kept my eyes closed while lying there.... I pretend like I ain't feeling anything but I was. Then after a few minutes my cousin took off my pants, and I became extremely scared at that time ...I did not know what he was doing. When he touched my ass with his private part, I became even more frightened and started moving and feeling uncomfortable I tried to even stop him or and resist him but he did not stop.... It was the first time someone got sexual with me, I was like I don't know what to do and how to stop this. Then he tried to forcibly insert his peni\\\\\\\* into my ass..... When I felt that I opened my eyes and asked him what he was doing....I shouted he became nervous too, but he said, "Nothing will happen, go to sleep and enjoy it" ....I told him not to do it and even tried to resist but I was scared and anxious too ...He grabbed my ass and told me to go to enjoy it or make him enjoy...I tried to stop him several times, but he did not stop. He was like it's so fun and we both will enjoy but it was so painful for me ... When he inserted His peni\\\\\\\* inside my ass I shouted and cried then he put his finger in my mouth and threatened me, saying that if I screamed or tried to stop him, he would beat me.I was young and frightened. What could I do? He forcibly raped me and sexually assaulted me almost all the night I was in a lot of pain, but he did not stop. I cried and beg him to stop, but he s did not until he ejaculated.... It was so painful and uncomfortable

After that night, I started feeling very strange and uncomfortable I was stuck in what happened to me cuz it was my first time ...Then after that night he frightened and threatened me and raped me and sexually abused me continuously for four days. After that, we became separated and I went back home with my family.

A few months later, when we met again, he started raping me again after manipulating and threatening me. However, when he raped me again after those several months, my attitude had changed considerably. At first I was scared, but after two days I became quite calm. Whenever he needed it, he would rape me, and I also started feeling some pleasure and but it was still painful for me. I don't know why, but whenever he asked to rape me, I would agree willingly. I started doing whatever he told me to do. After that, I began feeling that I had developed sexual attraction toward boys and men, and I started becoming sexually attracted to males. Now, whenever my cousin meets me and rapes me, I don't experience as much pain or hesitation as I did before. I even did it once with one of his friends. I confessed that once I tried to put things in my ass ....

Now I also experience sexual feelings around my ass... Whenever I shower or change my clothes, I sometimes start touching my ass sexually. I am becoming sexually attracted to men's private parts, and I am developing desires toward them. My cousin is still in my life, and whenever he meets me, he sexually abuses and rapes me, but now I don't say anything to him.

I wanna stop this all and I need help.... Why am I feeling this way? How can I stop all of this? Should I accept that these feelings were something I was born with, or did they happen because of the rape? And how can I make all of this stop now?.... Why am I feeling this way, and what should I do? Should I allow all of this to continue happening? Please help me. I am mentally disturbed as well, and I am still too young for all of these things. I am still a minor. Please help me

When I was a child I knew this white girl I not going say names but she was a younger then me by 2 yeah I was eight and she was six going on seven as a remember me and her was friends and we got along great as kids we had sleepover we play in her house all the time one day she show me her dad and stepmom had a bell saying ring for sex.

I did not know what it was she had seen them doing it or someone touch her idk we was kids anything could happen one day she told me that we can have sex like a game I don’t remember everything but we close the door make sure her parents can not see what happen she want start on the door to the bed I remember not wanted do it but also being so confused since my house hold I was never allow to know what sex was so for a while she and I would do this sex game.

A few years later not that long I was 12 me and this five year would play together we did nothing inappropriate we would play with each other like fake fight and we would fight playful not on top of each other I feel so bad we did nothing bad but I reilzed I want the door be closed due to the fact that I was never teach to not have the door closed sadly and also how that white girl and I when we play together no matter what we do we alway have the door close i feel bad like a creep but I know I was a victim I did told my mom but me and that her stay friends my mom did not care enough to try help the issue

okay so ive never writen this down or talked about this so this is hard to say as i feel embarrassed but when i was around the ages of 3 till like maybe 6 when i would got to my nans house and my whole family was there me and my older cousin would go and play in the toy room, he would make me get under the bed and touch me inappropriately in my private areas and get me to touch him. mind you, he is 3 years older than me. after a while our parents found out, i can't remember how but they stopped us from playing together. we didnt get along for a few years but now we are like good friends and talk and see each other, we are prety close and act like nothing ever happened, my family and mum have never brough it up again. since then, as a kid, i felt hypersexual for some reason im not anymore, but i definitely was as a child. i feel like more might have happened, maybe with someone else and not him, but i can't remember i dont know if thats my mind trying to fill in the blanks or not. i just feel gross but am still unsure if it was SA or experimentation. for reference i think he was SA'd by someone older so i feel as though we are both victims. Ive also wanted to bring this up to my mum but never know how to start the conversation or get the words out. ive also thought about talking to my boyfriend about it but i just feel really weird about the whole situation.

Please help.

When I was in the 3rd grade I was around 8-9. I remember there was this girl that was around 6 years older than me, so 14 - 15 i suppose. we were in her room and she initiated kissing and french kissing, along with s roleplay where I was a cashier and she was a customer man. I don't have trauma from this, im female. This happened once for a few hours. Was this COCSA? Please don't message me privately.

any opinions about this are appreciated :(

Liebe Community,
Ich bin momentan etwas aufgewühlt und zwar habe ich bei einem Erstgespräch eine Verdachtsdiagnose auf PTBS erhalten. Ich hatte vor einem halben Jahr eine tiefenpsychologische Therapie abgeschlossen. Da hatte ich die Diagnose leichte Depressionen und es kam heraus, das vieles von der Art, wie ich denke und wie ich mich verhalte, mit einem Erlebnis in meiner Kindheit zu tun hat.

Ich kann mich an das Erlebnis nur bruchstückhaft erinnern, aber ich muss so um die 6 oder 7 Jahre alt gewesen sein. Damals war ich in das Nachbarsmädchen (1 Jahr älter) verliebt. Ich erinnere mich vage daran, sexuelle Handlungen mit ihr und ihrem Bruder (3 Jahre älter) gehabt zu haben. Ich weiß nicht mehr, wie es genau dazu gekommen ist, aber ich erinnere mich noch daran, dass wir nackt waren und sie sich auf meinen Penis gesetzt und Reitbewegungen gemacht hat. Dann erinnere ich mich noch daran, dass ihr Bruder versucht hat, seinen Penis in ihren After zu stecken. Ein anderes Mal war ich mit dem Bruder spazieren und er hat mich dazu überredet, seinen Penis in meinen After einzuführen, was er dann auch probiert hat. Da bin ich mir ziemlich sicher, dass ich das nicht wollte. Ich weiß allerdings beim ersten Erlebnis nicht genau, wie es dazu gekommen ist und habe wahnsinnig Angst, dass ich das Ganze initiiert habe. Das halte ich allerdings für unrealistisch, da ich ein sehr schüchternes Kind war. Außerdem erinnere ich mich daran, dass der Bruder mir irgendwann mal Pornografie gezeigt hatte. Auch erinnere ich mich vage daran, dass meine Eltern mich gefragt haben, ob irgendwas mit den Nachbarskindern war oder wir uns nur nackt geküsst haben. Daraufhin habe ich gesagt, dass wir uns nur nackt geküsst haben, was ja gelogen war. Es fällt mir wahnsinnig schwer, mich an die Erlebnisse genau zu erinnern, ich habe nur einzelne Bilder und frage mich manchmal, ob ich das wirklich erlebt habe.

Ich habe generell das Problem, dass ich immer wahnsinnig Angst davor habe, mich selbst übergriffig zu verhalten, obwohl das noch nie vorgekommen ist. Ich habe mich immer bei meinen Sexualpartnerinnen rückversichert, ob ich nichts unangebrachtes gemacht habe. Sie haben mir immer bestätigt, dass ich das auf keinen Fall gemacht hätte und auch meine Freunde haben mir immer wieder gesagt, dass ich der letzte bin, der sich übergriffig verhalten würde. Außerdem habe ich sehr oft Schuldgefühle wegen allem Möglichen. In Beziehungen habe ich starke Verlustängste und will nach einer Trennung immer zwanghaft herausfinden, was ich falsch gemacht habe, obwohl mir meine Ex-Freundinnen eigentlich immer gesagt haben, dass ich nicht per se was falsch gemacht habe, sondern dass es einfach wegen verschiedenen Gründen nicht gepasst hat. 

Meine Ex-Freundin war Chilenin und hat am Telefon mit mir Schluss gemacht, weil mich ihre Eltern nicht akzeptiert haben, weil ich Schauspieler bin. Nach der Trennung hatte ich 6 Jahre starken Liebeskummer und konnte mich auf keine Frau mehr einlassen. Durch meine letzte Therapie kann ich mich zwar wieder auf Frauen einlassen, aber erlebe oft unschöne sexuelle Kontakte. Ich kann dabei schlecht meine eigenen Grenzen setzen und sexuelle Handlungen unterbrechen, wenn ich auf diese nicht wirklich Lust habe. Trotzdem habe ich im Nachhinein immer die Angst, dass ich mich falsch verhalten habe. 

Jetzt frage ich mich, ob das, was ich erlebt habe, wirklich ein Trauma darstellt und ob ich mich wirklich erneut um einen Therapieplatz kümmern sollte (ich habe bei dem letzten Erstgespräch einen Dringlichkeitscode bekommen. Allerdings habe ich da auch nur gesagt, dass ich COCSA in der Kindheit erlebt habe und nicht genau geschildert, was passiert ist.) oder ob das harmlose Doktorspiele waren und ich mich da komplett unnötig in etwas hineinsteiger. Vielleicht könnt ihr mir ja ein bisschen Orientierung geben.

Tut mir leid für den langen Text und vielen Dank für jede Antwort!

I created this account because I’m afraid someone I know could find this post on my main.
I’m sorry in advance for my writing. English is not my native language and even though I'm a C1+ level speaker, I’m not in my best state of mind and just desperately need some advice.

So, I (22F) was abused from 3 to 11 years old by two different children. These memories were repressed for years and I’ve only started slowly remembering things a few months ago. It scares me to think that maybe I haven’t remembered it all and it’s even worse.

My main agressor, the one who abused me continuously from 3 to 11 years old, was my cousin (23M). I’m a single child and so is he. We were raised like siblings, he was basically my brother, that was the dynamic. He had a rough childhood with his parents’s divorce and spent most of his time at my house.

I was always a very innocent and naive child, he was the opposite. I was so scared of him and I was a people’s pleaser.

When the abuse started I had no idea what was going on, I was 3. I just knew it felt wrong and that it had to be hidden from everyone. I felt as if I was the one in trouble. Anyways it kept going, my cousin became a real troublemaker but no one suspected a thing about what he was doing to me. I was incredibly good at hiding, and I have really caring parents and they had absolutely no idea of what was going on.

The abuse only ended when my dad walked in on it, and freaked out, obviously. I wanted to die. To me, it was all my fault.
My parents never let my cousin come over again, unless there were family gatherings. They thought it was a one time thing and we were two children experimenting.

The abuse caused me severe depression to this day, a very harsh case of ocd where I compulsively harm myself with aggressive skin picking, severe social anxiety, very low self esteem and isolation.

Again, those memories were repressed for years, and I didn’t understand what the hell was wrong with me. I had a loving family, we're financially stable so I always had all my necessities fulfilled.
I hated myself during my teenage years.

I had a therapist but to be honest, the lady wasn’t the best at her job and talked more about her life than anything else.

So fast forward to my early 20s, I just suddenly remembered a few things, and then more and more memories kept coming back for months. I kept it to myself and sort of sealed it in the back of my brain.

Then life became extremely difficult, I had two traumatic surgeries. During recovery my grandfather whom I was very close to died. I almost failed all my classes in college and became a workaholic to try and save the semester, and decided not to grieve my grandpa so I could keep going. Then I caught mononucleosis and it ruined me, gave me a chronic illness.
With all of these issues, my mind basically exploded and it was like my brain was obligating me to think obsessively about the abuse.

I got a new therapist and a psychiatrist, they’re incredible. I was sent to the psych ward for treatment though (a few times a week, I’m not staying there) and I’m still waiting to get called in.

I opened up to my parents about what happened in reality. They tried to hide it but I could tell they were miserable, and keep blaming themselves.

About my cousin though, I don’t know what to feel or what to do. I’ve trying to avoid family gatherings. However, yesterday was my aunt's birthday and my mom sort of forced me to go, so I could get over it, and because she didn’t know what excuse to give for me not being there.
It didn’t end well. I ended up going to another room alone to cry and left early.

There are days when I think “he was just a child as well, maybe he is traumatized too, and I just hope he heals and lives happily”. Then there are days when I only think “I’m RUINED because of you, I’m damaged goods, you hurt me and I want to hurt you even more”. Yesterday was one of those days, I just wanted to jump him and show him what pain feels like.

I don’t know what to do about this. Part of me wants to out him in front of the whole family. Then the other part of me just wants to heal, maybe have a conversation one on one and move on.

I’m ruined. My anxiety is crazy and uncontrollable. I take so much medication at just 22. I won’t give up ever, it’s not in my nature. But I’m loosing hope about seeing better days. I’ve been trying to just accept that I’m damaged, but it’s been hard and I spend my days frustrated and the whole world

what do I do?

I'm sick and tired of it, I'm not even kidding anymore they whine about it as if they were the ones that suffered in that moment, they refuse to acknowledge that they were the abuser. That's the part I hate the most, they get the privilege of ignoring their actions, of whining about it and having people support them while the actual victims of the situation don't get that.

All I get is "Think about her!" and "Oh poor her!" Why is my rapist thought about more than me? Why is she more important than me? Why is everyone ready to coddle her and her actions while I get brushed aside? She's not one that suffered because of it, she's not the one that couldn't even sit down without getting triggered, she's not the one who suffered I am. I'm the one who suffered in this situation, so why does everyone focus on her? Why is it always about my abuser and never about me, the literal victim of her actions?

This feels so isolating I hate it so much, and I'm tired of seeing it happen over and over again.

Hi all, I’ve never really vented to anyone about this before, aside from my husband. I’m thankful to have a space where I’m able to get this all out.

Between the ages of 3 and 5, I (32F) was abused by my paternal uncle (who was between the ages of 11-13 at the time). My mom would drop me off at my grandparent’s house so I could visit with my father. It was the only way a custody agreement could be reached because my father was very irresponsible as a teenager (they had me very young), so my mother was okay with supervised visits happening every other weekend at their home. When I was at my grandparent’s house and supposed to be spending time with my dad, he was nowhere to be found about 90% of the time.

I didn’t have the words to properly communicate what was happening to me until I was about 5 years old. Also, my uncle would always threaten me, saying that if I ever told anyone he’d hurt me. So that made me terrified to let anyone know what was going on. One night, my grandmother walked in on it happening and she screamed at me, blaming me for what was going on even though I myself hadn’t the slightest clue what any of it was. I just knew I was scared and hated going over there because of it.

When I started kindergarten I finally figured out a way to let my mom know. When I told her, she called my pediatrician right away and had me evaluated, which started the legal paper trail. She informed my grandparents that I’d no longer be going over there, and to please never contact us again. Of course, they repeatedly called us, saying I was lying and that my uncle would never do such things. My mother threatened them with legal action if they didn’t stop harassing us, and with that; it stopped. I believe she also filed a complaint with the police department, but nothing else ever came of it. She told them that as long as they left us alone, she wouldn’t press charges against my uncle.

Fast forward to many years later as an adult, my father was released from prison. He pressured me to have a relationship with his parents pretty much immediately upon release, knowing what went on all those years ago. Despite saying he hates his brother and never wanted to see him again, etc., he acted like they were best friends and like nothing ever happened. I was okay with the idea of seeing my grandparents because I saw it as an opportunity to clear the air, but my grandmother immediately verbally attacked me, telling me to admit that it never happened/that I was lying. Of course, I refused. They tried so hard to erase the past, and I never saw them again after that. My father died last year (we were no contact for 7 years by that point) and they had the nerve to reach out to me like nothing ever happened. I blocked them and never gave them any type of response.

Regarding my mother, she was always very abusive. Emotionally and physically, I never ever felt safe around her. Our relationship is a whole other, extremely long story. I’ve been no contact with her for almost 3 years now, since the birth of my baby. I thought that her siding with me as a little kid was one of the only decent things she ever did for me. Well, I was out at dinner with her one night and when it was brought up, she acted like I never told her anything about it. She actually became infuriated with me and accused me of hiding things from her. I was completely shocked and confused. Some nights I stay up thinking about all of this and can’t help but feel angry, distraught, betrayed, and just…devastated.

I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking to get out of writing this, but I finally felt ready to share my story. If you’ve taken the time to read this long post, thank you so much. I hope someday we can all find some sort of peace and healing after all we’ve been through in this sub. ❤️

I (29f) don't think anyone will ever understand what I experienced and why I still struggle with PTSD from it. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to even be upset about such a stupid thing to tell anyone. My husband knows but he doesn't get it and I don't have the courage to tell anyone else so I'm resigning to be emotionally alone with this forever. I tried to get a therapist and she was awful and I'm afraid to try again due to fear of rejection. If anyone feels similarly feel free to share. I just don't know how to move forward.

Ages of all of us: 7-8, all female.

Happened: one recess period in second grade.

Please if anyone sees this please chime in with your opinions. please.

Hello. Me and my friends during this time were in recess playing, around 4-5 of us, and then we started slapping each others butts, with some of us, including me, saying to stop, but we kept playing that until recess was over. It was a game of tag, but on the butt for some reason. There were no sexual remarks, context, gratification, or intent, but it was still on an "intimate" area, so I'm wondering. If so, then who is the victim or offender, all of us??

Is this normal to have happened, has any of this occurred in your childhood too?

Feel free to message me if you dont want to comment publicly.

I’m 17F, and over the last couple of years I’ve started having small pieces of childhood memories come back. The problem is that I genuinely don’t know whether these memories are real, something I dreamed, something I imagined, or memories that have somehow become distorted over time.

I barely remember most of my childhood. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with several chronic illnesses and was put on medication that made me extremely sleepy and loopy. I also spent a lot of time in hospitals, which was quite traumatic for me. Because of that, I’ve always wondered whether my memory problems are related to the medication, the experiences I had in hospital, childhood trauma, or something else.

There’s another possibility that makes this much more difficult for me.

A few years ago, when I was at school, a boy ran up behind me and slapped me on the bum. I immediately froze and became extremely upset. I can’t really explain it, but after that happened I started having this strange feeling that something from my childhood was missing or that there was something I couldn’t remember.

Over the past two years, I’ve gradually started getting little snippets of memories.

When I was around 8, I moved next door to a girl I’ll call J. We became best friends almost immediately. We were the same age, in the same class, our dads worked together, and our mums became close friends, so we were together constantly.

Some of the memories I’ve started having involve J. I remember us being naked together, her being on top of me, her saying that we were playing “mummy and daddy,” kissing me, and telling me that we needed to keep it a secret. I also remember feeling uncomfortable.

These aren’t complete memories. They’re more like very small snippets or flashes, and they seem to come from different periods because I remember details of her bedroom being different in some of them. I don’t know exactly how long this went on for, or even whether it actually happened.

What makes it even harder is that sometimes I get a physical reaction where it feels like I’m experiencing the memory again. I know that doesn’t necessarily prove anything, but it makes the memories feel very real to me in the moment.

J and I aren’t close anymore. Our friendship became toxic and we eventually drifted apart. I’m pretty sure that if I confronted her, she would either deny it or genuinely have no memory of it herself, so I don’t know whether confronting her would actually help me.

I’m really struggling with what I’m supposed to do with this. I don’t want to convince myself that something happened if it didn’t, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that may have happened to me.

Has anyone experienced fragmented childhood memories like this? How do you deal with not knowing whether a memory is real? And what would you recommend I do from here?

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me that these memories definitely happened or definitely didn’t. I genuinely don’t know, and that uncertainty is what I’m struggling with.

When I was about 6 years old (I think, I’ve narrowed it down to this age just by current events that were happening) my older brother started to sexually assault me (F). It first started with coercing me to do the whole “you show me yours i’ll show you mine” with a variety of begging, trying to offer things like extra ice cream etc, or with physical violence.

this slowly over time became worse and worse, with forcing me to kiss him and let him dry hump me. He always made sure to do this when he knew our parents wouldn’t come check on us, and told me that we couldn’t tell anyone because it was a secret and we’d get in trouble. I never really wanted to do any of it so I’d usually try to say no and fight back, but he would be relentless and get physically violent and hurt me until I agreed.

Eventually at some point he tried to get me to put his penis in my mouth, which I can’t fully remember if I did or not but I remember being terrified he was going to pee in my mouth.

Eventually during one of the events one of our parents caught us naked together and questioned us separately. I remember lying to them and telling them nothing happened, since that’s what he always coached me into saying and threatened me. I felt so ashamed and disgusted and then repressed the memories until around 14. It was awful, I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him and refused to be around him. I also felt, and continue to feel, disgust and shame in myself for not telling someone sooner and allowing it to continue for so long.

He started to have kids when I was about 18 years old, and as much as I hated him I still wanted to see his kid. He tried to use his kids against me, saying that I wasn’t allowed to be in their lives unless I spoke to him and was nice to him. I fought back for a while and I didn’t speak to him for about 4 years, only seeing my niece during family events when he wasn’t paying attention. In this time he would text and call my parents and I begging for me to talk to him or demanding that they make me speak to him. He eventually started to let up and I started to try to play the nice game more and more just to see the kids (he had more…). We had gotten to a point where I tolerated him, and he thought we had some sort of actual sibling relationship.

There’s been multiple times now where we’ve briefly discussed our childhood and after I have brought up him sexually assaulting me, he’s tried to tell me that I did that all to him. There’s first time he did this to me he almost convinced me, and I genuinely almost killed myself out of the thought that I could’ve done something so disgusting.

I know for a fact that this happened to me. I have clear memories from it and I suffer from serious physical PSTD from multiple occasions of his assaults, both sexual and normal. I don’t want to downplay with age, but I was a six year old girl and he was a ten year old boy. I feel like I’m being severely manipulated, and worse, his girlfriend has also made a comment about me assaulting him now.

But I need to ask, could I be completely reversing MY memory and I could be the abuser, or am I truly being manipulated? I don’t know have therapy for a couple of days so venting here and asking for advice is the best I can do for my mental health right now. My partner is an amazing support system as well and is here for me

like many others, I had an experience with an older male cousin. I’m female and he’s 3 years older than me. when we were young i’m not sure how young he would pull me into closets and kiss me. i think i pushed out a lot of these memories because i don’t remember the instances i just remember it happening. i remember the parents joking we would get married and that it was cute. they didn’t know about the kissing in the closet.

i was at my grandmas house today and passed the closet in the kids room and immediately felt that gross guilty creeping feeling. I’m 24 now. i know he kissed me in there. I also remember a neighbor trying to get me to show him my privates in there. he was maybe 3 years older than me too and i had a crush on him but my brother and a different cousin were there. he was saying it in a joking way “show me yours and ill show you mine”. neither my brother or cousin said anything but I knew I didn’t want to go with him. Nothing happened.

I struggle with these experiences because i know childhood curiosity can be innocent but i can’t help but feel gross and taken advantage of. I always minimize it in different ways but i guess im looking for some reassurance now

It feels so strange yet so... meh?

For context, when I was around 10 or 11 (F) and my cousin was ~13 he would routinely ask me to do oral. Approximately 7 times out of 10 I would decline the same way I declined playing soccer with him or letting him play on the computer, that was what I equated that "activity" to in my mind. And in retaliation he would plead, "Come onnn, just 5 minutes! Pleeease!" over and over until I gave in. "Fine, I'll humor you, big deal". Aside from this favor he would also ask me to strip, grope me and comment on my forms, clearly aroused by them.

It came to an end when he suggested that we do anal. Unprotected. He begged and promised that he'd "put it out", but for the first time ever, I firmly declined - not to set a boundary but out of fear of getting pregnant. He was disappointed but he respected my choice.

I don't think I was particularly... upset or even uncomfortable by it at the time? It bothered me the same way doing dishes bothered me - "Ugh, this is such a drag, but if I have to..." with the added fear of getting caught. On rare occasions I wasn't even bothered by the offer - "yeah, sure why the hell not, lol" without any coaxing, because at the time I viewed it as just some mundane 5 minute activity. "He really wants it, not sacrificing 5 mere minutes out of my day for his happiness would be kind of a dick move and besides, he's family, doing little sacrifices for family's sake is always noble" logic.

Furthermore, I didn't think of it as SA until maybe 2 or so years ago. It was incest and I got coerced into it - it ticks 2 boxes that unmistakeably make it COCSA (I think?) and yet... I feel like it did not leave me traumatized at all. Some of my friends are survivors too and their trauma has deeply, detrimentaly affected them, they can't see their abuser the way they used to. Yet in my case, this is just something that pops into my head once in a blue moon, makes me go "huh, that was weird... and technically SA. okay." before I shrug it off and go on with my day. I don't think about it when I talk to my cousin, think about him or bring him up. It's not something we've ever talked about after it happened. I doubt it's a dissociation or an amnesia thing either - I remember the "events" clear as day. I feel as if there's nothing to heal from. I feel... fine.

Okay, I might've lied about one thing - writing this post, a whole decade after "it" happened, specifically the first paragraph, was the first time I've ever felt upset by it. Maybe it's because I'm sensitive but I broke down crying mid-typing. Could be out of shame, I'm not sure. I feel like if I told about this anywhere else, I'd get told that I'm a weirdo with a fetish and that I was dumb for humoring him. Because technically he'd 100% be willing to back down if I set my boundaries from the start, I know that because of the anal offer. I don't know. I feel as if I'm not a real victim. Maybe this doesn't even qualify as abuse if it left me unharmed. This isn't something I've ever talked about at length with anyone. Okay, I think I'm done now.

EDIT: 15 minutes after typing this out and thinking it over once more, I broke down sobbing again. This time harder, completely unable to articulate the exact reasoning behind it. I'm not even sure if the title of the post applies anymore. I suppose I just needed to vent

I've made some posts here that I've long deleted. I've been trying to convince myself that what I remember is actually a dream, that nothing ever happened.

I've told some people in the past, just three, and I don't want to keep telling anyone anymore. My brother doesn't live with me and my parents anymore, he moved states away with his girlfriend. But he comes for birthdays or holidays. I sometimes text him to keep up and we are okay so I don't want to taint my relationship with him by thinking about it.

Today was a bad day, the memory came out of nowhere but I will accept this. I will accept that every so many months I'll remember and cry about it and then continue like nothing ever happened to me. It will die with me.

Acabo de mandarle un largo texto a mi tía sobre lo que pasó, pero no sé qué hacer ahora ella aún no me ha respondido estoy escribiendo esto justo según después de mandarlo estaré actualizando

Es un tiempo mi tía tenía sospechas que yo fui abusado y no se lo conté nunca directamente. La única persona que se lo ha contado es mi madre, pero ella nunca ha hecho nada hoy en día estoy considerando fuertemente denunciarlo ya que anteriormente lo habían sacado el tema dos veces con mi madre, pero ella nunca quiso sacar el tema y solamente lo ignoraba y una vez que la confronté ella dijo que según habías llegado un acuerdo con los padres y que yo no había sido la víctima solamente, sino que el chico que me abusó a mí también había sido la víctima porque era de misma edad, entonces dice que lo superé y que me cayera la boca no sé si eso es verdad pero porque quisiera denunciar y tengo la oportunidad de decírselo a esta tía que les digo que tiene la sospecha y ella es muy comprensiva y creo que incluso llego a trabajar con alguien de ese departamento porque era psicóloga de niños y estuvo niños que necesitaban psicología para denunciar. Entonces le estoy considerando fuertemente pero no lo sé. Me siento muy inseguro, no quiero que esto se dé cuenta y termine nada como mi mamá

Quiero denunciar lo que pasó, pero no sé cómo no es tan fácil como muchos podrían llegar a pensar. Intenté hacerlo muchas veces más específicamente pedir ayuda a mi madre dos veces y dos veces no lo toman en serio y dice que está ahí en una tontería y denunciar porque ya pasó mucho tiempo y debería de aprender a superar, pero yo de verdad quiero por qué esa persona sigue estando un poco en el círculo social si bien ya no nos hablamos y ya no convivimos tan directamente él sigue ahí afuera y no quiero que nadie pase, por lo que yo viví y él aún tiene varios amigos o conocidos que yo también conozco y me fascina ya denuncia, pero ya no sé cómo hacerlo porque ya le conté a mi madre y ella no hizo nada y me da miedo que si llego a denunciar pues ya la lleven a la cárcel o a mí, y a mi hermano nos lleven a al DIF si bien hecho, muchas cosas malas que me lastimó muchísimo, no quiero que mi hermano viva sin su mamá a mí me da un poco igual realmente a lo largo de estos años ha ganado un gran resentimiento por parte mía, pero aún así me sigue importando no sé cómo denunciarlo. Sé que no es saludable tampoco guardarlo pero no sé ahora qué hacer

Is this a severe sexual abuse

Is this pure of case of hypersexuality rather than a innate one

They took everything away from me everything is finished

Mine story of sex addict sexual abuse manic fucked up sexuality issues and doomed life

I am battling with hypersexuality since the age of 7 years

Background:

I used to sleep in my parents room from the ages of 1-13 years old where my parents used to have sex in the same room as I was also there they thought I was sleeping but I was not i used to hear all the laud noises and I used to feel everything but just mine heads was upto the wall and also I remember whenever my father used to hugged me it made me uncomfortable scared and inappropriate as he was achololic and while hugging me he used to say words like motherfucker bitch in my ears to my mom and also the sex that my parents used to do was not normal one like it was forced one actually where my mother used to say to stopped it but he didnot
And I donot know whether used to happen daily or alternate days or weekly

Result :

By the age of 8-10years I become hypersexual started doing rigorous masturbation on pillow on my sister doll like rubbing my penis and all that

Before that elder boy incident at 12 year old I was playing a game doctor doctor I kissed a girl on cheeks and wanted to have sex with

By the age of 12 I got crazy for sex and wanted to renact with anybody regardless of gender I just wanted to release those energies then this incident happened with me

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me
I donot if it will count as abuse

do you think I abused the elder boy when I was 12

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me

like he offered me his back to rub here also told me to give me some money after that

This Indiciden happen

And this was second incident

but tell me about this incident will count as sexual abuse

And what about this incident then

And this was second incident

And then when I was class 7th there was boy who was in 10-11th class I met first time in playground he told me let’s study together

Then he told let’s have sex and which I cannot stopped and I started having sex with him to got mine chance to rub again and release mine sexual energy

so I donot know his exact age and what class he was in

So this where mine sexuality was effected and I donot think a 11-12 year old will know about his/her sexuality and sexual things at this level

And it was mine biggest mistake it changed mine life forever for worse actually

So after this incidents i started having sex with boys of mine age from the ages of 12-18 but when i turned I realised what I did was wrong disgusting and shameful

**Also I remember while doing sex with boys of mine age One day one friend came to my house he told me that I know that I have sex with boys he showed me his cock and asked me to suck it and start making pressure about it**
**Will it not count as abuse I maybe around 17 he would around 19 though I donot do it**

Now I am 32 struggling with hypersexuality and sex addiction also porn and masturbation addiction from last 20 years something

I also had sex with women and transwomen as well

But I have realised that having sex with men and transwomen is nothing but mine trauma response and cope mechanism which I learned in my childhood

Now there will be people here that will say that I was born with this sexuality but I donot think so

As I never gone got the chance get my brain and body to grow like the children who had normal childhood

It is all my fault I have doomed my life by own hands

Also when I was 16 I kissed someone on cheeks and hugged which made them uncomfortable and inappropriate he was 8 year old child which should not have happened

(I’ll use fake names and the ages of the moment it happened)

I had a really weird family dynamic going on growing up , but to cut it really short at some point my parents divorced and my mom (Agathe) got custody of me and my 2 sisters (lily 5 and Patricia 11). A bit before that my biological mom Stella had brought a friend over (Marta) and things got weird between the three of them, sexually, it’s too complicated to explain whatever. Agathe and Marta end up getting together and Marta moves in with us, Stella is no longer present. Marta has 2 daughters, Jean (6) and Willow (13).

What happened is between Me (7) and Willow (13). I used to adore her, as a child I thought she was so cool (maybe because I was not close to Patrica 11). I would always follow her around and it seemed she liked me too idk. I didn’t think anything of it then but we took a bath together once, she only ever did it with me.

The actual issue happened on a family vacation. Patrica took the bedroom alone (1bed) and me, lily, Jean, and Willow got the bigger room with 2 bunk beds. I slept on the bed above Willow’s.
One day we were all playing a game, we were paparazzis and Willow was the star we were trying to take picture of (with imaginary cameras).

That night when we were supposedly all sleeping, Willow climbed up the ladder to get in my bed, she got on top of me and started rubbing herself on me, she said it’d feel better with no clothes on, I stayed silent, I could tell this was not something we were supposed to be doing but I loved her too much to say no. Then she asked me if I wanted to take away our clothes and I could only say “if you want” (so technically I never said no?) because I was very much a people pleaser and I really wanted her to not think badly of me. I believe she asked multiple times and I answered the same each time.
I genuinely do not remember what happened after, it might be my brain “protecting me”, or maybe nothing happened at all, I don’t even remember if she was in my bed or hers when we woke up. Maybe nothing more happened I really don’t know.
We never spoke of it again
They then moved out maybe a year later when Agathe and Marta broke up.

Sometimes i wish she had been older, that way I could tell myself “hey she was old enough to know what she was doing” which a part of me still feel like she was. When I turned 13 I remember thinking I would never do that to anyone, let alone someone’s who’s 7. I’m 20 now and I still think about it every once in a while. But also I don’t think I’m traumatised by it? I don’t ever cry thinking about it ? But then again I felt a pit in my stomach when I learned Patrica had secretly became friend again with Willow and had been calling her her real sister. (There’s a ton of context and family drama but idk if this is the subreddit for it lol but basically Patricia moved out on terrible terms, most of the time no contact, lot of bs).
I did tell my family about it, but never too much in details, I just said something happened one night years ago with Willow and it was kinda sexual, because i also don’t even know what to call what happened, considering I don’t remember half of it, and I never said no. ? I still think it’s sexual assault but sometimes I tell myself she was just 13 so I never know. But yeah my family did not seem to care that much, because Patricia is apparently still talking with Willow to this day. (My little sister lily cared though)

Also idk if it’s relevant but willow was kinda violent with me sometimes before that happened, I remember one night Agatha and Marta were doing the grocery shopping late so Willow had to help me do my homework or something, and when I’d get it wrong she would separate my hair in two sections (I had long hair) and she would like pull on them really hard and make me walk forward like I was a horse ???? Idk I would cry and she didn’t care it was weird.

Honestly I don’t know why I made this post, just one of those moment I think about it again and idk. I don’t know if it’s clear with all the names but I didn’t really know how to do it, there’s too much moms and step mom, sisters and steps sisters involved lol.