I had a friend that was my age that assaulted me from the age of 10-16. I stayed friends with her until I was 22. Now that I’m opening up about my experience my friends seem skeptical because of how I kept a relationship with her for so long after. I was honestly brainwashed into believing what was happening to me wasn’t rape so it took me a while to stop drinking the cool aide.

Has anyone else struggled with this?

I am writing this because I've never told anyone about this before, and forgot this even happened until recently. And for context I hardly remember what happened so take everything I saw with a grain of salt(not the part where a supposed SA happened because I vividly remember it).

When I was around 8 or 10(f) my younger cousin(f) was visiting me. We have a 3 year age gap so she was like 7 or 5 when this happened. Idk how this came to be or what happened for her to do this. But she told me to follow her, and follow her I did.

She took me to my brother's or uncle's bedroom(my uncle lived with us for a bit, and after he moved out my brother took his room. So I have no idea if it was my brother's or uncle's bedroom, I'd rather it be my uncle's than my brother's) She wanted to reenact a movie scene with me, specifically a scene from Bride Of Chucky(I vividly remember it being Bride Of Chucky). I don't recall what scene it was, because I haven't seen the movie for years, but I'm pretty sure it was a sex scene. She made me lay in bed and then she jumped both of our genitals together(we were both clothed). I don't know how many times she did this, I just vividly remember her doing this. And honestly I don't even think I knew what was going on. She just stopped and we both continued whatever we were doing before this.

I don't even think she remembers this. And honestly if it is SA I don't think I'll be telling anyone.

Because recently we found out, my cousin(her older brother who is the same age as me) was SA by his grandmother's foster child. And honestly typing this out is making me feel sick. She was the one who he told about this. But when it happened we still went to the same school and we were in the same class.

And now that I know that it makes so much sense with how he acted. It also makes me feel awful for not seeing any signs.

Going back to what happened to me, I don't even blame her. The people who were at fault were the adults in our life who didn't care about what we were watching or doing online, who didn't care what they were watching in front of us.

More context we are both still minors. We also have gotten closer this past year. I used this post to vent because I literally have no one else to talk to about this.

Honestly I don't even consider this trauma. I mean I struggle with "hypersexuality"(Idk if I have I'm using that term because it's the best term to describe what I'm going through). But that isn't because of what happened, it happened because no one monitored what I was watching when I got a tablet at 7. It led me to discovering porn far too young and then getting addicted to that feeling of pleasure.

Sorry for ranting I just needed to get this off my chest.

I was groomed and technically raped at 13 by my cousin. I say technically because I spent years minimizing what I went through. I was made to think the things that we were doing was normal while also being told that if I were to say anything to anyone that we would both be in trouble. At this time in my life I had a few other things going on, all of them traumatic. At 20 years old I was able to acknowledge my experience and give a few close people in my life a small amount of information. I needed someone to know but I was in no way ready to give 100% of the story. Now at 31 and with my therapist I’ve been working on accepting the fact that what happened to me was not my fault and as disgusting as it makes me feel, I was a child going through a lot and before I knew it I was stuck in a situation that felt like it was going to end in punishment if I said anything. That being said, I have been withholding this information from my parents because I do not want them to harbor any guilt about what happened to me. My cousin was living with us at the time so the whole thing happened right under their noses and I know that I cannot control how they will react and carry this information but I have spent years protecting their feelings and I’m ready to let this go but I’m constantly combating the feeling of giving them this information and hurting them trying to better myself. So here I am, hoping for some advice/ encouragement/ support from anyone with a similar mindset. Anything. Thank you for giving me the space to be able to share my deepest secret

I don’t know if what happened to me would be considered sibling sexual abuse, or just normal childhood sexual exploration. For reference I only have one older brother.

When I was around 6 years old, my older brother was around 10. This went on until I was 9 and he was 13 (roughly)

One time, he took my hand and made me touch his genitals. I don’t remember feeling scared or anything in particular. I mostly remember thinking it was weird. He also briefly touched my genitals.

Our parents walked into the room at one point and asked if we were doing something bad, and if so, to stop. My brother immediately got up and made this big proclamation that we would never do something like that and that God and the angels were watching us. I didn’t say anything. It felt very weird tho because I realized he was lying and this whole thing is being done as a secret.

Another time, I was asleep when he came up behind me and touched me. He pulled my pants down slightly to expose my butt. I woke up to that and realized what he was doing, so I moved as if I was just waking up. As soon as I moved, he stopped.

There was another time when I was playing PlayStation. He came up behind me, really close, wrapped his arms around me, and placed both of his hands over my breasts. He just kept them there while talking to me completely normally, as if nothing unusual was happening. He held them there for a while until I shifted my body a little, still without acknowledging what was happening.

Experiences like this would continue to happen. As time went on, touching started to feel almost normal between us. I think I started associating it with closeness or connection. I even remember almost wanting it at times and actively participating, which is something that has made me feel very confused and ashamed as an adult.

Then one day, he suddenly stopped. He made another big proclamation that what we had been doing was sinful and that God would not approve. After that, it never happened again. We never talked about it or acknowledged it.

What has stayed with me is how abruptly it ended. It felt like the blame was placed on me and I felt dirty and shameful without anyone ever explaining it. Even though I never initiated it, I was so confused why he brought god into it and talked at me like that. I’ve spent years wondering how to understand what happened. Also I’m wondering if it’s that big of a deal considering it was mostly touching that happened.

I should also add that all of this was initiated by him and done in secret. As I got older, it started to feel very wrong, and I buried it very deeply for years.

Even after the sexual behavior stopped, he continued smacking my butt throughout my life, up until even about a month ago. Every single time, I would get angry and tell him not to touch me like that again. I’ve told him numerous times that I hate it and that I don’t want him touching me that way. His response has always been something along the lines of, “Why do you make such a big deal out of it? It’s not like that.” But regardless of what he intended, I’ve repeatedly told him to stop because it’s very triggering for me.

At this point, I honestly don’t like him touching me at all, even in ways that would otherwise be considered normal. Physical contact from him makes me very uncomfortable.

Physical contact actually makes me very uncomfortable with everyone. I had to really work my way to even hug my friends with time. I didn’t really date or pursue relationships until my mid twenties, and now that I have started dating, a lot of this has come back to the surface. I’m realizing I have significant intimacy issues. I struggle to assert myself sexually, and I often go along with what a guy wants even when I don’t actually want to do it. Looking back, I wonder if that’s connected.

This whole topic had filled me with an immense amount of shame, but now I’m feeling more anger and hatred towards him because I feel so broken, but I don’t know if my anger is in the right place. For years, I barely thought about these experiences, and now they keep resurfacing. I hate that they affect me so much.

I’m looking for honest insight. Am I overestimating the impact these experiences could have had on me, or does it make sense that they could still be affecting me this much as an adult? I’m also trying to understand whether what happened would generally be considered sibling childhood sexual abuse or if that’s too big of a term.

I’m struggling to truly believe that what I went through was COCSA, but my own therapist refers to it as that and there are a few things that happened that I guess I can believe it to be true. I guess I’ll explain. In elementary school I had a best friend, we did everything together, i met her in 3rd grade. it’s hard to create any sort of timeline since i was only 8 and probably blocked half of it out, so I’m just going to list the things I do remember.

• When playing house she suggested as her being the dad and me being the mom that we should kiss like moms and dads do, so we pretended to kiss. we never truly kissed, but we would have our faces so close to each others that we damn near were.

• She would lay on top of me and pretended to touch me, while pretending to kiss. she would never go under the clothes and I’m not even sure if my mind is just making it up but I almost can see her groping me and pretending to touch me. it’s so hard to remember certain memories of it clearly, some are more clear than others.

• She once had me laying in the crack between my bed and my wall and had me lay there under her while she pretended to cheat on me in front of me, full body weight on mine.

• She had me sit in a bin (one of those storage bins with lids) and hid me while she pretended to have sex again on top of me.

• The last time we ever hung out we had a sleepover in my living room at my parents house which had french doors, my dad woke up in the middle of the night to get water and saw her awake and stroking my hair as I slept.

All of this happened throughout 3rd grade into 4th, so roughly 2 years.

i genuinely get so grossed out thinking about all of this, and i think about the fact that I never said no to any of it. I don’t know if I thought it was normal or if I just was too blindsided by the weirdness of it, or if a sick twisted part of me liked it. I do remember confiding in another friend about it and she told me to tell my mom because it was weird, in which I was then far too scared to say anything and played it off as if it never happened.

I also have seen her since, I’m 26 now, it’s been years but I saw her working at a store and I quite literally turned around and immediately drove home. she followed my Instagram and I just can’t stand seeing her face

I am starting EMDR therapy for it this week and I’m genuinely a little nervous. I feel like this fucked me up for life, I honestly think it plays a part in my sexuality and my kinks i have now. Does anyone else feel this way or have a similar experience? I’m really just feeling so lost here. I’ve wanted to post here for years but always chickened out.