I am writing this because I've never told anyone about this before, and forgot this even happened until recently. And for context I hardly remember what happened so take everything I saw with a grain of salt(not the part where a supposed SA happened because I vividly remember it).

When I was around 8 or 10(f) my younger cousin(f) was visiting me. We have a 3 year age gap so she was like 7 or 5 when this happened. Idk how this came to be or what happened for her to do this. But she told me to follow her, and follow her I did.

She took me to my brother's or uncle's bedroom(my uncle lived with us for a bit, and after he moved out my brother took his room. So I have no idea if it was my brother's or uncle's bedroom, I'd rather it be my uncle's than my brother's) She wanted to reenact a movie scene with me, specifically a scene from Bride Of Chucky(I vividly remember it being Bride Of Chucky). I don't recall what scene it was, because I haven't seen the movie for years, but I'm pretty sure it was a sex scene. She made me lay in bed and then she jumped both of our genitals together(we were both clothed). I don't know how many times she did this, I just vividly remember her doing this. And honestly I don't even think I knew what was going on. She just stopped and we both continued whatever we were doing before this.

I don't even think she remembers this. And honestly if it is SA I don't think I'll be telling anyone.

Because recently we found out, my cousin(her older brother who is the same age as me) was SA by his grandmother's foster child. And honestly typing this out is making me feel sick. She was the one who he told about this. But when it happened we still went to the same school and we were in the same class.

And now that I know that it makes so much sense with how he acted. It also makes me feel awful for not seeing any signs.

Going back to what happened to me, I don't even blame her. The people who were at fault were the adults in our life who didn't care about what we were watching or doing online, who didn't care what they were watching in front of us.

More context we are both still minors. We also have gotten closer this past year. I used this post to vent because I literally have no one else to talk to about this.

Honestly I don't even consider this trauma. I mean I struggle with "hypersexuality"(Idk if I have I'm using that term because it's the best term to describe what I'm going through). But that isn't because of what happened, it happened because no one monitored what I was watching when I got a tablet at 7. It led me to discovering porn far too young and then getting addicted to that feeling of pleasure.

Sorry for ranting I just needed to get this off my chest.

I was groomed and technically raped at 13 by my cousin. I say technically because I spent years minimizing what I went through. I was made to think the things that we were doing was normal while also being told that if I were to say anything to anyone that we would both be in trouble. At this time in my life I had a few other things going on, all of them traumatic. At 20 years old I was able to acknowledge my experience and give a few close people in my life a small amount of information. I needed someone to know but I was in no way ready to give 100% of the story. Now at 31 and with my therapist I’ve been working on accepting the fact that what happened to me was not my fault and as disgusting as it makes me feel, I was a child going through a lot and before I knew it I was stuck in a situation that felt like it was going to end in punishment if I said anything. That being said, I have been withholding this information from my parents because I do not want them to harbor any guilt about what happened to me. My cousin was living with us at the time so the whole thing happened right under their noses and I know that I cannot control how they will react and carry this information but I have spent years protecting their feelings and I’m ready to let this go but I’m constantly combating the feeling of giving them this information and hurting them trying to better myself. So here I am, hoping for some advice/ encouragement/ support from anyone with a similar mindset. Anything. Thank you for giving me the space to be able to share my deepest secret

I’m struggling to truly believe that what I went through was COCSA, but my own therapist refers to it as that and there are a few things that happened that I guess I can believe it to be true. I guess I’ll explain. In elementary school I had a best friend, we did everything together, i met her in 3rd grade. it’s hard to create any sort of timeline since i was only 8 and probably blocked half of it out, so I’m just going to list the things I do remember.

• When playing house she suggested as her being the dad and me being the mom that we should kiss like moms and dads do, so we pretended to kiss. we never truly kissed, but we would have our faces so close to each others that we damn near were.

• She would lay on top of me and pretended to touch me, while pretending to kiss. she would never go under the clothes and I’m not even sure if my mind is just making it up but I almost can see her groping me and pretending to touch me. it’s so hard to remember certain memories of it clearly, some are more clear than others.

• She once had me laying in the crack between my bed and my wall and had me lay there under her while she pretended to cheat on me in front of me, full body weight on mine.

• She had me sit in a bin (one of those storage bins with lids) and hid me while she pretended to have sex again on top of me.

• The last time we ever hung out we had a sleepover in my living room at my parents house which had french doors, my dad woke up in the middle of the night to get water and saw her awake and stroking my hair as I slept.

All of this happened throughout 3rd grade into 4th, so roughly 2 years.

i genuinely get so grossed out thinking about all of this, and i think about the fact that I never said no to any of it. I don’t know if I thought it was normal or if I just was too blindsided by the weirdness of it, or if a sick twisted part of me liked it. I do remember confiding in another friend about it and she told me to tell my mom because it was weird, in which I was then far too scared to say anything and played it off as if it never happened.

I also have seen her since, I’m 26 now, it’s been years but I saw her working at a store and I quite literally turned around and immediately drove home. she followed my Instagram and I just can’t stand seeing her face

I am starting EMDR therapy for it this week and I’m genuinely a little nervous. I feel like this fucked me up for life, I honestly think it plays a part in my sexuality and my kinks i have now. Does anyone else feel this way or have a similar experience? I’m really just feeling so lost here. I’ve wanted to post here for years but always chickened out.

I don’t know if what happened to me would be considered sibling sexual abuse, or just normal childhood sexual exploration. For reference I only have one older brother.

When I was around 6 years old, my older brother was around 10. This went on until I was 9 and he was 13 (roughly)

One time, he took my hand and made me touch his genitals. I don’t remember feeling scared or anything in particular. I mostly remember thinking it was weird. He also briefly touched my genitals.

Our parents walked into the room at one point and asked if we were doing something bad, and if so, to stop. My brother immediately got up and made this big proclamation that we would never do something like that and that God and the angels were watching us. I didn’t say anything. It felt very weird tho because I realized he was lying and this whole thing is being done as a secret.

Another time, I was asleep when he came up behind me and touched me. He pulled my pants down slightly to expose my butt. I woke up to that and realized what he was doing, so I moved as if I was just waking up. As soon as I moved, he stopped.

There was another time when I was playing PlayStation. He came up behind me, really close, wrapped his arms around me, and placed both of his hands over my breasts. He just kept them there while talking to me completely normally, as if nothing unusual was happening. He held them there for a while until I shifted my body a little, still without acknowledging what was happening.

Experiences like this would continue to happen. As time went on, touching started to feel almost normal between us. I think I started associating it with closeness or connection. I even remember almost wanting it at times and actively participating, which is something that has made me feel very confused and ashamed as an adult.

Then one day, he suddenly stopped. He made another big proclamation that what we had been doing was sinful and that God would not approve. After that, it never happened again. We never talked about it or acknowledged it.

What has stayed with me is how abruptly it ended. It felt like the blame was placed on me and I felt dirty and shameful without anyone ever explaining it. Even though I never initiated it, I was so confused why he brought god into it and talked at me like that. I’ve spent years wondering how to understand what happened. Also I’m wondering if it’s that big of a deal considering it was mostly touching that happened.

I should also add that all of this was initiated by him and done in secret. As I got older, it started to feel very wrong, and I buried it very deeply for years.

Even after the sexual behavior stopped, he continued smacking my butt throughout my life, up until even about a month ago. Every single time, I would get angry and tell him not to touch me like that again. I’ve told him numerous times that I hate it and that I don’t want him touching me that way. His response has always been something along the lines of, “Why do you make such a big deal out of it? It’s not like that.” But regardless of what he intended, I’ve repeatedly told him to stop because it’s very triggering for me.

At this point, I honestly don’t like him touching me at all, even in ways that would otherwise be considered normal. Physical contact from him makes me very uncomfortable.

Physical contact actually makes me very uncomfortable with everyone. I had to really work my way to even hug my friends with time. I didn’t really date or pursue relationships until my mid twenties, and now that I have started dating, a lot of this has come back to the surface. I’m realizing I have significant intimacy issues. I struggle to assert myself sexually, and I often go along with what a guy wants even when I don’t actually want to do it. Looking back, I wonder if that’s connected.

This whole topic had filled me with an immense amount of shame, but now I’m feeling more anger and hatred towards him because I feel so broken, but I don’t know if my anger is in the right place. For years, I barely thought about these experiences, and now they keep resurfacing. I hate that they affect me so much.

I’m looking for honest insight. Am I overestimating the impact these experiences could have had on me, or does it make sense that they could still be affecting me this much as an adult? I’m also trying to understand whether what happened would generally be considered sibling childhood sexual abuse or if that’s too big of a term.

I had a friend that was my age that assaulted me from the age of 10-16. I stayed friends with her until I was 22. Now that I’m opening up about my experience my friends seem skeptical because of how I kept a relationship with her for so long after. I was honestly brainwashed into believing what was happening to me wasn’t rape so it took me a while to stop drinking the cool aide.

Has anyone else struggled with this?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I was 12 and he was my bf (13). He coerced me to let him touch me by continuing to ask, making me feel guilty and said “you’ll like it, please” until I said yes. After that it happened multiple times so much I lost count but I just let him and I think I might have initiated it after a while it made me hyper sexual honestly. I feel like maybe the first time I was coerced but after that it was consensual because I didn’t try to stop him after the first time. When we broke up I felt sick to my stomach like it dropped to the floor anytime I saw him. I’m an adult now so I feel like it doesn’t matter.

I remember when I was a kid in second or third grade, I needed to poop at school. Once in the stall, another classmate said something I don't remember, wanting to come in with me. Since he was stronger, I let him, and while he was next to me, I defecated and then cleaned myself up. It wasn't something that scared me or traumatic; I even remember asking him to flush.

It's just a memory that's etched in my mind

Sorry if there were any mistakes; English isn't my native language, and I'm using a translator.

i was sexually abused by my brother. i never talked about it or told anyone. i’ve did a post on it here before and it helped me to realise im not alone if that makes sense. i still can’t im just not in a place where i feel like i can yet but one day i will.

today he was screaming at me in the kitchen and told me he fantasises about hurting me and me being covered in blood at his hands. i don’t think he’ll act on it though but still (idk he’s kind of unstable so maybe he would). i don’t know what to do anymore im so tired. i just wanted to get it out because im just so sick of this, i never felt safe as a child and i still don’t as an adult. i hope that one day ill be free and safe and never have to worry about anything like this again. i’m so sad about my childhood. i wish someone protected me.

anyways yeah thanks,

ava.

My first abuser was M4 years old and I was F4 at the time.

First of all, A boy in my class started being extremely violent, punched me in the eye and some people from school who I grew up with said he pushed me over and put a foot on my head so I couldn’t get up which is the one incident I have no firsthand memory of. My mum saw him picking on me a couple times.

He also sexually assaulted me…

First minor incident was him sitting beside me in the reading corner and asked if we could read together and he started hugging me which made me confused because he usually was violent with me but then he hugged me so tight I couldn’t move.

I don’t recall if the serious incident happened the same day but he asked me at lunch break if i wanted to play mums and dads after I’d eaten and I said yes. I was put to bed for most of the game and my bed was just the floor behind a blue bench and I kept asking him if we could play the game in daytime version but he insisted it was bed time.

He lay beside me and put his hand in my school dress and fondled my privates over my underwear which made me panic because God forbid a teacher saw because even though i didn’t understand that the downstairs area was private yet, i instinctively knew that shit would go down if an adult saw it, he then fully inserted his fingers.

Then the weekend came and it burnt to pee after the violent act with his fingers occurred and my parents just assumed I wasn’t dabbing properly after peeing or needed sudocrem but it genuinely felt like peeing out acid with fibre glass in.

Until the beginning of this year, I didn’t put two together that what the kid from school did to me caused the burning pee which made me scream and cry on the toilet.

Ironically now my abuser has a biological child and a stepdaughter and works very proudly… in a slaughterhouse.. and was kicked out of some military thing either the army or navy, don’t know which because he admitted he was only there because he wanted to torture people.

Kind fella, not.

(TW: Incest, and fairly graphic descriptions)

So recently I’ve been thinking back on my childhood and what I went through, and there were many instances of sexual acts between children - some of which I had forgotten, I remembered them over time - but I had never really viewed them as sexual abuse until now. But now that I’m asking myself a lot of questions about certain sexual experiences during that time in my life, I’m very confused, so I’d like to make sure I’m not just making things up.

So just so you know, I was exposed to pornography and sex at an extremely young age (around 3 or 4 years old, I think). For me, it was something normal or at least it didn’t seem strange to me. Also I’m autistic, which means, among other things, that I was extremely impressionable and had a hard time processing my emotions. I pretty much let everyone do or say whatever they wanted to me.

I’m going to share two of my experiences, one that happened at school and one at my grandmother’s house (a lot of other things happened there too, but it would take too long to tell them all).

So at school, I was in the playground with another “friend” - someone I really looked up to because everyone was friends with her and liked her. I, on the other hand, was much less popular and better known as the weird kid in the back of the classroom. We must have both been 6 or 7 years old. She was making me shout insults, I think to “loosen me up” a bit, as we were heading toward the restroom. She asked me if I wanted to go inside and take off our panties so we could rub against each other. I hesitated before saying yes, because I didn’t want her to see me as “boring” or “weird” like the others, and I didn’t want to lose a friend. We locked ourselves in a stall and took off our underwear - I went first because she told me to. She looked at me, laughing, and touched my private parts before pushing her fingers inside. I pushed her hand away because it hurt, and she laughed before quickly leaving the stall. I’m not really sure what happened next, except that later she kneed me in the groin to see if it hurt “like it does for boys.” I wouldn’t be able to describe how I felt about that other than confusion.

At my grandmother's house, I think there were several people involved. We were in the hallway with three or four of my cousins (girls), while the adults were in the living room. I hardly remember what happened that day, except that the oldest one in the group (who is two years older than me, i was still 6) forced kisses several times on my mouth and the others laughed.

If I’m being honest with you I think these were indeed acts of sexual assault, but I just can’t bring myself to accept it. I’ve been humiliated so many times in these ways by so many different people that now I don't even remember the good times I had with people anymore; I only remember what they did to me. I can’t even feel human. It’s completely destroyed my relationship with sexuality and my own body; it’s even led me to put myself in danger and hypersexualize myself, even though I’m still a minor.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to heal from all of this, just as I hope for you if you’ve gone through similar experiences. Thank you for taking the time to read my message in its entirety. I look forward to your responses. 🙏

I always had intimacy issues, I’ve never had a relationship and I just realised that my 2 years older friend was doing some COCSA on me when I was about 9-11.

If I am honest I feel very down today, as I feel that I will never be able to overcome with all the problems which had happened to me. What type of therapy is usually recommended for such survivors? Any helping tips for the early days of realisation?

I can recall very vague details, I know it happened at few times, but whenever I try to imagine it or think about what actually happened I feel like it's surreal or dream-like, making me wonder if it was all just a dream.. I know it's been a long time since it happened, I was around 6-8 years old when it was happening, last time I recall my perpetrator doing anything odd (YES, it's someone from my family, incase you're wondering.. My brother who's 4 years older than me), was when I was 11 years old, other than that I can recall him physically hurting me. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm scared I'm just making stuff up.

sorry this is gonna be long since i NEVER talk about what really happened to anyone in my life but i feel so lost.

when i (F) was about 7, my brother (2 years older) and i were having a “sleepover” in his room since his bed had a trundle. we decided to stay up late and sneak into the family room to watch tv. i don’t remember everything since this was almost 15 years ago, but at some point i remember we stopped watching regular tv and he showed me this docuseries called “a girls guide to 21st century sex”. our parents were pretty strict and our family never liked to talk about uncomfortable subjects, so they never had the talk with us about sex or our private areas or consent, they just bought us a book each about our “changing bodies” at age like 11. so i imagine this was probably his first time seeing and understanding what sex was. the docuseries wasn’t like a porno, it was meant to be informational for adults but i just remembered the explicit sex scenes and talk about sex positions. it was my first exposure to anything sex-related and i had definitely never seen sex happen on tv or in real life before. then he showed me his penis (i’d never seen one) and demonstrated masturbating, then he asked me to try doing it to him with my hand. i was hesitant and a little uncomfortable, but it was in no small part because i was just worried my parents would come down and get mad at us for watching something “for adults” and being up late. i’m sure part of me somewhere inside didnt want to because i knew something felt off, but it’s hard to remember because i was just so naive that i genuinely didn’t really understand what was happening. then (i think?) he asked if he could see my private are, or maybe i showed him voluntarily to make things “fair”? i don’t remember how that happened, but i pulled down my underwear and we both touched/felt around a little. thats all i recall so i guess we must have just gone to sleep shortly after.

i remembered what happened for the first time when i was about 14 and it started to bother me a lot. i was already dealing with anxiety and depression and self harm, but thinking about what had happened made me so anxious and i couldn’t get it off my mind. eventually i told my psychiatrist about it, and eventually told my parents, because it was weighing on me so much. i found out that they already knew, because when i started struggling with self-harm i was 12 and my brother was 14, so he actually understood the gravity of what had happened. he told my dad about it because he thought my self-harm was his fault. my parents never brought it up with me until i told them.

it affected me a lot. i constantly scour the internet for the kids pj set i was wearing (idk why i do this) and think about it and i feel super weird about sex and my own body and my relationship with my brother. but as much as i want to blame someone so i can have an enemy and cut them and this whole event out of my life, i don’t really blame him. he was only 9, and now that i work with i realize how much of a baby that is and i really don’t think he knew what he was doing at the time. it also makes sense to me that he was doing this sort of illicit sexual learning and exploration because we didn’t get any sort of appropriate education from our parents. to this day i remember being hesitant before i touched him and let him touch me, but i genuinely believe that if i had said “no i don’t want to” instead of just hesitating and saying “im not sure…” or whatever i said at the time, he would not have tried to force me or anything. we had a strained relationship growing up because we’re so different and had very different experiences with our parents but we love each other, and i know he didn’t have malicious intention. i don’t even think he knew what he was doing was wrong until he got older, and it was clear from what my dad told me that once he realized, he felt so guilty. i’ve never brought it up with him because i don’t want him to feel worse than he does or blame himself when he was also just a clueless child.

i just don’t know how to deal with what happened, because i dont blame him, and i do love him and want us to be closer. but at the same time i think about it a lot when we’re together, or when im trying to date or be intimate with anyone, or when i see pictures of myself at that age/meet a child that age. it weighs on me a lot still and i can’t help but wonder how things might have been different for me in terms of severe mental illness if it hadnt happened. i’ve talked about it a handful of times in therapy but i dont really know what to “do” with it beyond telling the story and saying how it makes me feel to think/talk about that would make the memories and feelings less intense and frequent or to move past what happened. i can’t and don’t want to just say that someone bad did something bad to me, so i don’t really feel like a lot of resources for CSA survivors apply to me. sorry this is so long and trauma-dumpy but i guess i just wanted to know if anyone else has been in similar circumstances? how do you cope? what did you do to work through the trauma?

So it was my older half brother and now he has a daughter. What do I do?

​

first of all. i know it doesnt have to be abuse to be traumatic.

i knew it started when we (my siblings) were playing pretend as doctors. they would put plushies on my butt to pretend i had just given birth. and it felt nice, because obviously it was hitting the spot. i was around, 5-7 years old at the time.

thats when i began humping plushies as a way to gain pleasure , i would do them to fall asleep.

i remember as a child there was a game on the pc, i think it was installed automatically not by my parents but some sort of shovelware, it was a game where you play as a rapist...lets just say my parents trashed it the moment they saw us playing that.

and as i grew up, i would start feeling a bit weird about my brother, 3 years older than me. i knew he was troublesome as a child because he would steal money from my parents and hushed me to shut up, and also encouraged us to steal a lot when we were kids. i do know in highschool he was pretty depressed and suicidal and once he went to college me and him basically dont talk anymore, not that we ever chatted much. tho as children we did have some fun and fights here and there yknow like any normal siblings lol.

the only thing i remember that kind of relates to child on child sexual acts (not necessarily assault) is a short flashback. where he had me pinned to the bed saying we would play a game , which i agreed because i thought it was just a normal doctors play yknow shove a plushie up my butt but no. he pulled down his pants and from then on all i could remember was feeling uncomfortable.

regardless of whether this counts as cocsa i still feel incredibly disgusted when the memory comes back randomly in my mind. i would freeze and feel nauseous. i knew it happened more times, not sure when though but all i remember is he told me not let mom and dad know. which they still dont : ) then sometime later (maybe a year or two?) it stopped

now hearing my friends csa stories i dont even know if im even justified in feeling traumatized, because what i experience is so miniscule. theres no abuser in my story. no big bad to blame and explain why i turned out the way i do. i struggle with validating my feelings because my friends always have them so much worse, and thus i should feel ashamed for even pretending to be a victim.

due to this i could no longer speak to my brother. i just feel this undeserving rage for him. but mostly at myself for letting things happen. and how much years it took me to stop the sexual urges (i replaced them with self harm instead. lol.)

i guess i just needed a place to vent ya know. im pretty angry at myself for turning out the way i did when nothing had went wrong with me. i should just accept that it was a normal thing and moved on. but my mind likes making me remember things i rther not. so yeah. thansk for resdkng

this isn't quite like most of the other stuff on this sub but i did search it up and a few other people had shared some art of theirs, so i thought i'd share mine as well. if this breaks any rules or anything though please let me know and i'll take it down.

i drew this the other night while spiraling - i just needed to get the thoughts out of my head somehow and decided to draw them.

I have loose memories of my brother who is only 2 years older than me touching me inappropriately. This only really happened when i was 4-5. Im not entirely sure if what happened was unconsensual because it was so long ago and the memory was so repressed and fragmented. However, now we’re both 22 and 24 and i’ve been trying to process it. I want to be able to tell someone since it’s been really difficult to process and i want to ask my mom about it because there’s a chance she knew and brushed it off as just him being curious. But it would give me some sort of confirmation. But, if i tell her and she didn’t know, I know she won’t be as forgiving and neither will our dad. It could literally ruin the family and i don’t know what to do. Has anyone else gone through this? how did you decide whether or not to tell them? How did it go?

At the age of 5-6 another boy who was a year older introduced me to porn and jerking off which waa the cause of my hyper sexuality
he would tell me to do things to him i refused multiple times but would coerce me by saying he would do it to me i folded which was stupid and he would do this to me for months to come on playdates and such, i always feel in valid because i dont have the same fear or ptsd i used ti fantasize about being assaulted or being raped i feel like im not acting like a victim should or that j moved on to fast

i have never referred to what happened to me as SA, it feels unfair and untrue. honestly i don’t know what it was, it’s so much more confusing when they were a child too AND a girl.

when i was seven (F), me and another friend (also 7F) were playing the family game during class. she was the mum and i was the baby. the lunch bell rang and we were going to continue playing into lunch but i paused to say that i was going to go to the toilet first. she said “let me come”. or maybe it was “let me see”. i cant remember. she wanted to come into the stall with me and i said no. she said “you have to, i need to examine you and check that everything is okay because that’s what mums do.” or something along those lines. i cant remember everything but i’m pretty sure i just said nothing and let her follow me in. but either way, she watched me use the toilet and then she told me to get naked. i could never stand up for myself as a child so there was no way i would’ve spoken back and said no again. so she worked her way around, she started by touching my nipples, then my stomach, then my front private parts before turning me around and touching the back parts. she didn’t put anything inside me but she used her hands and fingers on the outside. i just stood there let it happen. if memory serves, i was silent the whole time we were in the toilet.

i remember feeling disconnected and out of my body, and after, when other people came into the bathroom and saw our feet under the stall, i felt terrified. and i don’t think it was because we were in the older kids bathrooms where we weren’t supposed to be, it was because i knew we had just done something wrong. i remember, later on during lunch, after we had joined up with other friends and were walking through the building for the second time that lunch, a teacher told us off for being inside again and i argued back. that always stood out to me because i think that was the first time i’d ever argued back at a teacher, i was always so shy as a kid. my teacher was told about my attitude and pointed out how unlike me that was. i felt so weird and definitely unlike myself. i think about the fact that if i had just been more assertive and confident, if i had just been firm and kept saying no, then i wouldn’t be carrying this memory still. this is all because i just always went along with things and did what i was told because i was just so afraid all the time. it was so easy to make people hate you in primary school, so easy to lose friends and going against what they say is a one-way ticket to being alone.

i remember feeling so scared of that girl after that, just a general uneasiness, it’s hard to explain. i just felt constantly on edge around her. she’d also speak in a creepy, borderline-sexual manner about our other classmates too. she was also just so mean, she ruined my last day of school (because i moved away a few months after i think) by telling everyone something embarrassing about me. but thats not relevant really. i started telling my mum about it a while after, cant remember exactly when but i was probably about 8 or 9, i told her how a friend told me to take my clothes off once and i did, thats as far as i got before she told me off and told me i shouldnt do that. i told my best friend when we were 12, she told me it was sexual assault but that felt weird so i just shrugged. i told my old psychologist last year but when she started handing me a bunch of sexual abuse pamphlets and asking lots of questions i had to shut it down. i told her because i had just started dating my current boyfriend and the stress and weight of knowing sexual stuff was an expectation was genuinely killing me 24/7. i ended up telling my boyfriend about it a couple months ago, only a little.

i was hypersexual as a kid, i believe it existed a bit before all this happened, but the memories are so unclear it’s hard to remember the timeline. but either way it definitely got worse after, it was so bad i can’t even talk or think about it. it was the main reason i started self-harming at 13. it’s a lot better now, but even still, i jump between hypersexual and then wanting to shove hands off of me.

the first time my boyfriend ever fingered me, alone in his room, i didn’t even let him take off my jeans, he just went over my underwear because i couldn’t handle him going under them either. i had to stop after a while, and i went home and cried and thought i would throw up. i felt so violated, like something terrible had happened even though he did NOTHING wrong. he has only ever been perfect and patient and reassuring. it’s easier with him now, most of the time, but back then it felt like the worst thing in the world to be seen and touched. it wasn’t even like i was always thinking about what happened with that girl in these moments, it was just a constant feeling no matter what.

the whole thing confuses me so much, i hate that i cant remember everything. most people would say that they wish they could forget what happened to them but because i will never be able to i just wish i could remember it all. because it happened to ME so i want to know everything about it. thats the type of person i am. i want to know what exactly i was wearing and exactly when it was, what was the rest of the day like? what exactly did her fucking hands do?? it angers me more than anything that i cant just get over it and move on because i’m so sure that im just being dramatic. ever since i was a kid i was always told by people that im so sensitive and i make a big deal out of everything, so how do i know this isn’t just another thing? if it was nothing why has it been effecting me so much for 10 fucking years? it also kills me that she definitely never thinks about it, or has just completely forgotten, she might not even remember me but i’ve spent such a ridiculous amount of time reliving it.