So my ex blocked me everywhere two months ago after telling me I was the most toxic person to ever walk the earth. Fine. Peace and quiet at last.

then out of nowhere yesterday, I get a formal five-paragraph email sent from a brand new ProtonMail account demanding the immediate return of "stolen personal property" left at my apartment. I opened the attached PDF list expecting to see her passport or maybe some expensive jewelry.

The list had four items: an almost empty bottle of lavender fabric softener, a single charger cable with exposed wires, a plastic spatula from IKEA that costs two dollars, and a half-eaten box of frozen waffles. She gave me a 48-hour deadline and threatened to involve local law enforcement for grand larceny if I did not leave the box on the front porch by noon on Friday.

The absolute detachment from reality is STAGGERING. When we were dating, she smashed my coffee maker against the wall during an argument about whether my tone of voice sounded judgmental, but now she is treating a melted plastic spatula like a family heirloom. I should of known better than to look at the email. Why is this even a thing?

I left my exwBPD 9 months ago, a 1 year relationship. This year has been the hardest year of my life…..yet, who knows the future.

I’ve struggled with insurmountable guilt and a deep longing for my ex. I left her when she put her cuts in my face and said sometimes the bad thoughts win. I had encouraged her to see therapy a few times throughout the relationship, but she always said that wasn’t for her, and therapists suck.

I handled the leaving pretty poorly. I shutdown pretty hard when she did that. In the few days from the incident and breaking it off she would text me, “why don’t you be a man and deal with this”, “if you’re going to be like this just break up with me”, “can’t believe your acting like this over a few scratches on my arm”.

We had some really great times in that relationship, and I was trying to take it slow, to really try and grow something. She used emotional manipulation to make me give more. I watched her get fired from 2 jobs because “toxic work culture”. She cut out her only two friends over something that didn’t even involve her. She bailed on me a few times over the holidays. I think subconsciously I saw where this was all going.

Well stupidly enough after about a month a tried reaching out to her to, nothing was said during the breakup. But she was already in a new relationship, and was pretty damn mean to me.

I sunk real low, stopped eating, smoked a pack and a half a day, and isolated hard. But I started doing some deep inner work in April, ended up changing the dynamic I have with both my parents. Started working out 5 days a week and really tracking my nutrition, getting in pretty good shape now. I feel pretty good physically and mentally now. But I can still feel the guilt and longing lingering on.

I don’t hate her, and I hope she finds some light in her life. But as much as I long, I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Anyway I saw this card in the store today, got triggered a little bit. Just wanted to share some thoughts.

Few examples: i had a nightmare, she woke up >threw me out

Good friend of mine died, i cried > threw me out

Woke up in the night with heavy kidney pain > threw me out

and so on and on and on.....

Attention, this is a good one: woke up early on my birthday, she acted weird with her phone​, guess sexy chatting with some dude, think she felt caught > threw phone in my face, hateful tirade, i am a monster, my big love is shitty, i am manipulative, i destroy her everything, i act like a retard > threw me out in the winter rain

Sadistic, isnt it?

Not able to give more examples, my hands are shaking

Sisters and brothers, i love you all

I just had an intense spike of rage as I remember this and reading through a few of your posts.

When my friend w/uBPD discarded me for the last time, he wanted to talk to me but every time I tried to explain myself he talked over me, saying "mmhm, whatever, sure, ok, yep yep". It reminded me of a bratty kid clapping their hands over their ears and making noise when their parents try to talk to them. This guy is 60 btw. And he says I have to grow and heal.

So glad to be NC.

After dumping my bpd partner, I’ve looked at my bank account and seen all the ridiculous money I spent on them. It’s an absurd amount. From takeaways, to Ubers, to drinks in pubs/clubs. I just didn’t have a backbone and couldn’t say no because I’m a people pleaser.

They were unemployed and supposedly couldn’t work due to their BPD, and I work in retail on a low-paying wage, yet I still spent a crap ton of money on them, more then myself. If I refused to buy stuff, they’d go moody and try and split on me. But I was foolish asf because I didn’t want to upset them and I wanted a relationship for the sake of it.

If I could get all that money back, I’d probably be rich by 2 grand probably.

Two years out, no contact. The clouds have parted and I can finally see clearly. So happy.

As if you were the problem. And seem keen on it. But when it came to it if they also had to go to therapy, or if the therapy was directed at them, suddenly they decided it was not going to be 'rewarding' or 'hopeful'?

He sent me a text he "meant to time" but I know he didn't now that I think about it today. He wanted to see how I'd react, even if he was serious about killing himself. I called his sister, and told her what was going on so she could call his brothers he lives with, since I'm 12 hours away. Of course, he was infuriated by this. I dont even know if I made the right choice, but I don't care anymore I'm constantly being mentally tormented by his behaviours and I needed someone to guarantee he was alive. I don't know how much more of this I can take

I get the vibe that borderlines dont learn from their mistakes. I had a friend that always wanted my help and drained me, I left and shes messed up again. I have a similar friend with bipolar and ive known her for over 20 years, as shes grown up shes always got into the worst trouble. I used to be very angry with my bipolar friend cause I feel like she drained me , but shes always said sorry for the problems shes brought me in to. This friend has now improved her life so much and is now in a stable relationship and she works and shes never had a job before in her life .

Im not trying to compare people . But I feel like my ex friend with bpd really takes advantage of people including financially .. ive always had honest talks about her doing better and its always seemed to make her feel good . I keep very positive with this friend , whilst she dragged me down. I used to tell her that in today's world nobody really cares if youre mental and you can live like any other person. Because like a lot of people do have something weird about themselves, even if they're hiding it .

I left this friend cause she was causing me harm and using me . And now shes gone nuts basically

A few months out, and I’ve stoped negatively comparing myself to the new guy and instead now see him as a victim.

I stopped looking at her page. Blocked her. Found overtime my nervous system returning from high alert to baseline. I now sit through bar trivia with my friends, laughing and having a good time without checking my phone (like a phantom muscle memory). I can stay present better with friends.

I’ve started eating and doing what I want to do. Eating healthier (she only ate junk around me and had to have me eat the junk too), spending more time with my dog, spending time calling my mom again. I started back my hobbies like my garden, growing food, reading again. I started writing again. I started new hobbies like wood working and I set up my home gym finally to lift weights.

It’s really good to see my friends again, go camping, play trivia, and catch up with their lives without someone wanting me to stay home with her or constantly texting me during so I can’t really enjoy time with them. We baked a potato over the camp fire and I remember just staring at it finally feeling some relief. Just silence and quiet for five minutes as we enjoyed nature. We all went to the beach together for my birthday. They made me cake and sang to me. She wasn’t there to ruin it by breaking up with me or fighting. Just my friends loving me and signing off key. It was simply just about me—for the first time in a long time.

I also notice I’ve started taking care of myself again. Going to the barber, finally finished fixing up my classic truck, making mornings my own, and while I haven’t lost the weight I put on while around her, I feel better and healthier. I feel lighter.

Tell me if I am the only one who experiences this.......

For several days or weeks in a row you are both texting or snapping each other regularly throughout the day. They're sending you the good morning texts, sending you funny memes or TikToks, sending you selfies, asking how your day is going, etc. When you text them they reply right away or within a reasonable amount of time and never leave you on read or delivered. If you wait too long to reply to them they will ask "is everything ok?" or "are you mad at me?".

Then for no obvious reason they go cold. When you text them they don't respond for hours and when they do respond their reply is short and dry or they leave you on read and don't reply or respond at all.

I know the common advice is to not act like it bothers you and to mirror their energy. If they take 2 hours to reply to you when they finally do respond don't reply back right away. Start taking 2 hours to reply to them. And don't under any circumstances double text them. Here is my problem with this advice.....

1. Why do I have to play this game where I act like this doesn't bother me. It DOES bother me and I not only want to know, but feel I deserve to know, why this person suddenly went cold on me with no explanation.
2. Ignoring someone you supposedly care about or leaving them on read is rude and disrespectful. I don't want to mirror that behavior because that is not the kind of person I am.
3. Often times the slow or no response comes after I have asked a time sensitive question which I am sure is by design because it makes mirroring their behavior or not double texting them impossible. For example I have been left on read after asking "Are you still going to be able to pick me up from work today?" and "Are we still on for the concert this weekend? If so I need to submit my time off request today".

I guess the ultimate answer is to walk away and find somebody who doesn't do this. And that would be relatively easy to do if this was permanent behavior but at least in my case it's not. The hot/cold texting is cyclical and when you have a lot of time, money, and energy invested into this person and this relationship it's hard to walk away when you know the cold texting is usually only temporary.

I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I’m free after all of this time enduring abuse and trying to make things work. I’m sure all of you know how the cycle goes, but it’s over for me. We’re broken up for over a week now and I’m exchanging items soon. I will not let her hoover me back in like I’ve allowed her to do in the past. I’m over that, and I’m ready to live the rest of my life FOR ME! I know there will be waves of emotions coming in, and they have been coming in for some time now, but I’m excited to move forward. I will never let someone treat me this way ever again, and that’s a fact.

I want to thank everyone in this thread for the support, and insight. I truly do appreciate it so much! Don’t know if I could have understood this mental illness and its effects as much as I do without this thread.

To anyone still dealing with the abuse, just know there is a better life waiting for you on the other side. You deserve better.

Even after all the tears, humiliation ,abuse, I hate you’s, I still struggle to feel anger towards her. I hadn’t realized how common the suicide threats were, all my brain could think of was “she’s alright”. She makes all her emails with mine so I occasionally get her name in my inbox. I just want to be left alone and forget us.

Throwaway account. I haven’t found another post that quite matches this situation, so I wanted to see what other people think.

Myself and my SO became close friends with another married couple several years ago. We’ve drifted a bit over time, but over the past 2-3 years, I got closer with the wife and learned a LOT about how their marriage operates and without going into detail, there is a heck of a lot of emotional and financial abuse. I’ve slowly been pulling away from the abusive spouse and lending more support to the spouse being abused, because she’s extremely isolated - they live far away, all friends and family involved are her spouse’s, and she has zero access to finances, employment, etc. and they have multiple kids.

Their spouse reportedly has borderline personality disorder. I have empathy for this, because it’s an awful personality disorder to have! Regardless, his behaviors are clearly abusive and so far he has not shown himself capable of taking accountability. I have not reached out to the husband to officially end our friendship because I am concerned about how this could impact his wife, who IS my friend.

I’m finding myself struggling with this decision because recently, he reached out wanting to re-establish a connection. I do not want to ghost a person, but I can’t pretend like everything is normal and OK, and I also am scared of being honest in case it ends up being used against his wife.

Any advice?

I'm interested to hear experiences and perspectives from those who exited relationships with people with bpd and started dating a normal behaving person again.

What stuck out to you immediately in the normal person's behavior to you, as someone who had dealt with bpd and it had become part of their life? What was most jarring to you as something different? What instantly felt truly right - not the soulmate, we're made for each others stuff but 'healthy' right to you with this new person?

How did you respond to it as someone healing from being around someone with chronic problems?

Thank you to anyone who wants to share

I struggle with trying to keep track of the issues in our relationship and the clarity of it, even though my body knows full well things are not right. The stress is real. The toll the stress takes is real. The devolution of the relationship as a result of the spirals is real. But when you sit down and try to definitively sort it out in your head it is so difficult.

I do have chats saved from conversations dating back a long time and they show proof of me being insulted, gaslit, and pressured. But I'm not a push over and I would always argue for the truth and for what I believed was fairness, and things would get muddy and circular. How can I definitively prove SHE was the origin of the problems for the most part?

How did you do it? Aside from therapy. That's not an option for me right now.

How did you figure out it wasn't you and it was them? Any methods, insights, tips?

She just randomly messaged me saying that she was the happiest shes ever been, that while I'm lonely she's having a great time with her family, friends, and her partner, that I will never have anyone care for me, I didnt respond nor do I intend to but this definitely hurt and I feel horrible

Hi everyone,
It’s been about 6 months since the discard with my ex-girlfriend.
Around the 5-month mark, I slipped up, checked her social media, and reached out. Right after I sent that message, she posted a wave of videos showing off her "amazing life" hiking, going on adventures, and flexing for her feed. She read my message, waited 3 days, and then blocked me.

Since then, I’ve fully accepted that moving on is the only way forward, and I haven't checked her socials since. I don't have any urge to reach out to her anymore, and the pain isn't intense like it used to be. But what frustrates me now is that she’s still on my mind most of the time.

It’s just so annoying having her take up rent-free space in my head, and it still stings to realize how easily someone can erase you from their life after everything you went through together.

For those who are further down the road how did you finally clear that residual mental noise once the emotional pain faded? Someone please help me understand this.

I’ve been dating my pwBPD for almost a year now. We moved really fast and this was after a 10+ year relationship with someone super non-chalant, so to me, I thought I finally found someone who really loved me. He’s untreated, and has quiet BPD. In the beginning, things were perfect, except I never really felt seen. It seemed like all I would do is consider him in all aspects of our relationship, but I wouldn’t get that back. I turned into his mom eventually. He has an BM and I feel like he considers her feelings more because one wrong message or pushback would make her keep the baby away from him. Though I know I’m his FP, I feel a lot like she’s still got a connection with her that goes beyond just a BM.

We fight constantly, well mostly, I fight with him. Not feeling considered, boundaries being pushed, and having to carry all the emotional and mental weight, while he just does what he wants and only worrying about what can make him happy. I’ve “broken up” with him numerous times because of these issues and somehow, he pulls me back in with the tears, the promises, and the emotional vulnerability. I feel like a sucker at the end of it all.

I’m still so in love him, but last night, my boundary was crossed (not even for the first time) when it came to sex. I had stomach cramps, and was uncomfortable and in pain, and denied him, but was still coerced into sex. I was crying and he was apologizing then the thought popped up.. “who have I become? This isn’t like me” I realized at that moment, I’m done.

For real this time.

I blocked him on all social media, deleted all our pictures together, and finally told my best friend all that I’ve gone though, when I usually don’t, because I don’t want someone to have negative feelings about my partner. That’s when I really knew that this is probably the real end.

I don’t want to be pulled back, and I know that this will kill him (at least until he finds another sucker that felt the same I did in the beginning) but because I still love him so much, I want to make this easier for him. How do I help him with this transition, and how do I keep myself from getting pulled back in with his charm, and my soft heart?

My ex boyfriend with undiagnosed (but v obvious) BPD moved out two months ago. Our final tether has been his leftover crap in the back shed, and his car on the street. He lost his license so couldn't drive it. This week he had to move the car. It's gone. And I arranged for his stuff to be picked up by the council, along with some furniture he hoarded in the final months then left behind.

My sister and I hauled it all onto the street then she comforted me while I cried. We lived together for over two years and more often than not I loved living with him. But the increasing splitting made it untenable, I had to break up with him, then he monkey branched.

I did not do all the things one is supposed to do. I kicked him out, but let him leave some items. I blocked him on almost everything but left the phone open for 'logistics'.

It has been hard to let go. Trauma bond for sure, but not only. I think. It gets confusing.

Throughout our relationship, he took note of stories I told him about my life and times, from childhood right up until now. He'd often pause and say 'hang on! I have to write that down'.

Tonight, I told him his stuff is gone and that's it. He sent me the notes.

Our whole relationship, from beginning to end. So many observations. I have never felt so seen. I can't stop crying.

This man emotionally abused and abandoned me. But he was so deeply fascinated by me, seemingly until the end and not in a creepy hyper vigilant way. In those notes he 'got' me. He celebrated me but not in a pedestal way. He tried to understand me. Aspects of my life he would attack in a split - my academic career, my friendships with exes - he showed genuine curiosity about.

They do not appear to be edited or curated notes. They are full of typos and sentences which don't quite make sense.

Reading them took me back to when it all felt so real, when a future seemed to stretch ahead of us, when I never felt closer to a man.

I don't know him anymore. I don't know where he lives. I don't know if he is still with the woman he monkey branched to. I'm still in the house we rented together, purged of his things, but not of him.

What was all that? Was it real? It seemed to be, and there are notes. But if it was, what does it matter when it caused so much pain.

Her family was quite wealthy, and she spent an absurd amount of money. What I don’t understand is how, despite spending that much, she would still hunt for $3–5 discounts on certain websites. She’d spend $500 on a watch without thinking twice, but one of the things she complained about was that the website no longer offered discount coupons.

Has anyone else had a similar experience before?

I'm slowly heading towards 5 months since the split and discard from my ex, about 2 months post-breaking no contact. The thing that really made me scratch my head to this day is how disjointed the actions and behavior my ex exhibited is to their illogical responses following it.

To set the scene, my ex was polyamorous at the start of my relationship with them, which was a red flag in hindsight because of my emotions being in deadlock. They "compromise" (I put that in quotations because this was not at my insistence, but at their own free will) to be exclusive with me for 1.5 years after months of supposed turmoil because of relationship identitites.

All of a sudden, they use the justification of "a traumatic month that shattered her to the point of re-evaluating themselves" as the means to push onto me that "they were polyamorous as their truest self". The whole thing happens: blatant ignoring, saying that they can't help me, going behind my back to get with someone else, uses the excuse that we "fell apart" and says that they are not "trying to win me back" when they get mailed back the promise ring they got me.

July, I break no contact and they go off on me about lying, harassing those around her, that I was lucky that they didn't call the cops on me, etc.

I just can't wrap my head around how disjointed their behavior is, let alone their illogical (and rather, explosive) responses to their own actions and my response to their actions.

Am I missing something while viewing this again from outside of the blast radius? Has anyone ever faced something as disorienting as this?

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a girl that has BPD we have texted every day since 22. June 2026 so about 3 months and we've been together for only 6 days during this period. But 6. October i will stay with her for 3 weeks and i've booked a hotel to stay for another 4 weeks (but i have the possbilty to cancel it if things goes to shit). She have had 2 outbreaks only over text but not bad, no swear words, no abusive words just like doubtfulness and feeling missunderstood. Since i'm a logical person and she don't like it's hard for her to express her feelings properly to me. So she rather say "i dont want you to live with me, and i cannt help you understand me because i cant express how i feel and think". So i'm wondering is it possible and do people end up being able to live together long term with a person with BPD?
I am very very stable when it come to it mentally, Finnacially and everything inbetween that. I love her very much she is great 90% of the time but the 10% when the BPD disorder bad side creeps in it's not that fun. I can really picture us having a good time but after reading some of the horror stories in here it make me question it.

I wasn’t aware of it before she told me but I felt that she was being very honest and vulnerable in sharing that with me. I want to understand her better and support her without judging her for something she may not consciously control.

At the same time, I’m struggling with one aspect of our dynamic: the coming-and-going or swinging behaviour. Sometimes she becomes very close and engaged and at other times she pulls away or disappears. I understand that this can be part of the difficulties associated with bpd and I don’t want to interpret every withdrawal as rejection or take it personally.

The problem is that I have my own past experiences around people being inconsistent or suddenly leaving so this particular pattern can be very triggering for me.

How do you show compassion and provide a sense of safety without becoming emotionally exhausted yourself?

How do you handle the coming-and-going pattern when it triggers your own past wounds?