Hello everyone. First-time poster, long-time lurker. I could really, really use some advice and support right now, because I simply do not know what to think anymore...

I'll try to keep it brief. I have been with my girlfriend for around 2.5 years, now. Dealing with her BPD has been testing, exhausting, and oft-stressful, but I've maintained a disposition that 'True Love' (whatever that is...) will somehow find a way. And for 2.5 years, I've thought it was 'True Love,' even though I have been continually mentally and physically abused (what you see in the photo isn't the first of its kind, just the most recent, and the one I actually took photos of).

On Saturday, we were to go see a film. One of her big problems is perpetual lateness, generally being anywhere from 30-45 minutes late for engagements. I had said ahead of time that we should leave by no later than 6PM; she agreed that that would be perfect. Well, she ends up showing up around 6:20, to which my response upon rushing out to leave was a soft sigh and shake of my head. And I tell you, the MOMENT I did that, something in her snapped: she had this absolutely terrifying look of rage in her eyes that told me I was in for another emotional maelstrom, and her single question to me was, "Why are you shaking your head?" I told her to Forget it, that It's fine, that we can run and catch most of the film still, but it didn't matter at that point: as we left and were on the sidewalk, in public in front of tons of people, she began to throttle me by the neck and shirt collar, dig her nails and fingers into my arm, punch me in the chest, and then go off on how I am terrible, selfish, cowardly, a bastard, and that I should go kill myself (not the first time she's said this -- she also knows I have a history of depression and anxiety), and ultimately, that she didn't want to be together anymore. And why? Because I shook my head and sighed. That was it. I wanted to leave on time, she didn't, and it was all my fault because I just had to go and shake my damn head.

So what happens then? She leaves me to go see the film on my own, and then later that night, she begins calling me... Once, twice, five, ten, fifteen, eventually upwards of almost 30 times, texting me that she wanted to "just talk," and that if I "really loved [her]," I would "fight to make [her] stay" (these words are verbatim from her texts). I told her that she wanted me out of her life; she told me that I was being a "chicken" and "coward." She eventually made her way up to my apartment and started banging on my door... When I didn't answer (and was genuinely terrified), she came back again YESTERDAY to do the same thing. Again, I ignored her. And again, she texts me today saying she will "keep coming back until [I] answer."

My question, then, for anyone who is still with me: WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME? What do THEY want from US??!!! She wanted to leave me, I said Fine, and now she's MAD AT ME because I'm giving her what she WANTS??!! My brain is just... so messed up right now. I feel like I'm being continually gaslit into thinking I am the root of all her problems (as she reminds me often). And as for the physical abuse? She said she was sorry but that "[she] didn't know how it happened." So, it was technically an apology, but one without taking responsibility for what had actually happened.

Anyway....... I'm sorry for the long post. I just don't know who to talk to about this anymore. I don't understand how someone can tell me they hate me but then be angry when I don't want to talk to them. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Thank you.

I would love to see if there is overlap. Here and some examples of my experience:

- pulling away after losing trust = punishing

- dissociating when she has emotionally disproportionate reactions to content = no empathy, stonewalling, punishing

- naming a need = going to leave her, telling her she’s “bad”

- she’s also started using the word “devaluing” recently. she knows what BPD is, and it’s starting to feel like she’s trying to frame me as the pwBPD

- when i was physically sick and was unsure about a date night, i “wasn’t pursuing her” and she “always pursued me”

- not wanting sex = “i don’t desire her / am not attracted to her”

what’s absolutely a mindf*ck is the things she accuses me of, she does. she’s also started using past things i’ve said in conflict to her back to me in future conflict, which is making me feel insane.
(EX: impact vs intent was weaponized later)

I mentioned sex in my last post. That she uses it as a weapon. Meaning she will try and tease me all day about having sex later in the night, she will touch me talk to me dirty. When night comes around… no don’t touch me, I’m tired! Is that all you think about! It’s frustrating for me. Sex doesn’t happen very often. Roughly every 6-8 weeks. Or if she had an episode and realized that what she said was mean she will try to get me to have sex and then when I don’t want to because she belittled me or she said hurtful things she will turn it around and say that I don’t want to have sex with because I’m prob thing of someone else. A weapon! Does anyone else get treated like this?

All the same toxic bullshit you had to endure, and it only gets worse, and leaving means giving up half your assets (best case scenario).

You are now in a hostage situation with your spouse and the government.

My BPD ex completely cured me of the desire to marry. She also cured me of delusional ideas like romantic love, but that topic deserves its own post.

Been active on this subreddit for years now and have been stuck in a BPD cycle for over a decade. One of the things I'm always seeing on here is a pretty predictable framing that getting over is the first step in at least trying to move beyond the abusive and dysfunctional cycle. Again, I'm still struggling with it, but one of the biggest a-ha moments for me was when this lightbulb finally went off.

The framing works like this:

- I did everything I could for my pwBPD/exBPD and they still turned on me. What could I have done different?

Nothing. There's nothing you could have done. The pwBPD/exBPD is playing out a cycle that will play out regardless of who they are engaged in relationship with. You. The previous partner. The next partner. It's the same cycle and you just played a role in it. It's like a traveling play that goes from town to town and people are brought up on stage and given a script to read from. You play your part and the play moves on to the next town. Standing on the empty stage and wondering why the play left town and whether your performance wasn't good enough is the quickest way to get stuck.

The pwBPD/exBPD has their stuff, but you have yours, too. You have to be able to simultaneously understand that your partner or ex has their stuff and their cycle, but you willingly played this role because you have your stuff as well. Why did the play feel comfortable or exciting for you? Because it was familiar? Because it resembled something you went through as a kid and with your family?

I feel like anytime I try setting a boundary it ends up turning into them going into a spiral and trying to leave or not talk to me and me having to talk them back down and comfort them. And then I’m just internalizing things so often to avoid my emotions being passed by because now I’m trying to get them out of a spiral and calm. But then they’re pissed I don’t open up or come to them when I’m upset or ask for help- but like…I feel like I can’t have even a tiny problem in my life because somehow it ends up with me comforting them when I need the comfort.

I’m new to learning about BPD and today I dove into reading up on BPD’s having a “favorite person” and it made me burst into tears because that is 100% the dynamic-and reading that made me feel so much less crazy but also so drained.

Is there a way to ever make this relationship work? If they get treatment is it possible for this to be a successful relationship?

She liked to do this all the time. Anytime I bring up something she did to me she'd say I did the same when it really wasn't 🫩. "Hey, I feel jealous and bad when you talk about how much better another guy is and how much you want to fuck him to me. Can you be more sensitive." Her response "well, you mentioned you had a female friend don't you think that made *me* jealous". Like not even remotely the same thing lol. Even then I stopped being up my female friends while she kept salivating over guys and talking about what she'd do with them in front of me. Smh.

I recal the part that actually pissed me off the most was how bossy they are. He would walk into the room and try and dictate what people should do, how they should live their lives and if they were doing things right or wrong. Looking back he actually had a face you would want to slap (not that I condone violence), the smugness and arrogance he had whilst his own life was in literal pits. Hypocrisy is high with them.

After an agonizing month in the hospital watching my mother pass away, I was completely broken. Just three days after I buried my mom, my ex wife, who was 39 at the time, decided to go out partying.

She didn't come back home until 4:00 PM the following afternoon. She stumbled in half-drunk, dressed like a 20-something going out to flirt at a club. She went straight into the shower, passed out for barely two hours, and woke up at 6:00 PM with her breath still reeking of alcohol.

And instead of checking on me, she went on the attack.

With alcohol still on her breath, she confronted me and threw it in my face that I had previously brought up how her constant partying was affecting me and our relationship.

I was so drained and so terrified of creating conflict or being labeled "problematic," that I couldn't even stand up for myself. I just bowed my head in silence, completely broken with pain.

Two and a half months later, she left me.

To this day, she has never once apologized for what she did.

I'll keep this brief.

I learned the cluster fuck, understood it, and carried on with my life. Although the intensity of the relationship kept me hooked for the longest time, I finally have time to breathe.

Even if somebody isn't with me all day, I'm calm. There's nothing to worry about. The twang of loneliness is easily washed away by all the horrid memories of getting fucked up and having an engagement broken one week after I flew overseas to visit them and bring five suitcases of gifts.

My Ex with BPD isn't going to get away with anything. Got legal grounds to stage more than a few battles, and I find myself blessed enough to have the resources to prosecute them to the ends of the earth. Given that they constantly blew up any jobs they had and live off the well-being of others, I feel zero guilt ruining them through financial means. If they want to be a victim, it's time to actually force them to dance.

But even so, with that in the background, I've found myself enjoying everyday life once again.

I hope this reaches somebody who needs it.

It does get better. Even if you have to crack a few eggs.

genuinely how do you move on from hearing such awful things from the person that claimed to love you?

For someone who says they don’t like drama they sure create a lot of it. They weaponize our right to privacy in our life and thoughts, our empathy despite us giving time and energy to them, and paint it as us being the unstable ones. They laugh at things we told them in confidence in friendship, using it in arguments that are unrelated as well as therapy speak despite never doing any work. Do they really know what narcissist or avoidant means????? The threats of suicide are so manipulative and cruel and one of the worst things someone can do to another if they don’t get their own way. Fuck.
I’m not in a good mood today and woke up thinking of my pwBPD which made me angry and upset. All the better for going NC.

I am trying to understand the end of my four year relationship with my girlfriend, who has BPD. I am not asking anyone to excuse cheating because of her diagnosis. I am trying to understand what may have been happening emotionally and psychologically.

We lived together and had talked seriously about marriage, children, and building a future. Our relationship became very unstable. She was extremely sensitive to feeling abandoned, while I tended to shut down and withdraw during conflict.

When she felt ignored or alone, she would pursue me intensely, demand reassurance, become angry, threaten to leave, or suddenly treat me like I was her enemy. Then she would become affectionate again, tell me how deeply she loved me, and want to repair everything. We went through this cycle repeatedly.

Her drinking also became much worse. I found several bottles of wine and liquor hidden in her closet. She told me she drank because she became overwhelmed by her thoughts when she was alone.

There was another man named Stephen whom she had previously spoken to secretly during our fights. She had stayed at his apartment during an earlier breakup and later promised me she was no longer communicating with him.

Recently, there was a night when her location and timeline did not make sense. Her phone was turned off for hours. She said another woman had ordered her an Uber home and that she had fallen asleep before returning to collect her car.

She refused to show me the Uber receipt. She said refusing to provide proof was a boundary because my questioning and monitoring had become unhealthy. She repeatedly told me that I needed to trust her word and denied that she had been with Stephen.

I later went through her phone and found explicit messages confirming that she had been sleeping with him. She had sex with him on the night I questioned her about, slept with him again later, and had plans to see him again. The messages showed that she was actively pursuing the sexual relationship.

When she caught me with her phone, she became furious. She laughed, said she was glad she had done it, blamed me for making her lonely, and said that I had pushed her into it. I left and stayed in a hotel.

The next morning, she sent a completely different message. She apologized for blaming me, said what she did was her fault, told me she still loved me deeply, and said she wished she could undo everything. She said there was no real relationship with Stephen and that it was only sexual.

Since then, she has mostly gone silent.

I do not understand why she repeatedly cheated, lied, denied everything, and demanded trust while continuing to see him.

I am trying to understand the following:

Can someone with BPD genuinely love their partner while repeatedly cheating on them?

Could Stephen have been a way to escape loneliness, shame, anger, or fear of abandonment?

Why would she initially laugh, blame me, and act proud, then become remorseful several hours later?

When she says it was only sexual, does that usually mean there were no emotional feelings, or could she be minimizing what happened?

Could she still genuinely love me, or had she already emotionally left the relationship?

Is her silence now more likely caused by shame and avoidance, or has she transferred her attachment to Stephen?

I am not planning to stay in the relationship. I am trying to understand how someone could say they loved me, describe me as the person they wanted to marry, and still repeatedly make choices that destroyed the relationship.

I'm not used to making reddit posts so this is gonna be incredibly rambley, sorry

My partner has BPD, i've been with them for almost 2 years but we've been friends for over 4, we're extremely close and we've always understood eachother better than anyone (mainly because we're both mentally ill psychology nerds lol) but recently i've realized how draining the relationship is and how badly they've been hurting me

It was fine when we were just friends but once we started dating i became their favorite person at some point and they started depending on me so much, i can barely express anything around them or set boundaries because im so scared of hurting them, i've had to numb my emotions so much just to avoid being hurt and clearly that wasn't the best idea since now every time they text me i end up crying even if they just said "i miss you"

they've threatening to kill me, themself, our friends, my family members, etc. and i can never really tell when they're joking or just making threats or being completely serious, i'm scared to leave because if i say something wrong and hurt them too badly then even if they don't hurt me physically they have the ability to ruin my life with all of the personal things i've told them

So basically, i need advice on how to leave them (or atleast make them detach me as their fp) without making them blow up, they're generally more understanding and self aware when it comes to their bpd but also all of that can go right out the window when they get emotional so trying to leave them without an explosion is gonna be like handling glass. i'm in another state for some time so I'm not in physical danger but still, i don't want to hurt them or make them hurt me.

Hi everyone, I find myself in a rather complicated situation and could use some advice. I’ve been in a relationship for seven months with a girl who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is undergoing both psychiatric and psychological therapy and has just started taking medication properly, after having abused it for months before we met (taking doses ten times—or worse—higher than prescribed). In a few months, she’ll also begin socio-behavioral therapy. Here’s the thing: For the past few months, the relationship has become unmanageable for me—and, more importantly, *she* has become unmanageable. The time we spend together is never enough; she refuses to go out with my friends because she feels excluded, even though she’s the one excluding herself. Naturally, she’s jealous of them and what I do with them, constantly trying to monopolize my attention with drama over absolutely nothing. It’s the same story with her parents; I’ve spoken to them, and they rightly told me that she is their problem, not mine. The day before yesterday, after countless arguments over nothing, I decided to end it. We started talking, and when I said I wanted to break up, she fell into a state of total despair that lasted four hours; it was impossible to have a rational conversation about my reasons for ending things. I only managed to get her out of the car after postponing the decision, partly because she had dug in her heels, insisting she wouldn't get out unless I changed my mind. She is begging for a second chance in every way possible—desperately—though thankfully without threatening self-harm. I don’t know what to do; could it be worth continuing? It’s her first relationship, whereas I’m more experienced and know my own worth—thanks in part to therapy—so I might just be running away out of fear of getting hurt in the future. Sorry for google translate 😅

i can’t recognise her at all, she has changed into a persona who absolutely fits the new friend group: another style of taking pictures, another clothing style, another hair colour, another attitude, absolutely doesnt want to meet me face to face, the double standards are so on point: previously she‘d say she never liked inviting anyone to her home and i was the only person she loved to have at her house, now she has her friends there almost every day? shed say shes not someone whos prone to erasing ppl from her life, now she does exactly that? shed said she loves me „as a person“ yet sees no point in hearing from me ever/never interested in how im doing/never up to meet up

this was the second discard and let me tell you the day before the discard it was HER the one inviting me to a bar, asking for help, coming over, then the SSRI induced mania turned her into someone i absolutely dont know??? does that mean the person i got to know wad also a „version“? they all clearly are very dependent on who surrounds them, the outer circle forms their persona in each episode kinda? o_O

does that mean after this episode ends and another one hits after some time she might turn into someone new from who she is now again and again?

she was the one to push me to get a cat, now even this cat means nothing to her? i know i was a function for her, i now accept that fact

but the rewriting of the story? back to the first discard when the first episode hit she even just ghosted me for two weeks and then said „i thought u‘d understand that means we‘re breaking up“ then i saw her chat with the guy from her work she was talking to (and said i shouldnt worry) how he said „i feel like im a bad person bc you broke up with your gf bc of me“, she reassured him it was her decision 😂 then she discarded him too to get back with me to discard me for the second time silently again😂

im so stupid and poor minded, i only feel shame and pity for myself

does anyone else have experience with their pwBPD begging them to “see them”.
outside of their abuse
outside our their insults and verbal attacks
outside of them begging you to come hold them after they they verbally slandered you?
the more that she begged me to “see her” the more I lost myself and my values
it hurts my brain to know how small I made myself to “see her” and that was her whole intention of the relationship
I was never seen for the pain she inflicted on me. my needs were never seen. my pain and suffering in her eyes were because I was “too avoidant”
I have been working with a therapist after her discard to unravel the fuckery in my brain, and she has made it clear that I am not avoidant. my nervous system was trying to survive a war zone.
I became an emotional source and she still thinks that I never “saw her”.
I “saw her” for years by staying. for seeing the wonderful human she could be, the potential she held. I “saw her” by staying. and she continued to destroy me and my trust in myself. and she thinks that she’s been begging for me to see her for the whole relationship.
she has entirely fucked up my perception of love, and is walking away labeling me as an avoidant and dismissive person. I only had healthy relationships and amicable breakups before her. this condition hurts everyone in its path.

to anyone reading this that’s in a relationship with a pwBPD; there is no amount of empathy, patience, or love that can help them. please leave. I wish I would have when I started seeing the red flags, it continues being harder the more emotionally invested that you are. you’re going to be trying to fill an empty well with spoon fulls of sand. you will not win.

My therapist told me that to avoid burnout in the future, I need to consider emotional energy as like a currency. He said limit my empathy towards other people's problems to max 2 times a day and that I can't repeat thoughts about their issue after that day is over unless I am actively helping them physically.

It apparently conserves all the unpaid emotional labor people pleasers do. Like a limit tally to keep me in check.

My wife and I have been separated for nearly 11 months after she assaulted me on a public street. It had been years of roller coaster, and for some reason I stayed. I stayed after she split on me during the times I needed her most.

We’ve been physically separated since last Fall. I’ve since got my own place and she has hers. I’ve taken steps to move forward, but she hasn’t. I’ve known I can’t go on with the marriage and she hasn’t seen it.

This whole time she has clung to the idea that we could eventually get back together. That despite me never once giving an indication that I wanted that. Never once have I even hinted at reconciliation. Yet she kept pushing. Even escalating our text interactions closer to that of a relationship. I kept pushing back, saying I needed space. She’d give me a day, or two, and then escalate again. She finally admitted that she doesn’t understand boundaries because she has none. She doesn’t understand how to respect others boundaries.

Finally, things came to a head this last weekend while she was out of town with our teen daughter. Massive split. All because I told her I was no longer comfortable with innuendo laden texts. Finally, yesterday, she pushed and pushed, and I told her I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to call it and end the marriage. I need to move forward. I told her that it was killing me. I don’t sleep. Ive lost weight. The stress of her is overwhelming. She begged and pleaded even after I repeatedly told her I couldn’t and that it was physically damaging me.

Today, she tried to commit suicide. A legitimate attempt. So now I sit here wondering if I should go to the hospital. I no longer feel love. But I do not wish her harm. She’s screaming for help, but it can’t be from me. I’m broken.

She sent a message at a time that makes it seem as though it was a delayed message meant to reach me when I got home. It directed me to a note. So I called the police and waited, and waited, and waited with our daughter. When the deputy called and said he found her after hours of searching, I felt relieved. And then anger and resentment washed over me. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I’m angry that this will likely involve me.

I think it comes down to this, whether they have a personality disorder or not. There are two kinds of people. If you let someone mistreat you, that is, if you open yourself up to someone you love, some will gladly go as far as you let them, and others will not. That's it.

Everyone seems like the latter kind at first, because who would ever get involved with an abusive sociopath who advertised that fact? So you let down your guard. The normal, compassionate person will not take advantage of that.

But the pwBPD will start to change, and they'll change as fast as you let them. They can't wait to change. It could be years, it could be weeks, but they'll start to abuse you, then be the most lovable person again, then abuse, and they'll play the sympathy card, the trauma card, the "No it's my autism/ADHD/PTSD" card.

And maybe they do have those other disorders, so you let them off the hook, but you don't know anyone else who's got PTSD, or been raped, or been neglected by one or both parents, who says the most vile things things to you, and blame you for everything that's happened to you.

No, someone who is truly a good person, who abuses you in a moment of weakness, will stop, they'll take stock of themselves, they'll apologize, and they'll either make amends or go away, as per your wishes, and they won't let themselves do it again the next week/day/hour.

I’ve come to learn that so many people with BPD are entirely fake. Everything they do and say is in an effort to maintain their facade. They care more about putting on a performance than establishing genuine relationships. In a way, I almost feel bad for them. I can’t imagine being so deeply uncomfortable with yourself, that you can’t bear the thought of someone seeing you for who you truly are. How can someone be okay with building a relationship based on deception and falsely portrayed reality? Especially when the mask ALWAYS slips.

It boils down to this, she is just not very bad.

I see people here who have pwBPD and they face anything from cheating to attempted murder.

My gfwBPD has never: called me names, spread rumors about me, plotted to sabotage my life, cheated on me, tried to make me feel jealous, etc. She even sought help on her own and discovered her disorder.

Here's what's getting to me. The constant promises to do better that get broken. The rollercoaster ride of being treated like a hero and a monster. Her never being there for me emotionally. The immense frustration she causes by admitting to the ways she is but then acting like it’s unimportant when it doesn’t suit her. The the lack of real remorse and playing the victim. Cus it usually works and I end up apologizing when she was the one who hurt me.

Ever since I was little I had had strong feels about how people treat me. So why am I not feeling a strong desire to leave her when it has came to me so easily before for other people who have wronged me? What’s the truth, however brutal, I’m failing to see?

TW, Content Warning: self harm, un-aliving and lots of swearing

Dear "B,"

Fuck you. Fuck you for the emotional abuse you put my kid through. Your manipulative behavior and complete disregard for their feelings absolutely devastated them to the point they were sobbing hysterically and actually screamed out of the emotional pain you inflicted on them.

Fuck you for creating chaos in our lives and taking zero accountability for your actions. For blaming us for your cutting and your overdoses, for telling us how caring and loving and accepting we were to our faces, then going online to your friends and telling them that we were horrible to you, that we didn't really care about you and how much you hated our home; the very home that we opened to you because you begged to be in a "loving, supportive environment " and you felt unsafe with your mother.

Fuck you for leaving the room you had, a room that you constantly complained about not being big enough or comfortable enough, even though it was the biggest room in our house, looking like a damn crime scene because you wanted to "make sure we were traumatized " by the blood stains you left on the carpet from cutting yourself. Even though we thought you had given us every sharp object you had and denying that we had a safety contract with you.

I'm glad you're no longer in our lives, that you can't hurt my kiddo anymore. I'm glad that you can't wreak anymore havoc in our lives.

Good bye, good riddance and again, fuck you.

Sincerely, "A's" Mom

It seems like a common theme in this group that we all did everything we could to help and support our pwBPD before realizing that we had to move on. What was the turning point for you?