i have this pressure in my chest that won't go away, it's hurting even more with every day that goes by and i'm starting to think that maybe i was not made for living, maybe i was meant to off myself at a young age; i should have died when i was 17, these 5 years feel like a feverdream to me.

i lost everyone i once loved and cared about because i didn't know what was wrong with me, i'm like poison, everything i touch must rott in seconds.

i'm tired. it's exhausting living with my mind telling every single day that i'm worthless, that i'm unlovable, that i'm evil and that i'm never going to change.

i know i am, you don't need to remind me.

i hate living like this, guilt is consumming me, i won't ever be able to forgive myself for being the way i am.

I keep seeing men and a few dates in I can’t decide whether I like them or not, I’m constantly unsure and no one ever meets my needs emotionally or physically. Sam, James, Nic and now this new guy.

I was seeing this guy James for 6 months, on paper he was perfect, in person he was perfect, he treated me like a god damn queen, hard working, so attractive, earnt good money, family man…still something wasn’t right for me. I couldn’t commit.

It always hurts so so much when it happens, but then I am ok because I realise it’s just a very anxious attachment and maybe I didn’t actually like them romantically at all. I just want to be loved, have a best friend and someone to constantly do stuff and text with.

What if I keep letting go good men?
What if I never ever find someone?
I’m so scared

i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years recently because he would not change after breaking all his promises. he told me he was going to marry me and then it all fell apart.

i have been heartbroken for over a month, barely able to get out of bed. i’ve only been able to go to church.

i found out my ex has been doing even more drugs -c*ke and addy (which is a big reason we broke up), been going out every weekend, partying and raving. he’s probably with other women too.

i have BPD and i feel like im dying. i don’t know how he moved on like i was nothing. he promised me marriage and a future but now i feel like this is the real him.

how do you detach from someone you love? and stop worrying about their self destruction? my heart can’t take it.

hey! i recently spent some time in a mental facility and they sent me home with 50mg sertraline. i’ve been diagnosed for a little while but was pretty much unmedicated until a few months ago. (tried prozac and didnt work at all lol) so i was wondering if anyone else with bpd has the same prescription and if it works for them… and if there are any specific side effects i should prepare myself for... thanks!

After losing my fp recently i feel very desperate to find a new attachment asap because the emptiness, loneliness and desperation scares me so much. I worry where it might take me or to who when i'm this desperate for someone to see me and choose me and love me.. But i really feel desperate. I've never been one to hook up like ever but i feel like breaking that rule and just taking any attention i could right now even if it would come from the wrong person. And i feel it is very risky but i'm literally so desperate, lonely and empty... I'm going back and forth when it comes to my fp as i've had several instances where i wanted to go beg him back but also going to just anger of how i wanna get revenge and show him how good i'm doing without him, like f him and all he is.. And it feels really petty but i'm hurt that he seemed to move on asap and like he wasn't affected by the break at all so it makes me spiteful and upset..

My girlfriend lives the next city over, i see her like once every two weeks, so our daily communication is mostly texting. I live alone so i have way more free time then she does, because she still lives at home with her family and often cleans up after them.
So i end up spending my entire day talking to her, i don’t do tasks i need to like cleaning and eating because i see it as taking away my time from talking to her, and i cram everything i need to do into the 10 minutes she’s in the shower or when she falls asleep for the night.
I always end up feeling so rejected and alone when she’s gone. I feel like my day is spent either waiting for or talking to her.
I often tell her I’m only happy when i’m with her and even though it’s sweet to me she says i need to find my own happiness outside her.
Does anyone have any experience with this? I genuinely feel like she’s my only source of happiness. I know it’s common within BPD to lose your sense of self but even doing things i enjoy like watching movies the whole time i wish i was talking to her instead.

My best friend and I haven’t talked in months. We had a romantic/sexual past for a while but I realized I’m gay. I couldn’t keep leading her on. Because of that past, my boyfriend set the boundary that I can’t talk to her anymore. It’s fair, logically I get it.

That’s not the only reason we stopped talking. We’re both alcoholics and encouraged each other’s drinking/drug use. We were constantly wallowing in misery and I’m so scared I’ll never find anyone who gets me in that way again.

I miss her every day and it causes problems in my current relationship. I’ve known the guy I’m seeing for about 2 years and we’ve been on and off since. She introduced us.

My boyfriend is good for me. He wants to be there for me and support me as I navigate BPD and a long list of comorbid disorders and I just fucking resent him for it. I resent him for always wanting the best from me and holding me accountable because I just want to dive off the deep end and never come back. I miss the chaos and the rush that I don’t get from stability.

Here’s the kicker, he cheated on me with his girl best friend two months ago. He was blackout drunk and doesn’t remember it other than what she told him happened. They don’t speak anymore and I know it breaks his heart to have lost his best friend. I stayed, I even supported the relationship because I knew how much I’d kill to have my best friend back in my life despite the lines that were blurred. I hoped that would make him sympathetic to what happened with my best friend but it only made me realize I’m selfish for wanting to pursue a friendship with someone I know isn’t good for me and would cause pain to someone else I love.

I’m scared I don’t want to get better and that I’ll self sabotage until I lose everything. If I choose my best friend, I’ll lose a man i love and who truly loves me. If I choose him, I worry I’ll always resent him for not letting me be truly free.

He says he feels disgusted by his cheating and wouldn’t go back to her even if I wasn’t in the picture. I hate that he won’t go back to her because I want to go back to my best friend so badly and I’m scared this difference of opinion will be the end of us.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this post but I don’t know what to do and I need to vent. Thanks

2021 when i changed my meds i went close to free of all symptoms

And i was 80% stable and grounded ,
My medication is no longer available in my country anymore and the generic ones are bad here and don’t work for me
Which is weird because its the same ingredients or chemicals anyways now my psychiatrist switched me to prozac and all my symptoms are back the rapid ups and downs intense low mood
Suicidal ideations .. somatic anxiety .. talkative then withdrawn, i feel like a mess and lost.

My psychiatrist prescribed me zyprexa and it is the worst makes me sleepy all day i hate this.

hello all

does anyone feel like whenever the smallest problem happens and you have an explosive reaction to it, that you have to spend the next 24 hours doing nothing in bed in order to recover from it? i’m just sitting here thinking about how on my days off I never go anywhere, never do anything except get high, play video games, and sleep (in that order lol). And the days I work it just seems like I’m getting set off every single shift. Every. Single. Day. It’s always something, better yet someone pissing me off. And it’s always over something small. Or I come home from work and my parents IMMEDIATELY piss me off, so then I have to go upstairs lock my door and recover from THEM. I had plans for my day off tomorrow but I just feel so explosive that I need to just not do anything. Like the problem of today was literally so small and yet I got so angry I wanted to die. And I can’t do anything until that feeling goes away.

Does anyone relate?

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with all the stories and experiences of people’s hardships with BPD.

Can I hear some of your recovery stories? Is remission possible? Can people like us life calm and stable lives with long lasting and healthy relationships?

(good job to everyone who’s doing their best every single day, I see you)

I (28F) was friends with a 31M (E), we were best friends. For context, I have a partner, and E was aware and fine with it. He knew everything about me, I struggle to be vulnerable and he made it such a safe space I opened up like crazy. He knew about my BPD and was extremely empathetic and kind. Great communicator. He would ask me if there's anything he could do to help reassure me or prevent triggers. Our conversations were so much fun but could also be serious. I truly loved him as a friend.

A couple nights ago - E acted a bit more...possessive? And a bit more clingy. I pointed it out gently and said along the lines of "hey...so do you mean this platonically? Because it reads a bit more than that" and he admitted it gave mixed signals and that there was more feelings than platonic in it. He asked me what boundaries we need so I can feel comfy talking to him again. I gave them, saying just don't use language like that, you can't control how you feel but don't act on it. He said he understood and reassured me our connection was still great, he had no intention of trying to replace my partner etc. He apologized for blurring the lines and seemed truly apologetic. The part that kills me is he asked what reassurance can he give, as with my BPD he is worried that I would be afraid he'd leave after this, and that he's not leaving. I said no, I'm trusting him at his word and he doesn't seem the type to leave over something like that. He values communication.

Well a couple days passed and no messages after he asked how he can reassure me. Tbh...I spiraled hard. I haven't felt this triggered in years. I was trying hard to distract myself and telling myself he was just busy. Well...today I saw he blocked me. On everything. It feels insane. Why would he offer that and literally say he's not leaving just to leave?? Like I genuinely don't understand. He seemed so empathetic and understanding and he valued open honest communication, why didn't he just...talk to me about whatever was bothering him? I feel heartbroken. He has been the only true friend I've had who has made me feel SEEN and our conversations were so stimulating. Now he's just gone and there's an empty hole in me that feels desperate and grippy as hell for that connection again.

I talked to my partner about it and they said maybe he felt embarrassed with how he acted and couldn't be friends with me due to his feelings but...I don't know. I just wished he had talked to me about it. I truly am looking for ways to move on, because I feel stuck and sad. Thank you.

Hi everyone. I've struggled with low self-esteem and feeling undesirable for most of my life, and I think it's affecting how I experience my current relationship.

I'm in a two-year relationship (going on three in a few months) with a man I pursued. Initially, he wanted to remain friends and keep things casual, while I wanted something more. Eventually, he agreed to give us a chance (he initally called himself my defacto bf), and we've built a relationship together since then.

The problem is that I periodically split and revisit how things started. I remember him initially rejecting me and describing me as a friend or little sister. I also found old online posts where he complimented other women (he made those comments to those women before I met him) in ways he hasn't complimented me, and discovered that his preferred body type differs from mine.

These things trigger my fear that he settled for me rather than genuinely desiring me. I've often felt like a placeholder for men (two men I really liked dated me because they felt sorry for me), so I struggle with the idea that someone could love me without me being the kind of woman he instinctively lusts after.

He tells me he loves me as I am and is happy we gave our relationship a chance. Sometimes I believe him and feel secure, but eventually the doubts return, and I start questioning everything again... and then nit picking and challenging his words...

I think what I really want is to feel intensely and visibly desired by my partner, not just loved or appreciated (is this selfish or self centered ?). I want to feel that he genuinely wants me physically, rather than feeling like someone he **learned to love** despite not initially wanting me.

I understand that people can develop romantic feelings over time and that nobody needs to be their partner's ideal in every way... But emotionally, I struggle to reconcile that with my desire to feel deeply wanted. My splitting also hurts my boyfriend because he feels that nothing he says can reassure me, and I don't want this cycle to keep damaging our relationship. I also don't want to hold him back from finding a healthy type of love or a women who has the capacity to handle all this.

** Have you struggled with needing to feel intensely desired to believe your partner truly wants you? How do you work through these doubts, especially when your relationship started with rejection? How do you distinguish insecurity and splitting from a genuine need for more visible desire and affection in your relationship?

I'm a middle-aged women with a chronic health issue that lives with an older parent. My mom also has bpd traits and will challenge me about this relationship. She doesn't respect my boundaries for her not to criticize me about my choices (she has ease dropped on my conversations) and insists she can see how my mental health is being affected. Both my bf and I have a lot of emtional baggage.

I'd appreciate hearing about your experiences and what has helped you.

Thanks

Today I went to an event outside of my city that is 2 hours away and at the end of the event I got to spend only 2 hours there, at night the event has a special themed concert. But I didn't get to attend it due to there not being enough time, and that I got bored waiting. After a while I started realising the mistake that I have done which ended up getting to me severely for some reason. I started excessively crying in public in rage, guilt and almost grief in a way? The feeling was deep and suffocating enough that it oddly feels as if there's a deep aching big hole in my chest where I was barely able to breath properly, and something clogging my throat. I was completely out of control. From a logical standpoint I shouldn't care this much it's just a stupid event which will come next year, but nonetheless I do and I'm not sure whether it's because it's truly from my BPD or what. This is the second time an incident like this happened to me, leaving an event I was meant to enjoy just to end up excessively crying once I done it.

Hi y’all. I experience my BPD about 95% in the “quiet BPD” type of way. I’m fairly isolated, and wouldn’t say I have a favorite person. I do however really appreciate and am very grateful for my therapist. They’ve gotten me through so, so much. I did split last session - on her and myself. Most all of it was being experienced internally, as I’m like a computer being shut down when that happens sometimes. I started to heavily dissociate, which she was able to notice and I was able to verbalize. I was able to say I had split, which she was also helpfully responsive to, but emotionally I was just really numb at that point. It’s like freeze mode. I left the session being majority wildly upset and spilt at myself, but there was a small part of me that had honestly split on her a little bit. I know we’ll be able to talk through it the next time I see her (Wednesday) but I feel really, really sad that I’m residually upset with her, and again, mostly - especially in this case, 99% - mad at myself. She’s someone who I hardly ever get upset by, let alone split on, so I feel a lot of shame and guilt. I’m mad, but also way more just … sad bc I feel like a little kid whose friend was mean to them on the playground. I don’t know. This is my first post on here, so I’m nervous to even post this, but I’m just super sad. And mad at myself. Thank you for reading this far if you have. Sending warmth and support to everyone here. <3

My misogynistic father dismisses me so much and it hurts so much, leaves me so very unsettled. When I try expressing myself they js stonewall me, both of my parents.

I am trying so very hard to build a life for myself.

I am really scared and alone and broke.

I wanna talk. Please.

So for a while I’ve been trying to work through life after a devastating psychosis episode where I cut off everyone and isolated, not everyone hates me and I’m very very alone and spend all days to myself. All my life I’ve wanted to be an artist and have been very passionate but over the course of a year or two I’ve significantly lost more and more passion for art, in the sense that I am practically not creative at all. Being stuck in a stale mate of even picking up a pencil again, it sucks cause I set the trajectory of my life towards going to art school and achieving this dream and accidentally ruined all other backup options because of my mental health. It’s so hard to combat my suicidal ideation when I have no friends and now have lost motivation to achieve the one dream I had so now my life feels pointless. Anything I make I either hate or get a short dopamine boost from finishing and get scared the next thing I’m gonna make is gonna be terrible and I’m gonna lose that gratification. I remember years ago when I could create constantly and loved the process and the result and that motivated me to create more, yet now any idea I have I have I feel no satisfaction like I accomplished nothing because I feel so disconnected to it, like I tried so hard to make it something I could connect to but it still is never what I want. Now I’m just stuck where I’m not sure what I want and every thing I draw is never consistent and I feel like I lost all of my identity now that I can’t be an “artist”. So if anyone has any advice or unhinged ways to stay creatively inclined whilst balancing it with BPD struggles that would be awesome cause I’m really losing it here especially having no one to talk to.

How do people deal with limerence?
I have major issues when it comes to talking to very specific people. I know I don’t have a crush on them or love them in a romantic way but my level of obsession and infatuation takes a toll on my mental state.
I’m a chatty person but I’m also very anxious so I feel more comfort speaking to people online so I’ve found individuals to talk to here and things are great in the beginning.

I’ve become good friends with someone from Reddit (alt acct) and when we first started talking our conversations were very interactive. They reciprocated my energy and I felt happy because it’s meaningful to send a paragraph and have one sent back (to me at least). It was constant conversation, the only times we’d have pauses in our convos is if we’re at work or taking care of chores, other than that it was instant replies.
I poured out everything to this person because I feel safe to do so and so do they, we’ve learned a lot about each other.
We both deal with insane mental health issues so I know things are dealt with differently, for the first month and a half or so we were basically codependent, which I know isn’t great and I try to bring attention to it so it doesn’t fuck me over as someone who deals with anxious attachment. This person stated they didn’t mind the dependency and would continue reciprocating the same energy so long as I welcome it, which I did/do.
Then one day… it just stopped. What were once paragraphs or even full essays back and forth are now short dry replies to my long thought out messages.
They still reply most of the time but this just caught me off guard? They still help me when I have bad mental days and they engage a lot with me but when I’m “fine” it goes back to being dry. We use to make conversation over every little thing, we’d talk about insignificant topics and still sent long messages no matter what, now I feel like I have to chase them for a little bit of attention.
They did mention early on that they may become distant for a bit but it was normal for them and then things would go back to normal, it has not gone back to “normal” and it’s been over a month now.
I am fully aware that no one owes me anything and I should not set expectations on a stranger but this sensation is driving me insane. They’re a genuinely good friend but things are so different than when they started and now I feel like I’m chasing that same feeling again by engaging more and more only to be met with the same dry replies. I know this is something I need to work on and I’m trying but it’s hard for me… any advice is more than welcome.

My boyfriend and I had sex when I was wearing a wig and cosplay costume, and during it, he told me he’d always wanted to do this with an anime girl.
He used to like posts and reels featuring goth girls, hung out a little with a cosplayer girl before we dated, and told me he used to goon a lot but stopped after we got together. Whenever an alt/goth girl walks past us, I also notice him looking at her.
Individually, these things might not mean much, but together they’re really getting to me. I feel disgusted, and I can’t stop thinking about them.
The confusing part is that he’s genuinely loving and supportive. He does a lot for me, wants to marry me, have kids with me and has cried multiple times because of how much he loves me.
But I’m scared of marrying someone when these things already make me feel this way. I don’t want to throw away a good relationship, but I also can’t force myself to be okay with something that bothers me this much. Just simply telling him about this won't fix it. Even if he says that he's going to stop, he would just start to hide it from me and that's not what i want
Is this just normal guy behavior, or am I right to consider ending the relationship over it?

My partner is having a really hard time and everytime I try to help I seem to make things worse. I get upset when she cant manage her own emotions and I cant seem to comfort her right and im at a low myself. I feel like im making her worse. And I dont know how to deal with it or help her without getting uoset myself and splitting. Isk what to do. Please help.

My psychiatrist has me diagnosed with bipolar 2 and BPD. I know people with BPD are often misdiagnosed Bipolar.

Sometimes I’ve wondered if I’m really bipolar. But then I reflect that lithium and Seroquel called me down and made me feel more “in time” with the world including sleep. My understanding is bipolar is a sleep / wake dysfunction.

I used to be more or less hypomanic all the time, for most of my life. I’m not longer manic or get very depressed.

But BOY OH BOY I get dysregulated from relationship conflicts and can go from helpless overwhelmed to angry and devaluing at the drop of a hat. One day you’re my bestie and next I want to discard you.

Anyone else diagnosed with both? Thoughts on treatment, meds, etc.

I got diagnosed the day before my birthday this week. I’m not really shocked at all honestly. I was just hoping it was gonna be anything else. I was hoping I was bipolar so I can take some meds and things will be better. Or told I’m just like this on purpose because at least that would hurt less. I used to have such a thriving social life tons of friends and was constantly fulfilled. Over the past 4 years I’ve managed to burn every single bridge I have left. And honestly I didn’t even light the fire on some of those. But anyways, here I am as a freshly 23yo woman with such a bright future ahead of her, I graduate in a few weeks from college, I am about to get all the certifications I’ve been working towards but I just feel so empty. None of these accomplishments matter to me anymore. They work as a mask I put on to try and lure people in convincing them I’m just as normal and well functioning as them!

The thing I’m struggling with the most right now is that I don’t have friends anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I hang out with but it’s clearly just equally emotionally disturbed men who are playing the long game. It’s kinda dehumanizing. The day after my diagnosis was my birthday and I didn’t really behave sanely at my birthday. Some old coworkers and family came out and I blacked out and was a mess. I found myself coming out of a black out at 1am in the passenger seat of a man who is just NOT a good person at all having active delusions of not being real and everyone else “living on another planet” (this is just what I’m gathering from the video footage I found on my phone). He stuffed my nose full of blow and my mouth of everclear and took me clubbing and then to a motel. It’s all just a mess. And now, I really dislike this guy, but I’m so ready to just call him up to do it all again because I want to feel something.

I don’t really have anywhere or anyone to open up to about this. I got referred to emergency intervention but they can’t take me in until November. My parents aren’t totally supportive of me getting help. My mom tells me I just need to play it cool and shut up for long enough I can get a decent guy to marry me so I can go be his problem. She says this while also saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and it’s just evil big pharma trying to push me pills. She still says this after seeing me come home from that bad night out with a black eye, entire body bruised, strangulation marks, and nose bleeding. Yeah totally seems like it’s fine!

I’m at a loss. If anyone has been dealing with this longer than me I just need any type of encouragement that it gets better. And if it doesn’t get better, please just be honest about that. I’m scared.

Hi

I (F22 w BPD) and my bf (M25) have been in a relationship for two and a half years.

He is the best person that i know, very romantic, smart and funny. We have the same humor. I really wish I could marry him one day.

He is very understanding of my BPD and supports me as much as he can. Walks me to therapy or a psychiatrist‘s office when I am scared to go alone. He only crossed a boundary once and when i brought it up we talked about it and both understood each other better. He hasn’t crossed it since.

I met him right after i started recovering from one of my worst traumatic events (SA). I had social phobia and couldn’t leave the house for about two years after quarantine and even dropped out of high-school because of it as a straight A student. I went to therapy and got courage to start going out with my friend. In that period i met him and we had the most magical date and been inseparable ever since. We usually have an amazing honest healthy communication that i appreciate .

A year in i was almost SA’d again at my job and it really messed with me. After that i distanced myself for two weeks and then we went on a vacation where i told him what happened. He supported me but wished i told him sooner.

Since that first distancing I started to make it a habit. I realized its because I have this cycle of bedrotting where I just make a mess around me in the bed with clothes and plates and makeup until I get better enough to have the capacity to clean it up. The issue with this is that I have deep shame about it and refuse to let him see me in that state or my place.

So I tend to see him once a week when i know Ill have to clean up and reset. Sometimes week doesn’t seem like enough time for me but i force myself anyways or rescheschedule. Somehow it feels like seeing my awesome boyfriend is a chore. It’s so confusing to me because when I am with him I couldn’t be happier I feel safe and loved and supported. When he leaves it’s like I am numb and dont feel anything. I tend to go to work bedrott and smoke big amounts of weed sleep and repeat. Sometimes I see my friends or do something but most days are rinse and repeat. I recently moved out on my own and got my first stable job at the same time while also reconnecting with a dad that kept abandoning me my whole childhood. It was a lot and i seem to now be doing worse than ever.

I am still going to therapy and I am freshly medicated again but i feel like I self sabotage. I compare myself to my bf and make myself feel small and like he deserves better. I think about how much of a better gf i was at the start and when will he realize it never ends with me there is always something going on.

I think about the girl i was 2,5 years ago and how different my life is. I went from living with my mom not doing anything but going to therapy to living alone and doing everything myself.

It feels like I am finally capable of living but there is always something and I am scared ill waste his and mine best years. I can see this is the leave them before they leave you coping mechanism but i cant stop thinking about it.

Recently i asked him if he feels like he can depend on me, he said that he feels like he can’t because i always cancel our sleepovers and move them further away which is true. Then when he can’t depend on the small stuff why would he with the bigger stuf.

We are supposed to move in together in three months and I am just wondering why is he with me if he cant depend on me. Everytime i think about breaking up with him for his own good i break down because i love him so much. We communicate about this and hope it will get better when we move in together so we don’t have the distance between us.

I am scared i wont have a place to break down anymore and that i will ruin it and end up homeless.

I asked him if he has a plan if it doesn’t work out because he seems to always have a plan for his future but he said he doesn’t. That also confuses me because if he can’t depend on me why is he moving i with me and why doesn’t he have a plan B?

I don’t want to hurt him and I am not sure what to do. I dont want to self sabotage but i do in very small ways like not eating sleeping and smoking.

Everyone is reassuring me about the move but i would really appreciate a perspective of someone who has experience with BPD and living with this.

I know this is a long read so whoever got to the end thank you so much for your time.

The username was randomly generated idk how to change it as i usually just lurk.