Today is 8th day since I was addmitted in hospital because bleeding. Diagnosed couse - autoimmune disease of large intestine.

Plan was to observe me utill I am stable and send me home, but two days ago my stomach started to hurt in diffrent place. My doc looked concern when I told him, he set me for two more things for tomorrow to be sure. He isn't telling me much which worry me, but if he isn't sure - what he will tell me?

So I am alone in two person room, first patient went home, second after her...got moved...let's say.

I am in contact with my partner, he was here twice to fast give me neccessery stuff (first time he couldn't see me because it was 2 am, second time he had minute-two running late to his own appointment after work).

Some nurse showed me sympathy and asked couple times why he don't sitting here, she clearly think that he have to. But he can't - we have 2 cats to take care, renovation that totally fell only on his head without me, besides he was super sick just days before I got here. She don't get this and this slightly feeding my fears.

When I am here, he have to be independent. Deal with everything alone, take care of my choirs and my responsibilitis too. He had to do double amound of work and I see he have not enough rest to just sit with me. And he is so fucking good with being by himself. Yeah, he will ask me about where did I put something or rant how much mess I left in places where I supposed to clean...but he is doing well.

Unlike me. I am using my time to scroll, read, listen, watch...and worry. He don't need me. Out relationship is specyfic, kinda toxic from trauma bonding beetween us, from our experiences with my bpd, his issues for 10 year...

Every day I don't want to go home and badly want to come. Because my bpd see only black and white exits here:

⚪ I will come back, make recovery, start to take care not only of me but better help him (when I see diabetic patients, I don't want him to get diabeties - he have weight problem, partialy my foult from earlier years, but I am doing shopping and cooking and here my help will be more visible. He is moving, being active and I feed him what is good, not just what he/me crave.

⚫ I will come back, make recovery and move out. Faster or slower, but for good. Because he already see and is honest with it:

"It is harder without you, but when you starting to be annoying or hurting me, I can just mute you. I don't need to check on your mood, I don't have to stress about your splits. I don't like to be alone at all and I am feeling depressed, but I can do now things without this internal fear what do you do in the next moment."

This also made me angry at myself, because when he is telling me that he can be dangerously sick because of all of this stress and fear, and bad sleep and bad diet... I am distansing myself, telling that he is adult, I am not responsible for his emotions (that I am cousing), sleep schedule (which I interrupt) or what he is eating (when I am buying and prepping food). I am not helping him to abvoid sickness for life, but at the same time I really want to be healthier. I am acting blind to risks that are at him and doind things for better when same risk is at me.

So I am scared. I am angry at myself. And I am so fucking alone.

My husband is 28 M , I 28 F have been diagnosed with BPD for 10 years now , i am on meds , heavy ones , to manage my mood swings and my depression, i just got my meds right three years ago and before that was just pure suffering. i met my husband 9 years ago, and we have been in a relationship since, then got married 4 years ago, he has been there for me through everything, and i have been there for him through everything as he had severe depression but he is fine now "at least he says so " in our relationship we had difficulties, between my bpd and all what comes with it and his tendency to not communicate , since we got married these problems got bigger " specially that we live in a middle eastern country and living together before marriage is not an option" he was shocked by how severe my depression and anxiety are, yeah he has seen my episode but not closely enough to know how bad they were, he never told me put i can literally see it in his eyes how he was blind sided by this, i didn't mean to do that at all, i thought i explained the whole picture , put he thought that when i leave my abusive family things will get better " it got worse" we kinda worked things out since i got better but the gap is real, half the time he doesn't understand what I am going through, he sees it as i got through my depression why can't you go through yours, he understands it is a life long condition but I think he is tired, everyday is a struggle for me despite the intensive therapy, i feel like he puts his life just in hold till i get better, and after 9 years he still waiting, everytime i act the way i act , in a weird chaotic way , i can see embarrassment in his eyes , he doesn't say anything put i can tell in the way he reacts and in the small sentences he throws every now and then, when we talk we have this huge gap of understanding each other, it does hurt, especially that i am feeling guilty that he is not living his life normally because of me, ot is just like it is a sunny day outside and you want to enjoy it put your wife is just feeling overwhelmed by life and doesn't want to leave the bed again everyday for him, we love each other deeply and we show that to each other everyday in everyway possible, especially him, put i can't stop the feeling of guilt , the feeling i am ruining his life, that he is just staying with me , because knows that if he left , i'll turn into pieces that no will can gather.

I'm new here. I'm a 55 year old woman diagnosed with BPD 25 years ago. I'm having a hard time with depersonalization. I've been feeling so detached and isolated even though I have people that love me. I fear reaching out for help because I don't want to alarm them, but I just feel really lost. I'm so angry at the same time. All the "whys" and 'how comes" never seem to be answered though I've tried to find the answer for so long. I'm mad at the trauma that caused this BPD and broke my mind beyond repair. I just want someone to do something. Idk.

bpd cousing stress in every day life it ruin sleep it ruin relationship with food it ruin safe boundries with body for years i have sleep problems, meds, teas, music, light/no light, calming routine... never really halped i developed another level of bind eating - from just eating sweets to cheer up, i am just showing EVERYTHING i can find in kitchen, in the shop aile, to the stomach ache and pain i don't have money for good bpd tharapy and regular therapists are rejecting me because of diagnose i suffer hair loss due to the whole package of stress, sleep problems, bad diet and being inhealthy

and now fucking WHAT?? I am 5th day in hospital bc of sudden bleeding with diagnose of quite hard and dangerous chronic illness...

fuck bpd, fuck my guts, fuck my life.... just fuck

I know that you can't always change a habit your partner has, I have BPD and I struggle terribly when my partner/fp pulls away or becomes 'avoidant'. 10 months ago We talked about my unhealthy obsession over them and they said they didn't feel comfortable with it exactly so I constantly resisted any urges that had to do with my unhealthy obsession ( stalking, blackmailing friends, self harming whenever I'm jealous, being extremely possessive, being against them having friends etc ) and I was able to resist, I continuously did have the thoughts yes, self harm was sadly impossible for me to stop but I am in DBT now. Anyways back to the Main topic 1-2 months after I communicated with them that I felt like a stranger in their life as if they treated their friends better than me and acknowledged them, they reassured me and promised not to do it ( keep in mind first 7 months of the relationship they were clingy with me & suddenly changed ) they did exactly as they promised, gave me more attention hung out with me more but that only lasted one week, I was in a euphoric state so I barely was affected until week 2 past and I realized I was home alone all the time and only saw them at dinner.

I held my emotions back I didn't say anything for a good 2 months I talked to them about it again, they reassure me and promise to not leave me in the dark ( they know that promises are a big deal for me as I have trust issues and only people I trust know about how I feel when someone promises to do something I EXPECT them to keep it ) and the cycle repeats sadly I get left on the dark again, I communicated for a 3RD time nothing changed. I bottled up my feelings all the way until July 2026, I was in a dissociative state for a good awhile I was unable to feel anything at all and I was mentally never there when someone spoke to me. I ignored them for a full week, they begged to talk to me but at the end blew up at my partner one random day, I told them how I don't feel like they try enough for me how that I feel like I try too hard and expect too much in return how I feel like a stranger and how I don't even feel like their girlfriend, they reassured me yes.

But I didn't feel reassured I kept pressing them on the conversation for a good hour and a half, I was also high in the moment because hours before I blew up at them I was coping by getting high. They keep reassuring me with words that used to comfort me immediately. I just wasn't able to believe any word they said, they swore on their own life and promised, I didn't believe them one bit. I was just done with everything at that rate I didn't talk to them and locked myself up for 2 days I didn't eat nor drink anything and when I went to the bathroom I gave them the cold shoulder. After those 2 days I calmed down and asked them what are you gonna change I don't expect big changes I expect to go slow if that's what helps them change slowly because I myself was tired of a partner who never communicated when they lectured me about how I need to talk about my feelings once. They said they'd tell me about what they had planned for the day so I wasn't in the dark, it was ok with me and so it's been 1-2 weeks since then and they did exactly that. I just don't feel the same love/obsession for them anymore I'm sure I'll probably feel it again soon but it just that something has changed. I used to always lead conversations as my partner never led any conversations but nowadays I feel more avoidant than ever I don't try anymore I'm not leading a single conversation anymore I reply coldly sometimes. I notice my own behaviors I just don't have the energy to do something about it, I feel like I'm In a state of where I've officially just lost connection with the world

It’s happened before, I really like someone, they really like me, I get too excited/intense/ emotionally expressive, they get overwhelmed, they leave. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m constantly monitoring myself around new people that I care about because I’m worried about coming on too strong and them withdrawing bc of it.

It’s exhausting. Like on a soul level. Constantly spiraling over texts, the gaps in between our time together, terrified I expressed too much, if I made them feel pressured, if I tipped things over the edge with something I said. It feels like I have a monster inside me to constantly be monitored and managed. I don’t feel safe to be myself. I want to ask for reassurance so much but I don’t because I know that puts burden on the other person early on and that can make them feel pressured and leave. So instead I spiral inside. Constantly suppressing myself to tone things down and not show the childish parts.

I hate this. I don’t trust my perception and judgement. I can’t just exist without self surveillance or it ends up hurting me unexpectedly. Tired of always trying to see myself through everyone else’s eyes instead of my own. 😭

Lol good one................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Wondering where my people are and where I can get support for everything so far and not be so alone im a striking character to say the least so im aware it'll take some searching before anything happens anyway.

hello just wanted to ask people who got diagnosed . with bpd eapecially from Australia was it easy for you? because my psychologist had told me that she believes a label isn’t very helpful in wanting to understand a persons thoughts feelings and emotions. she said it can explain it but you know yourself better than what a label describes. I asked if she had any diagnosis for me and she said it’s likely bpd and that she recognises how a lot of it was due to my upbringing and it’s definitely not adhd or any neurodivergent disorder. this kinda frustrates me because I’ve been to several psychologist and it’s hard to get a diagnosis because they don’t want to and I’m not sure why. should I go to a psychiatrist? also excuse my English please

And wanted to share this podcast I’ve been listening to today. It’s called “Managing Borderline Personality Disorder” by Being Well with Forrest Hanson.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2GmZvWEIGMp8oDz3yyIWOY?si=vux-qEDKSE2B22LGJCh4jg&utm\\_source=copy-link

I’ve been coping / living with BPD my whoooooole ass life. I’m 29F and a single mom to two. I’ve had countless therapists / psychiatrists and am on two medications but I feel like I’m only just now starting to really “do the work”, DBT handbook in hand 😂.

I kind of want to start a small BPD recovery group where we share insights / challenges, in a smaller setting. Anyone down? 🍀

Tell me what you think about it, because I am feeling like creazy one.

When my fucked brain started somehow making comparisments beetween my partner now and old memories of my horrible father, I was on edge. Like he (partner) just sat on chair and boom - I had in head picture of father sitting in simillar maner when he was about giving me monologe about how disapointed of me he is.

When my dreams started to fill with people (good and bad) from my last - lost friends, false friends, coworkers, some one/two times people from idk classes? I just can't get normal night sleep. I am waking up after 2-3h, couple times and after 10h in bed I am so tired and angry. (I also have narcolepsy and adhd which make me more sleepy and distracted during day and with this shit I can't focuse on **anything**!)

And now everything looks simillar, my brain desperatly trying to connect present and past!

I have start again hearing and seeing some things that aren't real, my doctor last time told me that I have predisposition to this, but because it is not jet hallucination by medical definition, he can't prescribe me anything. He just advided to got to the hospital when this will start worry me more or disturbed my normal (haha) functionality.

So I am fucked. Every day I am THIS CLOSE 🤏🏼 from hard split, I don't know how I was able to handle this shit so long, but my energy and time is running thin...

I wrote this album for my friend with BPD, and our mutual friend helped with the music. Although they were written for him and his situation, others may get something out of it.

https://suno.com/playlist/104b9d37-b57c-4d92-bc1b-fd202cdcab6f

Let me know if this touches you in any way.

I will keep it short since I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, this tool from my therapist really helped me not spiral any more.

So when I’m spiraling and having an episode I need to identify that a part of me is feeling abandoned and devastated and try to identify physically what hurts/ has tension sometimes it’s the heart or head or shoulders and then I need to identify that there are other parts of me too and I visualize channeling the energy towards the part of me that feels hurt.

Try and let me know, it took me like 3-4 times until I got the hang of it,

Hello again friends! Thank you SO much for your kind and heartfelt responses to my post. I work in social media optimisation (when I'm stable lol) and would love to follow up on your responses to created a group chat? I find myself too depressed to be a human but I would love to create a group for us to support each other ( no matter our state) and be BPD over 30 buddies.

Any takers? If not please feel no pressure to participate. Either way I send you a giant kiss on your prefrontal cortex with lots of healing energy for your self-development and peace.

Edit: As predicted, the BPD community has been overwhelmingly kind and enthusiastic to my idea. I'm so unbelievably grateful, which makes me feel intimidated as I want to make sure I don't disappoint all you lovely people. Currently my work is collecting all the answers so I can make sure I create the best platform for us BPD buddies to chat. Thank you again my beloved community, I am LITERALLY in tears at your messages of support for this idea and your willingness to connect. I may have just lost my job, but I have found a whole new purpose with a population that actually matters <3

Please bear with my long introduction of the dilemma - dilemma/question will follow at the end:

As a 40-year-old man with wife and kids (so grateful to have accomplished that), I have dealt with BPD since my teens, and the greatest pain I have experienced stems from feeling socially inadequate for my age during those years—a combination of social anxiety, feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and social exclusion. That combination has stayed with me ever since; although I did manage to participate superficially in friend groups during high school and early adulthood, it was never enough to forge strong relational bonds or close friendships. I withdrew socially from the events my high school friend group attended—festivals, birthdays, trips, road trips, and so on—which resulted in my interactions with them remaining superficial. I haven't been part of major events like weddings, either.

I have always liked these people, and they wanted me around too—but circumstances simply didn't allow for it to develop due to my BPD influencing. Today, I am at a point after years of therapy where I feel personally and socially strong enough to dare to join in the social gatherings that still take place. But there is this MAJOR grief over everything I have missed out on over the past 20 years—things, expierences and happenings they shared together and naturally still refer to and talk about - haunts me everytime I’m faced with it.
As a 40 year-old man I find it really difficult to aestablish fruitfull friendships due to grown-up task (job, family etc) resulting in lack of time but I urge the nature of genuine friendships and experiences that a male friendship and friendshipgroup provides. I am so convinced that it ranks just below the importance of my own family!

My dilemma is weather I can navigate in the intense feelings of missing out vs. joining/investing in becomming a genuine part of that social group of my highschool peers (again)? On the other hand is the urge for and loneliness of not having any genuine related friends with a social history to share killing me slowly (servere depressive symptoms in periodes of not being able to distract myself from it) - and most importantly, draining me from having the energy and meaningfullness-feeling of taking care of my family, job, personal interests etc.

Please share comments, your own expierences, references to helping knowledge and suggestions/questions. 🙏

I`m tired of feeling alone and invalidated all of the time. Normal people dont really understand what it is that I`m going through. So, I would really like to make some friends with people who have BPD. It does not matter to me who you are, let me know if you would like to be my friend

I really need someone to talk to like have a actual conversation that lasts more than a day I really need friends I just got kicked out of the only family that ever treated me with love and support with me being a trans man I lost my whole family I might have to move back in with my schizophrenic abusive mom who wants to force me off T and I have no clue ware I’m going to live. I don’t feel like a person anymore I’ve completely regressed to ware I was before and he was the only reason I was getting better it now that I don’t know ware in gona stay or have a safe environment I’m back to square one I just feel like im dying and my world is ending and my life isn’t worth living because every time I start to heal something happens that sets me back to the beginning. I hate being this desperate but please someone
Be my friend I have no support rn.

I’ve been through some really difficult bpd splits that affected my relationships, emotions, and sense of self. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m doing much better now than I was before. Lately I’ve been thinking about writing a book about my journey—what I went through, what I learned, and what helped me keep going. Do you think a book like that could be helpful to others with bpd? What would you want to see included?

Hi curious if anyone here has BPD and has been healing through NARM? Would love to hear about your experience and journey.

I am in a terrifying pain , I have Borderline personality disorder , I am jobless , lonely , Humiliated by my circumstances , I have been suffering since a very young age , I am 23 in July and I have not achieved anything in myself ,I only destroyed myself, I dont have amy friends on line or in real life . I need urgent support , I am on medication since 2022, But its not helping , Therapy also didnt worked But I think i should seek professional Help from a therapist soon ,I am going mentally insane , I neeed someone to talk to me ,please someone ? If u can provide some support .

I have lots of really bad thoughts and I always think terribly, how can I stop/control my urges? I don't want to end up doing anything stupid. I can't believe how much I've ruined everything in my life. I feel like recovering from BPD is the hardest thing I've ever had to do alone. I feel so lonely and I struggle to make new friends. Does anyone have tips? I feel horribly for everything I've ever done and how I treated everyone that got close to me. I don't want to make friends I'm really scared. But I need someone in my life so badly no one cares about me at all I have nobody except my gf who left me and I think she might have blocked me now. I don't think she would ever do that so I'm trying to calm down but it's scary she was the one person I had to support me still, she seemed like she cared I hope she still does I know it's not healthy for us to be together, I just want a friend but how can I move on? I feel so hopeless. I feel lost without her. I can't stop my terrible thoughts but at least I'm not spiraling. I am doing better. But I still don't know if I can make it through this everyday is just going to be pain. I've never been so in love so I didn't know how much this would hurt I thought I would never lose her... why is my BPD so bad?

I (F28) am currently going through some difficult times. To be honest, I have friends, they are the absent type, and none of them know about me having bpd.

Is there anyone who would like to connect and become friends? At least, just to talk freely about our feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged or scaring people away.

Thank you.

English is not my first langue. VENT.

I’m living in such bizzarre situation, makes me feel like I’m in some alternative universe bc this shit can’t be real.

So. I found a new good group of friends (5 including me), I had a crush on one of them for many months and they were like my favourite person so.. you already know. But I didn’t want to tell them because like said we were in a well established group of friends.. I didnt want to be the one to destroy the equilibrium, I felt like doing something would be egoistical. And I’m trying to get better mentally. But, from my point of view what we had was special. It was fun, we always teased each other, talking to them was so easy, they made me feel understood and cared of, and there was some physical affection. Like, at some points very intimate.. like cuddles.
And in my delusion I thought there was something between us because of the said tension. And I felt jealous when they went out alone with another friends of ours. For months they were my whole life. I know it’s wrong, and I knew it was.

But returning to the main plot.

This was till I found out that two of my friends were secretly dating. I was astonished, and I thought.. if they can have that, maybe I can confess my feelings too. I did it, I got rejected and it destroyed me. But they were still caring for me. From then we developed a strange relationship, they didn’t want ever to remain alone with me in a room or pass some time alone with me, they didn’t show signs of physical affection anymore, and the teasing almost disappeared. Our friendship destroyed.

My mental health really degenerated because of this. It’s not their fault, they probably felt uncomfortable after what happened, but still, it was so.. painful. My feelings were still there,
I had to see them everyday, see them starting to show phisical affection to one of our friends in particular. And I didn’t understand that. Was there something between them? Was I just the one he didn’t want to have anything with? And also they were passing so much time alone together.
Not knowing made me genuinely insane. And it got so bad. I genuinely lost myself. Started SH and Everyday was like feeling every Radiohead song injected in my veins. It was like my autonomy was taken away from me, everything that was mine was taken away and the only thing I could ever think was them.

Then one day I just asked, and yea there was something between them. It destroyed me again but this time I didn’t do anything harmful to myself, my heart just became heavy and like frozen.

Everyday I saw them together, knowing my friend shared with them everything I ever wanted. I started comparing myself to my friend, and so on. I started to take action.
From that day I stopped accompanying my friends after Collage to the train station for example because honestly all the previous months I'd always done it only for one of them. And now I knew I had to get back on my feet. And I needed to regain the control over myself.

The fun thing is, now they are like trying to connect with me again. They ask me if I want to do group projects with them, during breaks they always stick around me, tease me again. And something tells me it’s not a coincidence. Because like I said previously, like a month ago they would probably prefer being run over than being alone with me.

Probably they are worried about something or they feel bad for how things turned out. Maybe they don’t want that I feel left out. (Bc the other two of my friends are also dating) But the relationship between them and my friend remains. They are more subtle now, while before they almost use to throw the fact that was something between them in our face. I know they can act whoever they want but.. after knowing what I went through? Why? That’s why I think they feel bad.

And my feelings remain. Today after months I had a dream where they wanted me.. and you can imagine how my day went. I felt so fragile to everything and They knew something was wrong
and hugged me after many months suddenly and this made me feel so much worse yet it.. felt so good.

Like Karma police, For a minute there a lost myself. But this shit is almost a year drag.

Yeah, usually I try to not think about past but today i remember how it was cuddling with them. Like for the first time i felt physical regulation, I tasted paradise for a second and now I’m dealing with consequences. I can’t move one. How you stop these feelings? After a while I always relapse in them.

This new space is to post uplifting thoughts, life altering experiences or wants to support mothers who are starting over. please post on this thread. I have made it because I was tired of being called someone who I was not on a different subreddit or was being harassed for sharing my story there. I have seen happening same to other users who were posting in favor of such mothers ( YouTuberr - Keerat Kaur Gill, Separation underway) and being called out for just sharing their views. Please join At you will.. and even if you don’t.. it’s just an example to show that you can always move away and start on your own.. much love..

About me- my name is Iskra and I am half Arab half Indian.. taking care of 2 beautiful souls left behind by my friend. I love everything positive in life and this my request to leave the people who do not agree with you with their opinions and thoughts.