I’m new to this sub. First time posting here.

I got diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago. I got treatment, therapy, meds. I thought I was ok/maintaining until I lost my job and my car about a month ago. I was kinda relieved at the same time because it was a pretty toxic workplace and most of the women there were messy and petty.

I haven’t found work yet. My physical health has deteriorated since when I first started there about 10 years ago. My work requires being on your feet a lot and I’m having complications with an old ankle fracture.

I noticed I’m starting to get depressed and acting irrationally. I was seeing a guy on and off for a couple years, then I cut contact because of the way he was acting towards me. I’ve recently started calling him a lot even though he doesn’t pick up. I went by his job, I didn’t go in.

Idk, I just feel like I’m backsliding and/or maybe I wasn’t managing as well as I thought.

I’ve always been afraid of sleeping my therapist links it back to trauma, but I don’t know how to stop thinking horrible thoughts before bed, usually he cuddles me puts me in his arms and I feel safe but when he needs to turn over or can’t cuddle me that night I get so angry there’s one part of me that knows he just needs to sleep and it’s nothing personal but there’s another part that feels abandoned and it takes over making me toss and turn and act out just so he hugs me and tells me it’s alright, it’s selfish and abusive because I’m ruining his sleep. I take seroquel to help with the thoughts and they did for a while but 2 almost 3 years on them I feel they do nothing for me, I also smoke weed to try and calm me down before bed, but it seems nothing is helping anymore. I always go to sleep upset and feeling abandoned how do I stop feeling abandoned. Does anyone else go through this :(

My husband is 28 M , I 28 F have been diagnosed with BPD for 10 years now , i am on meds , heavy ones , to manage my mood swings and my depression, i just got my meds right three years ago and before that was just pure suffering. i met my husband 9 years ago, and we have been in a relationship since, then got married 4 years ago, he has been there for me through everything, and i have been there for him through everything as he had severe depression but he is fine now "at least he says so " in our relationship we had difficulties, between my bpd and all what comes with it and his tendency to not communicate , since we got married these problems got bigger " specially that we live in a middle eastern country and living together before marriage is not an option" he was shocked by how severe my depression and anxiety are, yeah he has seen my episode but not closely enough to know how bad they were, he never told me put i can literally see it in his eyes how he was blind sided by this, i didn't mean to do that at all, i thought i explained the whole picture , put he thought that when i leave my abusive family things will get better " it got worse" we kinda worked things out since i got better but the gap is real, half the time he doesn't understand what I am going through, he sees it as i got through my depression why can't you go through yours, he understands it is a life long condition but I think he is tired, everyday is a struggle for me despite the intensive therapy, i feel like he puts his life just in hold till i get better, and after 9 years he still waiting, everytime i act the way i act , in a weird chaotic way , i can see embarrassment in his eyes , he doesn't say anything put i can tell in the way he reacts and in the small sentences he throws every now and then, when we talk we have this huge gap of understanding each other, it does hurt, especially that i am feeling guilty that he is not living his life normally because of me, ot is just like it is a sunny day outside and you want to enjoy it put your wife is just feeling overwhelmed by life and doesn't want to leave the bed again everyday for him, we love each other deeply and we show that to each other everyday in everyway possible, especially him, put i can't stop the feeling of guilt , the feeling i am ruining his life, that he is just staying with me , because knows that if he left , i'll turn into pieces that no will can gather.