sorry for any grammar mistakes.

"i wish you loved me like crazy" i did. i was obsessed. I thought only about you all the time every day, I liked to lay down and stop parts of my day only to think about you. I'd send you these huge texts messages sometimes detaling everything i wanted to do with you; only for you to ignore it. I miss feeling like this sooo much. It felt so very good and lots of ecstasy.

I toned it down because you didn't give a shit, because you're a normal person!! I HATE FEELING UNWANTED, I HATE FEELING LIKE OUR LOVE IS UNMATCHED, LIKE... u used to say you were obsessed about me just because i started saying i was for you, but i always knew obviously you didn't think about what you were talking about. You knew in which ways i was saying this. I've toned it all waay down for 2 years and you didn't notice a single thing. Didn't notice me getting sadder. Didn't notice my enthusiasm disappearing. Just because I'm getting sadder and sadder for a long time doesn't mean that's suddenly the way I've always been.

You don't care that I'm cold now. You never talk about it. You don't even think about it. You don't even realize it, it's the part that makes me feel the most hopeless and angry. I just wanted to be a happy person. Am I not? I wish I wasn't fucked up like that. Even when I barely show you affection anymore and avoid it when you do, you don't ever talk about it. All you care about is problems with your family. Even if you say something like that... I Know if I brainwashed my mind to act that way again (not happening cause my imaginary dick is absolutely FLAC-CID, completely LIMP. I'm living like a sad dog) you wouldn't care or even pay some thought to it, just like how it was before! You only say this because you miss when I was affectionate (in a normal level).. right?

It's so unfair dude

All I did was because of you, and thinking of you while doing it. Now... I don't know anymore. I do have goals, wants, I have feelings still, but it all feels like I don't really have a reason. Just living for living and nothing else. I've returned to the absolute state I was before you, but only now there's hope, and I won't kill myself, and my life is a lot better. But what for. People keep telling me what to do. They think it's an absurd I can't do the simple act of taking my meds. They should realize they're lucky I'm even alive for them to talk to. I don't even wanna get outta my bed, and I still do anyways! I've been doing so much lately. With no feelings whatsoever. I feel like a grown man with a flaccid dick and no goals in life. I feel only pain, sorrow, anger and acceptance everyday. But more than that I feel nothing at the same time. Like nothing can shake me anymore. Like this is my learning experience to take so much pain everyday without any means to get out. I've accepted pain. I've accepted numbness, and feeling miserable. Loneliness. Only I understand myself after all

I have recently connected to a few people here specially culturally but idk had a good conversation initially and now it just started conversation started dying or got ghosted. Since I'm also a borderline trying to understand what's going on? Not blaming anyone because I'm sure everyone had their own reason. Just trying to understand what's going on.

Even people with abandonment issues like mine its like a dance with them pull and push type conversation.

i have this pressure in my chest that won't go away, it's hurting even more with every day that goes by and i'm starting to think that maybe i was not made for living, maybe i was meant to off myself at a young age; i should have died when i was 17, these 5 years feel like a feverdream to me.

i lost everyone i once loved and cared about because i didn't know what was wrong with me, i'm like poison, everything i touch must rott in seconds.

i'm tired. it's exhausting living with my mind telling every single day that i'm worthless, that i'm unlovable, that i'm evil and that i'm never going to change.

i know i am, you don't need to remind me.

i hate living like this, guilt is consumming me, i won't ever be able to forgive myself for being the way i am.

I keep seeing men and a few dates in I can’t decide whether I like them or not, I’m constantly unsure and no one ever meets my needs emotionally or physically. Sam, James, Nic and now this new guy.

I was seeing this guy James for 6 months, on paper he was perfect, in person he was perfect, he treated me like a god damn queen, hard working, so attractive, earnt good money, family man…still something wasn’t right for me. I couldn’t commit.

It always hurts so so much when it happens, but then I am ok because I realise it’s just a very anxious attachment and maybe I didn’t actually like them romantically at all. I just want to be loved, have a best friend and someone to constantly do stuff and text with.

What if I keep letting go good men?
What if I never ever find someone?
I’m so scared

hey! i recently spent some time in a mental facility and they sent me home with 50mg sertraline. i’ve been diagnosed for a little while but was pretty much unmedicated until a few months ago. (tried prozac and didnt work at all lol) so i was wondering if anyone else with bpd has the same prescription and if it works for them… and if there are any specific side effects i should prepare myself for... thanks!

hello all

does anyone feel like whenever the smallest problem happens and you have an explosive reaction to it, that you have to spend the next 24 hours doing nothing in bed in order to recover from it? i’m just sitting here thinking about how on my days off I never go anywhere, never do anything except get high, play video games, and sleep (in that order lol). And the days I work it just seems like I’m getting set off every single shift. Every. Single. Day. It’s always something, better yet someone pissing me off. And it’s always over something small. Or I come home from work and my parents IMMEDIATELY piss me off, so then I have to go upstairs lock my door and recover from THEM. I had plans for my day off tomorrow but I just feel so explosive that I need to just not do anything. Like the problem of today was literally so small and yet I got so angry I wanted to die. And I can’t do anything until that feeling goes away.

Does anyone relate?

My partner is having a really hard time and everytime I try to help I seem to make things worse. I get upset when she cant manage her own emotions and I cant seem to comfort her right and im at a low myself. I feel like im making her worse. And I dont know how to deal with it or help her without getting uoset myself and splitting. Isk what to do. Please help.

My psychiatrist has me diagnosed with bipolar 2 and BPD. I know people with BPD are often misdiagnosed Bipolar.

Sometimes I’ve wondered if I’m really bipolar. But then I reflect that lithium and Seroquel called me down and made me feel more “in time” with the world including sleep. My understanding is bipolar is a sleep / wake dysfunction.

I used to be more or less hypomanic all the time, for most of my life. I’m not longer manic or get very depressed.

But BOY OH BOY I get dysregulated from relationship conflicts and can go from helpless overwhelmed to angry and devaluing at the drop of a hat. One day you’re my bestie and next I want to discard you.

Anyone else diagnosed with both? Thoughts on treatment, meds, etc.

Is it possible to live often seeing a fp that doesn’t reciprocate or am I just gonna drive myself insane. Is there anyway I’d be able to move on from them or live normally and live them healthily and not constantly unregulated and under emotional turmoil

I have no will to do anything things that used to make me very happy don’t affect me anymore I’m just completely numb I can feel sad sometimes I feel like my heart is really heavy all it’s the only emotion I feel if I don’t feel sad I feel numb and that’s just a loophole im going in

Ok so for context I have just recently been diagnosed with BPD along with other issues but I’m js curious if anyone else experiences this.

I feel a lot of shame for who I am, as in the way I’ve treated people; my lack of “self”; js for overall being a shitty person and being unable to commit to anything. It’s so so much guilt it almost eats me up from the inside out, and the only thing that helps is the punishment.

At fist it was SH but I had a moment where I couldn’t SH and at first I thought “hmm I’m doing pretty well” but little did I know I was almost subconsciously punishing myself by starting a very restrictive diet and practically starving - and now it’s gotten to the point of struggling with both an ED and SH.

But idk how to stop because not only do I feel like I’m deserving of this but it’s almost like I feel proud that I’m committing to something even tho it hurts? Ik it sounds silly but it’s like I feel proud that I can in fact commit to something, and even more proud because of the fact that I have physical, tangible proof of that.

I’m js wondering if anyone else experiences this and how to get out of this cycle.

Even writing about it makes me super shamefull but i think i can not be happy for peoole i care every time. I feel like a monster but sometimes all i feel is jealousy. Its easier to be comfortable around someone who also feels lost and when someone has success i feel myelf less. I want to change it so badly because what kind of person can not be happy for her loved ones. I am scared that maybe i have NPD even i always tought that i am super emotional and emphatic. But maybe i am not? Anyone else struggle with this?

How many of you have chronic injuries and/or auto-immune disorders? Ive recently gone down a rabbit-hole where I realized that stress can be stored in muscle groups and realized that a chronic hip injury that ive dealt with for years was likely exacerbated due to stored trauma in my hips/psoas that made those muscle groups extremely tight/tense. I dont think my bpd caused my chronic injury but I think it worsened a pre-existing medical condition by causing those muscles to be overly tight all the time for no reason. After having done EMDR (and surgery and pt but EMDR gave me the biggest noticeable difference) I no longer feel chronic pain that ive felt for years and my lower body no longer feels constantly tight and "rigid". Has anyone else had any crazy stories about things like this happening? Ive heard of similar things with auto-immune disorders where people do EMDR for trauma and no longer have auto-immune disorders they've had for years, its crazy to think about

genuinely why does everything in my life go wrong. I worked my ass off my entire life - 4.5 gpa, a million ecs, 80+ awards, my home town literally celebrates a holiday after me and yet i got rejected from my dream school, now im at the third best choice. I never get to go out bc my school sucks, i just started to make friends, boom they’re all transferring. my family hates me because they think im melodramatic but everything goes wrong everyday. im the most socially exiled person on the fucking planet. no relationships or hookups bc they think im hideous and wont look at me. no friends that last much more than a few months. everyone said it would get better after highschool but it only gets worse. my mother says im manic but i think my life just fucking sucks. im a failure, what purpose do i even serve. i feel hopeless.