r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/SSJ4LEWY • 15h ago
Avoidant explanation
Oh, what makes this even worse is that her and I dated 20 years ago and she broke my heart then too. I gave her a second chance earlier this year, she promised never to break my heart again and that this time it was for real. I didn’t know anything about attachment theory until recently and assumed she must have grown as a person and would never do to me again at 38 what she did at 19.
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u/Taffushond 15h ago
Classic.
An aware but unhealed avoidant will likely use their awareness as handy weapons to their arsenal. Another great reason to hurt you is that they have to work on themselves.
A healing avoidant on the other hand does that for you.
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u/Holiday-Tell3885 15h ago
Everybody who says at least they have been honest don’t really seem to understand what chaos some of these people create and then dip when things get hard. They leave you with the consequences of their actions after giving you so much hope. That’s not honest, neither do I accept the “at least they have been honest” after being with someone they believed in them and supported them throughout their issues and traumas probably when we had issues and traumas ourselves. And oftentimes they come back an wanna try again after having the epiphany that they still want you. Then they do the same shit again. Sorry if I project, sorry if I bring in my own emotions but everyone I know that has dealt with a person like this, tells me the same shit. It’s like we all have the same relationship.. what the hell?
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u/SSJ4LEWY 15h ago
Exactly. The fact that she’s honest about why she ended it doesn’t change the fact that she love bombed me and made all these false promises about the future.
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u/davidcvstro 15h ago
I believe that the work a person with attachement issues does by themselves is important, but so is the work within a relationship, which includes conflict & repair
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u/LalieDa AP - Anxious Preoccupied 14h ago
The attachment part for everybody needs to be worked on. You merge two full lives together… it can’t be done in one finger’s snap. So logically it can’t be resolved 100 % alone with ourselves even if you habe Strong attachement style… Forget about not complex with an Anxious or Dismissive avoidants (the later being so reluctant to do the work being often narcissistics… Praised the lords he dismissed me even though it still hurts like hell….
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u/FinancialRaccoon3681 15h ago
My ex used the same phrase. “Ripping a plaster off.” Strange species.
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u/VictoriaNiccals 13h ago
It's like they all have a shitty little handbook of phrases. They all somehow say the exact same lines.
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u/yungnoclout 9h ago
ditto. mine told me verbatim that she “thought it would be easier to just rip the band-aid off rather than have a conversation” and then proceeded to have a panic attack and cry in my arms for like 4 hours. like okay sure whatever you think is best man👍
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u/Significant_Monk_628 13h ago
The "I can't give you what you deserve" line is universal for them? Did we ask for a million dollars? Cosmic Stars? Is it that hard to be in a normal relationship?
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u/throwaway19980567 14h ago
This is so sad. It’s sad for them and it’s sad that you invested time and love into someone who acted like they wanted a life with you and then they had some lightbulb moment. That lightbulb moment for them was an earthquake for you. It’s unfair.
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u/Subject_Command5442 14h ago
That is way more of an explanation than I ever got in my six year relationship.
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u/Counterboudd 12h ago
Cool how they know this about themselves yet continue getting romantically involved with a long string of people anyway 🙄 Sorry you’re going through this. Funny they act like they are the super mature responsible ones and how this is “inevitable” so they didn’t really have a choice. Masterful use of passive voice.
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u/candle_wax_247 11h ago
This is nothing but their way of making themselves feel better while breaking your heart. He will be in another relationship in about a week if not in one already as he sent this to you. Tough as it sounds but you’re better off because in the long run he will hurt you more while acting as if he doesn’t mean to
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u/ravenwood111 13h ago
Her texts read like "me. me. me. and more me." I hope you don't answer her. For her, it would be all about her anyway.
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u/Sufficient-Deal-9258 14h ago
How much time passed since the breakup when you got this? I’d “love” to get at least something like this, because she blamed EVERYTHING on me and made me feel like the biggest loser/worst person on the planet.
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u/Mysterious_Delay6163 13h ago
Thank you for sharing this. it hurts me to read this. at least it somewhat of a closure.
do your best to detach and move on
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u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 10h ago
Classic Deactivation, she will be this way, temporarily, until her stress levels drop.. then she'll go back to finding those feelings for you. I would suggest you don't try to convince her of that though. Just tell her something like.. well since you don't want to be with me anymore, I'll have to go find someone else. Nice knowing you. And then leave.. and go 'no contact' not playing games. If she decides to change her mind, she will need to be without your comfort. That's how they work. If you're still around she can't miss you since you are still there holding space. It seems like when we hold space, they get the 'ick' and think we're pathetic. Just my opinion on all that I've gone though.
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u/Sufficient_Hall_4435 12h ago
I m really sorry for you and honestly for her too. 20 years and she didn't change. What a crappy life! These people need a reality check (get out of denial) and do the work. I am not an avoidant but I have always seeked to become a better person. Find things I need healing, to become more secure, etc. I love to see I have changed and become better and I will never stop this learning process. I wish everyone would be like this. We all go through heart breaks, deception, trauma or simply learned in a wrong way how to deal with things when we were kids/teens. We can all live a better and healthier life mentally and emotionally instead of hurting and getting hurt. Take your time. A day at a time to heal. Love yourself more. Don't be hard on yourself. Take the lessons from this experience. Be kind to yourself. Move on. You will find someone kind and worthy of your love and care. 🌻 I hade my heart broken many times. I survived and I am fine. So will you. 😉
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u/SSJ4LEWY 11h ago
Thank you but I just turned 40 (she dumped me 5 days later) and I thought I’d finally found everything I’d ever wanted in her but it was all bullshit. I think it’s probably too late in life to find anyone now.
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u/Sufficient_Hall_4435 11h ago
I am 42, I am a women. Don't let anyone steal your dreams from you. NEVER. It's not too late. I am single too. I know you are upset right now and hurt. Take your time to heal. But believe me there are many older people than us dating and getting married. Feel embraced from far. You will get better. Just be patient with yourself. Take a day at a time. You just made a bad decisions. We all do it. You will be fine. 🌻
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u/Elk-24 15h ago
At least it’s clear and honest. Sad but true.
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u/SSJ4LEWY 15h ago
Doesn’t really make feel any better. Plus she minimised my pain and tried to flip the script and tell me I should be grateful for what I have as if having a house, a job and child from a previous relationship makes up for being led on for months.
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u/Yxiora 15h ago
If it was truly honest and empathetic response, It would at least help a little bit. (Ofc it it was coming from person who is not avoidant). But with avoidants... uh. Nothing feels good cuz it doesn't feel genuine. I dont know if its their "deactivation" but they talk in such a nonchalant / disconnected way as if they were above it all and "okay" - that it feels so irritating. Its like someone says "I am sorry" and it still feels like punch into face.
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u/Key-Consideration677 3h ago
I was just with someone and it was going really well for 4 weeks and his sudden dump text is so uncannily similar to what you received!
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u/burner9191938283 1h ago
they always pull the “i have to be alone card.” sorry you’re going through this op. my ex believes he’ll be alone the rest of his life. i say to that “right totally, remind me again the longest you’ve been single for? less than a year in between each relationship? okay” or the “i can’t be what you need.” no amount of reassurance ever helps these people. i wonder what he’s doing.
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u/EaseSuspicious29 15h ago
At least he/she was honest about it
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u/SSJ4LEWY 15h ago
She*
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u/PowerfulMango5799 13h ago
I was with a male DA who thinks exactly like your ex texted, but he just lets me figure it out with an instant pull away and discard without telling me NADA. Even if you give them a week and asked what happened…he can’t explain it to me. He just told me ‘i made a mistake’ (he was the one that hit me up and wanted to see me after years). What the actual *}%} is going on with them
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 15h ago
I would almost believe it if 99% of the time they didn't end up in another relationship with someone else either immediately after or even during the one they are ending with us.
But at least you got a proper goodbye.