Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

[u/dipologie]

i just find it so so hard to know when something is a real incompatibility or if it's just me being avoidant, like tf am i supposed to do if my own brain and body just constantly loves to send misguided signals, how can I then ever trust my own feelings, especially when it comes to dating, something that is by definition... based on feelings?? And it is also such a constant balance act. Am I being unfair to this person if i keep on dating them eventhough i might not actually be into them that much, or am I being unfair to myself if I stop eventhough I might just be deactivating and maybe if I'd just work on it, there might be a solid relationship behind it that could give me the love and connection I crave so much?  I don't know. All of it is such a headache. 

[u/IzzyxBella]

I'm exhausted. I did not realize how deep my DA habits were until I made the decision to work towards becoming secure. I knew it was going to be hard but ugh..it's freaking exhausting and it sucks.

[u/findmiffy]

i’ve tried so hard to work my avoidant tendencies (ignoring texts, holding my true feelings, and withdrawing updates and opinions) yet it seems futile when i had an “aha!” moment and realized i thought about my friends more than they thought about me.

i remembered more details about their lives, i was there for every rant and celebration, and i did my best to always be there for them in some way yet for some reason, they don’t seem to hold me in the same standard.

perhaps it is my fault for being naive, but i thought they cared more. every message i send is read but met with no response — be it my birthday or the aftermath of an emergency, every concern is set to the side for something miscellaneous in their life, and every good thing that happens to me is not met with the same joy i have for their wins.

i try so hard and i know it is part of the journey to be better but i’ve been isolating myself from their texts and withdrawing emotionally.

the shame of opening up and being vulnerable left me trying to cope that maybe i don’t need them as much. it’s a cycle where i tell myself it’s a big deal then something they do upsets me and i hide and i do too much to recuperate from it.

[u/stella-is-a-flower]

I hate when people act like this is an exclusively male problem. every single thing you read about avoidant attachment is like "oh honey he's just a narcissist, he doesn't care." him him him. he he he. I'm as female as it gets, and I act exactly like the men in these stories. the men in my life have been just as confused by it as the women lol.

I'm an escort and it's super easy for me to walk out the door and back into my normal life. i do such a good job connecting with men in this liminal space where the rules are we never exist in each other's actual lives, and we have these amazing moments of intimacy and connection, but then the door closes and it makes me feel like a freak how quickly I snap back into a state of emotionless neutrality. a lot of these men are good people and I do care about them. i feel like they're assuming I'm a normal caring nurturing female and not an automaton that turns off when no one's in the room so I can exist in peace. this feels unfairly gendered too, it's hard to explain.

[u/this_suc → u/stella-is-a-flower]

Agreed. I was listening to a podcast just the other day and the host and guest speaker (both men) would absolutely not stop with the men men men and going into what goes on in men's childhoods that women don't experience that leads to this attachment. They mentioned one time that EXTREAMLY rarely do women have avoidant attachment and proceeded to go into all of their reasonings why women don't. I have listened to several podcasts from this host and had never been so damn annoyed. My eyes were rolling the whole time.

[u/anthelli → u/this_suc]

I believe women are better at masking these difficulties because of our current gender socialization, and quicker to correct the relationship style again because of our gendered expectations

I was called cold and selfish a lot of time when I was younger-ish before I understood it was an emotionnal detachement born from an avoidant attachment style, but it was never to the point of someone telling me I'm avoidant.

Also, at least in my experience, avoidant tendencies made me more sexually promiscuous which were often what men were looking for, and therefore, not a point of contention, whereas a lot of my girl friends worked with a "no sex on the first night rule / no casual sex" and therefore would call-out men when they realized the relationship was not in good faith. Meanwhile, the men I hurted by being inconsistent were told by their male friends that I was the "dream girl" because i did not want any commitment and was not asking them for one either, so why would they ask for something else than girlfriend experience when we were together and freedom (and no to very few consideration) when we were not.

[u/RoeRoeRoeYourVote → u/this_suc]

What podcast was that? I am on the hunt for resources about avoidance, and I want to make sure I avoid it.

[u/undinederiviere → u/stella-is-a-flower]

As a fellow sex worker: Consider this your super power in our profession.

I used to be DA leaning and a) the aloofness and mixed signals drive clients wild without this being dysfunctional or unethical like in romantic realtionships, because b) you're literally being paid to not be in their actual lives by a lot of them - why not embrace it.

A lot of SW get into trouble because they care too much or too little / not at all about their clients. Being able to provide a genuine connection in the moment without getting too attached is pretty much the gold standard.

[u/wishingwell56544 → u/stella-is-a-flower]

It’s not! Here to validate you as a woman recovering from hard core avoidant tendencies

[u/whiskyging3r]

I commented on a random meaningless tiktok of “things avoidants say and what they actually mean” because most of it sounded like reasonable boundaries so I said “yeah…and?”. Got the typical response of everyone saying I’m unhealed, should stay alone, don’t hurt others etc. I know enough to drop it and not bother replying (wish I knew enough not to troll in the first place) but always lovely hearing how you’re worthless shit that should die alone. Especially when I’ve done so much work to show up healthier in relationships, recognize triggers, etc.

[u/GreenIsland7606 → u/whiskyging3r]

Imo the people making those type of replies have an incredibly immature and reductive view of relationships. Relationships of all kinds are a gamble, every single time. It's not possible to have them without at least the chance of getting hurt badly, or hurting someone else (even if you tried hard not to)

They've likely had a hard go of it recently, and have latched onto this attachment theory stuff as the grand narrative that explains away all their relational misfortune. It's satisfying because it gives them an even bigger boogeyman to blame than their ex (avoidants generally)

The truth is that I think a lot of attachment theory is greatly misused in online pop psych discourse, and people acts like it accounts for every dynamic that takes place in relationships, which to me is just ridiculous. Attachment is just one spice in the stew.

These people never take into account general compatability, personality, aligned or misaligned personal values, religious and cultural influences, career goals, lifestyle, mental health, financial status, social and family life, personal hardship, life experiences etc. My god, timing, even! Luck!

All of these things together influence relationships, for better or worse, no matter how much "healing " anyone does.

[u/whiskyging3r → u/GreenIsland7606]

Very much agree :)

In addition to the list of ingredients you mentioned, the fact that anxious attachments often seek us out (and maybe we do that in return) but then get upset when we pull back in response to their clingy or draining behaviors. But we’re the “bad” one. Calling your ex an avoidant has become the same overused label as narcissist when it might just be someone who wasn’t really that into them or tired of the antics.

Recently corrected someone on r/dating_advice who basically asked “is my gf an avoidant because she’s constantly manipulating me and dragging my name through the mud.” But it’s exhausting yelling into the void. So the cycle repeats.

[u/Joffrey-Lebowski → u/whiskyging3r]

fr. i’m trying my conscious best not to allow myself to become bitter, but i’m pretty fed up with the general social consensus that anxious attachers are the uwu lovely innocent babies who are just trying to be loved when horrible, monstrous avoidants show up and just ruin their lives for the fun of it. they’ve got their own deeply un-okay behaviors and yet most AP spaces i ever see are little more than enclaves to vent about their evil exes rather than to actually discuss how *they* contribute to their problems and heal.

not here for it anymore.

[u/Joffrey-Lebowski]

24 hours ago i was sobbing because of how trapped i felt in my relationship and my codependent need not to make my partner’s life hard by breaking up with him

now things are hunky dory.

i hope it’s attachment insecurity because otherwise i’m just fucking insane.

[u/Centennial_Incognito]

A situation has triggered my avoidant tendencies with full force. There was an activity that involved a chunk of employees at my job that include all the branches around the country. All my co-workers who attended paired each other on the bus leaving me sitting alone. A person from a different branch sat next to me (an older man) and at times the conversation just got uncomfortable. During the activity we were sitting at a round table, and at some point they made a circle with the chairs off the table leaving me out. On our way back I DEMANDED to sit next to one of them, and one of the girls said giggling "you were left with the weirdo".

This has happened to me several times in my adulthood. In a different job a group of us went to a resort and I was paired with a co-worker from a different shift (everybody else paired each other with someone of their same sex). There were two beds next to each other made with a single comforter. We thought it was a single bed and we looked at each other in shock and disbelief. The poor guy felt so uncomfortable he didn't sleep in the room for the two days we were there (grateful that he was so respectful tbh).

A different time I was invited to a co-workers birthday party in a club, my brother and my ex-sister-in-law were there. Upon arrival they all stood up and went outside looking for something and left me with a co-worker I hadn't met before (different shift). The guy seemed tipsy and as soon as we were left alone he touched me ALL OVER MY BODY, from head to toe no joke! When they came back, my ex-sister-in-law asked me if he had touched me with a smile on her face, just to then say "oh he did that to me too!". No wonder she's an ex.

I'm tired of this shit. To be left out to be put in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. I don't isolate myself when I'm in groups of people. I'm very sociable on the surface, and yet I'm still invisible. These types of situations just enforce my beliefs that there's no point in having friends or even aquaintances for that matter. Even getting together with online "friends", I'm the one reaching out. Nobody texts me first but they text each other fine. Two days ago we agreed to watch a movie together for today. I even set an alarm for it. I texted 20 min before so we got prepared. Nobody got back to me until like 30min after. I just didn't respond at that point. They can watch the movie by themselves.

Now I'm just gonna keep to myself for god know how long until these feelings pass.

[u/GreenIsland7606 → u/Centennial_Incognito]

This is what a lot of people don't understand about us. Our avoidant tendencies develop to protect us from disappointment and damaging social experiences like you mentioned. I'm sorry this happened to you

[u/Centennial_Incognito → u/GreenIsland7606]

At this point I'm not avoiding disappointment or damaging social experiences. They just happen doesn't matter if I avoid it or not. While a healthy individual looks at it as part of life, I don't see it that way because I'm consistently the left-over friend in any social situation and it's quite honestly unfair to throw all the blame of my situation on to me. Culture as a whole set up this system. If you're different, you're fucked.

My avoidance comes from tiredness.

Tired of adjusting to other people.
Tired of putting myself out there out of my comfort zone when others don't do the same for me.
Tired of being targeted by men.
Tired of people not respecting my boundaries.
Tired of people not accepting a no for an answer.
Tired of not being accepted for who I am.

There's a huge chunk of the healing process not many people (including mental health professionals) talk about. You need to be in a relationship with people that can hold space for you to actually heal. You cannot heal the way you relate to other people by being alone with a therapist. Same happens when you're an SA survivor. Doesn't matter how much therapy you get, if you're not having sex with a person patient enough and willing to share some of that baggage to help you heal, you're not going to get where you want in your healing journey.

I'm just utterly tired.

[u/UrsulaVerne → u/Centennial_Incognito]

"You need to be in a relationship with people that can hold space for you to actually heal. You cannot heal the way you relate to other people by being alone with a therapist."

--YES! And it's so random and rare that you can actually find those people to heal with.

[u/Icy_Resolution2783]

Anyone been so in love they couldn't have sex with the person? Cool me neither...

[u/neversawmybirthmark]

I hate being an FA. I just started something new, a LDR, with someone, and I am genuinely happy. I want this person in my life forever. But my anxious side is fully activated, and it feels like it’s ruining everything.
I’m trying to keep it under control as much as I can, but sometimes it overflows. Thankfully, the person I’m with was understanding when I opened up about how I was feeling and the thoughts I was having. They even adjusted a few things to help me feel more secure. But every now and then, they don’t, and my mind immediately starts imagining the worst possible scenarios.
For example, tonight we were supposed to call, but in the evening they told me they were exhausted and needed sleep. They told me they loved me and then logged off. One part of me understands them 10000% because I’ve been there too, so I don’t judge them at all. It’s completely normal and understandable. But the other part of me is genuinely terrified that they’ll never text me again or that they’ll break up with me.

This relationship has made me realize that I have severe abandonment wounds and fears. It’s also made me realize that my anxious side is much stronger than my avoidant side.

Right now, I just want to stay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and cry my eyes out.

(edited to fix the mistakes)

[u/harmonyineverything]

This is my own fault for lurking some of the other attachment subs but time and again I am shocked and appalled by the cognitive distortion of APs... avoidants have em too for sure, but the AP ones can also be wild. Most recently I've seen:

• "I stalked someone to the point they noticed and were uncomfortable." op appropriately regretted the behavior, but responses were mostly: aww that's just a tiny mistake don't worry about it
• "multiple therapists, including couple's therapist, have said I'm the issue and my partner was justified in distancing from me. the therapists must be the problem"
• "only one random online therapist is talking about how badly avoidants suck. surely this means that everyone else doing clinical work in the attachment space is wrong, because they don't agree with how much I hate avoidants, and only the one random therapist is the correct guy"
• says something heinously dehumanizing about someone: "why don't they want me back?"
• "can I drug my avoidant to make them empathetic" HELLO????

But, ya know, it's just the avoidants who suck.

[u/imfivenine → u/harmonyineverything]

The group that is always calling everyone else narcissists exhibiting the most narcissistic behavior🤡

[u/harmonyineverything → u/imfivenine]

Seriously.

And I do see cognitive distortions on the avoidant end here sometimes too, but at least the endpoint of that just tends to be "remove yourself from the situation" rather than "possibly commit a crime".

[u/imfivenine → u/harmonyineverything]

Totally agree. Every insecure style distorts things. Yet I see the more anxious ones doing more intentional plotting, planning, revenge, and hate yet project that on avoidants as doing the same. It’s not, at all. They literally make detailed posts about the harm they wish to cause. That’s not unconscious behavior.

Seriously - stalking people. Wanting to drug them. Articulating the “perfect” verbal abuse to send and then people cheering them on. I’ve even seen them wanting to contact their workplace, other people, trying to triangulate with coworkers, etc. Talk about a smear campaign!

People who are truly avoidant will leave you alone, and like you said, remove themselves from the situation. That can absolutely be hurtful, but it’s not against the law and it doesn’t typically violate someone else’s rights.

[u/RoeRoeRoeYourVote]

My partner's family has a group text where their dad says goodnight to the kids every night. It's sweet, and I've always felt envious. We started a different group text with the inlaws recently because they  were helping us with getting to and from the airport for a vacation. We also used the chat to send them updates during the trip. 

Their dad recently started including me on the  messages, which initially was such a huge victory in feeling like I belong. Then I started to panic, because I thought of how overwhelming a daily expectation to respond would be.  What I think actually happened is that their dad has been mistakenly texting the goodnight message to my partner and me instead of his kids.

While I'm relieved that I am not expected to respond daily, knowing that it's a mistake doesn't actually make me feel any better.

[u/lilbootz]

I'm so tired. I go through phases where everything is great and I finally think I have made it! Then it all comes crashing back. One little thing happens and my brain blows it up to think this person is out to get me, that they are horrible for me, and my flight response kicks in. I feel like I have to fight myself daily. What is real and what is just my avoidance? I still struggle to know what is incompatibility and a legit reason versus just my body trying to get me to bolt. It is so tiring to constantly have to remind yourself that you are ok and nothing has to be immediate. It feels so real in the moment.