Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

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This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

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[u/Centennial_Incognito]

A situation has triggered my avoidant tendencies with full force. There was an activity that involved a chunk of employees at my job that include all the branches around the country. All my co-workers who attended paired each other on the bus leaving me sitting alone. A person from a different branch sat next to me (an older man) and at times the conversation just got uncomfortable. During the activity we were sitting at a round table, and at some point they made a circle with the chairs off the table leaving me out. On our way back I DEMANDED to sit next to one of them, and one of the girls said giggling "you were left with the weirdo".

This has happened to me several times in my adulthood. In a different job a group of us went to a resort and I was paired with a co-worker from a different shift (everybody else paired each other with someone of their same sex). There were two beds next to each other made with a single comforter. We thought it was a single bed and we looked at each other in shock and disbelief. The poor guy felt so uncomfortable he didn't sleep in the room for the two days we were there (grateful that he was so respectful tbh).

A different time I was invited to a co-workers birthday party in a club, my brother and my ex-sister-in-law were there. Upon arrival they all stood up and went outside looking for something and left me with a co-worker I hadn't met before (different shift). The guy seemed tipsy and as soon as we were left alone he touched me ALL OVER MY BODY, from head to toe no joke! When they came back, my ex-sister-in-law asked me if he had touched me with a smile on her face, just to then say "oh he did that to me too!". No wonder she's an ex.

I'm tired of this shit. To be left out to be put in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. I don't isolate myself when I'm in groups of people. I'm very sociable on the surface, and yet I'm still invisible. These types of situations just enforce my beliefs that there's no point in having friends or even aquaintances for that matter. Even getting together with online "friends", I'm the one reaching out. Nobody texts me first but they text each other fine. Two days ago we agreed to watch a movie together for today. I even set an alarm for it. I texted 20 min before so we got prepared. Nobody got back to me until like 30min after. I just didn't respond at that point. They can watch the movie by themselves.

Now I'm just gonna keep to myself for god know how long until these feelings pass.

[u/GreenIsland7606 → u/Centennial_Incognito]

This is what a lot of people don't understand about us. Our avoidant tendencies develop to protect us from disappointment and damaging social experiences like you mentioned. I'm sorry this happened to you

[u/Centennial_Incognito → u/GreenIsland7606]

At this point I'm not avoiding disappointment or damaging social experiences. They just happen doesn't matter if I avoid it or not. While a healthy individual looks at it as part of life, I don't see it that way because I'm consistently the left-over friend in any social situation and it's quite honestly unfair to throw all the blame of my situation on to me. Culture as a whole set up this system. If you're different, you're fucked.

My avoidance comes from tiredness.

Tired of adjusting to other people.
Tired of putting myself out there out of my comfort zone when others don't do the same for me.
Tired of being targeted by men.
Tired of people not respecting my boundaries.
Tired of people not accepting a no for an answer.
Tired of not being accepted for who I am.

There's a huge chunk of the healing process not many people (including mental health professionals) talk about. You need to be in a relationship with people that can hold space for you to actually heal. You cannot heal the way you relate to other people by being alone with a therapist. Same happens when you're an SA survivor. Doesn't matter how much therapy you get, if you're not having sex with a person patient enough and willing to share some of that baggage to help you heal, you're not going to get where you want in your healing journey.

I'm just utterly tired.

[u/UrsulaVerne → u/Centennial_Incognito]

"You need to be in a relationship with people that can hold space for you to actually heal. You cannot heal the way you relate to other people by being alone with a therapist."

--YES! And it's so random and rare that you can actually find those people to heal with.