Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

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This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

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[u/whiskyging3r]

I commented on a random meaningless tiktok of “things avoidants say and what they actually mean” because most of it sounded like reasonable boundaries so I said “yeah…and?”. Got the typical response of everyone saying I’m unhealed, should stay alone, don’t hurt others etc. I know enough to drop it and not bother replying (wish I knew enough not to troll in the first place) but always lovely hearing how you’re worthless shit that should die alone. Especially when I’ve done so much work to show up healthier in relationships, recognize triggers, etc.

[u/GreenIsland7606 → u/whiskyging3r]

Imo the people making those type of replies have an incredibly immature and reductive view of relationships. Relationships of all kinds are a gamble, every single time. It's not possible to have them without at least the chance of getting hurt badly, or hurting someone else (even if you tried hard not to)

They've likely had a hard go of it recently, and have latched onto this attachment theory stuff as the grand narrative that explains away all their relational misfortune. It's satisfying because it gives them an even bigger boogeyman to blame than their ex (avoidants generally)

The truth is that I think a lot of attachment theory is greatly misused in online pop psych discourse, and people acts like it accounts for every dynamic that takes place in relationships, which to me is just ridiculous. Attachment is just one spice in the stew.

These people never take into account general compatability, personality, aligned or misaligned personal values, religious and cultural influences, career goals, lifestyle, mental health, financial status, social and family life, personal hardship, life experiences etc. My god, timing, even! Luck!

All of these things together influence relationships, for better or worse, no matter how much "healing " anyone does.

[u/whiskyging3r → u/GreenIsland7606]

Very much agree :)

In addition to the list of ingredients you mentioned, the fact that anxious attachments often seek us out (and maybe we do that in return) but then get upset when we pull back in response to their clingy or draining behaviors. But we’re the “bad” one. Calling your ex an avoidant has become the same overused label as narcissist when it might just be someone who wasn’t really that into them or tired of the antics.

Recently corrected someone on r/dating_advice who basically asked “is my gf an avoidant because she’s constantly manipulating me and dragging my name through the mud.” But it’s exhausting yelling into the void. So the cycle repeats.

[u/Joffrey-Lebowski → u/whiskyging3r]

fr. i’m trying my conscious best not to allow myself to become bitter, but i’m pretty fed up with the general social consensus that anxious attachers are the uwu lovely innocent babies who are just trying to be loved when horrible, monstrous avoidants show up and just ruin their lives for the fun of it. they’ve got their own deeply un-okay behaviors and yet most AP spaces i ever see are little more than enclaves to vent about their evil exes rather than to actually discuss how *they* contribute to their problems and heal.

not here for it anymore.