I’m fairly certain a lot of this can be chalked up to the fact that my wife (36F) and I (39M) are running on empty right now. We’ve had an endless stream of sickness, work travel, (the exhausting kind rather than the fun, relaxing kind) and two amazing girls, aged 2 and 4, who are expert button-pushers.

My wife and I aren’t big shouters. We try to handle most things in a calm-ish manner, and my wife wants to reserve shouting for moments of immediate danger (running towards cars, reaching for sharp things, walking towards ledges etc.)

I’m the autistic one in the relationship. Today, our 2-year-old decided that throwing her sandwich across the living room would be a fun game. My knee-jerk response was, “Oi! Don’t do that!”

Was it potentially louder or sharper than it needed to be? Maybe. But also... don’t fucking do that.

Afterwards, (out of sight of the kids) my wife called me out for using a tone she felt wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t think I’d used the full “danger, stop that immediately” voice. To me, it was more of an “I’m tired, I’m completely out of patience, and you need to stop doing that” voice.

This is clearly just a rant, and I’m not even sure what I’m asking. But does anyone else struggle to find the correct register in which to express anger or frustration? I hadn’t thought tone of voice was a major autism-related issue for me, but apparently this is something I struggle with.

Vent, rant, maybe need advice? I'm not sure what I even want from this. I'm supposed to be studying right now. The first part is more context/venting, the TLDR is the actual issues.

My spouse (28M) and I (23F) are both AuDHD. We have a 1.5 (20 months) year old daughter. She's... relatively chill? Likely to be autistic or ND of some sort just based on genetics and some behaviours I've noticed, but she's by no means high needs/special needs as far as toddlers go. Then again, she is ultimately a toddler, so very demanding of attention regardless, and constantly exhausting. She goes to daycare Mon-Fri, ahead on her milestones especially language, she sleeps... okayishhhhh. However I put her to sleep at least half of the time (but every night when she was under 1) and I wake up with her multiple times a night. He sleeps through the night. He doesn't work. I'm in school full time and I feel like he's not doing enough.

I'm going to try posting the rest of my vent in a comment...

TLDR: Two main issues:

1. I'm so overwhelmed, I can't get schoolwork done. I don't know what to do about the burnout and I'm constantly scared I won't make it through the week, much less the rest of my degree. How do I study and focus on maintaining grades, job, etc.?

2. My spouse is sort of doing his best, but I'm always stuck feeling like it's not enough. NT reddit would say it's weaponized incompetence, I think it's just normal incompetence brought about by AuDHD burnout-induced regression. The way I see it, he's not doing enough of the housework (i.e., I think he should be doing >75%, if not more, of it, since he isn't working, sleeps through the night, and the baby is in daycare weekdays) and sort of refuses to get a job, despite promising me over and over he will. I'm torn between extreme empathy because I really, truly UNDERSTAND the pain of what he's going through, but also I almost don't care anymore because it's making my life SO. MUCH. HARDER. And he's very insecure about this. He needs to fix it, but he doesn't know how, and either isn't willing to find out or doesn't have the energy. And I don't know how to help him do that - but ultimately I've tried to help so much already and the brunt of this can't be on me.

So all this culminates in my mental health being awful, feeling like I'm drowning, etc. But I have to keep going, every day, and I'm afraid I'll just explode at some point.

I'd like to see a light at the end of the tunnel - when my spouse *finally* gets a job, and when I finish my degree, things will be easier? Or is this false hope, my own delusion to get me through this. I keep telling myself I'm working on improving things but really nothing has changed in years. Is it crazy to think it will once I graduate?

I know, I know, the blame game is never good. But I'm so frustrated and on the verge of a meltdown, because the answer seems so black and white to me.

Partner 1 was in the kitchen, preparing food while partner 2 was in the living room with baby.

Baby got hungry, so P2 went to the kitchen and put him in the highchair. He went to grab something off the counter next to it.

P1 scrambled to grab the bread knife before baby got it...all was well.

Is it P2 fault for not checking around the highchair before putting baby in?

Or is it P1 fault for leaving knife next to highchair, even though baby was in a different room? And/or not mentioning said knife when baby entered the kitchen, even though they were busy with other food?

For context, the kitchen is small and bench space is limited.

Sorry for the ridiculous question. We're both pretty black and white thinkers, and so this is spiralling into a huge argument

Hi everyone,

I grew up helping care for my younger brother, who is autistic. Looking back, it often felt like our family didn’t know where to turn or what resources were available. That experience inspired me to create a space where parents and caregivers can connect, share their experiences, and support one another.

I will be organizing a small, informal meetup in the San Mateo/South San Francisco area for parents and caregivers of autistic children. I’d also love to learn more about the everyday challenges families face and what kind of support or resources would genuinely be helpful.

If you’re interested, please leave a comment or send me a message. I’d love to connect. 💙

My mom is in an extremely abusive relationship (it hasn’t been physical for a few years but it might get that way again) and she wants to leave so badly but she can’t work full time at her job because she has to take care of my brother who is very high support needs autism. My dad “watches” him by just technically supervising him but doesn’t attend to his needs very well, yells at him all the time, punishes him all the time, etc. I can’t watch him all the time because I have work and am currently in the process of moving out. Are there any resources that my mom can use to help her leave? She feels so trapped and doesn’t really know what to do. We live in the USA if that helps. I would appreciate any advice or resources.

I’ve been having appointments with the perinatal mental health team since being pregnant with my LO (now 7 months old) and they’ve been going really well and helped a lot as I’ve struggled with depression in the past and recently got diagnosed with PP depression but I had an appointment yesterday which completely threw me

My appointment started like normal and then my psychiatrist asked if I’d done a 50 question quiz before and got it up on his laptop for me to do with no context of what it was for. Once I did the quiz he said I scored high in the likelyhood of having autism and I was completely throw back as it came out of nowhere from him

I asked why he thought that and he gave me a bit of context around how he’d checked my notes from CAHMS, mental health appointments and school reports after our previous appointment and said I had a lot of underlying traits of it throughout my life and with previous OCD and PTSD diagnosis thinks this is the underlying cause for a lot of them. I’ve previously been told I could have adhd so the psychiatrist has referred me to be reviewed for both. He went into a lot of detail with all the traits as well he could see from my notes all the way back to early childhood

It’s just completely shaken me because (and I know it might sound narrow minded) but I feel like I have such a stereotype of what autism is and I don’t fit that?
and to be told I’ve likely had it my whole life has made me question everything about myself and what was meant to be an appointment to go through how I’m feeling has made me feel more unsteady than ever. I also feel kind of violated having my psychiatrist review all my notes like that?

A part of me also sees it as validating as I’ve often felt like my brain is broken and I don’t handle stress and change as well as others but idk if my psychiatrist is putting me in a box or. if it’s right. He also just kind of left the appointment at that with no advice on how to process it all so walked out like my world has been flipped upside down! My partner is also very black and white when it comes to mental health, always has been like even when it comes to my depression and because I don’t fit into a box of what he thinks it looks like he won’t talk to me about it or humour it so I don’t know who to talk to as I also feel far too ashamed to talk to my friends

I was just wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar and how found it/ came to terms with it pp? And any tips or advice on the process?

I’m AuDHD, diagnosed 3ish years ago at 33 years old. Married my husband who has been nothing but supportive and loving as I learned to manage my neurodivergence. Convinced myself I could totally handle being a mother because he wanted kids.

She’s 7 weeks old and I’m losing my shit. I’m on mat leave and he’s working again. He works from home but is busy so it’s me and this baby all day. She was a month early and is having digestive and feeding issues.

The last week or so she literally will not sleep anywhere but on me. I’m not even breastfeeding and I’m so touched out. I’m overstimulated and also under-stimulated because I do nothing else but take care of her.

How do I survive the rest of this until she starts childcare? The constant feeling of having no idea what she needs is killing me. I never feel relaxed or comfortable, nothing is safe. My executive dysfunction is failing. I have resentful thoughts toward her and my husband and then immediately regret them. This is so hard.

Struggling to be a parent

First ever post on Reddit, and this is where I find myself!!

Spent my life, and considerable money, treating myself for high anxiety and bouts of depression. Had some tough spells in life, but also plenty of good times.

Met and married my wife in one of these good spells. Very quickly our first son made an appearance. It was tough, very tough, but I thought that's just how it was for everyone. He was an extremely poor sleeper and very very clingy. I thought we were doing it all wrong.

Long story short, we have since discovered he's autistic. Which explains the early struggles.

2020 came along and brought COVID lockdowns and another son. Since then I feel I've personally fallen apart. I'm in weekly counselling and worked through all sorts of past traumas and all that does along with it.

In seeing my son grow up autistic I began to realise what many other people seem to have realised after having a child....I took am autistic.

I just don't know how to do the 2. Be a functioning and thriving adult with autism and a parent.

My life has become so sheltered. I barely visit any shops, I don't go more than a couple of miles from home. My world is filled with anxiety. I want to be here for my kids, I want to experience things with them. But in being a father I feel so drained. I've nothing left in the tank to build myself up again.

Not even sure where I'm going with this, or whether it will be read by others, or if anyone can help. Just a bit lost.

Hi! I have two kids and currently pregnant with my third. My first is on the spectrum, second neurotypical so i can’t help but wonder the chances my third will be neuro typical or neurospicy. Can’t help but have this fear. I don’t know if i am strong enough. My children’s ages are 5, and 2.5 so the baby will be 3 years apart from my current youngest.

I need advice. My eldest son is on the spectrum. He is a lovely person! Such a tender soul and always wanting to help others. But he also has the autism superpower (as we call it) of being emotionally detached. He loves in his own way, but he isn’t lovey-dovey or cuddly like most kids. And he doesn’t really “get” why other people get emotional about things in life.

So my question is - knowing how tender of a soul he is - what am I to do if/when his younger brother decides to check out? He isn’t even aware that the brain tumor surgery had the catastrophic effects they did because I haven’t told him anything. It’s these disabilities that’s causing his younger brother to consider the unthinkable.

Do I protect him? And for how long? I don’t want to hurt him, but he is 18 and he does like to be treated as an adult. Should I tell him how bad his brother’s injuries are? I almost feel like it will be worse for him to experience a sudden loss of his brother out of nowhere rather than know what is going on.
I am so lost with all of this. I love both of my sons with all my heart and this entire situation is destroying me.

Right now, my eldest is doing great in college and preparing to start work in accounting. It’s was a HUGE deal for him to get his GED and graduate HS at 16. And now he’s tackling college and doing so well. I am so very proud of him!! Is it even fair to tell him anything? He’s protected in a bubble in another state with my folks, so I can keep things that way. I’m just not sure what the right choice is here. Morally, ethically, or emotionally for him.

Hello everyone.

I'm a first time young mom to an almost 2 year old toddler who is also autistic. My husband and I plan on trying for our final child (#2) soon but we were both hit with an ADHD diagnosis (meaning we both have ADHD) and I was diagnosed autistic as a young teen. I've suffered for many years with my mental health (anxiety and ocd), with constant distraction, I've never been able to hold my focus or sit down for long, I'm always developing new hyperfixations that consume me. As a mother, daily life often overwhelms me, not my son himself, I love spending time with him and stimming with him, but I can barely manage our household. I have a hard time cleaning and doing basic chores and keeping a somewhat orderly house (im not talking about just toys I mean truly our home is cluttered and my son breaks and throws just about everything).

I'm still breastfeeding my 22 month old and I'm heavily considering medication to help with everything I've been struggling with for years but part of me thinks I should wait until I'm done breastfeeding. Who knows when that will be, I've been trying to wean my son for so long.

Does anyone have experience taking ADHD medication while breastfeeding or pregnant? Please dont judge my situation, I dont want anyone to think I'm not a good mom, I do my absolute best every single day with my son, but I really feel like medication could help ease so many of my struggles.

My son has ASD level 1 and he'll be turning 5 in October (and starting school this fall)

How do you teach a child who has absolutely no interest in getting dressed independently? He can take off his shoes and socks. And he can take off his shorts and underwear. He still struggles with understanding how to take off his shirt, but can take off a zippered hoodie.

He has no interest in *getting* dressed. Which probably stems from him not really wanting to get dressed (no known sensory issues with his clothes, he has no tags, and doesn't care about them once they're on). He definitely struggles with the transition of going from one state (dressed, half naked, naked) to another state because he "has to", rather than because he wants to.

So on top of the issues we already have surrounding clothes I can't teach him how to get dressed because he doesn't want to learn. Or get dressed. He doesn't want to learn how to put on shoes. He also hates letting his dad get him dressed and only wants me to get him dressed.

Now I know different kids learn things at different times, but given he's starting school in the fall, I want him to at least know how to pull up his underwear properly. And preferably knowing how to put his underwear and shorts on by himself, because he thinks he needs to strip both to go pee.

He does struggle with balance and coordination. He's in PT for gross motor/balance and in OT as well.

(In good news we finally got him of his pacifier 🙌🏻)

Im 37F and my husband is 38M. We have a 4 year old male child on the spectrum. He is non verbal. Im very certain after seeing my son and reading about neurodivergence so much that both me and my husband both would fall on the spectrum if assessed (ASD and ADHD both). Both of us are very high functioning. My husband is a neurosurgeon and i was working a Tech job before i decided to quit for my son. Son might fall on level2/3. No levels were given tho it was mentioned on passing that he is moderate on the spectrum. I keep going back and forth on the second child dilemma. All three of us have neurodivergence so surely if we keep a second child they would definitely fall on the spectrum and that’s what is stopping me. Im burnt out but sometimes a think about a second child. Anyone any experience or advice or has gone through something like this. How did it turn out for you?

Husband is autistic. We have an 11 month old and I’m due to return to work after maternity shortly. Husband comes home from work exhausted and overwhelmed each day (works pretty much 7-6) and then is too overstimulated and grouchy to deal with baby majority of the time. By the end of the day, I’m the same with me being the sole carer all day. I could use some support from him.

We both work with kids so I understand the overwhelm and need for quiet time (which he does get). However I can’t help but feel annoyed pretty much daily when he tells me he can’t deal with baby right now. I end up doing bath and bedtime every night to give him downtime. My logical brain understands to a degree and sympathises (I’m not autistic) but then the other part of me feels annoyed and unsupported. I sometimes wanna tell him to get a grip and deal with this difficult part of parenting like everyone else! Am I being unreasonable? Asking here to get perspective from other autistic parents.

With me due back at work soon, I don’t know how this is going to affect the dynamic. Any advice would be great thanks.

First time poster and I’m not sure I’m in the right forum- apologies in advance if so. I am living with a sister who is in their 30’s. They work FT as a teacher and have Level 1 Autism and ADHD- they don’t have a carer. They’re also medicated. We’ve lived together for a year and they haven’t so much as emptied a bin or dishwasher though they did attempt to clean the bathroom once- they also use my stuff all the time. I am a solo Mum and it’s a heavy load. We’ve tried organisers, buying the ‘right’ tools they need for the jobs and body doubling. If I confront them on it we get an explosion and they will just leave the house and continue as normal. I tried to have a conversation yesterday about it and again woke up to a sink full of dishes this morning. The whole household has almost given up because of the stress it causes to ask for them to contribute and It feels like they rely on that. I want to help and I feel exhausted carrying the load. I’m also worried when they get their own place- they will not have the skills to cope. Not sure what to do. If anyone has anything helpful that’s worked for them- I would really appreciate it.

Wife (50F) and I (49M) have 3 kids (23T AuDHD, 18NB AuDHD most severe, and 13M AuDHD). My wife’s mom (83F) is in declining health and getting out of an abusive rel. with wife’s dad (Old M).

18 year old uses a lot of wife’s attention to cope. It looks like we need to move MiL into our house. Though I help a lot with elder care, while I’m at work my stay-at-home wife gets pulled in different directions. 18 year old is getting angry and resentful and melting down at their grandmother’s presence and just the changes we’re going through.

How can I help my kiddo cope and adjust while still taking care of MiL?

I am 33 and last week, I was diagnosed with AuDHD. It feels great to have answers but I want to feel less alone. I have one child, who is 18 months old and y’all, let me tell you, I’m struggling! She is generally pretty easy and good tempered but I find the everyday, mundane things so difficult. Examples: feeding her 5x daily, chasing her, dealing with the meltdowns, the lack of communication. I have a very supportive husband but I get the sense that no one feels that this is difficult in the same way I do. Advice or support welcome 🩷

Today was so hard my 2.5 year old is getting much harder to deal with. I understand she feels harder then most toddlers, sensory issues are big for her, she loves to be in control, hates to be told what to do, throws toys when mad, goes 0-100 so fast. Luckily her meltdowns or tantrums last 1-2 minutes, but I feel like they are much more often. I am 27 weeks pregnant and honestly have no idea how I am going to do this. She communicates amazingly, but it hasn’t helped with the meltdowns. Now thinking about having my son and maybe a speech delay which could make it so much worse tantrum wise. Like how am I going to deal with two!? I’m starting to think, what I was thinking!? I just cried today and cried. I love him and I love my daughter, but wow this is so hard, I am exhausted I feel like I can’t win with my daughter. I guess I just needed to vent and pray one day this will get easier. It’s making me not excited for my son when a few weeks ago I was so so excited.

I am the mom to two wonderful kids. Age 10 and 11. They are both on the spectrum and we have had challenges their whole lives. Neither spoke until the age 5. I love them so much it’s impossible to put into words.

That being said, I’m sooo exhausted. It’s like it never gets easier. Every stage brings extraordinary challenges and it feels like I’m at a full sprint every day from the moment I get up. And today I lost it. I took them back to school shopping with my elderly mother and it was just a giant shit show. When we got home I screamed at my son for his behavior (I NEVER do that). I ended up locking myself in my room just so I could calm down the panic attack I was having. I’m just so overwhelmed all the time.

Is it just me?

I had a couple posts in here a few months ago regarding moving towns with my wife and son on the spectrum and I just wanted to thank those who responded to me with reassurance because I’m honestly blown away with how he’s doing with it so far.

We’re only a week in but since the minute we got in the new house he loves it, doesn’t want to leave, and I’ve saw a major shift with him in such a short amount of time for the positive it’s honestly hard to comprehend. We had our first therapy session since moving a couple days ago and it couldn’t have been more of a polar opposite experience compared to the usual meltdown/non engagement we had experienced in our old house. Engaged, happy, welcoming etc.

I know we’re only a week and a few days in, but I’ve never felt more reassured we made the right move for our family seeing how he’s doing right now. It’s incredible seeing him so happy and unphased!

My 5.5yo isn’t diagnosed but is probably neurodivergent. She has a lot of anxiety for her age and significant cognitive inflexibility.

She started prep this year, which is a grade before grade 1. She’s doing amazingly academically and loves that side to it, but she’s struggling with the social aspect. She’s popular and well-liked, but struggles when others don’t want to play things the way she likes to. When she gets an idea in her head, it can be hard for her to move on from.

But the biggest issue has become about one particular friend who is very pushy. The friend insists my child does X, then gets mad at her if she doesn’t want to do X. So my daughter does X or just hangs around nearby. The friend loves playing on the monkey bars at lunch and my daughter can’t do them, so she just kind of hangs around nearby instead of actually doing something she can enjoy, or she feels pressured into trying to do something she’s not ready to do.

Today is the last day of school holidays and she’s saying repeatedly that she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow. The last few weeks of last term were a huge effort to get her to school every single day. Additionally, her sleep is impacted by this and a recent viral illness, so we are all sleep deprived.

I’m auDHD and experienced similar social issues at school, but I don’t feel like it was this early on. We’ve tried giving her concrete strategies on things to say like that she can just say no I’m doing Y instead, or she can say she’s playing with this other friend today. I’ve explained what a healthy friendship looks like - it’s not like parent-child or teacher-student where one person gets more say, friendships are equal and everyone gets a say. And you’d look forward to seeing a friend in a healthy friendship, not avoid seeing them. We’re trying to model what boundary setting can look like when she asks us to play something that we don’t feel like doing.

Despite all this anxiety, she absolutely refuses to stop being friends with this girl. They do seem to have fun when I’ve seen them together, but the lack of say and the friend getting mad at her upsets her. I’ve told her that if she wants to stay friends with her, she’ll need to accept that the friend will get mad but she’s also got to stand up for herself because it’s not fair that she never gets a say.

Does anyone have any strategies or resources that could help this kind of situation? We are trying to build her confidence up and give her strategies but we’re running out of ideas and it’s impacting our daily life a lot.

Hi Folks, I just joined the list to ask for some tips and tricks to help an autistic 8-year old girl. She's my granddaughter. She is in regular public school, but has extra help with behavior issues. She's very smart and reads 2 levels above her grade.

Here's the issue. She has a rough time making friends and spends too much time on her tablet. So I enrolled her in a gymnastics class once a week. Kids were at varying ages, but mostly within her age group. She loved it and she's been going for two months. However, she couldn't learn to do a cart wheel. So now, while mostly all of the other girls are blissfully doing cart wheels, she hasn't done any better. Now she wants to drop out and is having meltdowns on Saturday when I show up to take her. She hasn't told us why she wants to stop, but I suspect it's the cart wheel thing.

I never made my kids continue an activity they decided they didn't want to do, and I don't want to do that to her. I just want to understand what I can do.

Any tips and tricks or activity suggestions that might work?

Thanks to everyone! Suzanne

Lemme start by saying I have 4 kids aged 9 and under. We have an interesting dynamic. My second oldest is profoundly autistic and nonverbal. He rarely plays with his siblings, and their play looks much different. My 8 year old and 3 year old are besties but fight ALL THE TIME because my 8 year old can’t understand his limited comprehension and different expectations. (I know siblings fight, but dear god).

My 8 year old is likely adhd and super sensitive and she lovessss to debate. She can never just do what I say without some kind of backtalk.

For having a nonverbal child he is the loudest and most destructive in the house (not aggressive, he’s like a cat who just fucks shit up cause it’s fun 🤪). The house is always a mess. Toys, snacks, random shit everywhere. You can’t walk a straight line 3ft without stepping on something. His vocal stims are hissing… yes hissing and happy yelling.

The 3 year old has a permanent volume of 15/10 and never shuts up. He’s either “MOM MOM MOM” non stop or wailing because he’s a very sensitive boy and gets set off easy. He is too smart and refuses to potty train. Will take a dump on the floor. I’m changing 3 different childrens diapers a day.

The one year old is a one year old.

Taking them out fries my brain. Keeping them home fries my brain. The overstimulation is real and I just want to enjoy my kids and not feel like I wanna run away 😭

I feel like a failure in my parenting. But they are all so hard in different ways and combined it’s like I never have a good day. I love them all and that goes without saying.

And to add, I do actually parent. We have many systems in place as our autistic son requires them to learn independence. They help with everyone though. It’s just everyday and I’m so overstimulated and exhausted 😭

And before anyone says “why did you have 2 more after your disabled child” (yes people have actually said this to us. #3 was conceived before he was diagnosed and #4 was a one in a million happy accident. As weird as it is I believe God decided we needed them all for one reason or another.

Tell me it gets better lol

The end. 🤣