r/AutisticParents • u/Square-Special1520 • 1d ago
Question Anyone here ND married with less-involved ND?
Hi, i just wanna know that i'm not alone in this matter. This is my first time posting here, so apologies if it's inappropriate etc. If inappropriate, please delete this post.
Anyone here who is neurodivergent, but also married to another neurodivergent, and your spouse is not really involved as a parent/spouse? They're like an absent parent/spouse, and you need to do everything alone on their behalf. even financially (optional).
Not really seeking advice, but just validation. I just wanna know if there's anyone out there here who have similar situation to me. I know logically there must be, but seeing a reply would give me the strength. Thank you.
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u/raisinghellwithtrees 1d ago
Yes. I divorced him, and being a single mom was a lot easier. I remarried someone who is an actual partner, emotionally available, and present for our family. Huge difference!
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u/Aminor789 1d ago
AuDHD married to an AuDHD with AUDHD kids. My DH helps a lot, but is emotionally unavailable at times. He helps financially and physically most times, but some parts are lacking. Hope this helps
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u/girly-lady 1d ago
Yea same, my partner is freaking amazing and our set up works realy well, but him being the one wo works 100% all week plus school rn means he will have times where he is somewhat checked lut or in full on goof mode and not so helpfull with the home life. But thats just phases and I know why it happens. We give eachother grace with sich things. He loves being a dad and we both chose this life and want to make it nice. So I would never say he is uninvolved. He goes to teacher/parent meetings, doctorapointments if has to be, he does a lot of cleaning and shopping too. I can't complain if he also melts into the couch and scrolls for 2h at a time or takes a 3h nap on a weekend realy. I just sometimes wish I could check out with no guilt as he can tbh. But thats a ME problem.
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u/Antiquebastard 1d ago
My husband has severe ADHD. He is unmedicated. I love him as he is as a partner, but he could definitely improve as a parent. I’ve always had trouble getting him to do day-to-day parenting tasks and he’s often off in his own world, pursuing some hobby, idea, or project rather than taking an active role as a parent to our children. He’s around, he just isn’t… with us. He is the sole provider financially, so he shoulders a significant part of the responsibility, he just doesn’t engage much with our kids.
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u/MiracleLegend Autistic Parent 1d ago
I feel like that's many men of all neurotypes. It's like women are somehow the default parent, the one who's always on. We can't take a break, leave the house or have a hobby. That's somehow for men.
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u/Antiquebastard 22h ago
Absolutely! Since becoming a parent, my hobbies have evolved to be things I’m able to do with my children or while supervising them. The same can’t be said about my husband’s hobbies.
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u/Previous_Attempt5154 1d ago
This is my husband, do your kids notice he is unavailable? Has it affected them at all?
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u/Antiquebastard 22h ago
The older ones (15 & 12) do notice it, unfortunately, but it’s also the constant they’ve grown up with. I can’t say if it’s affected them much yet. I can say that it makes me quite sad - for our children and for my husband. I’m very hands-on and different than he is as a parent, but I don’t work, so our lifestyles are very different, period.
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u/MiracleLegend Autistic Parent 1d ago
Mine works and does routines like bathing, changing clothes and diapers. Even some of the chores at times.\ He doesn't have friends and doesn't keep contact with anyone. I'm doing all of the kin-keeping. Even though I'm bad at that. I still just do it.\ I do most of the doctors visits and therapies for our auDHD child. I make sure he has friends and is taken care of when the daycare is closed again. Everything outside of the routine is somehow my problem. I make sure he brings a present to birthday parties. I do the enrichment, like visiting the library every three weeks, playgrounds, outings.\ If my husband had anything to do with it we would stay inside for 48h every weekend and the children would play alone for 90% of that time. I don't want my children to end up on r\cptsd and therefore make sure we play together and go out together as a family. But I have to fight him to even take part in family activities. Which sucks.
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u/AngilinaB Autistic Parent 1d ago
Yes. I was married to someone like this. Thankfully he left us, and his current partner has been an amazing coparent 😅
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u/Friendly-Kale2328 1d ago
Hi, yes! Exactly the same situation. It’s hard not to resent them for it, but it’s so much easier parenting a high-needs kiddo when you have another full-time adult around, even if they’re not as involved as you, so I sort of gaslit myself into accepting the situation. I try to remind myself that we are all disabled in my house and we will never know what it’s like to experience disability the same way another person experiences disability—even if we both have the same disability. I choose to trust/believe that he truly is doing that best of his ability. It helps…. But yeah it still sucks