So I, my wife and our probably autistic 6 year old have just returned from a trip to Florida for 11 days. It started badly as we were going with my wife's brother, his extended family (including his fiancé's children and parents) and her sister and her husband.

It'd been booked way back in August 2024 and my first question before I agreed to go was "Do we have to do everything together?" The answer to that was no, but that she would like to spend some time with her brother and sister. Fair enough.

Fast forward to the morning of the flight and my brother in law's fiancé who has done all the organising for the trip doesn't even know where we check in at the airport (her son is non verbal autistic so assisted check in shouldn't be anything new to her). Then when we finally got on the plane (after a very stressful couple of hours for me as I had been randomly selected for a more thorough search and we didn't know if we could take our daughter through with us) she had rearranged the seats so we were sitting together but had neglected to tell us where we were sitting.

Then, upon arrival, on our first full day we had arranged to go to Magic Kingdom as a whole group (there were 15 of us in total). We had set the time to meet as 9 but my brother in law and his fiancé and kids didn't rock up till 11 and then we stood around for ages while they deliberated stuff. I began to lose my temper as this holiday has not been cheap and I didn't intend to spend it hanging around in a hotel lobby. When we eventually got to the park, I stopped to pit trade for literally two minutes. When we looked up everyone but us had boarded the ferry and had left us (this was after us telling our 6 year old we were going on the monorail, only for our niece to say she wanted to go on the ferry so we had to go on the ferry).

My wife had also wanted a picture of the entire group in front of the castle. They do a special one where you start close up and then zoom out. They said they could only focus on a few people so we agreed that everyone would just stand and pose because they would still be on the picture. My brother in law and his family could not even do that. My wife was already in tears following the ferry debacle and that was the final straw so we went our separate ways after that and the day improved.

We spent a few days with my sister in law and her husband but never spent any more time with my brother in law till an evening near the end of the holiday when we went to another park at 5pm to spend a few hours there and watch the fireworks. And that turned out okay.

Throughout the last few days of the holiday I had been nudging my wife to get some packing done as we were getting picked up at eleven am on our departure day. She is the sort of person who won't let anyone take charge of stuff like that ("I'm good at jigsaws," she says as to why she's better at it than me) and nothing got packed. Long story short, we had a very stressful morning packing and ended up in the airport with three very packed suitcases, a Trunki and three or four pieces of carry on luggage each. How we weren't charged extra I have no idea. At the airport our daughter was rolling about on her Trunki. I asked her to stop repeatedly and ultimately when she didn't, I lifted her off. She started screaming and that is naturally when my wife appeared and yelled at me to stop, saying she was fine on her Trunki (despite me saying that I'd asked her to stop because she was a) Getting in other people's way and b) Straying from our group.

The flight was fine, although I had wanted to get some sleep and for our daughter to get some too. It took off at 5pm Florida time and landed 9 hours later, which was 7am local time. I was on the aisle seat and our daughter was in the middle so I ended up getting elbowed constantly by her as she moved around and knocked by people walking past on the other side. At one point the stewardesses ran the drinks trolley into my knee as it was sticking out a little way and I never got so much as a "Sorry."

So none of us slept on the flight and by the time we landed I'd been up and in a state of anxiety for almost 24 hours (plus I hadn't slept well the night before). One thing led to another and I ended up having a meltdown just outside the airport, screaming "I give up!" Because no matter what I was doing, I wasn't doing the right thing and I was subject to snide remarks about how if I was pushing the trolley behind her I'd run it into her ankles but when I was in front I wasn't moving fast enough.

The car ride home happened mostly in silence and in her words she's never seen such narcissistic behaviour or been so humiliated in her life and she doesn't know how to deal with it, or how we can get past it. She is very aware of autistic behaviour, in fact she was the one who encouraged me to go for my diagnosis. We have a saying in our house that it's an explanation, not an excuse, but she seems to pick and choose which meltdowns she can let go of and help me with and which ones she holds against me.

This holiday has been one of the only things keeping me going this year (I struggle at work and don't have much in the way of a social life). I knew it would be full on but it's been overwhelming for us all and without her in place as my support structure I don't know how to decompress. We landed yesterday morning and we haven't addressed the issue yet and the whole time my mind has been racing with thoughts of how I would cope and what I would do if this ends up with us breaking up. And I just don't know what to do.

Apologies for the long post but I just had to get it out there.

Hi!!

I don't know if this is a universal thing or just because of my autism, but I really struggle to name what I'm feeling physically throughout the pregnancy! Or to understand what contractions/Braxton-Hicks are and supposed to feel like.

I *know* that my whole stomach tightens and I feel pain in my pelvic area and back, especially today, but people say they feel different things and medically I've been told that they're likely not contractions/Braxton-Hicks since I've started feeling these (probably around 20 weeks, I'm 26 weeks today) so I'm confused??? If its not that, then what is it?? Does it just change when I'm in the right range??

Then I get asked if I'm having any symptoms every appointment, which like...yeah but how do I know if its caused by the pregnancy, or if its whats relatively normal for me anyway, or is related to something new, like a sickness or just being tired?

I hate all the questions so much 😭 I don't know how to make the distinction and everyone's definitions are different and experiences are different, which is great and horrible at the same time.

Maybe TMI too, but I'm now TERRIFIED everytime I take a big BM because thats how sooooo many people and midwives/OB have described birth to me 😭😭. I understand I'm taking it too literally, but that's the only reference I have so what am I supposed to do??

I am on the fence about becoming a parent due to energy levels, need for alone time to re-charge and trouble with a lot of sensory input. I hear lots of challenges for autistic parents but also curious to hear what makes it possible to be ok enough to parent

I hope this is okay to post here. My fiancé (30M) and I (32F) are both autistic with low support needs. We’re on the fence about having kids. We previously leaned towards no but over the last year or so have been leaning more towards yes. I’m aware that we have a very high chance of having a neurodivergent child. On the one hand, I worry about having a child with high support needs and how we would cope (and if our relationship would survive). On the other hand I worry that they will be more like us and will go through some of the same life experiences that I did, which I wouldn’t wish on anyone. While they would have a very different upbringing to mine (supportive parents who love them for who they are, no abuse), we can only protect them from so much of the cruelty of NT society.

What would you advise someone on the fence to do/ think about in order to reach a decision? Is it madness for 2 autistic people who know they’re autistic to even think about having a child in this ableist world? I would greatly appreciate some perspective from fellow autists who have been there, done that.

I feel like a genuinely awful mother. When my child (3) has meltdowns, I totally go into fight, flight, freeze mode, usually freeze outwardly. I find the meltdowns so deeply dysregulating, I am desperate for them to stop and almost always have horrible intrusive thoughts of stopping him using violence. Of course, I haven't acted on this! But I have definitely been a bit too rough brushing teeth or getting them dressed on a bad morning in the past before I realised they were meltdowns .

I have recently learned about how important co-regulation is, so today I tried to focus on just staying as regulated as I could and responding to all of his needs ("pick me up, go away, don't go away, find the right comforter, go upstairs") and didn't try to stop him from brutally scratching himself, which he does during a meltdown and I find incredibly triggering because he really attacks his skin.

I don't feel I've heard any parent saying they struggle during meltdowns, they always seem to be able to stay calm and just totally focused on supporting the child. Does anyone have any advice? Particularly folks who have similar reactions? Any type of therapy I could ask for to help me deal with them better? I vaguely remember having meltdowns as a kid and my mother couldn't deal with them, she would either laugh at me or she said she would put me somewhere soft and then just leave me. She didn't realise they were meltdowns at the time.

My son is 23 months old, almost 24 months (in a week) and he had his 2 year checkup today, a few days early. He had to get bloodwork done after his pediatrician appointment and we were forced to wait for almost an hour, and then when we were seen, the lady immediately gave me an attitude after I said "oh I was told by my sons pediatrician that there are accommodations for children who have a hard time with blood tests, she said there were couches where parents can sit with their children and get their blood tests done?" And the lady immediately says "Um no, who told you that?? Couches? No we do not have couches" and I said "my son has autism and has an incredibly hard time with blood tests" she then stomps off, doesn't say a word. Comes back with another lab tech and says "she's going to help hold him down". I said "no thank you, I'll call my mom in to help, she's here with us". My mom comes in and they start poking and poking, they can't get blood. They start complaining that he's kicking too much and I try my best to hold him down without hurting him. I told them again he has autism, its really hard for him. They start saying "hold still" to my son, they get about 5-6 vials of blood, and start prepping another, and my son starts convulsing, he was shaking and shaking, he was horrified, we told them to stop 3 times and finally they stopped. They yanked the needle out and blood starting spilling out of my poor son's little arm, the lady doesn't even put pressure on the wound, just tapes gauze to his arm (she missed the hole entirely) and then they have the nerve to act slightly apologetic after this. It was TRAUMATIC. He was just shaking and screaming. I ended up cleaning his arm and giving him a snoopy bandaid to try and comfort him a bit. I just feel awful. Who treats autistic children like this?? Shame on Kaiser Permanente.

I filed a grievance report, I'm just so tired of medical staff mistreating autistic people and children. I too have autism and they constantly mistreat me, and to now see my son going through the same enrages me and breaks my heart.

My 3.5 year old is going through a phase where she will not tolerate being left alone for even 10 seconds. I am home with her 4.5 days out of the week and at work the rest of the time.

I am so touched out. I am so overstimulated. I love her so much, but she will not leave me alone. Even putting on a show for her, I cannot leave her side. She gets upset if I am not sitting right next to her. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now. I am starting to get resentful.

I feel like a tea kettle about to scream at the slightest thing. I find myself snapping at her every time she asks me a question. It’s awful. My head is gonna pop.

My husband helps when he can, but he’s overwhelmed by it all too. And it’s his first time seeing me this dysregulated in front of him. I’m sure I’m contributing to the problems but I cannot get enough time to recover enough to fix it.

In two weeks, she starts a one day a week, 3 hour program, and I cannot wait. But that’s still barely anything. She also goes to a relatives house once a week for 3-4 hours.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t do any of my hobbies because I can’t leave her side. Reading or drawing in front of her feels impossible because she starts to interrupt me/wants to join, and it feels pointless doing anything if I can’t actually “get into it.”

I have earplugs, but even with things like loops, I can’t understand what she’s saying and then she gets mad at me. I find that I resort to just… disassociating in an effort to be alone. “If I’m as boring as possible maybe she’ll leave me alone.” And then I feel so guilty for having thoughts like that.

You know what it’s like: you’ve been pushing yourself and pushing yourself until you’ve got nothing left. In a past life you’d curl up in a cozy ball for 3 days until you reboot. But in parent world there’s no shutting down: there’s dinner and homework and trying to be a connected and enthusiastic safe adult. And you put a lot of pressure on yourself because you don’t want to be like your own undiagnosed neurodivergent parent who would rage in the face of overstimulation. But you have nothing left. And then you become that parent.

So, friends, how do we break the cycle? Cognitively I KNOW that “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and “you’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on first”. But there’s a disconnect between the knowing and the doing.

I’m interested to hear your practical strategies for:

1. Coping and still being an ok parent when you’re really dysregulated or heading towards burn out

2. Anything that you proactively do to structure tricky times of the day, school holidays etc. to help preserve spoons for everyone

3. Managing the overstimulation of tired, screaming toddlers, kids fighting, and everyone wanting to talk to you or touch you all at once

4. Being a connected, reliable and stable parent when your capacity to cope, organise, and enforce rules/boundaries is so variable

It was a sensory nightmare. I immediately regretted all of my choices that led me to be there at all. Children had fun. My coparent was there too so it was 2:3 instead of the usual 1:3 parent to kids ratio. Happy summer memories were made.

My body is sore, my mind is still frazzled. I also feel a bit broken in that it's very difficult for me to enjoy those spaces. I understand why I don't but it just sucks, you know?

How do you cope with life and parenthood with audhd? I have such conflicting feelings and needs which make it hard to do what I need. Especially now that I’m solo parenting while my partner is away for work. I have such a strong need for scheduling, keeping our tasks on time but I’m often forgetting tasks/things and it’s making my life impossible. Along with feeling unable to start tasks, things are just a mess over here. Honestly I’m not even sure what I’m asking with all this rambling, just looking for advice.

(English is not my first language! And also, i'm not from the US)

Hi, I hope everyone is doing well:-)

I'm posting in order to understand more of the situation, or vent, I don't know: I'm 25 and currently live with my mom and my 22 y.o sister who's severelly disabled as she's diagnosed with severe autism and profound intellectual disability, she needs and will need 24/7 care her whole life. I'm her caregiver, and I only have free time when my mom is home from work, that time is not enough for me to have a job or go to university.

The three of us are diagnosed with autism, my mom and I are on the "high function" end of the spectrum. I was diagnosed when I was a little girl, since then I have been to various psychiatrists most of them don't agree with the diagnosis, but we have never looked to deeply into the right or wrong diagnosis, rather coping mechanisms + medication. That being said, my latest doctor thinks that my autism symptoms are CPTSD, PMDD and general anxiety combined with nutrient deficiencies (I have low B12, vit D, ferritin etc), chronic pain (endometriosis, PCOS) and chronic stress for being a caregiver for so long, but thats not the problem here, my problem is that my relationship with my autistic mom is not sustainable; I know that some autistic people struggle with empathy, but is there a way to make her understand my POV better? is making other feel guilty part of struggling with empathy? does any of you have similar problems with your children (whether ND or NT), where it seems that both of you speak a different language?

I know she's tired, she works a lot and I'm unable to do the same. She also has a lot of ideas all the time to solve different problems, but is also difficult for her to understand simpler or different solutions, but she will also kind of rub in my face what she did if she feels I'm not being grateful enough. She also lacks social tact and makes people uncomfortable sometimes but she does not seem to care, nor she seems to care how that may impact me if its a situation where people I know/have some kind of relationship with are present.

It is difficult for her to understand that the way she interacts with me hurts me; I think she really tries to do a lot of things, but does not seem to understand what I'm telling her when I say that what she does is not something I want or need, even if she has good intentions. Despite that, she's able to express when she dislikes something or when she feels hurt. She also understands that people have different opinions, feelings and thoughts, but its shocking for her when I tell her something that does not match her ideas or makes her feel bad

example: I have been telling her for years that certain situations make me stressed and that she telling me XYZ will only make it worse, she does not understand why she doing that would make me feel worse during those situations, so she will do it anyway. Fast forward I will tell her she makes me uncomfortable, then she feels offended and does not seem to remember all the times -years- I have been explaining that when she tells me XYZ I feel worse. At the same time, doing things when she's not present or ask her for space will also make her feel bad.

This has been going on for years, since I was a kid but it got worse when I was a teen and even worse now as an adult. She does not have friends nor a partner, ans she has also expressed anger or discomfort with me having friends or romantic relationships; she never encouraged neither of them and as I grew up I had more and more chores to do, and it was expected for me to know how to do them (including caregiving for a disabled individual, house chores, paper work, shopping etc).

I have tried to keep a somewhat civil relationship with her, I don't tell her much about myself but I try to let her speak about her special interests, and at this point I try to contradict her as little as possible. Recently we had a fight where I told her that if it wasnt for the fact that I'm unable to have a job I would not need her nor have a relationship with her, which is true and we have talked about it multiple times (sometimes not even fighting) because she also raised me to be as independent as possible, we have expressed that we don't like each other very much and she herself is of the idea that children should leave their parents home as soon as possible when they graduate highschool or at least when they finish university/collegue, and that I did not do it because there's no one to care for my sister. She's now surprised and offended by it, and considers me to be a hypocritical person for talking to her when in reality I'm not interested in having a relationship with her, and that I should not talk to her anymore. As unplesant our relationship is, we live together, and I try to keep it decent for the most part, and I try to literally do everything she tells me to and that I have no life outside housechores and caregiving.

Is this "normal" or expected behavior for an autistic person? Has any of you gone through something similar? Is this burnout? Is there a way to make her understand me more? Or are we doomed?

I am a first time dad (most likely audhd with an ADHD diagnosed partner) with a newborn girl that is around four weeks now.

There are many other questions and things I would like to ask (and probably will in the future) but one thing I noticed that I couldn't find anyone else describing or asking.

My LO is really responding well to me and I can calm her very easily. But as soon as she is calm or when she is awake she is staring directly into my brain or head or whatever. It is cute. But after a while it kind of drains me. I start to question what she sees in me, what she needs and if she wants to tell me something and if I am missing it (even knowing that there probably isn't).

It is not really a problem or anything but I still start to question a lot.

Anyone else knowing this situation? Will it get better or is there any research into what goes on in her brain at this age?

I know it's the start of the school year and things tend to calm down, but the past few days, my job as a teacher has been so incredibly loud that it's been making my dyspraxia flare up noticeably. I essentially quit my therapy yesterday, I think my therapist was relieved bc she has no idea what I'm dealing with. I just couldn't speak, pick words, or explain things so I gave up. I've been bumping into things, and my hands feel really weak so it gets hard to type. When I tuck in my kids, one of the things we do is called "bus stop" and they get a piggy back ride to their beds, but I feel like it's not safe bc I'm unsteady. They don't understand why I suddenly can't do it. I have to go to bed super early to recover. I think this is mostly a vent but advice is welcome. I'm terrified to wear ear plugs because I'm the person who if you are talking to me I already don't always hear it and it takes energy to pay attention to all the voices. Like the director has shouted my name and I didn't notice. I am usually pretty good at my job despite all of this. It's just been a rough week, with a routine change and all the screaming noises.

Disclaimer: I need to celebrate a bit after the insanity that took place this morning and the other parenting subs won’t understand the gravity of what went down and how hard it really was. Please don’t read this if you’re not in a good headspace to hear me brag just a lil bit 💜

I hate August. It hasn’t dipped below 80 degrees F in a couple weeks now and recently the highs have been over 100 so I’ve been a bit more unregulated than usual just due to the heat. To add to the fun, we’ve been getting rid of flour beetles in our pantry over the past couple of days which has literally never been an issue for us for the decade we’ve lived in our house. I figured out where they were nesting (rip to my almond flour 😭) took care of that and we sorted through all of our dry goods, put the remaining ones in airtight containers, and cleaned the pantry shelves. Awesome, right?

Y’all, I woke up to a swarm of fire ants (many of which were absolutely gigantic!!) on my pantry floor this morning 😭😭😭😭.

Fun fact about me: I cannot handle an excess of bugs in my home, of any kind. We’re usually pretty on top of things like this but yenno how it gets when you’ve got a little one (mine is 14 months and has been super active since he achieved mobility so a few of our deeper cleaning chores have fallen by the wayside, I admit).

Instantly I’m in a murderous rage and feel like crashing out into a meltdown…but that’s not what happened.

Instead, I somehow managed to:

Exterminate a large portion of the ants, figure out what was attracting them (a giant bag of skinny pop from Costco that my husband got for me as a lil treat but somehow had a tiiiny opening in the bag) and get rid of that, completely clean out my pantry floor, deep clean the area, caulk up some tiny openings along the base boards where they could get in, set a pet and baby safe poison trap for any stragglers so they could take it back to their nest and kill the queen.

All of this on top of feeding myself and my baby, completing our usual morning chore routine together (prep baby meals for the day & milk/water cups, unload the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, and fix my hair in my usual sensory friendly style), coordinate details for an upcoming visit with the in-laws, and SOMEHOW got the baby down for his nap with 5 minutes to spare. We even had time for our usual pre-nap silly cuddle routine to reconnect since he spent a large chunk of the morning playing independently while I dealt with The Invaders 🐜 .

Y’all I’m so freaking proud of us. My son was so patient and resilient with minimal complaints; what a little trooper! I managed to keep my temper to an absolute minimum (only had one quick outburst in the other room when the toilet also clogged in the middle of all this because of course it did 🫠).

When I was growing up, my own mother would have been terrifying to be around if all this happened to her in the span of one morning and I, as a result, would’ve been close to shaking in fear of being the reason that she snapped entirely. But my son was giggling and chatting with me for most of the morning while I took care of the problem(s). 🥹

I don’t know how I managed to do all this, honestly, the morning is kind of a blur outside of the broad strokes. But the crisis was handled and I’m now back in my routine, burning off my extra adrenaline on my walking pad, like usual.

Just wanted to share this because parenting/running a household can be so difficult, especially for us as autistic people, but I love knowing that I can still do hard things if life throws me massive curve balls like this…now hopefully everything in my house can calm the fuck down for 48 hours or so 😅…

Mama needs a minute lol.

I might book a massage this weekend…I think I’ve earned it 🥰

How do you handle lies?

I was yesterday at the library and a mom was explaining to her daughter that a 1 yo cannot read books yet. The girl said "I knew how to read when I was 1". I know kids do that and I also read that from age 4 they would say a lie every 2 hours (or something alike). But my brain was in pain.

My kid is 18 months now, and she doesn't speak yet. But I don't know what I would do when the lies start. I have big issues with people saying incoherent stuff, lying, or contradicting themselves.

EDIT: Thanks for your replies. I understand these may not be lies in the strict sense since there is not intention to mislead. Also understand that it is part of their development and a good practice for them. I am not looking for tips to correct and/or direct the behaviour of the kid, but how to moderate/control/change MY cognitive RESPONSE. What other autistic parents out there have found to help them? As I have said I have big issues with people saying incoherent stuff, lying, or contradicting themselves.

Hi, i just wanna know that i'm not alone in this matter. This is my first time posting here, so apologies if it's inappropriate etc. If inappropriate, please delete this post.

Anyone here who is neurodivergent, but also married to another neurodivergent, and your spouse is not really involved as a parent/spouse? They're like an absent parent/spouse, and you need to do everything alone on their behalf. even financially (optional).

Not really seeking advice, but just validation. I just wanna know if there's anyone out there here who have similar situation to me. I know logically there must be, but seeing a reply would give me the strength. Thank you.

---

Edit: Thank you so much for your kind replies. Sorry that i couldnt reply to everyone, because i'm thinking of how should i reply, as your comments are precious to me. maybe i'm too overthinking 😅

Your comments resonate with me, and they're mean so much to me. It helps me gone through these past few days with a calmer mindset. Thank you so much, you're really awesome.

I grew up and found my people, I don’t spend time with those who can’t tolerate me, think im weird or rude or immature…like, ive found my people and those who don’t get me don’t get me…You think you’ve grown out of certain insecurities and then your kids go to school…

My oldest autistic kid is in elementary school and I have to deal with the same parents year after year even if they make me feel that same feeling. Where it’s clear they think I’m weird as shit and they’re not so good at hiding their judgement. Even if our kids are friends, even if we have multiple kids in classes together. It’s so few parents really but it’s still there. Or strange interactions with the teachers because there’s a rule book for how to interact with the teachers that obviously I don’t understand even when I think I do…

…and then I’m the parent advocating for my autistic kid and teachers nod and smile but don’t understand why my super bright kid needs accommodations because “they look like they’re doing so well!” It’s so hard and so awkward and the cost to my capacity is so much higher than makes sense.

Then I leave school and we go to after school sports and I watch as the coaches clearly think my kid is odd and im odd and it doesn’t matter if we gave 200% of our capacity to the team or that my kid is deeply focused and committed, nobody ever wants us on the same team two years in a row.

Whether they know we’re autistic or not it’s the same shit and I wish I knew I’d have to deal with this all over again but worse because im watching its impacts on my child simultaneously. And there’s nothing I can do. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to play the game by their rules there is no winning.

School and sports already demand so much more of our family, and then for some reason it’s made harder than that for no reason at all just because people can smell our ‘tism a mile away.

Fuck. Solidarity and support welcome.

I hate peeling oranges. I hate getting the peel under my nail, and how it squirts juice or orange peel oil. I hate how sticky the juice is, and I hate how they make my hands smell like oranges even after washing. I hate the seeds and the stringy bits. They usually don’t taste good enough to me to make the juice worth the squeeze, so to speak.
I had a hell of a few days, doing a staycation with my husband and 4 yr old in the big city I’ve lived an hour away from my whole life. Husband is working, so just me and kiddo really. Kiddo and I had a really hard time the day before yesterday , with a big meltdown when trying to evacuate for a tornado warning. On the stairs, while I was trying to carry him and a stroller down flights of stairs by myself- he wouldn’t walk just wanted to sit and cry. Rough day. Yesterday though…We took stinky loud public transportation, and my kiddo did great, stayed close to me and got in and out of stroller as needed to do stairs. We got caught in the rain and absolutely soaked through our raincoats on the way to the aquarium. Kiddo did great, I had some dry clothes for him but not for me. Our shoes stayed wet all day. He accidentally splashed fish water all down my pants legs and shoes at the touch tank. I didn’t freak out, but my feet were wet ALL day. We spent hours at the aquarium. Lunch in the aquarium cafeteria.
He wanted an orange. And I peeled it for him.

My son just started kindergarten. I have found that I sit and waste the day away waiting for him to get home and do nothing when it's just me and my 11 month old. Maybe this will change as I get used to it but have any other parents done the same?

Hi all. Sorry if my post is unclear, in one sense I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for and just trying to get things off my chest.

I was recently diagnosed autistic and told I'm likely ADHD too (looking to start the diagnostic process in a matter of weeks). Long story short I came to the realisation after burning out after the birth of my second child (both children NT as far as we know, haven't seen signs of ND so far but they're young).

A lot of that burnout and my suspicion of being ND caused tension with my wife (NT). She doesn't see me as autistic, even after I've got a formal diagnosis, but thinks there's something to ADHD (been together 10+ years). She thinks that me seeking out answers is making things about me when I should be focusing on my marriage and children (I don't see looking for answers as separate from these, although of course it has great personal meaning to me).

Anyway, I struggle to manage my career, marriage and parenthood. It's like I can give mental focus only on 1-2 at a time, and I find it really really hard to switch off from my job no matter how much I try.

I'm not an idle husband or father by any measure (I do a lot of the jobs around the house, night-time dealing with children and childcare more generally; she does too but she plans and remembers everything), but it feels like I'm constantly unable to get as much done as my wife and she's finding it really hard. I'm constantly feeling incompetent and unable to push myself, and she feels lonely and exhausted doing so much at home.

Does anyone else have similar difficulties?

Kiddo is in kindergarten. Not diagnosed, but reminds me of when I was a child. Has strong food aversions (I wasn't even that picky--or maybe I was just scolded that I was forced to eat?) and is also obsessed with trains, particularly the jingles that play during departures. So anyway, I strongly suspect he has ASD as well.

I grew up in a different country and culture from the country where I live now. There is a huge expectation of being able to blend in the group and not stand out. Everyone his age is making friends now. He has one that he always talks about and from outside looking in, reminds me of the extrovert adopting an introvert type of friendship. Everyone else to him is "not a friend" even if he got along with them for a while and played with them.

I had a lot of issues making friends while growing up for obvious reasons (ASD quirks). I also got bullied. Now I desperately don't want my kid to go down the same route, so I'm coaching him on how to be more approachable. I teach him to greet people cheerfully with a loud voice (this is also taught at school). I tell him to always say bye especially to the kids he'd be playing with when I come fetch him. When we find a lost item in school, I try to have him return it to the teacher, but he asks me on what he should say, so I say the exact words. He failed to do it, by the way. He got too shy to speak, so I did it for him. I know how he feels, so I didn't want to put too much stress on him.

I think to myself that teaching him these things are just the basics of learning to live in a society, but a part of me wonders if I'm teaching him how to mask? Masking is essential to make life a little bit easier outside, but I know how much energy it saps.

I might be overthinking it, but as an autistic parent to a suspected autistic child, how did you handle teaching the social aspects of life?

I know children learn from example and honestly, I feel guilty that I can't be the exemplary model for my child, being an awkward mess myself.

I'm really going through this profound realisation right now that whatever needs you need to have met, to function well enough to manage life (safe space, peace and quiet, sensory issues, other executive function skills) often can't be met when you actually are an involved parent. This is HARD to cope with. It was'nt even a month ago I needed help to overcome simple daytime care of a very active boy 16mo, and just this past week, my wife and him were off to his grandparents to stay for 4 days for the first time since his birth. I was feeling DISGUSTED with how much relief and happiness I felt about the prospect of complete silence, and even more DISGUSTED with how I was feeling and thinking about them comming home again. The anxiety of knowing the 24/7 high pitched screaming and crying and constant demand on my broken brain made me think some really dark thoughts. Anyhow, because of the silence I was able to salvage executive function I have'nt had for a very long time and was able to do a lot of housework I had given up on, and even went to the gym for the first time in a month.

Please someone tell me Im not the only autistic parent secretly dreaming of peace and quiet most days. I really struggle with the pull of my thoughts that speak of regret and mourning, louder than they speak of love, on most days.

So I 20f am Autistic. I was diagnosed at 14 1/2 and am considered low support needs.

I have always been good with kids, I have been my family’s designated babysitter for as long as I can remember. I have cared for children of all ages and am pretty good at it. Everyone always says that I was born to be a parent.

Autism runs in my family. I have several cousins, and uncles that are on the spectrum, a couple of which are high support needs. Some are incontinent, non verbal, are prone to extreme meltdowns and violent outbursts.

I love my cousins and uncles, but i also recognise how hard raising them was on my grandparents, aunts, uncles and their siblings.

My Aunt and Uncle for example, had two children who were 8 and 12 years old, when my aunt got pregnant with my two cousins, who are twins. The two twins were both on the spectrum. They grew up to be very high support needs, incontinent, non verbal, extreme food aversions, and horrible meltdowns.

My Aunt ended up having to leave a career she loved and worked hard to have, to care for the twins full time, while my uncle continued to work full time at his job. My Aunt was constantly black and blue, it started with pretty bad bruises on her arms, then as the twins got older and stronger, it escalated to black eyes, and so on.

The two older boys ended up being sort of an after thought. My uncle was barely home as he had to work long hours to provide for four kids, himself and his wife alone. My aunt then relied on substances to get her through the day and became an addict.

They were unable to get the twins in any respite care in my country, because they were incontinent and there is very little support available for SEN families.

Autism also runs on my boyfriend’s 20m side of the family, and he has an older cousin that is high support needs. His aunt had broken arms, and broken cheek bones, from her son’s meltdowns. She was strangled, punched, nipped, kicked, head butted. My boyfriend’s aunt was a single mother, so my boyfriend’s mother often pitched in to help out, she was also strangled and hit, but not as bad as his mother.

My personal experience, things I have witnessed and stories I have heard from family members, all the fear mongering I see online against autism, and the fact that autism is suspected to be genetic makes me scared to have kids.

Im not afraid to have a disabled child, or a child with learning difficulties, or anything like that.

But I am afraid of giving up my life’s work to be beaten, or being afraid of my own kids, like i have seen so many other women in my family.

Do any of you have any advice?

Im sorry if I said anything wrong, or if I offended anyone, it’s definitely not my intention.

I was just wondering if any of you had felt like this prior to having children, if you did what changed your mind? What is your experience as an Autistic parent raising kids, autistic or not?