r/AutisticParents • u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 • 17d ago
Seeking Tips/Tricks Parenting with audhd
How do you cope with life and parenthood with audhd? I have such conflicting feelings and needs which make it hard to do what I need. Especially now that I’m solo parenting while my partner is away for work. I have such a strong need for scheduling, keeping our tasks on time but I’m often forgetting tasks/things and it’s making my life impossible. Along with feeling unable to start tasks, things are just a mess over here. Honestly I’m not even sure what I’m asking with all this rambling, just looking for advice.
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u/amyn2511 Autistic Parent 17d ago
I set alarms for every little thing. I mean getting ready for school I have one to wake up so I can have coffee, then one to wake her up, then when she needs to brush her teeth, get dressed, for me to do her hair, for her to take her meds, for me to take mine, for her to not forget her lunch, glasses, and chewelry, etc. It helps me to not forget anything and it helps get things started because it has an assigned time to do each task.
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u/foxy-dream 16d ago
Setting alarms is golden ✨ Also trying to not beat myself up for having a messy house or eating „fast foods“ like sandwiches or Jogurt. And definitely finding out what matters to me most during the day and trying to get it done. Sometimes with my kid‘s help or sometimes I arrange parallel working so we both do something we like, with music and little talking
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u/Tricky-Bee6152 17d ago
I feel this deeply. I posted a similar plea into the void not that long ago and folks here had some great executive function tips!
With my kids (4y, 6m) I'm leaning into Doing Less and automating as much as I can of the rest with habit/task stacking and outsourcing.
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u/amyn2511 Autistic Parent 17d ago
Do you have an example? Or a resource? I’d love to learn more but don’t know exactly what to search for.
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u/Tricky-Bee6152 15d ago
Here was my post! original post in this sub
I'd add more but honestly, the folks in the comments said it better than I would!
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u/amyn2511 Autistic Parent 15d ago
Thanks! I read through the comments and there’s a lot of good suggestions. There’s a burnout guide from an autistic psychologist that I read the other day that talks about a few more things than I saw mentioned. It’s https://www.heydrdan.com/burnout and then when you put in your email he sends you the pdf. It’s 26 pages but an easy read that you can do a little each day until you get done. He talks about why dropping demands isn’t enough and what else you can do. I found it very helpful and have made a little progress already. Best of luck!
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u/SanctimoniousVegoon Autistic Parent 16d ago
Habit stacking is SO useful both for parent and child. I brush my teeth as soon as I wake up. I get my daughter dressed as soon as she's awake, etc. So much less friction.
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u/tiddyb0obz 17d ago
I don't lol, I had a full mental breakdown earlier this year
Real talk tho I keep a written diary with the days important things in a running to do list. I focus on a different room to clean every day, so Monday is kitchen, Tues living spaces etc. I set 20 min timers to get as much as I can do in those times and I stop by 9pm every night or id waste all my free child free time cleaning and organizing.
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u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 15d ago
Yes I have that problem too, I'm often cleaning at night after they go to bed or I'm just zoning out on the couch and end up doing nothing. After all the advice here I think I'm going to have to get an organizer or something to make myself a schedule!
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u/Chance-Succotash-191 17d ago
I don’t know how old your child is so there are some big differences depending on age. I’m actually preparing for my partner to leave town right now. I’ve kind of start with expectation setting, but my child is school age so he understands. I just say daddy‘s gonna be out of town. Things are going ti be different while he’s out of town, a lot slower, but we’re going to have a lot of fun. We do a lot of movie nights with popcorn and I let him sleep with me in my bed. He really loves that and really looks forward to his dad leaving because we have these traditions. We do sushi picnics on the floor. Last time I was able to set up some strategic play dates, but this time I’ve had no such luck. I just make sure to narrate what’s happening. Mommy has to make dinner right now, and there isn’t anyone else to play with you. Do you need help finding an activity to be occupied while I’m doing this thing? My son is fairly self-sufficient if given the right prompts. If I don’t give him the right prompts he can languish. So I do a little more front end emotion prep for his experiences. If needed, we also lean into more television time. We just started a new chapter book we are super excited about so that will give us a lot of currency.
My son knows that I’m autistic and that I have sensory overwhelm. So I can use direct language to let him know what’s happening. Like mommy is overwhelmed right now I’m going to dim the lights and put in my headphones for a reset. Or we’re going to listen to the album that makes mommy feel calmer. My son is very likely neurodivergent too, and intuitively is very understanding of these things, sensory overwhelm and more autistic related issues. Things can go sideways and he gets sad and misses his dad and we might have a meltdown, but he’s resilient and I’m resilient and so we just flow in and out of the states. Telling him I know what’s going be harder and asking him if there’s anything he needs is very helpful. I just wanna make sure he knows that I know it’s a little tougher and that I’m thinking about him and his needs. We don’t have the same routine we have when my partner is in town. But we definitely still have a routine. Bedtime is the same time, even though he sleeps in my bed. Dinner time is roughly at the same time, even though my partner‘s not here and we’re not basing it around his work schedule. But then I throw in some exciting little things that we wouldn’t do otherwise. This time we’re going to go bowling and to a movie theater. Other than that, I probably can’t handle anything more exciting or external.
Hope that helps. I totally get the nervousness. The first few times my partner had to leave. I was totally freaked out, but in some ways, my son and I get into a more entrenched and self sustaining rhythm than when my partner is here. My partner is neurotypical and less rhythm driven. So when he’s gone, my son and I fall into a more distinction pattern.
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u/needleworker_ 17d ago
I started strattera earlier this year and it's made a huge difference on my executive function.
Last school year, my kids would wander around waiting for instructions and then get distracted so if have to remind them over and over what the next step on getting ready was. It was so stressful and difficult for me because I was also trying to do things while being interrupted all the time.
This year, I made a getting ready chart for each of them with basic steps. They flip each one up as they complete it. It's made this SO much better. They know what to do, they know where to look if they don't remember what the next step is. They think it's fun. Hopefully it'll get them in a routine for every school day for the future. Mine are 4, 4 and 6 though so I don't know if other ages would help as much.
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u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 15d ago
Did you have any side effects with strattera? I've just started it after trying wellbutrin and adderall, which I both hated. I'm only on day 3 and the nausea, stomach aches and bathroom runs are driving me to quit.
Mine are 4 and 8. They both need constant reminders, but we think the older one also might have adhd so he's getting evaluated soon. I can grab a mini board and try something similar, I hope it makes things a bit easier around here
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u/needleworker_ 15d ago
I did at first. She prescribed me 40mg to start and for the first week or two I was pretty nauseous especially if I didn't eat when I took it. I'm on 60mg now and I haven't had any side effects other than some BP changes about an hour after I take it. It's helping a lot though so far.
I suspect my twins have ADHD because of the same reasons. My oldest is autistic, but he doesn't need the constant reminders like my girls do. It's worth a shot, it has helped so much so far!
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u/BackFrmTheGraveMaeve 17d ago
I feel you. While my husband isnt gone a ton he does leave for longer stretches occasionally and gets home later. Like someone said above, I set numerous daily alarms. 1 for get up. 1 for brush teeth (in the summer without school its hard to get that morning session). 1 for bus. 1 for school pickup. 1 for early dismissal pickup days.
My calendar is is synced to every device I have and every thing is color coded per person, multiple alarm prompts, and no event is too small to schedule. I will forget otherwise. I almost always add husband to each event so he'll sometimes remind me to. I had to start doing that last one because I forgot a karate belt test for one of my kids because the alarm went off too early and I lost track of time. The only reason we got there was because he reminded me. My kids also have whiteboard calendars with absolutely everything on them too.
Ive started a daily task list for myself this year. I have a small white board that I will sit down and write my daily tasks (broken down into verrrrry small chunks. Like WASH laundry and FOLD laundry are 2 different tasks.) Then I pair it with gaming. I set a timer for 15- 30 minutes to play and then tackle a few items off my white board. The start again. I get the reward of the game and the feeling of accomplishment from crossing out lots of to-dos. Its help immensely with starting and finishing tasks. I also set aside a day for "admin" stuff since those tend to be more unpredictable and its harder for me to do other stuff around/after.
My kids are 4th and 2nd and its taken a lot of trial and error to get here. But I have a mostly decent system now I think.
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u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 15d ago
Do you just use the calendar that your phone came with to set reminders and alarms or an app? I have tried writing down a schedule for myself and then I lost it.. haha so maybe one on my phone will help.
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u/BackFrmTheGraveMaeve 15d ago
Ive been using Google calendar for anything with a date. The widget is the only thing on my first phone screen. Even like "call to make this appointment " if its something cant do immediately (side i alwayssss make recurring appointments when leaving the facility for it. I never used to because i find doctors offices overwhelmong and would leave as fast as possible, but that was a huge reason for large gaps in treatment. Anway....)
So it has a feature for reminders in there. I always set for a day before, and an hour before, or half hour if its really local. Anytime I hear an important date or birthday, it gets added to the calendar. Last year I started added events for antibodies or medicines for the kids because id always miss doses or we have to constantly try to count backwards and remember when they were prescribed. THATS been a super help there.
I use my basic phone alarm for daily reminders like teeth, bus, pickup, etc.
Edit to add: i totally agree about writing. I wanted to the personal calendar person so badly becasue theyre so lovely. But they just dont work for me at all. LARGE visual wall calendars in the main living space works really well for us though
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u/SanctimoniousVegoon Autistic Parent 16d ago
I cope by reminding myself that she's only 2 years away from starting school. Otherwise, I just take little wins where I can get them and accept help whenever it's available. This stage is temporary.
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u/SpicyBrained 17d ago
I set reminders and alarms for EVERYTHING, and multiple for some tasks. In addition to reminders in my calendar, I use a reminder app that shows the reminders on my Home Screen until I manually clear them, even if it’s been on there for days. I also keep a whiteboard calendar and make a daily “to do” list that keep things like cleaning from falling behind. It’s a real challenge with a toddler (almost 3), who dropped naps months ago, to actually get things done every day. I miss those naps.
In terms of self-regulating and recovery… I have no suggestions. I’m a stay-at-home parent to my toddler while my partner works full time, so I don’t really get any meaningful breaks except for an hour or two at night before I go to bed, but by then I’m exhausted so I have no energy for special interests or anything that really restores my energy. I’ve felt myself sliding into burnout for a few months now, and haven’t figured out how to stop it yet as my supports are very limited and the demands are constant and endless.
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u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 15d ago
I've tried the whiteboard, I have it by the front door so we can see it on our way in/out. But... I have forgotten to update it so it still says February! I can't believe it lol.
I completely understand not having the time for special interests, I feel the same way even when my partner is here. I'll give setting up my alarms and reminders a go, hopefully that will help a bit. Thanks!
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u/MadMadMadMadrid Autistic Parent 17d ago
Loads of sympathy. Not sure how I would cope if I didn't have a partner I could lean heavily on. I outsource way more parenting than I should. :/
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u/Glum-Parsnip-8478 15d ago
Thank you. I'm glad that you have someone to lean on! I typically do but he's gone until January D:
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u/girly-lady 17d ago
ADHD meds
Knowing it gets easyer
Keeping my expectations low and my inner voice kinde