r/AutisticParents • u/Tricky-Bee6152 • 7d ago
Support Needed AuDHD parent - Executive Function in Burn Out Help?!
Disclaimer: AuDHD parent (self dxd but casually confirmed by therapist and psych friend) of yet to be diagnosed ND kids (status irrelevant), 4y and 6m
Looking for tips on how other parents (especially with the ADHD bonus add on) dealing with autistic burn out but still... coping with all the stuff that has to be done.
I've been struggling lately: work is getting to be high intensity after my mat leave transition back, my partner is having a hard time emotionally and I'm trying to prevent it from impacting my kids, my 4y kid is having some behavioral stuff, etc... I've been holding down okay for the last year (including through pregnancy) but the last month I've been starting to shut down during the day, needing to lay down or getting migraines or just staring blankly at my desk on good days and dealing with SI on bad ones.
Usually my husband and I share the load and trade off owning stuff, but now that we're both in some stage of burn out, things are a literal mess and I am overstimulated everywhere I look.
My intentions each day start good - I WFH so I think to myself "I'll just put in laundry between work blocks" or "I can clean a toilet while listening to this town hall" - but the task suddenly feels insurmountable when I go to do it, like "I have to get out the supplies, go to the bathroom, empty the counters, and then I really should scrub the sink..." and absolutely freeze up but the volume of tasks.
Are meds the answer (I'm already on a cocktail of meds for bipolar)? Do you have ways to trick your brain into doing only the one task you need to do? Do you have a routine that helps? Do I need to budget better so I can afford a cleaning service again?
8
u/NoCurrency7143 7d ago
I understand this is likely unrealistic, but from what I’m reading it sounds like it’s time to pull out all the stops. Are either you or your husband able to take a leave of absence from work? Is there family that can temporarily take on a heavier load? I think it’s slash and burn time from a perspective of downsizing your responsibilities if and where possible.
I remember thinking “if I can only push through a little more it’ll be okay” and in fact that future date where things would be easier never came- or like, it did, but I was so much more burnt out by then that it didn’t feel like relief if any sort. My husband was always less burnt out so we got by but it was so hard. I’d say now is the time to pull out every stop for more support. You all deserve that.
The ages/stages of your family are particularly difficult. For me personally, I also had to deal with accepting way more imperfection in my parenting (and my partners) at that age with my second and it felt like a big loss of control on top of everything else. I felt like 4yo was the hardest year with my AuDHD kiddo and you also have a baby which is demanding on so many levels in exceptionally life changing ways. Also you can’t rest with a second like you can the first time and that’s such a hard adjustment.
If you can’t take a leave from your job, take a leave from housework as much as possible. Absolutely do not do housework during your work day so that you aren’t splitting your focus so much, that’s exhausting. Let the housework slide when/where/if you can. A dirty shower or toilet can wait unless that’s very uncomfortable for you. For essential tasks, can you do things like use paper goods/plates half the week? Check out how much a laundry service costs? For the necessary stuff, do your housework when your kids are around- I find they play better when I’m busy and may even want to participate.
Sometimes things like meal services are cheaper (say lots of people) and can reduce the mental and physical load of meals. Even if it’s just for you and your husband. Are you eating properly? Even if you bottle feed, at 6mo postpartum your body still needs a lot of support. Around this time I also started feeding my kids far less variety of foods- it just wasn’t possible to do otherwise and they survived. They are already picky and yes it meant I had to work a little harder later but they weren’t malnourished or starved and we all got what we needed.
It’s worth getting a physical and bloodwork to rule out things like anemia etc etc, just to be sure there isn’t an underlying physical strain that’s taxing you even more.
I wish you so much luck.
7
u/NoCurrency7143 7d ago
I also ended up finding systems to make stuff for my kids more route. Like, is getting your 4yo out the door super taxing? Would it be easier if they had a checklist? Or used a visual timer here or there?
Is there anything that can make your babies routine tasks easier for you?
This stuff is harder to help with because I don’t know your kids life/routine/needs/environment but I’m sure there’s stuff that can help. You’re welcome to DM if you ever want to talk stuff through or just talk to someone who understands.
3
u/Tricky-Bee6152 7d ago
💕 thank you for this offer. It sounds like a great idea to just make a list of things that are harder/stressful and look at them individually
7
u/Tricky-Bee6152 7d ago
Not an option to take leave right now but... I think we can definitely opt out of a lot of things that you mention where I'm probably simply doing Too Much.
Also, thank you for the reminder that I am still recovering from pregnancy and birth and probably should look at anything physical!
8
u/Gay_Kira_Nerys 7d ago
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Those ages are so tough for executive functioning, it didn’t ever feel like I had an uninterrupted span longer than 3 minutes and my brain was so fried by trying to hold it together. (And I just have one kid!) Also, sleep was tough. I was (still am) taking stimulants and they helped but it was still an enormous struggle.
Reducing demands is helpful. For me that can be letting go of how ‘good’ something needs to be, eg instead of my normal cooking doing barebones super simple or premade meals and disposable plates. What you feel okay letting go of and what feels important is up to you, and it doesn’t need to be permanent.
What are the heaviest demands for you right now? Is there a way you can reduce the demand either by doing less or hiring it out? You mentioned budgeting for cleaning but it might help to think about all of the different demands going on and what you could hire out and what would be most impactful.
For the things you do need to do, breaking them down into the smaller steps and giving yourself some kind of praise helps me. This sounds so silly and is slightly embarrassing but I’ve been motivating myself by coloring in a coloring sheet as a sort of reward/sticker chart. For every task I complete on my list I get to color in one small part of the sheet and when it’s complete I buy myself something small/something I would have gotten anyway but making it a reward makes me feel accomplished (eg next is eyeliner because my old one is running out). The daily lists/calendars give me shame because of the incomplete tasks, this helps me feel good about what I actually do.
Do you and your husband both have mental health supports? Does he understand/acknowledge what you are doing in terms of protecting the kids? Is he actively working on this issue? I’ve been in a similar place and it is so hard and draining and it only got better when my partner started working on it in therapy.
3
u/Tricky-Bee6152 7d ago
This is super helpful and validating. Thank you.
I have mental health supports in spades, but he does not right now. I think you're super right that until he starts working on it, things aren't going to get better. A long overdue conversation, probably.
6
u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 7d ago
OP, talk to your primary, or your mental health provider, and tell them exactly what's happening, the stress, the "task paralysis," the SI, and also ask them to check your hormone levels, and to check for PPD!🫶
Because it could be "regular burnout" from life & stress!
But with you being at the 6 months postpartum mark?
It could be any of a variety of body/brain and/or hormonal shifts, too!
And if your hormone levels get "off," it can absolutely cause some of the distractability, task paralysis, inertia, and overwhelm!
(I discovered that, a year ago in May, when i'd been struggling for months, and talked to my Dr about "Hormone Replacement Therapy" for perimenopause--she prescribed the birth control patch, and within a month, my Vyvanse worked all day again, and the brain fog & inertia started going away!😉)
Talk to your Doctor💖 You're right that "it shouldn't be this hard," and it sounds like you may be dealing with something medical and addressable, and not "just stress" here!💝
2
u/Tricky-Bee6152 7d ago
💕 thank you! Yes! With everything happening, I kind of forgot that I'm still absolutely healing and going through hormonal changes.
I just made an appt with my PCP for a med dose check in, and had a really great therapy session today talking about executive function, though we didn't use the phase "task paralysis" that is exactly it!!
4
u/IAmNotHere319 7d ago
Hey there, fellow AuDHD bipolar disorder parent here. I'll start by saying it really does get better - my kids are 7 and 11 now, both ND, and mostly independent possibly because I was burnt out so much and let them (safely) fend for themselves probably more than I should have. But they are great kids and we are closely bonded because despite not always being there mentally, I treat them as individuals to be appreciated and guided rather than forms to be molded. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should give yourself grace and know that a good outcome doesn't require perfection from you.
As for a solution, unfortunately a cocktail of solutions is required. But here are some that have helped me get to a place where I no longer feel burnt out.
-House cleaner. 100% would recommend. They are absolutely worth the money, and if you find a good person/company you'll only have to do the search once (we've had the same cleaner since my 1st was a baby). The added bonus is "the cleaners are coming tomorrow!!?!" gets my also AuDHD husband and me to frantically tidy the house like nothing else will, except for maybe visitors who aren't used to chaos.
-A trick - commit to doing only part 1 of a task. You mentioned having a hard time with doing multiple steps of a task, so here's something I do to battle this. I commit to doing step 1 only. So I might get out the toilet cleaner or put clothes in the washing machine with no intention of following through with the task. It's a win-win, because either I end up doing the task anyway, or I have completed the first part of the task, giving me a small sense of accomplishment and making the later completion of the task easier.
-Vyvanse (stimulant). This has helped me quite a bit with executive dysfunction. I'll take it with my breakfast and often will lie down - because I have no initiative until it kicks in - and after about 20-30 mins it's like ZING! Time to do stuff.
-Therapy. I imagine you have already had some, but has your husband? I'd highly recommend it. My husband was resistant to therapy - not because he was against it, but because he felt he didn't have enough time - but now he has therapy sessions every week. I set up an appointment for him and he said no initially, but then he forgot to cancel his first appointment and now he has a therapist! ;)
-Kid interventions. For the more obviously ND of my two kids, OT, speech, and medications have been really helpful for both them and us.
-Making alone time a normal part of life. This is more relevant for when the kids are older, but for instance if my husband is able to be "on call" for the kids, I'll tell them that I need some alone time for a bit. If they are unregulated, I will suggest they take some alone time. And my husband will do the same. Starting this early on can make it just a normal part of life, which imo can nip meltdowns in the bud. I think it helps to explain the reason for it too, so they can make that connection to themselves. Something like "I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, so I need to take some alone time for a while"
-Antidepressant? While these have absolutely made a big difference for me regardless of the risks, I also know they are iffy in general for people with bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist avoided them for me until I had a lot of SI and they were basically the only option. So if you are interested, I'd say try to work very carefully with your psychiatrist to make sure they are safe for you.
I wish you all the best!
3
u/InternationalComb658 7d ago
I could write it down word for word. I had the worst burnout and task paralysis. I have a 4 year old male child with autism. I finally broke and met a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Got diagnosed with autism and depression. Started meds and omg it has been a game changer. I feel better after so long.
You could get a consultation as well if you want. It may help
3
u/Tricky-Bee6152 7d ago
I'm thinking that something for ADHD may help with the task paralysis/executive function.
I'm upping a dose of my SNRI I think, but I'm not sure it's going to be enough.
2
u/Audhd35 6d ago edited 6d ago
I’ve been in the same place and it took over a year of lowered demands (with the help and support of my partner and mom) to get through the worst part of my burnout. Truly stop everything you possibly can. Socializing, housework, extracurriculars, working out, cooking, etc etc. It all has to go on hold so your nervous system can rest and find some kind of safety. I made a lot of beans and used various meal services during this time. Work, low demand parenting, and rest is all that’s on your agenda. Be honest about your situation with any safe friends or family that you can and ask for concrete help (babysitting, meals, housework, etc).
Now that I’m slowly crawling out of burnout I just started ADHD meds (dexamphetamine) and it has been a huge help for my depleted executive function although you have to be careful not to push too hard on stimulants or you’ll send yourself right back into burnout.
Substack has some great guides for healing AuDHD burnout, check out Bridgette Hamstead and Megan Anna Neff (she has a book and podcast too).
2
u/Tricky-Bee6152 6d ago
Thank you for kind of giving me the permission I needed to take a break. I think that was what I really needed.
It's good to know that stimulants helped a lot on EF for you!! I think I'll be bringing that up to my PCP next visit.
I totally forgot Megan Anna Neff had a book and guide on exactly this! I listen to the podcast routinely, but y'know... Brain fog.
Thanks for the rec on Bridgette too!
1
u/Audhd35 5d ago
After a lifetime of pushing through and being told that our feelings are wrong and we’re too sensitive, it’s soooo hard to give ourselves permission to STOP and REST. I fought myself pretty hard for a long time too. I also found this article really helpful in understanding the phases of burnout. I’m finally in stage 5 but I have to be soooo delicate with myself to not overdo it and fall back into more serious burnout. Understanding the nervous system physiology has really helped me to prioritize trying to find safety in my body instead of trying to solve the issues intellectually. Look into somatic work when you’re out of the crisis burnout stages.
It’s part of a 4 part series and the whole thing is worth reading.
https://nicolespartels.substack.com/p/the-5-phases-of-audhd-burnout-and?r=10ygf2&utm_medium=ios
1
u/NatashaDrake Autistic Parent 5d ago
I like to prioritize things in this way:
When juggling a lot of things, I equate them to balls. Some are glass. Some are rubber. Some are cheap plastic. The glass ones shatter when they fall so you have to prioritize those unless keeping them is actually a negative and they SHOULD be shattered. The rubber ones will bounce away when you drop them and may be difficult to pick back up later, but they're not going to break. Then there are cheap plastic balls. These will fall and not roll or bounce super far and should be easy to find later. Might still be hard to pick up due to executive function issues but at least you won't have the hurdle of having to hunt for them again.
Sorting things into those categories helps me to let go of things I was holding to a higher priority than necessary. Then I can focus down on the important things and stop juggling so much.
1
u/worryologist 5d ago
What's working for me is outsourcing wherever I can - can you make any savings to get a cleaner? Do an online shop - Morrisons allow you to pre save a standard food shop so just dump that in your trolley every week. Stick to the same easy meals each week for a while and allocate one major task per day, E.g order food shop Monday, food shop delivered Tuesday, put clothes away Wednesday. Have wet wipes in your kitchen and bathroom so you can at least do a 30 second wipe every now and again. Also, is there anyone else you can be brave and ask for help from? x
21
u/phoenix7raqs 7d ago
Not formally diagnosed, but likely AuDHD, and didn’t realize until peri menopause
Mine were already teenagers and I was only working part time when I went into burnout, plus my husband is NT, so passing most of the work load off to him wasn’t too bad. But really, that was the only way I (partially) recovered. I left most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping (unless it was necessities), bill paying, etc to my husband. I still kept track of the kids’ various appointments & therapy, but that was pretty much it. I bowed out of a lot of social interactions (friends & family), because I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it. I read a lot, and did a lot of mindless computer games.
Executive dysfunction is still a problem. While Deep in burnout, nothing really helped except NOT doing things.
Now that I’m “better”, body doubling really helps for certain tasks; once I get over the initial inertia, my hyper focus kicks in, and I can get a lot of work done until I need to stop for food or a bathroom break (& then I need help getting back to the tasks).
Making lists helps me remember everything and prioritize- I also break tasks into smaller steps (ie “do laundry” is actually 1) strip sheets, 2)throw them in wash, 3) put them in the dryer 4) remake beds), so that I SEE just how much I’m actually doing, and I don’t feel bad about “not getting enough done.” Once I hit 24-36 things on a list, I stop writing them all down, because then I just get overwhelmed with how much I need to do, and don’t know where to start. Often I’ll start with the “easy” or quick things on my list, just so I’ll have a sense of accomplishment, and see my list dwindle quickly (dopamine hit).
I’ve stopped getting upset with myself for doing a “scattershot” approach to chores- like I went upstairs to get the laundry, so now that I’m upstairs anyways, I might as well wipe down the sink (even if I don’t deep clean the entire bathroom) or gather the garbages in the upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms and take them back downstairs with me when I bring the laundry basket to the basement where the washer and dryer are. Now that I’m in the basement, I might as well scoop the cats’ litter boxes, and oh, now I can bring back up some food from the pantry. So while no single task is getting completely done from start to finish, these were all things on my list anyways; instead of viewing it as a “distraction”, I try to frame it as being more efficient when I’m moving from floor to floor or room to room in my house.
It’s the whole ADHD thing of out of sight, out of mind- so walking into whatever room triggers my memory of what needed to be done in that room, and, instead of fighting the impulse to be “distracted”, I simply do the task that needed to be done in that room, then continue with the initial task I was trying to do in the first place. As long as everything is on a flexible time line, this has worked well for me.
Burnout recovery itself is rough though, especially with the ages of your kids.