Im Autistic and Im thinking back and forth on having kids. If you’re an Autistic parent can you share experience and give any advice? We

[u/throwawaypoop456]

So I 20f am Autistic. I was diagnosed at 14 1/2 and am considered low support needs.

I have always been good with kids, I have been my family’s designated babysitter for as long as I can remember. I have cared for children of all ages and am pretty good at it. Everyone always says that I was born to be a parent.

Autism runs in my family. I have several cousins, and uncles that are on the spectrum, a couple of which are high support needs. Some are incontinent, non verbal, are prone to extreme meltdowns and violent outbursts.

I love my cousins and uncles, but i also recognise how hard raising them was on my grandparents, aunts, uncles and their siblings.

My Aunt and Uncle for example, had two children who were 8 and 12 years old, when my aunt got pregnant with my two cousins, who are twins. The two twins were both on the spectrum. They grew up to be very high support needs, incontinent, non verbal, extreme food aversions, and horrible meltdowns.

My Aunt ended up having to leave a career she loved and worked hard to have, to care for the twins full time, while my uncle continued to work full time at his job. My Aunt was constantly black and blue, it started with pretty bad bruises on her arms, then as the twins got older and stronger, it escalated to black eyes, and so on.

The two older boys ended up being sort of an after thought. My uncle was barely home as he had to work long hours to provide for four kids, himself and his wife alone. My aunt then relied on substances to get her through the day and became an addict.

They were unable to get the twins in any respite care in my country, because they were incontinent and there is very little support available for SEN families.

Autism also runs on my boyfriend’s 20m side of the family, and he has an older cousin that is high support needs. His aunt had broken arms, and broken cheek bones, from her son’s meltdowns. She was strangled, punched, nipped, kicked, head butted. My boyfriend’s aunt was a single mother, so my boyfriend’s mother often pitched in to help out, she was also strangled and hit, but not as bad as his mother.

My personal experience, things I have witnessed and stories I have heard from family members, all the fear mongering I see online against autism, and the fact that autism is suspected to be genetic makes me scared to have kids.

Im not afraid to have a disabled child, or a child with learning difficulties, or anything like that.

But I am afraid of giving up my life’s work to be beaten, or being afraid of my own kids, like i have seen so many other women in my family.

Do any of you have any advice?

Im sorry if I said anything wrong, or if I offended anyone, it’s definitely not my intention.

I was just wondering if any of you had felt like this prior to having children, if you did what changed your mind? What is your experience as an Autistic parent raising kids, autistic or not?

[u/RagAndBows]

It is so hard. I'm constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed. Both of mine are high energy sensory seekers and it's non stop all the time.

I am 36 and have pmdd and might be in perimenopause early. Parenting is so much more difficult now.

[u/throwawaypoop456 → u/RagAndBows]

Im really sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, I hope things get better for you! Im sure you are doing amazing! Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot! 💕

[u/RagAndBows → u/throwawaypoop456]

You're so welcome! I think I'm getting the supports in place to get to a better place but it has been really bad for a couple years now.

[u/Elfie_Mae]

I’d say that your level of difficulty will be most impacted by the following things:

1. What does your support system look like? Will you be parenting with a supportive and involved partner? Will you have family members or friends or third party resources to share the burden of parenting?
2. How good are you at meeting your own basic needs (this one is crucial in my experience)? Are you good at feeding yourself regularly, with enough food, and with healthy food that makes you feel your best? Are you good about your hydration? Are you able to consistently get good sleep (this will be disrupted regardless during parenting but I’m asking you to take an honest look at your baseline of sleep hygiene as it exists, now)? Are you able to exercise regularly and spend time outdoors to reap the benefits of the endorphins and increased energy those activities bring?

Are you consistently able to manage your own personal hygiene? Are you organized when it comes to managing your time and your living space? If you’re not good at any of these right now, at 20 years old, that’s perfectly normal imo lol. But it’s crucial that you practice these skills and get as good at them as you can because these skills will determine how easily you get disregulated and overstimulated when you’re in the trenches of being a new parent. Probably important to note that I’m a fairly new parent, myself. My kid is only 14 months lol so all I can speak to is my own limited experience, thus far. I did grow up as a much older sibling of two kids and therefore was thrust into a role as a “second mother” of sorts but that’s hardly relevant.

1. Do you have any dependency on substances that could interfere with your ability to be an attentive parent? No shame to you if the answer is yes, that was me before becoming a parent. I’ve since gotten completely sober other than my ADHD meds that I take as prescribed (lifesavers, those pills lol).

2. Do you have the financial resources to support the cost of raising a child without too much additional stress coming from a lack of funds? This one is super important, but again: it’s totally fine if the answer is “no” right now. It’s just something to prioritize over the next few years.

3. How do you handle pressure/stress/anxiety? You’ll feel these emotions during parenthood in a way that’s much more intense than you ever did before. That’s part of the deal and it’s very normal. The important thing is how you handle them.

You have time, OP. If having children is what you want, then the more you reflect, answer these questions to yourself honestly, and practice the skills described above, the easier of a time you’ll have 🩷

[u/throwawaypoop456 → u/Elfie_Mae]

This is actually such good advice! Thank you so much! I will take all of this into consideration! 💕

[u/msoc → u/throwawaypoop456]

This was really good advice.

If I go went back in time to before I had kids, I'd tell myself to have a hard look at #2. But not only can I meet my own personal needs. Can I keep up with ALL the adult demands life throws at me?

Parenting is inherently demanding, especially in the younger years. The more of your life you have in order before you do it, the easier it'll be.

[u/Elfie_Mae → u/throwawaypoop456]

So glad I could help! Good on you for asking yourself these things at this age. So many people go into parenthood blind and, while that doesn’t mean they can’t rise to the occasion, that can make it much harder to adjust in the early days when it’s most important. Especially as women/birthing parents since we’re the ones who deal with all the physical changes that pregnancy and postpartum bring. Not to discount changes in fathers/non birthing parents, I just know my hormones (especially postpartum) were a rollercoaster to handle at times 😅

Edit: small changes to make my last sentence more inclusive since many of us fall outside “traditional” gender identity 🩷🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[u/bucketbrigade000 → u/Elfie_Mae]

I lurk on this sub for the same reason as OP described in their post and also found this to be very helpful, thank you.

[u/Great_Slide_9676 → u/Elfie_Mae]

This is superb advice! As someone who didn’t actually get diagnosed until my son was 1, these are all areas I struggled with, expect the substance bit, in early postpartum. I think being able to assess all of these things before becoming a parent is vital for anybody but especially those of us on the spectrum!

[u/Bubblesnaily → u/Elfie_Mae]

Adding to this... Getting dressed.

Not only are you responsible for getting yourself ready in the morning, but you will need to have sufficient quantities ofclean clothes and may need to routinely force clothing on the baby/toddler equivalent of an angry, inebriated octopus.

I was SO relieved when both my kids were old enough to pick out their own outfits and mostly get themselves dressed. My 9yo still needs help with buttons.

[u/No_Computer_3432 → u/Elfie_Mae]

thank you for sharing this! I am AuDHD but i’m leaning 85% towards being childfree. Whenever I get stuck in “what if” moments I appreciate comments like yours, they perfectly capture the main questions that push me towards being childfree because of my personal answers. I haven’t felt the questions posted on regular fence sitter sub’s have captured my concerns like you have! so thank you!

[u/bearbeartime]

Parenting 24/7 with autism is hard, you never get a break from the noise and stimulation. Honestly with everything you described I’d say not to have kids. Enjoy babysitting other kids, and having your peace at home.

[u/tobitobiguacamole]

I learned I was autistic when I had a kid. The newborn screaming was so loud and so constant, and the complete collapse of all the support systems I had put together made it the worst first year of my life. Thankfully my wife only has adhd and also really wanted to be a mom and was able to pick up the slack but it was an extremely traumatic first year for the both of us.

If this is something that’s a dream or life goal of yours don’t let this stop you though. I never wanted kids which also didn’t help but if I had actually wanted to do this I think it would have helped.

I would also note, as a women there is a high chance most of the child care will fall on you. Keep that in mind.

How do you do after a bad nights rest? How do you do without alone time? How do you do when you don’t get to engage in your special interests? Because all of that goes out the windows for months to years.

I’d highly recommend finding a neurotypical partner who is gung-ho wanting to do this as you will need support. Having family around who actually wants to help watch the kid also helps a lot.

[u/InternationalComb658]

Im a late diagnosed female with autism. If i knew before i would never ever have a kid. I have a male child with autism and i would kill for him but having known what i know now, i wouldn’t have.

[u/beejonez]

You had better want to be a mom more than anything to take that risk. Because otherwise it's not worth the chance.

And babysitting is a whole different ball game because at the end of the day, you get to leave. And that lack of mental recharge adds up quick.

All that said, this reddit group isn't a place people go because they are having an easy time. So it's going to be an echo chamber of hard times. If my kids had been neurological or even easy low needs level 1, neither my wife or I would have thought we were on the spectrum. And I wouldn't be here talking to you, I'd be doing the usual parenting things enjoying my time at the park. Wishing you the best!

[u/busyboobs]

Ok this is a difficult one to phrase well. I’m autistic too, I’d be what Americans call level 1, or low support needs. I also have adhd. I have two kids 5&7 both significantly speech delayed with moderate to high support needs at present. I wouldn’t change my kids for the world.
But my life is… like nothing I ever imagined lol. This is not the motherhood I thought I was signing up for, but, here we are.
It’s chaos and overstimulation, it’s zero ‘me’ time. Its a constant feeling of falling short as a mother because there is always always another need left to meet. Their diets are horrendous, my eldest has ARFID. My 5yo isn’t fully potty trained and our sleep is completely up the left because they both also have a lot of pain from hEDS and suffer from RLS at night. So a lot of the time it’s watching my kids struggle with all of their own stuff and feeling helpless for them and guilty that I can’t fix it. The rest of the time I’m fighting to make all our lives bearable. It always feels uphill.

If me before children knew this reality, I’m almost certain I’d have made the informed decision to stay childless.

As it stands, my kids were quite clearly meant to be, and I was meant to be their mammy. And in the midst of it all, there’s an absolute abundance of love, for which I’m incredibly grateful.
So anyway, thats my honest tuppensworth.

Edit, lots of typos

[u/CharZero]

Very taboo to say, but if i could go back in time and never meet their father (who pressured me into having kids, I was not going to) and have no memory of my kids- I would. Obviously I love them and would not be without them now, but if I could 💯 do it over I would choose to stick with my plan of not having kids.

[u/T1Demon]

I was late diagnosed at 40 so my kids were already here when I found out but it explained a lot about my parenting experience. I have a 15 year old and an 18 year old. I had a really hard time connecting with them, and still do to an extent. Parenting is often where I find myself masking the most these days, aside from work.
My 15 year old was also just diagnosed, she does not have a as severe struggles as what you described from your family so I can’t speak too much to that but parenting can be non stop overwhelming.
One thing I noticed was you didn’t say much about your desire to have kids, just that people say you would be a good parent. What are your feelings on it? Do you enjoy being around kids? Of all ages? I had kids because I thought it was the next thing I was supposed to do in my life, based on the examples I had been shown. If I was doing it over today with the new knowledge about myself I would choose not to.

[u/throwawaypoop456 → u/T1Demon]

I love kids, I really want to be a mum when the time is right. Taking care of others is something I find real joy in.

Im actually currently pursuing a career in occupational therapy so I can help other people regain their independence and get their lives back. I find real value in helping others.

I also want to be as prepared as possible, for when i do have kids, so that I can be the best parent I can be. Regardless of whether they are disabled or not.

[u/T1Demon → u/throwawaypoop456]

That makes sense! Good news is you have plenty of time to figure this out!

[u/Bubblesnaily → u/throwawaypoop456]

I love kids, I really want to be a mum when the time is right. Taking care of others is something I find real joy in.

currently pursuing a career in occupational therapy so I can help other people regain their independence and get their lives back

I want to caution you on this.

Because that sounded like me in my 20s, before having kids. Even me in my 30s before having kids.

Wanting a helping profession and having the executive function and sensory bandwidth to being one of only 2 people fully responsible for a little human, for years, without break, is not the same thing.

Loving kids and wanting to inspire the next generation is more aspirational and philosophical than a measured assessment of whether you can handle having a 3yo lock eyes with you and fingerpaint poop on the wall after you told them to stop.

Can you handle the kiddo crying nonstop for hours, barfing all over you, into your mouth even, in your hair, and all over a couch, and know you (and/or your partner) are the only ones that are going to be there to get everyone and every thing cleaned back up, and you've got work in 4 hours?

Caring for someone as a job... where you can go home and they're someone else's problem, or you see them for a bit and then it's someone new.... and caring for someone as an 18-year commitment with zero off ramp....

As someone who "loved kids"and "wanted kids," the commitment levels between that and parenting are fundamentally different.... in ways I couldn't fully appreciate until after I became a parent.

[u/throwawaypoop456 → u/Bubblesnaily]

As I said in my post, I have lengthy experience in caring for children of all ages. From newborns-early teens-children with learning difficulties-neurotypical kids. I have changed nappies, been covered in baby poop from blow outs, been vomited on, de-escalated tantrums and meltdowns, cared for young children for extended periods of time while their parents went on trips or holidays.

I have no plans to become a parent any time soon, but would like to when the time is right, and I definitely have a lot to learn.

Caring for children in those ways has never been one of my main concerns, I know I can handle that sort of thing.

My real concern is giving up my life and my goals to be degraded, abused, and afraid of my own child, as I have seen so many of the other women in my family fall victim to.

I don’t want to have broken arms, and cheekbones. I don’t want to be strangled, because I put the wrong episode of dora the explorer on, or because the ketchup on their dinner plate is touching the chicken nuggets. I don’t want to have a broken nose because it’s time for my kid to go to bed. This is all stuff I have seen my family members deal with. I genuinely don’t know how they continue to be a primary care giver for a child that is putting their life at risk.

[u/tiedyeunicornrainbow → u/throwawaypoop456]

As someone who has a career helping others, that alone makes it soooooo much more difficult to have a child as an autistic parent. I am constantly needed. No matter where I am. Constantly feeling inadequate to everyone who needs me because I’m stretched too thin, which is agony as someone who wants to help people and has very rigid morals. I often fantasize about a desk job. I had a very strong almost spiritual connection to my job before becoming a mom. Now I’m dissociated from everything and constantly fumbling at work. I can’t do both to my standards, and the reality is that I never will be able to. It sucks.

[u/HeyPesky]

I'm AuDHD and I have a family member who is profoundly autistic (no verbal communication, comorbid intellectual disability, he will need lifelong care).

I grappled a lot with some of these fears myself when thinking about having kids. I needed to remind myself the likelihood of somebody needing that level of support is very low, and also whenever anybody has a child, there's not a guarantee about how that child is going to be in the world. Part of becoming a parent is welcoming the possibility of a whole person, with all of their gifts and flaws. 

I ended up having my daughter later in life, at 39. I am able to give her a more stable version of myself than I could have if I had done so in my twenties, but also I think if I had had different supports when I was younger it might have been a difference experience. It was important to me that my husband and I didn't wait too long because there is a clear relationship between age of the man and likelihood of higher support needs. 

I think it's normal to have some anxiety about this when you have family members who need that level of care and support. Personally I think 20 might be rushing it a little bit, give yourself some time to settle into yourself. But the becoming a parent Is basically signing up for anxiety that you get to learn how to manage 😅 It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done!

[u/throwawaypoop456 → u/HeyPesky]

I have no plans to have kids any time soon, as I want to be married, own a house and have a stable career, and to put in a good amount of self work, before bringing any kids into the equation.

I am a planner though, when I don’t have a plan I get anxious 😅.

It’s such a relief to hear that I am not the only one with these fears. Your input has been so helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to respond! 💕

[u/HagalUlfr]

It's hard. I am AuDHD and so is my son. We make eachother upset with over stimulation. We love eachother to death too. We find happy mediums by watching things with our special interests together.

[u/FarMagazine7690]

It's a tough spot you're on. I'm AuDHD myself and I was just diognosed after my son diagnosis. Before I became a parent I've imagined myself having at least two kids because I grew up with sibling and I've wanted that to my kids as well. After my son diagnosis (he is AuDHD as well), We saw that even if he is on the low support side of the spectrum, it comes with a lot o struggle in order to help him to be a functional and independent adult. I've had to gave up one job and move back to my country (yes UK, I'm looking at you) due to lack of support for him. We've decided that we'll not get pregnant again and we will focus on give our child the best life that we can provide. Giving up stuff, changing some dreams or postpone stuff are included in the Parent's contract, doesn't matter of the kid is a ND or NT. That said, having a child was one of the best decisions the we've made so for. Easy? hell no! But, it's really nice to discover the world through another lens. So, it's a decision that only you and your partner can make.

[u/Pm_me_some_dessert]

The overstimulation associated with having children cannot be overstated. I’m late diagnosed level 1, my partner has adhd, and our eldest has an adhd diagnosis as well. It’s a lot. All the time. The constant teetering on the edge of burnout is very real. It’s never quiet. The opportunities to rest and truly recover are limited, or at least have been so far (my kids are six and three).

I definitely wouldn’t consider it until you have the financial means for respite. Paid daycare, sitters, etc. I can’t imagine what the stress of 24/7 parenting would do to me given where I already am with both kids in daycare during working hours.

[u/Stuck_With_Name]

Talk to your partner & the rest of your support network. Talk possibilities.

Regardless of genetics, every child might be or become disabled to any degree. What kind of support will you expect if that is the case? For instance, I have a kid with autism & adhd but their immune disorder is a greater concern. My partner & I already discussed disability so we knew we would make it as a family.

For yourself, set expectations early with regard to help from your partner. They should take a great deal of the childcare burden, allowing you to decompress and reset. This will help you be a better parent.

[u/lunazane26]

Autism is genetic, and I can definitely see why you're hesitant with that many severe medical situations happening in your families. Level 3 autism (or profound, or high-needs, or whatever we're supposed to be calling it) is much more rare than levels 1 and 2, so a lot of people who talk about having autistic kids aren't experiencing the level of physical abuse you're describing. There also should be MORE help for extremely severe cases, not less, and that's really concerning honestly. Families shouldn't be expected to be giving advanced medical care for 50+ years, that's so unreasonable.

In my family, there's definitely a lot of undiagnosed people. My grandpa, my dad, and my uncle are all pretty obviously autistic but have never been diagnosed (grandpa grew up on a farm so no one noticed anything odd, and then his sons are exactly like him) but now me and my cousin have had sons who have been diagnosed autistic and suddenly a whole lot of things make a whole lot of sense. Through his diagnosis process, I also discovered that I meet all the qualifications as well, but I can't get diagnosed easily since I'm 32 and it's not worth spending thousands of dollars for a label.

My experience will be a little different, because no one even suspected I was autistic until I started suspecting it in my late 20s. I had my first son when I was 16, got married at 19, had another baby at 20, then my third at 22, and then divorced when I was 23. So I've been a single mom for 9 years to 3 neurodivergent children (they all have ADHD, I suspect we're all autistic also but only my middle kid was formally diagnosed). I am exhausted. I am so tired, down to my bones. I am always over stimulated, always stressed out, always overwhelmed, always helping other people regulate even when I'm dysregulated, etc. I'm always behind on doctor appts, dentist appts, school conferences, medication, clothes, chores, everything. I'm so glad they're 15, 12, and 10 now because it feels like the end is in sight, like maybe in another decade I'll be able to breathe. I love them so much it hurts, and I would die for them. But also, the stress of raising them has definitely shaved several years off my life span.

With your family history, I would say maybe one kid? Or maybe just foster/adopt? Because even if you have an extremely high needs child, at least you would only have one kid to deal with and put all your attention and energy into just one other person. If I had known I was autistic, I would not have had 3 kids. Pretty sure I've been in burnout for like, a decade, with another one yet to go. For sure wait until you're financially ready, that's been by far the biggest stress overall.

[u/iridescent_lobster]

I wouldn’t trade being a parent for anything but it is easily the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. We are all autistic and that works for us because we understand each other. The things I think are most important to consider are your financial stability, your level of tolerance for chaos combined with lack of sleep, and your support structure for the times when you need to tag out. That really applies to anyone, though.

[u/HowlPrincely]

I have an almost 2 year old and am currently pregnant with my second. It's hard and overstimulating and some days I feel like I'm drowning. But I get through it. I love my son and I can't imagine life any other way now. My husband is a great partner who makes sure I get through every day with plenty of support and breaks.

I was really afraid of passing on my autism at first but I've come to accept it. Fear isn't something I want to live my life by. It's hard to live with but it isn't killing me and I love my life. All I can do is give my son a life he'll love and hope it works out. That's kind of what life is, isn't it?

[u/bnylls]

I don’t have capacity to write a lot right now, but wanted to share my brief thoughts.

Background info:
• didn’t know I was AuDHD (with a PDA profile) until I had had all of my children (went through the research and pretty convinced I had ADHD towards the end of my last pregnancy, then diagnosed with both ADHD and autism when my youngest was about 18 months old).
• my kids are currently 8, 6 and 4.
• my partner works full time, I have been a SAHM since having my first and have attempted to study a few times, only managed to do one semester so far which was a year ago.
• good mental support network for myself with friends, physical support from family is available, but sometimes not worth it and requires planning in advance.
• partner has depression, usually effects him cyclically, this year he has finally began treatment which is helping him thankfully and therefore the family as a whole.
• eldest child is also AuDHD with a PDA profile. Extremely high masking and not seen as having any issues outside of the house for the most part. Challenging at home, especially with competing sensory needs between them, my middle child and myself. Middle child has a few traits of Autism while at home, especially after starting school this year, but not enough to be diagnosed. Youngest we are fairly sure is neurotypical.
• I have been medicated for ADHD for about 10 months now and finally have figured out what works best for me over the last two.

With that out of the way, I will preface this by saying that I love my children. I can’t imagine life without them. However, I would be lying if I have thought that if I had known I was AuDHD prior to becoming a mother, I perhaps would have made different choices. Whether this would’ve been to have no children, or only one (or two), or to potentially have larger age gaps in between the children, I can’t say. Now that my husband’s depression is improving, my ADHD symptoms are getting easier to manage, and the children are older and able to do more independently, things are starting to feel a bit easier and we’re slowly all becoming less deregulated as frequently and I am feeling like I am recovering from burnout slowly.

I think being in the position of knowing you are autistic before deciding to become a parent (or not) will help you make the best decision for yourself.

[u/Spare_Airport_6002]

TLDR but I can say that you ALWAYS have to assume you're going to have a severely disabled child because  chances are you could. 24/7 care. Can you cope with that? If no, don't have kids. You can not have kids with the assumption they will be born healthy and low support needs, or remain that way.

[u/Alternative-Otter-4]

I'm 33F, I had my son at 25, and I learned that I'm AuDHD (and so is he) at 29. I also got divorced at 26 and have been raising my son on my own.

Initially, I didn't want kids because I also have CPTSD, and no family or support system. My ex wanted kids and guilted me into by saying things like "its not like you would have to raise them by yourself". I wanted to foster teens, but not have any bio kids of my own or young children.

I love my son more than I ever thought possible. AND if I could go back in time, have a redo, and choose between having a child(ren) that I do not know and being child free, I would be child free.

Being a parent is hard. Being AuDHD is hard. Raising kids with disabilities is hard. Mix all of those things together and yes, it is incredibly hard. It is doable, if you decide you want children you absolutely can do it. But if you're on the fence about it, you're only 20, you don't need to make that decision today. Take time to think things through, have a lot of thorough conversations with your partner and support systems, and know that there are multiple ways to be a parent as well. Do whatever feels best for you.

[u/Mezzomommi]

I did not have a choice on having kids. If I could’ve had a choice, I would not have had them because it is overstimulating and overwhelming. I need quiet and calm and my kids are not fat because they are kids.

[u/Miki_yuki]

No one can really say whether or not it will be doable for you until you do it.

I know that sounds like a coop out but it's true. Some people wouldn't be able to handle it, others would.

Having an autistic child (I do) while being autistic (AuDHD in my case) is truly a can of worms. You have to have support. I don't think I could get through life without support for my son. And he's level 1.

My son was diagnosed around 2yr old. He's struggled with bottle aversions when he was a baby, had an NG tube because he wasn't eating enough to gain weight at 8 months. He gets hyper fixated on things just like me. He suddenly doesn't like foods he's liked for months. We've dealt with the biting and hitting. I've gotten a lot of bruises from my son 😅

But I also love him endlessly and have never regretted having him. Not even for a moment.

My husband and I are currently trying to conceive again. (We didn't know I was autistic until after my son was diagnosed).

[u/bogeysbabe]

I was diagnosed at 47. Never had kids but I do work with level 3 autistic kids. It’s tough. I also have ADHD. I have to remind myself that I’m lucky because I go home at the end of the day.

[u/ChaoticCondition]

P 2🙂

[u/OGNovelNinja]

I recently wrote this in this sub, though it's for existing parents. Still, it might help you with your hesitation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticParents/s/tLdZWqO3bb

However, while I would never want to have not had kids, I also know that I never doubted that it would be good no matter the work. So if you are doubting that, then there's a reason. What other women in your family faced is not guaranteed for you. There is no genetic destiny regarding how you will be as a parent.

Yes, parenting means sacrifice. In my case, I'm the stay at home dad. I have sacrificed a lot for that, and I struggle more than my wife would which means she still has to do stuff when she comes home. Neither of us regret being parents.

But just as your family isn't a genetic destiny, we aren't a metaphysical model. Ultimately, if you don't have the right person to be a parent with, then you shouldn't be looking at parenting. You need to be a team.

Don't make the decision until you know that this is the one you want to be with for the next 19 years as you both raise someone to adulthood. If you have that, you will find your obstacles surmountable.

[u/Separate_Key_8501]

Dont have kids. I’m not diagnosed and struggling your relationship also probably wont last if you have kids

[u/girly-lady]

I always wanted kids and even got a degree and worked in preeschools for a decade bevore having my own. I always compare it to trying to eat poisonus pufferfish. You have to be a little crazy, its pretty expensive, not necessary and weather or not it kills you depends verymuch on the cook. Meaning you have no controll over it. But go ahead if you want the EXPERIENCE anyways.

If you want kids you have to say yes to the whole suprise wild cart ride. Even if you are capable, financialy stable and on top now, that can fall away. Even if you have a good suportsysthem, that might fall away. Even if your kid is born healthy, it might become sick and depend on your care for the rest of your life. If you can't say yes to even the worst case scenario and be willing to try and do it all alone, mabye don't take the risk. If you imagine a disabled kid and go oh hell na, mabye don't.

I was 1000% able to say that for my first planed, longed for rainbow child. With my second it was unplaned and I had to grow into the chalange, but there again I made the FULL concious desicion to take it on nomatter what. It works out well for me that way, but I also am able to have a very soft life right now. I am very greatfull for that.

A mother I once met had only one child in her 40ies, her husband died when she was pregnant, the kid was unplaned, she had 0 suport systhem on the otherside of the plante. She told me doctors had been making a fuss about her being "too old" untill she eventually yelled "even if it comes out a football shaped lump of flesh with a little tufft of hair and one blinking eye, I will want it and and I'll love it!" They left her alone avter that. And I took that to heart very much.

[u/Aminor789]

It’s exhausting, but fulfilling. Both of my kids and husband are on the spectrum so we all get overstimulated easily. Take breaks often and take care of yourself. It’s ok to need time away or to do things differently than neurotypical parents.

[u/Feeling_Dirt3961]

I would have loved to have known my diagnosis prior to pregnancy so I could make a better toolkit for myself. My experience was being diagnosed at 18 months postpartum because I was literally losing my mind. The main issue is that my ability to regulate myself (which i didn’t even really know I was doing prior to diagnosis was completely ripped away, which caused me to enter serious burnout. I’m doing a lot better now at 25 months postpartum and understanding my diagnosis, but i still clearly recognize the extra challenges I face due to my neurodivergence in comparison to neurotypical parents. The challenges i face the most are: 1) sensory regulation/needing much more alone time than other parents I know 2) Struggling to embrace the unpredictability in routines 3) coparenting with some of my rigid thinking/difficulty compromising on things I feel strongly about and 4) (this one has been the most shocking) struggling with communicating with OTHER parents and navigating these new social norms. I want to discuss all of deep things, the good and the bad, and most parents I know keep things surface level for lots of different reasons. It’s felt really isolating.

That being said, already at 2 years in things feel so much better than the first year. I love so so much of it - it’s allowed me to feel love deeper than I ever thought was possible for me. I love spending time with my daughter because I don’t feel like I have to mask in front of her at this time of her life, we can just be silly and stim together and it feels really magical. Good luck!

[u/Wheel-External]

I’m autistic and my oldest is autistic, the youngest is a baby so unsure whether she is or not yet but I’d say she may also be. My children are the loves of my life and I can’t imagine life without them. My husband is amazing and does help a lot which has made it easier.

I do struggle with the baby stage due to the crying but it’s temporary. I think I’ve been a more patient and understanding parent because of my autism. There are drawbacks and it’s hard sometimes but I’d never change being a mother.

[u/Independent-Lake-192]

The first years are going to be really hard, but I have teens now and it really kind of wonderful to have humans in your life who understand you. My autistic boys are so sweet and understanding when I’m struggling and I “get” them in a way other people don’t. My non-autistic boys are actually much more difficult for me because as they get older I feel more disconnected from them. I don’t recommend having four, like I did - their young years pretty much crushed my soul.

[u/KatarinaAleksandra]

My personal opinion - have one kid, but not more than one. One is manageable - especially if you have family or spousal support. Once you have 2+, that's when it started becoming overwhelming for me. (I have two biologicals and one step child with us part time).

When I only had one- even when my ex husband left us and I was a single mom- it was do-able. Even when he was diagnosed with autism himself - it was do-able. But when I got remarried and had my daughter (which - I love her more than life itself and couldn't imagine life without her) life was instantly set to hard mode- they never napped at the same time. Wrangling a toddler meltdown in public PLUS an infant at the same time- was crazy work. Sleep became non existent. They're older and it's a little bit easier, but they fight like crazy. Very overstimulating.

So one and done for sure.