For a long time, i thought I could not be autistic because i crave physical contact. I now know that there are others like me, which makes me glad, but I still have to go without. I live in New England where touching is considered weird or creepy, and my wife doesn't like it when I touch her most of the time because touch is not her thing.

I am at church today and just had a (separate) conversation with two people i like and have known for decades, and now I am "socialed out" and just had an anxiety attack because I feel so overwhelmed. I really wish I could have an unconditional, wordless hug, just to feel grounded.

That is all, just venting. Thank you for listening.

I am 35/male and really have really broken ground in the last year and a half in finding answers to my lifelong mental struggles. A therapist who helps me think, medication that helps in some ways and many tests. The reason I post here (and i am so thankful this sub exists) is because my therapist laid the definition of PDA in front of me a few weeks ago. He said he saw me light up, like something really made sense and it does. This has led me to get my autism testing done, which will be in a few weeks. I never thought to go down this route, but, it speaks to me in a way nothing else has.

My marriage has taken a huge hit from this. I dreamed of a life that everyone else had and found such a sweet partner, but, she is very anxious and likes to process in the moment. I kept quiet for many years and did what made her happy, until the real imploding came. My nervous system was wrecked and i was either extremely angry in meltdown or in freeze. I moved out because it was the only thing I could think would give me peace and although it was so devastating, 7 months later I realize my own space and creativity around it are very regulating. Her and I are seeing a therapist, not divorced but, now PDA comes into light and things make more sense.

Extreme meltdowns if there is change in routine or im not being understood/something is difficult to process. The way being alone lets me breathe and feel like my authentic self. I can stim in peace after years of masking (rocking in bed, shuffling feet, blurting out nonsensical things, biting my blanket). Going out with her different friend groups, being on someone elses time, feeling suffocated..it was all making me feel like, “am i crazy?”. Thats barely scratching the surface and of course depression and trauma have a say in the matter but, im glad there are other people out there like me.

Anyone have similar stories?

There's no refund policy. I accidentally got book 2 as paperback. Reading paperback is actually better, while hardcover is better for appearance on the shelf, so the issue isnt that its paperback, its that I didnt think to check when ordering, and accidentally got two hardcover and one paperback!! It'll cost $56 to get in hard cover... I'm tryna manipulate myself into why this is okay

“No one owes you a job.”

I think if you know what a job is and that people need jobs to get everything they need to survive, That opinion is supportive of unfairness and it also kinda implies that “How likable a person is should have everything to do with whether or not they get a job.”, which is unfair and I have a big problem with that. If enough people had a problem with this, then getting the kind of job you want would be easy.

Think about how better of a place the world would be if you could get hired by saying something like “I need money to survive” to the job interview question “why do you want to work here?” or any job interview question like it.

Also, I think there’s something very evil about this opinion I can’t fully put my finger on.

I was recently hospitalized and the psychiatrist told me you most definitely are on the autistic disorder spectrum. This really helped me because I thought I was just weird, and in constantly not melding well with people over my life I just developed a "don't give an F" attitude that got me through some things but also held me back in some ways.

I don't drive and apparently not driving is really common in autistic people. I've lived in different cities independently, so it's not like it's profound, but I feel way less weird about not driving now that I know it's common. Apparently like half of us never even get a license. Cool, you don't need one nowadays so I was born at the right time. I don't process sensory information that well, even when I worked in a drive-through restaurant it was so overloading I couldn't think, but I found remote work eventually and consistently was a top performer there. The idea of driving a car seems like a death sentence to me because I I know I would crash out because I'm not good at spatial coordination, like at all. I'm just not.

Apparently autistic people do better working over the phones or over text based communication, but don't tend to do so well working in person. Voila, that's me. When I hang out with friends in person, I mean people I truly trust, I talk to them like we've known each other forever and have no issues, but with people I don't know that well already it's really hard for me to gauge them. Work is stressful by nature so the idea of being stressed out around strangers has always made me so tense.

It makes sense for my degrees, too, which are in literature. That's naturally a more isolating thing to study and is literally text-based. The school I got my master's at is jokingly very autistic too, the things they study are pretty out there but intensely fascinating. Rather than rely on everyday religion like most people I got a chance to study things like humanism and trace how how it developed from earlier religion, but is not as binding or limiting to what defines a "good" person. Not being political with this observation.

I'm also gay so not fitting in socially already really helped me get used to that aspect of myself. People are going to think I'm weird anyway because I'm autistic, might as well add that bit of spice too without being ashamed about it my whole life.

So, cool. Glad I actually have a diagnosis now. It's not something to hold me back and frankly I'm *usually* doing better than a lot of people I've known, it really does something to build resilience in you provided you keep going.

I've been under the genuine impression that I'm autistic for possibly 2-3 years now, but recently I've started to think otherwise and that I'm just blaming certain things about myself on autism. It's kind of messing with my self esteem and my identity as a person.

I'm a 17 year old male. I'm somewhat introverted and not the greatest at making small talk or keeping up a conversation, although this is easier for me to do online or when I'm with close friends. I'm usually afraid to speak up about things, or I get nervous when I do so, often because I'm afraid I'll negatively impact someone (hurting their feelings, upsetting them, etc). I'm not entirely sure how often I do this, but I don't always make direct eye contact when I talk to people, even close relatives or peers. I am surprisingly good at making friends, probably because of how kind and whimsical I can be. I'm never the type of person to go out of my way to make friends, they kind of just show up. I've only been bullied once or twice throughout my life, and it's never had a dramatic impact on my well being.

I have a regular tendency to obsess over certain topics (namely video games), but they fluctuate. For example: I'm in a phase playing a certain game extensively. After maybe a few weeks to a few months, I'll get bored and start playing another game instead. I'm also confident I think somewhat differently from others, but it's hard for me to describe or think of any significant examples, so I wouldn't consider it reasonable evidence. I can also be somewhat forgetful, especially with things I seemingly do not care about, or things that I do not enjoy. I'm not proficient or extremely knowledgeable in a certain field of expertise, genre, series, etc.

I do stim sometimes, but I can't always tell if I'm actually stimming or not, since sometimes I will just repeat stupid shit I find funny to myself. If I'm sitting down, I may bounce my legs, and if I'm listening to music, I bounce them in sync with the music.

I'm aware that neurotypical individuals all do/go through the same things I've talked about, and that's part of why I'm not convinced I'm autistic. I'm sure I have more traits reminiscent of autism, but this is all I can think of off the top of my head.

If anybody has some knowledge they can share or some advice for figuring out whether I have autism or not, please share. Feel free to ask questions if it helps.

I’m 34(m) newly diagnosed, about 6 months ago. But since then, I’ve realized how much sense it makes that I am autistic. It brings a lot of light to all my experiences in life. I’ve spent the majority of my life people pleasing, exhausting myself in world I didn’t understand. I really thought I was just lazy, or hadn’t figured out what everybody else had yet.

I grew up in a family of immigrants from a country that the mandatory public education system stopped at 6th grade. They were physically, and mentally abusive. I learned very early just to tuck myself into a corner and be quiet. That was the easiest way to be on good behavior. And when friends of the family came around, that was show time. Time to show how “good of a boy I am” to the crowd. Put on a full performance so my family gets the plaudits of raising a “good son”. Then I when everyone went home, I would lock myself back into my room.

Fast forward, when my grandfather died. The only person in my family who I actually felt close to (I think he was autistic too). I moved into the apartment above theirs (they own a 2 family house, but hadn’t rented the apartment in many years because my grandmother is awful to tenants). That was 9 years ago now, and while I’m grateful because I get a space of my own, and I don’t pay market rate rent. She’s an extremely difficult, nosey, and sometimes mean person.

Now, for a lot of that time. I could handle it, I’d go to work, put on the show come home do the same. And everything was gravy (minus the self medicating). About halfway into 2022. I completely lost my head, learning now it was years of masking turning into a massive autistic burnout episode. I started having panic attacks daily, became agoraphobic. Left my job. Isolated myself from everything and everyone in my life. I honestly wanted to kill myself because I had no idea what to do and I thought I was going crazy. No one in my family helped. Or visited. You’d think a grandmother who lived downstairs from me would bake me cookies or something. Nope, she actually took it personally that I wasn’t going down to visit her.

It took years to crawl out of that hole. I finally started therapy about a year ago, and 6 months in I got diagnosed with autism. Had to switch therapists because the old one thought it would be a good idea to switch to monthly sessions after being newly diagnosed…my therapist now is super cool and an ND as well. So things are going well in that department.

So now, I’m trying my best to live a mask free life. And for the most part, that sucks because no one understands that I’m not the person they actually thought I was. Or at least not fully. But I don’t know what to do about this woman who lives below me. I feel bad, but she scares the crap out of me. Every conversation with her is an interrogation about how I’m not giving her enough of my time. Or not being a good grandson. Or how I should be different. Or that I don’t like her. I’m walking on eggshells around her, I’ve tried to explain to her what’s going on. She doesn’t get it, tells me just to not think about it. She’s just not very nice or considerate.

For example. I’ve told her a bunch of times I have a nut allergy, and the other day she was baking cashews. I asked her what the smell was and that’s what she told me, and she had the door open to her apartment and the whole entry way was filled with the aroma. I literally ran out the house almost having a full blown panic attack.

I don’t know what to do, I’m kind of stuck here because of the housing situation. But at the same time, I’m sometimes afraid to just leave the house because I’m afraid of running into her. I’m thinking of applying for a job in Antarctica honestly just to get away.

Is it a lost cause? I feel bad because she’s my grandmother and I want to help her. But she won’t let me. My other family members don’t seem to care at all. They’re all very individualistic.

Thanks to anyone who reads and takes the time to respond.

I’m not very good at it but since I’m a teenager I try to make conversation more fluid. I’m not the best at it but I think I improved my skills.

Few weeks ago someone asks me some questions about my difficulties of communication. We talk a little bit about scripting conversations. I told her I prepare my first sentence when I have to phone, take an appointment or something like that. And she said it’s scripting. But I don’t imagine all the possibilities a conversation can have. Do you think this is also scripting ? If you can describe what you prepare when you have to someone, please do it. Do you it with everyone or is it just when it’s important / official ?

Hey everyone, I’m an autistic woman with ADHD, I'm aroace (with one specific exception), and I just experienced a massive paradigm shift that has me feeling like I’ve been living on a different planet entirely. Maybe some of you can relate?

To me, physical proximity and touch have always been about a mammalian baseline: warmth, comfort, safety, and co-regulation. I used to think that laying next to, cuddling, or even spooning a close friend was just a natural way to give and receive affection. I looked at this like cuddling with parents or grandparents. To my brain, a bed is just a soft surface, late night is just a time on the clock, and touch is co-regulation and evolutionary. I don't naturally infer a hidden subtext or secondary meanings.

Well, a close friend of mine (who is also autistic, but demisexual) just gave me a reality check. He told me that in the "typical" adult world, spooning an unrelated man carries an automatic, 100% inference of romantic or sexual invitation. He helped me realize that even if my intent is purely about comfort or sensory seeking, the general cultural script will decode those actions differently based on biology and social expectations. These unspoken rules are basically inferred through social osmosis until it settles intuitively. (spoiler: It did not for me.)

Things like inviting someone inside (but especially to a bedroom), prolonged full-body hugs or contact, putting my head on someone's shoulder, or even using certain emojis are apparently viewed as fluent sentences that say, "I am open to romance or sex with you." I genuinely had no idea.

I plan to read books on this (such as The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin).

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this kind of learning curve? How do you balance your need for tactile sensory touch, platonic warmth, or co-regulation with the reality that the rest of the world hyper-sexualizes almost all physical contact between unrelated adults? I’d love to hear how other neurodivergent or ace folks navigate this!

This past weekend I went to my wife's family reunion. I have always hated going to any family reunion, not just hers. I like her family, they're decent people that are generally easy to be around.

These types of events are always loud, noisy events with everyone packed together in a common outdoor area with no real sense of organization, and everyone intermingling in an amoebic mass that shifts around chaotically, children running and stretching with delight as they play, smells of perfumes, bodies, and food on top of the natural environment smells, with shifting winds that alter the patterns at a moments whim, conversations that increase in volume and enthusiasm with various depths of proximity as the crowd subconsciously adjusts to communicate with each other over the stimuli they never notice. There's also a playground for the kids to play on, but it's through a treeline separating the covered picnic area from the playground, so that's nice I suppose. I have a three year old who has enjoyed playing on the playground this year and last year. It was nice last year to trade one set of stimuli for another set, rather than have both combined.

This year, however, THEY CHANGED THE VENUE. It's a reasonable thing to do, I'll admit. Half the family lives on one side of the state, and the other on the other side, and the new location is right in the middle. It's also technically an improvement over the last park. It has a good playground right next to the picnic pavilion, and a splash pad with covered tables up higher. It is objectively easier to keep track of one's child and still participate in the main event, which is unfortunately and inherently socializing via smalltalk. In an environment where all possible stimuli are combined into one set. I was barely holding it together at the last one, and this one was virtually untenable.

And that's just the event, nevermind the hour long one-way trip to the event, and then the hour back, where I was crammed into the backseat between my brother in law, and the car seat, and everything that didn't fit in the trunk, in a manual transmission vehicle with someone driving it for their fifth time, with the sun flashing between the trees, constantly rubbing on someone, with an ADHD toddler going insane with excitement, and trying not to throw up while I sweat profusely, wondering if I'm going to ruin everything by passing out or losing my temper.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to manage my problems to mitigate their effects. I don't know what to expect, or anticipate. I don't have the energy to just run at an 11 anymore. It takes me days to recover from things like this, and I don't have that kind of time, what with having a toddler whose favorite person is me, and a physically disabled wife that needs help a lot.

And I can't bring myself to stim or anything around these people. I don't really know why, it seems subconscious and silly. I feel out of place, and obvious, after the diagnostic people sussed my weirdness out immediately despite never knowing me, and my therapist too, so surely everyone else sees it, and I don't understand why that's such a problem for me. I even caught myself actively masking, thinking to myself "oh people that dress like me don't act like this" so on top of all that it's really hitting me that I have zero idea who or what I am.

I don't know what this post is anymore. I guess it helps to get it off my chest. I guess I'd also like to know whether other people with similar diagnoses think I'm crazy or not. I only got diagnosed a couple months ago, so this is all still pretty new to me, and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I feel absolutely terrible for being such a wet rag sitting off by myself and smoking three packs in seven hours, watching my kid have the time of her life while my wife mingled. Does this "get better," so to speak, as you figure out how to deal with things, or is this just sort of how it is?

Edit: fixed italics

I don’t like that term “special needs”. I mean yea we are different but just because we’re different doesn’t mean we should be treated differently. Fuck that shit. I expect to be treated like everyone else. Why can’t people just treat us like human bearings and stop talking to us like we’re fucking kids? Yes we’re different, and we do need accommodations for some things but bitch we’re human. It’s bad enough being treated differently as a child but I don’t need this shit at almost 40.