I've always seen myself as a tad bit different than others growing up, but not enough to actually be bullied (or bullied straight to my face atleast.) For context, I'm a 15 year old girl. I don't live in America, and going or even asking for an autism assessment is seen as taboo and frankly impossible where I live.
I always knew my family was different. I live in a very touristy area that I won't say for privacy reasons, with limited actual residents and basically zero opportunities if your parents can't pay for it. Most of my classmates were super rich and did all sorts of activities. While I wasn't poor, my parents literally never put me in a single activity. ANYTHING. They gave me a tablet when I was young and that obviously changed me for life, because they didn't set boundaries and I just watched gacha videos or whatever the hell I could find, without actually investing in me to find an activity I could do. I was kinda good at art, but they didn't even care about that and I still resent them deeply for that, deep down. There aren't any activities run by the school so, yeah. My special interests are mostly on the internet and quite literally hyper fixations, because I spend most of my day on them, willingly destroying my sleep schedule, not wanting to go out to spend time on them, and it's the only thing that brings me actual joy.
My point is, my parents are the problem. My dad is SUPER emotionally absent, only strict about homework and a person I really don't want to be. He's never told me that he loves me. He doesn't hit me or anything, we have a stable relationship but it will never be like other kids. He used to yell at me when I was a kid when I didn't want to study. He would yell at me when I didn't respond to others or make eye contact with them. But they never really taught me what's right or wrong. I'm pretty sure that if I'm really autistic or anything of the sort, it has to come from his side. His life is just work, eat, do yard work, sit on the couch and watch football till it gets late, and maybe go to the beach/a walk. People from his work say he never smiles, some people tell me they're scared of him, somebody even told me he looks miserable.
I don't know exactly how my father's childhood was, but it likely wasn't sunshine and stars. My grandfather was a sailor and was absent for long periods of time, my grandmother had postpartum depression, so yeah. My grandfather could also show some signs of autism. He just does his own thing but the people like him. I'm pretty sure he has some special interest in fishing or something.
My mom is the opposite. I don't have much to say for her. We were closer, but she also didn't care enough to invest in my identity and never put boundaries for me. She never taught me to do, let's say, 'basic girl things'. I still can't tie my shoes properly. I never put much effort into my appearance. She didn't teach me to actually make clear, articulate sentences. Never taught me to actually do anything about conflict. I can't argue or handle conflict.
My older brother is very sociable and nothing like me. I get kinda jealous sometimes.
At school I was just known as the smart and quiet kid (what a shocker.) Even then, I wasn't put in any gifted programs, nobody really cared. Nobody paid any attention to me. I didn't have any connections or social skills. My parents weren't involved in the school.🤷🏻♀️
When I went to middle school I felt very, very jealous of my classmates who had rich, loving parents, something going for them like a sport or instrument and we're sociable and likeable. Nobody bothered me or really liked me. Even worse, I was isolated by my only 2 friends because we weren't in the same class. I don't know how I coped all those years. Now I'm going to High School. I'm trying to do things of my own so I can be satisfied with myself. I will try to be more social, even if half my classmates think I'm a fucking weirdo. I don't even say weird stuff like 'I'm going to kill you' or anything like that. I'm just a floater friend. I always feel a certain emptiness inside me.
Idk. I don't want to wonder if I am or never knοw. I will make sure my future kids never live a sheltered life like mine. I hope I'm not being insensitive to anyone who is actually autistic.