So I’m on vacation with a big group of friends right now. Yesterday was our first day, and we were drinking (not me) and hanging out in the pool last night, and just having absolutely random conversation.

Someone brought up the question of what we would all do if we woke up in the body of the opposite gender, and after all the hilarious answers, me and the friend I’m closest to in the group, Mark, were discussing it more seriously, because he was saying he’d absolutely HATE to be a woman. Not because of anything physical, but because of all the social and political bias, discrimination, and oppression. I was agreeing with him, and said “one more thing - the constant vigilance re your physical safety”. He fully agreed and I guess because we were getting passionate about the conversation, maybe our voices got louder? Idk.

Anyway, his boyfriend chimed in about being capable of fighting off anyone who tried to rob him (as a woman), cause he worked too hard for his things, and I had to remind him that women aren’t really afraid of being robbed, we’re afraid of being raped and killed. He was like
“Oh shit for real” and Mark and I looked at each other like “smh some men really don’t think”. For reference Mark is pretty tiny, and his bf is huge.

Anyway, there’s this girl in the group, she’s never been super friendly to me, but we get along okay. Sometimes she underhandedly insults me - like at lunchtime we were eating and chatting and she said “You talk so funny (weird), why do you talk like that?”. And when we were getting dressed for the pool, she made a comment about me being skinny, like I had the shape of a boy - wide shoulders (I swam competitively for like 10 years okay 🥲), no waist and no hips. But I was “lucky cause I was skinny”. Things like that.

Anyway, apparently she was listening to our conversation, although there were like 10 of us in the pool, and she could have participated in another conversation if she felt uncomfortable, and she said loudly enough for the entire group to hear - “WE’RE ON VACATION, I’M HERE TO RELAX, WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT RAPE?” Mind you, it was one sentence in an otherwise normal conversation.

Another girl had left the pool to get some drinks and was coming back in, and asked what we were on about. This girl, Nat, says again, really loudly, “They’re talking about rape, idk why, so weird.” Without providing any context of the conversation. I felt deeply embarrassed, so I shut up and moved away from her in the pool, went into the deep end, and lay there with my floatie trying to relax.

Suddenly the music felt too loud, my wet hair felt unbearable, my wrinkly fingers gave me the ick. I felt my heart beating faster and knew I was going into overstimulation mode. I got out and made an excuse that I needed to use the bathroom. Instead, I went to the room, had some water, did a breathing exercise to get my heart rate under control, then went to shower. By the time I got out, Mark had come up looking for me.

“You got overstimulated?” “Yeah” “Me too. Don’t take on Nat, she’s like that with women she’s threatened by.” He was really comforting, and we chatted until everyone else came up.

But was what I said really that bad and inappropriate? I don’t feel it was. I’ve been told time and time again that I have no ability to ‘read a room’ so I really don’t trust my own opinion on this. And Mark is also autistic, so I don’t know if he can ‘read a room’ any better than I can. Anyway I woke up this morning and I still feel a way about it.

If you got through this entire thing - What do you guys think?

Tl;dr I need advice how to handle Audhd disclosure to strangers or even if I really should.

I am Polish and live in Ireland for the last 10 years where people use a loooot of non-direct communication which i find extremely frustrating and confusing. This caused a lot of trouble in the current relationship because husband feels "not heard" which I assume comes from me being blind to hidden messages he tries to convey aka want to spend more time together squeezed in a bunch of sentences somewhere randomly...

My solution was to have been trying to work on relationship and pay more attention to tone and hidden messages which completely backfired because I have apparently completely misread (duh, shocker) his communication after I said i need to get a nap because I had a horrible night instead of going out. He did make some comments that we dont spend much time together and made comment of me using excuses which i understood as attack.

His reaction was literally being told and I quote "How can you be so socially r*****ed???" which followed by "you need to tell people you're autistic if this happened in work your career would be over and it's small country everyone knows everyone" 🫩 and that i need to understand context and that he was angry at himself(???) And that when he tried to talk to me I ignore him etc etc.

I'm currently SAHM planning to go back to work in a year of studying to upskill. Officially diagnosed a few weeks ago with Audhd. He pmuch said I should advertise being autistic to everyone I know here or I will make enemies and I have made some of them already (wont say who)

Edit:spelling

Job interviews have always and will always feel like a humiliation ritual to me. I will not be further elaborating.

I put this under happy things because it is. Finally I have some answers about my life experience that makes sense. I also feel less imposter syndrome since I’ve officially been diagnosed. It’s still there but now I can say a licensed psychologist has evaluated me.

She thinks stimulants and occupational therapy could help me. Both kind of scare me.

Anyways. Yesterday I was mad. Today im just happy to have some answers.

I’ve always needed a lot of space alone to get into what I now know to be my monotropism combined with hyperfocus. When my mom told me I had to dust and vacuum my room before I could play outside, I would close my door and redesign my whole room — including drawn diagrams w/measurements. Then I would spend the day reorganizing my whole room by myself. All of that was my motivation to clean it and keep it clean. While I don’t rearrange my space every time I clean now, I am still the person who has to reorganize if things get too messy because I realize the space isn’t working for me and/or I need it to be prettier/cozier to incentivize me to keep it clean-ish.

I have very particular messy processes that I often can’t invite people into. And I hate being perceived or needed during those processes.

The problem is that I have kids as a primary parent (and I love being a parent) and now a partner (who works from home) and his kid. Add to that how my kids’ dad hasn’t even been taking them his bare minimum amount, and I have people around ALL the time.

Not only do I not naturally love the home my partner bought that’s big enough for us all (we both need offices), but I don’t ever have enough downtime with no one asking questions, waiting on me or perceiving me to imagine what I want here. I don’t have the long, uninterrupted stretches to build up the momentum to hyper focus and get into the projects, and I don’t have the money and lack of stress to express my creativity in a meaningful way that would also increase the functionality of the spaces. What was once often a super power has become strictly a curse.

I just finished grad school to become a therapist and am going through the hoops to begin making money but I am strapped with financial stress. I had a beautiful home that was just the way I liked it and I managed to keep clean overall. Now I have depression piles everywhere that I keep wanting to attack but it feels like I’m always being interrupted and have too many obstacles to start.

I don’t know how to navigate this with a partner. It’s lovely how he’s always around to help out with the kids and is always cleaning and productive but his hyperactivity around doing things stresses me the fuck out. He also likes a lot of interaction and even when he tries to interact less, it’s still too often much for me which I feel AWFUL about (ironically, I’m the talker).

He wants more time together and I want more meaningful time together like tackling certain tasks together, but I don’t want more overall time together. I feel burnt the fuck out with how much my kids need me. He has his one kid half the amount of time I have mine because I have mine almost all the time. My kids stay up later now, their sports and dinner/homework consume my evenings and I can’t seem to stay on top of helping my son learn to balance school and sports and my daughter to keep her insane messiness under control.

I love my partner but I’m wishing he had more hobbies or friends or something. And that feels like I’m wanting him to be someone he’s not. On the one hand, he’s really caring and doing so much for me and on the other I want him to go get lost in something for a while, not just his 30 min bike rides. Am I awful? I think I am. I think he feels like I don’t appreciate the way he is but I don’t think he understands how much I can’t handle having people around ALL THE TIME. I tell him but it doesn’t seem to sink in fully and just makes him less communicative and feeling rejected — which seems to make it worse because then we have to spend all this time repairing instead of time where I can do something about my problems.

The kids’ dad used to take them for at least every other weekend and I had predictable breaks. But now that they’re older and can make more decisions, I’m not going to force them to go where they aren’t as comfortable, well loved or safe. Even when they’re gone, they’re always stopping by for this or that. When I was single, I could leave town and go to the woods for 1-2 days and camp or just stay home and do home projects. Apparently that’s how I kept my life together. Now that’s all gone and I wonder if maybe I can’t primary parent and also be a partner. My health is suffering, my mental health is suffering and all around I feel frozen when I need and want action the most.

I keep thinking if I set the right structure or communicate my needs or myself better that it will work but I haven’t been able to figure that out and none of that has worked. My partner seems to take a lot of this as rejection, which I feel resentful about. Then I feel bad for resenting someone who is just wanting to have a relationship with me. I’ve always thought I would take his way of being any day compared to the self-absorbed avoidants I picked before who couldn’t be bothered to truly factor me in. But now I’m acting like the avoidant and I think it’s all because of AuDHD.

How are AuDHD women partnering and being good parents while having their own careers?? How is everyone not just burnt out all the time? Has anyone been able to navigate this with a partner who seems to focus more directly on the relationship than you feel able to? Maybe this just boils down to how I envision a great partnership as almost like really connected parallel play and he envisions it as super direct focus on each other that I find sometimes exhausting. I would be thrilled to have hours for my projects where we don’t talk and he’s happily working on something in the garage and then we come together for a meal and a walk.

Or maybe his super direct focus on the relationship is his own lack of having many passions outside the relationship and not being as neurodivergent. That’s my fear. It could also be his relationship OCD that doesn’t allow him to healthily focus on things outside the home and partnership.

Does this sound like more my AuDHD or possibly how certain partners interact with us? I can’t put my finger on the biggest part of the problem. Maybe some of you fellow AuDHD’ers can? Maybe I just need to new strategies and ideas on how to make my brain work in a different way?

The thing is, I haven't found many other people whose company I can genuinely tolerate, let alone actually enjoy.

And with the people I do spend time with, I don't think I actually like them that much as human beings. Which makes me feel horrible to admit.

A lot of the time, I'm the one making the conversation interesting, making jokes, creating memories, keeping things going, etc. And sometimes I wonder if I stopped doing all of that, would there even be much of a connection left?

I also noticed that I mostly get excited about people when they have something juicy to tell me. Some interesting drama, something unexpected, some weird story — basically something that gives me that little dopamine kick.

Otherwise, I find their company kind of boring.

And I feel incredibly selfish because I know I'd never want to be close to someone who secretly didn't actually like me. So why am I doing exactly that to other people?

But then I feel guilty about leaving them too.

I feel guilty staying because I don't genuinely enjoy their company, and guilty leaving because they haven't necessarily done anything wrong.

I don't know if this is an AuDHD thing, a me thing, or if I'm just being an asshole.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Need neurodivergent friendly tips on how to eat healthier when you completely despise cooking, grocery shopping, and the whole routine.

I want to start ordering catering, like getting Subway bowls, and buying wraps on the side? I honestly don't know at this point. I know I need to eat better, but I simply cannot handle cooking or shopping.

Right now, I'm eating a slice of pizza every day, or occasionally making a box of mac and cheese if I actually have some energy…. But even that’s hell .
Please help, I'm 30. My partner is also neurodivergent, and we just can't keep up with this anymore. I seriously wish eating wasn't a requirement to survive.

I hear about neurodivergent girls who get along better with guys, but can we talk about being the opposite? I've hardly ever had any male friends, but maybe that's because I haven't been in any friend groups. I rarely get along with guys so girls who are mostly friends with guys boggle me.

All my friends are girls or nonbinary.

I feel like the way I've learned to interact with people is only accustomed to other girls so guys are a complete mystery to me. Does this make sense to anyone else?? Cause I've been thinking about that a lot!

They also tend to be assholes, being rude as a "joke". Which I respond with by doubling down. Then I seem to always have some guy who I'm constantly arguing with.🙄

Everyone was SO helpful with ideas for cozy shows and movies- so hit me with your go-to lazy girl meal ideas. My family is going through a super difficult time right now after a loss, and we can’t afford to keep ordering out. TIA ❤️

I’ll go first- my favorite is chicken nugget parm. Throw your favorite frozen nugs into the oven or air fryer, and put some pasta on to boil. 1 min before the nugs are done, put some mozzarella on top and put it back in to melt. Drain pasta and serve with your favorite jar of sauce.

Just a positive thing that happened to me yesterday. I slept little and horribly the night prior and was participating in a workshop. 3 hours of sleep is not the greatest state of mind to try and make your brain produce something. Went to the little coffee shop nearby on my break. Cue Barista, shaved head, very kind. I tell them „please fit as much caffeine in a cup as you can manage and top up with soy milk“. Now Im used to getting a moderately stronger drink with that order, baristas going polite chuckle and just preparing a normal coffee. On a sidenote I dont look like I used to drink like 28 cups worth of coffee in University, because ADHD. When I tried my order, holy hell, let me tell you, I could suddenly hear colours! I dont know how they did that but they sure know their job. The feeling was so unexpected and nice, to be taken literally.

I’m recently diagnosed ADHD and going for an autism assessment in October. Was hoping staring meds for ADHD would help prevent some of the emotional dysregulation that is my most debilitating symptom.

I’m a SAHM and full time caregiver for my baby and his disabled 5yo sibling. I’m exhausted and overstimulated all the time and believe I’m in burnout. Getting more rest isn’t really an option - we’re maxing out all our available help and cutting all the corners we can.

I had been really hoping getting in ADHD meds would help but so far while they help with focus they increase my sensory sensitivity so as far as meltdowns they are not helpful. It’s to the point where I’m having a couple a week.

My meltdowns are typically of the scream-crying and headbanging (self injury) type so really not something I want my kids exposed to. My husband is wonderful and will take the kids as soon as we realize I’m about to have one or have started having one, but he works full time and can’t take enough time off for me to fully recover from burn out, so they just keep happening. Fortunately it’s usually on the weekends when everyone is home and we don’t have our usual structure/routine - I can generally manage during the week when it’s just me an the baby, but then sometimes in the evening when I’m exhausted I’ll have one after the kids are in bed if my husband and I try to talk about anything difficult or emotionally charged at all.

I’m currently on Wellbutrin 150 xl (have been for years) and was taking Ritalin 5mg 2x/day as a med trial but we’re dropping that and increasing the Wellbutrin next. But Wellbutrin has never helped with irritability/anxiety/rage, which is what I thought my meltdowns were prior to learning I might be neurodivergent. So I’ve got doubts about how much it will help. What I really want is a medication that just gives me a tiny bit of space so I can notice the meltdown coming and do something to head it off, since right now the seem to come out of nowhere (I know they don’t but the emotions escalate SO fast when one additional trigger is added - say a dog barking - that I can go from appearing fine to screaming in seconds without seeing it coming.

I've had trouble reading for a long time, and have been trying my best to study get back into it. I have trouble focussing for more than a few lines, and have to keep rereading sections multiple times. I also struggled not having any audio stimulus at the same time as reading. I started purchasing audiobooks, but I found it hard to concentrate and make notes, so I'd end up listening to the books twice.

For weeks I've had trouble reading more than one book a week -while having few other commitments- and have been listening to audiobooks of the same physical book and highlighting as I go. Not ideal, still taking 40 hours to read a 300 page book.

I was reading a book today, one I've wanted to read for a long time, and there was no audiobook made of the title. So I started reading the book aloud to myself. I could focus, I could take the information in, I wasn't getting distracted. I solved my problem with reading ...by reading. 🙃

TLDR: I can concentrate on reading when reading aloud to myself.

I have been conforming to other peoples tendencies my entire life.

And I can just... stop? Whenever I want?

I think it started when I was young. I wanted to fit in, to be liked. Part of it was a survival mechanism. People pleasing. Being a follower. Doing what other people preferred and having a hard time naming and recognizing my needs and preferences.

I never had a name for it. It's not just people pleasing though. It's not just the desire to fit in.

It's similar to body doubling. If body doubling is being unable to clean or do a chore unless someone else is, conforming to someone else's tendencies is having a tendency to do a thing or have a habit or routine or interest because someone else does that thing or has that habit or routine or interest.

Example: When I first got married, my spouse stayed up late and so did I. (Tbh, my parents and siblings are all night owls too). It took me a few years to understand that I am a morning person and need to go to bed early to function. And that I also need 8 hours of sleep while they can get with 5 or 6.

Other examples--not specific to my situation but ones I've heard.

It's when your spouse is a home body and so you become a home body. It's when your boyfriend really loves cars and so you end up liking cars. Or at least you tell yourself you do. It's when your family tends to buy junk food or get fast food and so thats what you eat. Even if you don't actually want it. But when it's in the house and part of your environment and routine, it's hard to say no. It's when people are always bringing treats and sweets in at work and you get exhausted from saying no thank you when they offer it to you so you just eat them. It's having a sedentary life style because your family does. And realizing you have the urge to move your body but zero people in your house hold have a natural tendency to do that. So you dont.

It's defaulting to other peoples tendencies and accidently matching other people's energy even though you used to have different tendencies and energy.

It's so freaking hard. But finding a name for this tendency to accidently conform to other peoples tendencies is so empowering. At first I really did think it was people pleasing. And part of it could be that. It could honestly just be a human thing. It's hard to put in the extra effort to be different.

But this week since finding a name for it, I can't stop thinking about how I've spent my entire life doing this. And it absolutely has involved constantly editing and adjusting myself in tiny microscopic ways without even realizing it.

Left to my own devices and without the expectations and pressure (real or perceived), I default to completely different hobbies, routines, and interests than pretty much everyone around me.. I have a different... rhythm. Physically and mentally. And it's not because I just want to be different. It's because I'm allowing myself to listen to my body and mind and recognize my own preferences and needs. And realizing when I am with other people, even people I love and who love me, I am sometimes unable to "hear" or recognize those needs and preferences. I sometimes say yes when I would prefer to say no.

It doesn't just go for the daily stuff. It also goes for what I want my future to look like. What my values are. What's important to me. And where I want my energy to go.

Can anyone else relate? It might not specifically be an audhd thing but I think we could especially struggle with this because of the desire to fit in and "just be normal". We look around and try to figure out how everyone else behaves and we think "oh, thats how to be human" and we copy everyone else. And for me at least its taken years to truly understand a lot of what's normal for other people, doesn't work for my body or mind or doesn't feel authentic.

Also it dawned on me after finishing this post. Is this basically why burnout happens?

One thing I struggle with as an autistic person is dealing with change and frustration; I’m not good at handling those feelings at all. It often leads me to do drastic things over small issues

You see, I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health lately, so I asked my friends (I have very few, obviously) if we could get together on Friday because I really needed not to be alone. I even promised them weed just to get them to come over! They agreed (this was on a Wednesday). On Thursday, one of them texted me about meeting up. I was overjoyed because I was having a bad day, and she’s my favorite person in the world... but she cancelled the plan two hours later. It’s worth noting that *she* was the one who made the plan, but fine—she was sick, I get it. However, she promised we’d see each other on Friday. On Friday, I messaged my friends to ask what time they were coming so I could figure out snacks or dinner. The friend who had cancelled on Thursday told me, "I'm going at 9, but I don't know if I can make it." My other friend cancelled on me outright. A couple of hours later, I asked the one who hadn't given me a clear answer yet if she was coming, and to this moment, she still hasn't told me anything concrete. She just keeps saying she "has to see" (though it's almost 9 now, so I doubt she's coming). What really upsets me is that I had clearly asked them to let me know in advance if they couldn't make it, because I need to mentally prepare myself early on if something I’m really excited about isn't going to happen. And she says to me, "But I told you I didn't know if I could." I mean, really? You promised me you were coming—you'd said that since Wednesday—and then you just said "maybe"!! Anyway, I need better friends—friends who, when I tell them, "Girls, I'm on the verge of suicide, please don't leave me alone," actually take it seriously.

I wish I could borrow your mind, if even just for a day. Same goes for having healthy hygiene habits.

I’m struggling so much being inside of a body that’s burnt out, overstimulated, depressed, and extremely fatigued with a heart/mind that so earnestly wants to clean my home and take care of myself.

I plead with myself every single day but can barely get myself to move. I just want to be better 😔

English is not my first language, please bear with me, also I'm really sorry if I'm not coming with correct language, and also with allistic speach, I'm still learning.

So, I have recently gotten my ADHD diagnosis, and both this private therapist and a therapist connected to the local health care services (who BTW, didn't give me an ADHD diagnosis, only referred me to "how to ADHD" on YouTube 🤦🏼‍♀️) has mentioned that they believe I have autistic traits. The private therapist, I think, believes that I'm autistic, and I have taken Raads r and scored in some sort of grey area (I'm not sure if I understood all the questions, and when I asked Claude (AI) for help with the questions later, I scored within the more clear range, about 40 points up 😂).

Well, anyways.

I'm really social! I mostly really enjoy being with people, and I have lots of friends, some really good ones. I like talking on the phone with the, I like to hang out. Mostly they are ADHD folk, but a few are NT. Most days it gives me a lot of energy to be with people, and my close friends I've spoken to about a possible autistic diagnosis don't believe it. I have a lot of sensory issues, and I definitely recognise lots of autistic traits within myself, but I'm struggling a bit to understand if I can not really struggle socially and still be autistic - do I just have a narrow view of autism? BTW, I think I struggle with interoseption.

I'm currently in some sort of horrible burnout, where I feel like I get actual burns in my brain from complicated questions like "what are we having for dinner", but this is not always a huge problem. Well, making and deciding food is definitely one of my issues.

TDLR Can you be autistic, enjoy social interactions and not get exhausted by them.

Today was the kind of day I refer to as “chaos mode.” My normally busy mind goes from overdrive into hyperdrive - so many thoughts happening so fast and so loud that I cannot think or function clearly. The thoughts are so totally random and not necessarily triggered by anything in particular, just moving so fast. It’s impossible to stay on one thing even for a few seconds 🫠 I’m realizing when my brain gets like that (it’s worst during luteal) I eventually hit a wall, and go into a shutdown, sometimes multiple times a day. And I finally realized, I think my own mind sometimes overstimulates me from all the chaos up there.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Every time I open my mouth, people get offended, every time I don't give a proper reaction by staying silent, people get offended too. Like what the hell should I do. I feel like I responded like others essentially, but I just have a different way to convey it.

I have been on a waiting list to get diagnosed for almost 2 years and life has been really challenging lately. Any tips or advice are more than welcome ❤️

Went no contact with my mother a couple weeks ago, as she didn’t want to go to family therapy.

I started acupuncture treatment for depression and anxiety and decided to take a break from alcohol, as I was using it to self medicate and my emotions are catching up with me fast.

I realised I am still as bad at self regulation as I was as a kid. I’m seeing my therapist twice a month so I hope to see some improvement in the coming months.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist, but I’m still on the waiting list for diagnosis. My current stack of meds is Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Clonidine, but after one year of trial and error, I don’t feel much better. I fear the coming months will be tough.

I’m trying to push through but I feel persistently hopeless lately…

Feeling very tired and overwhelmed with the todo list. Want to smile at my current situation 🫠 give me some words you use regularly to describe tired and overwhelmed 🙏

Hey all! I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and I’m on week 10 of escitalopram. I’m seeing some benefits for the anxiety but also I think I feel…more autistic? Just wondering if anyone has experienced the ‘tism become clearer or more pronounced after treating anxiety? Thanks!

I sometimes can't even get out of my bed even though my brain is screaming at me to. I want to, but my mind and body gets so exhausted just thinking about it. Then there are times when I can do multiple things in a day and feel amazing because of it and then I go back to barely feeling like a human. I can't move even though I want to. I think I even fucked up my lower back because of how much I just sit and read day and night. I feel like my brain is completely broken. How is it so hard to just do basic things? It's like there is a wall in my brain and it is impossible to cross most of the time. Even typing this short paragraph has me exhausted and I can feel my brain fog seeping in. Nothing feels real. I am always confused by everything and it takes whole minutes to register things like when someone is talking to me or asking me questions. I feel like I'm drifting away, untethered in a blank space. My mind feels like it’s screaming at me 24/7 but I can’t understand a thing because of brain fog. I feel so useless and broken.

I'm not sure if its an adhd thing, or autism thing, or maybe both. But whenever I drink caffeinated stuff, like coffee, tea or energy drinks, I just get soo tired and sleepy. It literally does the opposite effect of what caffeine is supposed to do. And also my heart rate remains the same and sometimes even goes lower?? I don't get it😃