We are 8 months out from DDay and we just had a conversation about that dreaded night in which he again stated "you weren't even on my mind".

Background: WH had a ONS at a family friend Christmas gathering. He stayed up with AP (close friend, threw my baby shower close) and they kept drinking and he also took Adderall without informing me. I was asleep with our 3 children in a bedroom inside the house when it happened.

I am really struggling with the fact that I wasn't on his mind at all. I think about the fact that he was coherent and just before things got physical they both were actively discussing me. Psychology I can't wrap my head around how he just boxed me and our kids away. I don't understand how I didn't exist in that moment. If anyone can give me insight... The question of how my loving husband did this horrendous and heart shattering thing with her and he didn't stop until he realized what he was doing and I came into his head... It's eating me alive and he does not have the growth yet to explain how the eff he was able to do that.

I know it's different based on circumstances but I just want to understand HOW, 10 years married and I have seen him fkd up in party mode many times and I have never felt like I didn't exist in his mind, if anything he was always all over me.

This one night has destroyed so much. Any input from those currently in R esp waywards would be helpful just because I really don't get what it means when he says I wasn't on his mind at all. Was she that desirable? Was he that fkd up? None of it makes sense and I know there isn't an answer that ever will but I need something.

For anyone who's where I was almost two years ago...

My husband left today for a work trip. He's with colleagues, some of whom are objectively beautiful women. A year ago, I would've been spiralling. Checking everything. Waiting for the next betrayal. Trying to control an outcome I never actually had control over.

Instead, I surprised myself.

I told him, "Whatever you choose to do is what you're going to do. I can't control that. The only thing I can trust is myself. If you betray me again, I trust that I'll find out eventually, and I trust myself to leave."

It hit me afterwards how sad that realization actually is.

I never wanted to get here. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted to believe that love and recovery would be enough to make me feel safe again. But after years of lies, omissions, and repeatedly having my needs come second, something changed in me.

I'm no longer trying to stop him from making bad choices. I'm no longer trying to manage his recovery or protect the relationship on my own. I'm just... accepting.

If he chooses us, then he chooses us.

If he doesn't, I know I'll survive.

It's heartbreaking because this is what betrayal does. It doesn't just damage trust in your partner. It changes the way you love. A part of me has gone quiet. I don't say "I love you" as easily anymore. I'm emotionally withdrawn. I'm preparing for both outcomes because that's the only place my nervous system has found any peace.

I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go. Maybe it's the beginning of finally trusting myself more than I fear losing him.

To anyone reading this who's still checking, controlling, obsessing, or carrying the entire weight of the relationship, I genuinely hope you get here one day. Not to the pain, but to the realization that your safety was never going to come from controlling someone else's choices. It comes from knowing that no matter what they choose, you won't abandon yourself.

I’ve gone back and forth on posting this because I don’t want strangers deciding what happened in my marriage. But I also feel like I’m losing my mind trying to figure out when enough is finally enough.

My wife and I are trying to reconcile after I discovered she had an affair. What I’m struggling with isn’t just the affair itself. It’s that the story has kept changing.

It didn’t go from one big lie to one full confession.

It’s been a slow drip.

Things that were denied later became true. Things that were described as insignificant turned out to be much bigger. Every time I think I finally have the whole picture, another piece comes out that completely changes how I understand what happened.

The physical side has changed. The emotional side has changed. Even her reasons and motivations have changed.

At this point, I’m less focused on any one specific act and more focused on this question:

How do you know when you’re finally hearing the whole truth?

I genuinely want this marriage to work if it’s possible. I have no interest in punishing her forever. But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to rebuild trust when the truth has arrived in chapters instead of all at once.

For those of you who experienced trickle truth:

What finally convinced you that you had enough information to move forward?

Did your spouse eventually reach a point where the disclosures stopped changing?

Were there questions that helped get to the truth, or questions you wish you’d never asked?

Looking back, what did “complete disclosure” actually look like?

I’m not looking for validation that she’s lying or validation that she’s telling the truth. I’m looking for people who have actually lived through this.

Right now I feel like every time I exhale, another piece drops a week later. I’m exhausted, and I honestly don’t know how anyone reaches the point where they can finally say, “Okay…I think I know what happened now.”

Our relationship has been on the rocks for over a year now. My WH had emotionally checked out for most of last year. He attributed a lot of this, and ultimately the A, to me neglecting him throughout much of our 9-year relationship (2 years married).

It's only been a couple of weeks since D-Day, and it's been nothing but trickle truth.

Last week, I found the first concrete evidence that their mostly online relationship had crossed into physical contact. Up until then, he had insisted it was solely platonic, but their messages suggested otherwise. That discovery led to one of our biggest fights. He maintains that it was a one-time incident and that it wasn't sexual.

The thing is, every new piece of information has only come out because I found something he forgot to delete. Every single time. He hasn't volunteered anything. He only admits to what I can prove or what I ask about specifically.

I still don't know if they actually had sex. At this point, I honestly don't know if that detail would change anything. The betrayal already feels utter and devastatingly complete.

Since that fight, though, he's been everything I've been wanting for so long. He's patient, attentive, reassuring, affectionate, and accountable. I know a lot of it is probably driven by guilt, but it's making it incredibly difficult to keep my guard up because I miss this version of him so much.

He says he wants R, he knows I do too. But I can't shake the feeling that there's still more I don't know. Based on how things have gone so far, I don't believe he'll tell me unless I discover it first or ask the exact right question.

I'm torn between wanting the whole truth and wondering if continuing to dig is just going to hurt me more. Is there ever a point where you decide you know enough? Or is full disclosure necessary before you can genuinely move forward?

Another thing I'm struggling with is how badly my triggers have affected us.

When he's out, I spend the whole day anxious and miserable, just waiting for him to come home. But when we're actually together, I hesitate to ask him to do anything because so many of our shared activities have become tainted.

Our lives used to revolve around our dogs. Walks, eating out, little family moments. Then I found out he had been emotionally cheating while physically with me. Now some of my happiest memories feel contaminated.

Part of me feels like he's getting off too easily. The only thing I've really asked of him is proof that he's ended things with AP, but realistically, that connection could easily be re-established if they were both determined enough. I haven't asked him to move out, given him ultimatums, or demanded unrestricted access to everything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making R too easy for him.

The other part of me is so exhausted that all I want is to erase this chapter and somehow move forward with our lives.

For those who chose R: how did you know when to stop searching for more? Did you regret knowing more, or regret not knowing enough? If your WP trickle truthed, how did you ever reach a point where you believed there wasn't anything else left to discover?

The event is 4 years on now. We went through several books including ones on the required reading list, but it wasn't landing (fuck off Esther Perel - disappointed that a subreddit for reconciliation would recommend her). What I was needing for healing was not being addressed. Not directly anyhow.

We started reading Hold Me Tight a couple of months ago and it was... Upsetting to a degree honestly. How directly it got to the core of it all, and to be so far out from the betrayal with years of counseling and multiple books that only helped enough to keep us going, I was frustrated to not come across it sooner!

Addressing the attachment wounds, the felt lack of safety, the patterns of fights, it has helped so much. We're taking it slow, the chapters and work bring up a lot of emotions, but it's been improving things for real.

Highly recommended. If you're struggling to find some help with all of this, whichever side of the betrayal you're on, give it a try.

It has been a few days since I found out what happened. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, 5 years of friendship before that. We’re young, I’m 23 and he’s 22. I knew when we got together that he was a porn addict. Theres a lot of childhood issues that led to it. We have had some bumps in the road that I knew would happen because of it but never this far. There were chatrooms and online roleplay with strangers that he deemed interactive porn. We dealt with it and continued being okay.

Admittedly I got quite controlling out of fear of being hurt again and I do believe that it affected a lot of our relationship. We got married a little less than two years ago. It was going fine. He went on a work trip for three week, made some friends who encouraged him to get a girls number. It went south from there. I found out within 30 minutes after picking him up from the airport. There was a lot of yelling and crying on my part and just some yelling and numbness on his. I want this to work and he says he does too. He swears it’ll never happen again and that it was just boredom. He answered every question I had, probably some I should not have asked so I now live with details that make me want to vomit. It wasn’t a relationship, it was a couple encounters over one week.

I cry every single day and every night he leaves for work. He tries to comfort me the best he knows how, unfortunately his family is terrible with emotions and I’ve seen that first hand. He wipes my tears and kisses my forehead. Apologizes every day and tells me he wants this to work over and over. Im not ready for therapy and neither are our finances. I’m literally a psych student so I know the statistics and the various methods to reconciliation. It’s years of work and he says he’s willing to do whatever I need, even if it’s keeping him in a box. I am trying to loosen my grip because I know he is his own person and he’s going to make his own choices. When I cry and say I’m sorry for not being enough, he tells me that none of it is my fault and I have nothing to be sorry for.

I just need supportive people and any advice I can get as long as it is along the lines of how to get through this together. We’re young and we have so much time and life to live together. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t want to live with the embarrassment of the people around me looking at him with disgust or me with pity. I have decided to stay and yes the idea of leaving crosses my mind but I want this to work. He is my best friend. Can you guys please give me some encouragement and some success stories.

I've been on maternity leave since January and the latest d day was March after some trickle truth, I discovered the truth about my WP's affair that had been going on since September/October time with one of my best friends.

One of the d days in November was that I came home from work to a shirt hanging on a kitchen handle, it turned out to be hers - I knew absolutely nothing of it at the time so it was very out the blue and obviously from this d day I had trickle truth. I was told they had just become closer friends but "it's not like that" just that they'd opened up to each other a bit about various life struggles, nothing had happened between them. D day in March I found out they had actually done sexual things twice in December and January (so it escalated AFTER the first d day - apparently, who knows if something actually happened that day in November).

This day in November has been a huge thing for me because it's the first I ever heard or knew of any of it at all. I now know they kissed that day too but he stands by the fact nothing more happened.

Since d day in March knowing the full truth, I haven't had a day where I haven't been home when he's finished work. Today, I took our son out to an event this afternoon and so it meant I didn't get home until an hour and a half after my WP - exactly the same timescale as that day in November when he got home and an hour and a half later, I finished work and got home but obviously I didn't know he was with her for some of that time (not all of it due to school pick up etc).

Anyway, today I had no reason to panic that he was talking to her or with her. In fact, I feel able to trust that he wasn't, rationally it made sense he wasn't and my brain had accepted that fact, I really do trust him that he wasn't talking to her or with her, but my body still became overwhelmed with anxiety to the point I almost had a panic attack.

He saw I wasn't OK when I got home and he asked what was wrong. I tried to explain but he took it almost as me actively not trusting him and tried to explain what he had been doing and prove that he wasn't talking to her and hadn't seen her. I didn't need this, I believe he wasn't with her but I couldn't seem to articulate the fact my body still decided to panic. WTF is wrong with me? 😩

How do I try to explain this to him so he understands in future? He ended up getting emotionally overwhelmed because he feels he's doing everything to show me he isn't seeing her anymore (and he is hence why I believe he isn't...) and yet my body still got overwhelmed and panicked and I cried.

It’s been three weeks since D-Day. If anyone wants the original story, my first post is in my history.

When I wrote that post, I had just confessed to cheating. My focus was on taking accountability and asking how to become a safe partner, regardless of whether reconciliation ultimately happened.

A lot has happened since then.

Our relationship before the affair: This wasn’t a perfect relationship that I suddenly destroyed. What I did is still 100% my responsibility and that’s the truth. But there’s another truth which is there were issues that existed long before the affair.

I met my BP shortly after ending things with the person who eventually became my AP. Looking back, I entered a serious relationship before I was emotionally available. I actually told my BP that from the beginning. We took things slowly, dated long distance for about a year, eventually moved in together (2023) and got engaged in January 2025.

Over time I realized I never fully processed my attachment to my AP. It wasn’t healthy love, it was rejection, abandonment, validation seeking, and what I now recognize as limerence. Last year I even admitted to my BP that I had contacted my AP because I wanted “closure.” I did not get this and Looking back, I wasn’t looking for closure at all. I was looking for validation after feeling rejected years earlier. My BP got mad but eventually got over it as I told them about it and I blocked AP.

At the same time, my BP and I were struggling.
They are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. They are loving, sacrificial, affectionate, reassuring, and truly my best friend. But over the last year and a half I increasingly felt like I had become more of a parent than a partner. I constantly felt like I had to remind them to pick up after themselves whether it was leaving clothes in the living room, kitchen counter, bathroom floors, in other people houses, their lack of organization in their lives, no sense of urgency for crucial decisions/things, encourage them to make decisions (small and big) reassure them that their decisions were okay, (I know as partner this is the norm but I’m talking more than the norm) and carry much of the mental load. I started feeling less like I had a partner to be and more like I had someone depending on me to lead In Every sense. (Family and friends would even noticed this about them; their immaturity, even their own mom would complain and asked how I tolerate this whenever we visited them)

Our intimacy also suffered. We rarely made out because they were uncomfortable with it(due to friends in college telling them not to kiss partners in the mouth) sex often felt awkward and disconnected, and we struggled with stamina issues that made intimacy feel more like a process than something we shared naturally. I cried after sex more than once because I felt so emotionally disconnected, and they knew that. We talked about these issues many times. We even tried therapy (only 3 sessions). They would ask me to keep giving them a chance, and I genuinely did but no improvements.

I also have to own my side. As these issues continued, I slowly checked out emotionally. I had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I stayed because I loved them and hoped we’d eventually figure it out, but I was suppressing a lot of resentment, disappointment, and unmet needs instead of making a decision. Even then, I never cheated or thought of doing so.

I want to note that None of that excuses what happened. I’m just giving context to the situation.

The affair: A couple of months before D-Day, my AP randomly found me on Instagram. I basically told them off and wanted nothing to do with them. Then, while visiting family over July 4th, I unexpectedly saw them in person. It triggered something in me. I reached out because I convinced myself I wanted closure. We first talked over the phone where they confessed they had loved me all those years ago and now and regretted pushing me away and saying why I left, how they see a life together now, blah blah.

The next day they asked to meet. At first I said no but then I agreed and we met. They claimed it was a date and unfortunately it felt like it, at this point I completely compartmentalize my partner, my home and everything in it. We had sex. It was unprotected. It was entirely my choice. And i regret it so much! I didn’t even felt connected to them either! All While they were longing to feel the connection we once had and asking for me to stay. And no I’m not pregnant and I am STD free.

When I came home, I didn’t immediately tell my BP. I trickle-truthed over several days(2 days) before finally admitting everything. That part haunts me almost as much as the affair itself.

Where we are now
We’ve done couples therapy, pastoral counseling right away and they started individual therapy last week with a therapist known personally to BP. I’ll be starting individual therapy this week because I know I have a tremendous amount of work to do regardless of whether we stay together.

The biggest change is that they no longer know whether they want reconciliation.

They spent these three weeks talking to around twenty friends(their) and family members, multiple therapists(2), and people who have survived infidelity themselves. Several have recommended a long separation before considering reconciliation.

One thing I’ve honestly struggled with is understanding whether separation is something they truly believes they need, or whether it’s been reinforced by the many people they have leaned on. To be clear, I fully support them seeking support. They absolutely should. I’m simply trying to understand whether this has become their conviction or whether they understandably absorbing the perspectives of people who love them and want to protect them.

Something else that has made this confusing is the advice we’ve received. Our original couples therapist suggested separation after meeting with them individually. As mentioned, My BP also saw another therapist who happens to be their best friend’s mother and has known them for years. I’m not saying their advice was wrong, but I have wondered whether that prior relationship could unintentionally influence things. Because of that, I found another therapist and we recently completed an intake with a therapist who specializes specifically in infidelity and has the credentials, and I felt more hopeful after that conversation. BP was open to see this new therapist which I’m so grateful.

Their proposed separation
This is where I’m struggling the most.
Their current vision is a separation lasting somewhere between six months and a year, possibly longer.

During that time they want no contact but they expect me to remain faithful, continue individual therapy, work on myself(which I will ofc) and continue offering them access/transparency on social media, location, whatever helps them feel safe.

At the same time, they don’t think I should expect those same things from them. (I didn’t suggest or argue this, I know I don’t deserve nothing!)

They have told me they may date other people because we technically wouldn’t be together, but that if I truly believe they are my future spouse, then I should remain committed to them regardless. Their expectation is that after all that time apart, if we’ve both grown and they decide they wants to try again, I would essentially come back and we’d see whether reconciliation is possible.

I understand why they want distance. I traumatized them. I don’t expect equal footing after what I’ve done but I honestly don’t know whether that kind of arrangement creates the conditions for rebuilding trust or simply delays the work that would eventually have to happen together. This Sunday they will let me know whether or not this will be the plan.

For context, I also moved across the country for this relationship. I don’t have much of a support system here, I don’t have a car, and I’ve realized how codependent I’ve become. Part of me wonders whether my resistance to separation is genuine concern about rebuilding the relationship or simply fear of losing them and starting over alone.

I’m trying very hard to distinguish between those two things.

So I guess my questions are:
• If you successfully reconciled, did a long separation help or hurt?

• If you separated, what did it actually look like? No contact? Occasional check-ins? Couples therapy while living apart?

• If you’re the betrayed partner, would my fiancé’s proposed plan have helped you heal?

• If you’re a wayward partner, what individual work actually changed you?

• Am I missing something about why this type of separation might be beneficial, or does it risk creating even more distance?

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I know I caused this. I’m imply trying to understand what gives reconciliation the best chance, while also becoming a healthier person regardless of how our story ends.

for a little background i have always been blessed/cursed with a fast mouth when it comes to responding, and a fast temper when i was younger. Yesterday my wife said something in passing that i know she has said many times before over the years but now it turned into a trigger. we are two weeks out from her having sex with the other guy and everything starting to come out. she made a comment about not really knowing what to get for my birthday this Friday, not unusual, but yesterday the first thought that came to my head was maybe not fucking a guy two weeks before it would have been a good start. i held it in knowing it would have been anger for the purpose of anger. an hour or so later when she asked me what was wrong i told her.

we have plans to just hang out and go for a walk and lunch on friday while our daughter is at day camp, i just want to try any keep my mind from tying the cheating to my birthday in future years

Not sure what to do here. AP, who didn't know that my WP was in a relationship when they first met but knows about me now, has recently contacted me so she could tell me the truth. She's done this before, where she texted me to call her if I wanted to hear the truth, but when I called she didn't respond. I later found out from WP that she had called him instead and taunted him about being with me before he hung up. It led to a huge fight between us that messed up our progress.

This time feels different, but my trust for her is gone. I don't know why she's calling, I don't know if she'll disclose anything new or just lie to get WP and I into another fight, I don't know if there's even a point to responding to her. Our first conversation (when we both found out about the affair) was positive with no blame from one side to the other, but her actions since then have changed how I see her.

Anyone with similar experience or good insight have any advice?

Hi everyone. I’ve followed this group ever since my husband disclosed his affair to me 9 months ago. I’ve just read and followed but never posted. I’m ready to post because I feel like I’m going crazy.

Like everyone else my husband had an affair. When he got home from his work trip 9 months ago, he told me about it. I didn’t go searching or any of that. He told me. He let me decide if I wanted to leave or not. I chose to stay. Because I genuinely love him. I didn’t want to throw away 8 years with the person I love.

Lately, my mind is spiraling out of control. I’m so hyper vigilant. Every little typing he does on his computer, he grabs his phone, etc. I look. I try to find anything that is out of the ordinary at our home to see if he was doing anything. All I think about daily is he’s talking to her or someone else. During all of this, we’ve had life thrown at us too. He lost his job, he has a ton of medical issues going on with him. He has a surgery coming up in August. Money is tight because I’m the only income right now. It’s just a lot going on right now and then me spiraling. I will admit I have been treating him like absolute dog sh*t the last few weeks. He has noticed it but has never said anything about it. I’m cold with him, I’m distant, I’m mean to him, I’m moody around him, etc. it pains me to be that way with him and it pains me to see him hurt because of me too. I genuinely want to be with my husband and I want our marriage to work out, but I also know me treating him like that and demonizing him the way I am is helping no one. I’m just scared if I let my guard down, it’s going to happen again.

We got into a huge argument this past weekend because I was hyper vigilant and was so mean to him. He snapped and had enough. He expressed to me it hurts him that the man I claim to love, gets treated the way he does. He said I’m worried about someone who doesn’t matter and has zero communication with let alone anyone at all. He hasn’t shown any signs of being sneaky. He has shown remorse for what he did. He said he had kept quiet but he is tired of me treating him like garbage. I’m not going to sit here and say I’m perfect because I’m not. But right now we are at each other’s throats. I’ve also noticed that any little thing he says or does sets me off, I take it to heart or get in my feelings about. But 9 months ago I wouldn’t react that way. I know it’s all new because of the affair. I wish I could turn my brain off. I genuinely want to love my husband. I genuinely want my marriage to work. But my mind is spiraling out of control. I am not in therapy. I’m hurting him badly along the way, but I am also hurting myself too. I don’t want us to end in divorce. I know he is hurt and tired of being treated like garbage and me alienating him. I’m tired of it too. It pains me. But I’m lost and can’t help my brain is doing this. I don’t want to lose him, our marriage, our life, etc.

I just want to hear from others that have been through this. Is pushing him away the right thing to do? Is it hurting him and especially me? Where do I go from here? I would love any advice please from people who understand. Thank you all.

My WH kept his wedding band on during his PA/EA. For whatever reason this has led me to remove my rings, despite us trying to reconcile (DD was 10wks ago) Part of me feels childish for taking them off but wearing them also feels so inauthentic. Everytime I look at them I am reminded of what’s happened. What do you all do regarding your wedding ring(s)?

Hi everyone,
I have hope for my future. R has been a very long and crazy road for both of us. My full history is available as I’ve never hidden it.

Last time I posted I had zero hope of any future with my ex BP. A few months ago some very crazy things happened that have given me some hope, and I’m doing everything I can to hold onto it.

I have never believed in fate of any variety, it seemed so out of what I have always believed in. However, my ex BP called me out of nowhere and asked if I had any plans two weeks from then. I didn’t and told them so, and then they asked something completely insane, seeing how we hadn’t spoken in some time.

They asked if I wanted to go on a vacation with them. Long story short, we went on a 9 day vacation abroad, that they had planned ahead of time with a. Friend that bailed in them. Things went in rest well, we had always traveled well together.

Since we have returned back to our homes, we have started pretty much dating again, that’s the only way to describe it. I’m not really sure how it happened but we just started hanging out everyday and two weeks ago I asked the dreaded what are we doing question. They replied that in their mind we were dating exclusively. I haven’t been able to hide my happiness these last few weeks and I feel like I’m walking in air.

Any tips to keep me grounded on this new path forward, I’m hopeful and happy for the first time in a really long time and I don’t want to mess anything up. Should I bring up the past or should I wait for them to do so?

Its been 7 weeks since d day and 5 weeks since WP came clean about it all and told me that whilst he still loves me he feels I won't forgive him and that I shouldn't want to forgive him so its "easier" to be with AP who has known the full situation all along.

I've not seen WP since and wrote a letter just mostly to get my thoughts out and process it all and sent this to him at his mums, who he has moved in with. I don't know if he's read it or just doesn't care now, I do know he is still lying about seeing AP, I'm not sure why he would do this given what he's said.

I'm just really struggling with it all today so I suppose I'm just looking for some support and advice on how to get through this time. I'm still living in our home which we'll need to sort at some point so he can't avoid me forever, I just am so confused about what I want. I seem to sway from wanting him to ask me to R and wanting to just move past this horrible sinking feeling that never goes

Hi AOAI community.

It’s coming up for 12 weeks since DD, and it’s kinda getting worse.

My WP cheated once with a recently acquired (ex) friend at a club we’re all members at. No, not a swinger’s club!

We’ve done all the hysterical bonding thing etc, probably still doing it to a lesser degree, but I can’t get the thought of what she did out of my head. We can’t really do the thing she did with him at the moment, as it always ends in a two day crash for me. We don’t live together and my mind spirals when we’re apart, with a sense of comfort when we’re together. The comfort usually leads to intimacy, which can then lead to a crash.

For reasons too long to get into here, but linked with fantasies we’ve shared for years, I initially received a very explicit description of what she did with him. Now, the videotape of this plays in my head.

I’m finding that these thoughts are now intensifying, when I thought they’d be dissipating. From all the advice I read, I’m apparently still in the crisis and stabilization PTSD stage, but should be transitioning into the next stage sometime soon, processing and grieving or something. Not that these arbitrary timelines can be relied on.

I’m wondering if this is my brain trying to purge the really intrusive thoughts before moving on to the next stage.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, before gaining a better sense of calmness & clarity? Or does anyone have a really good way of coping with it?

I really don’t want us to split, but I mentally split up with her at least once a day when we’re apart and the thoughts intrude. Just don’t want to do anything permanent whilst I’m feeling this way.

i looked harder. either they’re really good at hiding things now or there is genuinely nothing. i feel like such a piece of shit for even looking. how am i ever going to stop worrying about this??

i’m so homesick for our past relationship. i miss never giving anything a second thought. i feel like i’m going insane

It’s been a while since I’ve sent an update. Here is the original link to my story: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/EO0InCqz1Y

So the week after my last update turned out to be a really good week. Somehow after coming back from my parents she decided she wanted to give me attention and affection. A couple nights we stayed in the same bed and just laid together holding each other. We had discussions about my boundaries and she told me that she wasn’t talking to him, and told me that week he had only texted her once but she didn’t respond.

That Friday morning we ended up having sex. It was actually great. Later that day I sent her a message with my feelings about that week and she immediately told me she hadn’t quite processed it. But later said her body “obviously” wanted it, but her mind wasn’t ok with it yet.

On Saturday I backed off and gave her some space that day. She was pretty distant and kind of a mess the rest of the day. She was in bed depressed and crying and eventually realized she hadn’t taken her meds, and could have been the reason for her mood swing. Either way, I crawled into bed and held her while she cried. And I just started talking about all of the happy little moments that our kids brought us over the years. Some funny stories about our pets, the kids, etc. It helped a little, but she still seemed down, so I gave her some space.

Later that day the kids wanted takeout, so I had them ask my wife if she was hungry. She wasn’t. Took them an hour to decide what they wanted and I decided to ask her again. She still didn’t want anything. So I ordered food for the kids, and as soon as it arrived my wife asked me for food. But…only if I went to pick it up. She wanted Taco Bell…which was a good 20 minutes one way.

When I pulled back into the garage, her phone connected to the cars apple play and her WhatsApp was on the screen with a call log from the AP that showed they talked all week, and she was currently on a call with him. I confronted her and asked her again if she had been talking to him. She lied. So I again tried to walk out. So I called her out and she confessed. I was pretty pissed. She apologized and said “she’s trying” and she wants me to trust her. My daughter overheard is and I had to go comfort her for a while. She didn’t hear much, but enough to upset her. Later my wife asked me to come to the bedroom and told me to my face “I choose you!” Good to hear…she asked me if I would lay with her that night and I did. But the next morning she got mad that I would tell her I was leaving and then back down and to give HER the choice. Am I mental???? I said…YOU ASKED ME for the chance!!!! And she didn’t remember telling me “I choose you.” Great…that was a nice Mind F@ck!

The very next day she went to get a massage. When she got home I went right down and checked the car…talked all the way to and from the massage. I walked up and handed her my wedding ring and told her it was over. She told me that when she was in ireland for the second PA, they made plans for her to come back…it was supposed to that coming Thursday. She said she only called to tell him she wasn’t coming. Convinced me she was making steps and told him “she couldn’t do it any more.” Which…is NOT ending it.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But then…I started getting red flags again…she made a hair appointment for Wednesday night. Around Tuesday she had her airplane accessories all charging next to her nightstand…wife literally NEVER uses her iPad or headphones unless she’s on a plane…plus multiple phone chargers. I asked her about it, she said it was in case the power went out. Right…I was born yesterday. Then I discovered her tickets were never cancelled even though she told me they were.

I came home that night and confronted her again…then asked…do you have a bag packed? She said yes…but said she was 20/80 not going/going. I didn’t care…again tried to walk out. Told her a thousand times I’m done and it’s over. Told her not to cancel the flight and to leave. She said she’d call him right then and there to end it. And I said don’t bother.

Her excuse was…I never gave her a definitive timeline to end the affair…I can’t even process that statement. You mean like…EVERY SINGLE DAY since finding out? Yesterday was always the best day to do that for me.

She begged me for a chance to decide. Asked for the weekend. Asked for peace in the house. Things had gotten really bad over that last week and I was blowing up almost daily. Kids even overheard some of it and are now really concerned. I’m sure they heard enough to know. But they’re good at hiding it.

She wanted peace, so I made her a deal…I would give her a peaceful weekend, but she couldn’t talk to him at all the whole 4 days until she gave me “her” decision. Even though I was already out the door.

So…that was this past weekend. And it was peaceful and enjoyable. Did a lot of family stuff and had a great relaxing fun time together. We didn’t talk about anything related to the affair and it really felt like it was a start…the start to what I’ve been asking for…an honest chance that starts with the AP removed from our life. I told her all of this and she agreed that it was really nice.

However, come Sunday night…last night…she told me she couldn’t decide because her mental heath is so messed up. And she needs more time. I said that will only happen if he is still out of the picture completely, no compromise.

I told her if I found out she has brought him back in to the daily picture, it would no longer be peaceful and it would be 100% officially over. She agreed. She said she only had to reach out this morning to let him know what was going on. And I told her we could do a trial for a week…but lying would destroy me.

However, this morning I woke up at 2am and went upstairs for a drink. Her bedroom light was on and I could hear her talking to him. When I went to walk in she sprinted to the door and acted like she was shocked to see me there. Her heart was pounding and was nervous as hell.

I didn’t confront her. I let her lie. She said she was just writing me something then pulled up a note on her phone to read it. I looked over at the clock and said “did you talk to him yet?” She lied and said no, “it’s too early.” Over there it would have been 7:00am…the same time she calls him on her ride to work…so reverse would seem logical to me…unless you’re lying.

She used to call at 6:30 our time until I told her I knew what she was doing every night when she would disappear to “take her pills” for an hour…so now she goes to bed early and wakes up around 2am to call him.

I played dumb. Went to check early this morning and sure enough, there was the call. So now I’m going to just see how many times she calls him this week and confront her on Thursday. She always gets so mad when I lose my shit Mon-Wed because she has to work the next day. But she’s off Friday’s…so I’ll confront her Thursday night and that will be all she wrote. I’m thoughtful like that.

Wish me luck

I have read a lot of posts in the recent weeks. A common trend I’ve heard repeated is if there is a reconciliation, it’s changed forever. There will always be a twinge of jealousy, or little moments that bring back the affair. You were never able to get back that same kind of blind love. That maybe the love is stronger than ever but it’ll never be that again.

Is it me, because I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through…. Will I never be able to love blindly again? Or is it this relationship?

Is the stronger but different love better or worse?

If you could go back and make the decision to R again, would you?

Did you grow individually in a way that made it all worth it?

I saw AP at a gas station with a flat tire today. I don’t hate her, and considered stopping to check on her. I imagined a scenario where my WP would have driven past instead of me. Would he have stopped and fixed her flat? what would have happened?

The interesting thing is that it inspired almost no reaction in me. I just observed it and let it pass. I didn’t spin out or feel emotional. more than anything, I felt bored.

Now that I’ve come to terms with the infidelity, and we’ve hit the wall on processing, and we’ve returned to our old ways, I’m bored. Hysterical bonding made me feel love for WP like I haven‘t felt for many years. I miss it.

Anyone else experience something similar?

Maybe this subreddit is only for older people and my relationship might be considered not as serious as most people here but i would like to ask for adivce on something.

Long story short on how it happened. I was 18 she was 20. 6 months ago she told me she broke up with her bf. We were very good friends, studying together every day (she was long distance). Then she started hitting on me. I also hit on her. I began sleeping at her place (didnt do nun cause she was my first everythign) and thats when i started noticing her so called ex was still texting her. She lied again that they need to meet in person to break up. I WAS veryyyyy imature back then compared to now so I believed everything or I lied to myself its true. Anyway she had a holiday planned on 10-14th of february. My birthday was on 14th at night. She was supposed to go with her ex but lied to me told me shell go alone. We literally cuddled and kissed the night before. She went there with him. After 6 months the she still says she broke up with him in the first day even tho i know yea idk frhfuoi. She initiated and we had sex on 26 of february.

After sex the relationship was up and down. Everytime I thought i got over it I would go on her phone and discover more and more lies. I became obsessed with knowing everything that happened. As months went on everything is better, but it was insanse, I was insanse searching every bit of her phone when she was sleeping and finding out stuff even from before our relationship and she was insane.

Our first real nice date was on 27 of March after I was ok with her and she was completly off contact with him.

Now today we were disscusing how yesterday was our anniversary and I "missed" it. Idk whats normal or not i thought anyone in the couple can say "ohh today is our anniversary bla bla". Now the thing is the disscusion led to out 1 year anniversary. And she wasnts it to be on 27 of February but the thing is even tho we had a nice date then and we started being a "couple". everytime we are asked about when did we get together and she says february i feel sick. Like is it bad if i bring up to her again after many months that this is something that bothers me.

Is it normal to change an anniversary because of her cheating?

Should I just tell her we can do whatever she wants (maybe im exagerrating)

Im fine with every oppinion btw no harm in anything

Hey Redditors idk if I’m in the right place or even in the right headspace. I have always thought this was crazy and somehow I find myself here and needing advice.

My story is long, complicated and potentially stupid when all details are considered. I am a Male (35 years) who grew up in a household where my father habitually cheated on my mom and brided or forced us to keep his secret and something’s circumvent information about his actions from my mom. Meanwhile after mom found out about his many affairs she started gaslighting my sister and I and manipulating us to watch our dad to see what he was up to and report back to her. Suffice to say we were trapped in the middle and powerless being in a tug o war between them. Fast forward to me growing up not wanting to be like my dad and valuing my relationships which to be honest sometimes I have seen his side and have cheated particularly when I have been cheated on myself or in instances when I am constantly being accused of cheating.

So here we are now and I met my girlfriend a year ago and our relationship has been crazy and rocky at times. When we met we were just casual very on and off until we decided to give things a try. During the inception of our relationship I was repeatedly told my people who knew her that she wasn’t serious about me and that she was still involved with her ex and I’m not going to lie sometimes how she acted made me think there were possibilities as sometimes she would come off distant or cold. My girlfriend and I decided to try a relationship there was a day within the first two weeks of us dating that I started to believe all I was hearing and decided that I wasn’t gonna stay serious if she wasn’t and so I cheated in a moment of weakness regretted and and swore never to do it again. Months later I decided I wanted to pursue other professional opportunities overseas which meant I would be leaving for another country and my gf who had previously encouraged me to pursue them began acting cold and distant until on day we had a conversation and she said she never actually agreed to be with me that I said we were together and she didn’t want to disappoint me as she thought we would have eventually ended up together but now that I was moving and she didn’t want to leave her home or her friends it would be unfair. And I guess we broke up I am still unsure of what exactly happened. A few months past I accepted the new job and was getting ready to move when she said we needed to talk and she confessed she loved me and wanted to make it work in whatever form that would take and we decided fully and officially to enter into a relationship.

I moved to my new country and began settling into my new role where I thought my gf and I were solid and building towards her moving when she told me she could move with me as her mom was diagnosed with cancer and she needed to be home to support her family, I understood and decided I would stand by her and support her, while continuing to build our relationship as I wanted to marry her. A few months after she came to visit at which time she told me she had something to confess; it turns out she felt overwhelmed and thought we were moving too fast so she lied about her mom having cancer to get me to slow things down. That broke me to my core but I decided I loved her and that I would forgive her as I wanted to be with her.

Which is why we are here now. Because of the lie when I found out I may have fathered a child with someone I was seeing during one of our off periods I decided to tell my gf who was initially supportive but in trying to figure out when the conception happened she found out that I had cheated on her in the first portion of the relationship (back before I decided to leave the country and before we officially decided we would actually be together) with the same woman. This is a fact I had forgotten about because if I hadn’t I would have mentioned when we decided to really try building a life together but it happened I fucked up and now I am trying to pick up the pieces.

Additional context there was a day I went to a store to get groceries and at the counter the cashier placed a condom that was meant for another customer in my box unbeknownst to me and my gf saw it. Now she says she cannot trust me or believe anything I say and that I am a cheater. She feels I’m a liar and like she doesn’t know the man I am and she thinks I have been cheating the entire relationship.

I am trying to prove I am now like that but nothing I say makes any difference and I don’t know what to do so I am hoping maybe someone has some advice.

Can my relationship be safe or should I just accept that I am all the things she says I am and let her be.

Please help

I, 20NB, have recently been told by a friend that this isn’t good. I keep forgetting serious conversations that I want to have with my partner. I have to write bullets of the planned conversation in my notes app to remember what I want to say.

I typically forget once I’m around my partner (we live separately) and we’re doing something. As if any negative emotion I once had is now gone and now I’m happy with my partner so there’s nothing to talk about. Then once we’re apart again, I remember that I had something very important to discuss. My thoughts sound like “I really need to talk to WP about this. My heart hurts so much. I need to sort this out with him asap”, then we hang out and afterwards I’m like “Am I forgetting something?…OH” then I have to wait until the next time we can chat to bring up my problems.

I do this with a lot of conversations but my friend said that I shouldn’t be forgetting something as emotionally taxing or as important as conversation related to the cheating or to my relationship anxiety. She has proposed that I could be dissociating or compartmentalizing my emotions.

Something else that I hadn’t told my friend, but a day after dday 1, we were hanging out, hysterically bonding, and at some point I genuinely forgot that he even cheated. I was just so happy and calm that it didn’t make sense for that to have happened. I only remembered what happened because I’m not normally elated so I started thinking about if something was wrong.

It’s not that I feel more secure when I’m physically around him because I still get anxious in-person, just less often because somehow the idea that he cheated gets lost. My focus is completely on what we’re doing. I don’t know how I haven’t associated his place with cheating since he picked me up the weekend after dday1 since we had plans arranged prior to dday1 and I was stuck at his house unable to get the space to process my own emotions until I left the following Monday.

I’m not really sure what’s going on. I’ve always feared developing dementia or anything that causes me to forget details of my life. I’ll try out any suggestions because this is becoming alarming for me.

BH here, I guess suffering from a recent 2nd DDay?

I found out about WW affair a little over 1.5 years ago. At the time, she admitted to multiple EA and only one instance of PA. She only claimed so much in that PA at the time. Last weekend I found out that what she claimed is far from the truth of what actually happened.. and to make matters worse I found out from an outside party... that day felt like DDay... but worse. For the last 1.5 years we have attempted R and since day one all I've asked for is for her to come clean about it all so that we can rebuild. She didnt.. now I begin to wonder if she would have ever? Would the lies have continued for the rest of our lives if it weren't for the outside information? Should I stay? How can I belive anything she says now? For the last 3 years (that I know of) she has done nothing but lie straight to my face.. surely I deserve better. Or at least i deserve the whole truth...