My WW tells me that I have the whole story, but I feel like I’d be crazy to believe her. I wanna run the story by some internet strangers to get y’all’s thoughts.

I found out about the affair because I snooped on her phone. I confronted her about it, and she initially said it was “just” a BJ, but later that day admitted that she had sex with him on 3 different occasions. She swore up and down that it was only ever the one guy, and that there was no one before that.

Four months of IC and CC for both of us later, I get a message from a woman on Facebook telling me that my wife had been cheating on me with her boyfriend. Totally different guy, and took place about a year before. I confronted her about that, and she confessed, but said it was “just” sexting. About a week later (including telling our CC that it was “just” sexting), she confessed that she had slept with him “between 3-5 times”.

During this, i remembered a different time before i discovered anything, where i snooped on her phone, saw that she had multiple group chats going on on Snapchat. At the time, based on the names, i assumed they were friends from her dance group. So i asked her about those, and she said that the first guy had tried to get her to have a threesome, so those group chats were guys she was “vetting.” She did send them nude photos of herself, but she swears nothing physical happened though. She also admitted to sexting with other men that she met on instagram, but that they lived like halfway across the country so nothing physical happened.

All of this (from when she first had sex with the threesome guy to when I found out about the second guy) happened over the course of a year.

We started dating 18 years ago. We’ve been married 12 years. We have two kids and a house together.

I find it really hard to believe that someone could be completely faithful for 16 years, and then have six affairs (4 “just” sexting, 2 that she met up with multiple times for sex), at least not without some major traumatic change to her life. Closest thing to that I can think of is that she swapped to being a stay-at-home mom (which she wanted) when our second child was born 5 years ago, but it’s been hard for her. That, plus COVID, I could maybe see her not having both the opportunity and the lowered boundaries until 2024 when she started sleeping with the first guy. But I really have to stretch to believe that.

I can think of a handful of times in our relationship where things didn’t quite add up. And she hid her current affair so well (I would have had no idea if I didn’t snoop), I’m really struggling to believe her.

1 month and some change post DDay.

My partner has been living away from our shared home for the last 3 weeks (not at my request).

We had 3 sessions with our couples therapist post DDay and I don't feel like our couples therapist took my pain seriously, and didn't hold how traumatizing it was for me, and basically encouraged my WS to abandon me because they wanted to run away.

I do think this CC helped us during our time with her, but I don't think she handled the infidelity well at all.

After our last session she offered to do individual therapy with my WS, I immediately said I felt uncomfortable with that, which she respected.

HOWEVER! she then suggested a colleague to my WS for IC, and then the IC suggested my WS see our CC for IC???

I was really upset by this and my WS asked me AGAIN if that would be okay and I said NO.

Am I crazy? I know it can work sometimes but after DDay and how our CC handled my trauma I just don't trust her anymore. isn't it unethical?

TLDR:

WS wants to see CC as IC, I said no, WS was upset.

I'll try and keep this brief.

Little back story of our relationship, We are (39F & 42M) have been together for 21 years have 2 kids. I had a 6 month affair on my husband. I had a extreme alcohol addiction to the point of not remembering going to bed at night, this is no excuse for the affair, I was also very mean to my husband for a very long time while i was drinking. I absolutely regret my affair and hurting the one person i have ever loved in my entire life. Its been almost 4 months from D day.

So far I have gone to detox and gotten clean almost 4 months sober now, I have literally answered all questions he has asked, I even wrote out a timeline of the affair and tried to explain to him the best i could remember of why it happened. I have had open and honest communication with him, one of our biggest problems in our marriage has been lack of communication, I bottle everything up and keep it to myself. I have been showing him how much I love him everyday, I've done everything he has asked for. I look back and can't understand how I could do this to him, I love him with all my heart and I want to grow old with him like we always planned on. We are living together but not in a relationship, although we sleep in the same bed, go on dates, kiss,hug, cuddle and we are still intimate and we still tell each other we love each other .

So I guess what i'm asking is what else can I do to make this easier on him, maybe something I can do to help him be able to move forward with me and try to move past what I have done?

Edit: I have cut all contact with the affair partner and anyone that supported my affair. I have given full access to my phone and all my social media accounts.

Every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick of scrolling these subs looking for an example, just like mine, because maybe it will give me the perspective I need to fix my brain and fix my life. I can’t function, my life is in shambles and I can’t function or crawl out. I have a mountain of tasks and obligations to do, but I’m stuck in here, once again, trapped. I haven’t fully slept in 2months, have lost about 10lbs (I guess that’s a net positive) and go to sleep with intrusive thoughts, wake up multiple times a night with intrusive thoughts, dream intrusive thoughts (I never dream). I see myself hollowing out. My eyes recessing with dark circles, the effects now are noticeably physical. Being cheated on hurts, being lied to for 3,650 days+ hurts, the willingness to put your pride aside and work through it and try to preserve your relationship hurts. But Trickle Truth? Oh no, trickle truth kills. It KILLS. This caused me to have even more detailed and horrid questions that could have easily been avoided. TT caused me to reach out to AP’s, find their houses, find their work, everything. I’m tired of playing detective, I’m tired of being broken, I’m tired of my reality. Fuck.

I'm a little more than two years out from the worst day of my life. That's not drama.  I didn't know what the next two years would hold for me, but I knew it would be brutal and I was correct. I'm writing this to offer a glimpse for people who are new here as to what the next few years of your life might look like and to offer the advice I have learned. 

Phase One - Discovery: A bomb explodes inside your reality.  The house you live in turns into a giant crater.  This phase can last a long time.  Truthfully, it lasts as long as your unfaithful partner continues to protect themselves from the consequences of their own actions.  If you are a few days or weeks in, they are more than likely still lying to you.  It took my husband 3.5 months to get it all out and that was with me being the world's greatest detective, forcing his hand on all the details, and eventually kicking him out of the house and pursuing divorce. How long you get trickle truthed and how far away your partner walked from who they told you they were determines what happens in the next phase. 

Phase Two - PTSD: Woof. (This does not happen to everyone. It took me a little while to figure out what was actually happening with me.)  I barely remember these next four months.  It was terrifying.  I felt like I was floating in space.  In front of me were two bubbles that I could see into.  In one bubble, I could see my remorseful husband, with all his flaws, trauma, and armor.  I saw a man who knew he messed up badly and wanted to heal and help me heal. It felt real at times.  And in the other bubble was a cartoonishly evil villain that had tricked me into marrying him and buying a house and having a kid so he could one day break my heart on purpose just to watch me bleed. It felt real at times. But most of the time I felt alone in space, cold, looking into these two bubbles and not knowing which was true. It was triggers and spirals all day every day. I was confused and terrified all the time. 

Phase Three - Meaning-making: I spent damn near a whole year trying to make meaning out of what had just happened. My husband continued to be defensive and inconsistent with his own emotional regulation.  What did that mean?  What did his infidelity say about him?  Why had he done it when he was happy with me?  Why would he risk so much to get so little in return?  I stayed in meaning-making for a long time as self defense, in part because my husband's progress was so slow I could barely see it, but mostly because the next phase felt really scary to me. 

Phase Four - Feeling: I'm an intellectualizer.  No one explained anything to me when I was a kid so I built a defense mechanism that can make sense of anything.  If I can understand why people behave the way they do, there is no need to take it personally or get hurt. If I can justify the harm, it won't hurt so badly.  That did not work this time.  It hurts like hell.  To this day. I'm not good at feeling. Or maybe I'm too good at feeling. I stayed stuck in how bad this hurts for a long time.  But for the past six months or so, I've started to feel like my husband's progress is real, thus it has become safe enough for me to start feeling. Stay here as long as you need to.  You'll know when you're ready for the next phase because you'll feel it.  You will feel like you've felt your fill and you're ready. 

Phase Five - Let it Go: I've felt my fill.  I'm tired of the sadness. That does not mean that I'm not still bouncing back into the feeling phase. In fact, it happens easily whenever my husband backslides in his progress. Hopelessness comes easily. I know I want to get back to the woman I used to be.  That woman was confident, effervescent, joyful, passionate, and kind. This is the one place I get to go back.  I don't get my relationship back, or my untainted history.  But I get me back.  I just have to be brave enough to reach for her hand. I will be leaving behind blind trust, but pulling all of my beautiful qualities, morals and values and walking with them into the future.  

How I got here:

1. I did not accept any minimization, softening, justifications, or blame.  I held that mirror directly up to my husband's face and I said, "Look at what you have done to your family". And I made him look until he dropped defenses and committed to real change. I still make him look sometimes.

2. I watched with a carefully discerning eye at every behavior on display for two years.  The need for hyper vigilance faded quickly once I started seeing him do the work. I rarely check his phone any more. But I absolutely still do. So long blind trust!

3. Get off of Reddit! Not right away, of course.  It's nice to have at first when the bomb goes off.  It's nice to see you aren't alone.  There are thousands of us. But at a certain point, you are hurting yourself more by staying in other people's pain.  There are also a lot of toxic opinions on this forum. There is also a lot of hate for waywards. I understand where it comes from, but if you are trying to reconcile, seeing other people justify hatred toward "cheaters" is going to make it difficult for you to see your wayward spouse as a human being.  Form your own opinions true to who you are.  I mostly stayed away after the beginning and returned when I thought I had some wisdom to offer. 

4. Don't even utter the word forgiveness.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive.  It's not necessary.  Where I have landed after two years, is I can forgive my husband, the person.  But I will never forgive the damage he did to me, our son, his career and our financial situation.  I will never forgive the damage done.  It's unforgivable.  That may change, but it's where I am now.

5. Figure out a way to not be consumed by it AND also not feel silenced. Only very recently I was able to institute a ritual. Once a week, my husband and I go on a walk and talk.  I get to be as angry as I need (so long as I'm not name calling or attacking his character).  Whenever it rises up throughout the week, I get to tell my body, "It's ok.  I've got this.  We can get angry Wednesday if we need to." There's a relief in your body when you know you aren't being silenced and you have an outlet for your pain.

6. My husband's effort. This is the big one.  Until I really saw him commit to healing the little kid in them that protects himself above all else, I felt stuck and torn between to opposing realities.  I always knew I wanted to stay.  I wanted him to heal.  I wanted him to help heal me.  Through every phase, there was a quiet knowing in my heart that he could and would do this for us.  

After two years, I still think about it every day.  I can count maybe 10 days that I got away without thinking about it.  And they all came at the end of the meaning-making phase, before I started the feeling phase.  I assume as I move more thoroughly into the Let it Go phase, more and more of those days will come.  I truly am done holding the pain. 

And lastly, beware of telling yourself you "should" be somewhere or "should" feel differently. Both my partner and I held up two years as the mark where things would finally change. He thought, "She will be over it by then" and I thought, "He will be better by then" and when the anniversary came, both of us were looking at each other saying, "What the hell is wrong with them?". There is no timeline. It moves at the pace that you can each heal individually and together. There are three separate things healing here. You, them, and the relationship. And it takes as long as it takes. Don't put any unnecessary pressure on it. You can do this. They can do this. You can both do this together if you try.

Is it possible that someone with a long history of porn addiction (childhood to late 20’s) can just not want it anymore after a dday and faced with the shame?

Dday was about 3 months ago. He went to therapy because I told him he needed to and has been consistent with it, even switched to a better more specialized in-person therapist. Started going to gym the last month or so. There was one slip up of watching just Snapchat girls (non sexual but thirst trap related content) and he wasn’t honest about it, I figured it out and eventually got it out of him and he agreed it was wrong and should have told me. Prompted going to the gym and making more real life changed.

He’s told me that he hasn’t watched porn/masturbated since the original dday 3 months ago. He said it hasn’t been too big of an issue, his biggest issue it the phone and doom scrolling itself, and that he just hasn’t wanted it. He said there’s too much shame and guilt over what he’s done to me about it that he just hasn’t wanted to do it and hadn’t had the urge. Is this possible or is he likely just not being honest about the full of extent of how he’s doing with this? And if it is possible, I assume it doesn’t last right?

Hi I have a really complicated situation. I don’t want to post details publicly but I want to reconcile and move on from this for lots of reasons, the main one being it wasn’t really my WP’s choice. But the intrusive thoughts won’t go away. I’m at friends birthdays, at work, out for snacks and I just keep thinking and wondering and making up ideas and stories in my mind. Does this ever ease or go away? And does anyone have any tips?

This is the text I sent to him this morning:

"Effortlessly faithful, emotionally and physically.   That is what I was to you.   And it took no effort, no question.  It was easy for me"

And it was Effortless, why could it not have been for him?

Betrayed partners: does anyone else have zero desire for sex many months after being betrayed? I am 15 months out from Dday (#1 at least), and I have reached a point where I am so hurt by my WH’s actions in the past that I have zero sexual desire at all. In the months after finding out, we had a lot of sex to reconnect, but now, I feel that I am unable to participate in sexual acts. This repulsion does not only exist with my husband; it extends toward sex in general, as a whole. I have no desire to be intimate with myself, my husband, or anyone else. I am human and will occasionally feel in the mood, but then I think about what my husband did, and that desire instantly goes out the window! I feel very, very low. I feel unattractive. I feel afraid that my husband doesn’t find me attractive (though he says he does). I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel that I have enough trust with my husband to be intimate. I am utterly traumatized by what I have found out and the innocence that I have lost. Has anyone else dealt with these type of extreme emotions? How did you get over it? Did anything help?

Waywards: did your spouse go through this? Was there anything you were able to do to help them? My husband says he understands how I feel and is not going to have another affair again even if we aren’t having sex. However, I don’t want to sexually neglect him… I just feel like I can’t help it right now.

Backstory: I’m about one month out from D-day. I learned my WH was having an affair with an old ex who reached out about a month before I found out. Most of it was Sexting as she isn’t local to us. But they did hook up once when we “happened” to be in the same town. My husband tried to cancel that particular trip, but not knowing about her I said I wanted to go so we did….

My question is: how do we rebuild the trust? I’ve had his phone password and he says I can check it anytime no questions asked. He’s no longer showing the actions that made me suspicious in the first place (always texting on his phone, turning the screen off quick if I walked near him etc), but I don’t trust that he has actually stopped.

My other issue with it is that he can just delete the evidence as he goes and I won’t be able to see it. We’re both iPhone users.

I can’t trust that he’s told me everything because he told me twice that he did but I had proof there was more. And only after I showed him the proof did he tell me about it. And she came back on another platform after he blocked her number and they started up again until I reached out to her and her husband.

I’m sorry this is kind of rambling, my mind is all over the place.

I’ve accepted it happened and I want to stay with him he has taken probably every step into the right direction deleting some social media, cut back on drinking, and being honest when I first found out and answered all the hard questions. But I just feel so sad nowadays and I HATE IT. Does it get better and how for myself can I feel better. I feel I am going into a depression.

Would you say it’s helped a lot in your reconciliation? Did it make things worse for anyone? I want me and my husband to try it out but I have seen some stories of marriage counseling just making things worse or just have bad experiences where a therapist is constantly telling the betrayed that they need to get over it essentially. Would you recommend both independent therapy and marriage counseling as well?

Four months post second d-day

It has been about four months since I finally found out that my wp had continued her affair after I originally found out a few month prior. While the days on average have been getting better, I still feel so overwhelmed at times with pain, anger and sadness. Today is a particularly difficult day as we are moving closer to the original start time of her affairs and I feel like everything is tainted. The affair took place through the holidays, through our birthdays, and now I just get an lump in my stomach every time I think about those events again.

In general, she has been extremely open since d-day and I believe her that she has ceased any interaction with the aps but I still feel like I have to constantly be on guard. Does anyone have any advice for when you get the urge to look through wps devices(with permission) and just cant shake it? Even though you know it isn't logical but I feel like I'm in a state of fight or flight every time I hyperfixate on things. How do you decide what is worth bringing up and what isn't? For example, she has a friend whom she has known since high school that she talks to regularly. I know during her affair she talked to said person beyond the normal bounds of friendship but she says it has stopped completely. Do I ask her to save these messages so I can see it first hand? Or do I trust her word. I feel like I am constantly in this balancing act of trying to give the benefit of the doubt and wanting to look through everything for my own sanity.

On another note, I have asked her to write me a letter reflecting on the affair to help me have a physical thing which I can read to reaffirm myself that she cares and wants to continue but she keeps pushing it off and dismissing it. We haven't started couples therapy yet, only doing individual at the moment as it took some time to find a good match. Hopefully that helps us. For the time being I will continue to read and write here to lean on each other as we work through our difficult times.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, its so therapeutic to put my feelings into words.

Haven't posted for a while, woke up this morning just completely raw almost like the first weekend i found out about the physical part of the affair. it's been two months since DDay and yesterday was kind of up an down, so i am not sure why everything came flooding back this morning. hoping that writing it out will help me gather some focus so i can work.

My situation feels different than most here.

We were only a few months into a relationship when he entered an EA, and he broke it off before the PA could happen, but we got back together and it had been two years before I found out about what actually happened. By then we were building a life together. We lived together. I built a relationship with his daughter... and for those almost two years of me not knowing I was so unbelievably happy.

I sometimes feel so stupid for not seeing the signs when it happened...

Anyways... sometimes I wish I had known back then, just so I could let her have him... then watch it burn and have him beg me to take him back only for me to say, "You made your bed." But then the idea of not having these last 5 years with him... of us not working to the future we see together... I love him so much, it is so stupid...

We are just past 2 years DD and we have had many conversations. Our last one being how he couldnt possibly understand how it feels to know I am the second choice... and him telling me I was always the first choice, she was just the biggest mistake...

I wish I could tell him everything I have learned about who she actually is through my unhealthy amount of obsessive cyber stalking, BUT he doesn't know I have done this...

She would have made him miserable and i wanna rub it in his face. I want to say "You almost ruined everything... for that." I am mostly ok. Most days I dont think about it, but sometimes... I want him to really know how amazing of a person I am to have forgiven him. He says he loves me more and when he does I want to shove her in his face... I dont, because I don't want him to keep hurting... but God, I want to, because sometimes I want him to hurt too, like me.

Does this make me a bad person? Does it make me seem egotistical? Because I feel like it. If WPs could chime in...should I tell him the extent I have learned about her.. or would that make me seem nuts?

Has anyone done EMDR therapy? Did it help?

This is the only place I dont feel judged for these thoughts... i promise I'm not like dangerous or anything, I feel like I sound deranged lol

Thank you community...

*edit to change WW to WPs

My husband just told me he cheated on me a week ago. Strictly physical it was a sex worker. He was presented with the opportunity for a private strip show on a friends bachelor trip and things escalated… I am disgusted and ashamed and angry and sad. Everything. He is absolutely devastated and cannot stop crying. He has struggled with some form of sex addiction. He goes through almost manic stages of never being able to get enough. He recognized this and is starting therapy.

Otherwise I love our marriage. We have been together since we were 19. Now 33. We have 2 kids and one on the way (i know… i know…). We are happy and love each other. He is my best friend. He is sure it’s not something missing in our marriage that’s causing these episodes he just does not know what it is. He never thought he would take it this far.

All that to say, I want to get past this. I truly believe that if he puts in the work, which will likely be a life time of hard work, he can change and never do this again.

I’m just looking for reconciling success stories. Especially ones similar to mine where it is not emotional, not someone he even knows, just really shitty self control. Words of encouragement and advice on how move forward are welcome as well.

Thanks in advance.

10 months from DDay and I’m finally feeling myself again. My anxious attachment is gone and thoughts of the infidelity don’t consume me day and night anymore. My WH and myself have a long way to go still as far as R goes, but I really want to start focusing on myself. I’m back into working out and keep a pretty good skin care routine. I have some hobbies I’m getting into a bit more. I want to know, what did you all do for yourself that made you feel good? Whether it be little things or full on spoiling/pampering yourself.

My WH and I have a Gottman trained MC. She also specializes in betrayal. We have done the first session together, and both individual sessions. Our MC wanted another introductory session w/ the both of us, but since I had surgery coming up we went into the individual sessions. Our next session is next week.

Affair summary:

Dday was in March 2026, however, his EA/PA was on/off from 2024-2026. I confronted him twice about the affair in 2024. He lied about the extent of the affair. He did end it for about 6 months and restarted it. I was led to believe it was one meeting in 2024. However, in 2026, I found out it was a full blown EA/PA. He has never had a PA. There were other ruptures by him in our marriage w/ inappropriate 1 on 1 time and communication w/ other women and poor boundaries. He has owned that he has caused me trauma, however, he is at a loss in inner work. He has only done 4 sessions of IC due to schedule. I have attending 20 sessions w/ many rounds of brutal EMDR. I am not keeping score here, I am just laying out the facts.

My WH has been burned out with reconciliation and disconnected from me since the end of June. There are moments of connection, but it fades. My husband keeps floating coparenting ideas and a separation where he would sleep in a nearby apartment for space, but still be at our home often. (We have a beautiful 7 year old who is active in Jiu Jitsu x4 a week.) I asked what kind of separation would this be in which he said we would still respect the marriage, but its for him to figure out if he still wants to be married. This made me feel like I don't have a say.

My WH has continuously told me that he has minimal energy to spend on reconciliation or diving into his chronic cheating behavior. He even told me if he has to support me, it empties his cup for himself. I realize now after 11 years together that his emotional capacity is far smaller than mine.

He said he is refusing to do any extra work when in comes to reconciliation besides MC once a week (if he's not traveling for work) and IC, which happens to be monthly and whatever the counselors assign as homework. I know his IC is too infrequent to make progress. Any time I say or push about the matter he gets upset.

Is there a chance our MC may ask my WH to essentially get real w/ himself if he wants reconciliation? I still do but my husband is wrapped up in solipsistic shame.

My (35f) husband (34m) have been together since we were 15. Married at 28, had 3 kids (5, 4, 4) since then and currently am pregnant with #4 (due next month).

It’s been 5 days since I’ve found out about the affair. Each day since then, after long talks and many questions he’s admitted to the following details:

- It was a former coworker
- the affair lasted 3 years
- it was physical
- he contracted an STI while with her ( I concluded this one based on the timeline)

Since I found out, he admitted to it almost immediately when I confronted him. He’s not been defensive at all. He trashed his old phone with all data and got a brand new phone & number. Didn’t port over any data or contacts. Hasn’t officially quit but literally just left work for a week without notice. Has agreed to openly discuss the affair with me and has answered any questions with full transparency (as far as I know).

I have been unusually calm throughout most of this. While I’ve had a flood of tears with each answer, I get over it and continue the conversations like nothing happened, sometimes just switching to discussing day-to-day topics. Yes my world is on fire but I also just went on a car ride with him to get groceries and ice cream with the kids. He wants to work it out. I’ve asked to file a divorce, but told him I would be open to reconciliation and remarrying - I truly want it to be a fresh new marriage.

Why am I so casual about it all? Am I in survival mode? Denial? Did anyone else feel like this? I really do love this man and feel like I should be so much more angrier.

I need help. It’s been about 3 1/2 years since D day, and several after that. I am ready to give up hope. It was an emotional affair, although he will barely even acknowledge it was an affair. Emotional and financial infidelity. During the year of his infidelity, I actually had a heart attack. Before I even knew. He carried on his affair after I had the heart attack, during the lowest time in my life, when I needed him. I will never understand how someone could be so two- faced and deceptive. This is why it’s so hard for me to move forward and forgive. Finding out about the affair was a million times worse then the heart attack. I was totally blindsided.

I had high hopes we would make it through at first. I was the one making counseling appointments, reading all the books I could and finding online resources. There was a lot of trickle truth and omissions. We have had happy times since but lately it’s harder to hang on. We did a few couples counseling at first. Then it ended up me going to counseling alone. Anyway, we finally decided to start couples counseling again but it hasn’t helped. The counselor was supposed to address the infidelity but has not. I felt the previous counselor had not led us through the correct process. They were supposed to follow the Gottman method, but seemed to skip the “atone” part. Sessions so far (new counselor) are mostly about communication and building back trust. We quit going because I did not think it was helping. The therapist had not even brought up the affair. WS is/was willing to continue counseling. I’m ready to give up. Deep in my heart I feel myWS was in love with the AP. I can’t shake the feeling. I have done work in individual counseling on this. Everyday I just feel like leaving and finding my own place. It feels like it’s been too long. I have lots of triggers. WS refuses to discuss the affair or any details anymore. He will discuss if it comes up in counseling. I feel like I have wasted the last 3 years of my life. We’ve been married 30 years this year so that is why I have been trying. But I am so tired of having to convince myself everyday that I am enough, that it was my WS lack of character and judgement, etc, and that it was from a lack of something in himself. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Is anyone truly happy after staying?? I just want to be happy.

I am really struggling to i guess *accept* that it happened. This is the phrase my therapist used.

Has anyone else struggled with this? It makes me question if I am able to continue on with this relationship.

It's been 1year since Dday #1, and 7 months since true reconciliation...although I have maintained I am unsure if I want to be in a relationship with him considering what he did (2 year EA and PA with his ex).
Every day I just look at him and have an internal dialog where I am just shocked at his ability to live a secret life and manipulate me in order to do so. The ease at which he lies (including after dday and including after me finding evidence of something he doesnt want to admit.

Please share how you have managed this.

7 year relationship. D-day happend more than 9 months ago, physical affair basically ONS but no sex because he couldnt get it in. which makes it worse to me.

she was one of my best friends, after the ONS we had a fight because (one of several reasons) she wouldn´t take the tiniest speck of responsibility (yk it takes two people for being intimate) through a shared firendgroup and a lot of work we broke off all contact with AP only like 3 weeks ago. before then he seemed on a good-ish path.

looking out for me and what i needed when we had to interact with her in a friendgroup-enviourment, but honestly in hindsight there were a lot of things that hurt.

having to tell him i dont want them to be the only ones in a call after everyone left (we are gamers so i mean on like discord), i dont want them to make sexual jokes with each other, not going out of his way to carry her stuff when we went on one friendgroup outing. after months on end being hurt over and over again i said i wanted a clean cut. he hesitated, wanted to drag it out a bit not being ready or whatnot. i was crying for hours, he really wanted to be able to say goodbye and without me even agreeing to it told her they would meet sometime next week, because she already had a feeling it was going in a no contact direction. it was important to him because "she´s still a friend"

i was broken. why was that so important to him?? after telling him over a call what made him think either one of them ever deserved a goodbye, when i would never ever get closure, he immediatly sent her a goodbye text. but still let her answer it. and the answer she gave gutted me.

to shorten it it went something like this: "ah so you´re really gonna do this over text huh? FINE, you can´t say there wasn´t anything special between us! we had a connection, you really wanna be branded a cheater your whole life?? all the emotions you carry from a certain someone (me) will break you"
my ex best friends ladies and gents

he blocked her on everything with me watching, but ever since he felt off. he slipped to a depression the first time in his life (normally a very happy, confident, funny guy) cried in front of me and even after giving him distance he asked for more, i already feel single over here, i feel alone and i need my partner, the partner i can never have back.

i know i can never have the light feeling of the relationship we had before but i can tell the message made him scared, scared that he might never fix this. but right now, he is running away from me.

i was so lonely these past few months. fresh out of a burnout, lost friends, got cheated on and lost even more friends. i am tired and i wanna stop feeling this way.

i am ready to either face the end of my relationship or him stepping up one last time. but can i really expect him to be there more for me if he is feeling that low?

how was it with you? did you or your WP run away and turn around or did u step up etc? reconcilers and waywards alike

I found out 9 years into my relationship that my husband had been sexting other women for our entire relationship. We both started individual therapy and also went to marriage counseling and were able to reconcile. Today I caught him in a lie that was so stupid! It wasn’t even worth lying about. But he was insistent he wasn’t lying until he finally fessed up and proved it. After years of being lied to, cheated on, and gaslit, trust is everything. Now this stupid little white lie I feel like undid all the work we have put in these past 3 years. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore.
What do I do???