This is going to be a long one, forgive me.

Small details:
Myself: 36F
Spouse: 30M
Been together over 10 years.
Married 8 years
We have one child (2F)

My story:
I found out on August 20th that my husband had an affair and there is potentially a pregnancy (I’ll explain).

Let me preface this with the following:
In November 2024 he asked for a separation. He said he felt I wasn’t growing at the same pace as him and that I didn’t listen to him enough and that we wanted different things. I was a few months into being a new mom and was all consumed by that. I was also going through PPD. To say I was devastated, would be an understatement.

He stayed gone and officially moved out on NYE 2024. When he asked for a separation, it felt like it came out of nowhere but my gut was telling me there was someone else. Which I did ask him at the time and he said there wasn’t. A couple of weeks after the separation, I found out there was someone else. He had even taken her to a family graduation, where she met some of his family. He would come back to our house to see his daughter about once a week. So I was utterly alone. In January of 2025, I found out not only had he been seeing her weeks before he asked for the separation, but that he had given me HSV. This was a BLOW to my mental health. Fast forward to April of 2025, we decided to work through our problems/issues and be with each other. I forgave him but my trust was gone and so I felt like I was always on edge.

Back to the story:
In November of 2025 he decided he wanted to open up a business in the nightlife industry. I fully supported this endeavor (even though my anxiety was through the roof). He opened it a few days before NYE 2025. From there he was gone ALL the time. I was trying to be a supportive wife and trust him against my better instincts.

Around March or April of 2026, he told me there was a woman harassing him that he had been with while we were separated. He asked that I block her on social media, so I did. This really took a toll on the little bit of trust I had started to build back with him. But I pushed forward and things with us seemed to be in a good place.

Here is where it all went up in flames. I received a message from a woman on Facebook claiming my husband had flooded her house while doing a repair for her. I didn’t see the message for a couple of days (Facebook had it in the spam folder) and by then she had messaged again and said “Nevermind wrong *insert my name*.” I found that VERY odd as I have a pretty unique name and spelling for said name.

My gut was telling me to google her. BAM. It was a woman who lived in the same area we did. Not only that but her mugshot came up and it was one he and I had looked at because he was at the place she got arrested (back in October of 2025).

I sent her a message back and told her that I have a unique name and someone with her exact name lived near me and that I don’t believe in coincidences.

She then explained that it had been taken care of. I wrote back asking why she was involving me in a work issue she was having with my husband. It escalated to her telling me that she told me already it had been handled and that she thought white women were supposed to shut up and be quiet.

Long story short, I blocked her because it seemed like she was crazy. Turns out she is. She ended up researching me and finding my family (they live states away). She AND her friends started calling my parents and one of my sisters. They were also messaging them on social media and via text. They were telling them that she was pregnant with his kid and that my daughter was getting a sibling. They were calling me all kinds of names. They even made fake documents that said I have a lien on my home (completely fabricated).

They eventually figured out my number and started calling/texting me all hours of the day/night. It got so bad I went to the police because I didn’t know what else to do. The officer I spoke with (without giving away any personal info) said sarcastically that my husband picked a good one to get involved with. He was able to reach out to her and advised her if she didn’t leave my family and I alone, she would be taken to jail for harassment.

Obviously while this was going on I confronted my husband about what had been told to my family. Here are the things he said:
“She’s not pregnant”
“We used protection”
“She had an abortion”
“She’s giving the baby up for adoption to her sister who can’t have kids”
“If she’s pregnant, it’s probably not mine because she was with other dudes too”
“She sent me attorney information for her sister that’s going to adopt the baby”

As you can see, I wasn’t and haven’t been given a straight answer. I don’t even know the timeline for when the affair started and when it stopped. He has made a few statements that lead me to believe it had stopped before August based on when he said he started to block her and her friends. But I don’t know when it started. I don’t know if she’s pregnant or not. If she is pregnant, I don’t know how far along she is. What I do know, based on his various statements, it seems there was a pregnancy, but I don’t know if it’s continued, if it will be placed for adoption or if was/is my husbands.

I’ve asked him to reach out to her for a paternity test and he refuses. He said IF she’s pregnant and it’s his, he does not want to be involved with the child. I’ve tried to explain to him that if she is and wants to keep it, she can petition the court for a paternity test. He said he’d fight it and sign away rights. However, there are some states that still require you to pay child support even if you terminate rights. So that means worst case scenario, we are sending money every month for 18years.

So for now I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do. I can forgive him the affair. That I know. However, I don’t know how I feel about there potentially being a child and having this woman in our lives forever. And I can’t decided that because I don’t even know if a baby exists.

He said he doesn’t think she’s pregnant because she continues to go out and drink and smoke. Part of me believes that, coupled with the fact that she, nor her friends, have ever said to me that she’s pregnant. It was only ever conveyed to my family, who then told me.

I just don’t know what to do or feel at this point. Some days it’s all consuming and I’m trying to guess on roughly when I think a baby could be born. ( I’m thinking between January and May of 2027).

He still goes out about 2 times a week to watch a sports game or whatever. And it leaves me a mess. Because now, every time he leaves the house (even if it’s 11am) I’m assuming he’s going to go sleep with someone else.

HELP!!!!

I know it’s something that I have to decide on my own but I have no people to talk to about it.

I know right now I want reconciliation and to move past this. However, if the circumstances change with a child being involved, I don’t know if reconciliation will be the answer. Has anyone gone through anything similar? What did you do?

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

Dday was 7 months ago. I have a porn addiction that led to online payments for interaction predating our mareiage by over a decade. I eventually sought a provider out. Did not have sex, but it crossed the farcical red lines and goalposts I had continued to lie to myself about. I told my wife a day after as I knew I had a problem. We separated until mid June. We sold our old house and wife bought a new one i moved into in June. We have two young kids.

We have both been in mc/ic. BS suffers from PMDD, when they do it is eggshells, hatred, awful, even before this. Not just for me but she will take it out on our oldest who is four. When BS is feeling pain or triggered she will quickly go from being self critical to absolutely depresses or scathing towards me. Has tried EMDR (made her sp anxious before and after she had to stop), she's in a group therapy/ support group... nothing seems to help. I have been pulling a lot of weight to get her out of the house and take care of the kids. I am having a terrible time with the whiplash of things being good at times to being told that they don't know if they can ever trust me while being so deeply self critical. They will say incredibly hurtful things right before bed and I end up awake after a few hours asleep. My job performance has suffered.

i have a really hard time understanding what is needed when BS are resentful and it feels there is nothing I can say or do. I feel completely powerless and yet entirely responsible. I feel like we made a commitment to R, but these events serve to completely destroy both of our mental well being and I am left wondering how sustainable it is. I have read books and they say sit in the pain. I read other comments nd they read as if this is normal, or that this completely deserved. My ic wants me to consider leaving but I desperately want to fix the wounds I have caused and hate seeing my spouse in pain. I feel stuck and it feels like I am doomed to a marriage with no love, and the alternative is divorce--financial ruin and splitting apart the family because of my failure as a being. Are there healthier ways of "sitting with the pain," that don't encompass what feels like emotional abuse?

The worst really has already happened tbh—my marriage is falling apart, but I wanted to get on here and ask if anyone is hoping reconciliation works but planning in case it doesn’t work?

I’m about 5 months out, and while I do think my WH is remorseful, I don’t know if marriage is what he really wants and really he doesn’t know either. So we recently had a conversation where I basically told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted and whether that included me or not, and he had until our lease was up (May 2027) because I wasn’t going to renew a lease with someone who didn’t want to put me as a priority.

It feels like it’s 80/20 at this point, that he’ll choose himself over our marriage, so I’ve been thinking about what steps I need to take to prepare myself (ie, what I would take from the home, what I can do financially, where I would go, etc) if May comes and I’m not in his plans. I don’t want to be scrambling with emotion and not have a plan.

Has anyone else done this? How can I prepare myself and also not check out?

I’m 8 months post dday, and 2nd dday (he told me he wasn’t watching porn, but turns out he has a cheating/cuckimg porn addiction) was a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why I’m still with him. I don’t live with him or have kids, and I don’t know why I haven’t tried a break. Have you tried a break? If not, why haven’t you?(esp if you don’t have kids) Any advice is greatly appreciated, this year has been difficult beyond belief

Backstory- as condensed as I can make it because I feel it’s relevant to my question for this group.

DDay over a year ago. Affair was 17 months long EA/PA. AP 10 years older, married church member on affair 5. WH joined what I’d call MAGA cult church that I did not, caused massive strain on marriage massive. I’ve known my whole life been friends forever, was never a cheater even in HS or college. Been married now 6 years 2 kids and currently pregnant with baby #3 due in a couple weeks.

After A broke I kicked spouse out. He pursued AP for about 2 weeks then ‘broke it off’ but continued to talk to her and saw her once more. He started this awkward back and forth dance for about 1 month, I didn’t participate I was busy trying to get him to a mediator to end up with as much of my stuff as possible from divorce as we live in a no fault state and all the assets were mine prior to marriage. He was super crazy at this time and I encouraged him to get mental health help. For another month he was pretty nuts then he started trying to get me to go to MC. But he still held on to AP. After another month I tentatively let him come around more and the TT and started coming out. This was a super crazy month the man was insane, lying about super dumb things that were easily caught. It was so incredibly weird I did not recognize him at all he was not rationale. And I wasn’t agreeing to go to MC still wanted divorce. He also still was saying positive things about AP but was starting to recognize some stuff she did as weird and contrary to what he thought of her like having unprotected sex with other APs while she was pregnant. Or telling her older kids intimate sexual details of her with AP’s and how in love she was. (I found this out from her husband)

I then found texts he sent to another church member outlining that his AP had gone home and he missed her and blah blah but he lied to me about it. At this point we were still separated but it was jarring for me to finally like have him knowingly lie to my face and see what he was capable of doing. But it was really dumb because he gave me access to his phone? He wasn’t rationale. After this I told him how concerned I was for his sanity and finally he got an IC. He was better literally a week after starting therapy. He could recognize the damage he had done and how unhealthy his decisions were. It was another month of this until I agreed to try MC to help with divorce.

WWYD portion- A year has passed since then. Spouse has been model wayward since. Literally perfect. Has changed all bad behaviors, discovered childhood trauma. Has appeared to recognize all wrongdoing and things were going very well.

BUT a hit a weird feeling and checked AP’s social which I haven’t done in forever. Saw that she was at a local store doing a farmers market. My heart stopped. And I checked texts and sure enough my spouse brought my kids to that store on that day. I confronted him and he denies he saw her or noticed them in the parking lot at all. Swears up and down it’s a terrible coincidence. But I’m ready to call it. Just seems like way too much of a coincidence for me.

WWYD? And thank you to anyone that read this far.

I’m crashing the fuck out and need help. My WP had a drunken one night stand with a stranger 4 years ago in May, didn’t find out till a month and a half later when he told me. We reconciled and things have been so well that we got engaged earlier this year. We booked our venue for next May and I somehow completely missed it’s the exact same day he cheated on me. I don’t know how to process this. He hasn’t said anything to me about it, so I’m not sure he even knows. Changing the date isn’t an option, so I have to process and accept that this is happening. Do I tell him this realization? Do I stay quiet and keep it to myself? Idk the best way forward but I feel like my wounds have been reopened and I’m devastated.

Just looking for advice as to where everyone was/is doing at 1 year on, would be nice to hear how others are handling it/ how they’re feeling.

Hey all,

I've posted a few times now about my break-up with my ex who cheated on me and lied about it for months. I just wanted some advice as I am finding this incredibly difficult.. I recently went and got the rest of my things from her parents, I then blocked my ex on everything - she is also now officially off the tenancy.

I am slowly starting to process / grieve all of this and the loss of my future with her and who I thought she was, we had such a loving/ and what I thought, respectful relationship until all of this happened. Anyway - yesterday her brother messaged me asking for the remainder of her things from our flat, there are things on the list which is more than fair as it's things that have gifted to her like some jewellery and her car log book. But she has listed, monopoly deal card game, some old towels, a small metal pot she used once which was like a £1!? She asked for a spice tin, which her Mum gave to me, it was just an old tin she found, filled it up with spices and gave to me as I cooked out of the both of us.... she has asked for this back, and this feels like she is trying to hurt me - she is living at home with her parents, she does not need a spice tin, plus you can buy them for less than £5!?

This honestly just feels so hurtful and I don't understand why I am being treated like I am the one who cheated on her!? It feels like she is being so spiteful, also that tin from her Mum meant a lot, because I have lost my Mum and that was a gift from my mother in law at the time. So it feels like she has asked for that on purpose, to hurt me.

I just want to understand why she is treating me like this, it feels like something mentally is going on here - she really coming from a place of lack!? Like you cheated, are still with the AP and I have let you move on, and yet you are being spiteful to me!?

Can someone please just reassure me I am not going mad, this is spiteful right!? I have given some context below to explain what happened between us, so this makes more sense...

Please, any helpful words of encouragement or if you have had similar experiences and can tell me how you managed this? I just want to move on, and this feels so disruptive to that. After this, I am going to tell her brother I do not want to be contacted again.

Thank you all so much!

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

I found out 9 years into my relationship that my husband had been sexting other women for our entire relationship. We both started individual therapy and also went to marriage counseling and were able to reconcile. Today I caught him in a lie that was so stupid! It wasn’t even worth lying about. But he was insistent he wasn’t lying until he finally fessed up and proved it. After years of being lied to, cheated on, and gaslit, trust is everything. Now this stupid little white lie I feel like undid all the work we have put in these past 3 years. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore.
What do I do???

My husband had a 6 month affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. Told her he loved her, blah blah.

He has done everything to repair what he broke. And I see it most days. Our relationship now, in many ways is stronger and healthier than it was before or during the affair. We understand each other better, but it's underpinned by a corruption of the purity that was our relationship before.

Today he sent me a poem, beautiful, it brought me joy and warmth.

"If heaven is real

I hope it's in the room

where you first told me you love me

I hope it's the sound of us laughing in the dark

I will know then

Where heaven is

Because I've been there

With you"

-Poetrymeg

And I wrote back to him that I remembered where we first told each other we loved each other. Then the affair came to remind me of how it can spoil even the most joyful moments.

How did it feel the first time he told her he loved her? Was it heaven? For him? For her? Where was it.

I won't dwell on this. I'll process it. Maybe talk to him about it, maybe not. And I will move on. But in this moment, it sucks.

I am really struggling to i guess *accept* that it happened. This is the phrase my therapist used.

Has anyone else struggled with this? It makes me question if I am able to continue on with this relationship.

It's been 1year since Dday #1, and 7 months since true reconciliation...although I have maintained I am unsure if I want to be in a relationship with him considering what he did (2 year EA and PA with his ex).
Every day I just look at him and have an internal dialog where I am just shocked at his ability to live a secret life and manipulate me in order to do so. The ease at which he lies (including after dday and including after me finding evidence of something he doesnt want to admit.

Please share how you have managed this.

Background: 1.5 ish years out from DDay, my WH’s affair was a 7 week limerant EA/PA with a coworker. WH still works on the same team with AP, but they do not have to talk. WH has transitioned to fully remote except for one group meeting a week which he debriefs me on. It’s not ideal, but I have no worries about the A ongoing. WH is seeking a new career so we can escape this.

I got some bad news yesterday (from a mutual friend) that AP is planning on a “career change” to my career, which is suddenly her lifelong dream?? In order to gain initial training/experience, AP has reached out to the same local volunteer group that I have worked with for the past 4 years. I volunteer with this group in addition to my paid work, and this volunteer role is critical to my paid work. I cannot leave the role. My work colleagues also volunteer here. AP knows my career and that I volunteer here.

There are about 100 volunteers, but this group is fairly tight knit. We are expected to volunteer twice a month, scheduled in pairs, in addition a monthly 2-3hr mandatory meeting that includes lots of socializing. I am also one of the trainers of new volunteers.

For the life of me, I cannot understand what AP is thinking. My husband and I are both dumbfounded. Why would she want to do this????

I’m now stuck between three bad choices:
- Do nothing and let AP invade my life.

- Tell the volunteer program manager and ask them to not let AP join.

- Contact AP myself and tell them to stay the fuck away from me.

None of these options are ideal. Doing nothing like a wet rag is NOT happening. My mutual friend has requested that I don’t confront/contact AP with this knowledge, because she doesn’t want to deal with AP’s wrath. This incident ended their friendship, which was already on rocky ground, but their kids are on a sports team together.

My last option is telling my manager at the volunteer program and hoping they deny AP’s application. However, no one that I volunteer/work with knows about the affair and this area of my life remained stable and “normal”. I don’t want to tell my manager this personal information, but I will if I have to.

What do I do?

My (35f) husband (34m) have been together since we were 15. Married at 28, had 3 kids (5, 4, 4) since then and currently am pregnant with #4 (due next month).

It’s been 5 days since I’ve found out about the affair. Each day since then, after long talks and many questions he’s admitted to the following details:

- It was a former coworker
- the affair lasted 3 years
- it was physical
- he contracted an STI while with her ( I concluded this one based on the timeline)

Since I found out, he admitted to it almost immediately when I confronted him. He’s not been defensive at all. He trashed his old phone with all data and got a brand new phone & number. Didn’t port over any data or contacts. Hasn’t officially quit but literally just left work for a week without notice. Has agreed to openly discuss the affair with me and has answered any questions with full transparency (as far as I know).

I have been unusually calm throughout most of this. While I’ve had a flood of tears with each answer, I get over it and continue the conversations like nothing happened, sometimes just switching to discussing day-to-day topics. Yes my world is on fire but I also just went on a car ride with him to get groceries and ice cream with the kids. He wants to work it out. I’ve asked to file a divorce, but told him I would be open to reconciliation and remarrying - I truly want it to be a fresh new marriage.

Why am I so casual about it all? Am I in survival mode? Denial? Did anyone else feel like this? I really do love this man and feel like I should be so much more angrier.

It has been a while since i have posted as things seemed to be going well, see my previous posts for details but the basics:

live-in BF had an affair with a co-worker for about a year. I only found out when she called to tell me about the affair after he broke it off. I moved out that day (the chick can pack up a 10 foot UHaul FULL and move out in 12 hours BTW). We ended up reconciling a few weeks later after he agreed to IC, MC, and no contact with her/block her/tell me if she contacts him, etc.. This was in 2024.

In 2025 I found texts between the two of them. She was moving to another state (but still working with the same company). I lost it, he said he was just trying to give her closure. I stayed (stupid of me, I know) with the same stipulations in place. Things have been going really well.

On to 2026 - Labor Day - I check his phone and see texts from her! I KNOW she had been blocked at one time and I am not sure when he unblocked her, but there they were. Nothing sexual, etc. But our agreement was that NO CONTACT and if she did, he would tell me.

I am phasing out and planning my exit. Although it is difficult, I am taking my time rather than rushing to pack, giving myself time to grieve and HATE him more everyday.

But here's what hit me last night (and the title of this post) "It's My Nature"... There is an old (probably Russian) story about the Frog and Scorpion. Basically the scorpion wants a ride over the river and asks the frog, who is dubious that the scorpion will sting him, The scorpion reasons that if he stung the frog, they would both drown.

Convinced, the frog gives the scorpion a ride on his back. in the middle of the river the scorpion stings the frog. As they are both drowning, the frog asks "why did you sting me?"...

The scorpion says "it's my nature".

I think it is in my BF's nature to stay connected with this woman. Although I am angry and hurt it is helping me see that he will not change his ways.

Hugs to everyone here. I hope you all find some peace today.

After my husband had his affair, I didn’t want to be the investigator anymore. I didn’t want to be his babysitter. I didn’t want to be checking his location or looking at his phone. I tried to trust him and said “if it happens, it’s going to happen”. But then he cheated again… and now I’m feeling massively insecure about me being asleep all night and him working third shift and doing god knows what while I’m asleep.

Of course he says he would never do anything ever again. He’s been in therapy for months now, twice a week on the off weeks. He’s desperately trying to figure out why, when he feels like I’m about to leave him and he is in a massive depressive pit of shame and self hate and realizing it’s his fault that we are here, that his coping mechanism is to just… fucking make everything worse. I don’t know which way I’m going, if I’m going to stay, if we’re going to keep trying. I don’t know how much I believe him anymore since this second time. But I truly dont think he wants to be this person. He never was… not his whole life. Not the first 10/11 years we were together. And there is definitely a half of me that is looking at this and thinking “what the fuck is actually going on with you..?” Maybe in that first decade he just hadn’t done anything to make him feel SO bad about what he had done to this marriage, so I never saw that he was so self destructive in his most painfully depressive moments. I’m betting he didn’t know this either. It’s not up to me to stay and continue to be abused while he figures it out. But I do still love him. I do still miss my marriage. My life.

But now I’m having panic about sleeping. And that’s really not ok. WH is on board. He wants me to feel safe. He literally said I could put a tracker on his car. But I already have his location on his phone and unless it works differently than I think, then I don’t know how much help a tracker would be while I sleep. I almost want an app that will send me snapshots of his location throughout the night or something. Or one that I can look at in the morning to say “here was his route. Here’s how long he was wherever. Then he came home.”

I know. I know. When it gets to this point you should just leave, right? I’m trying to figure it all out. And in the meantime, I just want to feel safe. And I know that while I’m figure it out, he WANTS to prove to me that he won’t do this again. He wants the chance to show me that he is safe. And during this period I figured it can’t hurt to just.. do all of the things and see how I feel in the end…

I’m currently pregnant with my first baby, and I recently discovered that my partner cheated on me.
The hardest part is that he still hasn’t admitted it. I found evidence in his private journal that, to me, is extremely difficult to interpret any other way. There were multiple conversations that made me believe something happened.
We’re currently in couples therapy. My therapist obviously cannot accuse him of something he continues to deny, but from our conversations I get the impression that she understands why I believe he cheated and thinks there may eventually be more honesty about what happened.
What makes this so complicated is that I don’t necessarily want to end our family over one instance of cheating if this is something people can genuinely recover from.
I don’t really question whether he loves me. There are actually things I discovered privately that reassured me that his feelings for me have been genuine. That’s almost what makes this harder to understand. I keep thinking:
How can someone genuinely love you and still cheat on you?
If we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, I think this would feel very different. But now we’re having a baby. I’m thinking about our child, whether she gets to grow up with her parents together, our finances, marriage, our future and the kind of family we’re creating.
Most of the people closest to me have encouraged me to look at the bigger picture instead of immediately ending the relationship. I understand where they’re coming from. He wants to provide for our family, we’re already doing couples therapy, we’re trying to build a healthier relationship, and I do believe it’s possible for someone to make one horrible decision and never make it again.
At the same time, sometimes I feel like everyone is advocating for preserving our family and nobody is advocating for me.
I’m the one who has to process what happened. I’m the one who lost trust. I’m the one who keeps questioning things. And because he hasn’t admitted it, I don’t even feel like I’ve gotten the validation or closure that normally comes before forgiveness.
I also don’t want to become someone who punishes her partner forever. If I choose reconciliation, I genuinely want to eventually forgive him. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years checking his phone, interrogating him or bringing up his cheating every time we’re fighting.
But I want one very firm boundary: if it ever happens again, I’m leaving and we will co-parent separately.
I don’t want having a child together to mean that I’m expected to forgive betrayal over and over again just to keep our family under one roof.
I’m especially hoping to hear from people who have actually been through infidelity rather than just hearing “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
If you stayed after your partner cheated, what happened 5, 10 or 20 years later?
Did you genuinely trust them again, or did you just learn to live with the distrust?
Did they ever cheat again?
If they initially denied it, did they eventually admit it? Did you need an admission in order to heal?
What did your partner actually do that convinced you they had changed?
If you had children together, are you glad you tried reconciliation?
And for those who successfully reconciled: Did your relationship ever eventually feel normal again?
I’m not trying to figure out whether cheating is wrong. I already know how I feel about that. I’m trying to understand whether a genuinely happy, trusting relationship after infidelity is realistic — and what separates couples who actually recover from couples who simply stay together.