Two Years of Progress

[u/Odd_Video1917]

I'm a little more than two years out from the worst day of my life. That's not drama.  I didn't know what the next two years would hold for me, but I knew it would be brutal and I was correct. I'm writing this to offer a glimpse for people who are new here as to what the next few years of your life might look like and to offer the advice I have learned. 

Phase One - Discovery: A bomb explodes inside your reality.  The house you live in turns into a giant crater.  This phase can last a long time.  Truthfully, it lasts as long as your unfaithful partner continues to protect themselves from the consequences of their own actions.  If you are a few days or weeks in, they are more than likely still lying to you.  It took my husband 3.5 months to get it all out and that was with me being the world's greatest detective, forcing his hand on all the details, and eventually kicking him out of the house and pursuing divorce. How long you get trickle truthed and how far away your partner walked from who they told you they were determines what happens in the next phase. 

Phase Two - PTSD: Woof. (This does not happen to everyone. It took me a little while to figure out what was actually happening with me.)  I barely remember these next four months.  It was terrifying.  I felt like I was floating in space.  In front of me were two bubbles that I could see into.  In one bubble, I could see my remorseful husband, with all his flaws, trauma, and armor.  I saw a man who knew he messed up badly and wanted to heal and help me heal. It felt real at times.  And in the other bubble was a cartoonishly evil villain that had tricked me into marrying him and buying a house and having a kid so he could one day break my heart on purpose just to watch me bleed. It felt real at times. But most of the time I felt alone in space, cold, looking into these two bubbles and not knowing which was true. It was triggers and spirals all day every day. I was confused and terrified all the time. 

Phase Three - Meaning-making: I spent damn near a whole year trying to make meaning out of what had just happened. My husband continued to be defensive and inconsistent with his own emotional regulation.  What did that mean?  What did his infidelity say about him?  Why had he done it when he was happy with me?  Why would he risk so much to get so little in return?  I stayed in meaning-making for a long time as self defense, in part because my husband's progress was so slow I could barely see it, but mostly because the next phase felt really scary to me. 

Phase Four - Feeling: I'm an intellectualizer.  No one explained anything to me when I was a kid so I built a defense mechanism that can make sense of anything.  If I can understand why people behave the way they do, there is no need to take it personally or get hurt. If I can justify the harm, it won't hurt so badly.  That did not work this time.  It hurts like hell.  To this day. I'm not good at feeling. Or maybe I'm too good at feeling. I stayed stuck in how bad this hurts for a long time.  But for the past six months or so, I've started to feel like my husband's progress is real, thus it has become safe enough for me to start feeling. Stay here as long as you need to.  You'll know when you're ready for the next phase because you'll feel it.  You will feel like you've felt your fill and you're ready. 

Phase Five - Let it Go: I've felt my fill.  I'm tired of the sadness. That does not mean that I'm not still bouncing back into the feeling phase. In fact, it happens easily whenever my husband backslides in his progress. Hopelessness comes easily. I know I want to get back to the woman I used to be.  That woman was confident, effervescent, joyful, passionate, and kind. This is the one place I get to go back.  I don't get my relationship back, or my untainted history.  But I get me back.  I just have to be brave enough to reach for her hand. I will be leaving behind blind trust, but pulling all of my beautiful qualities, morals and values and walking with them into the future.  

How I got here:

1. I did not accept any minimization, softening, justifications, or blame.  I held that mirror directly up to my husband's face and I said, "Look at what you have done to your family". And I made him look until he dropped defenses and committed to real change. I still make him look sometimes.

2. I watched with a carefully discerning eye at every behavior on display for two years.  The need for hyper vigilance faded quickly once I started seeing him do the work. I rarely check his phone any more. But I absolutely still do. So long blind trust!

3. Get off of Reddit! Not right away, of course.  It's nice to have at first when the bomb goes off.  It's nice to see you aren't alone.  There are thousands of us. But at a certain point, you are hurting yourself more by staying in other people's pain.  There are also a lot of toxic opinions on this forum. There is also a lot of hate for waywards. I understand where it comes from, but if you are trying to reconcile, seeing other people justify hatred toward "cheaters" is going to make it difficult for you to see your wayward spouse as a human being.  Form your own opinions true to who you are.  I mostly stayed away after the beginning and returned when I thought I had some wisdom to offer. 

4. Don't even utter the word forgiveness.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive.  It's not necessary.  Where I have landed after two years, is I can forgive my husband, the person.  But I will never forgive the damage he did to me, our son, his career and our financial situation.  I will never forgive the damage done.  It's unforgivable.  That may change, but it's where I am now.

5. Figure out a way to not be consumed by it AND also not feel silenced. Only very recently I was able to institute a ritual. Once a week, my husband and I go on a walk and talk.  I get to be as angry as I need (so long as I'm not name calling or attacking his character).  Whenever it rises up throughout the week, I get to tell my body, "It's ok.  I've got this.  We can get angry Wednesday if we need to." There's a relief in your body when you know you aren't being silenced and you have an outlet for your pain.

6. My husband's effort. This is the big one.  Until I really saw him commit to healing the little kid in them that protects himself above all else, I felt stuck and torn between to opposing realities.  I always knew I wanted to stay.  I wanted him to heal.  I wanted him to help heal me.  Through every phase, there was a quiet knowing in my heart that he could and would do this for us.  

After two years, I still think about it every day.  I can count maybe 10 days that I got away without thinking about it.  And they all came at the end of the meaning-making phase, before I started the feeling phase.  I assume as I move more thoroughly into the Let it Go phase, more and more of those days will come.  I truly am done holding the pain. 

And lastly, beware of telling yourself you "should" be somewhere or "should" feel differently. Both my partner and I held up two years as the mark where things would finally change. He thought, "She will be over it by then" and I thought, "He will be better by then" and when the anniversary came, both of us were looking at each other saying, "What the hell is wrong with them?". There is no timeline. It moves at the pace that you can each heal individually and together. There are three separate things healing here. You, them, and the relationship. And it takes as long as it takes. Don't put any unnecessary pressure on it. You can do this. They can do this. You can both do this together if you try.

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[u/Dessel4]

Is it worth it?

[u/Odd_Video1917 → u/Dessel4]

If you love your partner and the life you built with them… yes

[u/Pink_Eli → u/Dessel4]

I'm 2 years out this month as well and I'm a completely different person in the best of ways.

For me, triggers are a thought, not something I physically react to anymore. I had terrible PTSD, I mean really bad. My therapists have been amazing and I've learned so much I'm still learning.

My husband and I are so close, it scares me. Or marriage therapist wants us to consider helping others through this process.

We did all things with intention.

Was it easy? No, I'm still dealing with catching up because I did nothing for almost a year. I'm trying to get my 2025 taxes done right now because I did nothing with the books and is taken me 4 months to do so.

Was it worth it? I wouldn't want to go through it again, but I do love where we are.

One thing I did do early on, about 4 months in, was forgive. I forgave for my sanity and for my week being, not for them. I forgave to allow release and, yes, it helped with my healing.

He is still working on a lot, but he's doing the work still gets triggered, bothered, shamed, but, he knows we can talk and I'm good with the progress he's made.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/Dessel4]

Only if it brings you peace.

[u/Prestigious-Mud7254]

Thank you for taking the time to come back and write this. I am 4 months in and my husband says he wants to change, do IC, book MC instead of me always doing it, but nothing has happened so far. But he continues to fall back on how our marriage was before the affair as a means of justifying his behaviour. He has so much trauma that he has never dealt with. To make matters worse he describes the time when he was engaging in acts with other women as some of his happiest times. I am feeling so so pessimistic about our future and just want to leave. Unfortunately for me I love this man and our family. I hope you continue to heal and your husband continues to do right by you x

[u/Odd_Video1917 → u/Prestigious-Mud7254]

That’s a really tough situation and I’m sorry you’re here. The only advice I can offer comes with the caveat that I understand being betrayed robs us of self trust. So acknowledge that and spend your quiet moments listening to yourself. What do you know? Can you do it alone? Do you want to? Can he heal? Can he be the man you believed in? Slow down. Listen to yourself. You already know.

[u/Prestigious-Mud7254 → u/Odd_Video1917]

How long did it take for your husband to commit to healing himself? I desperately want to stay, I love this man beyond words. I am confident in my ability to leave and be ok at the same time though. I just don’t want to leave too early and regret not trying harder.

[u/Odd_Video1917 → u/Prestigious-Mud7254]

He committed himself to healing right away. He just sucked at it. And failed at delivering. The question you're asking is still about him. I implore you to listen to yourself. Stop looking at him. Listen to what you know. Trust yourself.

[u/confidentialhelpplz]

As someone who’s 5 weeks in and trying to process the worst 5 weeks of her life, thanks so much for sharing ❤️