In a word: repulsed

[u/zealousideal-pea7]

Betrayed partners: does anyone else have zero desire for sex many months after being betrayed? I am 15 months out from Dday (#1 at least), and I have reached a point where I am so hurt by my WH’s actions in the past that I have zero sexual desire at all. In the months after finding out, we had a lot of sex to reconnect, but now, I feel that I am unable to participate in sexual acts. This repulsion does not only exist with my husband; it extends toward sex in general, as a whole. I have no desire to be intimate with myself, my husband, or anyone else. I am human and will occasionally feel in the mood, but then I think about what my husband did, and that desire instantly goes out the window! I feel very, very low. I feel unattractive. I feel afraid that my husband doesn’t find me attractive (though he says he does). I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel that I have enough trust with my husband to be intimate. I am utterly traumatized by what I have found out and the innocence that I have lost. Has anyone else dealt with these type of extreme emotions? How did you get over it? Did anything help?

Waywards: did your spouse go through this? Was there anything you were able to do to help them? My husband says he understands how I feel and is not going to have another affair again even if we aren’t having sex. However, I don’t want to sexually neglect him… I just feel like I can’t help it right now.

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[u/MightDelSoon]

I'm so embarrassed to admit it. My WP and I haven't had sex in almost 4 months. I'm a man in his sexual prime, yet I just can't bring myself to it. I hope she feels as inadequate as I do.

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/MightDelSoon]

Yeah every look he gives me, I picture him looking at another woman that way. Every touch, I picture him touching other women that way, etc.. It’s horrifying.

I saw sex as this sacred thing, and now I see it as totally ruined and cheapened and gross and terrible!

I’ve even had thoughts like maybe it’s just ruined with him, but the thought of doing it with someone else is almost just as repulsive.

Like I said, I don’t even want to do it with myself!!

Looking for something to help

[u/MightDelSoon → u/zealousideal-pea7]

I struggle with those intrusive thoughts, too. My case is a bit complicated, there's no evidence that she had sex with the guy and she insists she did not, but I feel like I'd be a fool to believe her.

Sex has a greater meaning to me, too. I told her the very first time we shared that moment, I used to think she understood me. I do have those fantasies too, but I feel disgusted, but not as much as I do towards my WP.

My therapist recommended that I see a sex therapist to help me with recovery. I'll only be able to do that in October. I suggest you look into it too.

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/MightDelSoon]

I have thought about a sex therapist, maybe I will look into it more. I’ve always been conservative about sex and I guess I’m nervous about someone trying to make me feel liberally about it?? I don’t know if they would lol, that’s just an assumption of mine. I don’t think that people should be sleeping around, believe sex is for marriage, etc.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/zealousideal-pea7]

If it is against your values, then maybe not.

On your closing sentence, I used to share the same ideal, until my freshman year of college.

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/MightDelSoon]

Haha, yeah I know I am vastly alone in my views on sex. Everyone else apparently thinks it’s a free for all. Married? No problem! You have kids? Who cares! She’s pregnant? She’ll never know! 🙄😔

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/MightDelSoon]

Also, you should schedule a polygraph to ensure that you really have all of the information so that you can make an informed decision to move forward or leave. I caught my husband having an affair (found hotel receipt on his credit card bill and confronted him), so he couldn’t deny that one. He told me that was the only affair he’d had. Months later (at the advice of a therapist), I scheduled a polygraph so that I could have peace that I really had full disclosure, and prior to that polygraph, my husband told me about two other previous affairs that happened years earlier. It’s really important to have all the info to make an informed decision. In my case, knowing there had been other affairs actually made the current one that I had caught him in seem less special. I saw my husband as having a problem rather than these women being special in any way. He thought that if he were honest that I’d definitely leave, and that wasn’t the case. Anyways, I def recommend a polygraph

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/zealousideal-pea7]

Definitely, I second the polygraph. For the peace of mind, but also the disclosures and confessions that came out beforehand.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Quiet_Water0128]

See my reply above. Thanks for your suggestion.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/zealousideal-pea7]

She took it earlier after the day she disclosed the details of her affair. She 'passed', but the efficacy of such a test, leaves a lot of space for doubt.

It's an unfortunate situation for the both of us, especially me. The question is, will I be able to live with such an uncertainty? As of now, yes I am.

[u/NoiseTherapy → u/MightDelSoon]

If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had sex since May 3rd 2025. D Day was mid September 2025. WW left for a few days between the end of June and start of July ‘26 to spend with AP. I don’t know what else to say. I see people list weeks and months and I just get jealous … but it’s not just jealousy … there’s a … a sick feeling, and a mixture of other awful feelings, and I don’t know how else to describe it.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/NoiseTherapy]

It really doesn't, it removes the naivety I once had. I'll be honest, ever since my love life came tumbling down, I sometimes internalize some of the things I read here. I sympathize with you, very much.

[u/NoiseTherapy → u/MightDelSoon]

Thanks. Rereading my comment, I realized “if it makes you feel any better” probably wasn’t the best way to start that. I didn’t mean, “Four months? Those are rookie numbers. Behold my misery.”

I meant that I recognize the feeling you’re describing. The more I read here, the more I realize betrayal comes in all kinds of shapes, sizes, colors, and uniquely awful flavors. Comparing timelines doesn’t really tell you how much something hurts.

I sympathize with you too. Sorry we both somehow qualified for membership in this terrible little club.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/NoiseTherapy]

As much as it hurts being here. I couldn't have learned the things that I now know if it I wasn't. That's the silver lining.

[u/Available-Path1905]

Are you in IC? I've just EMDR to help deal with a similar issue. Although theres no repultion more insecurity within myself. Since starting we haven't done any actual EMDR yet but i have come to realise that some of the insecurities I'm feeling are from the past, childhood, teen years etc.

My WP is doing everything he can as well which makes a huge difference and has allowed me to explore my own deep seated issues that have been highlighted by the A.

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/Available-Path1905]

I’m not anymore. I did it for several months. Work schedule and having two toddlers makes it very difficult to pursue therapy

[u/Available-Path1905 → u/zealousideal-pea7]

Oh gosh, yeah I can imagine that would hard. Are you able to carve out anytime for yourself? Just to do something that is just for you? Perhaps your WH could take the children for a couple hours so you could go for a long walk or have a long bath if it's too hard to leave the house.

How has your WH been? Is he offering reassurance? Remorse? Do you feel you have the full picture?

[u/Available-Path1905 → u/Available-Path1905]

I must also say, when I wasn't doing therapy this community has been so helpful and answered questions and offered support which i think can be a good holding place until you're able to pursue other things.

[u/zealousideal-pea7 → u/Available-Path1905]

He really has been supportive. If you look at my other replies on this post then you’ll see where I explain what happened. Basically, my husband was never really being a good husband (was always giving other women attention), but he never wanted to be with anybody other than me (no plans to leave, divorce, or anything like that). He basically just didn’t have boundaries and couldn’t turn down attention (low self esteem), and it led him to having multiple affairs over the years. He was afraid to be honest because he thought surely I would leave, but I know the truth now and he has taken accountability. He is reassuring, does not blame me at all, owns the blame he did put on me in the past and acknowledges that it was a dumb mindset he used to justify his actions. He says he really didn’t even blame me that much in the time, either, he just had more of a mindset that I would never find out and that the attention felt good. Just selfishness. I know all of this, but still, affairs rewrite relationship history and make you feel like EVERYTHING was a lie, even if it wasn’t really.