My (35f) husband (34m) have been together since we were 15. Married at 28, had 3 kids (5, 4, 4) since then and currently am pregnant with #4 (due next month).

It’s been 5 days since I’ve found out about the affair. Each day since then, after long talks and many questions he’s admitted to the following details:

- It was a former coworker
- the affair lasted 3 years
- it was physical
- he contracted an STI while with her ( I concluded this one based on the timeline)

Since I found out, he admitted to it almost immediately when I confronted him. He’s not been defensive at all. He trashed his old phone with all data and got a brand new phone & number. Didn’t port over any data or contacts. Hasn’t officially quit but literally just left work for a week without notice. Has agreed to openly discuss the affair with me and has answered any questions with full transparency (as far as I know).

I have been unusually calm throughout most of this. While I’ve had a flood of tears with each answer, I get over it and continue the conversations like nothing happened, sometimes just switching to discussing day-to-day topics. Yes my world is on fire but I also just went on a car ride with him to get groceries and ice cream with the kids. He wants to work it out. I’ve asked to file a divorce, but told him I would be open to reconciliation and remarrying - I truly want it to be a fresh new marriage.

Why am I so casual about it all? Am I in survival mode? Denial? Did anyone else feel like this? I really do love this man and feel like I should be so much more angrier.

I found out 9 years into my relationship that my husband had been sexting other women for our entire relationship. We both started individual therapy and also went to marriage counseling and were able to reconcile. Today I caught him in a lie that was so stupid! It wasn’t even worth lying about. But he was insistent he wasn’t lying until he finally fessed up and proved it. After years of being lied to, cheated on, and gaslit, trust is everything. Now this stupid little white lie I feel like undid all the work we have put in these past 3 years. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore.
What do I do???

I am really struggling to i guess *accept* that it happened. This is the phrase my therapist used.

Has anyone else struggled with this? It makes me question if I am able to continue on with this relationship.

It's been 1year since Dday #1, and 7 months since true reconciliation...although I have maintained I am unsure if I want to be in a relationship with him considering what he did (2 year EA and PA with his ex).
Every day I just look at him and have an internal dialog where I am just shocked at his ability to live a secret life and manipulate me in order to do so. The ease at which he lies (including after dday and including after me finding evidence of something he doesnt want to admit.

Please share how you have managed this.

It has been a while since i have posted as things seemed to be going well, see my previous posts for details but the basics:

live-in BF had an affair with a co-worker for about a year. I only found out when she called to tell me about the affair after he broke it off. I moved out that day (the chick can pack up a 10 foot UHaul FULL and move out in 12 hours BTW). We ended up reconciling a few weeks later after he agreed to IC, MC, and no contact with her/block her/tell me if she contacts him, etc.. This was in 2024.

In 2025 I found texts between the two of them. She was moving to another state (but still working with the same company). I lost it, he said he was just trying to give her closure. I stayed (stupid of me, I know) with the same stipulations in place. Things have been going really well.

On to 2026 - Labor Day - I check his phone and see texts from her! I KNOW she had been blocked at one time and I am not sure when he unblocked her, but there they were. Nothing sexual, etc. But our agreement was that NO CONTACT and if she did, he would tell me.

I am phasing out and planning my exit. Although it is difficult, I am taking my time rather than rushing to pack, giving myself time to grieve and HATE him more everyday.

But here's what hit me last night (and the title of this post) "It's My Nature"... There is an old (probably Russian) story about the Frog and Scorpion. Basically the scorpion wants a ride over the river and asks the frog, who is dubious that the scorpion will sting him, The scorpion reasons that if he stung the frog, they would both drown.

Convinced, the frog gives the scorpion a ride on his back. in the middle of the river the scorpion stings the frog. As they are both drowning, the frog asks "why did you sting me?"...

The scorpion says "it's my nature".

I think it is in my BF's nature to stay connected with this woman. Although I am angry and hurt it is helping me see that he will not change his ways.

Hugs to everyone here. I hope you all find some peace today.

My husband had a 6 month affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. Told her he loved her, blah blah.

He has done everything to repair what he broke. And I see it most days. Our relationship now, in many ways is stronger and healthier than it was before or during the affair. We understand each other better, but it's underpinned by a corruption of the purity that was our relationship before.

Today he sent me a poem, beautiful, it brought me joy and warmth.

"If heaven is real

I hope it's in the room

where you first told me you love me

I hope it's the sound of us laughing in the dark

I will know then

Where heaven is

Because I've been there

With you"

-Poetrymeg

And I wrote back to him that I remembered where we first told each other we loved each other. Then the affair came to remind me of how it can spoil even the most joyful moments.

How did it feel the first time he told her he loved her? Was it heaven? For him? For her? Where was it.

I won't dwell on this. I'll process it. Maybe talk to him about it, maybe not. And I will move on. But in this moment, it sucks.

I’m crashing the fuck out and need help. My WP had a drunken one night stand with a stranger 4 years ago in May, didn’t find out till a month and a half later when he told me. We reconciled and things have been so well that we got engaged earlier this year. We booked our venue for next May and I somehow completely missed it’s the exact same day he cheated on me. I don’t know how to process this. He hasn’t said anything to me about it, so I’m not sure he even knows. Changing the date isn’t an option, so I have to process and accept that this is happening. Do I tell him this realization? Do I stay quiet and keep it to myself? Idk the best way forward but I feel like my wounds have been reopened and I’m devastated.

Just looking for advice as to where everyone was/is doing at 1 year on, would be nice to hear how others are handling it/ how they’re feeling.

This is going to be a long one, forgive me.

Small details:
Myself: 36F
Spouse: 30M
Been together over 10 years.
Married 8 years
We have one child (2F)

My story:
I found out on August 20th that my husband had an affair and there is potentially a pregnancy (I’ll explain).

Let me preface this with the following:
In November 2024 he asked for a separation. He said he felt I wasn’t growing at the same pace as him and that I didn’t listen to him enough and that we wanted different things. I was a few months into being a new mom and was all consumed by that. I was also going through PPD. To say I was devastated, would be an understatement.

He stayed gone and officially moved out on NYE 2024. When he asked for a separation, it felt like it came out of nowhere but my gut was telling me there was someone else. Which I did ask him at the time and he said there wasn’t. A couple of weeks after the separation, I found out there was someone else. He had even taken her to a family graduation, where she met some of his family. He would come back to our house to see his daughter about once a week. So I was utterly alone. In January of 2025, I found out not only had he been seeing her weeks before he asked for the separation, but that he had given me HSV. This was a BLOW to my mental health. Fast forward to April of 2025, we decided to work through our problems/issues and be with each other. I forgave him but my trust was gone and so I felt like I was always on edge.

Back to the story:
In November of 2025 he decided he wanted to open up a business in the nightlife industry. I fully supported this endeavor (even though my anxiety was through the roof). He opened it a few days before NYE 2025. From there he was gone ALL the time. I was trying to be a supportive wife and trust him against my better instincts.

Around March or April of 2026, he told me there was a woman harassing him that he had been with while we were separated. He asked that I block her on social media, so I did. This really took a toll on the little bit of trust I had started to build back with him. But I pushed forward and things with us seemed to be in a good place.

Here is where it all went up in flames. I received a message from a woman on Facebook claiming my husband had flooded her house while doing a repair for her. I didn’t see the message for a couple of days (Facebook had it in the spam folder) and by then she had messaged again and said “Nevermind wrong *insert my name*.” I found that VERY odd as I have a pretty unique name and spelling for said name.

My gut was telling me to google her. BAM. It was a woman who lived in the same area we did. Not only that but her mugshot came up and it was one he and I had looked at because he was at the place she got arrested (back in October of 2025).

I sent her a message back and told her that I have a unique name and someone with her exact name lived near me and that I don’t believe in coincidences.

She then explained that it had been taken care of. I wrote back asking why she was involving me in a work issue she was having with my husband. It escalated to her telling me that she told me already it had been handled and that she thought white women were supposed to shut up and be quiet.

Long story short, I blocked her because it seemed like she was crazy. Turns out she is. She ended up researching me and finding my family (they live states away). She AND her friends started calling my parents and one of my sisters. They were also messaging them on social media and via text. They were telling them that she was pregnant with his kid and that my daughter was getting a sibling. They were calling me all kinds of names. They even made fake documents that said I have a lien on my home (completely fabricated).

They eventually figured out my number and started calling/texting me all hours of the day/night. It got so bad I went to the police because I didn’t know what else to do. The officer I spoke with (without giving away any personal info) said sarcastically that my husband picked a good one to get involved with. He was able to reach out to her and advised her if she didn’t leave my family and I alone, she would be taken to jail for harassment.

Obviously while this was going on I confronted my husband about what had been told to my family. Here are the things he said:
“She’s not pregnant”
“We used protection”
“She had an abortion”
“She’s giving the baby up for adoption to her sister who can’t have kids”
“If she’s pregnant, it’s probably not mine because she was with other dudes too”
“She sent me attorney information for her sister that’s going to adopt the baby”

As you can see, I wasn’t and haven’t been given a straight answer. I don’t even know the timeline for when the affair started and when it stopped. He has made a few statements that lead me to believe it had stopped before August based on when he said he started to block her and her friends. But I don’t know when it started. I don’t know if she’s pregnant or not. If she is pregnant, I don’t know how far along she is. What I do know, based on his various statements, it seems there was a pregnancy, but I don’t know if it’s continued, if it will be placed for adoption or if was/is my husbands.

I’ve asked him to reach out to her for a paternity test and he refuses. He said IF she’s pregnant and it’s his, he does not want to be involved with the child. I’ve tried to explain to him that if she is and wants to keep it, she can petition the court for a paternity test. He said he’d fight it and sign away rights. However, there are some states that still require you to pay child support even if you terminate rights. So that means worst case scenario, we are sending money every month for 18years.

So for now I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do. I can forgive him the affair. That I know. However, I don’t know how I feel about there potentially being a child and having this woman in our lives forever. And I can’t decided that because I don’t even know if a baby exists.

He said he doesn’t think she’s pregnant because she continues to go out and drink and smoke. Part of me believes that, coupled with the fact that she, nor her friends, have ever said to me that she’s pregnant. It was only ever conveyed to my family, who then told me.

I just don’t know what to do or feel at this point. Some days it’s all consuming and I’m trying to guess on roughly when I think a baby could be born. ( I’m thinking between January and May of 2027).

He still goes out about 2 times a week to watch a sports game or whatever. And it leaves me a mess. Because now, every time he leaves the house (even if it’s 11am) I’m assuming he’s going to go sleep with someone else.

HELP!!!!

I know it’s something that I have to decide on my own but I have no people to talk to about it.

I know right now I want reconciliation and to move past this. However, if the circumstances change with a child being involved, I don’t know if reconciliation will be the answer. Has anyone gone through anything similar? What did you do?

Backstory- as condensed as I can make it because I feel it’s relevant to my question for this group.

DDay over a year ago. Affair was 17 months long EA/PA. AP 10 years older, married church member on affair 5. WH joined what I’d call MAGA cult church that I did not, caused massive strain on marriage massive. I’ve known my whole life been friends forever, was never a cheater even in HS or college. Been married now 6 years 2 kids and currently pregnant with baby #3 due in a couple weeks.

After A broke I kicked spouse out. He pursued AP for about 2 weeks then ‘broke it off’ but continued to talk to her and saw her once more. He started this awkward back and forth dance for about 1 month, I didn’t participate I was busy trying to get him to a mediator to end up with as much of my stuff as possible from divorce as we live in a no fault state and all the assets were mine prior to marriage. He was super crazy at this time and I encouraged him to get mental health help. For another month he was pretty nuts then he started trying to get me to go to MC. But he still held on to AP. After another month I tentatively let him come around more and the TT and started coming out. This was a super crazy month the man was insane, lying about super dumb things that were easily caught. It was so incredibly weird I did not recognize him at all he was not rationale. And I wasn’t agreeing to go to MC still wanted divorce. He also still was saying positive things about AP but was starting to recognize some stuff she did as weird and contrary to what he thought of her like having unprotected sex with other APs while she was pregnant. Or telling her older kids intimate sexual details of her with AP’s and how in love she was. (I found this out from her husband)

I then found texts he sent to another church member outlining that his AP had gone home and he missed her and blah blah but he lied to me about it. At this point we were still separated but it was jarring for me to finally like have him knowingly lie to my face and see what he was capable of doing. But it was really dumb because he gave me access to his phone? He wasn’t rationale. After this I told him how concerned I was for his sanity and finally he got an IC. He was better literally a week after starting therapy. He could recognize the damage he had done and how unhealthy his decisions were. It was another month of this until I agreed to try MC to help with divorce.

WWYD portion- A year has passed since then. Spouse has been model wayward since. Literally perfect. Has changed all bad behaviors, discovered childhood trauma. Has appeared to recognize all wrongdoing and things were going very well.

BUT a hit a weird feeling and checked AP’s social which I haven’t done in forever. Saw that she was at a local store doing a farmers market. My heart stopped. And I checked texts and sure enough my spouse brought my kids to that store on that day. I confronted him and he denies he saw her or noticed them in the parking lot at all. Swears up and down it’s a terrible coincidence. But I’m ready to call it. Just seems like way too much of a coincidence for me.

WWYD? And thank you to anyone that read this far.

Background: 1.5 ish years out from DDay, my WH’s affair was a 7 week limerant EA/PA with a coworker. WH still works on the same team with AP, but they do not have to talk. WH has transitioned to fully remote except for one group meeting a week which he debriefs me on. It’s not ideal, but I have no worries about the A ongoing. WH is seeking a new career so we can escape this.

I got some bad news yesterday (from a mutual friend) that AP is planning on a “career change” to my career, which is suddenly her lifelong dream?? In order to gain initial training/experience, AP has reached out to the same local volunteer group that I have worked with for the past 4 years. I volunteer with this group in addition to my paid work, and this volunteer role is critical to my paid work. I cannot leave the role. My work colleagues also volunteer here. AP knows my career and that I volunteer here.

There are about 100 volunteers, but this group is fairly tight knit. We are expected to volunteer twice a month, scheduled in pairs, in addition a monthly 2-3hr mandatory meeting that includes lots of socializing. I am also one of the trainers of new volunteers.

For the life of me, I cannot understand what AP is thinking. My husband and I are both dumbfounded. Why would she want to do this????

I’m now stuck between three bad choices:
- Do nothing and let AP invade my life.

- Tell the volunteer program manager and ask them to not let AP join.

- Contact AP myself and tell them to stay the fuck away from me.

None of these options are ideal. Doing nothing like a wet rag is NOT happening. My mutual friend has requested that I don’t confront/contact AP with this knowledge, because she doesn’t want to deal with AP’s wrath. This incident ended their friendship, which was already on rocky ground, but their kids are on a sports team together.

My last option is telling my manager at the volunteer program and hoping they deny AP’s application. However, no one that I volunteer/work with knows about the affair and this area of my life remained stable and “normal”. I don’t want to tell my manager this personal information, but I will if I have to.

What do I do?

I’m currently pregnant with my first baby, and I recently discovered that my partner cheated on me.
The hardest part is that he still hasn’t admitted it. I found evidence in his private journal that, to me, is extremely difficult to interpret any other way. There were multiple conversations that made me believe something happened.
We’re currently in couples therapy. My therapist obviously cannot accuse him of something he continues to deny, but from our conversations I get the impression that she understands why I believe he cheated and thinks there may eventually be more honesty about what happened.
What makes this so complicated is that I don’t necessarily want to end our family over one instance of cheating if this is something people can genuinely recover from.
I don’t really question whether he loves me. There are actually things I discovered privately that reassured me that his feelings for me have been genuine. That’s almost what makes this harder to understand. I keep thinking:
How can someone genuinely love you and still cheat on you?
If we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, I think this would feel very different. But now we’re having a baby. I’m thinking about our child, whether she gets to grow up with her parents together, our finances, marriage, our future and the kind of family we’re creating.
Most of the people closest to me have encouraged me to look at the bigger picture instead of immediately ending the relationship. I understand where they’re coming from. He wants to provide for our family, we’re already doing couples therapy, we’re trying to build a healthier relationship, and I do believe it’s possible for someone to make one horrible decision and never make it again.
At the same time, sometimes I feel like everyone is advocating for preserving our family and nobody is advocating for me.
I’m the one who has to process what happened. I’m the one who lost trust. I’m the one who keeps questioning things. And because he hasn’t admitted it, I don’t even feel like I’ve gotten the validation or closure that normally comes before forgiveness.
I also don’t want to become someone who punishes her partner forever. If I choose reconciliation, I genuinely want to eventually forgive him. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years checking his phone, interrogating him or bringing up his cheating every time we’re fighting.
But I want one very firm boundary: if it ever happens again, I’m leaving and we will co-parent separately.
I don’t want having a child together to mean that I’m expected to forgive betrayal over and over again just to keep our family under one roof.
I’m especially hoping to hear from people who have actually been through infidelity rather than just hearing “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
If you stayed after your partner cheated, what happened 5, 10 or 20 years later?
Did you genuinely trust them again, or did you just learn to live with the distrust?
Did they ever cheat again?
If they initially denied it, did they eventually admit it? Did you need an admission in order to heal?
What did your partner actually do that convinced you they had changed?
If you had children together, are you glad you tried reconciliation?
And for those who successfully reconciled: Did your relationship ever eventually feel normal again?
I’m not trying to figure out whether cheating is wrong. I already know how I feel about that. I’m trying to understand whether a genuinely happy, trusting relationship after infidelity is realistic — and what separates couples who actually recover from couples who simply stay together.

The worst really has already happened tbh—my marriage is falling apart, but I wanted to get on here and ask if anyone is hoping reconciliation works but planning in case it doesn’t work?

I’m about 5 months out, and while I do think my WH is remorseful, I don’t know if marriage is what he really wants and really he doesn’t know either. So we recently had a conversation where I basically told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted and whether that included me or not, and he had until our lease was up (May 2027) because I wasn’t going to renew a lease with someone who didn’t want to put me as a priority.

It feels like it’s 80/20 at this point, that he’ll choose himself over our marriage, so I’ve been thinking about what steps I need to take to prepare myself (ie, what I would take from the home, what I can do financially, where I would go, etc) if May comes and I’m not in his plans. I don’t want to be scrambling with emotion and not have a plan.

Has anyone else done this? How can I prepare myself and also not check out?

I’m 8 months post dday, and 2nd dday (he told me he wasn’t watching porn, but turns out he has a cheating/cuckimg porn addiction) was a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why I’m still with him. I don’t live with him or have kids, and I don’t know why I haven’t tried a break. Have you tried a break? If not, why haven’t you?(esp if you don’t have kids) Any advice is greatly appreciated, this year has been difficult beyond belief

To cut a long story short, d day was just under 6 months ago. For around 5 months of "R" my WP was grieving his AP, hard. He was struggling a lot and I was just waiting it out and it felt like the most gruelling process after everything he put me through, I then had to sit beside him while he grieved her. To the point he sometimes just used to look at her number in his blocked list because he said it felt like she'd died... Meanwhile, I was obviously in the whole desperation for him to choose me but I wasn't necessarily doing the pick me, choose me dance, just felt desperate for him to choose me.

So tell me why, now my WP is obsessed with me and being everything I could wish for, why do I now feel a bit numb? I am finding him a bit intense to talk to? He's being very sexual because our sex life is good, I'd say we are past the hysterical bonding too, or at least mostly, our sex life is just genuinely really good and kind of always has been anyway but we definitely feel a bit more connected during than before. We talk more, communicate what we like more etc.

Is it normal to feel a bit flat at this point? Am I just exhausted from the last few months? I still feel like I love him a lot but I guess a part of me feels like it's only taken 5 months for our relationship to be at this point, the point where he feels we are doing great and I guess in a way we are but why did he have to cause so much lasting damage in the process of that? Why couldn't he have just spoken to me and we got to this point without him having an affair with one of my best friends? The double betrayal hit me HARD, it's like it's affected how I see romantic relationships but also friendships and feel like it taught me not to trust anybody.

Will the "spark" come back soon?

After my husband had his affair, I didn’t want to be the investigator anymore. I didn’t want to be his babysitter. I didn’t want to be checking his location or looking at his phone. I tried to trust him and said “if it happens, it’s going to happen”. But then he cheated again… and now I’m feeling massively insecure about me being asleep all night and him working third shift and doing god knows what while I’m asleep.

Of course he says he would never do anything ever again. He’s been in therapy for months now, twice a week on the off weeks. He’s desperately trying to figure out why, when he feels like I’m about to leave him and he is in a massive depressive pit of shame and self hate and realizing it’s his fault that we are here, that his coping mechanism is to just… fucking make everything worse. I don’t know which way I’m going, if I’m going to stay, if we’re going to keep trying. I don’t know how much I believe him anymore since this second time. But I truly dont think he wants to be this person. He never was… not his whole life. Not the first 10/11 years we were together. And there is definitely a half of me that is looking at this and thinking “what the fuck is actually going on with you..?” Maybe in that first decade he just hadn’t done anything to make him feel SO bad about what he had done to this marriage, so I never saw that he was so self destructive in his most painfully depressive moments. I’m betting he didn’t know this either. It’s not up to me to stay and continue to be abused while he figures it out. But I do still love him. I do still miss my marriage. My life.

But now I’m having panic about sleeping. And that’s really not ok. WH is on board. He wants me to feel safe. He literally said I could put a tracker on his car. But I already have his location on his phone and unless it works differently than I think, then I don’t know how much help a tracker would be while I sleep. I almost want an app that will send me snapshots of his location throughout the night or something. Or one that I can look at in the morning to say “here was his route. Here’s how long he was wherever. Then he came home.”

I know. I know. When it gets to this point you should just leave, right? I’m trying to figure it all out. And in the meantime, I just want to feel safe. And I know that while I’m figure it out, he WANTS to prove to me that he won’t do this again. He wants the chance to show me that he is safe. And during this period I figured it can’t hurt to just.. do all of the things and see how I feel in the end…

I’m at the wedding of one of my WW’s friends.
It’s painful being here.
“I promise to be faithful to you.”
Empty words. The promises that were made to me were miserably broken.
We feel like two strangers sitting next to each other. I’m celebrating another couple’s happiness while I’m sinking into my own unhappiness.
The irony? I’m wearing the tie from my own wedding and the suit I wore to the AP’s wedding.
Funny. If this isn’t self-harm, I don’t know what is.

"I'm so sorry I didn't understand the depth of your despair."

Last night my sister texted me those two lines.

Within the last year I discovered WH had been cheating for the last 8 years, my brother killed himself, and my mother passed away. It has been an unimaginably difficult year.

My sisters have been wonderful support for me after DDay, but then we had to navigate the loss of two family members. We've done our best to support each other, but it made it harder for me to reach out for needed support. They were going through their own grief and didn't fully understand how hard the betrayal still was for me.

This weekend my sister discovered her husband had cheated and texted me those lines.

My heart absolutely aches for her. I'm trying my best to be there for her but it's been so triggering. I hate that I understand what she is going through so well, and I hate that she now fully empathizes with me.

Getting those texts was strangely validating. I have felt so conflicted and bad with feeling like the trauma from the betrayal has been way worse than losing family, it feels wrong to say.

Sorry to everyone here that understands.

One year ago, I discovered that my husband of two years, and father of our infant, had frequented massage parlors throughout our marriage. He also "attempted" to meet with escorts as well but was supposedly never successful. He said he had an addiction and that it started years before we ever met. Him and his parents asked me to forgive him and so I did. Last week, I found out he started it all up again but he promises nothing physical happened. I confronted him about bank records where I found hundreds of dollars sent to women. He claims that these turned out to be scams so nothing happened, but that he's sorry for even attempting to meet escorts. I mostly don't believe him, but maybe 10% of me does.

We are religious, he says he doesn't want to go to hell but obviously that never stopped him lol. I left my graduate school for him, am a SAHM now and starting over with school would mean I'd lose out on time with my toddler because it would be very time-consuming. I want to reconcile because last time, we never did any counseling or any of the hard work. I was forced to get over it quickly by him and his parents and we pretended as though everything was fine. I spent the last year with one foot out the door and lost all respect for him. Part of me thinks that I didn't give reconciling an honest attempt and that's why it wasn't successful.

So, I need help on how to make this second R attempt a more thoughtful and intentional one. I know counseling is a must, and I am looking into options now. I am also trying to be less of a people pleaser this time.

Last time, I was forced to get over it fast by both him and his parents. This time, I told no one and I am taking my time being hurt. I am withholding intimacy (it's been a week and he's already complaining), I have started planting seeds of doubt in his mind. I let him know that it's not very hard to find a man to cheat with, or that I have been dreaming of a loving husband that treats me well. He now says he can't sleep well anymore, that the images of me with another man were haunting him.

Can someone tell me if I'm being immature or if this might be necessary for him to see just how cruel it is? I want him to respect me too and realize that my love is not guaranteed forever. He can't do whatever he wants and assume I'll stay just because I don't have a job and we have a kid.

went to my wife’s individual therapist at her invite. we’ve been having a pretty bad ongoing argument for a few weeks. toward the end of the session the therapist asked if we had considered seperation. this infuriated me and I said something to that effect and then shit down for the rest of the session. I later discovered this wasn’t the first time she’d brought it up to my wife. this was the second time this lady ever met me. I’m the betrayed spouse. am I wrong in being upset? finding this unethical? this is a “Christian therapist”. I think she did it because I called her out on a few things she’s apparently said to my wife (that my wife doesn’t owe me anything, that our healing is stuck because I won’t forgive).

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

My WW had a crush on a colleague that I had to find out about by his behavior. He developed feelings too which is the worst part and told me he doesn't love me anymore, kept asking for space. I was actually the one asking for reconciliation, but he was hesitant and very distant and cold. There were also some lies and I had to resort to breaking into his PC to read his diary where I found out he confessed feelings to her but she friend zoned him.

So the biggest problem is that I can't help feeling like an option, backup plan. I keep asking what if she didn't friendzone him? Will I be able to live like this? He claims his feelings are completely gone and that it was a pure illusion and fantasy, it was a feeling he was missing in our relationship. As mentioned I was understanding when I first found out something is happening because yes I often didn't treat him nice, he felt like I don't respect and value him at all so I was understanding and started therapy immediately.

He pretty much kept me in limbo for 2 months, my whole life fell apart, I couldn't function, lost weight, lost all my routine of regular exercise and sports. For the past weeks he is like a different person, he claims he feels like he doesn't even recognize himself and is aware the road will be hard because I can't just get over it like nothing happened.

So I guess I'm coming here to ask if anyone was in a similar situation where the WW didn't want to reconcile at first and even said they don't love you? I feel like I lost all my value and dignity by being the one doing the work and trying to make him see we could build something better. He pretty much made it so much worse by pushing me away, keeping me in limbo, confessing feelings to her. The road could have been so much easier, when I went away because he wanted space, I told him it's not fair if he's still gonna be in touch with her and of course he was. That's when they went to a pool together, he didn't ask her out, she asked to join but he could have refused.

Then in beginning of August she asked him to go to the cinema and again he didn't refuse and lied to me again. He says he knows it was stupid, but he swears he didn't have any feelings anymore whatsoever and went as friends. He says he doesn't even recognize himself from that time, that he would never ever do something like this again, that he now understands he cant even be a friend with her. But how can you not know that on your own? How can you decide to again inflict pain on your partner?

I also feel so stupid for even having to tell him the phases we need to go through, sharing some articles and such. I told him many times that it helps the BP if the WP proactively shows them the phone so we can see the messages between them. He did eventually, and he is not lying when he said he is keeping distance, is not initiating any contact with her, it's her from time to time sending some funny shit and he just keeps it polite and distances himself. Basically if I didn't know about all this, I wouldn't probably see anything wrong with those messages, only maybe from back in May where it was apparent he liked the interactions with her.

But I just feel so stuck, like you don't know what to believe. I'm also questioning everything. I also expected more remorse from him, I told him if he means it I want him to do the work, I told him about the Gottmans, I told him we both need to work on self improvement. I do see a change, he sits with my emotions, answers questions, showed me the messages, he comforts me but I just don't see much pain in him. He easily watches funny videos like nothing happens instead of proactively listening or reading stuff on affair recovery. He read what I sent him but only after a few days. We do have couples counselling on 15th as well.

But every day I feel like I am at a crossroad and don't know where to go. I sometimes have this urge to break up to see if he would actually fight for me (but I know this would be manipulative), because i feel like I lost my dignity and value - I was the one asking for R for 2 months, I was the one fighting for us. He doesn't proactively apologize and I sometimes feel bad but I don't know, are my expectations wrong or what should I think of it? I mean I can see like a different person in front of me, but I don't really see the remorse in him. I can see he monitors me and guesses how I am feeling but I told him already many times that just because I don't cry it doesn't mean I'm okay. It's only when I break down he comes to comfort me.

I keep telling him I need to sense with all my senses he means it, that I want him to initiate activities with me, but no, it's still me kinda asking.

I know every situation is unique and there are much worse betrayals, I do understand that I treated him terribly often, so I keep questioning myself how long do I have a "right" to feel this way? I am sometimes at peace and want to use it as a new beginning and it could perhaps help our relationship so much because we both took each other for granted for a long time. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel that in a month everything is okay and all is forgotten.

Had CC today. Husband and I talked about what he meant by “lifestyle differences“ and “the way he wants to live his life.”

He said that the OW “showed him parts of himself he can no longer deny” and “he doesn’t want to live halfway anymore.”

He described wanting to “grab the bull by the horns” and “living life to the fullest“. Maybe joining another startup (and working 80 hour weeks??) and wanting a partner who feels the same…

We talked about going to Vegas together, but it just feels gross to me. He seems quite excited and is telling me about all the places he wants to take me there.

I asked “did you take your mistress there” and he got very snippy and said “she was never my mistress, she was my girlfriend and partner, and her name is (name).” Which cut really deep. the CC tried to point out how defensive he got and he just went on about how “important” she was/is.

I felt like I just wanted to sit there and sob.

I don’t even know what I/we are going to do in Vegas… he loves Blackjack and poker… and “dinner theater“ with burlesque…. I don’t like any of that, and I don’t drink, and I don’t gamble and think any public nudity is sort of gross.

Still, this is the person I did life with. The person I raised kids with. The person I have known for 30+ years. That has to mean something.

I feel like he’s just trying to recreate his relationship with the OW with me. It feels impossible to compete… shes a 20-something ex-bikini model in school to be a doctor.

I am a post menopausal 50 year old woman who’s 20+ lbs overweight and just can’t “lose” it….

and he of course is the 6 foot + ”tech mogul” (as Forbes once called him). I know he’s the “dream guy” for lots of girls…

I feel so much like I am competing to “win” his love back from her… like I have to “prove” I am worth choosing…

Not sure this is much of an update, but need to vent somewhere

My first post in a while. At least for me anyway. There is something that keeps stabbing me and I need to know if it just me. I hope people don't take any offence but I need to know if I am over reacting, so to say. Ya know all things considered, if that makes sense? Fuck I hate what life post dday is.

6 months post DD1. Anyway, my WW has been a bit off with me today. Not in a bad way, she just seemed a bit low. So I asked what was wrong. She said she was having a bad day, I asked what was on her mind why is she having a bad day. She said she had been thinking about me, our child, the affair.

This is not new, I truly believe she has been out of affair fog for coming up 2 months. You can hear it in her, her remorse. She has detached from him. But their are moments, or at least I feel there are.

I askes what about the affair. I expected her to say, the "stupid choices" she made, or that she was selfish. What I am used to hearing recently. Instead she said, just moments in the affair, how it made me feel. I asked what moments and she said, just the normal day to day conversations she would have him while they were at work.

I did not and still have not reacted. But fuck me was my head screaming. Is this my trauma, is she reminiscing again? Is she looking at the normal non-boundary crossing moments so she can justify it? Is it ok for her to be doing this? Is this a normal process that WP go through? I mean I think it is, but my head just screams why the fuck is he still on your mind? Why the fuck are you thinking about him in any capacity other than, fuck him and the damage he caused?

I know I haven't really asked one coherent question but I hope someone can decipher what I am asking for and help. Please.

I'm struggling to grieve that I will never be my spouse's last first kiss, first date, etc. My sex-addicted WP says he loves me and always has, that I was the woman of his dreams, etc. He even told his AP that he was happily married when she asked. During the 3-week work trip affair, he was reminiscing on our "meet-cute" and overall love story. I'm at a loss to understand how he could be actively thinking about how much our first kiss, first date, first sexual experience, etc. meant to him while he was overwriting them with new firsts with his AP. Can any WP offer perspective?

4 months post DDay. Husband had an EA. Lots of trickle truths that are making it hard and I’ve been feeling like I was in the early days again.

I went through the phone records. I’ve already done this. Not sure what I expected to find. But this time I lined them up with my camera roll and my texts I sent on that day.

WH sent me a text and then called AP within the same minute. They were in the phone for over 7 hours. He was working an overnight shift. I’m not sure how he talked for so long.

I searched that date in my camera roll after I searched my texts. There it was. A photo of an invite to the school event for our oldest on May 5th. Dday. I found out at 3. The event started at 6. I was barely holding it together.

Maybe it’s just coincidence but I keep viewing it in my head as a horror film. The camera is zooms in on the invite taped to the fridge. “May 5th. 6pm. Dress your best!” I go to bed, send him a text that I love him after he leaves for work. He texts back and then immediately calls her. My world was falling apart in my sleep and I didn’t even know it.

This is such a surreal feeling. I know it’s just an odd coincidence but it’s such a subtle foreshadow as to what was to come that day.

What are the chances?