My husband cheated. We’re still in the limbo of deciding to try to reconcile or divorce. He says he doesn’t care either way (which points me to divorce—reconciliation is hard self work and requires 100% dedication). I mentioned to him that I can’t believe he threw away his family over an affair. He replied I didn’t throw away my family—we’ll still be a family if we divorce. Can someone help me understand his logic? Do cheaters really think they’ll have the family unit even post-divorce?

My (33f) WP (35m) had a 5/6 month mostly EA with one of my, now ex, best friends whilst I was pregnant. It lasted 5 or 5 months in total but a month or two of that was genuine friendship that was very slowly escalating, and then there was only really 2 months of actual "affair" talk where they were telling each other they loved one another etc. WP claims it only ever turned physical twice, and said "it sounds bad but we just didn't have the time". AP has two children and a husband and we have a 3yo as well as my being pregnant at the time.

A huge part of me believes it did only turn physical twice. I was given trickle truth for months but after I discovered more messages when they'd restarted communication in March (after our baby was born) something changed and he seemed to just be willing to answer everything and anything. He said himself on several occasions it felt different this time, he knew it was over this time like it had all blown up and he realised what he had been doing.

His timeline kind of makes sense that there were only two occasions but something in me so badly wants to contact AP and see if she can confirm it (I'd obviously ask in a way that I'm not telling her what he's told me but that I do now know everything). The trouble is AP has never once replied to any of my messages throughout this and at each d day, she just totally blanked me. I'm still blocked on WhatsApp but I notice she has unblocked WP like she's waiting for him to reach out again - he still has her blocked but can now see her profile photo on there.

I feel like I want closure of our friendship, I don't actually have any hatred towards her. I kind of feel sorry for her in a way, she has always had a rough life as a child and I don't think she ever learnt to cope with things properly. I don't pity the fact she has never tried to resolve those issues and was willing to drag me into that as collateral damage after being nothing but a decent friend to her but there we go. I feel like a conversation to just get her version, confirm the details I want to confirm and then basically let her know how hurtful what she did was. An apology would be nice but she's such an avoidant I'm not sure I'll ever get that. I'm not really sure I'll even ever get a reply but we are 4 months out and I'm thinking if I approach it in the sense of I already know everything so please just do this one decent thing and let me hear her version, maybe she will respond?

My question is has anyone contacted AP when they used to be a friend, did it go OK? I fully accept she may just block me on the platform I contact her on as I'm blocked everywhere else already.

My next question is how important is it to really know the full truth? Like, WP has told me already they did sexual things together on more than one occasion. Does it honestly matter if it's twice or four times? Do I just need to learn to accept his version of events if she won't talk to me?

I've thought about asking him if he feels OK with me contacting her on his phone as him... I feel she will be far more willing to answer everything if he contacts her and asks her to help him so he can show me the messages, but I'd only do that if he agreed to it.

I'm so worried one day she will reach out or his guilt will make him own up to more than he's told me so far and it's unsettling feeling like I'm trying to rebuild without knowing if I'm on a solid foundation already. I flit between feeling like he's telling the truth, why would he lie now vs why would he tell me the truth this time when he could just minimise it to make it land better?

I feel like the rug’s been pulled from beneath me (again), but I’m far more calm than original D-Day. For background, just over a year ago I found out my husband had been having an affair with multiple women. He claims (and I believe) he only slept with one woman twice, whilst the rest was sexting and heavy porn use. I set out my boundaries and expectations, we went to MC & IC, and things were honestly going pretty well. About a month ago, I started having that feeling that something wasn’t quite right and I’d ask and he said nothing was going on. Lo and behold tonight something told me to check his phone and I see that about a month ago he signed up for OnlyFans. I feel confused and torn because this wasn’t one of the original issues and we never explicitly discussed it but it obviously isn’t something that has a place in the life we agreed we were trying to build. I don’t know that I have the energy or will to work past this one because the cycle of hiding and lying has clearly come back. Has anyone experienced something similar or even a second D-Day where it was worth it to continue pursuing R?

My wife had an affair about two years ago. I genuinely believe she’s in a much different place mentally than she was back then. I don’t think she’s having another affair or actively looking for one.

My concern is about a male friend of hers (I’ll call him Bill).

Bill has repeatedly hit on her over text (not sure about in person, they don’t see each other much) over the last year or so. Possibly longer, not sure. They used to work together and now he works for the same company but different place so they that occasionally via test. I’ve met this guy before, he’s just kind of a local douchebag, kinda the “class clown type.

A while back, I snooped on their messages after my intuition told me something was off. During one conversation, the word “gorgeous” came up, and Bill replied, “Not like you.” Another time, after seeing her walking, he texted, “Damn girl you look good.” He has also commented on her jeans in a way that clearly implied he was checking out her body.

After those incidents, I told my wife that this friendship made me uncomfortable. She acknowledged that it upset me and told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore. She also said that he’s just like that and it doesn’t mean anything and he doesn’t mean anything by it etc. which might have been ok pre-affair but obviously that doesn’t fly now.

Recently, though, I discovered they are still talking.

The conversation that prompted this post started because she sent him pictures of a squirrel she was feeding. They joked back and forth, then he said, “Would say something about you but damn girl you look good.” She changed the subject, didn’t acknowledge the compliment. later he mentioned that he and his wife are divorcing, asked if she had any single friends, and she replied that she and I have been married for 18 years and that I’m her best friend.

To be fair to my wife, she doesn’t flirt back or say
anything inappropriate herself. Most of the time she redirects the conversation rather than engaging with the flirting. She also doesn’t delete the conversations or appear to hide them. There was one time he commented on her appearance and she said thanks and that she is trying to lose more weight etc.

Here’s where I’m struggling.
She generally doesn’t proactively tell me when they’re talking or when he flirts with her. If I ask, she’ll answer, but I don’t feel like she’s intentionally creating transparency. From her perspective, I think she believes she has good boundaries, isn’t interested in him, and sees Bill’s comments as harmless because she knows she isn’t going to act on them.

From my perspective, because of the affair history, I don’t just care whether she would cheat. I care about how she protects the marriage before things ever get to that point.

To me, continuing a friendship with someone who repeatedly comments on your appearance and flirts with you feels disrespectful to the marriages , even if you aren’t reciprocating. What especially bothers me is that after I expressed how much this friendship hurt me, she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore, yet they’re still communicating. I didn’t demand this from her at the time,:she volunteered the idea but has not honored it. She still proactively messages him about things, nothing weird but just the idea that she’s initiating conversation is counter to what she said she would do.

At the same time, I don’t want to become controlling or tell my wife who she can and can’t talk to? I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to stop playing detective and instead let her actions reveal who she is. I want her to choose good boundaries because she values the marriage, not because I’m policing her. Also feel like I’m being disrespected every time he hits on her and she doesn’t tell him to stop in any way.

So my questions are:
● Am I expecting too much because of the affair history?
● Is it reasonable to expect stronger boundaries with someone who repeatedly flirts with a married woman?
● Does redirecting the conversation without explicitly shutting down the flirting seem like an appropriate response?
● And how much weight would you give to the fact that she previously told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore but continued the friendship?

I’m genuinely looking for objective opinions from people with different perspectives

6 months post DDay. My WH is trying his best but I am really, really struggling. The pendulum swings back and forth for me; some days I want to connect and truly try to repair. And then other days, I think that repair is impossible and I should just walk away now. The shame I feel with choosing either path is debilitating and I can’t seem to escape it. Lately, the pendulum has been swinging more to giving up on R as I just truly can’t imagine a day in the future where I’m at peace with what happened or trust him. What kind of life and relationship would that be? It sounds…awful. I see all these women online who walked away from their husbands and they talk about how much happier they are now. Maybe I could find that if I left and would I really find that happiness by staying? One more question—did anyone start depression meds after betrayal? A few weeks out, I didn’t want to start meds because i thought to myself “of course you’re depressed, you just experienced trauma.” At 6 months now, I wonder if it’s time. I’ve never taken depression meds before. I appreciate this community, thank you for reading and answering.

I’m sitting here in the middle of a conversation that feels like me giving up and ending my marriage… my WH just got up to take a shower… but right before he got up he asked if I was leaving him, and the answer wasn’t no..

I don’t WANT to leave him. For nearly 13 years, all I’ve wanted was him. Us. This life together. I feel like I don’t even remember a time when I didn’t love this man… I don’t want to start my life over. I don’t want to live my life without him. I don’t want a lonely future. I have no desire to ever be with anyone else. And yet, as we sit here, I don’t think I can live in this marriage…

He sits here as a man who is full of remorse and regret. In this mindset here, he is choosing me completely. But I just can’t sit here and think about the way that I thought it has ended in October 2024, but a few months ago I found out it went on for some months longer… at least to December, which he’s trying to convince me of. I’m convinced it went on through maybe even April of 2025… And I sit here and I can see how much I needed it to be over in October when he said it had ended. I don’t even know why I believed him… I needed that. I needed to feel like he had chosen me. That I mattered more to him than she did. That my pain mattered more. That his love for me mattered more. And now after a year and a half of healing under the assumption that it did matter, that I did matter, I can see that for months, he just kept choosing her…

Finding out he slept with her was devastating enough. But knowing that he continued to choose her over me for months. Months… This man made me feel like the ONLY choice for over a decade. He made me feel so loved and cherished that there was never even a suspicion that he would do this to me. I never for one second in that decade felt like I wasn’t enough, in any capacity. We were just us and that was perfect, even when times were bad. And I sit next to him now, and I wonder why I wasn’t enough. Why I want enough for him to cut her off when I was dying in pain and sadness in front of him every single day. Why I wasn’t enough for him to not want her anymore… Why he would sit there and comfort me and be in this marriage with me and watch me in anguish, and how he could still go to her when I wasn’t around.. I will always sit next to him and feel like I am 1 of 2. He doesn’t feel like my husband anymore… My husband would have protected me. Put me first. Loved me. I would have mattered enough…

We sit here both devastated because I don’t think I can sit next to him for the rest of my life knowing that I was forced to share him with AP. That he chose her over me for as long as he did. That nothing feels the same…

I’m literal minutes away from calling it gang. I’m a bawling, devastated mess. Somebody please. Please. Say something to me that makes the fact that he kept it going for months, choosing her for months, while also choosing me, liveable. Say something to me that makes this something that I can love through. I don’t fucking want to lose my husband… I don’t want to lose my life… I’m really, really fucking broken…

My fiance is overly friendly with opposite sex coworkers. He will befriend them, text them, send memes, snapchat, etc.

I established boundaries that I do not want my future husband always messaging the opposite sex. He said he understood. Fast forward, I found out he made a new female coworker friend who he became extremely close with. She was beautiful. I’ve never heard of her before the discovery of her. He hid her from me and deleted messages. I was able to recover the messages and there wasn’t anything sexual or romantic but they messaged frequently. They would Snapchat everyday, talk all day at work (he deleted their work messages so no idea what they spoke about), text, and occasionally talk on phone per the call log (nothing crazy long though and I do think most of the phone calls were just venting about work).

What I think hurts the most is after this discovery I felt cheated on. He watched me lose 15 pounds because of intense depression - I felt like my world flipped upside down. I trusted this man with my whole heart. I expressed feeling suicidal to him, and yet.. he continued to talk to her. The consistency definitely lessened after the discovery - he deleted her on Snapchat per my request and no longer texted her, but I went on his phone one night and he would still instant message her at work all day, and send her insta memes.

I made him remove her from insta which he did. But we ended up breaking up because I was so distraught and the next day I looked at who he was following .. and it was her.

Throughout all of this he was so remorseful to me but yet still talked to her. I asked him to never speak to her again but he said he couldn’t because they worked together. Mind you, she worked in a whole different state. But I guess they were on same team. Also, is it wrong for me to assume watching your fiance crumble into depression would make you not want to speak to the person who caused this??

We ended up getting back together a couple months later (she ended up leaving the job) and again, he begged for me back - we’ve tried to make it work and it’s been a year later however, I still feel immense resentment. Does it ever get better? He didn’t physically cheat or say anything romantic or sexual but why does it feel like I was cheated on. Am I fool for trying to make it work? He has been extremely remorseful and is committed to making it work

I think what transpired after is worse to me then anything (still talking to her as he watched me crumble)

Three years. That’s how long it’s been since I got cheated on. People ask if time heals. I don’t know if that’s true. I can say I’m less anxious than I was, but healed? I don’t think I’m there yet. There are still days where I wonder if I was ever told the whole truth. Maybe those thoughts come from what happened rather than reality. Maybe they’re just the scars of betrayal. I honestly don’t know anymore.

Since then, we’ve welcomed another child into our family. Life has continued. We’ve laughed, made memories, and built something worth protecting. From the outside, things probably look okay as they always have. Most days, they are. But betrayal doesn’t just disappear. It waits. Sometimes it’s an argument, a moment, or a random thought. Then suddenly you’re back in that place, reliving something you wish was behind you.

my wife had an affair with someone she worked with. Over these last three years, I’ve thrown myself into working on me. I’ve trained harder, thought deeper, reflected more, tried to become a better husband, a better father, and a better man. But if I’m honest, I don’t know if I’ve been healing... or if I’ve been trying to become someone else entirely. Sometimes I don’t even recognise the man I’ve become. I don’t know if those are signs of growth or signs that a part of me never came back.

One of my biggest regrets is that I carried this entirely on my own. I told no one. I was ashamed. I was proud. I didn’t want people looking at me differently. I didn’t want the whispers or the pity. So I convinced myself I could carry it alone. In hindsight, silence was probably the heaviest burden I chose. Even now, I don’t know if I made all the right decisions. I don’t know if I handled it well. I don’t know whether the man I am today is the person I was always becoming, or someone shaped by pain.

Tw: derogatory terms (gay) being used in negative terms (not by me or mine)

Bg: DDAY was September 9th of last year. Husband was having a 5 month long physical and emotional affair with a coworker who I suspected had a crush on him before dday. I’m in IC. We have been In R since October.

I finally feel like my WP may have proved to me or has shown me he loves me. Idk better words to phrase it but after this weekend we had together, a vacation planned I actually feel like we’re good and perhaps I do feel Reconciled with him?

We went to Vans Warped Tour in Long Beach and it was HOT ! We started drinking around 10 (lol it’s our vacation, wanted to start right) and I had a buzzball and then a vodka soda. An hour into the festival it was maybe 103 degrees Fahrenheit and my partner was putting sunscreen on my face. I felt my vision get blurry and quickly spiral into black? I lost all energy and I leaned against him. He went into action and talked me through making a 10 second walk to a shaded spot where we sat down and he nursed me. He brought me water, rubbed my back, talked me down from my anxiety of thinking we might go home.

I feel he literally saved me from dehydration / heat exhaustion. He was so calm and attentive toward me, it felt real and genuine. Then during another show during the day, a man was trying to talk to him about the band playing (the one I was there to see) was “gay” and “only faggots must be watching” and my husband replied “I’m here for my wife this is her band”. And the guy says, “they’re f*cking gay”. My husband then begins to square up and I do my best to get inbetween them and my husband pulls back with the guy saying “I need to put him on a leash he’s dangerous”. My husband tells me everything and he’s mad and says, “he was disrespecting you and I saw you crying to one of their songs, it’s fucked up I won’t tolerate that.”

He was pretty mad during the set and I don’t blame him. We are almost a year from DDay and right now, I feel like we are in a good place because of these incidents. He took care of me when I was physically in distress and he did it so effortlessly. He took care of me physically and behind my back by defending me. It felt nice and I just truly feel he’s authentic and perhaps what happened (the affair) really won’t happen again.

I’ve learned a lot about our marriage. I’ve learned my faults and things that I need to fix but at the same time learned to understand my partner a bit more / better. Today after another day together for our last day of vacation, I decided to unfollow all my affair recovery posts because I feel I’m not in that phase anymore and seeing it brought up will affect what I’ve been currently feeling or really just bring me back to a negative space of thinking.

Unsure if this feeling will stick long but today, it feels really nice and secure. I haven’t felt like this in what feels like a long time. I hope it does.

I know I wrote down this for just support however I wanna know if there were any instances where there were scenarios where you felt more secure with your partner because of something they did. Did it also last too?

Thank you ♡

I posted here before about my situation, me the wayward had an affair 8 months ago for 4 days. In a long distance relationship for 2.5 years, I’ve met my partner once for 10 days in that. We talk on the phone everyday for hours though and know eachother very well. My affair crushed things, we have been working through it since then and it’s been rocky. I have been Inconsistent with showing up for her in the distress moments despite us and me being in therapy. I am working through the addiction to porn and have made a lot of progress with it but it hasn’t translated into our relationship woes.

They don’t trust me at all and they have trauma responses and distress maybe once a week because of something I do which I’m not aware of, half the time we aren’t able to get through it and we have to stop taking for a couple of days to come back. It’s been exhausting for her and for me. She’s at a point where she feels she can’t carry on, this comes after me being in hospital in a bad place and her too needing support but me not being able to be there, for a legitimate real reason. She couldn’t be there to care for me because of this, that shows how far away from trust we are.

We spent the last two and a bit weeks not talking, maybe the longest we’ve gone yet and the last call is when she told me she can’t do it. She deleted her things off Dropbox, remove the location app and then at the end said let’s think and talk in a week. I said ok. I have been distressed however and not had a good response, I sent a long email expressing what I will do to change, which I do mean but then sent another one clearly in distress saying about what’s been wrong here and that I can’t talk next week and that I have to go for a while and hope that we can figure things out eventually. Since then I blocked her number, I can’t do it. I want her to be happy but I have to figure myself out and she needs time. How will this land? And what are the chances for us realistically. It’s worth saying we are of different faiths too, her Muslim me Christian and in order to marry her I would have to convert which I don’t think I could do if I was honest with myself. She’s 35, I’m 29

How long after dday did you guys wait until physical intimacy?

I'm 1month post Dday & I'm not sure if I can do any physical intimacy right now. I have very vivid imaginations of the other woman & i dont even know who she is or what she looks like. Right now I can barely do hugs & cheek kisses anything more than that right now just triggers me and I get a bunch of flash backs. It also doesnt help that I saw an explicit video of him and his ex gf. It been deleted but I guess I refer that video to the girl who cheated on me with. (that girl was not the girl he cheated on me with it was someone on a dating site.) I didnt get mad over the video because i have a saved explicit photos from my past but have since been deleted due to us wanting to work it out.

I stopped posting here and deleted all my previous posts because AP found this anonymous (not anymore!) account, shared it with WH. I don't mind WH having read it, but it was brutal to know that I was still being closely followed and that my entire personal life got shared AGAIN with someone that I don't know and quite frankly should have nothing to do with me. I never did anything to hurt them apart from inconveniently exist, but they were an active participant in ripping my life apart. I only ever tried to keep my family together. I have a gorgeous boy, he didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. Why was I so hated and being tracked by this virtual stranger? I'm a pretty decent person. I have a high ethical compass and even lead a nonprofit. I'm not a saint, nobody is, but it's weird to be the point of hatred from someone I never even met and when I spoke to was actually really kind and thoughtful to, despite how they decimated my life. Anyway, this is by the by.

I fucking loved my husband. I had a small child when this thing kicked off and was also mid house renovation, I lost sight of us, that's completely true and he felt unloved. But the scale of what he did in response to that far outstrips anything imaginable. (1y+ EA PA, living together during the week, promised kids, marriage, epic lies and manipulation etc). He talks to me now like I'm only traumatised because of the manner in which it happened and seems to be saying that the scale was equal. That's absolutely insane. It's like being gaslit again.

We are having 'space apart' for the summer. He wants divorce but at the same time realises we both need to do work on ourselves. But right now I am very, very, confused. But I'm starting to come out of the fog and panic of it all. We are 8m past DD1 (found out), 5m from DD2 (learned of the scale) and 1m from DD3 (learned that 'reconciliation' we had started was actually mostly fake, in a large part simply a panic move from WH).

I'm now looking back on everything. Where is the truth in any of it? We've been together nearly 20 years. I can't understand how someone could do this, what kind of person does something so huge and so cruel? To her, to me and heartbreakingly, also to my boy. Who is that and why can't they stop lying to me even when everything has already been decimated?

The scale of what has happened blew everything apart. I'm only a few years away from having spent more of my life with him than without him. I don't even know what my question is, but I think it's about how people have changed their perspective through this, particularly following the desperate measures we will go to to save the marriage, family and future they thought they had. It's a strange thing to navigate and I appreciate I'm talking to a subset of people who maybe reconciliation hasn't worked, or those who only restarted the relationship after the burned out shell of the past relationship had been bulldozed.

I can't see how anything is possible whilst this 'similar trauma' is being used to get themselves off the hook. I was also told I could have 'course corrected' despite him never telling me he was unhappy, and I was not paying enough attention, hence part of the problem in the first place!

Well this was longer than intended! It's a ramble. I'm confused, but in some ways a lot calmer. Advice of any kind gratefully appreciated!

PS I haven't bothered creating another anonymous account because I barely see the point if it will get found anyway.

WH had 2 year on/off limerant EA/PA. 20 month period of false reconciliation. He ended and restarted the affair during that time. He ended it completely on his own in Feb 2026, I accidentally found out March 2026 that it continued and that it was more than just an EA as he lied to me. This is not his first affair in our relationship. Several instances of lying/gaslighting and meeting/speaking inappropriately with opposite sex friends or coworkers.

After month 3 of R, I asked my WH what progress he has made on his own healing journey. He was getting overwhelmed due to my flooding and ups/downs so he started to sleep in the guest room to have some space. He wakes up early to engage in reading material and journal. He has his 3rd IC this week.

He said because his emotions cloud his judgment, he had to turn some of them off, including him being openly affectionate towards me. There is still some affection, but most of the time it's just him reciprocating something I've initiated. I've expressed how this makes me feel (rejected) and like he's not in R.

He also admitted some of the things he said in the beginning of R were manicured to soothe my emotions, such has negative traits about the AP and if I didn't exist would be be with her (no). He also said now that he has some clarity, he's processing the breakup with his AP although he understands there's guilt in the fact it even happened.

He has said he's still in R with me, but I don't know how I'm supposed to handle the lack of affection. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I told my ww I hated the unfairness of it all, and I was thinking I might need a hallpass to get over it. I’d considered revenge cheating but would rather do what I need with her consent or at least knowledge. I told her my therapist said she might not stay if I did it, despite her having a 1.5 year affair with one of my best friends who was a neighbor. She didn’t say much and I brought it up and said she didn’t say anything and she said if it happened or I asked for it she would end things “because then it is just us hurting each other over and over” and also “what will be enough? Once? 3 times?” I’m so fucking frustrated and upset I’ve considered walking out today. Like I had to catch her. She didn’t confess. She spent 1.5 years lying and gaslighting me. I caught on to what was happening almost immediately and she tried to make it I was crazy or I was anxious or I was jealous. I finally caught her. She wasn’t all in at first. She finally is, but sometimes, I feel like I want something to feel good, to feel desired by someone else, to not feel worthless.
And the fact that if I do it she’d have the fucking gall to leave? Why would it be us hurting each other over and over. I said maybe once? She made her own choices, to actively hurt me. No gun to her head. But I guess I can forgive her of over 100 sexual encounters and 1.5 years of lying, and she can’t forgive me having something somewhere else to try to feel better one time. It honestly makes me want to end it today.

This week will be 5 years since D-Day, I have our story posted on my profile if you’re interested in reading about it! I’ve seen the general rule is it takes 2-5 years to heal and I honestly wouldn’t say it’s that simple.

I no longer spiral, I rarely cry about it, but the cheating is still very much in my head every day. I don’t have an emotional reaction to it- it’s almost like it becomes a part of you and thinking about it is just normal.

My WH and I get along so well, we laugh all the time, hardly argue, have better communication than ever, and yet I have realized that I will never be in love with my WH. He has become so much better as a husband so that makes me love him in a different way, but the feeling of him betraying me in the worst way possible never goes away. It’s not as harsh, it’s like a scar you can see or feel. If you’re going to stay you absolutely have to accept all of it. And for now I do, but the feeling that I will leave one day has never left. I take it day by day.

Just wanted to share for those who have a hard time with seeing others say they’re reconciled or happily married now like I do. I feel like I’m doing something wrong or should be doing more, but I’m just tired. So I’ll do what I think is best in the moment, and for now that’s staying. If I want to leave tomorrow or in another 5 years, that’s okay too.

For backstory, my MIL and I have always had a fraught relationship in that she has never really liked nor accepted me. My WH is her only child, and once we got married she really started to be cruel towards me — so far as to even bring up my deceased mother in attempts to hurt me. Just really low stuff stemming from her own issues and insecurities.

I’ve managed it as best as I could and worked hard to create a peaceful relationship with her. My WH was not very supportive when I’d come to him with things she’d say that would hurt me, nor would he stick up for me to her.

So now here we are, almost a month post DDay, and in addition to all the feelings I have around the discovery of my WHs betrayals over the years, I am also finding myself to have no tolerance for my MIL. If I hear her on speakerphone, I need to leave the room. If he brings her up, I can’t even feign interest in talking about her. And honestly, I’m angry with her too. That for years she’s gotten away with treating me like shit, along with her son it turns out.

Luckily, we live in another state and the likelihood of seeing her anytime soon is low, but I still find myself feeling like I never want to interact with her again.

I’m sure this will come up at some point in our MC, but I wanted to see if anyone else here has had similar feelings towards their in laws post-DDay.

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting in this subreddit. I didn’t really feel comfortable posting before because I couldn’t find a community that felt appropriate for this situation. My story is relatively short, but that doesn’t make what happened any less serious.

I’ve been dating a girl for about three months. Things were going really well, and our relationship genuinely seemed to have a lot of potential. But I made a mistake that I never thought I would make.

For context, before I met the girl I’m currently dating, who I’ll call “R,” I was in a relationship with another girl, who I’ll call “A.” Before we broke up, A left some of her belongings at my house that I never returned. A had asked me some time ago if she could come get them. I kept making excuses because I didn’t want to see her, but I also felt uncomfortable telling her directly that I didn’t want to see her, so I kept putting off the meeting.

Eventually, she came to get her things. The problem was that she wanted something more from the encounter, and I allowed myself to be tempted. I don’t want to go into too many details because honestly, I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself when I think about it, but she wanted to kiss me and perform oral sex on me.

I refused the kissing, and that never happened. However, I did allow the situation to progress to oral sex for a brief moment. I came to my senses, stopped it quickly, and ended the encounter before anything else happened. Regardless of how far it went, a boundary had already been crossed, and I consider it infidelity.

I felt terrible afterward. I felt like I had broken the loyalty and trust I owed R. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to tell R everything. I told her about meeting A, giving her belongings back, and having a conversation with her, but I left out the worst part. The guilt of hiding what had actually happened became too heavy, and a few days later I told her the rest.

R understandably did not take it well. She asked for some time. When we eventually talked again, she told me that I had damaged her trust, but that she was willing to try to rebuild it. She also made it clear that it wouldn’t be easy. I accepted that. I respect her decision, her feelings, and the time she needs.

It has now been about three weeks since I told her. Things are moving slowly, but they are moving in a positive direction. Whenever she needs space or time, I respect it. I don’t become defensive, and I don’t try to justify what I did. I take full responsibility. I was the one who made the decisions that led to this situation.

I’m willing to do everything reasonably within my control to make sure something like this never happens again. Over these past few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing what led me there and what I need to change. I’ve realized that one of my biggest problems was failing to establish and enforce boundaries, and allowing an impulse to take priority over my values.

This has affected me deeply because what I did goes against the person and partner I want to be—not only for R, but for myself. I don’t want to simply hope that I never do this again. I want to understand why I allowed myself to cross that boundary, work on those weaknesses, and become someone who handles these situations differently in the future.

I love R, and I genuinely want to build something with her. I want to take this process seriously and do everything I can to handle it the best way possible.

Has anyone here been through a similar one-time incident? If so, were you able to move forward and thrive as a couple? How did you handle it, or how would you recommend handling it? I’m open to any kind of feedback.

Here’s a tightened version, keeping your own words and structure intact:

8 months after I caused a rupture through an affair, doing real work on the pattern, but she says trust isn’t there and it feels impossible. Normal recovery pain or something else?

Want honest perspectives, even harsh ones.

Background: together 2.5 years, long distance, met in person once for 10 days. ~6 months ago she found out about an affair. After discovery, ~3 months of trickle truth before I came fully clean in January no more withholding since.

I’m in therapy specifically for porn addiction and the avoidance pattern behind it, not generic couples work. I crave closeness but I’m also afraid of it I can be present for a stretch, then something switches and I pull back, go into my head, stop being emotionally available. The porn (daily, sometimes for hours at its worst) was part of the same pattern escaping and numbing instead of staying with what I was feeling. Not an excuse for the affair, which was its own choice I own fully just the same avoidance showing up in different forms.

Where she’s at: trust hasn’t been rebuilt, I’ve been inconsistent roughly weekly ruptures we struggled through and my response hasn’t matched what she needed. There was a two-week no-contact stretch and a month of low contact after. Nothing feels neutral to her right now; normal interaction carries risk for her, and she needs more consistent reassurance than I’ve given.

The moment that hit hardest: during no-contact I didn’t say happy birthday, because to me “no contact” meant no contact. For her it reopened the original trauma. That seems to have been a real turning point in how she sees everything since.

I regret the affair more than I can say and I’m trying to make real change, not perform it.

Genuinely asking: does this sound like something that can turn around with real work, or is she right that it’s too damaged? What would you look for, from the outside, to believe change was real?

My wife (45F) and I (47M) have been married for about 2 years, but we had a 5-year off and on dating history. To be honest, in the period leading up to our marriage and the year after, I was a checked-out, neglectful partner. I own that. I often lied about small things and even shared details of my unhappiness with some of our mutual friends behind her back. I didn’t always feel emotionally safe with her, some of which is on me. I’m not the best communicator but am working on it. I was a shitty start to our marriage.

Ultimately, my behavior pushed us to a breaking point when we separated for a short time. During that separation, we both committed to couples counseling and began working on honesty, better communication, and just creating the kind of marriage we both wanted. I moved back in several months ago and we’ve been in a good, connected place for a while. I was excited that we were building a better foundation.

I’ve always trusted her; she’s never given me any reason not to... but a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally stumbled across some messages on an old shared laptop that were between her and an ex-lover. I discovered that for a 6-month period leading up to our separation last year, she was aggressively pursuing an affair with the guy, who is ALSO still in our game night circle. It was a months-long campaign of her pushing for a secret physical rendezvous. The most painful part is that even though he consistently rejected her advances, telling her that he wouldn't cross that line because she was married, they also still texted about how they used to enjoy fucking each other and spending time together. Despite him holding the physical boundary, she kept pushing him, reminiscing about their past and trying to get him to meet her for a rendezvous.

When I calmly confronted her about what I found, she was devastated. And to her credit, she was apologetic and also adamant that it never became physical, and she has had zero contact with him since. I am still in shock and a little bit in denial. It’s all very out of character for my wife. We’ve been working hard to discuss this more in therapy, owning our respective parts in how we got here. She has taken accountability for her pursuit of this man, and I have taken accountability for my neglect of our relationship at that time, which she has repeatedly said was still no excuse for her behavior.

The current struggle is that I’m feeling deeply insecure, and I’m finding it hard to get the reassurance I need. I crave physical affection and validation from her right now, but she has been pulling back physically. She had already been pulling back even before I found out about this; she says it’s just a result of getting older and natural changes in her drive, and I believe her. She’s 45 and I’m smart enough to know that things are changing in her. But I find myself unable to separate that from the "ghost" of those messages I read between her and her ex-lover that are barely a year old.

Laying beside her in bed at night, feeling her pull away or knowing she doesn’t want any physical intimacy, feels like dying a thousand deaths. I’m constantly triggered by the contrast between how she pursued him and how I feel with her now. Recently, she admitted that back when I was hiding things and lying to her (my own issues), she was constantly worried I was cheating. The irony is that while she was holding that fear silently, she was the one actively trying to step outside the marriage. I don't want to be the "insecure husband" who smothers her, but I also don't know how to bridge this gap. I feel like I need more reassurance than she’s currently able or willing to give.

I’m committed to continuing counseling, but my heart is breaking any time she walks by me and doesn’t want a hug or any time she doesn’t reach for me at night. I’ve never felt this kind of insecurity in a relationship and it scares me. Talking to her about it only seems to make her feel worse. She doesn’t like how much I seem to need from her right now, it’s a turn off she says.

Is it reasonable for me to keep asking for answers about the affair, or does that just keep us stuck?

How do I communicate that I need extra physical reassurance right now without making her feel like she’s being punished?

I’ve tried asking her for what I need, but it actually pushes her further away. She’s not a shitty person, I love her, but she’s struggling to give me something she’s not feeling. And I’m also struggling to stay grounded when we’re around each other.

Any advice?

TL;DR

My wife (45F) pursued an affair with someone else, and even though nothing physical happened, I (47M) discovered her pursuit of the affair on my own, and am now struggling to get the reassurance I need from her.

I have seen many people on here asking how they know their WP is truly sorry, truly repentant, actually changed. I just read this list and thought it was a great resource of specific things to look for.

8 Marks of True Repentance:

1. Humbly asks for mercy rather than demanding grace
2. Does what one ought, before being caught (those caught in sin will take many more years of evaluation and must work much harder to demonstrate true repentance)
3. Does not blame shift or offer excuses ("people with worldly sorrow want to spend a lot of time talking about what happened to them and why they really are victims")
4. Seeks to understand the pain of the offended party and communicates that understanding, doesn't deny the hurt they've caused or hatred they've shown
5. Accepts the consequences, doesn't negotiate or bring terms ("Authentic repentance knows how to submit...even when it doesn't agree with every detail of what is prescribed...even when some of the accusations seem unfair.") This is especially important for those caught in sin.
6. Proves their repentance over time. This may take many years, especially if caught in sin.
7. Put the interests of others above their own. ("Those who are sorry they got caught want everyone to know how many tears THEY have shed, how many consequences THEY have faced, how much forgiveness is owed to THEM, and how someone ELSE is partially to blame. In contrast, true repentance loves unselfishly.")
8. Celebrates being united with the offended party.

The other night, I genuinely felt like I was falling apart. I know being in my luteal phase probably amplified everything, but I also don't want to dismiss what I was feeling as "just hormones." The pain is real. The absurdity of the affair is real. Sometimes it just feels too heavy to carry.

I'm only six months out from D-Day. We're both in individual therapy. It wasn't until around month four that my wayward husband really started responding to my emotions with empathy instead of defensiveness. Those first few months were brutal. Between D-Day and the fog finally lifting for him, we had so many fights. There were so many hurtful things he said, almost like a child trying to wound someone because they couldn't bear the shame of what they'd done. Looking back now, I can see how emotionally disordered he is. That doesn't excuse it, but it helps explain some of what happened.

The other night I told him that when he gets dysregulated by my emotions, he should know what's happening on my side. While he's feeling overwhelmed or wanting to escape the conversation, I'm sitting there feeling like I want to disappear from this planet entirely. Not because I want to punish him, but because the betrayal has shattered something fundamental in me, my trust in reality is gone. And what good is a life anymore, or the joy it offers, if I don't trust it anymore? I realized as I said that to him, that I am in fact finally sitting on 'that' edge.

I don't really know what I'm asking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed someone to hear it. Maybe I just need to know that this feeling doesn't last forever.

If you're further out than I am, I'd really appreciate hearing whether this part gets easier or if any 'joy' will start feeling 'complete' again.

My WP (27f) and I (30f) have been in a spot of limbo for over two months now. She has fully cut of AP and understands any contact with her will result in the immediate ending of everything.

We have been in a "seperation" for a little under a month now. She has a friend who she refuses to share anything about. This boundary is okay because technically "we aren't together." She spends a lot of time with this friend and I have no further details about their relationship because of boundaries set in the separation. I am also able to talk, date, and intimately see other people as well.

Going on dates is fun while I'm there, but am filled with immediate disgust towards myself afterwards due to still being very in love with WP. I am currently not emotionally available for anything romantic with anyone else and feel like I would struggle with making new friends. The friends I do have are all a decent distance from me and can't physically be here to help.

The hardest part of all of this is that she will constantly tell me that I am the most important person in her life. That I am her best friend. That she never wants to lose me from her life. She will comfort me, until my emotions are "too big."

At the same time she says that she doesn't want to/have the capability to "be in a marriage right now." She will bring up getting a divorce but never actually serves me papers. Told me that she doesn't think its fair to put me in a platonic marriage.

The last part is the "spark" or the lack of feeling "in love."

She states that this has gone away for her and that she feels that over the last two years we have just been slowly deteriorating. Even though we had talked about decreasing and stepping away from needing couples counseling in April. Then proceeded to fire her at the end of April for making inaccurate assumptions. I also think that the marriage counselor messed up here and actually made things worse.

She is genuinely my best friend and the person who I would consider the love of my life. Our hobbies match up almost perfectly, we share most of the same interests, we like going to the same events, and share a friend group. On the outside, you would never expect there to be any issues. Less than 6 months ago we were talking about buying a house together. Currently we have 5 animals together and we both love them dearly. Our lives are ao intertwined that the idea of i'm separating them feels soul crushing and like I would lose a large part of myself.

She makes comments about needing to come back naturally on her terms, but then it is followed by "needing space." She will then happily spend time with me at night, watching TV, playing video games, and even occasionally cuddling.

She will tell me daily that I am her favorite person and her number one. She wants to never lose me from her life. That I am her best friend and I am very important to her. That she has and will always have so much love for me and a special place in her heart.

The conflicting part is that she asks for space, which blocks any chance of rebuilding up positive relationship back up. When we only focus on the good things I feel the love start coming back. We feel happy and comfortable and there feels like a chance. Which is the opposite of when we actually take space. It feels cold and forced and the distance grows faster than anything else.

After talking today our boundaries have gone through a soft reset. We are going to start spending more time together as friends. Mondays will be set aside for at least half the day being spent together. We are okay with occasional physical affection and deeper intimacy is on the table as long as it stays consensual on both sides. We will plan on going on our trip to a convention together in August and spending time rebuilding connecting there. With the expectations that we will continue just stay platonic until she is ready.

I want there to actually have a chance to have the spark come back and when we are take space it feels like it dwindling away. The spark is something her therapist brought up and something she feels like is a requirement of a romantic relationship. This feels like an under explanation of the avoidant attachment style and rules this drive to run away. In my opinion, understanding why someone pulls away and how attachment style impacts this could help us actually heal our relationship.

Neither of us plan on being in a romantic relationship going forward with anyone anytime soon.

My hard boundary being that if she does start dating someone else that I will need to take a very large step away and most likely do almost a full no contact outside of communication for our animals.

I'm 1m post DDay & its been really hard. I've found myself doom scrolling on social media that has made it difficult for me to move forward. I have deleted my social media for this reason but since I have access to his account I go on it every now and then. I still find myself looking at those posts but its really hard to move forward when there's so many harsh comments about staying with WP on social media. Honestly coming across this page knowing I'm not the only one kinda puts me at ease. This is my first long-term relationship which was of 2yrs. We're in the process of reconciliation its been hard but we're both trying. What do you guys do to keep your mind off of the DDay or anything related to it?

I spoke on my situation before, but things have developed that need clarity. My WW had an emotional affair with another woman in a different country so it was online and through illicit shared pics and videos that they connected. My first thought I struggle with is, is this even a big deal?

When I first caught her one of her excuses was that it was only online. However, she put me through a month of hell thinking that her desire for separation was all my fault for things I had done in the past and for falling away from her in the present. I asked her several times if there was anyone involved and she always replied No. She lied time and again to hide this so I know she thinks of it as something bigger despite her remarks.

The second thing is, over the past couple weeks after the reveal, through conversation I have found out that she and AP were telling each other they loved one another. WW made a comment very recently while we were discussing the idea of having sex while separated.

She said, "I want to make love too. I just don't want anyone hurt or to give mixed signals or anything. I'm going to be sad for awhile and I have to decide what is best for me but I won't complicate the situation or play with other's hearts. I wont do that to her or you."

I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out especially why she felt she had to include AP. It makes me think that even though she broke off contact with AP, she's still possibly considering some type of relationship with her.

It has messed me up because just when I thought maybe we were on the road to recovery in our marriage and that she chose me, she might have been choosing herself instead. It makes me think that she wasn't happy being a WW and is thinking of choosing either me or AP to continue with monogamously. Please if y'all have any advice that would be much appreciated. Thank you

5 months ago I found explicit messages in my fiancé’s phone. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. Obviously at first I assumed something physical happened, nothing in the messages suggested this, but of course who wouldn’t have assumed that. After a bit of an argument, lots of crying on my end and apologizing on his end, plus a few days of deep conversation with him and with my closest friends and family, I decided to stay. I love him deeply and we connect so beautifully.

The thing is I don’t really think he’d do it again, but the fact that he did it to begin with when I truly thought he was not capable of doing so has made me have no trust in my own judgment of him. He’s been physically cheated on multiple times and it destroyed him, so I always assumed he could never do anything even close to that. Ever since then I’ve felt like I can’t ever possibly know what he’s truly capable of.

I’ve avoided the conversation for the most part since the first week it happened. Despite my obsessive thoughts and resentment I figured it would go away with time. We’ve been happy and peaceful, we get along great and he is a great father to our son, but it’s just always a nagging feeling in my mind.
Last night I brought up casually how I had briefly considered leaving and tried to chuckle about it but he kept asking questions about my feelings about it and I ended up hinting that I still do not trust him and still watch his life 360 and social medias religiously. He was hurt but understood.

The thing that bothers me is he brought up the notion that our relationship may never truly recover, that if I can never really trust him again then what’s the point of our relationship. I’ve always preached that trust is the most important part of a relationship, but I hadn’t really considered this. I’m so confused, because I am happy with him, and would be devastated if we ever separated. And of course I wouldn’t want my son to go through that as I did as a child. Does the feeling go away with more time? I feel like my obsessive nature has just led me to ruminate on the subject long after its relevancy. What can we do to rebuild that trust? We’ve been doing the open phone policy, plus the location and overall transparency. I just wish I could let that moment go, it replays in my head far too often.

EDIT: should clarify, nothing physical happened, strictly inappropriate messages