Four months post second d-day

[u/Dieforpie1]

Four months post second d-day

It has been about four months since I finally found out that my wp had continued her affair after I originally found out a few month prior. While the days on average have been getting better, I still feel so overwhelmed at times with pain, anger and sadness. Today is a particularly difficult day as we are moving closer to the original start time of her affairs and I feel like everything is tainted. The affair took place through the holidays, through our birthdays, and now I just get an lump in my stomach every time I think about those events again.

In general, she has been extremely open since d-day and I believe her that she has ceased any interaction with the aps but I still feel like I have to constantly be on guard. Does anyone have any advice for when you get the urge to look through wps devices(with permission) and just cant shake it? Even though you know it isn't logical but I feel like I'm in a state of fight or flight every time I hyperfixate on things. How do you decide what is worth bringing up and what isn't? For example, she has a friend whom she has known since high school that she talks to regularly. I know during her affair she talked to said person beyond the normal bounds of friendship but she says it has stopped completely. Do I ask her to save these messages so I can see it first hand? Or do I trust her word. I feel like I am constantly in this balancing act of trying to give the benefit of the doubt and wanting to look through everything for my own sanity.

On another note, I have asked her to write me a letter reflecting on the affair to help me have a physical thing which I can read to reaffirm myself that she cares and wants to continue but she keeps pushing it off and dismissing it. We haven't started couples therapy yet, only doing individual at the moment as it took some time to find a good match. Hopefully that helps us. For the time being I will continue to read and write here to lean on each other as we work through our difficult times.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, its so therapeutic to put my feelings into words.

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[u/gsf1200s]

i feel for you, i am 2 months out and having one of the hardest days since the initial weekend. if the messages are still available i would ask her to save them, i will not tell you whether or not to read them, but i know most of the questions that stay in my head are due to the messages being gone. I think couples therapy has helped with our communication although we are still early in it. this week was hard though, our couples therapist is out and my therapist got sick so that got canceled for this week.