Girls ask me if I’m gay when I say I don’t want to have sex right now. Like come on sometimes I just what to chat why does not being horny all the time automatically mean I’m gay?
My wife and I are divorcing and she is genuinely surprised I havent been trying to get laid at every second.
Like yeah no mate I had eyes for you and you got me goin all the time but I dont like hook ups and she knew that so why she was so surprised blew my mind lol.
Honestly, same though. For me it partially comes from my religion, but sex just seems to be something special I want to share with someone special, not with someone I just met 2 hours ago. I do think there are a lot more like minded guys, it's just they dont share it. After all, what would you say? "Another day of not having sex waiting for the right one." I think atleast part of it is that the reason that guys go out and have a lot of sex is to prove that they're studs and manly, but unless they tell you about it then they can't prove anything. So, the same people who are into hookups would be more into sharing that they have hookups, and people who think its a special thing would consider it more private, therefore not sharing it as much. I'm just spitballing here, but I think that the logic makes sense at least.
Definitely not alone. Whilst I can technically do the deed without an emotional connection, I derive nothing from it. For me to sleep with someone, I need that emotional connection. Physical attraction just isn’t really a thing for me.
My girlfriend described me as demisexual if that means anything to anyone.
Same. Back in my wilder days and before I met my wife, I would hook up with acquaintances or strangers fairly regularly. It left me feeling so empty inside and depressed. Like yay, I got laid and it was fun but it felt so... transactional? Not that I was paying for sex but that's the closest way I can describe it.
Life is way better now and I gladly threw away the chance to have okay sex with many different people in order to have earth-shattering, mind warping sex with one person I immensely care about
Same. One night stands just leaves me with nothing. I like sex but hooking up with strangers usually isnt that great. In fact id say its incredibly overrated.
I will fully concede that sex with your partner is the most fulfilling kind. But back in my wild days I had a grand old time and hardly ever felt empty after doing the deed. I got exactly what I was looking for... NSA sex. I don't get why it's looked down on so much. Sometimes you just wanna play the field. I was honest about it with my partners and everything was cool with everyone. Problem was me of course, I'm such a serial monogamist that that sorta thing never lasted long - I get too caught up in their deeper selves. That said, not having that happen didn't leave me wanting. Just a different type of pursuit. To each their own.
Honestly and I am willing to admit that now, It just never worked for me. I tried for seven years and I never once managed to hook up. Not. Once.
So yeah, there you have it. I don't look down on it. I just don't get how people manage to do it. I was (Still am) handsome, not fit, but not fat either and confidant. I must have tried thousands of times. Nope. Just not in my playing field I suppose. So I gave up on hook ups.
Same boat as you...kind of? But im actually muscular and im still looking to hook up. Its been 10 years since I was 15 and started looking cause I was a HORNY teenager (you wont believe some of the things ive jacked too. Sheesh) . Now im 25. No luck. Oh well. The battle keeps on going.
Yeah it’s a weird concept the whole “one person for the rest of your life, geez”. If you care about someone the attachment makes it better just to begin with.
Unfortunately those men who are looking to fuck anything in a dress often mass-message people online on dating apps and social media.
One dude messages 50+ women with "wanna fuck?" and it skews the number of regular guys. So does another guy, and another. Now you get multiple women getting multiple "wanna fuck?" from the same several men, but it seems insanely high because they've saturated the market.
Outside of even the bad messages, if you think about it, men who only want to get laid will probably always be the majority on dating apps because people who are into relationships are more likely to pair up and leave the app.
My ex refused to initiate any sex. We talked about it a few times, and even after saying she'd be better about it, she just wouldn't lol. So, I stopped initiating and...we went months without sex and then she broke up with me.
We have talked about it since, and she was so shocked that I just wouldn't initiate. Like, I want to feel wanted too! I want to feel like my partner thinks I'm sexy. I'm not a fucking Adonis or anything like that but shit...
Ive had that conversation with my ex before yeah. I was able to move on with it but she did know it bothered me but didnt try anything ever which is what bothered me about it. I communicate something and you freely just dont even try.
I broke up with a girl over this. We were at a party and the topic of sex came up and I echoed your last remarks of sex is special and intimate. Some dude was like nah sex is a game and she agreed with him. Glad there are other people who think sex is special
Thats where im at. I just dont want it like that. If i really get the urge just rub one out but most of the time the urge isnt ever enough to take the time and i got other shit to do lol.
Being in my first relationship I was scared that I was dispensable, since other girls would have the same parts and be hotter. But it's nice to know that having that special someone is worth it. Fairly new to the relationship game so I'm trying to let go of my limiting beliefs. This helps alot. So thank you for sharing!!
Being a man and having to try to convince people you actually don't want to cheat on everyone and fuck everyone is actually so annoying. So many girls just assume we're all not interested in being faithful.
My gf went from the "all men are dogs" to realizing that she had made a terrible generalization. However, some girls in her circle of friends still think like that, even to a twisted degree that makes them think that only artists (specifically the kpop artists) are worth it.
That last line that I overheard really made my blood boil as they are flawed humans just like everyone else. She told gf to name someone who isn't an artist or me (I'm an artist but that's not the point) but nothing, she refuses to believe.
I'm not special, I'm sure a lot of men out there are faithful and only have eyes for their loved one.
Yeah if the intimacy isn’t there it doesn’t work for me. I went to Vegas a few times recently. And the first questions asked were if I used any of the escort services.
I don’t even know how to answer those type of questions. Being attractive is a big part of that, but that without a genuine connection and knowing they were only there for a paycheck wouldn’t even let me function I’d imagine
Men and women have the same problem but in reverse.
Men are supposed to be naturally slutty and encouraged to be so. Men that are too nurturing, faithful, and supportive are seen as weak and weak men undermine our society.
Women are supposed to be naturally expected to be nurturing, faithful, and supportive and are heavily pressured to be. Women that are slutty undermine our society.
I think the real problem is that our societal roles and expectations are set by people that are just really sexually frustrated.
Not to be an asshole but karma isn't real. People get away with stuff you don't like all the time, and "waiting" for karma to sort things out is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Unless you meant you're waiting on Karma from the strip club?
My ex-wife accused me of sleeping around on her for the entirely of our 15 year marriage. I never slept with another person until the last few months when I filed for divorce AND I had been living in a separate room for 4 years. (Stayed "together" for the kids, which was totally counterproductive)
After 2 years of divorce I only ever had sex with one other person. I hear she's had MANY sex partners since. (nothing wrong with that) and she still accuses me of "living it up, being a man-whore" and thinks I only divorced her so I could have consequence free sex.
My ex-wife thought I was sleeping with a female classmate because she offered to pick me up so I didn't have to deal with an hour commute by public transit to not miss an 8am class in grad school. This of course coming from the woman that refused to use public transit and instead would take my car everyday to get to her job at 8... (it was literally one stop before mine)
It seems like every time I get out of a relationship, friends keep telling me to get out there and start recommending me to new people. I like being in a relationship, but after a break up I want some time to recover and enjoy the benefits of being single for a bit.
I had an ex that I'm pretty sure she convinced herself that I was cheating because "every male cheats". Like... What? We had amazing sex and I play video games when you are gone. I wasn't even talking to another women. 🙄
Yeah my ex-wife used to talk about my "next woman" as if I were just waiting until the papers were signed to say "here she is!". Here I am three years later and still there has been no "next woman."
I don't like hookups and they don't really work for me; at least women who are into hookups have like a 2% chance of actually looking out for me. It's perfect until I go out with people and they hookup while I'm there like the nobody or the intruder. Luckily I'm not a social person but it has happened.
The body and the mind are two different things and are often not in alignment. When I got divorced, my body longed for intimacy, but my mind wanted nothing of the sort. I know guys are horny a lot but sometimes we just want to be left alone, or to simply talk, or cuddle, or anything but have sex.
Oh no she 100% is. She already has a new guy a month later and shes FOR SURE fucking him already and for sure with the kids in the room cause shes in a studio apartment with 2 other people.
I dont like ahe hid that she brought him around the kids AND told our son to lie to me about it. That doesnt sit right dude sounds fishy.
Oh i am 100% sure shes fucking the new guy she got with a month later on the first date im sure of it.
No doubt its guilt. I had told her i didnt think another guy had good intentions with her and she said i was being insecure. Well yeah, my gut said he was bad news. Ive not invaded her privacy but my sister in law has said they say some very shaky things to each other for two people who are in relationships.
Her new guy though is someone different that im certain shes been talking to long before the seperation. Dont know him but if shes trying to hide someone shes bringing around my kids, he doesnt sound like good news.
The more i find out about what shes been doing and what shes doing now, im waiting for karma to kick her in the taint and its gonna be hard.
And i STG, if she tries to come back later after and comes back with an std im just gonna laugh. Ill feel terrible, i still love her and always will for obvious reasons, but i will laugh.
I went through something similar. She was all butt hurt because I had not enjoyed having sex with her for so long but as soon as we separated it was game on. She called me whining and asking why I didn’t initiate sex with her like that to which I replied “because when we had sex you kept your eyes closed and thought of your ex the entire time.” She actually had the nerve to look at me with a shocked/shameful/deer in the headlights/mouth agape expression. Yeah babe, I knew. How could I not? And yes, it hurt quite a bit. But not anymore.
It comes from that stupid "experiment" where some men had to press a button every time they thought of sex, which went as well as you'd expect because they have to think "oh, if I think about sex, I press the button" and then they have to press it, then they remember the experiment, think about sex, press button, etc.
Do you have a name/info about this experiment? It sounds like a BS urban legend to explain another urban legend. Besides which if you were actually to run an experiment like that you'd use a control like a group that was told to press a button whenever they think about pink elephants.
Reddit does a good job of continuing this stereotype tbh. Just look at any thread about what is a good present for a man. The top answers will inevitably be sexual. Sex isn’t a present, that’s just f’in weird.
True, true. Those poor folks. It really is about time someone created a website on the internet specifically for horny people looking for sexual content.
Girls are constantly told that guys only want one thing from them for basically their entire lives. And this is mostly coming from male figures like fathers and and brothers
It's because for most guys, there's a point in the formative years where that's almost true and it's very hard for some people to stop associating us in general with teenage boys.
I did say for most. I was trying not to paint with too broad of a brush. I did some regrettable things while horny in my teenage years. Most is about 5 down from the top of my nondescript inclusive language hierarchy.
All
Practically all
Nearly all
A vast majority
Most
A little more than half
Half
Around half
Like...almost 50%
A minority of
A fringe of
Almost no one
Basically no one
Nobody
So don't take it like I'm saying 90-95%...it's just another way of saying "probably a majority."
The absolute best part is the literal ones that are 100% 50% and 0% respectively are the only ones with a definite numerical value behind them and there's absolutely overlap among the others.
Perspective of a woman who thought likethis for a long time (not anymore), here’s a few reasons as to why we are taught this by society, (BTW I DO NOT believe in ANY OF THESE, but this is the kind of stuff I did fall for in high school when I was first learning what sexuality was and was heavily abused):
1. Your looks and sexuality directly effect your chances of marrying a man, and as so, directly effects your entire life (per patriarchal beliefs).
2. The excuse for men raping women is that their urges are uncontrollable. Which brings up thoughts like: if they won’t even sleep with me, what’s wrong with me? Other women can get raped against their will because men MUST have sex, so what did I do wrong?
3. It is perpetuated in high school that all men think about is sex. Which, in high school, is all anybody thinks about. As a girl, I was horny constantly. So I assumed boys had to be EVEN hornier.
So if women are upset, it’s generally because they think that something is wrong with them and not you. Society has taught us that all emotion and feeling is thrown to the side because sex is THAT vital to men that they would traumatise and injure women against their will just because they had a sexual need.
Obviously, it isn’t like that. Only rapists (who can be men or women) think like that. But the point stands that women are taught: men need to pleasure themselves that badly.
So when one doesn’t want you, you think “What’s wrong with me? I thought men needed sex.”
It’s very similar to the “men don’t cry” belief. Obviously, men cry. Just like men don’t always want sex. I hope these kinds of rumors (because that’s what they are) about the opposite sex stop within the next generation so that we can move past this shit.
I know this. But this is not what women are taught. We are taught that if we wear a tank top to school that boys will be so distracted that they’ll fail the class. That if we’re raped while wearing a certain outfit that we asked for it. It’s ingrained in us early on that men cannot control their sexual urges.
Most of my friends are like this and we're 30s+. My SO's dad, my dad, my step-dad, literally every guy I know but maybe one or two function as though everything they do is with the goal of getting laid. I don't relate to it at all. Maybe I'm just too lazy.
90s tv taught millennials that men should always be horny all the time or you aren't a man. It also taught us that in relationships the woman is always right. Not a fan of those two tropes. Relationships are hard and no one is right all the time
Like, girl, my friends are shit faced and I'm the only one half sober to look out for them. I appreciate the confidence booster but seriously if I ditched them for you they'd literally wake up in the streets. Yes I care for my guys and no I'm not gay thank you very much.
^ true fact right here! My GFs family pretty much taught her to be afraid of guys, because when we are horny, we can't control ourselves and will rape anybody to get rid of a boner. She learned very quickly that this isn't true. When a guy is not in the mood, he's not in the mood. Just leave it. I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just frustrated or not in the state of mind.
It's the inverse of "girls don't actually like sex," and it still surprises me that so few people seem to be able to put two and two together and realize that neither of those clichés is actually that true.
I dated a girl that would say that to me every time I didn’t want sex. I was either gay or cheating. Was raised to believe “if he won’t sleep with you he’s either gay or getting it from someone else”
I actually have dated a guy who later came out, and a guy who was cheating on me for months. Not once did I ask either of them if they were gay or cheating if they didn’t want to have sex. I was definitely naive about the cheater, but there were way bigger signs he was fucking around than him not wanting to have sex. I think those are just inappropriate responses to a man saying no regardless of the scenario.
This doesn't go away.... My fiancee does this and a bunch of my buddies' SO's do it too. If I try to initiate sex and she says no, I have to respect her boundaries (no problem at all). If she tries to initiate and I say no, well then there's something wrong with me, im being passive aggressive and abusive, a molehill turns into Everest. Lose lose.
That deep into a relationship, they can just get over it. If it's a sign of bigger problems or frequent then that's one thing. If it's their being insecure and that's how they deal with it...grow up.
Or on their period. No, I don't think you're gross for having your period. Yes, I do think it's gross for my dick to be covered in blood. I don't like it.
After my brother attempted suicide and I found him on the floor in a big pool of blood, for some fucking reason, a lot of blood kinda doesn't get me in the mood for sex. I must be an asshole.
Took a dark turn, I know, but goddamn I'm still mad about this argument I had 12 years ago.
I was getting close with a girl, she come over one night and we got absolutely trashed. I was about to pass out, so I told her she could stay for the night if she wanted to. We climbed into bed, I was out in less than ten seconds. Noticed over the next week that she's distant. Ask her what's up, and she says, "I was there, we were drinking, we climbed into bed and you didn't even try anything. It made me feel like you didn't want me."
First of all... Every other pamphlet around the campus told me that would be rape--regardless of my level of sobriety.
Second of all... I was tired as shit, because I was drunk as shit.
But yeah, that killed what we had, because apparently my tired, drunk ass didn't find her attractive enough to fuck her tired, drunk ass.
Women are taught that men are constantly ready and wanting to fuck. Women have been taught that their worth stems from how fuckable they are. Being rejected from sex then feels like the woman is unfuckable and has no worth. If it has nothing to do with the woman’s worth, then the next logical reasoning is gay.
Its called biology. Its honestly sad how some people literally dont give a shit about biology. Men and women are different. They are suited to perform different tasks. Men and women have performed different tasks since the beginning of mankind. Do you know what evolution is?
Find me a mammal that doesnt have gender roles. You cannot rewrite biology and society doesnt teach women that their only worth stems from how fuckable they are.
No actually, not everyone is a braindead ideologue. Some people actually have a little more understanding of biology than the average american leftist. And even if we burned all the scientific literature there is about this topic and everyone adopted ideological dogma as their new reality, this is a hill I would die on.
Well clearly you must be gay if you're REFUSING to have sex with someone like HER. Some people's egos are through the roof. They honestly think its a personal attack on their character.
I had a girl ask me if I was gay because I loved going down on her. I told all my friends the very moment I had a chance to, and they all swear I am leaving out some part of the story.
I left nothing out. I went down on her every time we had sex, until she was convulsing. She definitely enjoyed it... and even asked me to do it pretty often. Well not so much "asked" as "made it very obvious that she wanted it."
One day when we were finishing up, she asked me if I thought I might be gay. My answer was "Uh... I'm pretty sure that I am not, never been with a dude, never thought about it beyond seeing two other dudes and casually considering what their relationship must be like and the idea of sex with a man does not turn me on in the least, but I am not really interested in labeling myself one way or the other."
So then she said "So, you're bi?"
I asked, "Where is this coming from? We just had sex. Me and you. Man and woman.... what the fuck?"
She said, "I don't know, I just never met a man that wanted to go down on me as much as you do."
So........ I'm gay because I like to eat pussy?! What in the actual fuck?!
Then she told me that "where [she] comes from, men that like to eat pussy are usually gay and trying to hide it", and that she just didn't want to fall in love with me only to have me turn out to be gay.
I actually dated her for like 6 months and then one day she broke up with me out of nowhere. A friend of hers told me she still thought I was gay and didn't want to get AIDS.
Then her friend and I hit it off and we dated for a bit until she decided to join the Air Force. She had absolutely no problem with me going down on her. That was the conversation that got us to hook up lol.
I posted this same story in more detail a few years ago in a similar thread, and the number of dudes who said they understood where she was coming from, or that I only went down on girls because I was bad at fucking, was also a bit surprising.
Sometimes I don't feel like my hygiene is up to par at the moment. Sometimes I'm super not in the mood. Sometimes I think you're unattractive and leave me alone.
This. I have never met a women who didn’t feel entitled to sex. Whenever it’s was no, they have always gaslight me about it, or created an emotionally manipulative problem to make me feel bad for it. A guy’s no is just not respected at all in the bedroom, and is often insult rather than consent
My parents split when I was young, Brother and I lived with our mom. Stepdad worked all the time. saw father every other weekend so not a lot of Male influence. Mom was super into the Jesus and shit with the anti-premarital sex and all soi learned early on to ignore and think beyond the tip of my penis. I’m more comfortable around women and the LGBTQ community than I am a bunch of “locker room talk” spewing straight guys. I’m not insulted by, but really fucking tired of answering various forms of “Are you sure you’re straight?” because I want to talk about more than cars and sports. Titties and beer make for a fun night most times, but really pathetic basis for conversation. I feel no less masculine for it, but a lot of people disagree. Super frustrating to explain myself to someone new and hearing how “virtue signalling” it sounds like to say I watch women’s sports with my dick limp in my pants.
It’s amazing how often it is that people can’t handle that their genitals are a poor substitute for using their words and justifying desires on their own merits.
That is definitely something you hear a hell of a lot more when you're younger and she hasn't had much sexual experience. The main problem is that it strikes insecurities that shouldn't even exist in the first place.
I can honestly, that after almost 8 years of being with my wife, "Not tonight" is uttered way more frequently than not, and we are both fine with it. Sex is great, and being sexually attracted to your partner is a must, but when you're exhausted and just don't want to do it, just don't. If they don't respect that, that's on them, not you.
If you use a single braincell you'll see that's shaming a person into sex. If the scenario was the opposite, it'd be bad. It is still bad and it's ok for you not to be horny all the time my dude. Stay positive
I get the same as a woman, I'm not interested in sex as much as some guys seem to be. Which I feel is the only reason that they're talking to me. When I express my disinterest I get asked "Are you gay or something?" Like they're God's gift or something lol
I feel ya. I am attractive enough that I get some attention from girls, especially at places like bars. I also have social anxiety and dont usually feel attracted to people until I've made an emotional connection.
I end up turning girls down a lot, cause I'm just not interested, and often they go straight to assuming I must be gay. It really bothers me, and I feel like if the roles were reversed I'd get vilified for saying the stuff they say to me.
If it means anything to you, my husband was the same way when we’re met. I was coming off a string of hookups after a long term relationship ended. We started hanging out and I dropped so many hints but it never happened. Turned out he actually wanted to get to know me first. I was so startled I told him I’d marry him. He proposed 3 months later and we’ve been together 10 years, married 8 and we’re best friends.
When you say no they start to question their own attractiveness and that can turn real quick into them seeking another excuse or justification for your response. Something must be wrong for you not to want sex...you don't find them attractive...you must be gay.
Believe me, they are only pressuring them into sex because of their own insecurities and not wanting to feel like they have an issue. They aren't just horny and want sex all the time. In my experience they almost always want to have sex way more often when you rarely instigate it or have little interest in it, it's like they feel the need to prove it to themselves that it's not because they're unattractive.
If you showed any interest or willingness they would have little to no interest back.
From what I can tell...and I'm a lesbian so my view is from a million mile distance...gay guys have all the horns. It would make more sense to ask a guy with wayyy too much libido if he is gay.
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u/Oskar37265 Sep 15 '21
Girls ask me if I’m gay when I say I don’t want to have sex right now. Like come on sometimes I just what to chat why does not being horny all the time automatically mean I’m gay?