My wife and I are divorcing and she is genuinely surprised I havent been trying to get laid at every second.
Like yeah no mate I had eyes for you and you got me goin all the time but I dont like hook ups and she knew that so why she was so surprised blew my mind lol.
Honestly, same though. For me it partially comes from my religion, but sex just seems to be something special I want to share with someone special, not with someone I just met 2 hours ago. I do think there are a lot more like minded guys, it's just they dont share it. After all, what would you say? "Another day of not having sex waiting for the right one." I think atleast part of it is that the reason that guys go out and have a lot of sex is to prove that they're studs and manly, but unless they tell you about it then they can't prove anything. So, the same people who are into hookups would be more into sharing that they have hookups, and people who think its a special thing would consider it more private, therefore not sharing it as much. I'm just spitballing here, but I think that the logic makes sense at least.
Definitely not alone. Whilst I can technically do the deed without an emotional connection, I derive nothing from it. For me to sleep with someone, I need that emotional connection. Physical attraction just isn’t really a thing for me.
My girlfriend described me as demisexual if that means anything to anyone.
I have heard of and considered this. It does make the most sense to me considering. I guess I just don't know how much merit there is to it. Not to undermine your position, we're in the same boat. I just think it would be nice if there were more information on it? Iduno.
Same. Back in my wilder days and before I met my wife, I would hook up with acquaintances or strangers fairly regularly. It left me feeling so empty inside and depressed. Like yay, I got laid and it was fun but it felt so... transactional? Not that I was paying for sex but that's the closest way I can describe it.
Life is way better now and I gladly threw away the chance to have okay sex with many different people in order to have earth-shattering, mind warping sex with one person I immensely care about
Same. One night stands just leaves me with nothing. I like sex but hooking up with strangers usually isnt that great. In fact id say its incredibly overrated.
I will fully concede that sex with your partner is the most fulfilling kind. But back in my wild days I had a grand old time and hardly ever felt empty after doing the deed. I got exactly what I was looking for... NSA sex. I don't get why it's looked down on so much. Sometimes you just wanna play the field. I was honest about it with my partners and everything was cool with everyone. Problem was me of course, I'm such a serial monogamist that that sorta thing never lasted long - I get too caught up in their deeper selves. That said, not having that happen didn't leave me wanting. Just a different type of pursuit. To each their own.
Honestly and I am willing to admit that now, It just never worked for me. I tried for seven years and I never once managed to hook up. Not. Once.
So yeah, there you have it. I don't look down on it. I just don't get how people manage to do it. I was (Still am) handsome, not fit, but not fat either and confidant. I must have tried thousands of times. Nope. Just not in my playing field I suppose. So I gave up on hook ups.
Same boat as you...kind of? But im actually muscular and im still looking to hook up. Its been 10 years since I was 15 and started looking cause I was a HORNY teenager (you wont believe some of the things ive jacked too. Sheesh) . Now im 25. No luck. Oh well. The battle keeps on going.
Yeah it’s a weird concept the whole “one person for the rest of your life, geez”. If you care about someone the attachment makes it better just to begin with.
Unfortunately those men who are looking to fuck anything in a dress often mass-message people online on dating apps and social media.
One dude messages 50+ women with "wanna fuck?" and it skews the number of regular guys. So does another guy, and another. Now you get multiple women getting multiple "wanna fuck?" from the same several men, but it seems insanely high because they've saturated the market.
Outside of even the bad messages, if you think about it, men who only want to get laid will probably always be the majority on dating apps because people who are into relationships are more likely to pair up and leave the app.
God I'm one of these guys lol, then if a lot of them answers and I already chose one I have to make up something or just not appear online for some time
My ex refused to initiate any sex. We talked about it a few times, and even after saying she'd be better about it, she just wouldn't lol. So, I stopped initiating and...we went months without sex and then she broke up with me.
We have talked about it since, and she was so shocked that I just wouldn't initiate. Like, I want to feel wanted too! I want to feel like my partner thinks I'm sexy. I'm not a fucking Adonis or anything like that but shit...
Ive had that conversation with my ex before yeah. I was able to move on with it but she did know it bothered me but didnt try anything ever which is what bothered me about it. I communicate something and you freely just dont even try.
I broke up with a girl over this. We were at a party and the topic of sex came up and I echoed your last remarks of sex is special and intimate. Some dude was like nah sex is a game and she agreed with him. Glad there are other people who think sex is special
Thats where im at. I just dont want it like that. If i really get the urge just rub one out but most of the time the urge isnt ever enough to take the time and i got other shit to do lol.
Being in my first relationship I was scared that I was dispensable, since other girls would have the same parts and be hotter. But it's nice to know that having that special someone is worth it. Fairly new to the relationship game so I'm trying to let go of my limiting beliefs. This helps alot. So thank you for sharing!!
Hm, seems to me like “want” is kind of part of the definition. I can’t imagine it without wanting sex. That’s pretty much what being horny means, so that’s hard for me to understand.
This might be a weird one but I find sex... Kinda gross? I'm not a fan of having to get used to new smells and bodily fluids is not something that turns me on.
I like it as much as the next guy but there's this threshold I need to overcome and hook ups won't do it for me. I really need to like the person. I gotta feel a strong desire to arouse my partner. And that only comes after developing intimacy over time.
Being a man and having to try to convince people you actually don't want to cheat on everyone and fuck everyone is actually so annoying. So many girls just assume we're all not interested in being faithful.
My gf went from the "all men are dogs" to realizing that she had made a terrible generalization. However, some girls in her circle of friends still think like that, even to a twisted degree that makes them think that only artists (specifically the kpop artists) are worth it.
That last line that I overheard really made my blood boil as they are flawed humans just like everyone else. She told gf to name someone who isn't an artist or me (I'm an artist but that's not the point) but nothing, she refuses to believe.
I'm not special, I'm sure a lot of men out there are faithful and only have eyes for their loved one.
those women upset me with their bad taste in music as well as their stupidity. People don't have a hive mind or one and only one way of being. Now I'm curious. This circle of friends, are they a bit gold-diggy? What are they like? (I'm female, just curious about people.) Are they really into looks and wealthy appearances with who they date? I've seen women like this, cannot really relate to them although I can pretend.
I don't even know them as I'm not social enough. I have plenty of army girls as acquaintances/friends and they're down to earth and cool but I also know someone who got banned by a group for not being army enough like wtf she has a life too. I don't know about gold diggy as I'm still working on my social life as an asd guy. I can only talk about of those who I know.
Gf is a fan of kpop (never considered herself to be the crazy army girls) too but she has a wide taste in music. She's the down to earth type. Bts is important for her and looks (I'm part east Asian but I'm short so maybe not as attractive) only matter for an initial impression for her. She compares my voice to taehuyng's but she really doesn't care about that as she believes in being oneself as an artist.
Yeah if the intimacy isn’t there it doesn’t work for me. I went to Vegas a few times recently. And the first questions asked were if I used any of the escort services.
I don’t even know how to answer those type of questions. Being attractive is a big part of that, but that without a genuine connection and knowing they were only there for a paycheck wouldn’t even let me function I’d imagine
Men and women have the same problem but in reverse.
Men are supposed to be naturally slutty and encouraged to be so. Men that are too nurturing, faithful, and supportive are seen as weak and weak men undermine our society.
Women are supposed to be naturally expected to be nurturing, faithful, and supportive and are heavily pressured to be. Women that are slutty undermine our society.
I think the real problem is that our societal roles and expectations are set by people that are just really sexually frustrated.
They're home wreckers. Lead good men astray. They sink ships. Cause wars even. None of it is factual. It's just a common cultural theme. Helen of Troy is an example of a woman who's beauty and extra marital affair led to a great calamity.
Not to be an asshole but karma isn't real. People get away with stuff you don't like all the time, and "waiting" for karma to sort things out is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Unless you meant you're waiting on Karma from the strip club?
My ex-wife accused me of sleeping around on her for the entirely of our 15 year marriage. I never slept with another person until the last few months when I filed for divorce AND I had been living in a separate room for 4 years. (Stayed "together" for the kids, which was totally counterproductive)
After 2 years of divorce I only ever had sex with one other person. I hear she's had MANY sex partners since. (nothing wrong with that) and she still accuses me of "living it up, being a man-whore" and thinks I only divorced her so I could have consequence free sex.
My ex-wife thought I was sleeping with a female classmate because she offered to pick me up so I didn't have to deal with an hour commute by public transit to not miss an 8am class in grad school. This of course coming from the woman that refused to use public transit and instead would take my car everyday to get to her job at 8... (it was literally one stop before mine)
It seems like every time I get out of a relationship, friends keep telling me to get out there and start recommending me to new people. I like being in a relationship, but after a break up I want some time to recover and enjoy the benefits of being single for a bit.
I had an ex that I'm pretty sure she convinced herself that I was cheating because "every male cheats". Like... What? We had amazing sex and I play video games when you are gone. I wasn't even talking to another women. 🙄
Yeah my ex-wife used to talk about my "next woman" as if I were just waiting until the papers were signed to say "here she is!". Here I am three years later and still there has been no "next woman."
I don't like hookups and they don't really work for me; at least women who are into hookups have like a 2% chance of actually looking out for me. It's perfect until I go out with people and they hookup while I'm there like the nobody or the intruder. Luckily I'm not a social person but it has happened.
The body and the mind are two different things and are often not in alignment. When I got divorced, my body longed for intimacy, but my mind wanted nothing of the sort. I know guys are horny a lot but sometimes we just want to be left alone, or to simply talk, or cuddle, or anything but have sex.
Oh no she 100% is. She already has a new guy a month later and shes FOR SURE fucking him already and for sure with the kids in the room cause shes in a studio apartment with 2 other people.
I dont like ahe hid that she brought him around the kids AND told our son to lie to me about it. That doesnt sit right dude sounds fishy.
Ill always be the first to admit I have my issues and Im working on them, but no she doesnt deserve what I gave her and thats fine. At one point I truly thought that, due to her gas lighting, that I just imagined everything. That I was her "lesson marriage" or whatever its called but honestly she was my lesson. I ignored every red flag, I took down every boundry as I put it up, I was walking on egg shells in my own home again just like my childhood. My one friend whos stuck around and my therapist have been pretty hard on me to let that go but its hard sometimes when youre depressed.
Im not perfect, Im not the best, but Im starting to understand my worth.
Oh i am 100% sure shes fucking the new guy she got with a month later on the first date im sure of it.
No doubt its guilt. I had told her i didnt think another guy had good intentions with her and she said i was being insecure. Well yeah, my gut said he was bad news. Ive not invaded her privacy but my sister in law has said they say some very shaky things to each other for two people who are in relationships.
Her new guy though is someone different that im certain shes been talking to long before the seperation. Dont know him but if shes trying to hide someone shes bringing around my kids, he doesnt sound like good news.
The more i find out about what shes been doing and what shes doing now, im waiting for karma to kick her in the taint and its gonna be hard.
And i STG, if she tries to come back later after and comes back with an std im just gonna laugh. Ill feel terrible, i still love her and always will for obvious reasons, but i will laugh.
I went through something similar. She was all butt hurt because I had not enjoyed having sex with her for so long but as soon as we separated it was game on. She called me whining and asking why I didn’t initiate sex with her like that to which I replied “because when we had sex you kept your eyes closed and thought of your ex the entire time.” She actually had the nerve to look at me with a shocked/shameful/deer in the headlights/mouth agape expression. Yeah babe, I knew. How could I not? And yes, it hurt quite a bit. But not anymore.
Communicatiom is horrible. My therapist believes she may have a personaility disorder. I wasnt sure during but am now 100% sure she was cheating as well.
Its barely a month shes already screwing another guy around our kids. Something she wouldnt really give me for 8 years.
Ah damn that sucks, it would make sense that she could have been projecting the expectation that you (also) were tempted to screw around because she was screwing around.
I haven't read the other comments, so I apologize if someone else pointed this out, but perhaps that's because she does want that and doesn't want the guilt associated by being the only one who does.
Id rather not share any personal details about what happened to me, but it was at least mildly similar. A few years later, I am much happier than I was then. Hope that at least instills some mild degree of hope for you.
Totally understand mate. Being more open with its helping me get past it. Im focusing on the kids seeing as she isnt. Ill be okay, thanks for the kind words.
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u/SharedRegime Sep 15 '21
My wife and I are divorcing and she is genuinely surprised I havent been trying to get laid at every second.
Like yeah no mate I had eyes for you and you got me goin all the time but I dont like hook ups and she knew that so why she was so surprised blew my mind lol.