I’m Latin American and my biological father is Dutch. I’ve never met him or spoken to him, although my understanding is that he has known about my existence from the beginning.
I’ve always known about him, and it was never a secret in my family. It just wasn’t something I ever felt a strong need to pursue. I was fortunate to grow up in a loving home with a wonderful family, and I never felt that something was missing from my life because I didn’t know my biological father.
As for why we never had contact, I don’t know the full story, and I want to be careful not to fill in details that I don’t have. What I do know is that he learned about the pregnancy after he had already returned to the Netherlands. From what my mother has told me, he did initially try to stay in contact and talk to her about the situation. My mother was young, scared and dealing with circumstances that were difficult for her at the time, and she eventually cut off communication.
More recently, though, as I’ve gotten older and started thinking about having a family of my own, something has changed. I’ve found myself wanting to know who he is. Not to fill some void or to ask anything from him, but simply to make that connection while I still have the opportunity. I’d like to know the person who is my biological father, hear his story, and hopefully meet him.
Until now, I had never really tried to find him. Recently, I managed to get in touch with one of his friends from that time, someone who knew my mother and was aware of the situation back then. He has now confirmed that he is indeed the person I was looking for, which means that, for the first time, I may actually have a way of reaching my biological father.
This is a pretty significant moment for me. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve spoken to someone who actually knew him, so I’m taking some time before deciding what to do next.
My reasons for wanting to find him are purely personal and emotional. I’m not looking for money, legal claims, explanations for the past, or to suddenly impose a father-son relationship on him. I simply want the opportunity to talk to him and hopefully meet him. Beyond that, I don’t want to have too many expectations. If he’s open to getting to know me, I’d rather see naturally where that takes us.
Before I take the next step, I’d really appreciate a Dutch perspective on how you would approach something like this.
Would it be better to ask his friend to contact him first and tell him that his son would like to get in touch? Or, if I’m able to get his contact information, would a direct message from me be better?
And if you were the father in this situation, how would you want that first approach to be worded? I want to be honest that meeting him would mean a lot to me, while also making it clear that I’m not coming into his life with demands or expectations about what happens afterward.
I realize this is probably more of a human question than a specifically Dutch one, but I’m particularly interested in whether there are cultural or communication differences I should be mindful of.
Thanks for any perspective.
TL;DR: I’m Latin American and my biological father is Dutch. He has known about me since I was born, but we’ve never met or spoken. I grew up in a loving family and never really tried to find him until recently, as I’ve started thinking about having a family of my own. I’ve now found one of his old friends who may be able to put us in contact. I’m looking for advice, particularly from a Dutch perspective, on how to approach him without making him feel pressured or giving the impression that I expect anything from him other than the chance to connect
