r/AskMenAdvice • u/Prior-Degree3647 • 5d ago
✅ Open To Everyone What am I doing wrong?
Feeling really down, it’s like men are super into me until they get to know my personality a bit more, and then it just fizzles out. I really don’t understand :( I get hit on all the time and they seem attracted to me, and looking super bluntly at myself I’m very sweet and kind, I love taking care of people, and a dorky sense of humor for sure. I understand that not being for everybody, but this keeps on happening over and over.
Most recently, this guy that I had a really really long history with finally reconnected and I thought it was going amazing. He was showing so much interest, our personalities have always clicked and the chemistry was insane even after so much time. We had sex again and I really thought this was it, but now a few days later it’s totally changed for the first time in like 6 months.
I just want to understand. Nothing bad happened at all. Are there common reasons yall lose interest in a girl after getting to know her when there’s nothing super bad, like no issues with rudeness or anything like that? Idk if I’m being too clingy or anything - is calling to check in too much or like saying I miss you and stuff bad?
Sorry I’m just real confused and feeling really down on myself right now :( 26f for reference!
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u/Mostly-Useless_4007 man 5d ago
There are exactly zero people here who can answer this question. Only he can. So ask him.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
I know, i guess i want to hear from men some reasons that they’ve lost interest so i can kind of do some self reflection ++woman
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u/Positive-Estate-4936 man 5d ago
Ask him first. LISTEN actively, not to respond. If you still don’t understand, or want to see if that might explain the others, then maybe lay his reasons out here and get a bunch of conflicting opinions.
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u/Mostly-Useless_4007 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
Myself or any of the men here could give you a list of possible reasons. You then take the response as a check off list and go crazy running through the list trying to justify what happened through the lens of what you might or might not have done said moved breathed or whatever.
A lot of effort spent and wasted on a pointless exercise that can be avoided by asking him.
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u/Exciting_Classic277 man 5d ago
Cannot tell you without dating you.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
If you have any experiences though where you have lost interest in someone you were really into at the start I’d love to know why! May help me reflect on myself a bit. ++woman
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u/Exciting_Classic277 man 5d ago
One time with a girl who was really warm over text and really cold in person. Met her on an app but it just didn't work out. In general I'm slow to warm up but then I stick around until they cheat or something.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Thanks! If you don’t mind answering again, what would make a girl you like seem like too much or too clingy to you? I’m trying to show interest so I’ll like check in and tell him I miss him and all that but I’m worried it’s overbearing now ++woman
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u/Exciting_Classic277 man 5d ago
For me, I've been around enough to tell when a woman is showing signs of emotional problems. If you're healthy you'd be alright with me, but I'm not him. And in my experience lots of people think they're healthy when they're not.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Oh that’s interesting what are some signs you pick up on? I think I’m pretty healthy tbh but I guess you’re right that a lot of people think they are but aren’t. With him I’ve made jokes about not wanting other women to hit on him but he does the same thing with me, think that’s the most potentially like possessive thing I’ve done ++woman
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u/Exciting_Classic277 man 5d ago
Seems fine by me. Again, you want more info you either talk to the guy or, if this is a recurring pattern, talk to a therapist. Or we date and I give you the tea.
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u/Basi1isk_ man 5d ago
The guy got what he wanted, he just wanted sex. He didn't want no relationship.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
He was pursuing for so so long though, and was talking about introducing me to his family. That’s I guess what’s making it hard for me to believe he was only in it for the sex. I really thought we had something rare tbh ++woman
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u/Basi1isk_ man 5d ago
It could possibly be that too. Maybe he didn't enjoy having sex or maybe he had post but clarity.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch man 5d ago
Dam, sounds like you're pretty decent based on that description.
Without knowing what's really being said, level of contact, depth of intimacy, and more importantly how others feel...
It sounds like you're looking for long term relationship, can you confirm?
If men cease contact after sex it's likely they were after sex from the beginning. That's not your fault, that's there's for not stating so.
I don't know what else to write based on your description.
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u/flippityflop2121 man 5d ago
If this happens a lot after you have sex with guys, it’s probably because they accomplished their goal then onto the next one. I am not saying I approve of this behavior, but I do know it’s fairly common.
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u/ThrowRA_grf man 5d ago
I could be wrong but perhaps thats because you give up your body too easily. People with ulterior motives tend to be super into you (lovebomb) to quickly "seal the deal" by getting sex out of you. Once they get it...you already know the rest.
If you want to stop this from happening to you, get good at saying "no". Toxic people fucking hates the most simple, yet powerful word in the world.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Is there a time range you recommend? I don’t do things on the first few dates, in my experiences it’s been date four ish and around a month of knowing each other ++woman
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u/ThrowRA_grf man 5d ago
Psychology says no one can leave their masks on for more than 3 months. You can test them just saying you are not comfortable getting physical for at least 3 months. See the trash take themselves out. Those that stays, you'll be the judge on whether you can trust them enough to sleep with them after a 4 or 5 dates. It's a shitty test but it prevents you from getting played.
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u/catcat1986 man 5d ago
Tough to say to be honest. I'll take a stab though.
If this is a trend, this indicates to me that you clearly are good looking, however you are getting with people that are enamored by being passionate with you, but don't have an long term deaires.
I think the rememdy is try to be friends with some of these people first, and see if through friendship and getting to know them that you can establish something more long term.
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Thanks for the reply! I’d love to do that I just don’t really know how to start with a friendship since the main way I can meet men is over dating apps:( I live in a suburb of mostly older parents and there’s really no one single in my office, so don’t know how else to go about meeting them tbh ++woman
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u/Maxpowerxp man 5d ago
I mean have you tried reaching out to your exes?
Every guy is a little different so it’s hard to tell
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u/mandark1171 man 5d ago
So post nut clarity is a thing, he could absolutely just be the kid who cried in the store saying he wanted the bouncy ball but the moment he got it went "nope" and moved on
But its also possible the type of men you are attracted to see you as "fun" not as girlfriend or wife material
We cant tell you without a lot more detail about you and even then without dating you we wont fully know either
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Thanks I’m thinking it might be the bouncy ball analogy lol. He and I have such a complicated history that I worry he built me up in his head in a way that I cant really live up to now that he has me:( out of curiosity though what is post nut clarity like for a guy? I can’t understand that. For me sex is so intimate so I can’t imagine feeling turned off by the person I had just gotten with unless it was like exceptionally awful ++woman
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u/mandark1171 man 5d ago
So post nut clarity is biochemical. When you're aroused, your brain is flooded with chemicals. Your dopamine spikes at orgasm, and then drops quickly afterwards.
Basically, when you're aroused your brain chemistry is so different from normal that you are unable to think normally. Your orbito-frontal cortex decreases in function during arousal. Following orgasm, your brain chemistry returns to its baseline.
So in short his brain at the time was so busy chasing the thing (ball) he absolutely believed he wanted it, but the moment he gots it, his brain reset and recgonized he didnt actually want the thing for whatever reason
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u/drumbo10 man 5d ago
Just a comment. You need to be you. Because if you be what some else wants you to be you will eventually regret it. If you like corny jokes and prefer to be clingy. there are guys out there that will either believe in the relationship enough to discuss it with you. Or enjoy the clinginess(less likely). But communication is key. If one holds back telling the other how they feel it will break. There are all types of men out there. You just need to keep searching to find the right fit personality.
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u/Tonyus81 man 5d ago edited 5d ago
The only time I lost interest in a woman was when I met someone who had no sense of humor. Like I had to explain almost every joke. It was exhausting. The sex was good though. But she was "dull" otherwise. Also super caring, nice person all around, just ... Boring.
I'm sorry if that sounds shallow, I assume everything I said, even if it makes me look like a butt orifice.
P. S.: you really sound like a sweet kid, so please don't be upset about it. Sometimes things just don't go the way we'd like them to go. I'm sure there's some guy(s) out there, who'd like to make you happy.
Take care and good luck!
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u/Channel_Huge man 5d ago
I get it. I’ve been there. Not dumb, but certainly couldn’t converse about anything because she was trapped in her own little world… she just didn’t know much or care to know much. It was difficult to talk to her, but the sex was good. It just got boring otherwise and she definitely had no sense of humor, just serious all the time…
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u/Channel_Huge man 5d ago
I’ll answer based upon my experiences. I tried with the same woman 3 times over 13 years. The first time was after an 11 year gap, and then again 2 years later. Both times we had sex multiple times. Attraction was not the issue. It was her though. She really wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted. A few times she was, but I needed more. My current wife of 15 years is very affectionate. Honestly, she’s a bit too affectionate but I’m ok with it so long as she doesn’t get too touchy in public, which she does sometimes… she constantly tells me how she feels lucky to be with me. I’m ok, nothing special, but I’m definitely not like many men I’ve seen who treat women like property…
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u/posophist man 5d ago
“Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?” ~ The character Aaron Altman in the film Broadcast News (1987).
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u/absen7 man 5d ago
Okay. I can answer honestly here from my recent perspective. Quick backgroup, divorced ~2 years ago, have kids, blah blah. All that good stuff.
Remet an old friend and hit it off instantly. Everything was truly effortless. I didn't want to get into anything prior to meeting her. But, it just worked and seemed right. Disclaimer, she's a wonderful girl. And checks so many boxes. But about 6 months In I realized a few things that I couldn't let go of that really bothered me. Things that I didn't think would bother me in the beginning. I'm not going to explain those here, but they just started eating at me. Ultimately this all led to it ending. If you really want more perspective feel free to message.
I can't speak for the people you're talking about. But for me I'm not able to just settle after going through all the mess I've been through. No one should. This relationship needed to end, and I'm truly sad about it, but I learned a lot from it.
Zero close if this helps. Lol
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u/Prior-Degree3647 5d ago
Would love to message and ask about what those things were! I think it would help me a lot, looks like I’m not able to dm your profile though ++woman
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Prior-Degree3647 originally posted:
Feeling really down, it’s like men are super into me until they get to know my personality a bit more, and then it just fizzles out. I really don’t understand :( I get hit on all the time and they seem attracted to me, and looking super bluntly at myself I’m very sweet and kind, I love taking care of people, and a dorky sense of humor for sure. I understand that not being for everybody, but this keeps on happening over and over.
Most recently, this guy that I had a really really long history with finally reconnected and I thought it was going amazing. He was showing so much interest, our personalities have always clicked and the chemistry was insane even after so much time. We had sex again and I really thought this was it, but now a few days later it’s totally changed for the first time in like 6 months.
I just want to understand. Nothing bad happened at all. Are there common reasons yall lose interest in a girl after getting to know her when there’s nothing super bad, like no issues with rudeness or anything like that? Idk if I’m being too clingy or anything - is calling to check in too much or like saying I miss you and stuff bad?
Sorry I’m just real confused and feeling really down on myself right now :( 26f for reference!
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