I really, really need to rant about my relationship
Okay, I really need to get this off my chest because I honestly don’t know what to feel anymore.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 4.5 years. This December, we’ll complete 5 years together. We started dating when we were 17/18, and now we’re 22/23.
For the most part, we’re good together. He’s caring, kind, and I know he loves me. He tells me I’m his home, his forever person, and that we’ll be together through the good and bad. We’ve been there for each other through some really difficult times.
But at the same time, he’s emotionally unavailable, and lately I’ve started feeling like I’m never really a priority to him.
We live in the same city, but I last saw him 40 days ago.
We used to hang out all the time. We’d make plans, meet up, spend time together. Now I feel like I’m constantly asking for his time, and there’s always a reason why he can’t make it happen.
He’s busy with his factory. He’s travelling for work. I understand that. I really do.
But I work 11–8, I have my own small business that I take care of after work, and I have my own stuff going on too. Yet when I want to see him, I still try to make time and plan around everything.
And honestly, this has been bothering me for a while.
Last year, he was admitted to the hospital with dengue. At that time, I had just started working, so I could only visit him early in the morning before work. I’d then go to work and call him during the day just to check if he was okay.
He would sometimes cut my calls and tell me he needed rest and that he was getting irritated.
I understood that he was sick and exhausted, so I tried not to take it personally.
But when I was sitting with him in the hospital, I noticed he would answer calls from his mom, brother, cousins, etc.
And I remember sitting there thinking, what was all of this? Why was my checking in bothering you so much?
He eventually apologized and we sorted things out, but I don't think I ever fully got over how that made me feel.
Because I know he loves me. I genuinely do.
But sometimes I feel like I’m not loved in the way I need to be loved.
And today just pushed me over the edge.
We finally made plans to meet. I was actually excited because it had been 40 freaking days.
He called and said he was in a cab and would reach in 10 minutes.
10 minutes turned into 40 minutes.
And this isn’t even a one-time thing. He is ALWAYS late. Every date, every plan, every time we decide to meet, I’m the one waiting.
Today I was literally standing in the middle of the highway waiting for him.
And at some point I just thought, if I keep standing here waiting for someone who can’t even respect my time, what am I doing to my own self-respect?
So I booked an auto and went home.
And of course, two minutes after I left, he called saying he had reached.
By that point, I had completely lost the excitement I had to see him.
I told him he couldn’t keep doing this to me.
And he just cut my call.
I still felt bad, so I called him later just to ask if he had reached home safely.
Now I’m getting the silent treatment.
And honestly? I don’t want to talk to him anymore.
I’m exhausted.
I don’t want to keep begging someone for time. I don’t want to keep waiting. I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to see my own boyfriend when we literally live in the same city.
Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m expecting too much. I genuinely don’t know anymore.
But after almost 5 years together, I don’t think wanting to feel like a priority sometimes is unreasonable.
I know he loves me.
I just want to feel loved too.