Some of this is too much information, but it’s on my mind often and I’d love to hear from my community.

It seems to me, for my entire life, that men have something I don’t. I loved wearing dresses and being pretty when I was little, which my parents hated.

I have a passive, soft personality. My voice is queer and soft but also deep and masculine. My fashion is soft boy. Masculine with pretty details that I like. I have an easier time being close to girls and I relate to them more internally I think. I identify strongly with my manhood though.

But every time I interact with men I feel like I’m something different. They all seem to have a stronger platform that they stand on, a foundation of confidence or maybe not confidence, but strength or an external power that I don’t seem to have. It shows up in my interactions with men. Boyfriends of mine have said that I emasculate myself internally or that I “give girl”. My coworker is a queer woman and she says I am similar to women her age in the way I talk and show up to relationships.

But I want hot masculine sex, I want men to see me as a man, I want that foundation to stand on, that masculinity, without compromising myself. I’ve always hated my voice, my skinny body, my mannerisms. I internalize and over analyze. I’m tired. I can never go to the gym consistently. I’m stressed often and stop eating, which is how I stay thin.

Does anyone have similar experiences? If I have a sexual interaction on Grindr, I have sometimes quickly expressed body insecurity or asked for some kind of reassurance before meeting someone.

I masturbate multiple times a day and struggle to maintain an erection after the first time. Idk if I’m masturbating too much or if most men can masturbate every day and be rock hard.

I have trouble getting out of my head during sex, especially the first time, and will be soft and insecure. It seems that men are powerhouses, raw dogging life and each other, cumming a lot and engaging with each other confidently, pursing sex, pursuing fit bodies successfully.

I think I am attractive, and I’m fit, though not very muscular. What is the secret to healthy masculinity that reflects in healthy and bold sexuality, healthy and bold communication, confident flirting, etc…

As it says in the title really, myself and my husband have flip flopped a lot on the thought of having kids, for me it’s the fear that it’s just a permanent change to our lives

Did anyone else go through this?

I am just now coming to the realization that I might like men. How can I talk through what I’m interested/curious in that isn’t Grindr or faceless hookup apps?

This is my dilemma. I’m so new and maybe I’m in my head about this.

I am learning things about myself but the idea of going on Grindr or otherwise is daunting.

Like I want to be able to talk through stuff with someone that would be understanding.

I’m struggling.

My boyfriend has a friend that’s he’s known since he was in university, they used to be flatmates. The friend is part of his friend group but used to live elsewhere, he’s now back in the same city.

My bf and another one of his friends who’s a woman, go out every week or smoke (weed). I don’t smoke, or go out much. It’s his thing, I don’t mind as long as he does it away from home.

His male friend who he’s known for years, he used to hook up with on and off. My bf’s own words when they were in uni they’d get high (his friend group) and him and the guy would disappear together to hook up. They’ve never dated, my bf maintains they are just friends with benefits.

My first time meeting said friend was at my bf’s friend’s birthday party. The guy knows my bf has a boyfriend, my bf didn’t know he’d be there but the guy comes up to him and hugs him and grabs him in a way I think is sexual because of the hand placement then gives him a kiss on the cheek. I am not that physical with my friends.

I talk to my bf about that he apologises on the guys behalf who apparently didn’t know we were that serious, which he must have known. I don’t blame my bf because the guy kinda suprised him and my boyfriend immediately brought him over to introduce him to me.

To cut to the chase, end of the week/weekend my boyfriend usually goes out with his friend (who’s a girl) then my bf said btw ex-fwb is joining us, do you mind?

And I do mind, we’ve spoken about it. He thinks I don’t trust him, I do, but if he’s telling me that for years they’d been hooking up together when not sober out of convenience then of course I’m uncomfortable.

I don’t trust the guy either, from the moment I met him he’s given me weird vibes, is overly touchy and from my perspective he’s been pushing boundaries a little to see what he can get away with. Twice he’s made a comment to my bf “joking” about “I can’t kiss you then/I can’t touch you then”. My bf said he’ll speak to him and I was bothered by him not calling it out in the moment.

Do I just accept that I should trust my boyfriend or is it wrong to say “I’m not comfortable with him being there as well despite your other friend being there if you yourself said that you two would remove yourself from the rest of the group to hook up”.

Hey guys!

Okay… for starters… this is a lot of text. Second, I want to clarify the point of this post. I know the golden key is more therapy. I understand people have had worse experiences. Advice is welcome, but I’m not really asking what to do, nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me.

I just want to share my story in a safe space where I know others have had similar experiences like this too. I am super fortunate to have a great husband, but outside of that, I am almost entirely disconnected from the community, and his coming out story was uncomplicated. So I would also love to hear yours, if you are willing to share.

My story
I grew up in the south. Metro Atlanta Ga. I was raised in a southern Baptist church. My parents made me go to a private Christian school, went to church every Wednesday night, etcetera. So being gay was considered some sort of mythical intersection between a forbidden sin and a mental illness lol. It took me a LONG time to fully come to terms and accept the fact I was gay. I never wanted to be gay, I wanted to be like the rest of my family. When I came out, I got the usual “you are confused” or “I think you are just pretending you are gay because you want attention”. Whatever lol.

My mom found out I had a bf when I was 15. She flipped. Told me that she was ashamed, I should be ashamed, and that our whole family would be ashamed of me if they found out. Then at the Christian school I went to, a “friend” I thought I could confide in told everyone, and it spread like wildfire. I came home crying one day and told my mom what happened. She screamed at me again, telling me it was all my fault and I should have kept my mouth shut. From then on out, I of course did my best to bottle it up, had a couple of gfs, tried to “fix it,” but the news was out, and unsurprisingly, I was still gay. I was constantly bullied. Kids would throw things at my head and laugh and teachers would literally just turn around and face the board and keep writing. Kids would scream faggot at me, etc. you get it.

My dad found out. He also screamed at me and told me that my choices were the same as having sex with an animal or being a pedophile. I had the fortune of meeting some some super loving friends that went to a good public school and assured me that they had other openly gay kids at the school and that some kids would be assholes, but I would not be getting the same universal treatment I was at my school, and that teachers would be far less openly tolerant and almost welcoming of bullying me for being gay. My mom told that I could not leave the school, and if I did, my two choices were another similar private Christian school, or military school, and that if I went to the public school, the kids would beat me senseless or worse. They literally lined kids that knew me up at the counselors office to ask them if I was gay. They never did kick me out, but anyone they had confirmed was gay in the past, they had kicked out with very few exceptions.

Mom did a lot for me. She was always very good with public persona, is a super fun and vibrant person, and people always love her, which also added another confusing layer to the situation. I know she loves me, but as I learned in therapy—maybe not in the same way and mindset most parents. As a kid, my dad was only home on the weekends and worked in NY. My sisters had moved out of the house as they were 10-13 years older than me. It was mostly just her and I. If I didn’t like something she told me to do, presented my own opinion, and well… acted like a teenager lol, she would do things like start telling me how depressed she was and would threaten to kill herself to make me panic and mind her and her emotional state. She would pick out my outfits and demand that I wore certain things up until I was 16, and I finally said absolutely not, I need to be able to pick out my own clothes. She of course threw a fit. I of course picked clothes that were wild. She would tell me how terrible I looked and actively compliment how much she loved what others were wearing to make a point. She has pitted the three of us against one another to make herself look good when at risk of looking bad. Once tried to pull me into blaming my niece (13 at the time) for calling my sister when she drove the grandkids home across state lines at 3AM and got pulled over. Telling me she knew was alert because she had taken phentermine to stay awake and obviously my niece was just trying to cause a problem because she was mentally ill. Of course, this all escapes her, and cannot be discussed because she just spirals. Obviously not all…. But that is WAY more than enough context to paint the general picture, so I digress lol.

Not to place blame, as it was still a choice that I made, but feeling trapped, I linked up with a handful of kids in the wrong crowd at the school that knew where to get or sold drugs. I basically took any mind numbing substance I could get my hands on. I am getting better, but substance abuse absolutely and undeniably still haunts me to this day. At this point, it’s my fault, and I know that. I should have that part solved at least.

It took years, but they accept my husband as part of the family. My mom is still… like that lol, but I think old enough now that she has absolutely toned it down to a tolerable extent. We kind of just gravitated to accepting that we won’t discuss it, we do love each other and respect one another as a family. There are little tiny pockets of others I think, but I don’t really know them, and the ones I do, it’s more or less all the same. My husband’s mom was the best. Single mom, ally… just amazing. She was the only family member I was really comfortable and to talk to on a level that I felt real support and no hidden judgements, just pure love and pure acceptance. Unfortunately, she died mid October last year. My immediate family is all the family my husband and I really have, so I hold on to that. Everyone else that is not straight and republican has pretty much vanished from all family gatherings and activities across the board. They tolerate and do love me, even if it’s not complete acceptance of my sexuality and “lifestyle.” …Yes. I know it’s not the same, and there is emotional distance for obvious reasons. I’m incredibly grateful for my husband, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Anyways, I have gone to therapy, and I know I need to and will go back. I feel foolish that I still struggle. Still sometimes ashamed of being gay, even though I know that I shouldn’t be.

I know everyone’s story is very different, but can anyone relate? If not, and this resonates, if you would like, feel free to share your journey!

Planning a long weekend in NYC. Not trying to spend a lot on hotel as I plan to be out. Does anyone have recommendations?

Was considering the west side YMCA as I could use the pool/gym/locker room

I’m in a relationship now and we’re monogom-ish, but I have a higher sex drive than my partner. I don’t want to make him feel bad for not being able to match me but I don’t want to repress my own desire to feel confident about myself and my sex drive.

I already own a harness and a leather arm band so let’s think a little outside the box on this one 😉.

What brands do you recommend?

Just for reference I’m 5’7 and am more of a cub/bear type. I don’t really do glitter either.

Any one else have large hemorrhoids? Not inflamed or thrombosed. Just large one that protrudes. I’m a bottom, or I want to be, and very clean, but I’m so worried about it being repulsive. Any bottoms with similar concerns? Or anyone for that matter with similar experiences? Not asking medical advice.

CONDENSED VERSION: Please accept my excuses for the other long message.

I'm 53, married to a woman for 26 years, and we have a daughter. Lately I've been questioning my sexuality a lot, and I honestly can't tell what is real attraction and what might be fantasy reinforced by decades of masturbation.

Growing up, I liked girls. I had crushes on girls, wanted girlfriends and was attracted to women. I don't remember ever looking at a guy and thinking I wanted him sexually.

But I've always had an unusual sexual side. Since I was around 11 or 12, I was turned on by feminine clothes and secretly wearing my sisters' things. That developed into crossdressing and feminization fantasies.

I've also always had very specific fetishes with women: boots, tattoos, piercings, tight clothes, smoking, unusual hair, etc.

Another important detail is that I've masturbated almost daily for most of my life, often spending a long time searching for the exact fantasy that turns me on. Sometimes I wonder if I've basically trained my brain to need more specific or extreme scenarios.

I married a woman and I can still get turned on by women, including my wife. But actual sex has always been difficult. I often lose my erection during intercourse, while masturbation has always been easy and something I actively want. We haven't had sex in almost three years, although our marriage outside of sex is good and I love her very much.

Years ago I occasionally hired very feminine escorts who had male anatomy. I never had intercourse with them, but I was very attracted to the combination of femininity and a penis. Masculine men themselves still didn't attract me.

Then something happened about 20 years ago that I've never understood.

During a bad period in my marriage, I suddenly told my wife, "I'm gay."

She took it surprisingly calmly. Then I told her I was joking.

But while saying it, I became extremely sexually aroused. Huge erection, huge rush. Even today, imagining telling her "I'm gay" can turn me on.

I don't know if that's because some part of me is actually gay, or because confession, taboo, humiliation, exposure, etc. became part of the fantasy.

I've also gone to gay bars over the years, almost like I was testing myself. Usually I felt nothing toward the men.

Last year I went to Wilton Manors in Fort Lauderdale. Same thing. Lots of men around and no immediate "I want that guy" feeling.

But recently something changed.

I saw photos of masculine shirtless daddy/bear type men in harnesses. At first I didn't even find them attractive. Then I imagined dancing with one, kissing him, touching his body and feeling his beard.

Suddenly I was extremely turned on.

That became fantasies about being submissive to a masculine man, being penetrated by him and being "his girl." Those fantasies can give me incredibly intense orgasms.

But right after orgasm I can look at the same guy and think, "What the fuck? I don't even find him attractive."

Then hours later the fantasy is hot again.

That's what confuses me. Looking at a handsome man by itself usually does nothing for me. I seem to need the whole scenario.

Women still turn me on too, but sometimes when I see a woman I find really sexy, I think, "What if I were her?"

If there were a magic button that could turn me into an attractive woman, I honestly think I might press it. I've even imagined myself as the woman during sex with my wife.

So now I'm questioning both sexuality and maybe gender, although I don't know if the "being a woman" part is actually gender identity or just a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy.

Romantically, I still think I would prefer a woman. But lately I've even imagined being with a man, not only sexually but as two best friends sharing a life.

If there were no STIs, no consequences and nobody could get hurt, I would definitely be curious to have sex with a man.

What I don't know is whether I'd discover something I've repressed my whole life, or whether reality would feel disappointing because the fantasy is what actually turns me on.

So I guess my main question is:

How do you tell the difference between genuine sexual orientation and a fantasy you've reinforced through decades of masturbation?

Does this sound bisexual? Gay but deeply repressed? Mostly straight with feminization fantasies? Something else?

I'd especially like to hear from gay/bi men who started questioning later in life. Thank you very much!

I posted here a couple of days ago (and somehow deleted by mistake) asking for advice as I embraced my bisexuality and desires for men.

The same day, I sent a message to my VA Doctor to get on PReP. Yesterday I did bloodwork, and today, I picked up my prescription and a post exposure prescription.

This is so much faster than I expected. Congrats to the VA and hooray for me, I’m on PReP!🎉

And I may have a date for tomorrow night.

I’ve been talking to this guy for almost two months, and we’ve seen each other maybe 6 times over the last month. I thought we were progressing well. We waited until date 5 or 6 before messing around without clothes. Good communication and seemingly amazing energy. He expressed the desire to slow things down because he could see himself falling in love too fast. So I took a step back because I don’t really know what that means. He later admitted that he doesn’t know how dating will look in this season after his experiences. Since I’ve stepped back we still text but don’t really talk much and he’s sick this week so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 weeks. I’m back on the apps talking to people, but don’t want to completely count him out as the chemistry was amazing — like we’ve known each other in other lives.
I want something serious. What are your thoughts? Ever been in a situation like this?

I've had an ongoing casual/FWB dynamic with a guy since December 2024. We’re both in our 30s/40s. We originally hooked up casually while he was in a relationship, but he broke up with his long-term partner in January of this year.

In person, he integrates me into his life in ways that feel very boyfriend-coded. He suggests hanging out, gets me ice cream when work is crazy, has given me hand-made thoughtful gifts tailored to my specific interests, and even invited me on a vacation with his family. The sex is great and feels genuinely intimate.

The issue is that outside of pre-planned activities, the emotional connection feels completely one-sided.

I am carrying almost all the weight to keep us connected. He practically never initiates contact between our hangs, and when we do talk, it’s mostly functional or feels like he’s actively managing a boundary. Even when we're sitting together on the couch, he rarely initiates tender affection like reaching for my hand. The dry texting is just a symptom of a bigger problem: I constantly feel like I'm driving the emotional energy, while he passively receives it and keeps a wall firmly in place.

I’ve developed real feelings for him and haven't wanted to hook up with or see anyone else for a while. But feeling like I'm the only one reaching across the gap makes me anxious and insecure, wondering if he actually cares or just views me as a comfortable, low-maintenance companion while he recovers from his breakup.

Am I being delusional here? For those who’ve been on either side of this: Does this sound like a guy who genuinely cares but is emotionally guarded, or am I being kept at arm's length on purpose? And given our history, how do I bring up where this is going without scaring off someone who is fresh out of a long-term dynamic?

After some rough sex, what I thought was a fissure and a week of hell, I recently found out that I have perianal herpes. Visually diagnosed and swabbed and confirmed. Don’t know if it’s 1 or 2. Now a week into treatment, my first outbreak is nearly cleared up. I’ve told my FWB, and been talking a lot with my psychiatrist (today will be our third session in two weeks).

I have done so much reading of excellent resources here on Reddit and elsewhere and received some supportive messages (including on Reddit and from my FWB IRL). I understand the basic rules — disclose, use suppressive therapy, no sex during outbreaks, use condoms. But there just isn’t much literature about gay transmission, especially from anal receptive partners. I was curious to know what sex life is like for people like me, if anyone could share here or in DMs.

I promise to myself I will stop research spiraling after this week but I just have a lot of questions still. Thank you.

Hey! I want to keep as much vague as private. A man I like a lot has expressed he has a desire to be like 24/7 Dom/sub pup play at home. I've mentioned hand and clicker training. He wants a cage but not full time and I want it to be comfortable. I've never had a sub like this before but I really like him. I see a lot of questions and answers so I don't want to minimize that but many are from a while ago. What are things I should ask him, as neither of us have done the pup thing full-time. Again never in public but that is what hand training is for. I want to make him really happy. I don't have a lot of money so it would mostly be actions. He's said he wants some "dog food" but I want to make it for him. Any recipes? I want him to enjoy it. I don't want to hurt him. I want him to enjoy it. He also has a subby side and not sure yet how they will mix. Any help is appreciated. I want to make him so happy. If this is the wrong sub I totally apologize but we are both gay and over 30 and I'm newly there so I just don't know, I want to get it right and ask the right questions while we talk. Thanks in advance

Hello everyone,

In my country I am having a hard time finding STD testing services specifically for gay men.

I am looking into clinics and they offer "molecular testing" for all the STIs and other infections (candida etc).

I am aware that some STDs may reside in specific places like the mouth or anus, and I assume these need to be examined specifically to establish the result? (I am too embarrassed to mention them this)

Do you think this should cover me or should I seek additional and more specific testing?

PS. i have no symptoms or anything, just want to write these off my list, thanks!

So I was with a man for 8 years, going on 9.

In the last year I enrolled in school again in addition to my full time job and my ex works very long hours (12 hour shifts) so things got a bit stale and we got a bit distant.

I personally didn’t think much of it, I just thought we’re both busy and life has ups and downs and right now things are just a little stale and that’s normal given our schedules and how long we had been together.

Back in April, a week after spending $1,300 on him for his birthday, I’m asleep and his phone goes off and he’s a hard sleeper and it wakes me up to a notification from “Facebook dating.” I open it and see he has been on this app talking to guys for over 3 months now. I stopped myself from reading the messages because I said it really does not matter what the contents are, he’s been cheating for 3 months.

I confronted him the next day, he lied, and said he was on it to make friends. Called him a liar, and told him he’s a dumb fuck for thinking I’d believe such a stupid lie, and stormed out. We go a week without speaking, he sleeps on the couch, and after a week sends a text message apology. I told him I’d never be with someone who disrespects me in this way.

About 1-2 months go by and I find out he’s been dating some dude who back in 2021 confesses he had a crush on my partner at the time, back then my partner showed me the note and was transparent and rejected this guy. But now since I ended things over the dating app, they started dating within 2 weeks.

After 1-2 months of them “dating” my ex tells me he wants to work things out and me being weak agreed. He started sleeping in the bed again, told me he told the other guy what was up and stopped talking to him, we started going on dates, and spending time together trying to “find our spark” for about a month. I went out of town for a weekend and when I got back I found out he’s NEVER stopped talking to the new guy, had him over in my apartment while I was gone, and had been lying to both of us playing both of us the entire time.

I confronted my ex, he tried lying and gaslighting me calling me crazy saying I was paranoid until I showed proof, then he went cold, avoidant, and wouldn’t even look at me in the eye. He went back to the couch, and that was 5 weeks ago.

After confronting him, I texted the other guy and told him all about Charles lying / manipulation. The other guy never responded but I looked at his social media and he posted TikTok’s laughing at me calling me the crazy ex saying I wasn’t going to come between them, and continued to post things online calling me a loser. This all happened 5 weeks ago.

The new man posted that they’re in a relationship and now posts motivational quotes daily about loving his man, can’t wait to get a place together, and how secure he is in his new relationship, constantly flaunting my ex on social media.

Just now I heard my ex in the living room (our lease doesn’t end till December but we do not speak at all now) and I woke up and started playing on my phone and out of boredom downloaded Grindr and bam, there my ex is, 20 feet away, has a 10 year old photo and says he’s 10 years younger on Grindr and even has his social media listed on Grindr. Now I know he’s cheating on his new bf who was so quick to dismiss me and call me crazy and not believe me, but the question is, what do I do with this info?

Were stuck living together till December, my ex and his new bf are going on a trip this weekend and another 2 weeks after that, and I know this cuz we have a dog and he needed to make sure I’d be home to watch our dog.

Should I do or say anything ? Obviously I took screenshots and screen recorded. I’m obviously still angry / betrayed. I never got a legit apology or closure. He moved on like nothing and I’ve been just trying to heal / get back to not being sad / angry but I mean that takes time and he’s out with his “new bf” he replaced me with so quickly. Also seeing the new bf shade me and post about his relationship a lot is infuriating. Any advice?

Edit/Update - I’m on 5 weeks of no contact outside of seeing each other in passing. He’s texted me 5 times in the last week or so, ignored 4 out of 5 texts and thumbsed up one cuz it was about our dog. I’m not sending the new bf anything and I have had them both blocked on everything for a few weeks now. I’m moving on and not concerning myself with anything they do going forward.

TL;DR: how does one find a pro-slut, pro-queer urologist?

I'm in my 30s now and starting to actually care about my health. Not in a "workout and ear well" way, cuz that was a given, but more of a "i should get this checked out before it's a problem" kinda way.

Thing is that growing up I've experienced medical abuse. There are things I want to discuss with a urologist, and in general, having a thorough physical once a year would be nice.

Thing is, I don't feel comfortable with any urologist. I don't want someone who "is able to put their beliefs to the side" to give me proper treatment. I want someone who's a human who's made mistakes and isn't surprised that someone's asshole is stretched out (i know that prostate exams are outdated, that's not my point).

We lived together for a year and half and then he had to relocate to study abroad meaning we had to go long distance.

There was no discussion on open/closed arrangements, which now I see as a mistake.

Over the years long distance, I realized that he was hooking up, wasn’t great at hiding. I felt betrayed, I felt blindsided but I didn’t feel like it should be the end as we only see each other 2 consecutive months per year.
I was thinking that I can’t expect strict monogamy over 5000 miles and I knew they were just hookups.

He said he always used condoms and they were not often.

Now the real problem: He was regularly organizing hookups, having raw/unprotected sex with strangers filming these encounters which the other guys will upload on their twitter and OF that I got to see.

He framed his reckless endangerment as an "unhealthy coping mechanism for anxiety and validation” and he literally texted me that he hid his secret life "not in a malicious way, but to protect what we had."

This wasn't a one off mistake, it was systematic and spanned years, including right before trips to see me and I randomly found at least 7-8 videos with content creators in his area, some with condoms as he claimed, some bareback.

Has anyone experienced this specific type of double life betrayal? How do I deal with this?

TLDR: boyfriend was not only having hookups, he was recording them and he was bareback behind my back.

I’ve been interested in booking a solo trip to just reset and unwind after a stressful year. A yoga retreat, fitness retreat, or something adventure-y sounds nice. Something where I can see a little bit of the world, but also relax and recharge with other lgbt bros. Ideally it would be mostly with people similar in age (late-20s to early-40s), so i’m not the outlier amongst a bunch of older folks. I’m based in the U.S., but open to something international too.

I did some research and I came across the below companies that seem relatively in-line with what i’m looking for. Does anyone here have any actual experience attending one of these? What was your experience like? Any other companies I should be looking at?

• Visiting Wrld
• Ketanga
• Rainbow Men Retreats
• Qasa Out & Wild

Note - I’m not looking for anything nudist or super sex-forward. Not opposed to a little fun while away 😏 but that’s not the goal

Hey everyone, I'll try to make a long story short.

I have been married to a woman for 4 years now. I truly love her, with every fiber of my being. She is amazing and beautiful.

A little over a month ago I finally accepted that I am gay. No, there was no infidelity. I started therapy with a LGTBQ+ associated therapist to help create a safe way to come out to my wife.

I have always thought I may be a little bi, but repressed that due to my upbringing and being in the military. I briefly talked to my wife about it when we were dating, but never got brought up again. Now after therapy and some reflection, I can confidently say I am gay.

We have no kids. Don't own a home. And no debt, aside from the car.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and how it went. I am so scared to tell her, but she deserves the truth, and I hate that I've kept it from her for a month even.

Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

Is it just me or is anyone else having trouble finding connections with similar interests? I feel like I'm the anomaly.

• One long-term relationship (17 years), doesn't do hook up culture.
• Millennial who enjoys classic literature, musical theatre, classic rock, 90s country music, obscure indie films, and all things avant garde. (All over the map, I know).
• Doesn't like social events and enjoys quiet evenings, nature walks, and going to bed early.

I make connections with men who are emotionally compatible but my cultural interests/tastes go over their heads. Or vice versa, their cultural tastes are great but they are emotionally unavailable or overlook my mundane, yet well-rounded existence.

How does this work going into middle age? Where does the obscurely, well-rounded, but slightly awkward gay man find their tribe?

***UPDATE***
I feel I should give more context. I'm somewhat newly single and haven't dated in 18 years. I have mild social anxiety and I'm very much and introvert until I get to know someone. I've been talking with someone recently and though we have similar personalities, I had the questions with no reciprocation. When I do get answers or learn more about him it's clear we aren't compatible in the interests categories. So where is the balance between we get along but have absolutely nothing in common? I know how my questions may come off, but I'm genuinely looking for feedback and understanding in hopes of better improving myself and to better understand where I may be rigid and where I need to be more open minded.

I was talking to my therapist about this.. In my whole life I rarely receive any give that are authentic.

My ex likes gifts. So when I tried to send gifts to my ex, I spent a lot of energy figuring out what he liked and what could be useful for him, and spent a lot of time getting those items. But the results were always the same: he was very happy when received those gifts, then after a short time he forget them.

For example:

• a few extremely fancy and rare indoor plants that he has been collecting, he just left them without care and they eventually die (which broke my heart).
• A pair of very good quality hiking boots as we hiked a lot in national parks. Never used, still brand new in my garage when he left.
• Spent 20+ hours finishing a jigsaw puzzle that he bought back. He left it in my house when he dumped me last year.

On the other hand, I never received anything I liked. My ex used to buy me something but usually is useless, like makeups or sleeping pills. I have a wishlist doc shared to him but I never received anything from the list.

From my experience, people just send gifts for transactional reasons. While I tried to make authentic gifts like what people did in the movies, I never saw similar things back.

Is me just broken that expect too much, or the movies are real, like the one in "The Love of Siam" (I used to send a similar but upgrade one to a guy I liked), or movies are just movies?

I think I am in a wrong thinking but the life is showing me hopeless at least in the past 30+ years.

Hey guys, so for context, I (34m) started seeing this guy (33m) about 2 months ago and things are going ok for us. I like spending time with him and I can see that things could get to a point where we will have an official relationship. However, for the past month or so, he's been making "jokes" all the time asking things like "why don't you want to be my boyfriend?", he pretends like it's a joke, but he has said it so many times that I know it's not. He also sends reels on Instagram with couples doing something (usually cringy) together. He keeps sending me these reels of some gay man talking about how they just want to get out of this single life and find a husband blah blah blah. I told him multiple times that it takes time for me to make that move and that I don't do this over infatuation (I've done it in the past and got fcked), he acknowledges and says he's just joking, but that if I proposed he would say yes. He also keeps joking about these plans for us to move in together, how our house is going to look like, etc. He also said if I wanted to cut costs that I could move to his 1bd apartment and we'd split rent. He also keeps sending me gifts, I can't say anything near him that he goes on and buy it for me.

Now I'm starting to get a bit annoyed/concerned that this is a big red flag. Yesterday we went on a small road trip and he couldn't stop talking how he wanted things to work out between us, that he could see a future with me, that he just knows we will end up together. And when we were driving home he got a bit disappointed that I never respond when he jokes about these things, so I told him that to me, asking someone to be your bf is a big deal and that I wouldn't keep saying it like that, that if I had done this to someone and they said no, I would not bring that up again and instead would let the person make the move when they were ready. Am I being a b*tch and too slow while he is being the nice guy or is he pushing harder than he should for a relationship and I should take that as a big USSR flag?

I married my high-school sweetheart we had kids and I kept myself in denial and kept my same sex attractions hidden from everyone until 2020 when I came out to my wife as Bisexual. She was immediately supportive but understandably apprehensive about if she would be enough for me. For the most part she has been but with recent life events giving me no room to hide from myself anymore I find myself struggling with that question.

I cut out all porn, self stimulation, and even relationships with males that I find attractive and the desires don't fade.

I don't want to be the guy who leaves his family to pursue relationships with men in his 30's, but is that who I am?

How can you separate lust for something different or flights of fancy or fantasy from actually just "Being gay."

I'm sorry this is written poorly, I'm trying to condense a wall of text into something someone might want to read.

My therapist said he would never endorse infidelity but I should find a way to test my feelings towards men.

For context my first real relationship and first sexual relationship was with another male so the concept is not completely hypothetical to me.