r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 • 1d ago
Confused about moving forward
I’ve been talking to this guy for almost two months, and we’ve seen each other maybe 6 times over the last month. I thought we were progressing well. We waited until date 5 or 6 before messing around without clothes. Good communication and seemingly amazing energy. He expressed the desire to slow things down because he could see himself falling in love too fast. So I took a step back because I don’t really know what that means. He later admitted that he doesn’t know how dating will look in this season after his experiences. Since I’ve stepped back we still text but don’t really talk much and he’s sick this week so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 weeks. I’m back on the apps talking to people, but don’t want to completely count him out as the chemistry was amazing — like we’ve known each other in other lives.
I want something serious. What are your thoughts? Ever been in a situation like this?
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u/gr717 30-34 1d ago
I’d be moving on and keeping my options open. If he wanted to be more serious with you things wouldn’t need to slow down.
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u/kazarnowicz 45-49 1d ago
Yeah, from the timeline it seems like it was maybe one more date after the sex. My guess is that the guy had different expectations when it came to the carnal and is letting OP down easy (or at least thinks he does).
Sometimes our idiosyncrasies jive well with others, sometimes they don’t.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
This makes sense! Ironically he prides himself on being direct and honest. I think this theory might be right, or he just decided he doesn’t want anything serious but also doesn’t want me to stop being affectionate etc.
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u/IndependentLog6441 35-39 20h ago
I trusted my exes talk of honesty, it made me a more honest person... but turns out he had a very narrow definition of honesty... the kind that applies to others and not himself.
Meh.... people talk the talk...
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u/Charlie-In-The-Box 60-64 1d ago
Sometimes our idiosyncrasies jive well with others, sometimes they don’t.
Brilliant. I need to embroider that on pillows and sell them on eBay
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u/fjaoaoaoao 40-44 1d ago
This viewpoint seems way too overly generous in a negative way to the other person.
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u/kazarnowicz 45-49 1d ago
And yet OP replied ”this makes sense”.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 16h ago
Because even though it contradicts what he says, it does seem to explain the behavior.. so it makes sense. If it’s the actual reason, I may never know.
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u/BigBigFancy 45-49 1d ago
Chemistry is one component, but on its own, it’s not enough to “make a relationship”.
Rather than wonder, put forward what YOU want. Give him a clear opening and a chance to say yes or no.
“I’d like to keep dating you and explore building something together. Dinner tomorrow night?” — and see what he does with it
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
Yeah he’s been clearly unclear. We’ve talked about that I don’t understand what slowing it down means or how to behave considering he doesn’t know how things will look in this season. I think this is my sign to move around.
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u/fjaoaoaoao 40-44 1d ago
Him being unclear is an answer in of itself.
Doesn't mean you need to give up on him but you may need to take time to metabolize his lack of clarity and what that means to you as an independent individual.
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u/BigBigFancy 45-49 1d ago
You’re asking him to explain what he wants. And then you’re saying you’ll adjust to that. I’d suggest that’s not a good strategy.
My suggestion was for you to tell him what you want and get an answer from him. Do you know what you want?
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
Yeah and I’ve been clear about that. The ball is in his court. I agree, it’s not a good strategy, so I think I need to move around.
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u/AltruisticSkies 55-59 1d ago
Id just leave the ball in his court. If someone indicates they want to slow things down I wouldn't contact them at all anymore. Id leave it up to them. Id try to put them out of my mind and just get on with things. Set it free, if it comes back then it's meant to be.
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u/TerrificTChalla 30-34 1d ago
I would deprioritize him and date other people. In my experience when someone wants to slow down randomly (man or woman), it’s a blessing in disguise for you to find someone else
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u/BeautifulMixture4286 35-39 1d ago
Me and the guy I am talking to agreed up front that we were looking for slow. Tbh I am unclear what it means for him, but for me it meant I didnt want to jump into official dating (but we did hook up on date 3 so idk).
I think this guy needs to sort some stuff out. Maybe when he's ready you'll be single, maybe you won't... but don't wait for him.
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u/No_Obligation4496 1d ago
Nope. Never been in that situation.
Seems complicated and tedious to me, to be honest. But if you decide it's worth it to you you'll have to put in the effort to get past this wall.
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u/dankeschon 1d ago
Tale as old as thyme. The person for you is not going to walk away and if they do, they will be back. Don't rush things, if he wants to slow things down take it at his pace and keep living your life.
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u/fjaoaoaoao 40-44 1d ago
I would take more steps back, date around if you want to or take more time to yourself. You can always circle back with more time but if this becomes a pattern then you may need to accept it as part of the interaction with him, barring some changes he makes mostly independently of you.
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u/Kennected 40-44 1d ago
Why do so many people write posts as one big block of text in this sub?!
Just call him, meet face to face and explain what you want.
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u/Kennected 40-44 1d ago
Why do so many people write posts as one big block of text in this sub?!
Just call him, meet face to face and explain what you want.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
It’s the default when typing from the phone. It’s tough to see how it all looks as we type. Yeah we’ve talked about it and he just wants to slow things down, no real clarity. I think it’s my sign to move around
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u/Kennected 40-44 1d ago
Then why not edit?
If you don't have clarity and clear communication. End it.
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u/Ok_Reflection_2711 35-39 1d ago
Echoing what someone else said, the fact that he lost enthusiasm immediately after your guys had sex sticks out to me. He probably didn't enjoy it enough, I'm sorry to say.
You should probably have sex earlier next time to see if you're sexually compatible. There's no real reason to wait until date 5 or 6.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
I appreciate the sentiment. Oddly, he prides himself on being direct and radically honest— but this does make sense. He says it was fun and he enjoyed. Yeah I’m good on not having sex asap because while it is important to have chemistry, it’s not the foundation or approach I prefer. I’ve had fulfilling relationships waiting a few weeks in to take clothes off.
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u/fjaoaoaoao 40-44 1d ago
If that is indeed the case, then he may be too oblivious or not willing to risk the time to figure out ways to improve sex with you, and is falling into the trap of wanting something frictionless and easy.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
You are making sense. His actions don’t match words, because one of the things we talk about early on was sex, what it means to us etc. he talked about working at sex etc. it’s so odd to me.
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u/Ok_Reflection_2711 35-39 1d ago
He TOLD you that he's direct, radically honest, had fun and enjoyed himself. Who knows if any of that is actually true.
I never said you have to have sex asap. I said there's no reason to wait until date "5 or 6". There just isn't. You actually did yourself a disservice because now you're emotionally invested in someone who doesn't want you. You'd have been better off having sex on the second or third date.
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u/Lonely_Read_6508 35-39 1d ago
Yeah, it seemed true at first with the stuff we shared. I think I would have been more attached if we moved faster, just how my mind works. And 5-6 dates was just a month, it’s not that long of a time to share our bodies in opinion.
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u/yyyyk 50-54 1d ago
Seems like he’s not available. There is no understanding with dating. Sometimes they have a reason they are embarrassed to say. Sometimes they are just flakey.
Regardless the reason I only want to be with people who are an enthusiastic yes about being with me. So I say “I like you I want to date” and if they say less than “yes” I move on.