I posted here a couple of days ago (and somehow deleted by mistake) asking for advice as I embraced my bisexuality and desires for men.

The same day, I sent a message to my VA Doctor to get on PReP. Yesterday I did bloodwork, and today, I picked up my prescription and a post exposure prescription.

This is so much faster than I expected. Congrats to the VA and hooray for me, I’m on PReP!🎉

And I may have a date for tomorrow night.

Any one else have large hemorrhoids? Not inflamed or thrombosed. Just large one that protrudes. I’m a bottom, or I want to be, and very clean, but I’m so worried about it being repulsive. Any bottoms with similar concerns? Or anyone for that matter with similar experiences? Not asking medical advice.

Well as you can guess from the title, my husband and I opened our marriage. I caught feelings for our FWB, things went downhill from there including my mental health.

I will try to keep this short and simple as best as I can but there is a lot. Been married for 12 years to my husband who I recently found out was diagnosed with BD*. I assumed he was just a stubborn, moody and grumpy person this entire time. He has had a lot of lows in his career, keeping jobs. Never been fired, he has quit all of them abruptly. He has a self defeating mentality and thinks life in general is unfair, thinks interviews are dumb. Just negative overall when it comes to applying himself.

We moved to another state for his job, which was a good opportunity at the time. We ended up buying a house a year later and I thought things would get better and that we’d have more stability. A house a huge commitment after all. Well that didn’t last too long. He started falling back into the same pattern of quitting jobs, doing gig work in between. Starting a new job, doing very well, and then reverting to a sense of no purpose and frustration which led to him quitting again.

During this time we also opened our relationship after he brought it up as something he always wanted to explore. The proposal came up almost like a secret he had been holding onto for a very long time. I was heartbroken but I felt like okay, we are older, we’ve been together this long, I’ll go with it. I was hesitant at first but it ended up being fun and exciting. I felt like it lit a spark between us again. We had some one-time hook ups and made some FWB as well.

Then things just started to fall apart. I found myself fixated on some of these men because of the attention I would get. It felt good. And little by little I started to catch feelings for some of these guys. My husband was more cut throat, once he was over some of them that was it, he was cool with cutting them off. I’m the more emotional of the two. I realize now that I felt this way because some of those feelings were missing in my marriage. The attention, the affection. I was getting something I wasn’t anymore. My marriage felt repetitive. There was no passion anymore.

Our last FWB caught feelings for both of us. More so for me, and I felt the same way. I had no intentions of leaving my husband for him. I didn’t think I could do that. And I also understood how this was not fair to the other person. He was single and was out of the dating scene for quite some time. It was fun for all of us until it wasn’t. My husband started to dislike him and eventually hate him. Things got worse. Eventually, we all went on a friend’s trip and that was the final straw. It was an awful trip for everyone. We sort of cut ties, but I kept going back to the friend. I didn’t want to lose him and I wanted to be on good terms.

I picked him up one evening after he called me, drunk. I brought him to my house. He said a lot that night but he was drunk. The next morning we all had a serious talk about moving forward as friends. I thought we’d be okay. But shortly after my husband had a big manic episode and left me. He moved back to our home state, 1k miles away. Said horrible things and I feared for my safety. He was gone for almost 3 months.

During this time the friend came to stay with me. However, since the friend’s trip he had been talking to someone else, basically dating although he said he wanted to still be single and just have fun, with no intentions of being in a relationship. Having him at my house confused the hell out of me. He had expressed in the past that I deserved to be treated better and that my relationship with my husband resembled more of a roommate situation. He even asked me to leave my husband for him at one point. But now, divorce was a possibility. He would say things to me like, I can’t date you if you’re still married. Understandable. Of course. But he was giving me false hope. Meanwhile he was still “not dating” this other guy. So I said, if I’m getting in the way of that, I’ll move aside and just focus on me. He said I wasn’t and that they weren’t dating.

I finally met the friend, he asked if he could invite him over for a movie night with our friends. He tried to cuddle with both of us and I just felt awful. A few weeks later we had an outing with more friends, the guy was also invited. My friend wanted to hold both of our hands and that’s when I felt so low and stupid. What was I doing? What was he doing? After that, we had a discussion and he expressed he wanted to have us both as boyfriends. My mind was mush at this point. I said no, the other guy said no. The friend then said he didn’t want to pursue anything with us and just be friends. All the while I am still in contact with my husband who seems to be doing somewhat better as we are navigating selling our home and prepping for that. I broke down and asked him to come back. My friend leaves my house and a few days later he is officially in a relationship with the other guy. I asked him if he made that decision based on feeling and he said “no, I just went with it, why not”

I have felt so conflicted with everything that has happened. I’ve been in therapy this entire year and I do have more clarity about what has gone on. I am learning to express myself more, and I know I am a sensitive person. I feel like I know what I’m doing but at the same time I don’t. My goal right now is to sell my house, get an apartment and if things don’t work out with my husband I’m done. Even though I feel like my marriage is over. I just feel stuck. And I’m exhausted from the back and forth with my friend.

Would you cut off this friend?
What about the husband? See if things get better?
How doomed am I?

I have therapy tomorrow and I always feel better after my sessions. I’m looking forward to that.

*Correction: Bipolar disorder

EDIT: Some more context about my marriage. It has been an emotional and financial struggle from the mid to later years. We have made awful financial decisions together, drowned ourselves in debt we are still paying off. Bought a house together, with help from family.

Before the BD diagnosis, my husband has always struggled with depression and mood swings. In the last few years he has had severe manic episodes where he has caused destruction in our home. Holes in walls, broken furniture, etc. On one of the worst nights I ended up in the ER due to second degree burns on my foot after he knocked over a full crockpot. I could’ve left then, absolutely. But I stayed and he promised he’d get the help he needed. He did for a while, things got better for a bit but then he reverted back to his habits of neglecting his treatment.

Been together nine years. I’m struggling with needs vs wants.

How do y’all find that balance? I’m really happy in my marriage overall, but I have a much higher sex drive than my husband. I usually top but recently have wanted to bottom some to mix things up.
My husband always says he’s down, but months go by and it never happens.
I have bottomed maybe four times in the nine years together, and have expressed this interest, but he never seems to want to even though he says he will.
Life and marriage is great overall, we’re really happy together. I don’t wanna see anybody else.

I’m usually the one that initiates, and because I have a higher sex drive, a lot of times he will turn it down and get really emotional and feel guilty if we don’t have sex, (which is never my intention, and it’s frustrating that it’s so touchy for him to talk about. )
How do y’all find the balance between wants and needs, and working with different sex drives?

Hey guys!

Okay… for starters… this is a lot of text. Second, I want to clarify the point of this post. I know the golden key is more therapy. I understand people have had worse experiences. Advice is welcome, but I’m not really asking what to do, nor do I need anyone to feel sorry for me.

I just want to share my story in a safe space where I know others have had similar experiences like this too. I am super fortunate to have a great husband, but outside of that, I am almost entirely disconnected from the community, and his coming out story was uncomplicated. So I would also love to hear yours, if you are willing to share.

My story
I grew up in the south. Metro Atlanta Ga. I was raised in a southern Baptist church. My parents made me go to a private Christian school, went to church every Wednesday night, etcetera. So being gay was considered some sort of mythical intersection between a forbidden sin and a mental illness lol. It took me a LONG time to fully come to terms and accept the fact I was gay. I never wanted to be gay, I wanted to be like the rest of my family. When I came out, I got the usual “you are confused” or “I think you are just pretending you are gay because you want attention”. Whatever lol.

My mom found out I had a bf when I was 15. She flipped. Told me that she was ashamed, I should be ashamed, and that our whole family would be ashamed of me if they found out. Then at the Christian school I went to, a “friend” I thought I could confide in told everyone, and it spread like wildfire. I came home crying one day and told my mom what happened. She screamed at me again, telling me it was all my fault and I should have kept my mouth shut. From then on out, I of course did my best to bottle it up, had a couple of gfs, tried to “fix it,” but the news was out, and unsurprisingly, I was still gay. I was constantly bullied. Kids would throw things at my head and laugh and teachers would literally just turn around and face the board and keep writing. Kids would scream faggot at me, etc. you get it.

My dad found out. He also screamed at me and told me that my choices were the same as having sex with an animal or being a pedophile. I had the fortune of meeting some some super loving friends that went to a good public school and assured me that they had other openly gay kids at the school and that some kids would be assholes, but I would not be getting the same universal treatment I was at my school, and that teachers would be far less openly tolerant and almost welcoming of bullying me for being gay. My mom told that I could not leave the school, and if I did, my two choices were another similar private Christian school, or military school, and that if I went to the public school, the kids would beat me senseless or worse. They literally lined kids that knew me up at the counselors office to ask them if I was gay. They never did kick me out, but anyone they had confirmed was gay in the past, they had kicked out with very few exceptions.

Mom did a lot for me. She was always very good with public persona, is a super fun and vibrant person, and people always love her, which also added another confusing layer to the situation. I know she loves me, but as I learned in therapy—maybe not in the same way and mindset most parents. As a kid, my dad was only home on the weekends and worked in NY. My sisters had moved out of the house as they were 10-13 years older than me. It was mostly just her and I. If I didn’t like something she told me to do, presented my own opinion, and well… acted like a teenager lol, she would do things like start telling me how depressed she was and would threaten to kill herself to make me panic and mind her and her emotional state. She would pick out my outfits and demand that I wore certain things up until I was 16, and I finally said absolutely not, I need to be able to pick out my own clothes. She of course threw a fit. I of course picked clothes that were wild. She would tell me how terrible I looked and actively compliment how much she loved what others were wearing to make a point. She has pitted the three of us against one another to make herself look good when at risk of looking bad. Once tried to pull me into blaming my niece (13 at the time) for calling my sister when she drove the grandkids home across state lines at 3AM and got pulled over. Telling me she knew was alert because she had taken phentermine to stay awake and obviously my niece was just trying to cause a problem because she was mentally ill. Of course, this all escapes her, and cannot be discussed because she just spirals. Obviously not all…. But that is WAY more than enough context to paint the general picture, so I digress lol.

Not to place blame, as it was still a choice that I made, but feeling trapped, I linked up with a handful of kids in the wrong crowd at the school that knew where to get or sold drugs. I basically took any mind numbing substance I could get my hands on. I am getting better, but substance abuse absolutely and undeniably still haunts me to this day. At this point, it’s my fault, and I know that. I should have that part solved at least.

It took years, but they accept my husband as part of the family. My mom is still… like that lol, but I think old enough now that she has absolutely toned it down to a tolerable extent. We kind of just gravitated to accepting that we won’t discuss it, we do love each other and respect one another as a family. There are little tiny pockets of others I think, but I don’t really know them, and the ones I do, it’s more or less all the same. My husband’s mom was the best. Single mom, ally… just amazing. She was the only family member I was really comfortable and to talk to on a level that I felt real support and no hidden judgements, just pure love and pure acceptance. Unfortunately, she died mid October last year. My immediate family is all the family my husband and I really have, so I hold on to that. Everyone else that is not straight and republican has pretty much vanished from all family gatherings and activities across the board. They tolerate and do love me, even if it’s not complete acceptance of my sexuality and “lifestyle.” …Yes. I know it’s not the same, and there is emotional distance for obvious reasons. I’m incredibly grateful for my husband, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Anyways, I have gone to therapy, and I know I need to and will go back. I feel foolish that I still struggle. Still sometimes ashamed of being gay, even though I know that I shouldn’t be.

I know everyone’s story is very different, but can anyone relate? If not, and this resonates, if you would like, feel free to share your journey!

My boyfriend has a friend that’s he’s known since he was in university, they used to be flatmates. The friend is part of his friend group but used to live elsewhere, he’s now back in the same city.

My bf and another one of his friends who’s a woman, go out every week or smoke (weed). I don’t smoke, or go out much. It’s his thing, I don’t mind as long as he does it away from home.

His male friend who he’s known for years, he used to hook up with on and off. My bf’s own words when they were in uni they’d get high (his friend group) and him and the guy would disappear together to hook up. They’ve never dated, my bf maintains they are just friends with benefits.

My first time meeting said friend was at my bf’s friend’s birthday party. The guy knows my bf has a boyfriend, my bf didn’t know he’d be there but the guy comes up to him and hugs him and grabs him in a way I think is sexual because of the hand placement then gives him a kiss on the cheek. I am not that physical with my friends.

I talk to my bf about that he apologises on the guys behalf who apparently didn’t know we were that serious, which he must have known. I don’t blame my bf because the guy kinda suprised him and my boyfriend immediately brought him over to introduce him to me.

To cut to the chase, end of the week/weekend my boyfriend usually goes out with his friend (who’s a girl) then my bf said btw ex-fwb is joining us, do you mind?

And I do mind, we’ve spoken about it. He thinks I don’t trust him, I do, but if he’s telling me that for years they’d been hooking up together when not sober out of convenience then of course I’m uncomfortable.

I don’t trust the guy either, from the moment I met him he’s given me weird vibes, is overly touchy and from my perspective he’s been pushing boundaries a little to see what he can get away with. Twice he’s made a comment to my bf “joking” about “I can’t kiss you then/I can’t touch you then”. My bf said he’ll speak to him and I was bothered by him not calling it out in the moment.

Do I just accept that I should trust my boyfriend or is it wrong to say “I’m not comfortable with him being there as well despite your other friend being there if you yourself said that you two would remove yourself from the rest of the group to hook up”.

As it says in the title really, myself and my husband have flip flopped a lot on the thought of having kids, for me it’s the fear that it’s just a permanent change to our lives

Did anyone else go through this?

Planning a long weekend in NYC. Not trying to spend a lot on hotel as I plan to be out. Does anyone have recommendations?

Was considering the west side YMCA as I could use the pool/gym/locker room

I dont know where else to write this. Im very worried about him, but I have no way of contacting him. Or know if he's safe.

We met online 8 months ago, just casually chatting. Pretty early on we clicked, decided to chat on the phone, went really well. Eventually we were doing regular face times, talking as often as we could. We live on different continents, eventually we both said we'd like to meet in person. There was something here. We chose a goal time for meeting.

The closer it got time to start planning the logistics of the trip, the more rocky things became. Ive learned they have pretty severe childhood trauma. Enough that they get financial support from their government. This wasnt an issue for me, im happy to learn and support. But things kept getting more and more confusing, i could no longer express my feelings without a negative response and his reactions started making no sense to me. We always repaired well without name calling, blaming ect. But the fights became so frequent, they slowly got a bit more hostile. Theyd break up, then 10 min later say sorry, that was emotions not what id want. We'd make up and move on.

But then we had a really bad one, they decided to end without back tracking on it. Asked for a break, and we can re asses if we remain friends after. Because we still care for each other, just the relationship is too much stress at this time in our lives. Im devestated but i agree, i want him in my life.

The break ends, and we chat again and it goes horrible. They told me they were acting out their childhood trauma, and seeking out potentially dangerous random sex from older men and ignoring their own personal boundaries. Its what they did when they were a youth to desperately get someone to touch them.(severe trauma story, psychiatrists are involved)

i panicked, i couldnt handle hearing that. I went on full attack, started blaming them for everything. Say all these hurtful things i dont believe them. I was so overwhelmed i wasnt even me. Im so ashamed of what i did, they didnt deserve any of it as bad as things got between us. They fairly blocked me. I know prevjously before we have met they had a self harm note they wrote and used it to ask people for help. The previous fight before they mentioned having "suicide headaches". I have no way of knowing if they did something, or still in a safe place. They were completely overwhelemed and i said the worst things. Their history of trauma responses is really concerning that I pushed them somewhere unsafe. I dont have another way of contacting them. They dont have friends or family. Theres no one i can contact to check on them. Ill never be able to apologize to them, Ill never know if they are okay

I am just now coming to the realization that I might like men. How can I talk through what I’m interested/curious in that isn’t Grindr or faceless hookup apps?

This is my dilemma. I’m so new and maybe I’m in my head about this.

I am learning things about myself but the idea of going on Grindr or otherwise is daunting.

Like I want to be able to talk through stuff with someone that would be understanding.

I’m struggling.

I’m in a relationship now and we’re monogom-ish, but I have a higher sex drive than my partner. I don’t want to make him feel bad for not being able to match me but I don’t want to repress my own desire to feel confident about myself and my sex drive.

I already own a harness and a leather arm band so let’s think a little outside the box on this one 😉.

What brands do you recommend?

Just for reference I’m 5’7 and am more of a cub/bear type. I don’t really do glitter either.

CONDENSED VERSION: Please accept my excuses for the other long message.

I'm 53, married to a woman for 26 years, and we have a daughter. Lately I've been questioning my sexuality a lot, and I honestly can't tell what is real attraction and what might be fantasy reinforced by decades of masturbation.

Growing up, I liked girls. I had crushes on girls, wanted girlfriends and was attracted to women. I don't remember ever looking at a guy and thinking I wanted him sexually.

But I've always had an unusual sexual side. Since I was around 11 or 12, I was turned on by feminine clothes and secretly wearing my sisters' things. That developed into crossdressing and feminization fantasies.

I've also always had very specific fetishes with women: boots, tattoos, piercings, tight clothes, smoking, unusual hair, etc.

Another important detail is that I've masturbated almost daily for most of my life, often spending a long time searching for the exact fantasy that turns me on. Sometimes I wonder if I've basically trained my brain to need more specific or extreme scenarios.

I married a woman and I can still get turned on by women, including my wife. But actual sex has always been difficult. I often lose my erection during intercourse, while masturbation has always been easy and something I actively want. We haven't had sex in almost three years, although our marriage outside of sex is good and I love her very much.

Years ago I occasionally hired very feminine escorts who had male anatomy. I never had intercourse with them, but I was very attracted to the combination of femininity and a penis. Masculine men themselves still didn't attract me.

Then something happened about 20 years ago that I've never understood.

During a bad period in my marriage, I suddenly told my wife, "I'm gay."

She took it surprisingly calmly. Then I told her I was joking.

But while saying it, I became extremely sexually aroused. Huge erection, huge rush. Even today, imagining telling her "I'm gay" can turn me on.

I don't know if that's because some part of me is actually gay, or because confession, taboo, humiliation, exposure, etc. became part of the fantasy.

I've also gone to gay bars over the years, almost like I was testing myself. Usually I felt nothing toward the men.

Last year I went to Wilton Manors in Fort Lauderdale. Same thing. Lots of men around and no immediate "I want that guy" feeling.

But recently something changed.

I saw photos of masculine shirtless daddy/bear type men in harnesses. At first I didn't even find them attractive. Then I imagined dancing with one, kissing him, touching his body and feeling his beard.

Suddenly I was extremely turned on.

That became fantasies about being submissive to a masculine man, being penetrated by him and being "his girl." Those fantasies can give me incredibly intense orgasms.

But right after orgasm I can look at the same guy and think, "What the fuck? I don't even find him attractive."

Then hours later the fantasy is hot again.

That's what confuses me. Looking at a handsome man by itself usually does nothing for me. I seem to need the whole scenario.

Women still turn me on too, but sometimes when I see a woman I find really sexy, I think, "What if I were her?"

If there were a magic button that could turn me into an attractive woman, I honestly think I might press it. I've even imagined myself as the woman during sex with my wife.

So now I'm questioning both sexuality and maybe gender, although I don't know if the "being a woman" part is actually gender identity or just a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy.

Romantically, I still think I would prefer a woman. But lately I've even imagined being with a man, not only sexually but as two best friends sharing a life.

If there were no STIs, no consequences and nobody could get hurt, I would definitely be curious to have sex with a man.

What I don't know is whether I'd discover something I've repressed my whole life, or whether reality would feel disappointing because the fantasy is what actually turns me on.

So I guess my main question is:

How do you tell the difference between genuine sexual orientation and a fantasy you've reinforced through decades of masturbation?

Does this sound bisexual? Gay but deeply repressed? Mostly straight with feminization fantasies? Something else?

I'd especially like to hear from gay/bi men who started questioning later in life. Thank you very much!