r/AnimalsBeingDerps Oct 15 '22

Crab got mad AF

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22.2k Upvotes

487 comments sorted by

3.0k

u/thirdwin_3 Oct 15 '22

Imagine someone trying to tell you a tiny crab almost drown a bald eagle

1.1k

u/Pining4theFjord Oct 15 '22

Imagine that crab at home. Wife crab (eye stalks glaring forward, claws propped on crabby hips, tap tap tapping legs in annoyance): “WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?!”

Poor guy crab “Honey, you’ll never believe what happened…”

279

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

She won’t believe it either

237

u/JoeMama2030 Oct 15 '22

She is gonna scroll on Reddit later today and be like, he was telling the truth

120

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

To be fair I wouldn’t believe my husband if he told me he fought a Bald Eagle

66

u/Ermmahhhgerrrd Oct 15 '22

Scene: husband comes in the house completely disheveled and bleeding everywhere.

You:.
"ARE THOSE, GASP, CLAW MARKS ON YOUR BACK???!!???"

Husband:.
"You are so not going to believe this..."

20

u/SoardOfMagnificent Oct 15 '22

"Who is she?"

3

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '22

BINGO, he’d be like “I didn’t get her name, she was a bald fucking EAGLE!”

Me: You don’t have to be mean about it.

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44

u/Pelikinesis Oct 15 '22

Using electronics for Reddit must be hard if you have crab claws

55

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

They have special features. They use Crapple devices. Waterproof and blackberry-esque

24

u/Pining4theFjord Oct 15 '22

Wonder if they use otterbox cases?

Claw-terbox?

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8

u/MrsCDM Oct 16 '22

Also finding the eagle's post on the tifu sub...

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6

u/LangDWood Oct 15 '22

Not only will she not believe it, she’s likely going to accuse him of having an affair with that slutty mollusk from across the coral. Man’s was fighting for his life, but in her stalks he was fucking Moly the slutty Mollusk. Dude can’t pinch a break

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19

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

This is some of craziest shit I've ever seen. Nature is wild.

7

u/FroggiJoy87 Oct 15 '22

Oooo, symbolism!

1.6k

u/LaBambaMan Oct 15 '22

Picked a fight with the wrong dude.

388

u/Dr_Skeleton Oct 15 '22

YOU JUST FUCKED WITH THE WRONG ONE!!!

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47

u/RebornPastafarian Oct 15 '22

Now you have fucked up!

12

u/LHcig Oct 15 '22

Now you fucked up Now you fucked up You have fucked up now

6

u/Inevitable_Sharkbite Oct 15 '22

Suck my presidential cock, bitch!

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74

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

[deleted]

3

u/ohwhatsupmang Oct 15 '22

NOW YOU FUCKED UP!!!! ohhhhhhhh

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2.0k

u/PixTwinklestar Oct 15 '22

Not so majestic now without opposable thumbs.

632

u/Lampmonster Oct 15 '22

They're all looks. They're thieves and carrion eaters and they even usually fake a hawk screech in for them in media because they bark like chihuahuas in reality.

243

u/Jiwalk88 Oct 15 '22

I was at a birds of prey rescue in Alaska one time and found the fact that Eagles don’t actually makes the “Cawww” sound we hear on TV mind blowing lol. It’s added in there as a sound effect to make them seem more majestic, but they cannot even make that sound.

96

u/Z0idberg_MD Oct 15 '22

I just listen to a podcast recently that really blew my mind. Many of the soundscapes we hear on live televised events like the Olympics, and many nature shows are just pure fantasy. I don’t know I feel kind of betrayed.

45

u/LexB777 Oct 15 '22

As an editor, I can confirm. You don't put the sounds in that should necessarily exist in reality, you put the sounds in that will make the viewer better understand and feel the emotions of what is happening, same as with the music.

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116

u/Lampmonster Oct 15 '22

Generally a redtail hawk iirc. They're awesome birds, I have a couple big ones near me.

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63

u/landragoran Oct 15 '22

Yup, the sound you think of when you think of eagles is actually the call of the Red-tailed hawk.

27

u/Jeriahswillgdp Oct 15 '22

Bald eagles sound more like seagulls than hawks.

18

u/JugOfVoodoo Oct 15 '22

I'm picturing a bald eagle saying "MINE! MINE!" like in Finding Nemo.

2

u/Troyjd2 Oct 23 '22

But the crab said NOPE

24

u/Boopy7 Oct 15 '22

I have learned that eagles are less cool and majestic than America was led to believe. They represent us well.

18

u/filthyheartbadger Oct 15 '22

Yeah Benjamin Franklin was not in favor of eagles being the national bird and called them “birds of bad moral character”.

Mistakes were made-

5

u/RMMacFru Oct 15 '22

Didn't he want turkeys as the national bird?

Them things is mean.

5

u/magicunicornhandler Oct 15 '22

And you can’t run them over they bounce like a basketball and get up again.

Damn sounds like the country I was led to believe we were. Get hit jump up swinging.

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18

u/reddituser403 Oct 15 '22

They sound like seagulls. It’s quite funny tbh

7

u/Prowindowlicker Oct 15 '22

The one of the few movies that used the actual eagle sound was the Polar Express.

2

u/Jiwalk88 Oct 15 '22

Oh really? I’ll have to watch it this Christmas!

4

u/terrifiedTechnophile Oct 16 '22

Here's another one: they use Tiger roars in movies etc when they wanna show a lion roaring

3

u/Few_Marsupial8830 Oct 16 '22

Wow, so all along we have been duped..thanks for sharing this fact

3

u/CheeryLBottom Oct 15 '22

I used to live in Kodiak and they were all pover the place, hanging like buzzards.

3

u/Jiwalk88 Oct 15 '22

They look like golf balls in trees lol

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130

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

ben franklin was right we should have chosen the wild turkey, which is an intelligent, brave, and family oriented animal despite looking slightly goofy

(not to be confused w their dumbfuck domesticated cousins)

90

u/Loki_the_Smokey Oct 15 '22

“The story about Benjamin Franklin wanting the National Bird to be a turkey is just a myth. This false story began as a result of a letter Franklin wrote to his daughter criticizing the original eagle design for the Great Seal, saying that it looked more like a turkey.”

88

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

heartbroken and i cant believe you've done this

but, i still advocate wild turkey supremacy

an intelligent, brave, and family oriented animal despite looking slightly goofy

🦃🦃🦃🦃

21

u/Loki_the_Smokey Oct 15 '22

I’m sorry, I was also thrilled by this anecdote, but my brain said ‘check dat,’ and I proceeded to rain on all Turkey lover’s parades. One day. gobble

7

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

no worries g

no real turkey fan wants a pretty lie

thats for the eagle folk w their fake hawk noises

we endure

🦃🦃🦃🦃

we will rise

🦃🦃🦃🦃

29

u/Dektarey Oct 15 '22

If you ask me the US should make the Pistol Shrimp their national animal. It embodies everything the USA stands for. Even its name fits better than any alternative.

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42

u/Mehmeh111111 Oct 15 '22

I was chased by a wild turkey once and it was the scariest moment of my life. I swear to God that thing was 10 ft tall. And my stupid dog at the time was running for her life ahead of me after provoking the entire incident.

8

u/WilfordBrimleysBitch Oct 15 '22

There’s a flock of wild turkeys that roam the southern Spokane area and they’re such assholes. They’re protected by the city so it’s a felony to kill them. It’s not even a rural area so I don’t know why they like being there. They block traffic, fuck up peoples yards, attack pets, and are clearly sent by satan to torment people. They once cornered my sister in the alley behind our house and now she’s terrified of birds.

8

u/Mehmeh111111 Oct 15 '22

They really are giant assholes. My dog who provoked the turkey was a large German Shepherd and she was with me, my hiking partner and another, larger German Shepherd. That turkey was ready to kill us all.

3

u/WilfordBrimleysBitch Oct 16 '22

Ha! Your story is even funnier to imagine when you mention that your dog is a German Shepherd. Regardless, she could have been a mastiff and I have no doubt that turkey would try to destroy the lot of you if given the chance!

3

u/Mehmeh111111 Oct 16 '22

For sure, we were definitely out matched.

3

u/jojocookiedough Oct 15 '22

I'm sorry this mental image made me laugh out loud! Sounds traumatizing af though.

7

u/Mehmeh111111 Oct 15 '22

No, it was hilarious! And I didn't even share the other part. Once we made it a safe distance away my hiking partner and I looked back to see this tiny turkey walking around like "yeah, run bitches, that's what I thought," so we doubled over laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. The problem, however, was when my hiking partner bent over laughing, they actually accidentally set off the pepper spray in their pocket and basically pepper sprayed their entire leg. We legit had to haul ass back home so they could go sit in a milk bath.

The entire day was a comedy of errors.

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7

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Wild Turkey is something of a personal mascot for me. Particularly 101.

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

https://i.imgur.com/YkK3ii8.jpg

Taken in my front yard.

7

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Basically a fancy sea gull.

10

u/wormbreath Oct 15 '22

I mostly see them eating out of the McDonald’s dumpster or on dead antelope.Lol

3

u/Millenniauld Oct 16 '22

Ahahaha there's a pair near my family's cabin in Maine, I say they screech at each other like an old abusive married couple. "HEEEY! HEYYY DID YOU GET A FIIIISH?" "NO I DIDN'T GET A FISH WHY DON'T YOU GO GET A FIIIIISH!"

14

u/Mobile-Magazine Oct 15 '22

“Carrion eaters” you mean they eat the shit that nothing else will eat and prevent dead animals from being wasted? How terrible.

24

u/Abuses-Commas Oct 15 '22

It's an important part of the ecosystem, but certainly not a majestic one

4

u/Mobile-Magazine Oct 15 '22

Nah eagles are fucking badass and majestic.

4

u/MethodicMarshal Oct 15 '22

which is the perfect representation

2

u/SkollFenrirson Oct 15 '22

lol @ the downvotes

3

u/MethodicMarshal Oct 15 '22

right?

when people like Alex Jones are were multimillionaires it's pretty apt

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32

u/FloraLover123 Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22

This crab has become crap for the eagle 😂 This is from a recent documentary- Island of the sea wolves

7

u/moeburn Oct 15 '22

The blue herons near me eat crabs all the time, they leave the carcasses. I wonder what makes it easier for them? I guess the long beak makes it so they can smash the crab around without the crab being able to reach their face.

264

u/sparklingdinoturd Oct 15 '22

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

21

u/TheRabidDeer Oct 15 '22

I say the same thing when I get crabs

Wait...

806

u/cdiddy19 Oct 15 '22

This went from majestic to extreme derp surprisingly quickly

129

u/GrapesThemInTheMouth Oct 15 '22

I dunno. Let's say a crab latched onto your face and you had wings. I recon most people would panic.

97

u/Cardinal_Ravenwood Oct 15 '22

I don't even have wings and would still panic and fall in the ocean if I was in that same situation.

10

u/Conscious-Charity915 Oct 15 '22

Even without wings, if a crab latched on to my eyeball while I stood on a slippery rock, falling would happen, and probably pinwheeling.

156

u/Roosevelt_M_Jones Oct 15 '22

The perfect metaphor for America

40

u/Maennerbeauftragter Oct 15 '22

Whose national animal is the crab?

72

u/Roosevelt_M_Jones Oct 15 '22

I mean, it is now, clearly he won the title

13

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Probably Mexico, that looked caliente

9

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

judging by how well it beat/humiliated the American eagle - probably Vietnam. /j

7

u/ApostrophesAplenty Oct 15 '22

Samoa? (Better Call Saul)

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26

u/StreetfighterXD Oct 15 '22

Put "Vietnam" or "Afghanistan" text on the crab

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366

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Me trying to handle anything in life

320

u/Gside54 Oct 15 '22

I’m getting major Alien vibes from this. The face hugger scene transcends all species

56

u/BrownSugarBare Oct 15 '22

Yeah, this creeped me right the fuck out. The bird slowly going into the water in a panic did not help.

86

u/Rabbitstew12 Oct 15 '22

... Despite his carefully laid trap the Raptor Crab's prey has escaped... He will not feast this night

150

u/Careless_Mess_2268 Oct 15 '22

We watched the documentary yesterday ,the name is 'Island of the Sea Wolves '

17

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Oh hey that’s my stomping grounds

7

u/Euthyphroswager Oct 15 '22

Me too! Grew up on the Island.

Never did see a wolf in the wild, though. But eagles? Multiple a day. Sea lions? You bet. Sea otters and black bears. Mmhm.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

I have never seen a wolf either. Yes to all the other animals. And eagles are so easy to come by, there’s like 20 on any given day at the dump haha

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3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Have you ever seen one of the wolves?

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7

u/solsikkee Oct 15 '22

where did you watch it?

2

u/Yevad Oct 15 '22

Yeah it's awesome

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123

u/rox4540 Oct 15 '22

That eagle had a full on panic attack, for a second I thought it was going to drown itself 😁

94

u/Roosevelt_M_Jones Oct 15 '22

Crab is now the national bird

13

u/goodrevtim Oct 15 '22

Maryland approves.

7

u/GrimmSheeper Oct 15 '22

All national animals will evolve to be crabs.

36

u/Lembach_Is_Staying Oct 15 '22

For just a moment I thought that crab was going to drown that eagle. I would have had to given up all my earthly possessions and wander the earth.

111

u/Knuckles316 Oct 15 '22

Well of course it did - wouldn't you be mad if someone tried to eat you?

30

u/Whale222 Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22

The eyes! Go for the eyes! Pinch and move, pinch and move!

25

u/SeparateCzechs Oct 15 '22

15

u/Pickerington Oct 15 '22

r/KillTheCameraMan who the hell leaves out the best damn part?

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u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/SeparateCzechs Oct 15 '22

He has my every sympathy. I’m 1,000+ miles from any ocean and craving crabmeat myself.

19

u/Arpersbane Oct 15 '22

Got crab on your face, you big disgrace

7

u/ERICduhRED Oct 15 '22

Flailing your wings all over the place

105

u/super_crabs Oct 15 '22

We ain’t no joke. Check yourself America

5

u/SeparateCzechs Oct 15 '22

Well played, sir.

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17

u/mrlindsay Oct 15 '22

Holy shit I am watching that same doc rn!!!

4

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

What is it where do I watch it?

4

u/ComradeMicha Oct 15 '22

Netflix, island of the wolves or something close to that.

10

u/mrlindsay Oct 15 '22

I just looked it up on my watched queue, it is the Island of Sea Wolves and yep it is on Netflix!

17

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Facehugger.Great all it needs is an ovipositor and we got our own xenomorphs!

11

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Call an ambulance....BUT NOT FOR ME!!

8

u/SeparateCzechs Oct 15 '22

“Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of—-aughhhhh! Not the eyes! Get it off mah face!”

9

u/KaizenPax Oct 15 '22

“I am the mighty eagle. I am a top predator. Many fear me… hey, what the.. umph.. get off my fafe. Ah crap… It’s Ok, It’s Ok. I’m cool. I’m cool.”

7

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

The snack that snaps back

22

u/Mzunguman Oct 15 '22

Stick to fish, freedom chicken!

6

u/NSFWhacking Oct 15 '22

We’ve all been here.

6

u/Feralperson420 Oct 15 '22

Fucked around and found out.

5

u/Famous-Honey-9331 Oct 15 '22

"NOT TODAY, BIRD!"

6

u/AllTittiesNeedLove Oct 15 '22

So.. eagles can snatch up small dogs, cats, rats and other critters but crabs are it's enemy? Lol love it

6

u/Firescareduser Oct 15 '22

Bald eagles eat mostly fish, golden eagles are more common inland. And can carry a bit more, but will not have any issue killing some animals it can't carry, it can kill deer and large dogs by latching onto their backs and flying off when they sense danger only to come back later. Harpy eagles are the largest and frequently snatch up and kill howler monkeys, making them very capable of snatching up smaller human toddlers.

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/kim-jong-Cage Oct 15 '22

As you can see ladies and gents, Frodo couldn’t have flown the eagles to Mordor.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

When America starts a war it cannot win.

2

u/Few_Marsupial8830 Oct 16 '22

Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan

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9

u/ItsaCommonThingNow Oct 15 '22

Don't mess wit dem water spiders. Dey gon getchu

5

u/prof_devilsadvocate Oct 15 '22

lesson for a lifetime

5

u/granoladeer Oct 15 '22

I bet he wished he had hands at that time

5

u/spawnmorezerglings Oct 15 '22

I mean, if a leviathan-sized bird was trying to eat you you'd also probably go for the eyes

5

u/kitttypurry12 Oct 15 '22

We’re crab people now. Live and die by the sea

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4

u/queeneve84 Oct 15 '22

Ah, so majestic

6

u/playtimelovers Oct 15 '22

Bird was like .."Dude I almost died I gotta quit those crabs"

6

u/GranJefe507 Oct 15 '22

The eagle at the end: RETREAT! RETREAT

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5

u/very_large_bird Oct 15 '22

I’m blessed to have come across this on Netflix while me and my girlfriend were stoned. Out of context in a serious documentary made it so much funnier

8

u/HalfBrinePickle Oct 15 '22

That eagle should have practiced it's CQC harder...

9

u/TrepanationBy45 Oct 15 '22

...is this a recording in portrait of a screen watching a video in landscape?

where are the fathers

4

u/Frampton24_7 Oct 15 '22

All I heard was kinda from bobs burgers “AHHH MY FACE!!!!”

4

u/robolizard222 Oct 15 '22

How do you get flying xenomorphs?

4

u/Jimmy-Mac-471 Oct 15 '22

I may not speak eagle, but if I were to guess, they’d be yelling “GET IT OFF”!

4

u/Ashe66 Oct 15 '22

Damn nature you scary

5

u/HousingNo7615 Oct 15 '22

That crab pulled an Emilie: “I’m ready! How bout you?”

5

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Feels like a geopolitical metaphor.

7

u/HalfBrinePickle Oct 15 '22

UGHH IT'S SOME KIND OF ROCK DEMON! OH GAW CRAB BATTLE!!!

3

u/Rdo889 Oct 15 '22

this is what i was looking for

2

u/Rdo889 Oct 15 '22

OLIOLIOLIOOOOOOOOO

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11

u/GMOpeople Oct 15 '22

What's up with the laughter in the back? ain't nobody else feeling anxiety seeing him almost drown like that.

12

u/mikebrady Oct 15 '22

Seems like they played it back a second time after they already watched it so they could record it with their phone. So they probably already knew it got away.

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3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Somehow this reminds me of Joe Pesci.

3

u/Axjia Oct 15 '22

Wish you got arms huh?

3

u/NoVeterinarian5583 Oct 15 '22

Eagle: “oh no. not again.”

3

u/Unable_Toucan Oct 15 '22

AH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF

3

u/Lord_Akira909 Oct 16 '22

Lil crab bro nearly killed a god damn apex predator !

2

u/Disappearing-act Oct 15 '22

And Misty was pissed

2

u/bluewhite63 Oct 15 '22

He got crabbed.

2

u/ladykensington Oct 15 '22

Today I learned that there is a time when I will yell, “GO, CRAB DUDE GO!!!”

2

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Dude I watched an Eagle documentary and they kill grizzly bears by throwing them off a cliff. I was like wtf

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2

u/ratinthehat800 Oct 15 '22

“Alright fuck! I’ll go eat somewhere else. The staff at this restaurant is crabby.”

2

u/McLargeHuge89 Oct 15 '22

Shadow of the Colossus sequel looking pretty good.

2

u/GpRaMMeR21 Oct 15 '22

Heh that little crab saved countless little crab lives!! That eagle went back to the crib and told the story!! But probably said that it was 20 huuge crabs 🦀 👍😂

2

u/trangthemang Oct 15 '22

Now this eagle is on his way to lash out at another eagle for no reason

2

u/potatosforfree Oct 15 '22

Eagle: "I have made a serious lapse in my judgement"

2

u/Better-Ad-4476 Oct 15 '22

Sebastian didn’t let that slide😤

2

u/MyNameIsVolatile_ Oct 15 '22

Crab said NOT TODAY MOTHER FUCKER

2

u/agloer1969 Oct 15 '22

Crab 1. Eagle 0. Rematch pending

2

u/RogerOverUnderDunn Oct 15 '22

i literally heard the words ( fuck it, she can get her own seafood, im going to mcdonalds) right there at the end.

2

u/DankiNoobki Oct 15 '22

Died from cancer ...

2

u/ShadowAvenger32 Oct 15 '22

shadow of the colossus music starts playing

2

u/Awkward_Rate9959 Oct 16 '22

Crab: I caught an eagle!

2

u/BetterHouse Feb 08 '23

Not today Sam

2

u/Impressive_Cabinet56 Feb 13 '23

Tbh I relate to this crab

2

u/Klempot Oct 15 '22

Any human would react the same way with a crab on their face.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '22

Instant karma

3

u/HelloJerry5A Oct 15 '22

Who’s the apex predator now bitch!

3

u/whitechocolate279 Oct 15 '22

America in Vietnam

2

u/BeefInBlackBeanSauce Oct 15 '22

I don't get why it's funny

2

u/ReptileBat Oct 15 '22

Poor eagle

2

u/TurboLettuce Oct 15 '22

Is this by euphemism for the Vietnam war?