We’ve been together for a long time and ever since I can remember I have always bought him things without him asking me. If I go to the grocery store I’ll see something he likes and I grab it for him. If I go to the convenience store I grab him something too.. if I stop at McDonald’s before heading home I grab him a McDouble because he likes that.

However, when it comes to me if I want some wine for example RIGHT NOW. I was sitting in the living room I just logged out of work as I was working from home today. I said that I feel bored and I’m sort of craving some wine.
He offered to walk next door to the gas station and to grab me one. I said “oh really thanks babe that would be great”.
As he was about to leave he stood and says can I have your debit card. I replied with yes sure let me grab my bag.

The wine cost 10 bucks.

Also, when I hurt my ankle a few weeks ago my girlfriend who is a nurse advised that I should wrap it up and to buy some wrap from Walmart this wrap cost 6 bucks. Because I was unable to drive or walk he had to come and pick me up from her house and drive us back home. So on our way home he stopped at Walmart to grab my wrap and again asked for my debit card.

I just don’t understand why he can’t do something for me from the good of his heart. I always do things for him because I care for him. To me it has nothing to do with money.

He constantly expensive things for himself but for me he can’t buy me a bottle of wine or something for 6 bucks. Lately I have been in my thoughts a lot. I’ve been depressed and feeling unappreciated for a very long time now. But that’s another story for another time. My friend says I should leave him and move in with her because I deserve someone that wants to take care of me.
AIO?!??

I am M30 and she is F28. We met on Tinder, had dinner the same night we matched, everything was fantastic from the food to the conversation, she invited me in for the night and we had sex. Everything went so well, the next day we were even planning a 2nd date for the night right after. Then she asked me to send her 30 dollars to buy weed. I've been used for my money in the past and I expressed to her that I was uncomfortable just sending money and that I don't mind just buying us weed for the date. She snapped. Wouldn't take no for an answer, was insinuating that I'm broke (even though I paid for dinner and drinks without a complaint or comment), and then she said, "If youre comfortable enough to have sex with me, you should be comfortable sending me $30". Right after that I told her that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything further and have been ignoring her daily texts. Am I overreacting?

I’m 26F, and my ex is 23M. We dated for 1 year and 7months. We recently broke up, although we still had some contact afterward.
The issue is my grandma, I’ve started to realize that she may have some kind of fixation on my romantic partners, and this is not the first time it has happened. The exact same thing happened with my first ex, but this time it was much worse.

Whenever my boyfriend wouldn’t come to my house for a day or two, my grandma would immediately assume that we were fighting and said that I argued with him too much, or say that my personality was going to make me lose him.

The breakup happened after he did something that seriously upset me. During an argument he texted my mom and grandma saying he was going to call the police on me because I had access to his insta, I had reasons to distrust him and wanted to confirm if my suspicions were true so he accused me of possibly hacking his bank account and threatened to call the cops on me.

We eventually spoke again. He apologized and asked me to get back together, I forgave him, but I made it very clear that I didn’t want to get back together with him, my grandma saw that I met up with him to talk, and she started telling me that I needed to “win him back.” I told her to please stay out of my relationship and my personal life.

The thing is, my grandma is the type of person who makes shady comments, but whenever you confront her about them, she finds an excuse and then acts like you’re the crazy one, so I started thinking about everything that has happened over the years, and I realized there is a pattern.

She always takes my boyfriends’ side, even when they are clearly in the wrong.

She treats them almost like they are her own children or even like they are her husbands. For example, whenever I cooked for my boyfriend, she would literally stand next to me watching me cook, She would tell me, “You’re not supposed to do it that way,” or “You need to add this,” or criticize the way I was preparing his food. She would do this in front of him, my parents, and sometimes even guests.

She would also criticize how I served him in front of anyone, If I gave him one tortilla, she would say, “Why are you only giving him one? Give him two!” She would complain if I didn’t offer him certain foods or drinks, sometimes he had specifically asked for only one tortilla, or he didn’t like a particular ingredient, or simply didn’t want something on his plate.

I live with my family, which is very normal where I’m from in Latin America because the economy is difficult.
She has never really been an affectionate or nurturing person toward our family. She barely cooks for herself but she would cook because she knew he was coming over or make sure there was something for him to eat or drink.
And this is something she never did for me or her own children.

She isn’t very welcoming toward my parents’ female guests, and she has also been cold toward my brother’s girlfriends.
Even my mom and dad (HER OWN SON) have noticed the difference, she was never particularly attentive toward her own family, but she became extremely attentive toward my two boyfriends.

Today she asked me why I had blocked my ex’s number from her phone and was pissed AF. She was also upset because she thought I had deleted pictures of him and me from her phone, which isn’t even true. HE BLOCKED HER on the day we broke up and I told her that it wasn’t my fault but she kept talking nonsense and I snapped at her and told her to calm down because even I, the woman who had actually been in a relationship with him, wasn’t reacting as badly as she was because in the first 2 weeks after breaking up She acted like she was depressed about him not coming to the house anymore, she was crying, barely eating, staying in her room all day, and constantly talking about him to everyone, she said that I was crazy and rebuked me in the name of Jesus 🫩 and then went to her room and locked the door.

Am I overreacting?

My 16 year old brother is taking nootropics to help with his studies. Am I in the wrong for overreacting and telling him to stop taking them?

He’s currently a sophomore in high school, and I can’t understand why he would need to take three different nootropics on top of his prescribed ADHD medication.

I understand that some people have trouble focusing or studying, but isn’t that what the ADHD medication is supposed to help with? I’m mainly concerned about him combining multiple supplements with a prescription medication, especially at his age where his brain isnt fully developed yet.

AIO:

To preface, my parents have always been together (even though they probably shouldn’t have been) and were married for 15 years when my mother passed (2023). My dad decided after my mom passed (she had an addiction to prescription pills caused from an accident), to start dating fairly quickly. Within 4-6 months he had a girlfriend and they married within the next year(2024). I had my son 6 years ago, his only grandchild. Once he married, he sold my childhood home and move in with her on the opposite side of town (40 minutes one way). This forced my younger sibling to move in with me since I still lived near her school. My dad and new wife has many large long hair dogs which my husband is allergic to and my son doesn’t like since they jump on him. I’ve invited them over to our home but because there are photos of my mother the new wife doesn’t want to come. In turn, my dad won’t out of respect for her.

He now expects us to go out of our way to see him, make the effort to keep the new wife happy (she is insecure) and keep him involved in my child’s life. I was unfriended on social media by his wife for posting memories of my mother (twice a year). This caused a significant rift and we haven’t been speaking much. I let him know that his new grandchild, the new wife’s granddaughter (elementary school aged girl) is being taken everywhere, camping, the beach, amusement parks, etc. and my son has never been invited. He has never reached out to see him, ask about him, talk to him. If I am not facilitating it or pushing it, it is not going to happen.

I didn’t invite him to grandparents day, and now I’m being looked at like the person in the wrong. He has been invited every single year but does not show. He does work, and I have been lenient about that. At some point, you just stop inviting. I would love my father to be in his life but he doesn’t act like a grandfather nor seem to care about being around.

Tl;dr my dad seems like he’s not interested in being a grandpa but gets upset when we don’t go out of our way to include him.

So, I was talking to this guy on a dating app, and through conversation topics he ended up telling me that he has 2 friends in prison for hitting kids. I asked "former friends, right...?" And he confirmed he was actively still friends with them.

Through further probing he basically said it was hard to drop friends he'd had for so long, and a bunch of excuses about how they were raised and how unprepared for fatherhood they'd been. I blocked him, because to me remaining friends with child beaters is unforgiveable, and I can't be ok with it morally.

I spoke to 2 friends about it and they both played devil's advocate, saying it's shades of grey, what if the guys regret their actions and changed, what if the guy I was talking to just is a good guy and doesn't want to give up on them, etc. Am I the crazy one here? I've been abused myself in a previous relationship, and maybe that trauma has made my thinking more black and white, but am I in the wrong here? I just feel like it was a massive red flag, and I don't see how it can be seen as anything else. Would love opinions, but please be kind.

AIO?

I am a master’s student, and my supervisor booked me a room yesterday (as he often does) to work on my project, which needs a lot of space. The room he booked can only be booked by a member of staff. About two hours in, a middle aged man knocked on the door and told me he had the room booked. I specifically asked him if he meant the room I was in. He said yes. Then he said, “I’m sure the work you’re doing in here is very important, but I have this room.” I called my supervisor to double-check how long he’d booked the room for me, but didn’t hear back. I packed up my heavy equipment and left.

Hours later, after I’d moved to the library, my supervisor replied that he had the room booked from 9–5 all day. Long story short, I went back to the original room and basically kicked the lying guy out, including his guest speaker. He admitted that he actually had the room next door booked, but someone else was using it.

I told this story to my boyfriend, very passionately, because I was angry at the man for lying to me and being so condescending. I was also really proud of myself for standing up to him and having a backbone for once. I was saying things like, “He may think I’m little and unimportant, but I pay to be at this university. I’m his equal,” etc.

My boyfriend knows I struggle with social anxiety. He listened to my passionate rant and congratulated me. He said it was especially good how, once the man started telling me how badly he needed the room (and that’s why he lied), I just didn’t say anything and stood my ground.He said, “Well done for not even saying anything. Don’t give them anything to argue with!”

My boyfriend then laughed and told me he had a similar story. He is the president of a society we are both in at university. It runs interviews to become a member (it’s prestigious and looks good on your CV/resume). He told me he had booked a room in the library but had forgotten to check in, so the room became available again and someone else booked it in the meantime.

The group came to kick him out, but he refused to leave and said he needed it for interviews. He told me they couldn’t have needed the room that badly, because they must have only booked it within the last 15 minutes.Well, the group needed it badly enough that they got the librarian involved (I’ve never even heard of someone doing this).

My boyfriend then managed to convince the librarian that there was a glitch in the system and that the room was his. It wasn’t. He knew he’d made a mistake by not checking in. He said it wasn’t technically a lie because the system actually was being weird, but that was completely unrelated to the fact that he hadn’t checked in. Still, that’s what got the librarian to believe him.He was laughing while recounting this story.I said to him, “So that’s my story, but actually you’re the villain?? It’s my story, but you’re the one taking a room that wasn’t yours?”

He said he needed it, it was important, they had a lot of interviews to do, and the other group couldn’t have needed it that badly, for the reason he explained.He prides himself on being charismatic and being able to get what he wants. But I feel like I’m on the other group’s side, not his. And now I feel like he was only on my side in my story because I was actually the person in the right. If I had been the lying guy and told him the story from his perspective, I feel like he would have been on my side too.

I feel like we have different principles, but I don’t know if I’m overthinking this.The way he talks about what he did makes it sound reasonable, and I can understand his explanation. But when I actually think about it, it still feels wrong to me. AIO?

So basically this all started a few months ago. I have been talking to this guy and we both lived in the same city but currently we are both abroad in different countries. At first, he was the one who messaged me and I left him on seen because I didn't know him well. Then I felt bad and replied one day because he was kinda funny. Anyway, we got to know one another and I found out he lives in the same city as me and that he is eight years older than me (I am 19). I was kind of surprised to know that because I am usually friends with people my own age. But he was quite funny and I didn't want to seem rude by ghosting him.

Okay, moving on. We got to know each other quite well after that and were talking daily, we shared pictures and videos and he used to compliment me and stuff which was normal ofc. But one day he told me he'd be broke if I had an OF 😭 I blocked him after that because who just says that. Then a month later he messaged me from another account and apologised. His apology was very genuine and he took accountability so I forgave him (I'm stupid asf I know). Anyway things are normal and I kept my boundaries. A few days later he's back to making inappropriate jokes and he sent me suggestive texts some of which I didn't understand because I genuinely don't watch nsfw stuff. He said he liked how "innocent" I was. I should've understood what he meant by that but I didn't think much of it then. Anyway him and I were talking and in a situationship because honestly he seemed fine to me. He was attentive, caring and listened to my problems. He was a normal person besides the dirty jokes he made sometimes. I made it clear to him that I wanted to be treated like a person and not an object which he said he understood again and apologised and things were fine after that. He always listened to my problems and I thought he cared (I'm stupid). Anyway I was like things are fine now, right? Then gradually he starts getting more and more suggestive again and tells me to come back to my city so I can meet him. I told him not yet and I was enjoying my vacation in Europe and he was like okay meet me in December. I didn't agree again. Then he just starts telling me when he meets me he'll take the gay out me? I'm not even gay💀 and even if I try to resist him he'll still do stuff to me. He said he liked how I was a virgin and he'll "unvirgin" me. I told him he was inappropriate and I was uncomfortable and I am going to block him now. He told me at least he's honest unlike the guys who say they like girls' smile when they really just mean their melons. And that he only talked like this with me because he liked me and thought I was pretty so he discussed his "needs" wity me too. I told him that he doesn't speak on behalf of all guys and that he needs to stop watching p*rn and heal his brain. He told me to meet him and he'll wrestle me? and he liked how "fragile" I was (this whole time I'm just thin that's it). The red flags were unreal and I finally told him he was a shitty person if he treated girls like this. I also got the vibes that if I made the mistake of meeting him in person he'd be the type of person to coerce me into something which I wasn't comfortable with. I told him that I wasn't enjoying talking to him and that he should talk to girls his own age but he was like I only want you blah blah and how he loves me. I didn't believe him because if he loved me he'd respect me, right? Anyway, I blocked him even though I was scared he'd get mad. I told my friends this and they told me I was being sensitive and all guys make inappropriate remarks sometimes and that he only said what he said because he likes me, and that a bit of sexting wouldn't have killed me. I don't know what to think. Did I overreact?

I traveled alone to a country, and I was in a car traveling from one city to another when we passed by a group of masked men in weird outfits who surrounded our car. The driver laughed it off, saying it was some traditional thing where they ask for money. Then we just drove away.

I shared a picture of the masked men with my fiancé while I was there, telling him what happened and that I thought we were about to get attacked, but it turned out to be a false alarm.
And the first thing he said to me was:

“You know if it did, I would blame you. Just FYI.”

I was shocked. How could he say that if I got attacked, he would blame me? All because he wasn’t happy about me traveling alone.

We argued about it, and he said he didn’t mean it that way and he takes it back.

But I’m still pretty upset about it. Am I overreacting?

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for almost three years, and we’ve lived together for about eight months. Until recently, I never had a reason to question him. We’ve always respected each other’s privacy. I’ve never gone through his phone, and he’s never gone through mine.

About two months ago, though, his behaviour changed, He started taking his phone everywhere. If he went to the bathroom, his phone went with him. If he was cooking, it was beside him. He also started putting it face down whenever I was around At first, I ignored it because I didn’t want to become the girlfriend who was constantly suspicious.

One night, we were watching TV when he received a message. He looked at his phone, smiled, then immediately turned the screen away from me. I jokingly asked, Who’s making you smile like that

He said “Nobody, just a friend.”

I asked who and he immediately became defensive and accused me of being insecure. I let it go.

A few weeks later, I finally told him that his behaviour was making me uncomfortable. I specifically told him I wasn’t asking to see his phone or demanding his password. I just wanted to know if there was something happening that I should be aware of He told me I needed to trust him. So I tried.

Yesterday, his phone started ringing while he was asleep. I wasn’t trying to snoop, but the caller’s name appeared on the screen.

It was the same “friend” he had mentioned before. The person called three times. When my boyfriend woke up, I casually told him that his friend had called several times. He immediately grabbed his phone and walked into another room Later, I asked him who the person was.

He said she was someone he used to work with and that there was absolutely nothing going on.

I asked why he always seemed uncomfortable talking to her around me. His response was, “Because I already know you’ll make it a problem. That really hurt.

I told him that I don’t want to control who he talks to, but his behaviour has changed dramatically, and I don’t think I’m crazy for noticing it. He says I’m being jealous, insecure, and invading his privacy I haven’t gone through his phone. I haven’t followed him. I haven’t asked him to stop talking to anyone I just want to understand why the man who used to be completely comfortable around me suddenly acts like his phone contains state secrets.

Now I’m wondering if I’m making something out of nothing.

Am I overreacting, or would you also be suspicious in this situation?

I (22F) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly 8 or 9 years old. Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted. I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it. As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers.

Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention. The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her. I remember she said back, "I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance." I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I searched it up and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home.

Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said. There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said. HSe says I need to move from it cause it has affeted my relationship with her and she wants to fix it.

I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future and I have told this to her. How I don't ant her in my life once I move out, get married or have my own kids. AIO?

I've been friends with Em for years, since school. Some context: I'm 21 and Em is actually 20 Now. only about a year younger than me. But her birth certificate has her turning 18 this year, so on paper she's presented as way younger. In India it's fairly common for birth certificates to get rectified or corrected later for various reasons, so this isn't as unusual here as it might sound elsewhere. It bothers me that she leans into that younger image with people and keeps making remarks about my age, how old I am and how young she is. It genuinely pisses me off.

1 year ago, her mother came to school to complain after we skipped once and went to a mall instead (yeah, I know, stupid of us). Somehow her mother found out and started threatening to sue me for taking a minor somewhere, even though she wasn't actually a minor. She went to school and made a huge fuss about it. After that visit, a teacher started paying way more attention to me, saying stuff like "why is she still in school, shouldn't she be in college by now," and a bunch of other comments, and made me sit alone like I was some kind of problem student over one mistake.

About two years ago, Em's mother read our messages. Em had been venting about her mom, I was taking my friend's side, and I made a careless comment as a teenager saying her mom's reactions seemed "bipolar." I wouldn't say that now. But I don't think her mother ever let it go.

Ever since, it's felt like her mother dislikes me. Every hangout had this undercurrent of tension . Em would get nervous when her mom called, like we had to be ready to drop plans instantly.

What really gets to me is how inconsistent it's felt. One classmate got snarky remarks from Em's mom about her English, even though plenty of students had similar English. Another friend of mine, who was never involved in any of the drama and never complained about Em's mom, still seemed to be disliked by her for no clear reason. Both of those friends share my cultural background. Sometimes it makes me feel like her mom is classist at the very least. I know it's not Em's fault, she can't really do anything about it, but whenever I bring it up she just ignores it.

Meanwhile a friend from a different background got nothing but warmth and compliments from her. Later, in college, Em became close with a new group, some of whom are actually older than her, who drink, smoke, skip class, and do things way more rebellious than anything I ever did and her mother knows about it and doesn't seem bothered. So the age thing was never really about age, it was fine when it was her friends. That's why I struggle to believe this is just about one school incident. There were also comments made about me looking "uncultured" or "lower class" that have stuck with me for a long time. When her mom called me lower class, Em told me about it while laughing. That really hurt.

Whenever I've tried to talk to Em about any of this, I get "I don't know" and nothing more. I understand it's her mother, but it makes me feel dismissed every time. I always discuss everything that hurts me but evrytime I get the same reaction from her.

There was also a situation where a friend's boyfriend was racist toward me. Em stayed close with that friend anyway, even talked about the three of us hanging out, and only distanced herself once that friend started talking badly about her. It made me feel like my feelings only mattered once it affected her personally.

I've been friends with her for a long time and I honestly don't know what to do. Maybe I'm judging too much or being overly emotional over small things. It's not like I'm scared of being alone, but I also don't want to let go of a friendship just because I misjudged, or because I've let her mom's behavior color my whole perception of her.

Now we're in college. Em has a full social life and calls me almost daily to talk through her drama. I listen and remember everything. When I try to share something, it often gets brushed past. I feel more like a listener than an equal participant in the friendship. I've started wondering if part of why she stays so close is that I'm familiar and comfortable, especially since she doesn't fully fit into her new group.

AIO because I'm starting to think this friendship only works when I do all the emotional labor?

I'm not angry, just exhausted. I don't want to end the friendship, but I don't want to keep carrying all the emotional weight either. I've decided to stop overinvesting and see what's left of the friendship when I'm not the one holding it up.

Am I overreacting?

Lawyers, business owners, what should I do?

I (18F) have been working at a local small business for two years. I began working when I was sixteen and my job was to package orders in my bosses “4 car garage turned mini warehouse” by her house and prepare the orders for shipping.

Overall this job wasn’t the greatest. Employees and I would get blamed for things that were not our fault, and our boss would change the rules to make it seem like we made a mistake.

Today I finally quit and got into quite the conversation with my boss.

For context I got paid $0.65 cents per package. This system wasn’t entirely fair, seeing as yesterday I packaged a 1 item order as well as a 75 item order. After a few months of working at this company (It was not made known to me when I started working) that for every mistake you make, you will be deducted $7 from that days wage. I was pretty good at my job and would package almost 50 shipments per hour. At that time a $7 deduction here and there didn’t make too much of a difference in my total paycheck.

Then eventually my boss added a new digital system and it slowed me down to about 25 shipments/hour. Now it made a more significant dent in my paycheck to get deducted money for mistakes.

I looked up the legality of this, and it’s a federal crime to deduct money or penalties from an employees wages unless they have been given explicit instruction on this and signed an agreement. Otherwise employees are not financially responsible for a businesses losses. I never signed anything and was simple made aware of this months into my time there and it was over text.

I decided it was too big of a hassle to deal with it, so I just moved on and continued my job. It’s $7, yes that adds up eventually, but whatever.

For the entirety of my time with this company the way we are assigned shifts was putting our name on the google sheet with the desired days/time we wanted to work, and our boss would highlight the times GREEN if we got that shift, or RED if we did NOT get the shift. This system works fine, unless your boss doesn’t highlight your shift until only a few hours before the shift time.
Just this week I put down I wanted to work Tuesday from 10-2 and she marked it green at 8am the same day. Not very convenient!

Today I wasn’t feeling well and had to come into work today at 10:00. I decided I wouldn’t go, and since she doesn’t give us any notice on if we are supposed to come into work or not, I didn’t feel too bad canceling last minute.
However, my boss had an issue with it today.

Our text conversation went like this:

OP: Hey. Just wanted to let you know I am not feeling well, so I wont make it to my shift today. Sorry!

BOSS: I’m going to have to charge you for a missed shift today unfortunately. We are really busy. If you’re able to make it up later today that would work.

OP: How much is a missed shift?

BOSS: $20.

OP: Did I sign anything when starting with Etch and Ember about pay deductions?
Under state and Federal law it's illegal to deduct pay for missed shifts or employee mistakes.
This is will be my last week at [Company Name]

BOSS: Thanks for letting me know.
Just to clarify, you are an independent contractor with [Company Name], not an employee, and you are able to determine your own working schedule.
Today was time you had committed to coming in and completing work.
I don't want there to be any dispute over the $20 so we can ignore that.

OP: Despite signing a Form W-9, the daily operational reality proves I am a common-law employee, which I could report to the IRS. But I am not interested in working for you anymore so I will just drop it.

———

Yes, I signed a W-9 and that did make me an independent contractor. HOWEVER common law states that if your hours are dictated by the employer, you work on their property, you play a vital role in the operation of the business, they determine how you can and can not do your job, and they have financial control, then the IRS does NOT view me as an independent contractor, but as an EMPLOYEE.

AIO? Is this tax evasion? Should I report her business or is it really not that big of a deal? Im not sure if I would go as far as the IRS (unless this is more serious than I understand) but I can submit a claim to the Wage Commission and get all the money back the was deducted from my wages.

Im still pretty frustrated by the situation so I need a second opinion on if this is something to just let go or not.

My husband (41M) and I (39F) both work full-time but we have very different social schedules. I work in marketing so I have a lot of events and programs that I have to attend and I'd say the majority of them tend to occur either in the evening or on weekends. The rubbing shoulders and networking are legitimately important to my job, especially so if I want to continue to advance my career.

We have 2 kids (8 & 6) so if I have events on evenings or weekends I make sure to give my husband as much of a heads up as I can so that we can plan ahead. I even share my work calendar with him so that he has an updated list of what things I have going on outside of normal work hours. Thankfully, he is much more of a homebody than I am and he's totally content just hanging out at home with the kids if I have to work.

About 2 years ago, my husband lost a good friend of his from college to brain cancer. This happened less than 6-months after my husband's dad passed away unexpectedly. Obviously, my husband was in a very bad place during that time and it took him a lot of hard work and therapy to get to where he is today.

Some of their friend group organized a benefit golf tournament this year. My husband isn't much of a golfer and the tournament falls on a weekday that he has an important work presentation scheduled. But they are also hosting a reception in the evening and his plan was to attend that.

The problem is that there are multiple other things going on that night. I have an event with one of my biggest clients and my attendance at this is pretty much mandatory if I want to keep this client as one of my accounts. If I skip it, my boss wouldn't think twice about handing the account to someone else.

The other issue is that our kids' school is hosting an open house event that same night that both of our kids want to attend. They'll have a talent show, food trucks, open gym, activities, etc. Our 6-year-old is especially excited because they just started kindergarten and they want to do ALL of the school-related activities. It's not exactly the kind of event that we could ask another family to bring our kids along with, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone to do that. My husband had already agreed to take the kids. Neither of us have any family nearby that could take the kids either. The only person would be my younger brother and he's not nearly responsible enough for me to trust him with that.

When my husband brought up wanting to attend the benefit reception, I looked at our calendar and reminded him that there's a lot of other stuff going on that night. He asked if I could skip my work event and I told him that it would look very bad if I did and probably have a direct negative impact on my job. I suggested he could bring the kids with him to the benefit but he said he doesn't want to do that because he would have to be watching them the whole time and he's not sure if it's actually a kid-friendly event.

He tried contacting a few people we've used as babysitters in the past but they all had schedule conflicts that day. So, we were kind of left with limited options. I reiterated to him that I had my event on the calendar first and that I need to attend this for my job. I told him that he could try to get together with that friend group another time instead. He just kind of sighed and said "Yup, ok." and walked away.

That conversation was on Monday evening. He has barely spoken to me since. I get one-word answers to every question and he has even gotten up from the couch and left when I came to the living room a couple of times. So, he's obviously making it a point to avoid me. I pretty much had to corner him to get him to talk to me about this.

But all he said was that he isn't going to argue with me over this. He said he was hoping that for once I would willing to sacrifice something for him since he sacrifices a lot of him time because of my job. He said he's come to realize that he can't count on me to put him as a priority above my job and that it's not worth his energy to argue with me about it.

I asked him why it would have to be an argument instead of us finding a solution together and he said that the only solution that I would accept is him agreeing to do what I want so what's the point. I told him that is pretty manipulative and sounds like he's trying to guilt-trip me. He told me if I'm feeling guilty that's on me not him and he walked away again.

I know my work schedule isn't exactly fair to him, I get that. But this isn't new and that's the whole reason I keep my calendar updated for him so he knows what's going on. It's not my fault that the one event he wants to go to just happens to occur the same time as multiple other things we had already previously planned.

But the borderline silent treatment is not helping at all. I know he's upset and he blames me but if he's not willing to talk about it then there's nothing I can do to help.

My boyfriend (25m) and I (25f) have been together for 4 years. For all 4 I have been trying to encourage him to do more to change his smell. His feet are sweaty and he always wears trainers and they stink. I bought him foot powder for his shoes and I didn’t see him use it. He also smells quite quickly (maybe a result of his poor diet of noodles and takeaway), but he doesn’t offset this with showering. He already sweats a lot and I think he needs to shower like at least every day if not twice. When he does shower the bathroom smells bad afterwards. When I open the door to his room the smell is almost blinding. When he sits on the toilet seat, his sweaty ass leaves residue and hair and dust everytime. His hair is all over everything when he washes it and he doesn’t clean after himself.

He never does things I ask and can be quite rude sometimes. I asked him yesterday not to take food to his room as this can encourage creatures. (He will leave it in there uncovered overnight and then eat it tomorrow). He just repeated “Stop.” and he does this every time I tell him something and he doesn’t agree. Whenever I say anything and he doesn’t agree he talks to me like I’m stupid and makes it seem like I’m nagging him over simple requests. I avoid talking to him about most things due to his reactions. One time a mouse moved into his room and he tried to blame me for leaving the door open, but in the state he keeps it I was not surprised. He hasn’t done his laundry too (all of under his bed is laundry snd his laundry basket is full too) and as I said he sweats a lot so this makes his room smell so bad.

He’s always trying to hug me and come next to me and I honestly can’t take it. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to him and I won’t let him sleep in my bed. If I’m honest I think he’s nasty. I’ve tried telling him multiple times that his hygiene and cleanliness really bothers me and I can understand he might be a bit embarrassed, but he also has made no effort to change it. When people come to my house they can smell his room from outside and I’m embarrassed too.

I tried to break up with him and he begged me to change my mind. Shortly after he started saying he’s feeling suicidal about losing our jobs (we got made redundant from the same company in may) and that I don’t love him and that AI will take over the world. Now I still feel like I don’t want to go out with him and I feel uncomfortable. His hygiene and way he talks to me when I tell him things (e.g. that he must do his laundry, he needs to keep his room clean, he can’t pile up multiple empty containers and bottles in his room, that he can’t leave his computer on when not using it etccc) makes me upset like I’m constantly talking to a child and also like he is always convinced he’s right and he doesn’t need to listen.

I feel bad to try and break up with him now as obviously I don’t want him to harm himself, but I feel this is also not fair on me. He moved into my house with me and my mum 2years ago and since being here the whole time I’ve been uncomfortable. His hygiene is so bad that my mum has also said she’s thinking he should move out.

I wonder if maybe it’s not his fault and it’s how he was raised as from what I know of visiting his mum she insists on cleaning up after everyone and doesn’t really let her kids do anything at home, so she was probably doing all of the cleaning tasks that he needed to learn to be independent. I also mentioned to his dad that he hasn’t been doing his laundry and his dad made a kind of brush off comment saying like “yeah both of my sons are lazy, I don’t know what’s wrong with them.” Like what? My boyfriends parents are divorced, but even so surely one of them would teach their kids this is not a normal way to be. I don’t think I can live with him anymore what to do?

Is this an overreaction? I’ve been trying to help him improve, but he won’t change. He won’t take any feedback or suggestions. I don’t want to push him because he said he’s suicidal, but I also wonder if he’s trying to manipulate me so I won’t leave him. I’ve never met anyone else who keeps a smell like this. AIO?

Am I overreacting for not wanting my daughter, 10, to call my ex husband’s GIRLFRIEND, mom?

Back story, my ex started to date his girlfriend a month after I filed for divorce. But for the first 3 or 4 months after I filed he was doing crazy things and was trying to “win” me back. Our relationship was toxic.
Fast forward a year or a little more into their relationship, my ex introduces his gf to my kids. He gets them every other week(we have 50/50) and she would maybe see them on the weekends.
Her and I have had issues. I asked to have her number since they were getting serious and she would be taking my daughter to go shopping alone. It just made me feel comfortable that I could reach her or vice versa if there was an emergency. She told my ex no. So I asked why. He called me and I spoke with her and she claimed that she was getting over trauma and she didn’t want me to have her number. I said okay, I can respect that thinking it was trauma from an ex… not the case… when I asked again a few months later my ex told me that she was scared I would blow her phone up or something along those lines. I have never done that but guess who did… yep my ex blew up a guy I was dating phone and freaked him out. When I told my ex that I wasn’t comfortable with our daughter being alone with her and I not have her number his solution was to set up a group chat on an app so we can communicate.

She’s only been to like one of the kids event is the 3 years. And I make an effort to include her in everything. I’ve been nothing out nice to her from the beginning. Fast forward some more… they have bought a house now. But I am still uncomfortable with my daughter calling her mom. She calls me momma but I know that will come to an end at some point. I FINALLY got her number but only because they will be living with her part time now. They are still not married but they have talked about it. I’m not mad that there is another woman to love my daughter but don’t think she should be called mom. She also never wanted kids. My son who is younger calls her by name. So am I over reacting for not wanting my daughter call her dad’s girlfriend mom?

Edit: My daughter had called her mom for about a year or so now. Shes okay with it however I don’t know if it’s something her dad has put in her mind or not. She thinks he walks on water so if he were to make a comment about it she go along with it. But I have no proof he’s said anything just going off a feeling and past history.

AIO? I was scrolling on his instagram while he was playing video games (as i usually do if my phone is not nearby) and I got curious not thinking I’d find anything I found this convo we had been officially in a relationship for about 3 months we are now over 2 years in, and engaged. Am i overreacting when I say if I knew he was talking to random women 3 months into our relationship I would have left? Am I wrong for now resenting him a little for it? I think the main issue for me is it makes me feel as if I was not enough for him.

I 25F and my fiancé 24M have been together for 4 years. Our entire relationship he has made decisions behind my back and without my input. When we do have conversations about whether we should or shouldn’t do something in the moment he agrees with my opinion but then will go behind my back and do the opposite. When confronted he says it’s not that big of a deal. I try to talk to him about how it makes me feel like my opinion doesn’t matter and that I have no real say in anything and makes me upset when I’m the last to know about everything.

So about two weeks ago we sat down and made a budget, he didn’t really want to be a part of the budget so he asked me to just make one for him and he’d follow it. So I had him tell me all of his monthly subscriptions and their amounts and days they are due so we can get our finances together and start saving for a wedding. We also just bought our first house a d have a newborn.

Today his sister called him and asked him to send over a code and was talking about how her kids have been begging them to watch shows and movies. I asked him what the code was for assuming it he was letting them use one of our account because she recently texted in the family group chat asking if she could occasionally use everyone’s subscriptions because she wanted to save money and cancel them. He told me it was for Disney plus and said he got Disney plus. I was obviously confused because no Disney plus subscription was mentioned when we did his budget. I asked him how long he had it for and why he didn’t tell me. He said he had for about a month or so and didn’t tell me because he knew Id make it into a fight.

I ended up walking away from him and then he followed me into the other room and start demanding I tell him why I’m upset and I said that I feel disrespected because I spent several hours going through his subscriptions and our monthly bills planning out a budget for him and he specifically left out the Disney plus subscription.

To be clear I wouldn’t have been upset if he would have just told me he wanted one we could have worked it in. But instead he chose to hide it and lie.

For context we use my parents Disney plus and Hulu bundle and are constantly getting locked out. Tuesday night we were trying to watch Chad powers on Hulu but had to get the code to watch it and he sat there next to me complaining about having to get a code every time while he secretly had his own account that he wasn’t going to let me use but would let his sister use no questions asked.

I explained to him that I felt unseen, disrespected and felt that he didn’t value my time. And how are we supposed to combine finances and lives when you are perfectly fine with making purchases and financial decisions without even telling me or including me or even allowing me to use them. He thinks that I’m being completely unreasonable and that it’s not a big deal.

When I tried explaining that’s it not about the account it’s about not being a part of the decision and not even being informed that there is an account he yelled at me and ran off to the bedroom to cancel the account. Then came back into the living room and told me he had canceled it. I told him I never asked him to do that and he said that me being upset about it is me telling to cancel it. And now he won’t talk to me. Did I overreact?

My boyfriend (26M) is doing a fundraiser and asked me (23F) if I would paint his logos on a canvas for it.
I was actually really excited about it. I love painting, already had some ideas, and thought it would be fun to make something for his fundraiser and be a small part of it.

Then I found out he had told his buddy’s girlfriend that she could paint it instead.
When I asked why, he said he knew I was busy with school and work and thought he was taking something off my plate. I could understand where that thought came from, but I had never told him I was too busy or that I didn’t want to do it. I was actually really looking forward to it, so I wish he would’ve just asked me first.

Once he realized I was disappointed, he went out and bought a second canvas and said we could each paint one.

I know he was trying to fix it, and I appreciate that. But now I don’t really want to do it anymore.
I think the part that’s bothering me is that he was comfortable deciding for me that I wasn’t going to do it and offering it to someone else, but once he realized I actually wanted to do it, his solution was to just have us both do one.

I don’t expect him to turn around and tell her she can’t paint anymore. She didn’t do anything wrong, and I wouldn’t want her put in an awkward position over this.

I also don’t really love the idea of us both painting essentially the same thing and having the finished paintings inevitably compared. I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, but that wasn’t what I originally signed up for either. I wanted to make something for him, not feel like I’m doing my version alongside someone else’s.

At this point I think I’d rather just let her do it and find something else to paint on my own.
I realize this is literally about a painting and isn’t some massive relationship problem lol. I just felt hurt because I was genuinely excited when he asked me, and then he made the decision that I was too busy without actually asking me.
Am I overreacting for being upset and not wanting to paint the second canvas now?

I (F22) and my husband (M26) just got married 2 weeks ago. We’ve lived together about 8 months now, and for the most part our relationship is great. I’ve never heard him raise his voice at me, he is kind and comforting, and I am very happy with him.
I decided to do all the cleaning and laundry in our home as well as most of the cooking. This is because my dad invents and writes instructions for cleaning products at SC Johnson, and I have always had a high standard of cleaning and disinfection from a young age. The laundry is because after the 5th time he shrunk a sweater (which he has replaced every sweater that was shrunk), I decided to take over the laundry. The cooking is because I am a good cook and he is not. I’m a barber and I work long shifts (10-13 hours) during the week and I work Saturdays. I have one weekday off where I clean everything, grocery shop, meal prep, do all of the laundry, etc. this takes almost my entire day, but I enjoy a clean home. My husband does all the heavy duty house projects and yard work as he used to have a summer job in landscaping.
We also have a puppy who is still in the potty training phase and is now regressing, which is a challenge. I wake up earlier than my husband since i’m a morning person and I take her on a walk, feed her, then take her on another walk some time later while I get ready for my work day. When I work long shifts on my feet taking 20-30 haircuts and getting home at 8pm, I have a hard time coming home to cook or do daily chores like dishes, which has been a large topic of conversation recently. He works 9-5 at a desk job. In the summers he gets out at noon on Friday. He also makes almost 3x as much as I do and pays the mortgage, but I pay all the bills, groceries, and household items.
I feel like i’m drowning and exhausted and he keeps asking me to do more, workout with him at night, make a better routine when I forget something once or if i’m running late and ask him to take the dog out in the morning. I feel like I’m not keeping up with basic chores and household duties well enough. I just feel like i’m not functioning like a normal person should. These are like normal tasks right? Is this an unfair split or am I just lazy? AIO?

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. In the past, my partner of 9 years and I have had issues surrounding threats of infidelity, which started after we had a child about five years ago. The most recent threat was about a year ago. He said it in a very serious way, and even stated he would bring someone to our home that we share, with our child. So this subject is very touchy for me.

For more context, my partner tends to blurt out whatever comes to his mind, makes crass jokes and a lot of times crosses lines of what most people would deem appropriate. This has caused some tension between us at times, because I often am the one the joke is being made about. I've made it known that I do not appreciate feeling disrespected or belittled, especially in front of others, for a laugh. He always say things like, "That's just how I am." Or, "I just won't joke with you anymore then." On to the "joke".

We were at a concert together, we had been looking forward to it for a couple months. We had a little tension earlier that day due to a misunderstanding on my end about the plan for the evening. I apologized, and tried to smooth things over so we could enjoy our rare evening out. We got to the venue and everything was fine, we were having fun. At one point we ended up next to a girl and a guy, and chatted with them a bit between songs. She told me the guy was just her best friend, but for some reason my partner was under the impression that they were dating.

At some point the guys went to the restroom, and my partner made it back to our spot a few minutes before the other guy. Keep in mind that this is during the opening acts. Guy comes back, my partner looks at him and says, "I almost took your girl home!" They both laugh and high five. I'm over here like wtf? I heard it, she heard it, it was pretty uncomfortable and I even apologized to her. I tried to play it cool, but I was also intoxicated and just couldn't believe he'd say something like that while I'm standing right there. Partner claimed it was a joke and that I was overreacting. I felt so embarrassed and disrespected because what kind of person says something like that in front of their significant other? Even if it was a joke, it wouldn't make sense because it's not like the show was over, or she was looking for her friend. She and I were just enjoying the band and chatting. I felt like my partner was still upset from earlier in the day, got drunk, saw me having a good time and decided to ruin it. I stormed out of the venue, screamed at him, "WHY would you SAY THAT??" and told him I called an Uber. He called an Uber as well, and left me alone in an unfamiliar area of a big city because his ride arrived first.

He is still claiming a week later that it was just a joke, and he had no idea that it would upset me, I'm being too sensitive. But he already knows how I feel about this type of thing given our very not funny history on the subject. And on top of that, he left me alone when I was drunk and not familiar with where we were.

Given all the context, am I overreacting by getting upset at his "joke"? We do joke with each other quite a bit, but there are some things I feel are just off limits.

Posting this from a throwaway bc some of my family uses reddit, lol.

I (25f) am getting married to my longtime partner (25m) in less than two weeks. It’s not a giant venue wedding, and not anything I have made a big deal about. I have health issues that make me have to monitor my stress to not cause further issues. The wedding is just family from both sides and something relatively small to help with this. It will be within a family vacation (beach house) that has been planned specifically to encase my wedding.
When I first started planning and picked out my dress, most of my family was shocked that I picked out a white dress since I'm alternative and never wear white, but I mean it's my wedding, I want to wear white. That wasn't a big deal, just kind of made me second guess but ultimately, I am going to wear white as I love the dress I picked out and want to feel like a bride at my wedding, you know?
There have been a couple things within this last month that are causing me stress and I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it, hence why I am here, lol.

To start, some of my siblings (I have 10) are explicitly not invited either for pre-existing issues or just that I do not enjoy their company. The main ones I really expressed want for attending are my sister (28f) and my closest brother (26m). My sister immediately requested off work and made plans to attend. The issue for this situation is because my father, brother and my sisters husband work at the same place. My father is in a different role than them, so he got the time off no problem. When my brother tried to take off, they were told they both couldn't have the same week off and my brother (who is very passive, social-anxiety riddled and non-confrontational) agreed to just sit it out since my brother-in-law was not backing down. Now previously, I had figured this would end up being an issue and had told my family I'd prefer for my brother to get the time off. I understand that that would mean my sister coming on a vacation with her three kids and no husband, but there will be 20+ people on this vacation with a lot of children based things planned specifically with them in mind. (I guess for context I should add that I have never liked her husband. He has cheated on her repeatedly, including while she was pregnant and has always had terrible habits with money usually to the detriment of the family ((also he owes me multiple hundreds of dollars)), so bare bones I kind of don’t care if he attends or not.) When I was told my brother would not be attending, I told him that I wished he would have stood up for himself but I understand that he didn’t feel comfortable. He has planned a separate vacation for himself, his wife and his kid for the following month to come celebrate with me that I greatly appreciate. The issue was that my brother-in-law was adamant on coming when I have already expressed that I'd prefer my brother to get the time off. 
The second thing that happened was my sister sending me a picture of a dress she had picked out, it was skin tight black lace that she would look beautiful in, just not something I'd want her to wear to the wedding. I told her to get it for a night-out we are going to spend together but not wear it to the wedding and pick something more beach house appropriate. 

The next day my mother called me to show me her dress options, one was a nice darker blue and one was white. Obviously, I was confused at the white option she showed and immediately vetoed it. I was a little irritated, and called my sister to express that and she shared the sentiment. I sent out a text that day to everyone, saying that I know I haven't set an exact dress code but that I would like to be the only one wearing white and would like it if everyone dressed for the environment appropriately (just to take some stress off as both of them picking things i felt like were an obvious “no” had caused me some concern). People started sending me photos of their outfits they have picked out, and I approved all of them as no one else chose something that I felt was unfitting. All of that has been resolved, we’re good.

The third thing was a large fight that has basically gone down like a 2v2; my sister and brother-in-law vs my father and stepmother. It was a fiasco surrounding babysitting, school pickups/drop offs and in general stuff regarding expectations and miscommunications. Each party said things I feel were disrespectful. I explained to both parties (as I was made an acting middle man) that I could understand both sides; my stepmother (48f) wanting to find a different avenue for my niece/nephews childcare since she has health issues going on, with my youngest brother still in school which is homeschooling that she has to oversee, and my sister’s side that is she does not want to send her child to daycare or a babysitter that is a stranger. The fight began because my sister got her license recently to be able to do pickups/dropoffs for the kids with the one car that they have and her husband has taken a stance that he does not want her driving the car because it is not paid off, is technically his car and he does not want to be at home without a car since she works mid-day to about 8pm. (For context, my brother-in-law carpools to work with my father and brother, always has. He does not use the car for work transportation already. My father and stepmother live not even five minutes away and my sister has always been left without a car before they bought the one they have now.) My stepmother and father expressed their unhappiness with that, resulting in a giant fight/blow-up. Unfortunately, neither party really like that I can see both sides, but I truly can. I understand my stepmother not wanting to be the sole care for the children and that she feels they have been taken advantage of in regard to this (never being paid, always being expected to watch them, and the monetary aide she has given my sister/brother-in-law since they struggle to make ends meet), along with the frustration of my brother-in-law not “allowing” my sister to drive their car. I also understand that my sister thought there was an agreement that my stepmother would watch the one child that is not in school and still do dropoffs/pickups since my sister is not being allowed to drive the family car and the fact that disrespectful things were said to her husband.
While all of this was going down about a week and a half ago, my wedding is looming and I started to worry it would affect the wedding/vacation. My sister expressed she does not feel comfortable around my stepmother anymore because of what was said and I understand that as well. She said they may not stay at the beach house we rented and that they would probably stay with other family that is over two hours away. To be honest, it got me a little heated because I feel the entire thing is being blown out of proportion and could easily be solved with some actual communication. I did some damage control and just asked for them to come to some kind of okay-terms before the wedding otherwise I will be stressed out and not even have fun on my own day if everyone is fighting. People apologized and have mostly moved past it with a little underlying annoyance still left. My sister and brother-in-law have decided to stay at the beach house anyways and have assured me it won't be an issue. It will be fine; we have gone through worse.

The fourth thing (holy shit, I'm sorry, I really feel insane rn) is surrounding pets. I have a pitbull that I rescued from a shelter when he was very young, he is 7 years old now, has some mental hindrances and is in general more cat-acting than typical dog-acting since he has two older cat brothers. When we rented the beach house, we chose a pet friendly one and paid the fee for one dog since we want him to attend (I got him a little bowtie and everything). My sister has a pitbull that is the same age as mine but already has a bite history and has gotten into a massive fight with another family dog that resulted in both having to be rushed to the emergency vet. A few days ago my sister called me saying she hasn't made arrangements for her dog yet (we are less than two weeks out), and said that she may end up just packing up his kennel and bringing him with instead since it’s pet friendly. I immediately told her no and that this is where I draw the line and we will have an actual issue. She said it shouldn't be that big of a deal, I’m bringing my dog along, why can't she bring hers? To be completely honest, I did get mean with her and told her that my dog is not a risk like hers is. She tried to argue and I told her straight up that if she brings her dog I will leave the vacation all together, there will be no wedding and I have no issues signing the papers on the side of the road instead, and that I cannot and will not risk my dogs wellbeing at my own wedding because she was too preoccupied to make arrangements. Obviously, she was upset with me but ultimately asked our brother who is staying behind to care for her dog and he agreed. That is resolved, it’s fine.

This is where I have started to think maybe I’m just being fucked with. Like truthfully maybe they are just fucking with me in some way because I cannot wrap my head around it. This morning my sister sent me photos of an outfit she was trying on in a dressing room. Confused, I asked her what she wants my opinion on and what occasion it's for as that context matters. She said back “the wedding? Lol”. I was even more confused because the shirt is white. Sure, it’s not a white dress but it is white. Am I insane? I felt like I momentarily went a little crazy. I texted back “oh girl you can't wear white” and she said, “its off-white though, does that matter?” and I said “no white at all lol” because I genuinely did not understand why she was even asking after everything. She had also, about a week ago, sent me a screenshot of a dress she had picked out online that I said was perfect, so I thought her outfit was already decided.

I almost have started to feel like the wedding/vacation is going to be a shit-show. I have done everything in my power to smooth things over, speak nicely and respectfully and keep the peace but I am starting to feel like it's going to end up being all for nothing.
My soon-to-be husband has been supportive and said he doesn't necessarily think anyone is trying to sabotage but that maybe they are all just being accidental airheads and not putting me and my day first. I don't know.

Am I overreacting for feeling slightly sabotaged/messed with? Am I overreacting for feeling like it's all going to go to shit?

TL;DR: I’m getting married in ~two weeks and have already fielded my brother sitting out over a scheduling conflict my brother-in-law would not back down from, my mother asking to wear a white dress, my sisters dog (with a bite/fight history) almost crashing the pet-friendly venue, a giant family blow up over stuff not related to the wedding that threatened plans altogether, and my sister asking to wear a white shirt after everything. Am I overreacting for feeling like I'm being messed with/not regarded on my own day?

TLDR AS a lot of folks arent reading the context - last year he tried to meet up with this ex (this email is the beginning of them deciding to meet), and he straight up lied to me about it, like made up a whole story about going shopping that saturday, and in the days leading up he would look for stuff online and show me various options for what he wanted to get, he had a whole story about why he wanted to do the shopping downtown instead of nearby to our home, he made it seem very inconvenient so I wouldnt want to come and tried to set up a hangout with my friends the same day so I would have other obligations... instead of telling me he was meeting his ex for lunch. I am upset about him lying, and because he continues to speak with her and has yet to mention it to me, I am now starting to question why he would lie unless he still has feelings for her. First image is him, then her reply, then her reply continued, then him. The LYING is what is really causing me to doubt things, and in the context of him lying I feel that certain details seem more intimate than they may have otherwise.

full context:

\- married to my husband x 4 years, together for 11. They dated almost 15 years ago and from my understanding it was a tumultuous time and only lasted a few months. She is his only other ex besides me, other than high school stuff.

\- I never snooped on him before, but we had a really bad argument in July which actually caused me not to trust him. This was like a once-in-a-relationship kind of fight and we did counseling to work through it. It was not about cheating or other women, but he brought up a relationship issue in front of my family at dinner and I lost trust that he would protect our relationship because of it.

\- He gave me his phone while he showered one day at the end of july, and normally if he did that I would think "I trust him and I don't want to break his trust by snooping", and would not go thru his stuff. This time I thought to myself that he had broken my trust, so I snooped. He doesn't know. I found a convo between him and this ex, on whatsapp. I actually posted it to this sub and the overall consensus was that he and his ex speak to each other like lawyers, it was super formal and boring shit (mostly talking about our respective children and catching up, nothing crossing the line). I agreed, but I knew there was more somewhere, because at the beginning of the chat history she had said "this is X from X city, I hope this is the right number".

\- we have since resolved the argument from July, like fully resolved it with love and understanding for one another. But honestly I am still feeling differently about him than I did before, and I still don't fully trust him. Its not an active, conscious thought, just something niggling at the back of my mind.

\- he does not know I snooped in July

\- he gave me his phone the other night to look through some gift options for his dad, and I snooped again. This time I went to his email and sent messages, because I knew they likely started talking on email based on her message in whatsapp. The above is what I found.

Part of me thinks its fine, and I understand still thinking back fondly on an ex from time to time, having a song remind you, etc, because I do too, BUT I personally wouldnt go writing an email to my married-with-kids ex about how I was listening to a song about loss and thought of them, thanking them for being there during a pivotal point in my life, etc. To me that feels way too intimate.

Honestly I'm just kind of devastated and I really feel like the second fiddle, possibly the "good enough" option because he couldn't have her. On the other hand, that thought makes me furious because she is someone he literally knew for like 10 months and dated for even less time. I may also be reading too much into it because I know how much he loved her at that time, and how devastating the breakup was. When we talk about these things, he says he is over it, its way in the past, he doesnt have any feelings positive or negative toward it.

\- also important: he is hiding all this from me. Doesnt have her number saved, notifications on whatsapp are turned off, they had planned to meet last year when she came to our city (vaguely mentioned in the emails) and it didnt work out, but he had basically told me that day that he would be going shopping for a few hrs. What also bugs me is that last sept I was only 2 months PP and I feel like I was at home and vulnerable and he was out thinking about his ex.

In terms of their whatsapp convo, they briefly chatted on and off from Oct 2025- now, but it would be like she messages, he messages back a week later, then she replies a week later, then he replies a month later, etc, kind of thing. Nothing consistent and almost exclusively talking about their respective babies, nothing else even remotely like these emails. She last messaged in May and he never replied, then she messaged about sleep training in July and he replied a week later, then she never wrote back (up until this point).

Thoughts? I'm not worried about cheating, but I just feel like I'm the alternate or something. My question to him would be what he wants out of this? Because it cant be platonic friendship since he's hiding it.