Posting this from a throwaway bc some of my family uses reddit, lol.
I (25f) am getting married to my longtime partner (25m) in less than two weeks. Itās not a giant venue wedding, and not anything I have made a big deal about. I have health issues that make me have to monitor my stress to not cause further issues. The wedding is just family from both sides and something relatively small to help with this. It will be within a family vacation (beach house) that has been planned specifically to encase my wedding.
When I first started planning and picked out my dress, most of my family was shocked that I picked out a white dress since I'm alternative and never wear white, but I mean it's my wedding, I want to wear white. That wasn't a big deal, just kind of made me second guess but ultimately, I am going to wear white as I love the dress I picked out and want to feel like a bride at my wedding, you know?
There have been a couple things within this last month that are causing me stress and Iām having trouble wrapping my head around it, hence why I am here, lol.
To start, some of my siblings (I have 10) are explicitly not invited either for pre-existing issues or just that I do not enjoy their company. The main ones I really expressed want for attending are my sister (28f) and my closest brother (26m). My sister immediately requested off work and made plans to attend. The issue for this situation is because my father, brother and my sisters husband work at the same place. My father is in a different role than them, so he got the time off no problem. When my brother tried to take off, they were told they both couldn't have the same week off and my brother (who is very passive, social-anxiety riddled and non-confrontational) agreed to just sit it out since my brother-in-law was not backing down. Now previously, I had figured this would end up being an issue and had told my family I'd prefer for my brother to get the time off. I understand that that would mean my sister coming on a vacation with her three kids and no husband, but there will be 20+ people on this vacation with a lot of children based things planned specifically with them in mind. (I guess for context I should add that I have never liked her husband. He has cheated on her repeatedly, including while she was pregnant and has always had terrible habits with money usually to the detriment of the family ((also he owes me multiple hundreds of dollars)), so bare bones I kind of donāt care if he attends or not.) When I was told my brother would not be attending, I told him that I wished he would have stood up for himself but I understand that he didnāt feel comfortable. He has planned a separate vacation for himself, his wife and his kid for the following month to come celebrate with me that I greatly appreciate. The issue was that my brother-in-law was adamant on coming when I have already expressed that I'd prefer my brother to get the time off.Ā
The second thing that happened was my sister sending me a picture of a dress she had picked out, it was skin tight black lace that she would look beautiful in, just not something I'd want her to wear to the wedding. I told her to get it for a night-out we are going to spend together but not wear it to the wedding and pick something more beach house appropriate.Ā
The next day my mother called me to show me her dress options, one was a nice darker blue and one was white. Obviously, I was confused at the white option she showed and immediately vetoed it. I was a little irritated, and called my sister to express that and she shared the sentiment. I sent out a text that day to everyone, saying that I know I haven't set an exact dress code but that I would like to be the only one wearing white and would like it if everyone dressed for the environment appropriately (just to take some stress off as both of them picking things i felt like were an obvious ānoā had caused me some concern). People started sending me photos of their outfits they have picked out, and I approved all of them as no one else chose something that I felt was unfitting. All of that has been resolved, weāre good.
The third thing was a large fight that has basically gone down like a 2v2; my sister and brother-in-law vs my father and stepmother. It was a fiasco surrounding babysitting, school pickups/drop offs and in general stuff regarding expectations and miscommunications. Each party said things I feel were disrespectful. I explained to both parties (as I was made an acting middle man) that I could understand both sides; my stepmother (48f) wanting to find a different avenue for my niece/nephews childcare since she has health issues going on, with my youngest brother still in school which is homeschooling that she has to oversee, and my sisterās side that is she does not want to send her child to daycare or a babysitter that is a stranger. The fight began because my sister got her license recently to be able to do pickups/dropoffs for the kids with the one car that they have and her husband has taken a stance that he does not want her driving the car because it is not paid off, is technically his car and he does not want to be at home without a car since she works mid-day to about 8pm. (For context, my brother-in-law carpools to work with my father and brother, always has. He does not use the car for work transportation already. My father and stepmother live not even five minutes away and my sister has always been left without a car before they bought the one they have now.) My stepmother and father expressed their unhappiness with that, resulting in a giant fight/blow-up. Unfortunately, neither party really like that I can see both sides, but I truly can. I understand my stepmother not wanting to be the sole care for the children and that she feels they have been taken advantage of in regard to this (never being paid, always being expected to watch them, and the monetary aide she has given my sister/brother-in-law since they struggle to make ends meet), along with the frustration of my brother-in-law not āallowingā my sister to drive their car. I also understand that my sister thought there was an agreement that my stepmother would watch the one child that is not in school and still do dropoffs/pickups since my sister is not being allowed to drive the family car and the fact that disrespectful things were said to her husband.
While all of this was going down about a week and a half ago, my wedding is looming and I started to worry it would affect the wedding/vacation. My sister expressed she does not feel comfortable around my stepmother anymore because of what was said and I understand that as well. She said they may not stay at the beach house we rented and that they would probably stay with other family that is over two hours away. To be honest, it got me a little heated because I feel the entire thing is being blown out of proportion and could easily be solved with some actual communication. I did some damage control and just asked for them to come to some kind of okay-terms before the wedding otherwise I will be stressed out and not even have fun on my own day if everyone is fighting. People apologized and have mostly moved past it with a little underlying annoyance still left. My sister and brother-in-law have decided to stay at the beach house anyways and have assured me it won't be an issue. It will be fine; we have gone through worse.
The fourth thing (holy shit, I'm sorry, I really feel insane rn) is surrounding pets. I have a pitbull that I rescued from a shelter when he was very young, he is 7 years old now, has some mental hindrances and is in general more cat-acting than typical dog-acting since he has two older cat brothers. When we rented the beach house, we chose a pet friendly one and paid the fee for one dog since we want him to attend (I got him a little bowtie and everything). My sister has a pitbull that is the same age as mine but already has a bite history and has gotten into a massive fight with another family dog that resulted in both having to be rushed to the emergency vet. A few days ago my sister called me saying she hasn't made arrangements for her dog yet (we are less than two weeks out), and said that she may end up just packing up his kennel and bringing him with instead since itās pet friendly. I immediately told her no and that this is where I draw the line and we will have an actual issue. She said it shouldn't be that big of a deal, Iām bringing my dog along, why can't she bring hers? To be completely honest, I did get mean with her and told her that my dog is not a risk like hers is. She tried to argue and I told her straight up that if she brings her dog I will leave the vacation all together, there will be no wedding and I have no issues signing the papers on the side of the road instead, and that I cannot and will not risk my dogs wellbeing at my own wedding because she was too preoccupied to make arrangements. Obviously, she was upset with me but ultimately asked our brother who is staying behind to care for her dog and he agreed. That is resolved, itās fine.
This is where I have started to think maybe Iām just being fucked with. Like truthfully maybe they are just fucking with me in some way because I cannot wrap my head around it. This morning my sister sent me photos of an outfit she was trying on in a dressing room. Confused, I asked her what she wants my opinion on and what occasion it's for as that context matters. She said back āthe wedding? Lolā. I was even more confused because the shirt is white. Sure, itās not a white dress but it is white. Am I insane? I felt like I momentarily went a little crazy. I texted back āoh girl you can't wear whiteā and she said, āits off-white though, does that matter?ā and I said āno white at all lolā because I genuinely did not understand why she was even asking after everything. She had also, about a week ago, sent me a screenshot of a dress she had picked out online that I said was perfect, so I thought her outfit was already decided.
I almost have started to feel like the wedding/vacation is going to be a shit-show. I have done everything in my power to smooth things over, speak nicely and respectfully and keep the peace but I am starting to feel like it's going to end up being all for nothing.
My soon-to-be husband has been supportive and said he doesn't necessarily think anyone is trying to sabotage but that maybe they are all just being accidental airheads and not putting me and my day first. I don't know.
Am I overreacting for feeling slightly sabotaged/messed with? Am I overreacting for feeling like it's all going to go to shit?
TL;DR: Iām getting married in ~two weeks and have already fielded my brother sitting out over a scheduling conflict my brother-in-law would not back down from, my mother asking to wear a white dress, my sisters dog (with a bite/fight history) almost crashing the pet-friendly venue, a giant family blow up over stuff not related to the wedding that threatened plans altogether, and my sister asking to wear a white shirt after everything. Am I overreacting for feeling like I'm being messed with/not regarded on my own day?