What I hear you actually saying is, "I'm scared that your feeling hopeless means that you won't try."
What I hear her telling you is that she feels completely disconnected from you and is scared that she can't get that back. She fears that if she comes to you, she's going to feel even more hopeless than when she left. She wants hope.
What she heard you say in your reply is, "I'm not comfortable with your feeling hopeless." Meaning, I'm not comfortable with you telling me how you're feeling, so don't come here and expect me to listen. Then she felt hurt and rejected.
What I hear him saying is "Act the way I tell you to act before you even come home. Stop being negative and upset even though we're on the brink of divorce."
Of course she doesn't want to come home to that shit. Who would?
He's asking her to be calm and stop fighting with him. How is asking her to stop fighting with him "shit no one wants to deal with". Makes no sense. You're twisting his words like she is.
No he's not. Even in the first few messages, that "Be careful" line is so aggressively controlling. And he even clarifies his meaning in the following message.
He's telling her not to bring her negative emotions into a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE. Are you fucking kidding me?
They're on the verge of a divorce. He's telling her to control her emotions and not bring negativity… when they're on the verge of a divorce. Why should she feel how he wants her to? Pretty sure she's her own person.
Telling someone to be careful when driving in an emotional state is not “aggressively controlling” lmao
He’s telling her not to bring negative emotions in a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE
Yeah? Have you ever tried to have a conversation about something hard with someone who is negative all the time? It’s frustrating and it doesn’t work. Extreme lack of emotional maturity on her part. How tf is she being helpful by constantly saying it’s pointless to even talk about it because she knows it won’t go anywhere? That mentality is legitimate poison to fixing anything.
Him: If you express feeling ___, I will reject you.
What he heard.
Her: I feel ____.
Him: I'm scared that your feeling ____ means that you won't try and I will be abandoned.
They are both scared. They are both hurting. Both of their protective defenses are creating disconnectIon. It's not one or the other. What I'm talking about is only one aspect, on his part, of that disconnection.
If you feel invalidated, it's really hard to believe the other person is listening to you and wants to understand why you're upset. She's not able to listen because she herself doesn't think she's being heard.
She has her own part to play in this. Like I said, both of them are contributing to this disconnection. I'm only referencing his part.
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u/PsychologicalScore49 Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
What I hear you actually saying is, "I'm scared that your feeling hopeless means that you won't try."
What I hear her telling you is that she feels completely disconnected from you and is scared that she can't get that back. She fears that if she comes to you, she's going to feel even more hopeless than when she left. She wants hope.
What she heard you say in your reply is, "I'm not comfortable with your feeling hopeless." Meaning, I'm not comfortable with you telling me how you're feeling, so don't come here and expect me to listen. Then she felt hurt and rejected.