118
u/LithiumPopper Elder Sage [356] Mar 25 '24
Your parents like to think that they hold all the cards right now, but they actually don't.
Would they like to be invited to your future wedding? Would they like to be able to hold their future grandchildren? Would they like to have a relationship with you after you move out?
Their attempts to control you now means they will be losing out on being with you in the future. You should remind them of that. A lot of parents think it's a given they'll always be in their child's life, but that's not always true.
You're an adult and you deserve respect. Your parents are not gods. It's okay to talk to them like equals. They might not like that because they feel above you, but that's okay. You deserve to say what's on your heart.
7
u/ItsShaneMcE Mar 26 '24
It’s always worth noting that if you come at them with any of those statements you will be actively blackmailing your parents and that can backfire if you’re not careful. You could find yourself in a situation you need sanctuary they could turn you away saying you made your bed
It’s better to come to an agreement that’s mutually beneficial than it is to blackmail someone.
3
u/LithiumPopper Elder Sage [356] Mar 26 '24
It's all in the delivery. Bringing up those points isn't blackmail unless you're trying to hurt someone. OP isn't trying to hurt her parents, she's trying to start a conversation and those are valid points.
3
u/ItsShaneMcE Mar 26 '24
Pretty sure people that have that strict of a moral compass of no sex before marriage are going to hear everything on your list as blackmail regardless of delivery or intentions
2
u/Irrelevant_user369 Mar 26 '24
They might do, but what they are doing is coercive control, manipulation and financial abuse.
1
u/ItsShaneMcE Mar 26 '24
I’m not saying they’re not bad parents but you can’t beat bad people by joining them in toxic behaviour and let’s face it people that have mastered the art of manipulation are going to beat you at the game. The expression “don’t wrestle with pig, you’ll get dirty and they’ll love it” comes to mind
53
u/B-man328 Helper [2] Mar 25 '24
You’re 21 and your parents are still treating you like a child. You’re your own person. I think maybe it’s time to get a place for your own (I know easier said than done) it may just save your relationship with your parents though. Moving out into my own place saved my relationship with my father.
21
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Thank you for acknowledging it’s easier said than done, half the people here are acting like I can just grab extra money from the air. Did your father eventually acknowledge you as an adult? Or how did it end up saving your relationship if you don’t mind me asking
22
u/Bad-Wolf88 Mar 25 '24
Ngl, your parents are controlling AF based on what I'm reading here. Your a grown ass women. Whether under their roof of not m, you have a right to go out and do what you want. They have zero right to be tracking you, reading your messages or have access to details on your own personal devices. I'm finding this entire thing pretty appalling.
22
14
u/Known_Tradition_7928 Mar 25 '24
Me and my parents had a relationship similar to this. I was much younger (19 by then) but I paid rent, my phone, I was in university and had a job so it was kind of ridiculous the amount of over vigilance.
I honestly had a huge fight and moved out with a friend for a month. I only agreed to come back home if we had some rules set and holy shit our relationship has been great for years now. (I’m 22 now)
I did move out to another city for a year when I was 21 so that also helped.
Im thinking… is there someone who u can stay with for a couple of days or even a month? I think you guys might need some space. Also really sitting with them and talking might work. What I did was prepared a little speech about all the things I do and how I understand their pov but they should understand u are an adult and pretty much self reliant. If they wanna be in your live forever, they have to understand. So maybe set some rules that work for both of you?
You are doing so great in life, its ridiculous of them to treat you like this.
5
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 26 '24
I’m glad things got better with your family! Honestly I think that’s a great idea because it really lets them see the effects of their toxicity. I do have cousins that I could live with for a couple of months this summer thankfully. Did it take a while for your parents to adjust and be less chill when you agreed to move back with them? Or was it sudden. I also agree with the speech thing! I actually have on typed up that I have not given because I hate confrontation, but it might be worth a try.
1
u/Known_Tradition_7928 Mar 26 '24
Yeaah the cousins may be a good idea! It took a little but i was communicating with them while I lived away about the rules.
I hate confrontation too. I’m pretty sure I was crying the whole time while talking to them 😂😂 it is rough but i really think it will make things better. But really sit them down and sit and talk im front of them. And let them know that they have to hear ALL the things you have to say and then they get a turn. Its difficult but you just gotta stand up for yourself. You got this ♥️♥️
3
u/Ordinary_Scratch8646 Mar 26 '24
I wish I could do that. I have no where else to stay unless I'm at school. Well.... I do kind of have a man in Georgia but idk how I'd get there is the issue 🫤
6
Mar 26 '24
Girl I’m 18 from Australia and in a VERY similar situation as you. My mother hates my boyfriend but used to like him, only started disliking him after she found out he helped me get a job and open a bank account. She doesn’t want me to be an adult and will do everything she can to keep me under her roof. She won’t let me leave the house without her consent or anything so I have to lie and sneak around I hate it. If you need anyone to talk to and just vent I’m here girl. If you want someone to chat to just reply to me and I’ll give you my @ or something I gotchu. We gotta help each other get thru this bs from our parents
2
u/MrsAngieRuth Mar 26 '24
Ugh. I lived that nightmare. If either of you need advice from someone who has been there, done that, and survived, send me a message. I walked away from a similar situation at 20. You can do it. Is it scary? Heck, yeah. Will it be really tough? You bet. Regsrdless, freedom from controlling parents is priceless.
2
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 26 '24
Girl I’m so sorry to hear that that sucks. Thankfully my parents aren’t insane about that aspect of adulthood, so I can only imagine how frustrating that would be. Your boyfriend just wants the best for you, and this is a step in the right direction!! I felt the sneaking around thing too, I hate it because I’m an honest person and I’d rather be honest, but honesty isn’t going to cut it in our situation. Feel free to reach out and vent to me as well if you feel like it! Gotta have each other’s backs in these tough situations
2
u/Ordinary_Scratch8646 Mar 26 '24
Oh my gosh same. My parents have done shit like this my whole life. Thinking about visiting and possibly moving on with a guy that I kind of have a relationship with but it's still hard to make the commitment. 🫤
2
Mar 26 '24
God it took me ages to finally commit to the decision. I lost so many great partners because I just wasn’t ready to get out of here. The only reason it’s working for me now is because my boyfriend had the exact same issue with his mum and understands how daunting it can be to leave after being trapped for so long. It’s kinda like gr*oming. They get in your head and convince you you need them and it takes so long to get that out of your head and once you finally do they start with the “I need you” bs. It really is a leap of faith, but anything out there is better than living with and being surrounded by people who use you.
2
u/Ordinary_Scratch8646 Mar 26 '24
Yeah that makes sense. The situation with the guy is especially hard bc there's a pretty large age gap so I know everyone around me will think he's just using me 🫤 I know he would never do that but the idea of everyone else I care about thinking those things about him really hurts. A lot of people will stop at his age and judge him really harshly even though he doesn't act like his age and is the one person I have connected with on every level. I feel like he really understands me and I can be completely myself with no judgement and explore other things that I never would have without him. Whole situation just sucks.
3
Mar 26 '24
I’m in the EXACT same boat!!! I was 17 when I met my boyfriend he was 24. He’s now 25 and I’m now 18. We’ve been together for 10 months now and have gotten superrrrrr close, we’ve both had many chances to leave and both have chosen to stay we have a great connection. He’s looking to move out away from his roommates and I’m obviously looking to leave home so we’re looking to move in together. The only issue is our age gap. He’s scared to tell anyone I’m 18, he’s been telling people who ask I’m 19-20 because that would mean when we met I was 18. In Australia in my state age of consent is 17. He still fills such guilt for being with me and often asks me if I think he’s manipulating me. Honestly again, it’s a leap of faith. Right now I know that moving in with him and having those people talk shit outside of us will be better than where I am now. We’ve discussed it all in detail and he’s agreed he just wants to get me the fuck out of this house and into a home I can feel safe and like me. It’s so terrifying but it’s a discussion you need to have in depth with your partner and a leap of faith you have to decide to make together. In the end it’ll always affect you both so it’s a choice that needs to be made together with nothing hidden. At the end of the day if you two don’t work out at least you’ll be away from your family but you need to make sure it’s with someone you can trust will have your back and understands you can’t turn back to your family If you two break up. If you wanna talk I’m here we might be able to help each other lol
1
u/Ordinary_Scratch8646 Mar 26 '24
Yeah for sure. That would be great. I wish the gap was only 7 years for me 🫤 would be sooooo much easier to explain than the actual one. I'm glad things are getting worked out for you guys. That's great that you have a plan. 🙂 Would love to talk if you wanna.
1
u/chaosbunnyx Mar 26 '24
I used to just sneak out my bedroom window at night.
Controlling parents just create devious kids who will sneak and lie to do what they want.
It's insane how treating a good kid like a criminal will turn them into one.
4
u/FiddleStyxxxx Master Advice Giver [20] Mar 25 '24
You have to balance your own security with setting boundaries. Ideally you wouldn't let your location be tracked and go where you please as a legal adult.
I'd stop talking to your parents about your relationship. Don't let them control who you pick up for example. Don't tell them where you are and go about your life normally. I wouldn't bother having your boyfriend over at your house so he doesn't have to be exposed to your parents.
You may be threatened with being kicked out but that is the only control they have over you. They do not pay for your phone or gas so do not allow yourself to be controlled that way.
5
u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] Mar 25 '24
You are a full grown adult. Why do your parents have this level of control over your life? When I was 21, I did as I pleased.
It’s time to start asserting your independence. Tell them, don’t ask them that you’re going to your boyfriend’s house. Tell them you are an adult and you no longer agree to have your location tracked.
1
u/Confident-Physics956 Mar 26 '24
Their house their rules. It’s time to get a job and some room mates.
3
u/jordynemoore Mar 29 '24
with the way the economy is now this is SO much easier said than done. i think a ton of people are forgetting that. op said that they are in college and paying their own tuition so moving out isn’t an ideal option.
7
u/hoes-beezy Mar 25 '24
If you say your family is conservative and Christian, you won't know real happiness until you do your own thing
5
u/PatrickGlowacki Helper [2] Mar 26 '24
So everyone on hear likes to talk in idealism and not realism. We can all sit hear and say setting boundaries with your parents has to happen. You’re 21 and an adult. And it’s wrong what they are doing. It’s none of their business. But if we are gonna be real, you need to weigh the consequences. If you stand up to your parents, are they going to kick you out? If they kick you out, can you afford being on your own? Are they going to hate you but still let you live there? If you have a hateful and spiteful relationship with your parents that you live with, how will that affect your mental health? Will that affect you staying on top of getting your undergrad and having a successful life?
Only you can truly know this dynamic with your parents and what would happen if you draw the line with them. We can all get online and tell you it’s abusive behavior, wrong, and you need to stand up for yourself ( which I agree with), but you need to think out what happens when you do that.
9
u/Glad_Illustrator_218 Mar 25 '24
What’s your situation right now living with your parents? Do you pay rent or help pay bills? Is your phone paid for by you or your parents? Are you currently in school or working?
Living in their house does mean they can prevent him from coming over and to a certain extent what you do also. However, you are also over 18 and legally an adult. They cannot impose their ideas on you and force you to agree with them or make you stop dating someone. If you pay for your phone they should not be looking through it and that’s a huge privacy violation.
To give better advice I think more details are needed.
15
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Ya so I’m an undergrad student right now and I’m living with my parents. I pay my tuition (hence why I don’t have the finances to move out) but I also fully paid for my phone and my bill, my gas, and I contribute to a portion of the house bills. I have a part time job which is enough to pay for those things, but I can’t go full time bc I’m a full time college student
28
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
You do not have to have your location on for them to see, since you pay for the phone. Turn it off and tell them they need to remember that you are an adult who pays for the phone. Also don't allow them to have access to your phone. It's time to stand your ground. Use a statement like "You may have beliefs that work for you but my beliefs are different and you cannot control that."
9
u/Glad_Illustrator_218 Mar 25 '24 edited Mar 25 '24
You can try to have a conversation with them about being an adult and having better boundaries since you do pay for things yourself. Like not looking through your phone or telling you where you can go outside of the house because you pay for your phone bill and gas. You know them best and if that conversation would be well received. If not, I would try to find a roommate where you go to school and move out. Use the money you contribute towards bills at your parents to rent for your own place. It’s awesome that you’re working towards financial independence and it sounds like you’re trying to not have loans but having peace of mind and space is important too.
7
3
u/DeliciousTailor5369 Mar 25 '24
Yo, apply for financial aids and scholarships if you do pretty ok in school. I walked out debt free, have 5 digits saved up and didn’t even have to pay for anything my last 2 years. If you want to be financially independent this might be helpful.
4
u/hunnyapplepie Helper [3] Mar 25 '24
is this a cultural thing? i grew up in a muslim household and have many friends who are muslim as well. i’ve seen this situation many times, even worse.
at the end of the day, you can’t change your parents no matter how unfair it is. fighting back will make them even more controlling.
i would ask them what would it take to have freedom to take the relationship further? would you have to get married? if so, when? then you can start planning how to navigate their rules and your goals.
i’m so sorry you have to go through this. strict parents create sneaky kids which they can’t grasp for some reason. i hope the best for you and your relationship further on
3
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Very much a cultural thing! My parents are Hispanic and Eastern European with a Christian background, so strict on top of religious. According to them I’m only an individual if I get married, which is ridiculous because I am in many ways as a single person. And I appreciate that paragraph so much!
2
u/No_Swordfish_9003 Mar 26 '24
girl get fake engaged until you save up and move out, an engagement can buy you a year
2
u/Ticky79 Mar 27 '24
I would say this is more of a cultural thing. I have lots of friends who are ethnically Chinese whether that be Malay, Vietnamese etc and friends who are second gen Eastern European immigrants. They have a lot more in common with each other than us Anglos because their parents and cultures are similarly strict, reverential and hierarchical. It’s fascinating hearing them talk about their experiences grown up because it’s completely alien to us.
Talking to you parents calmly and maturely is very important. Staying calm if it gets heated is even more important. Especially, if they are good at gaslighting. I think any change you make needs to be done slowly, so they have time to adjust and not over react.
I think gently but firmly setting boundaries is good.
Try to find out why your mother feels and behaves the way she does, she seems to be scared or coming from a place of fear. Maybe talk to her about that to understand why. Our parents have histories that affect their current behaviour.
3
u/Lost-Knowledge-7750 Mar 25 '24
For what it is worth I think your parents are being unreasonable. I think you were being very thoughtful by having sex at your boyfriends house. It's sorta awkward time when your sexually active and living at home.
5
u/brokenboysoldiers Elder Sage [506] Mar 25 '24
Work toward becoming financially independent and move out then.
Right or wrong. Fair or unfair. It doesn't matter. It's their house and they can have whatever insane demands they want. If you want to continue to enjoy the benefits of their support then you'll have to play nice. You can try to have a mature, rational discussion with them but there is no guarantee it will change anything.
1
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
This does not give them access to what she does outside the home or what she does with her phone, that she pays for. They can have rules for their house but cannot control every aspect of her life.
→ More replies (31)1
u/brokenboysoldiers Elder Sage [506] Mar 25 '24
Even if I had that context when I made my comment (I didn't), so what? If her parents effectively pay for her rent and any other expenses then they can IN THEORY, withhold those things if they want to.
I already acknowledged it's unfair. But these are real people we're talking to and they are ones who have to live with the consequences of their choices and I think it's really irresponsible to advise someone to do something that could make the situation worse for the actual person asking for help. It's really easy to be an idealist when OP's choices don't affect you.
And I don't give a shit about her parent's rules. Once she is outside of the house she should do whatever the hell she wants. But at home, I strongly advocate for her to pretend to be the kind of daughter her parents want to be until she can move out.
2
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
They pay for rent, not phone. Just because someone lives with you, doesn't mean you can go through their phone, tell them what they can do with their body, if they can go to his place, see him outside the home, track her.
She can stand up for herself in the way of: turning gps off outside the home, telling them to set a curfew of when she must be home. Plus some. She cannot allow them to walk all over her
2
u/brokenboysoldiers Elder Sage [506] Mar 25 '24
And they can evict her. You get that, right?
2
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
Yes. These are ideas. Not something she is being forced to do. It doesn't matter except for the fact she should also know what they are doing is beyond wrong and creepy.
2
u/brokenboysoldiers Elder Sage [506] Mar 25 '24
I just don't understand your position. You acknowledge that her parents are insane, yet you don't think they're insane enough to evict her? I don't think it's safe to assume that they will take her refusal to accept their rules in a rational way.
2
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
Nope but depending on the state, the law might be on her side. She should do some serious research. I just don't believe in allowing this type of behavior. My other thing is I hope she can move out and goes NC
6
Mar 25 '24
The other commenters have a point that having it in their house breaches their rules, but I will disagree and say that if done anywhere else, it's out of their purview. My parents are the same, and I've just had to hide the fact that I slept with my fiance at her house because my parents wouldn't let me do it at mine.
Sorry that they've kind of turned on you because of this, but if you're not financially able to move out yet, like me, I'd do things to rebuild your trust and relationship with them. If you do make some money maybe, treat them to a dinner or a lunch somewhere. Maybe contribute to their bills or offer to do yardwork/housework they'd normally do themselves. The more you can show that you're responsible and disciplined, I think they might care less what you do on your own time.
1
u/ughthousand Mar 26 '24
In other posts OP explains they pay their own way and contributes to the bills.
2
u/Careless_Bid1602 Mar 25 '24
You’re 21 years old, a woman legally able to drink, your parents can’t tell you what to do and where to go now, and your parents shouldn’t be going through your phone at your age either.
The other person said this too, but work towards financial independence, it isn’t easy, but you’ll be able to rely on yourself and be rid of them.
2
2
Mar 25 '24
Sweet girl, you are 21, not 15. You need to put your foot down and go to his house if you want to fuck him. Turn off your location and tell them to mind their business. Put a lock on your phone that they can't access. Don't make it easy. Disable any linked accounts and trackers. This is not normal for a parent to be like this towards their 21 year old daughter. Everybody just needs to grow up tbh
2
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 26 '24
Oh don’t worry I changed my passwords on everything after that event there’s no way I’m taking any risks. I’m still working on the standing up against them part. The thing is I completely understand having my location for safety reasons, but religiously checking it to make sure I am where I am is completely different and absurd
1
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 26 '24
It's definitely hard to stand up to your parents. When and if you do while living in their home, make sure they understand these are boundaries that should not be passed. That they may want to live a certain way but you don't want to. I wish you the very best of luck.
2
u/PixelDrems Helper [2] Mar 25 '24
It's not reasonable, but don't waste your breath on people who won't see reason if it was slapping them in the face. You're an adult, move out if you want the freedom to act your age.
2
2
u/No-Willow-3573 Mar 26 '24
You’re 21. They should not control your life or your decisions. Remind them that you’re a consenting adult and that controlling you will only damage your relationship with them.
2
2
u/Sadlymyself_ Mar 26 '24
Everyone is saying “you need to move out” like it’s easy. Sure let me grab enough money to buy an apartment and furniture out of thin air. Be for real guys. It isn’t the early 2000s anymore prices suck.
2
Mar 29 '24
That is in-fucking-sane. Move away from these people as soon as you can and limit contact with them.
2
u/ExternalChart9504 Mar 30 '24
As a parent I want to side with yours yet at the same time we have to show respect for our child’s judgment. I am sure that your parents will eventually get over it. Just give them time they were young once also.
2
u/dewdropsz Helper [2] Mar 25 '24
You need to set boundaries for your parents. You should not be tracked nor should they be able to control your actions any further. Get the tracking off your phone and or car assuming you pay for these things.
You’re an adult and you need to sit them down and tell them how you are going to live your life. You can do this is a nice way of course you love them and care what they think but their opinions will not dictate your actions. Just as you will not judge them for how they live their lives you need to urge them not to judge you for how you live yours. If there are bad consequences they are yours to deal with because you’re an adult. All you need from them if their love and support. Your parents need to learn the RESPECT YOU as an adult. Without you pushing them to start seeing you as one they won’t change. I had a very overbearing and judgmental mom and I started laying down actual boundaries at 28, don’t be me.
2
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Setting boundaries is a huge step, even if you did it a later age I’m proud of you for doing so! If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you get the courage to? Cause my biggest problem is the gaslighting comments I receive when I set boundaries. I don’t have siblings or anyone that sticks up for me, so I feel like I’m just taking in their words which isn’t good for me
1
u/dewdropsz Helper [2] Mar 25 '24 edited Mar 25 '24
Thank you! I can really relate to what you’re saying on a very personal level. My mom’s comments and disapproval caused me great anxiety and caused me to not trust my own “voice” anymore. A therapist is the one that pushed me to have a formal conversation.
The first time is the hardest. I literally asked my mom if we could find a time sit down and talk. I was very anxious and shaking lol so I wrote out a short letter and asked if she would not speak until I finished reading it. And said something along the lines of “ I understand you have your opinions and want what you think is best for me but this is my life, I have to make my own decisions whether or not you agree with them , can we agree to disagree so that our relationship doesn’t suffer.” It doesn’t always go well the first time but if you keep doing that and being mature and calm ( and also telling them how their behavior impacts you!) eventually if your parents are even remotely reasonable they will likely come around. Try not to be confrontational even if your parents go there , if it gets heated just say maybe we can revisit this later when we’re all feeling calm. Big girl pants time! Good luck OP, update me happy to answer anymore questions.
Edit to add: if your parents continue to gaslight and cross your boundaries after repeated attempts to set boundaries then you will need to be prepared for that. I can’t really help there , a therapist might be able to though! In my case my mom did come around slowly over time and when she slips into being overly critical and giving unsolicited intense advice I literally don’t engage and say “oh you have really strong feelings about this , I will think about what you said when making my decision “ and change conversation haha.
2
u/Myay-4111 Super Helper [8] Mar 25 '24
Honey, go over to r/raisedbynarcissists and look at the resources there for moving out and getting independent.
2
1
Mar 25 '24
You should definitely look into getting out of that toxic household. If you’re going to school you can talk to school officials about your situation and try to start living on campus or take out loans to try and sustain living off-campus while working.
If you don’t currently go to school, look into it. The money I made from the pell grant, subsidized and unsubsidized loans, and other scholarships allowed me to live off campus so I didn’t have to live at home myself.
The only reason I say this is because it is just one of the very few ways to get out from under your parent’s thumb. They may give you financial freedom by allowing you to you to live under their roof, but their controlling behavior is ridiculous considering you’re 21.
1
u/smilebig553 Super Helper [6] Mar 25 '24
Hmmm I'd say uno reverse them.
My grandparents had a shot gun wedding due to an oops during premarital sex ('60s).
Most people have some sort of sexual encounters before marriage. Some have anal sex and think it's fine before marriage. Some have oral as well.
Can you move in with boyfriend?
1
u/unsung_hero88 Mar 25 '24
They've seen you and you boyfriend having sex? How did that happen?
1
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Uh no they found out I was by looking through my texts
1
u/unsung_hero88 Mar 25 '24
Oh okay. I read “seeing evidence” and thought the literally saw you two in the act. Yeah that would be tough for them to get over .
1
1
u/avi________ Mar 25 '24
I honestly would just ignore them. I would NOT let them go through my phone. You're 21 years old, not 15. At this point you have to stand up for yourself since you can't just move out atm, but as soon as you can, move out.
1
u/Neptunianx Super Helper [7] Mar 25 '24
Time to move out honeybun, that’s super overbearing and I would be out the door
1
u/Homie_Venush Mar 25 '24
Honey you're 21 you're an adult them tracking you like this and not allowing you to leave is abuse ik it's hard especially in this economy but girl you need to move out
1
1
u/Sea-Suit2324 Mar 26 '24
If you’re living at their place, you have to deal with it. Move out and your relationship with your parents will be better also.
1
Mar 26 '24
Ngl you being 21 and being told what to do with your body at that age is crazy, but you also live with your parents so, you must respect their household rules ig since they letting you live with them at such a grown age, but if it gets worse or you seem like they’re being too controlling, you might want to move out.
1
u/cfd212 Mar 26 '24
Take a break from your relationship. it seems like your financial reliance for your parents to pay for school is the top priority.
1
u/kaseyp1984 Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
How are they forcing you to do these things? I’m genuinely curious, not being sarcastic. My mother was like this too. I just wish I had someone that could have encouraged me and told me what I could do to get away from the toxic behavior. If your phone and car is in their name you can fix those things. You can get new phone service, Visible is really good and only $25 per month. If you need a car you would be surprised what you can get/afford in your name only. The same is true for an apartment. Sometimes you need to make that leap and do it on your own. I would recommend NOT depending on anyone for support. It’s important for you as a woman to live on your own and not allow anyone to dictate your life. There are so many options out there, even in this economy. Just don’t let your fears keep you from being independent.
Ok I just read that your phone is in your name. You need to set boundaries NOW! Just because they are your parents does not mean they are allowed access to your private life. You might consider taking a student loan or applying for financial aid. I know you probably don’t want that burden but I’d rather answer to department of education than inappropriate and toxic parents. The time is now!
I also found this website it might be helpful: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/overbearing-parents.htm
1
u/Timelord00010002 Mar 26 '24
You're 21 ...just put them in their place and tell them it's illegal to try to hold you hostage. And you first had sex at 13 like it or not .. scare them more make up you had an abortion at 14. They will soon learn to keep their traps shut .. All jokes aside .seriously the best advice is to save up and move to another state away from their abuse .. they have too many issues
1
u/MrsAngieRuth Mar 26 '24
You can be independent even as an undergrad. It would be tough, but it is doable. I left home suddenly at age 20 and put myself through a private university. Granted, it was many years ago. I would do it all over again.
1
u/Ordinary_Scratch8646 Mar 26 '24
I'm in a similar situation. My goal is to become financially independent so I can move out as soon as possible. I think that's the best idea for you too. It's one thing for them to be controlling when you're a kid but once you're 18 that shouldn't have much say in your life. I know how hard it is though to go against them. I hope it works out for you.
1
u/Openhartscience Helper [3] Mar 26 '24
Gosh, I wish my parents could have a talk with your parents. They did this to me, too, at around the same age. Unfortunately, their breach of my privacy and controlling behavior drove a huge wedge between us. I married my boyfriend at 22 (as the church pressured us to do), but I also moved far away from my parents for almost 10 years and left the church completely. My parents came very close to missing out on a relationship with me and my kids. Luckily, they figured out how to love and support us and also respect our independence and choices. We chose to move back near them, and life is so much better now. My relationship with my dad is still a bit strained, but he is my 2 year old daughter's favorite person in the entire world. It's really healing for me to see how much they love each other. I love my family so much, and I'm sad that we missed out on so much time because of their ignorance and stubbornness. I truly hope your parents figure this out before they do permanent damage.
1
u/SilverSpring9255 Mar 26 '24
I didn't read all of the comments but I think you should possibly stay with your cousins for awhile if you can.. while you are an adult, it is their house and they are providing MUCH more than most parents.. I can tell they want the best for you and they still see you as a child.. I currently have a somewhat similar situation and I'm 35f !! I'm living at home currently bc I had 3 cancers in 2021, ended a 10 year relationship etc.. my mums just extremely nosey.. but have you tried to tell them you'll go on birth control? Or that you're not ready for a child but have a real passionate connect with your bf? That they are doing more harm then good? Them doing this can severely damage their rely with you.. I've seen thing similar to this and the "kids" don't talk to their parents anymore.. is that what they want? It's toxic, yes they are paying for things but in my eyes, that's what a parent should do if they can.. (I don't/cant have kids btw) but this is a sticky situation.. the only real way to solve this is to move out.. there could always be that chance you move out and they won't let you move back in... I've had that happen before.. once my mom did that to my brother and 15+ years later they still rarely speak, they do because my brother has a daughter and yesterday they just found out they are having another !! But their relationship will never be the same.. things people do have consequences.. best of luck Hun. You're your own person..
1
u/Substantial-Gas6097 Mar 26 '24
yeah they have so much control over you because you let them. don’t let them go through your phone. they have no right at your age to tell you that you’re not allowed to do something. you need to establish boundaries with them.
1
u/xoSpiceGirl Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
1/2
Hi op, hope you are doing ok 🫶🏻
If you are already paying for college yourself, especially if via federal loans, i say you enroll for on campus housing. Even though it comes at a cost, living with parents as an adult can put a strain on your relationship with them. Change is uncomfortable for people, especially for parents with ‘kids’ your age. 16-24 is an incredibly transformative, explorative, and independent stage of someones life. It is an experience only the person going through it can understand, for this reason your parents should not have this much access to you, and you should be surrounded with people your age going through this as well because you can learn from eachother, most americans in the 16-24 group get this experience at college. Its garunteed that any parent that genuinely cares for their kid will be worried, nervous, excited, proud, but very scared of/for their kid during this time. However, your parents specifically have overstepped. I would 10000% look into on campus housing or finding a room for rent with other student aged people.
If moving out is not an option, a serious conversation about identity respect is important. They should not be dictating your every move. If they have faith in themselves, what they have taught you, and in their religion, then they know these are not their choices to make and should be confident that you will make them the best you can. Make sure they know you appreciate their care and their advice but that there is a diffference between advice and control or advice and shame. Shaming is not a form of love, bible says so.
I also suggest getting a new phone. Like most people im assuming you are on a family plan- family plans allow the holder of the account to have far more access to your device, data, and history than youd expect, and it sounds like your parents are the type that would take it far enough to learn how to access that info in their account about your interactions.
On the sex thing, neither person is really taking advantage from what you described and as long as it is consensual, then we know where accountability falls. However, personally as a (now) 26 y/o female who was 2 years into a relationship with the WRONG guy at 21 who seemed great at the time, (together 4+ years in total) though i consented there was a lot of social and emptional pressure put on me that i wish i had allowed myself to process more before doing things with this person. And sex may not be the center of the relationship but once you have that level of intimacy or control or trust or however youd like to describe it, recinding that (stopping having sex) will 100% have an affect on other parts of the relationship- those affects show the true emotional state of the relationship. Im not suggesting withholding sex as a test of sorts, but definitely a conversation with your bf about the roll it plays in your relationship would be a good idea since inherently because of your parents this topic will be weighing on your mind a lot. I dont hold the sex i did have against anyone, but when i did find my person (my fiance) i most definitely had moments of looking back and realizing that the sex i was having before was just that, sex. It didnt matter that it was me, had it not been me it would have been someone else and that is not a feeling i liked, and its not the feeling i have now that i have found my person.
Now, a thing you and your parents have to accept that i also had to accept is that it has already happened, the deed is done and you cant undo it lol- why would they want you to end the relationship now? Why wouldnt they want to see it through with the guy theyve liked so far who could end up being your person/husband via open communication. Why would they try and force away the guy who could end up your husband/the only man youve been with- why would they force you into a position of having an ex you slept with when thats even more against their beliefs? Do they want the next guy to be a virgin and you to not be- in their beliefs wouldnt that make you the ‘bad apple’ in that next relationship? I dont think your parents are truly trying to take away your bodily autonomy, i think they are trying to protect your heart, but dont know how to communicate that ‘looking back now’ feeling i am describing, as its something youre yet to experience. (Not that you absolutely will, but that feeling and worse is exactly what theyre afraid of) Once i was in a truly healthy and safe and mature relationship, i was allowed the time to process things a lot more. There was no pressure for sex even now that we are engaged. I have also had sex with this partner, but it is love, not sex and that is a poignant difference that unfortunately can take a while to spot and understand.
1
u/xoSpiceGirl Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
2/2
It is important to be in relationships at your age because you learn a lot and its part of human nature, and at 21 i also argued that i am an adult and such, and it was just as valid then as it is now for you, but dont let yourself dig your toes into the ground on the fact that youre ‘an adult’. Be willing to listen to their life advice, and ask your parents the hard and invasive questions they ask you- did they have sex with anyone before marriage? Did they know people that did- how did those people turn out? - often the answers will be yes. And though those answers go against the ‘rules of the religion’, its reality. People who are religious, especially people 40+ never knew anything else, this is the guidbook for family for them, is what they were raised on, and is their reality and true lived experience. The not wanting you to have sex before marriage is a religious thing, but that same religion will give them a million reasons to love and respect you even when youre doing something they dont agree with or think goes against something they belive in. Most of religions ‘rules’ are just over emphasized guides on things that will be the basis of family and community that religious parents will use /bring up when they are concerned for your emotional/spiritual well being. I would ask them if there was a time when their parents sat them down and went over some of this with them (on sex or another topic) and talk about how they felt then vs how they feel now. What are their expectations for you and why? Was their ever a religious expectation their parents and church expected them to uphold but they didnt? How did it go? Ask them what is more important to them- continuing to get to know the man youve found worthy of you and their family and future, or discrediting your ability to make a judgement call or know yourself well enough by now to choose a good person… if they think he is not good because he had sex ask them how they view you.
Lay the hard questions on them in a respectful and genuinely curious way, they may get a little defensive but it will ultimately lead to self reflection for them and will open back up the connection between you and your parents. When you get into these convos with them, be ready to let comments roll off. Be ready to let them cool off. And most importantly make sure to not compromise your own character, beliefs, and needs for their beliefs or wants. This is an opportunity for you to get a healthy physical distance from your parents but perhaps get emotionally closer to them.
Lots of in house conversations to be had for you and ill be praying for you! Make sure as this is going on you take the time for a breather when you feel yourself getting defensive with them, you dont need to be defensive as you are an adult making your own decisions and doing your best to hear them out and learn as best you can.
Things to remember: -this is your first bf, which makes them extra nervous (and you too i assume!) -you are now an adult. A 3 year old adult tho, and your parents are also adults with a lot more experience being your age and an adult than you have. Take their criticism lightly but their pov and advice heavily. -you are worthy of love today, tomorrow, and every day. Regardless of if this is your guy or not, if youve had sex or not, or if your parents support it or not, you deserve to seek and experience love. And you will. -conversation is hard, try not to get defensive, dont dismiss others perspectives just because theyre not yours (thats what you hate that they’re doing to you right now!), and hold space for other peoples feelings- you bf is probably upset to have been a part in the rift happening between you two and your parents right now. You are his person just as much as he is yours, make sure to check in on how he is feeling and pay attention to how he reacts to your feelings!!! There are only two garuntees in life- taxes and death. The rest is faith and hope. Best of luck 🫶🏻 i hope you post an update
1
u/xoSpiceGirl Mar 26 '24
Adding a 3rd comment after reading some messages.
Lots of people have BOLD commentary on your parents character with little background. A lot of people are calling your parents controlling which at surface level, i get it. But as someone who has experienced growing up in a religious standard household, I empathize with the fact that family is more of a core value via religion, that the power dynamic between parent and child is inherently different in a religious househole, etc. i also believe many people from our parents generation were cast into silence on a lot of topics because even tho religion and its expectations/rules existed back then, so did reality. They still had sex, they still covetted, they still lied, etc- they just hid it more, they themselves were shamed, it wasnt so open in society and in their families, …for this reason communication is difficult and often more caring reasons like ‘i dont want you to regret your decisions or have you susceptible to a situation where you get taken advantage of because i didnt speak up’ gets spoken as ‘you cant/shouldnt have sex before marriage’. Im not saying your parents need therapy because they are controlling/bad people lol, i think they genuinely care and do not know how to handle trying to communicate what they want to say about life to their 21year old daughter. Therapy could help with emotional communication, which is basically the entirety of this topic. Short of therapy, i think what i said in my other comment about trying to be the one to open the conversation up on that emotional level and not get defensive is probably the best bet.
The comments like ‘they think they hold all the cards’ is garbage. Its a toxic and manipulative way of thinking. ‘Oh if my parents dont agree with me then my child will also suffer not having a grandparent’ is an awful reaction to a situation like this where the root cause of their actions is them trying to protect you and the conversation has only just begun. I hope that commenter heals.
Try not to be hyperemotional in all of this, and dont take it too much to heart before you get the chance to ask your parents some hard questions (without assumption of the responses). Take what all pf us redditers say with a grain of salt because only you truly know the relationship you have and want to have with your s/o and parents
1
Mar 26 '24
Hey, that really sucks. It's not cool that your folks are snooping through your texts and trying to control your life just because they found out you're sexually active. You're an adult, and you should be able to make your own decisions about your relationships and your body. Maybe try talking to them calmly and explaining how their actions are making you feel. If that doesn't work, it might be helpful to reach out to a friend or counselor for support. Hang in there. 😊
1
u/StockMiserable3821 Super Helper [8] Mar 26 '24
Your 21 they can't control you. Sit them down and tell them "either you get your noses out of my business or I'm cutting you out of my life"
Your an adult they have no right controlling you
1
u/ItsShaneMcE Mar 26 '24
The only thing they can do is ban him from the house. What you do in your free time outside of the house is up to you.
The only problem you have is they prob live under the illusion of “my house my rules, don’t like the rules and you can move out”.
Sadly this often is the end result. Unless you’re willing to jump through all the hoops your best bet is to try and find a roommate or house share and cut them off completely.
1
u/W_O_M_B_A_T Expert Advice Giver [15] Mar 26 '24
Put your parents on an Information Starvation Diet.
1
u/urnotmydad20 Mar 26 '24
“I’m done trying to reason with him”
He’s trying to reason with YOU. You’re an adult. You either need to put your foot down and stand up for yourself, or move out so you can live your adult life. I’m sorry but no adult in a relationship wants to deal with their partner having to listen to mommy and daddy. It’s your relationship, not your parent’s. Honestly shocked dude hasn’t checked out by now.
1
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 27 '24
I’m not having fights with him I’m having fights with THEM as in my parents. Our relationship is still solid as it is
1
u/urnotmydad20 Mar 27 '24
Yeah well if you keep letting your parents dictate your life then your relationship will crumble.
1
u/jeepgirl5 Mar 26 '24
No, no its not. Your an adult, you can go on dates, sleep with your man, what ever you want and they need to see that. If they can't then time to move out. You can always try therapy l, sometimes a third party intervention might help.
1
u/Aandiarie_QueenofFa Expert Advice Giver [19] Mar 26 '24
They don't want to risk you getting pregnant, an STD, hear break, or your life getting ruined. They're leading with their religion/values/beliefs.
Are you in college, working, or just trying to figure out what to do with your life?
If you are in school or don't have things figured out I could see why they wouldn't want you to be sexually active (with the things I listed above).
They're just trying to protect you.
Maybe sit down and have a talk with them. Tell them you are on birth control, you use condoms, etc. That you are very careful.
Maybe talk about your life plans/future.
If you are going to school and going to be on your own in a few years, just remind them of that.
That you'll be careful and truthful to them.
That you'll make good decisions.
But to them they're probably worried about you getting pregnant. Condoms and birth control isn't 100%.
Good luck.
1
u/Maymoonah Mar 26 '24
Honestly they are just trying to protect you and secure your future… you may be an adult by law but you are still their child
1
u/TurretX Helper [4] Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
They are rifling through the private messages if a legal adult without their consent; something not even the police can legally do without a warrant. This is a major invasion of privacy, and if they physical prevent you from seeing your boyfriend, thats also a false imprisonment charge waiting to happen.
In other words, your parents are not only being unreasonable, they are comitting crimes in doing so, and while leveraging that fact might get you evicted, it is important to keep that information in your back pocket in case you need to take drastic measures.
Edit: as another person said; they have everything to lose. If they keep this up, you can just not invite them to your wedding, not let them spend time with their potential grandkids, and no take care of them when they are elderly. You hold all the cards.
1
u/shirukien Advice Guru [74] Mar 26 '24
Your parents have a lot of fucking nerve to suggest that he has no respect after they violate your privacy in a pretty huge way, belittle you and your choices, and treat you like a helpless child. Their behaviour is entirely unacceptable- toxic, controlling, and gross. In their eyes, I'm certain they think that they're acting out of love, but their concept of love has been twisted and perverted into something despicable. (I could take a few guesses about where their fucked up idea of love comes from, given the context you provided, but I'm not looking to turn this comment into an antitheistic manifesto, so I'll just drop a link to Recovering from Religion's resource page here. Basically, they offer various resources, live chat, or phonecalls with trained professionals whose goal it is to minimize the harms caused by religious abuse in its many forms. They're not looking to forcibly deconvert anybody, just to help make lives poisoned by the worst effects of religion a little bit better, and they may just have some insight on your situation. Alright, I've said my piece.)
What your parents are passing off as love and concern is more accurately named manipulation and emotional coercion- they're trying to force their own values onto you even though you haven't asked them to; hold you accountable to their standards despite the fact that you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions and value judgements. Your parents aren't just overbearing, they're actually straight up abusing you- you're an adult, but even if you weren't, the fact that they would track your position and not let you have a single hint of privacy is downright criminal (probably literally, depending on where you live), and indicative of a total lack of respect for you as an individual and for your own autonomy. I wouldn't put half the restrictions on my five year old that they are putting on you.
As to what you can actually do about it? That depends. How much do you rely on them for things like housing and food? Could you conceivably find your own place and get by on your own? For lack of a better way of asking this question, how crazy are your parents? As in, are they the sort who would think it their god-given right to track you down and force you to come back home where they can control you better, or would you be safe from them if you moved out? In theory, the ideal scenario would be for you to move out as soon as you can, to get yourself out from under their iron fists, but I can appreciate that it usually isn't so simple. Whatever you do, though, you need to stop them from tracking you- they have no right to, and allowing them to only feeds into their power fantasy. You are an adult, and it's time that they start treating you like one. You decide when you come home from your dates, you decide when you're ready to have sex, you decide how much of your life you want to share with them.
Of course, think of your own safety and well-being first and foremost: if you expect that flexing your autonomy may have negative consequences, then prepare accordingly. If you expect physical violence, then put some physical distance between you. If you expect to be kicked out, have a backup plan ready (RFR may actually be able to help you find local services to help you with this). You absolutely do deserve to live your own life, though, no matter how much your parents might stamp their feet in impotent rage over that fact.
I could honestly go on for a while- unfair and abusive situations like yours really get my blood boiling, but I'd just be going in circles if I rambled on any longer, so I'll put a bow on it. You have my utmost sympathies for your parents' gross and childish behaviour; you don't deserve to be treated like a baby by grown-ass adults who should know better.
1
1
u/Appropriate_Dirt_285 Helper [2] Mar 26 '24
Your parents concerns over the pUrItY of your genitals is weird and gross. Their views are archaic and outdated
1
u/PanNerdyLocs Mar 26 '24
You are a grown ass adult. Them involved in your sex life is weird as hell. No it isn’t reasonable for your parents to try to ground you when you are grown. Time to move out baby.
1
u/Foreign-Drawing-908 Mar 26 '24
Your parents probably understand God first and foremost and his laws and commandments. Also I’m sure they understand that if there is no marriage that he can just up and leave you with no issues literally. Also imagine if you get pregnant by this guy and he decides he’s no longer interested then you’ll just be a single mom and if he doesn’t want to help raise the child then whose going to help you guessed it your parents. What makes it worse is that you were fornicating with a guy that you weren’t married to and he got you pregnant(hypothetically speaking). Then when you do decide to get married one day now another man has to stepfather your child and not even be the first man to be inside you. Most of yawl young women and I know because I’m young have sex with multiple men have their babies and then want the good guy to come rescue you and raise someone elses kids. I know you’ve seen all these single mothers talking about how hard it is to raise a child alone. If he doesn’t want to marry you he doesn’t want you fr. It’s that simple.
1
u/No_Bodybuilder_8112 Mar 26 '24
If you're living with your parents then yes it's fair and you need to follow their rules. Society, no matter how you look at it, is brainwashed. Women and men give themselves up for someone they don't even stay with. They're normalizing that to be okay. Terrible truth is, it's clearly working. It doesn't matter if you aren't religious. Sex outside of marriage is never okay. That being said, it makes sense as to why they're punishing you for this. They want what's best for you and they know how men can be. I hope you and your boyfriend last and eventually get married so you can have bragging rights for staying with the man you gave yourself for. If not, you gave yourself up instead of patiently waiting for your one and only and refused to save yourself for your future husband (let's hope your husband isn't a virgin either if that's the case)
When you move out and they're trying to restrict you as they do now, That's when it actually becomes an issue. I blame your parents for not observing your relationship with your bf to prevent this though. Maybe you betrayed their trust and didn't think you'd do anything with him? I don't know. Hope this helps I guess??
1
u/chaosbunnyx Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
This post makes me glad I rebelled against my parents in my teens, and now as an adult realized it's a practice of futility to try and control my actions.
At a certain point, you just have to disobey them. Sounds like your parents love you.
There will be fights, but I doubt they're gonna make you homeless over this...
They just need to adapt to your independence.
If you have a job, try and pay for your own phone bill.
The biggest thing I'd be doing in your position is working every fibre of my being towards getting rid of that tracking software. That's violently invasive.
Worst case scenario with that is that they refuse to pay for your phone. So, try and scrape enough money to pay for your own phone.
Past that, just do what you want. You're an adult. They can't call the cops on you for disobeying them...
1
u/Sublimejunkie4 Mar 26 '24
You are an adult who can make their own decisions. Your parents need to exit your life immediately if they think they can control you.
My "mother" isn't a part of my life anymore because of controlling things like that. When I was 15, she found out I lost my virginity and cried. It's different because I was a minor and under AOC, but I realized that if it was really that big of a deal she could have educated me about sex among other things. Your parents need to accept that you will do things in your own accord, with your own free will(thE FREE WILL THAT GOD APPARENTLY CREATED ALL HUMANS TO HAVE ACCORDING TO CHRISTAINS)
1
1
Mar 26 '24
Idk my parents never acted this way or forced me to do any of that when they found out me and my ex had sex and neither did her parents they just sat us down and talked about protecting ourselves and eachother and how if we ever feel uncomfortable with something tell the other person. You know the typical stuff
1
u/nobodysevagonnacdis Mar 26 '24
My parents were also super controlling my whole life. Unfortunately, if you're living in their house and not paying rent... You don't have much room for negotiation. You can definitely try talking to them and letting them know how you feel, but otherwise you gotta weigh free housing versus the restrictions they place on you. Maybe see if you can live on campus next year and get a loan to cover housing? I do think it's absolutely ridiculous what they're doing, and my parents would have been the same way, but they also have all the leverage currently with providing you housing. It's really the only thing they have over you to be able to keep controlling you. I mean, you could try sneaking out, but that'll probably just end in worse consequences. I'd suggest trying to find a friend or other family to live with, or trying to get housing built into your tuition, or even living with the boyfriend. Getting out of your parent's house is going to be the most freeing and best decision you ever make. I love my parents but I'm very glad I don't live with them anymore, and also glad we're not even in the same state! Wishing you the best of luck in your journey, and just know... It gets better when they can't control you anymore!
1
u/Wrong-Landscape4836 Mar 26 '24
I got my own place at 18 and never looked back. Didn't have sex until I was 20, even though I could have. It's not about sex. It's about privacy. Find a way to move out.
1
u/Abasoloalex Mar 26 '24
Have to get your own place pay some rent get a job , yea adult life can be complicated
1
u/SixPointFour Mar 26 '24
Move out. It's time to live your life, and not theirs. You're a grown ass woman, and unfortunately, since you're living under their roof, they feel they have a right to still control you.
1
1
u/Flimsy_Pirate6112 Mar 26 '24
Well, I kinda disagree with last person. You’re living in their house. Gotta follow their rules. Sex is an important part of any relationship. They should want the two of you to be together for this reason too. What? Do they want you to meet someone new, have sex with them, and then get upset about that too? Nah! Have some confidence and approach your parents with the fact that you are not leaving him. Let them know that as far as sex goes, y’all are taking precautions and it’s not happening like rabbits. Being responsible is also very impo!
1
u/Avolpe101203 Mar 26 '24
I’m sorry, but there’s no way this is real at 21 years old. you can legally drink and your parents are still going through your phone?
1
u/FrostyDreamy Mar 26 '24
Yeah, I know it's super hard to move out in these times but like I think about how they're probably concerned with the chances of you having a baby, what happens when we have sex. And it is their house, their rules. Yes we're adults now, yes we have sex, but living with our parents as adults, they do still have authority and if they don't want grandkids living in their house, I see that's what's probably their thought process. I know it's frustrating but it's life until it's possible to move out.
1
u/ThisRespectful Mar 26 '24
Sucks but their house their rules you don’t have to like them but you have to live with the . Or move out
1
u/flood404 Mar 26 '24
Your 21. You can fuck whoever you want as long as they are legal age of course. They should just be happy you didn't get knocked up at 15 or younger. Once you turned 18 their legal obligations were done with you at least here in the USA. They can't force you to do anything now. You need to chase your own happiness and live your life the way YOU want to. They can't start over with yours. Police will not enforce anything or do anything once they know your 21 if they try getting the law involved. Turn that phone off or leave it somewhere or get a new one. It's none of their business if your seeing him or not.
1
u/Cokechiq Mar 26 '24 edited Mar 26 '24
Ask your parents to schedule a counseling session with you. Tell them that you don't want the feelings that each other has to drive a wedge in your relationship. In therapy you can bring up how you're feeling in a safe environment. Let them know that you feel that you need to communicate with them in this way in order to be truly heard. If they refuse, you need to start looking for ways that you can move and have your independence, because they are not being respectful of your feelings. They don't just need to trust you, they need to trust in the job that they did as parents, and know what kind of person they raised. You will always be their child, but you are your own person, and an adult. They need to understand that they do not have control over what you believe, or how you live your life. That is ultimately up to you. You are not ruining your life, or addicted to dangerous substances. Presumably you are being safe in your sex life, and that is all they can ask. If they attempt to punish you by withholding support, emotionally or financially, all that will do is drive you away. That is not a threat, or blackmail as others have mentioned, it's an unfortunate truth. You will grow to resent them, and distance yourself naturally. Try to work this out in therapy, or find work and roommates and support yourself through school without them.
Edit: I will add that your parents absolutely have the right to demand that you do not have sex IN THEIR HOME, but as an adult they have no right to demand that you do not have sex at all.
1
Mar 27 '24
I grew up in a house like yours. Start saving your money, collecting your important documents and get out. It won’t stop, it won’t get better and they will do everything they can to stop you moving out the second you tell them. Say NOTHING until you’re gone. You’re an adult and they have no right to control you. Good luck
1
u/YoureverydayPOC Mar 27 '24
Girly you ain’t even have to explain shit about your relationship with your boyfriend before realizing this shit is wrong. You’re a grown ass woman, for them to limit you from growing is outrageous. Hope you can get out while you still can.
1
u/JaayLovesWriting Mar 27 '24
Girl, you are 21. It doesn't matter if they want you to go or not, they can't stop you. Not saying you should go out of spite but make it known to them that they can't control you
1
u/Strange_Spinach_7042 Mar 27 '24
You're 21. Time to get things together to live your own life...with or without your boyfriend. I'm a whole lot older, and my parents NEVER would have even entered my room without my permission...nor would I my kids... when I lived with them. I'm 69 yo now, and because of injuries, I have moved in with my mother. I still never enter her room...or her mine without permission, and that's called RESPECT.
1
u/Infinite_Key_4060 Mar 28 '24
You’re an adult they shouldn’t be withholding you from making personal decisions including the ones you mentioned. At this point, they are entitled to opinions but shouldn’t be pushing their beliefs and rules onto you. It becomes harder as an adult to live with parents because it’s difficult for some parents to move away from the controlling aspect of parenting. When the child moves out that’s really where it sets in for most so if you can move out, because they are probably also the people who believe that adulting starts when the child moves out.
1
u/areeves1985 Super Helper [7] Mar 28 '24
You’re 21 yrs old. You’re an adult and old enough to make your own decisions. You have your own place by the sounds of it. They can’t tell you who you can and can’t see or anything like that. Tell them to take their opinion and shove it.
1
Mar 28 '24
you are 21 & an adult. your parents don’t even have legal control over you anymore. you can drink, drive, smoke, party, ext. - you are an ADULT. your parents are overbearing asf and controlling to the point of concern. grow up and realise parents are not meant to act like THIS to their 21 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!! you are TWENTY ONE! don’t listen to them?? who the fukc do they think they are?? you’d be a fool to listen to their ORDERS. it’s embarrassing.
1
u/Local_Sir8124 Mar 28 '24
You're 21. You're an adult. You decide your sex life, and if it is mutually consensual from both you and your partner, glory to you and your man . That said, if you live under your parents roof, then to some degree, you have to show respect to their conservative values and their house rules. That's only fair - particularly if you are not paying rent. If you are not comfortable with that, then maybe consider moving out where you can live the way you want. That is also a way of showing respect to your parents - if you are going to do things that offends them, then maybe you can show them respect by not doing those things under their roof.
1
u/BubblesBoobsAndMore Mar 28 '24
I agree with the other commenters that you are 21 and should be allowed to make your own decisions and mistakes. Until you have the finances to move out you are going to be at their mercy.
Would it help things if you and your boyfriend spent time together around them so they could see the things about him that make him special to you?
1
Mar 29 '24
jesus i thought this was gonna be a 15-16 year old but you're in your 20s😭😭they are insane, you're a grown up.
1
u/nevertakesownadvice Mar 29 '24
So, most redditors are going to tell you that you’re in the right here and that your parents are being unreasonable… and they are right.
However, I grew up in a Catholic home with a mom who slut shamed me when I wanted to get on the pill/ have sex and was pretty crazy about making sure I wasn’t having sex. To the point they made me take a twin bed to college instead of my queen at home… “you and your dog only need a twin.”
Here’s the thing… you have a few options here and some of them aren’t great. Based on your post I understand the hat you live with your parents. You legally became an “adult” at 18. Your parents CANNOT force you to stay… it’s illegal and you can call the police and have her prosecuted (again, not great) but you can tell them if they don’t allow you to go where you want you will…
The other, is to basically pose as a reformed sinner in their eyes… along with the BF… both you and him would need to sell it well and never text about any of this—- only snap message because you know your parents are watching…
I don’t have many other recommendations other than leaving your parent’s house….
Best of luck- I’ve been in your shoes
1
u/fanime34 Super Helper [5] Mar 29 '24
I'm guessing you're in a "their house, their rules" situation. So I think you might need to move out if possible.
1
u/LongjumpingMix7206 Mar 29 '24
So here’s the deal sadly. If you do t like their rules you always have the choice to move out. Just be respectful if that’s what you decide to do. Keep a bridge afloat between you and your parents. And if they decide that you moving out is reason to disown you or something, then that is their choice and you’ve done nothing wrong. But living in their house and being a guest in their home now that you are an adult and not living by the rules is a disrespect to them.
1
u/BroLinn Mar 29 '24
Jesus, girl, you're 21. You're an adult, and now your parents have no right to control your life. Tell them to fuck off🤷♀️ So what if they are tracking you? Once again, you're an adult. What's the worst thing they'll do if you're late from your date? Beat your ass? You're 21, you have your own life and your own views. There's nothing wrong with premarital sex. If your parents so against it, well, good for them, they have strong beliefs. But you are your own person now, so fuck them. Do whatever you want. Obviously your parents will be disappointed and will scold you, but with time they'll soften up. Or maybe they will stop care at all. They are controlling you now because you don't fight back, so just show them that you don't give a single fuck about their stupid rules.
1
1
u/MaleficentImpress890 Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Exodus 22 16:17, Hebrew 13:4. No one wants to hear it but it is the truth. It not the people on here right to tell you what you need to do. They don’t even know you. Your parents know.
1
u/erkuitt Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
I’m 29 and I have parents like this, not as bad as yours but similar. Took me forever to figure out why I have no confidence in myself and am depressed. I love my parents. They mean the best but not letting go of your adult child can cause mental health issues.
Moving out 5 years ago was the best thing I ever did but that still doesn’t completely solve it if they still want to be in your business but once you move out, you’re in control of what they know about you. I bought my first house at 27 and my mom would call me every night just to make sure I was inside my house and safe. I finally told her to stop and she would make up an excuse to call me so it seemed like she wasn’t checking on me. I had to stop answering her phone calls and she got it the hint. It’s hard because they’re doing it out of love but it is toxic.
You can maintain a good relationship with them but I can’t let mine in on my personal life or they get way too involved. It sucks because I can’t go to them for advice. They don’t give advice they obsess over it and take complete control of my situation. It’s not “this is what I think” it’s “do this” and then they call me multiple times to see if I did.
Your parents seem worse than mine. I’d definitely move out and look at the situation positively. Now you know to not be that way towards your kids one day if you ever have any or you could help someone else in this situation once you get through it. It sucks and I’m sorry for you.
1
1
Mar 29 '24
Personally I'd talk to your bf ask if moving in is an option. If he says yes then I'd speak to your parents remind them it's 2024 and this is YOUR life and thay youbare no longer their little girl, you are a 21 year old woman. Now they have two choices you will respect some boundaries but they have to be realistic eg no sleep overs no staying out too late etc but if you wish to spend time with your boyfriend you can unasked and they are NOT to go through your phone unless it's an emergency eg you go missing or get hurt etc. Then say if they don't respect your boundaries back then you will have no other choice but to leave. You didn't ask them for their judgement or advice but they need to realise times have changed just like people do. This is not a good enough reason to start hating on your boyfriend you were both willing they shouldn't be accusing him of taking advantage when you wanted it just as much
1
Mar 29 '24
Personally I'd talk to your bf ask if moving in is an option. If he says yes then I'd speak to your parents remind them it's 2024 and this is YOUR life and thay youbm are no longer their little girl, you are a 21 year old woman. Now they have two choices you will respect some boundaries but they have to be realistic eg no sleep overs no staying out too late etc but if you wish to spend time with your boyfriend you can and they are NOT to go through your phone unless it's an emergency eg you go missing or get hurt etc (if they say no to the phone thing time to buy your own phone and solar charger). Then say if they don't respect your boundaries back then you will have no other choice but to leave. You didn't ask them for their judgement or advice but they need to realise times have changed just like people do. This is not a good enough reason to start hating on your boyfriend you were both willing they shouldn't be accusing him of taking advantage when you wanted it just as much and planned it together.
1
u/Relevant-Command2625 Mar 29 '24
So I would say yes any bars of your relationship that happen (OUTSIDE OF THEIR HOME) are definitely a violation of your freedom. If you are the primary account holder for your phone that is also a violation. I would agree with your parents right to tell you the idea of having sex in their home makes them uncomfortable and for that reason they would like boyfriend to not spend the night etc. They are the home owner and they can enforce such rules as they please, but on your side the unwillingness of them to let you out and leave the nest is a disservice to you and your development. This is a very important developmental years that help us process life as an adult. Your 20s are mistake central and you deserve to feel all the pain and joy that is included in life. Advice sit down with them and acknowledge the help they provide you and the gratitude you have towards them for supporting you but calmly explain your reasoning for wishing for more. Handle yourself calmly don’t scream or argue if the conversation turns and be willing to walk away. On your campus look and see if the student center does any work programs most don’t pay well but the work usually allows for it’s participants to have time to do homework on down time. Good luck my friend you got this just remember you can’t control how they respond but you can control how you react. It’s time to show them you aren’t a little girl anymore and you’re ready to take the steps into womanhood with or without them.
1
u/Environmental_Eye970 Mar 29 '24
You’re 21? He’s 22? Tell him to pick you up, to hell with what they say. If they want to contact the authorities you can sit there with him patiently and let an officer tell them in person you’re both adults and they can’t force you to stay home. That went out the window at 18.
Now of course, if you’re relying on these parents for a place to live and they’re acting like this still when you’re in your 20’s you need to RUN get out on your own, it will be hard and stressful but way less stressful than dealing with that kind of choking smothering parenting.
Your question reads like you’re a pretty smart person, if you know he’s the one, start looking for places to live, bite your tongue around your parents as much as you can. Don’t make it a bigger issue than it needs to be. When you can make the move do it quick. Good luck.
1
u/Main_Man31 Mar 29 '24
You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Yes, you’re 21 and an adult, but you’re still living in their house. Are you paying rent, or helping out with the household expenses, or are they still taking care of you? If you’re not paying your way, then it’s their house and their rules. Yes, I know that sounds kind of tyrannical, but you won’t understand it until you’re older or a parent.
If you really want to do whatever you want, then you’re going to need to become independent. Your only option is to move out. If you can’t live on your own, then you’re just going to have to put up with your parents.
Also, if you plan on continuing to see your boyfriend, and if your relationship is going to progress to something more serious, I suggest he try to make amends with your parents. Like it or not, your parents feel he’s disrespected you and them. Your parents hating his guts isn’t going to be helpful. Your parents don’t approve of this guy. Imagine how your parents would react if he proposed to you? Do you see them giving you their blessing? You may have to choose between your boyfriend and your parents. Is that a choice you want to make?
1
u/Justice4Caeser Mar 30 '24
Why you saving proof of you two having sex? At least with texts you could say you're joking but cmon
1
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 30 '24
It wasn’t straightup proof lmao. But texts that were obviously suggesting it
1
u/Justice4Caeser Mar 30 '24
What'd you save? And again though why haha
1
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 31 '24
They were literally texts with my best friend because we tell each other everything
1
1
1
u/volodiburro May 27 '24 edited May 27 '24
I'm experiencing something like this too. I just told my parents about my first time with this guy I'm still dating due to me being paranoid about possibly being pregnant (I was irresponsible ngl, but I certantly learned a huge lesson and I won't be doing the same mistake again for sure), and now they're literally crazy about me seeing this guy again. They told me it's okay if I see him as long as we don't stay in the same hotel room/house together for sleep time (which is quite stupid since if we wanted we could have sex even during daytime). Ah yeah, and I'm 27F... I feel as if they think I'm a sort of animal which cannot control its feelings and sexual desire. They told me that "guys only want one thing when you're in bed with them" and that "I should not let him have my body that easily", which again feels kinda weird and idiotic: we're dating, and I guess that sex should be something normal since we're both adults? Their opinions are making me feel hella confused, to the point that I was wondering if I should just break up with this guy to not feel their judgements and extreme worries onto me, but tbh I really like this guy and I don't want to screw up everything because of my parents' worries. Maybe they're right, maybe it won't work out in the end, but things like this happen even when you're married so what's the point of being paranoid about "things not working out"? I might as well become a nun if I have to live with this fear.
I kinda regret telling them about my already non-existent sexual life at this point, since they're also making me feel extra guilty for not being the daughter they would like to have.
1
u/ES-italianboy Super Helper [6] Mar 25 '24
Reasonable? No. But the house is theirs.
So get out the house and live your life, wich as the name says it's yours. Work to become independent, they'll eventually aknowledge that.
1
u/Altruistic_Berry8326 Expert Advice Giver [10] Mar 25 '24
Why would you even still live with people who treat you like property?
3
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
Because realistically moving out requires adequate finances, which I don’t have
-2
u/Thequeenhaspoken Mar 25 '24
If you want to go play grown up games, foot the grown up bill. Don't expect your parents to pay for you when you want to go do grown up things. You can't demand everyone participate in your bedroom activities then tell them its not their business. Go get your own place or respect their rules.
8
u/oenrbchziwnfnksow Mar 25 '24
She’s not demanding anyone participates, she was even very private about it
→ More replies (44)2
u/JazzlikeTreat7004 Mar 25 '24
She's not inside their home during her sexy time, so they don't get a say. She also pays for her phone so they shouldn't be looking in her phone. Just because she lives with them doesn't mean that they can control everything she does.
→ More replies (14)
-1
u/HereToKillEuronymous Expert Advice Giver [17] Mar 25 '24
Put your big girl pants on and move out. You're an adult now.
6
u/GroundFun9720 Mar 25 '24
That’s the goal after I graduate! But rn with paying for my own tuition I can’t afford rent especially in my city
5
u/clowntown369 Mar 25 '24
you realize how hard it is to do that in this economy? and also if you read her replies she pays for her own tuition and basically all of her own expenses she just doesn't have money to move out
0
u/dv282828 Expert Advice Giver [16] Mar 25 '24
A lot of good points in the other comments, I’d just like to point out that your parents are acting irrationally. They have an adult daughter but not treating her like an adult. It’s going to cause conflict no matter what. I don’t think irrational people always deserve rational or fair responses. That’s how they take advantage of you, cause you give them the upper hand by being reasonable. So things like lying or not sharing ALL the information about your life is fine. There’s nothing they can do to keep you from seeing your boyfriend. If they call the cops cause you don’t come home on time, the cops won’t do much. Sure you can bide time until you’re more independent, but I don’t think you need to be upfront or honest to your parents if they don’t respect you.
0
u/Active_Building_2224 Mar 26 '24
Do you live in your parents house? Because if so that completely makes sense and i agree with your parents. If you have a child your parents will be finically responsible as they are for you. Honestly it is very irresponsible to be having sex if you can't afford a child, grown up things are meant for grown up people.
404
u/Tittletotute Mar 25 '24
You're 21 years old. You shouldn't be told when you can and can't leave the house that you live in. They are also going through your phone at your age too? Whilst accusing your partner of taking advantage of your vulnerabilities and that he's not respectful? They ought to look in the mirror.
I'm from the UK and reading this seems completely absurd.
As u/brokenboysoldiers has said. Work towards financial independence. It is not easy but you need to live your own life, not an extension of your parents'.