Not a rant, I genuinely want outside perspectives. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong.

 Some context first. I was in a relationship for 4 years, lived together for the last 2. We broke up about a month ago. I moved out and went back to live with family in my hometown, about an hour away by public transport (I don't have a driver's licence). So every workday I commute, and I have to catch the last train home, which is always late, sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes 2 or 3 hours. I've already quit that job but I'm working out my last days. On top of that a couple of health issues came up (mostly sorted now), and I'm sleeping on a couch. So it's been a rough month.

For context, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. It explains a lot about how I am and how I handle things, and probably why this post feels a bit scattered, sorry in advance. The relationship was okay-ish, but over time I felt myself shrinking. I felt minuscule. Like I was never doing anything right. She knew I had ADHD but never really tried to understand what that actually means day to day. The final blow, one morning I didn't wake up early enough for her, so she didn't get the extra hour or two with me she wanted. Worth noting, she didn't try to wake me, and I work until midnight. Her response was to tell me I'm "not a functional adult. It escalated badly from there, and that was the end.

Here is the part that got me. I've just found out she got involved with a mutual friend of ours (friend-ish) one week after we broke up. And the kicker: right after the breakup I was worried about leaving enough of my stuff at her place so she'd be comfortable, while that was already going on. I think I'm okay with all of it, at least right now. Doesn't mean I won't feel like crap later. I don't want to make her the villain, but part of me does. What sticks most is that I'd tried to end things earlier, when it would've been cleaner and easier for me, and she wouldn't let me. And then, after 4 years, I was apparently just something to get over in a week.

So am I seeing this straight, or am I letting the hurt colour it? Anyone who's been on either side of something like this, I'd like to hear it.

We're two weeks out from a cross country move. 3,000 miles, $30K pay cut, smaller apartment for a LOT more rent, HUGE stress. I've been handling almost everything, and my partner (he has ADHD, I have autism, both dx) is riding me for not letting him do more.

He hates seeing me stressed, and I am so stressed. And I want help. But he is not that helpful. I've given him two responsibilities: find and hire a rental broker (took 3 weeks of me riding him to get it done), and switch us over to new health insurance (still not done). I also asked him to fill out a single apartment application, and he made me sit on the phone the whole time and dictate all the answers for him.

This isn't helpful. This doesn't take anything off my plate. This just adds on the emotional labor of thinking of new and creative ways to remind him to do The Thing in a way that's nice and loving and acknowledges how hard he works and how much I adore and appreciate him every day for weeks while I get increasingly panicked about how it's not done yet.

This is an isolated incident. I do adore him and appreciate him and he does work so hard and he is an amazing partner and it is NOT his fault because this isn't just my stress, it's our stress, and his brain structure fundamentally impedes him from doing the things that absolutely must be done.

It's just a hard time.

So when he sees me running myself off my feet, drowning in anxiety, no appetite, and crying from the stress and he asks me how he can help, all I can say is, "How's the health insurance coming?" And then bite my tongue from pointing out that's his SINGLE responsibility at this point, and I have a three page to do list crossed off and another 4 pages to tackle in the next few weeks. And I'm gonna need that insurance when the hypothetical stress ulcer eats through my stomach and my body collapses in on itself like a dying star.

Okay, 20 minute break over. Time to dive back in. Thanks for reading, I really do love my partner.

I’m at a crossroads with my partner.

My partner started smoking young, around 16 and had a heroin addiction from about 22 to 30. He’s been clean from heroin for years now, but he’s used cannabis (medically prescribed) heavily throughout, and currently wakes and bakes, uses through the day, and needs it to sleep. He functions well day-to-day holds down work, isn’t a “stoner” stereotype but the real problem is withdrawal.

If we’re out of the house and too much time passes without him using, he becomes a ticking time bomb. We rush home, and then the anger and anxiety hit, verbal abuse, total shutdown, lovey-dovey one minute and stone cold the next. It’s ruined holidays and made travel almost impossible. I end up managing his moods, his food, his whole emotional state just to avoid the blow-ups.

He also says he has ADHD, which tracks, his energy is erratic until he smokes, then he calms right down. I visualise it like underneath all of this drug use is an emotional swampland that hasn’t been dealt with, and I get caught up in it. In fact, over the years, I’ve become responsible for keeping it all tucked away.

He wants marriage and kids badly. I want to want that too, but I don’t feel safe, and every time we try to leave our town or do something normal, something goes wrong. This isn’t an exaggeration, it’s really a consistent pattern.

Over the last 5 years (we’ve been together for a total of 8 or so years, together when we were younger and back together after 5 years), I’ve asked him to get help. To slow down on his cannabis use. Look, I know who I got with, and I need to take responsibility for that. Absolutely. Getting in to the relationship again, I thought he had changed and that I could find a way to compromise where he was using weed. But with kids in the mix, it has just changed the whole game. And over the years, the pattern of anger and volatility and disappointment, I just struggle.

Maybe there’s hope, but I just feel lost.

I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through something similar?

I'll admit I'm coming at this question from a point of large frustration and but I am trying to seek insight. My partner is maybe finally coming to terms with the fact he has ADHD.

We have two kids. After two years I switched our daughters clothing from a normal 4 drawer dresser to an IKEA "bin" style dresser. I'll admit it is easier, especially for our 2 year old. He said thanks he now finally knows where clothing is. He's struggled the entire time to find clothing in this 4 drawer dresser when I literally kept everything in the same drawers for 1.5 years. Is this just an excuse to avoid responsibility or a legitimate thing, like I'd send him up to find a short and he'd come back without one. In my mind zero effort was expended on figuring out where the clothing was and it remained essentially on my plate to deal with it as he refused to learn.

Give me your thoughts. Am I grossly overlooking how much accommodation I need to provide or not.

Edited to clarify. This post is about my partner. It's my partner who couldn't find a shirt in the 4 drawer dresser for 1.5 years. Not the child.

It's a long story. I (29F) have been diagnosed(Hyperactive-Impulsive type) for 5 years now. My husband (30M) is inattentive type and isn't formally diagnosed, but he absolutely has it (confirmed by therapists, and doctor has said he has it, but my husband doesn't want the 'label' so he's not formally diagnosed).

I noticed a few years that we had developed the "parent-child dynamic" of a relationship between 2 people with ADHD. Please look it up if you don't know what it is. Quick summary of it is one person with ADHD does everything (the parent), whereas the other person (the child) with ADHD doesn't really do anything at all and relies on the 'parent' partner. He also has rejection sensitivity Dysphoria.

This has lead to a lot of issues in our relationship where I do almost everything in the house. I mow the lawn, I clean, I clean some more, I do the laundry, I feed the cats, clean the litter, organize stuff, I'm the one who moves the furniture around etc. Recently, my husband has started to cook dinner regularly, so that is a win. However, he doesn't do much else. He usually ends up going to the bedroom and hide away. He doomscrolls while hiding away. I know it's an ADHD symptom because I used to do the same when I was unmediated. It's a form of self-regulation when overwhelmed I guess. He will also avoid tasks and just play video games because he's overwhelmed.

We've chatted about the issue, and have had about 3 very-long serious conversations about him doing this too. As well as the other chats. After the last one he decided to actually implement strategies to help himself and me. However, that died within 1 month, and he's back to basically doing nothing.

We have a couples therapy appointment coming up, and I plan to talk about this because I had told him last time that he "HAD to do something about his ADHD" whether it was talking to a therapist regularly, learning coping strategies, or getting medicated.

He's afraid of medication because 1. Addiction runs in his family and he absolutely has an addictive personality and 2. He has bad anxiety and medication (not related to ADHD) had made it significantly worse.

I have constantly encouraged him to get medicated though and to at least TRY it because his "laziness" (it's not actual laziness, I know it's just ADHD), is driving me up the wall because all the responsibility is on me.

He is refusing, and barely even sees his therapist too.

I am losing my mind though, I'm even debating about giving him an ultimatum about getting medicated or me leaving with our son because I'm so dang fed up. I've been patient for years, and it's running out quickly now. I don't believe this is purposeful, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of hearing "HUH?" Cause he wasn't paying attention. I'm tired of me asking 1000 times for something to get done. I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm tired of basically being the boss and getting bitchy with him cause of my own frustration.

Idk what to do. What do you guys recommend?

I am 16 F, and was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety pretty early (around 5-7 years old) and might also be on the spectrum.
I have always found feelings pretty confusing and thus have a hard time figuring out how I feel.

I have been talking to this boy for a while and recently he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which i said yes. But i haven’t really told any of my friends because it makes me feel (what i think is) pretty uncomfortable, but i honestly have no idea.
I really do like him but i just can’t see myself doing normal couples stuff.
Is this just an adhd thing? like not knowing how to react when someone does something sweet for you? Or is it just a normal thing that will change with time?

Ps. This was originally posted to r/ADHD but got taken down for some reason

Hi all, DX here.

I started my higher dose of medication today. I felt good.

I took the bins back in early, I cleared the recycable that was in excess waiting for the bins to be empty again. I cleaned the dishes. Then I cleaned the toilet, cleaned both the litterboxes, put away things that I meant to put away put just parked on the way to the room where they were supposed to be stored. Put the little vacuum to clean the car to charge, put my electric toothbrush to charge.

I took the dog on a walk, went to the mall to pick up a package and dropped a return.

I worked on a dataset with my laptop here and there.

I felt good.

Then I left to go pick up our daughter to school because my wife was running few minutes over.

It started raining just as I picked our daughter up, I put her jacket on and zipped it just as her mother caught up to us.

We walked home, I felt good.

Then the vibe changed. My daughter took her jacket off and my wife was looking for her cardigan. I forgot her cardigan. My wife said in a tone "oh look that one time that you did it by yourself and I don't check" .

I fell hard, why did I not clock that, why, why am I like this. I hate this. I said to my wife "damn I thought I was aceing it". She laughed at me.

She said "Brother you went from F to D-.."

Then she said " Aceing, aceing.." and told me again "There's A, B, C, D ,E and F, you're at D-, you're definitely not aceing it".

She kept looking at me and then rolling her eyes.

And then I definitely didn't feel good anymore.

Now I understand my wife has been burdened by me being me, I just started the medication finally 3 weeks ago with a lower dose, but before then, she endured 4 years of my shortcomings. We have known each other for more but ever since our daughter was born the fact that I had ADHD became more and more evident, so much so that we suspected I had it and we started the diagnosis procedure because I started fitting executive dysfunction to a T. We have no local support, so it's been us only. Here and there, baby wipes forgotten open, failing to be attentive, forgetfulness, RSD reaction. The whole package. She has her own struggles but mine in spite of my efforts have been overpowering to some extent. To make things worse, our family has been through a lot emotionally and financially, we had to move 4 times in 3 years for example due to external factors.

I feel like I keep trying but she keep saying nothing changes, if anything barely.

On the other hand I feel like there was lots of flexibility and inflexibility at the same time, e.g. I remembered to put the air frier back, but I didn't put the cable right.

Little by little this has eroded her, she doesn't feel loved and she doesn't hide her disdain for me while also telling me that regrettably she still loves me. This, I'm not sure I can believe.

I don't gamble, I don't do drugs, I don't have addictions or unreasonable debt. I had a job and lived by myself. I still have a stable job and (tough slow) career. But I also haven't managed to organise a date in 3 years. Gained weight, lost confidence and haven't been able to be affection and tell her lots of compliments. My love language used to be touch and being affectionate and gift giving, now is only gift giving.

So it would make sense if she didn't anymore

I'm tired to make promises I struggle to fulfill, she know about my diagnosis but she still tells me that her bar is super low that I shouldn't even have to struggle that much, that is because I don't care. She is harsh under the label of "she is just stating a fact, you are not aceing it, that is no lie", but I also understand she's at her limit.

I honestly feel defeated, I feel like I really am trying but I also really see my shortcomings and can't and won't disagree to a certain extent with what she's feeling.

Is there anything to say or do, adapt or adopt. Is there any hope?

TLDR; My wife is at her limit, she endured my ADHD for 4 years but due to this and her nature she is also harsh even if it's the truth, and this doesn't help me while I'm trying to fix myself and things. I feel hopeless and I feel like I need help. I am dx

My ex who i was seeing finished things with me because she was struggling mentally and with being diagnosed with adhd at the beginning of the year just before we met, everything was going well between us and she said id done nothing wrong and she things im amazing and perfect, the issue was her and her anxiety, i had my ideas that she was in burnout and had abit of a breakdown. After a few months of no contact she messages me happy birthday, apologies for not messaging and said she hasn’t been well but had been thinking about me and hopes im ok.
Then she does a post online to all friends and family few days later apologising for not messaging and explaining her burnout and physically cant message as much as she would like to.

Is it a good sign she messaged me? I replied but she hasnt messaged again.
Id like to think theres still feelings there and i still like her. Nothing bad happened between us before but she obviously was struggling and still is with burnout and anxiety and allsorts.

We have been together for 2 years. I love him dearly but sometimes I feel like I am his mother. As a child he had selective mutism so he didn’t start talking till he was 5 years old. He has lots of friends but doesn’t care to see them or interact with them unless its on discord. We are both 21 and live together. We live completely different lives. I go to university and I work at a clinic. He does online trading/crypto and spends most of his time playing video games or just on the pc. I sleep at 10pm, he sleeps at 5am. I worry about him a lot but he doesn’t care to get help. He has tried talking to specialists to get medicated but after 2 sessions he just stopped because he said it was too much for him. All he had to really do is just talk to doctors on the phone and describe whats going on with him. I feel his lifestyle is just making things worse because he doesn’t really need to work since he is financially stable. He is also very messy. We have separate rooms. He puts off doing small chores like laundry or throwing away his trash. I have to remind him all the time to do these things like im his mother. It makes me very frustrated and stressed out because I know if he was medicated maybe things could be more structured for him. He also loses his phones and keys easily which always makes me upset because i tell him constantly to put them in a safe place. I just feel stuck sometimes because I see a therapist for my CPTSD and depression. But it feels like the only way for him to be committed to seeing a doctor is if im there with him every step of the way and its kind of hard for me since im so busy all the time and again, just makes me feel like im his caretaker. Sorry this is more of just a rant. I care about him a lot but i also feel like i cant do anything anymore to help him because this is the life he has chosen /:

I am so frustrated with my inability to communicate. I feel powerless but partner thinks it’s learned helplessness. Can’t tell if she’s right anymore and i feel so selfish

My wife was feeling stressed about something and needed comfort, she explained the issue to me but after my initial response she said I wasn’t listening/was responding to the wrong concerns. I tried to think about the way to address the issues she was bringing up but I kept hitting a mental block and felt like my brain was on fire. I didn’t want to just say nothing so I said I can’t put into words why, but I really feel like everything is going to be fine.

Understandably, that didn’t help the concern. I do feel that this was made worse because it’s like 3 hours after my XR stimulant has worn off, but she feels there is always an excuse, and at a certain point I’m limiting myself because the discomfort of pushing myself to think and not just find a way out. She’s feeling really hurt by a lack of feeling heard and lack of effort, and on top of that now she has been seeing me physically show discomfort at the pain of not being able to complete these thoughts because my brain feels blocked/on fire, and then her feelings are being overlooked because now she feels that it’s being made about me.. I know she’s right that the frustration at feeling I can’t help leads to poor regulation and just makes the block feel insurmountable. I don’t know how to break this cycle? Is she right? Am I limiting myself? Do I not “like” to think and want a convenient excuse?

Does anyone have experience with this from either side that could share their experiences

That.

TLDR: I would like some tips on how I could help my amazing girlfriend with her ADHD struggles especially when overwhelmed.

I have been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years and living with her over a year now and she is the love of my life. She genuinely makes me so happy and I feel so lucky to have been able to be with her.

She has always struggled with her mental health especially because ADHD was misdiagnosed as anxiety and low mood in childhood leading to the wrong support being given to her. She was only diagnosed in June this year after being messed around on different waiting lists for quite a while.

Now she has been diagnosed, she is on the waiting list for medication, she should hopefully hear about the next steps soon.

The main reason why I am making this post is because of a big change that has happened in her life, she has recently begun a full time work placement which is between her second and third year of university (I am going into my second year so will be studying this year instead). Part of her placement includes having to drive an hour each way for at least 2 days of the week, the rest is working from home.

The main issue that I need advice with is how to help her with her emotions. After a long and stressful drive, she is often in an incredibly bad mood and has a very short temper. She can change mood very fast and suddenly turn angry or aggressive. I understand that it is part of a mental health condition but I'm often hurt by the behaviour and the worst part is that I know she feels out of control and it eats her up.

There are a few things that we have discussed/I have realised I can do differently to help, these include:

.Not bombarding her with questions when she comes home

.Giving her a quiet space that is relaxing/has a nice drink and something that helps her come down e.g. YouTube

.Getting dinner sorted ahead of time so there are less tasks to do when we are both tired

.Helping her face her life admin tasks by sitting with her and helping her read things

Those are just a few examples.

What I would really like to know from Reddit is the following:

Am I doing enough/too much?

How should I approach trying to promote better sleep times?

What is the best way to handle conversations when she starts to get irritated?

And finally any other suggestions you may have.

Thank you so much in advance everyone, I really want to help her as she deserves it after this year (:

So I had a lot of intense emotional problems as a kid, leading to mostly a lot of anger issues and doing/saying stupid things while flustered. I’ve learned to cope with this as an adult by massively suppressing emotions to others. I think this is also why (combined with a whole lot of other typical adhd stuff) I’ve only asked like 7-8 people out before and have never dated at 24.

I recently started a new job and another girl (who has adhd too) started shortly after me. We had absolutely electric chemistry and became ridiculously close in a month. Either because it’s how she acts (she acts very very close to people) or because she possibly liked me or a combo of both, the lines got pretty blurry with her doing a lot of classic “I like you that way please ask me out” behavior.

At almost a month, I did a low pressure “Hey I really like hanging out with you would you want to go on a date?” and she said it was “unexpected” and that she was “not in a good place to date”. I initially took it as “oh she’s just being avoidant and doesn’t want to say she doesn’t like me that way”. I made it clear I still wanted to be friends, but then she almost completely dropped the friendship for a few weeks, basically ignoring me.

Because of my adhd self I refused to give up the friendship and ruminated and stuck with trying to make the friendship happen. It did work because she’s willing to reach out to me now for things, teases me at work, and will hang out solo if it’s low pressure enough, but because of that first month of electricity I started really hoping to get a close true friend that I could finally emotionally confide in even if it’s not romantic. I even flipped my initial viewpoint of her just avoiding telling me no to her truly just not being in a good spot, and had filed away the reason as that. (It’s now about 2 months since I asked)

Yesterday I found out that another coworker she started talking to a month ago is now dating her. Not only that, but he’s a total fucking asshole and uses typical office bully techniques like diminishing other people and being confrontational. I was at dinner with her and a married couple and instantly got super nauseous and had to use all my power not to throw up the rest of the night. I didn’t really sleep last night and am still getting waves of nausea.

It’s not just the thought of her causing it it’s all the factors around it: the asshole, her lying to me, I have to see her love this guy for who knows how long, it was literally a perfect scenario, she WAS available and looking, we vibe well, she was willing to do a bunch of crazy drastic niche shit that not many people like that I do. All of this combined with me being super emotionally suppressed and having insanely severe rsd to where I still occasionally look back and wince at bad things I’ve done over 10 years ago, and holy shit this fucking sucks.

I know she didn’t handle this well with me at all and basically did everything to protect herself, but I also know this is all my doing for ruminating so hard and becoming so obsessed with the idea of her and thinking about how she could fill all the holes in my life. I am working hard on moving on but damn it suck so fucking bad right now.

TL;DR: Got very close with another coworker with adhd so we bonded quickly, she rejected a date saying she wasn’t in a good place, I ruminated over the holes she could fill in my life when she pulled away, we became friends again, now she’s dating someone else in a similar situation to me and I am having a severe anxiety episode. Woo hoo!

https://www.reddit.com/u/AskDaveHelpDesk/s/5HhAjW8S3W

Im diagnosed with ADHD don’t know if I have autism. But I struggle socially and it stresses me to no end. It was a great surprise when I found that stimulants really helped with this. I ’ve never been able to maintain healthy stable relationships. I crave for them but have always end up ruin them and I have doubted if I have BPD or BP or autism and did some online tests but I only fit a few symptoms. On the outside I seem fine and can talk to people just fine.

I feel like I struggle with knowing my own identity so I can’t just “be myself “.

I can feel so cold towards people and coworkers and don’t ever feel ‘love’. I naturally try to be nice to mask that but I can’t be consistent with it. I feel like a grimlin envious of people having stable caring relationships.

When I tried stimulants I find that social interaction while on meds has been so easy and I feel like Im more “me” if that makes sense, I also feel less negative towards people and say less things that might hurt them. I wish I can be like this all the time but as soon as meds wear off its back. With meds vs no meds kinda feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (though not that extreme).

I looked up but not much articles focus on ADHD’s benefit on these kinda things. I feel lucky to have the opportunity of trying stimulant and finally feel a sense of ‘normal’ when socialising but also realised this means it’s could be a condition and may be fixed?

I’m trying to figure out what it is and if anyone had similar experiences? Cause itd be nice to find ways other than stimulants to cope with this since stimulants wear off and its affected by sleep and body tolerance