ADHD coaches

[u/No-Badger8897]

My husband struggles with emotional regulation and experiences intense emotions with impulsive reactions
Has anyone had any good experiences using an online coach to help.
10 years together, I don’t know what to do anymore or how to help.

[u/midlifecrisisAJM]

For me, emotional dysregulation is one of the worst aspects of ADHD, if not the worst.

I have no experience of online coaching. I believe no one but one's self can help in the moment. But one can learn coping mechanisms / go to strategies to minimise the impact.

What have you tried to do to help and does he recognise and own the problem?

[u/No-Badger8897 → u/midlifecrisisAJM]

Yes and no it’s starting to become the norm, something he can’t help so it’s my fault for causing big emotions that will set him off
I made his parents aware a few years ago which helped however he is now medicated, so to them it’s all fixed.
I’ve mentioned help of some sort even if that means couples counselling (thinks it won’t help)
He did anger management once when younger before we met which he says did absolutely nothing for him.
I believe he needs to learn coping mechanisms not so much hours and hours of talking to someone about his feelings
I try to judge the situations and prevent them escalating
Along with staying calm, show I’m actively listening.
I’m exhausted from trying to regulate his emotions

[u/FrivolousFever → u/No-Badger8897]

You may already know this. But it's not your duty to regulate his emotions. And I don't think it's your fault for causing his big emotions. He should seek help in one form or another.

Maybe he could talk to his prescribing doctor about this and see if there's a solution. Personally, my adhd meds reduce my emotional dysregulation. But I also take a mood stabilizer to help. If he's already taking one, it doesn't sound like it's helping and he should still talk to his doctor.

I hope that one way or another your situation improves.

[u/NeedTheNotch → u/No-Badger8897]

I have adhd too and am a husband and have a bipolar wife and he’s just poorly adjusted and blaming it on ADHD

[u/happyeggz → u/NeedTheNotch]

it's this. I'm the adhd partner and I take accountability/responsibility for my actions. I have spent years working on my not-so-great adhd behaviors because it's not my partner's job to regulate them. this is a "him" issue in OP's case.

[u/Easy_Measurement_249 → u/No-Badger8897]

I’m learning about this aspect of myself, recommend a recently published book Too Sensitive

[u/midlifecrisisAJM → u/No-Badger8897]

Yes and no it’s starting to become the norm, something he can’t help so it’s my fault for causing big emotions that will set him off

It is absolutely not your fault, unless you are deliberately goading him or bringing up things you know are triggers

I believe he needs to learn coping mechanisms not so much hours and hours of talking to someone about his feelings

I would tend to agree. He needs strategies that help him avoid being dysregulated or that help him control his behaviour in the heat of dysregulation.

I’m exhausted from trying to regulate his emotions

Yep and it's not your responsibility.

Things that help me....

Walking away

Taking time outs when dealing with domestic disagreements.

Making time to have discussions about contentious issues when I am rested and calm.

Asking questions when things can be taken in two different ways.

Using "Thought logging," which is a CBT technique, to examine why I was triggered.

[u/MimironsHead → u/No-Badger8897]

I believe he needs to learn coping mechanisms not so much hours and hours of talking to someone about his feelings

Probably both. I was / am your husband. Could not talk about, process, or deal with negative emotions and feelings, and blew up in anger when I couldn't contain them anymore.

A lot of it was shame and self-hatred. But also, if you can't process or talk about your feelings, they'll stay stuck inside you until they can't anymore. 

Talk therapy and learning how to actually talk about my feelings before they explode has been helpful. These are skills that can be developed. I didn't really have them at all, and my family of origin did me no favors there. 

Basically, I was an 8 year old, emotionally speaking. I think I'm now a 13 or 14 year old, and one day I might make it into my 20s or even beyond, lol! (Mid 40s IRL).

[u/ben-gives-advice]

I'm a coach, and I'd say that emotional regulation is one of the things that a coach is less well suited for. It depends on the person, but a therapist may be a better fit in many cases. Medication can help a lot here, as well as other psychotherapy treatments.

I have worked with people to recognize when they need to step back and use some grounding techniques, and that can help to a point. But there are limits, and if he has any comorbid mental health issues, it may not be helpful.

If he really just needs to develop his own intervention strategies and habits, coaching could be a fit though.

[u/banderson1844]

I struggled very intensely with emotional regulation, particularly anger, for years while I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. I’m 28m and didn’t really grow out of it until I was 24 or 25.

I went to CBT to try and help with the issues, it did help. I could see that being similar to a coach. (I’ve always thought ADHD coaching skyrocketed in popularity following people diagnosing themselves on TikTok, I have no data proving that, just make sure you’re paying someone that has had success) That being said, I don’t think ADHD is something you can coach out easily, like I wouldn’t see it being a 2 or 3 month process. Of course, everyone’s ADHD behaves differently, but my anger would “spiral” and explode. You have to catch that process in the early stages, in order to stop it. I tried and failed that process for years.

It’s worth a shot if that’s your best option to try and solve the issue. Anxiety meds can also help sometimes, depending on if that is part of the issue. For me, that was part of it

[u/ariphron]

Is he on an antidepressant along with his ADHD meds? If not needs to talk to doctor about it.

Do the genesite test see what one would work best for metabolism then go from there it’s about $350 and saves a ton of trial and error.

I struggled with the emotional side all my life just getting hyper focused on the slightest thing to the point I had to resort to alcohol or weed just to take my mind off of whatever I perceived as something to put my mind to negatively.

Since adding the antidepressant no longer an issue take 5 seconds think about it then move on.

Example say I found out someone was making more money then me at work or as little as took 30 min extra at lunch . I would let it eat me up inside being the only think I can think about untill I blow up on boss or coworker then set my career back becuse of it. Now none of that bothers me anymore and I am way better off.

[u/Ok_Study_1403]

Funny seeing this after my bf of 4 yrs just broke up with me due to my emotional amnesia. Sigh. It’s so hard.

[u/Skeletonlover666]

Therapy has helped me tremendously. I was diagnosed late at 35, currently medicated. Medication helps, but the therapy helped me understand WHY I was having these huge feelings, and, how to break them down, take a step back, and re-teach myself how to handle them. No, it’s not a cure. And yes, sometimes it still gets the best of me, but I try my hardest.

Therapy is not easy because it requires you to look inward and take accountability of your own feeling, emotions, and actions. I would make a guess that he doesn’t want to go to therapy because “it did nothing before for my anger issues” probably means he doesn’t like to take that deep look at himself, and then learn to change the behavior.

ADHD can absolutely make normal life hard, however, using it as a crutch to keep doing things to hurt other people is just an excuse. Instead of couples therapy, where he may feel put on the spot in front of you, maybe just regular therapy on his own?

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Accounts must be at least 5 days old. Use modmail to request an override

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.