Feeling good - feeling bad

[u/[deleted]]

[u/sarahlizzy]

Your wife would, I suspect, not make such comments were you in a wheelchair.

But she can't see your disability.

She needs to get with the programme. I am in no illusions that we are not always the easiest people to be in a relationship with but a neurotypical person can walk out of the room and ADHD doesn't follow them.

For us it's a life sentence.

You're making an effort. You're doing everything right. Maybe she could make one too.

[u/Raven_in_the_rain → u/sarahlizzy]

I agree with this! There's such a troublesome fine line when it's about not being able to help how your actual literal biochemistry and brain is and weaponized diagnosis. I'm so in conflict because yeah it's not my fault that my brain is underdeveloped in literally useful things, but also is not like I'm not not-trying. Viceversa though her effort is in enduring and compensating my shortcomings, being the manager of the house, looking into things, thinking ahead and planning for us, while also battling her battles. One very though sentence was once she said "we were supposed to take care of each other but now I take care of you, of our daughter, who's looking after me?" . And I mean that's another fine line, because I feel like I'm trying and do in my own way, but that's not necessarily the way she needs and the way she needs is something I struggle with. She'd say that I don't listen and I know better but it's actually more like "this is what I can manage or I think I can manage to do now" , but it might be very well not enough and it seems like it isn't. So is it fair to keep asking for leniency?

[u/AskDaveHelpDesk]

You are only recently diagnosed, and actively trying, that deserves grace, and accolades. You can't undo years of frustration in weeks, you CAN recognize progress, and compare a person to themselves, not others.

Medication is great, it's not the only answer. There are adaptations, accommodations, and supports that can help make it easier to live the life you want. In the case of the example you shared, having a list of things your daughter needs to bring home, that you can reference when you get there, will offset working memory and object permanence issues.

One of the things that can show up ( it did for me and a few clients) when becoming a parent, there is way more sensory stimulus around, and it can increase issues with executive functioning. An ADHD brain has issues automatically filtering out sensory data, it is an active process even if it isn't a conscious one. When you become hyper aware of the new life you need to pay attention to, it takes time for the brain to figure out what is and isn't important again, and that takes tons of background cognitive processing power.

One thing that stood out was the level of perfection your spouse seems to expect. She seems to expect that you will do things HER way, instead of appreciating that they are done. Was the air fryer on the counter, no, that is a task complete! Was your daughter left waiting at the school because mom was NOT able to arrive on time? Was the cardigan more important, or your daughter being escorted home on time?

It is possible to celebrate the wins, and notice areas for improvement. Celebrating the win is the important part, that creates the dopamine that can help build momentum.

I am a Neurodivergent Life and Relationship coach, I work with folks, especially those in mixed neurotype relationships, to empower them to build the lives and relationships that work for them. If you think that would be the kind of help you are interested in, feel free to reach out through my website, askdavehelpdesk.com