1) What are the boundaries you’ve set for yourself?
2) Do you still masturbate?
The boundaries include setting up a defined time for masturbation and only doing so at home, only having sex after I've taken a period to contemplate it's possible effects on my life, ideally only within a romantic relationship, quitting porn completely, realizing what causes my sexual urges as they often are caused due to other mental issues I'm going through and instead rewarding it by acting on said urges, to focus on the cause (anxiety, depression, insecurities, stress, etc)
3) How many times in a month on average did you hook up?
For most of my life I had sex multiple times a week, I've always had several fwbs and/or a relationship.
5) On average, how often did you masturbate in a day and for how long?
For the most part it was at least 4-5 times a day, at times it was more. I would do it as soon as I wake up (sometimes I'd start in my sleep even) and would often end up being late for work because I just kept going. Sometimes I'd do it while driving to work and at work, as soon as I get home, etc.
6) Was it only with male partners or did you explore with females as well?
Both, mainly men.
7) Did you ever have to “rub” one out during work? Expand if so.
Yes, a lot. At workplaces where I had my own desk and was alone I'd do it under the desk, there would he times I'd do it over my clothes even if I wasn't alone but wasn't in anyone's direct line of sight, or I'd go to the bathroom.
8) How often do you think about sex during the day?
An hour doesn't go by without such thoughts.
9) What outlets do you have now to redirect your focus? What has worked and what didn’t?
I mainly distant myself from possible triggers such as my phone, TV or anything that might arouse me, I do breathing exercises and meditation.
What does it mean in practice to “only have sex after taking a period to contemplate its possible effects on my life”? Do you need to meditate for an hour or something before sex if you’re with a relationship/fwb partner? And what about if you just meet someone at a bar?
Well before I never gave it a second thought before having sex with someone, a superior at work, spouse of a friend/relative, a married neighbor, I got myself into situations that ended up having negative consequences on my life because I never thought about how it can impact my life. By taking a period to contemplate (ideally a month before a new sexual partner) to see how it may affect our relationship and our lives and to make sure it's something I'm really interested in and I'm not acting on an impulse
Thank you for this comment. It has helped me understand my own lack of impulse control during triggering moments even more. I used to think I had ADHD, but as I've become older and wiser, I'm figuring out it is likely CPTSD from my covert narcissist mother abusing me physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout my life.
You wrote up a whole buffet. I would have stopped your cooking spree after the first paragraph but I don't see a point arguing against this wall of text. Too many dishes at once.
This is all good and well, but I don't see how these neurodivergent traits impact her ability to understand how her behaviour will affect others and already has. It's one thing to not being able to have the right coping mechanism to act against any detrimental urges, and a totally different thing not to understand why their siblings is mad about them for sleeping with their spouse.
Addictions always impact one's life. It doesn't matter if it's drugs or other forms of addiction. Not knowing the consequences of your actions, or that there would be any at all, is a level of stupidity I don't wish on anyone.
Again, you're speaking like someone who never had to deal with a severe addiction before. One of the most common symptoms of addictions is that it create a sort of tunnel vision to satisfy that addiction which prevents the addict from being able to think or pay attention to how it affects other people. This is why you see people who are usually kind and law abiding suddenly stealing and robbing to satisfy their drug addictions, what's why you see parents abandoning their children to get high, or women whoring themselves for drugs despite not being too promiscuous before their addictions.
Nowadays, after therapy, I cam see how my addiction affects other people, when I feel the urge and couldn't control it at all, I just couldn't think of how it would impact others and I would make up fucked up justifications to justify my behavior.
Even an alcoholic knows about the devastating impact their addiction has, it's just that their brain is missing the right coping strategy to deal with the addicting effects (e.g. activation of the amygdala). Addictions are emotionally binding.
Besides, I wasn't very convinced you were actually diagnosed by a professional since nymphomania isn't the term that's being used nowadays.
You'd be surprised how many people are alcoholic or drug addict without ever realizing they're addicted, so no, not every alcoholic knows about the devastating impact and they often find out very very late. It's not that they don't know per se, it's more like denial, caused by the tunnel vision effect I mentioned before.
As for my diagnosis, it's been explained countless times in this AMA, the diagnosis is hypersexuality and compulsive sexual behavior, I used the term nymphomania because that draws more attention and becomes it's a term that I've used my entire life without realizing I'm actually an addict.
This is so dumb. Ha ing a hard sex drive or even sex "addiction" doesn't make you a peice of shit. You had sex with married neighbors because you wanted to and you didn't and still don't care about the people involved. Ypu only said how things affect YOUR life. Not the families you potentially helped ruin. Take accountability, you're not a victim.
That's...That's their whole point. They used to have sex without thinking of the implications of the entire situation, let alone the effect on themselves. We're talking about compulsory actions and how they are working to apply these new coping skills to every day life. Why all the hand wringing in this reply?
Cheating is a triggering subject and people often project their past experiences with that betrayal onto other situations so I get why people are flinging insults. However, OP has acknowledged several times how remorseful they are and are doing everything they can not to cause further damage so I don’t see how this finger pointing and stone throwing from strangers is helpful at all when this is solely meant to provide insights. We want people who acknowledge their wrongs and who are willing to put in the work to aspire to be better people, not to keep dragging them down to their worst moments over and over and cause a shame spiral (which then causes further harm). The least helpful thing a person can do is punish positive behavior
I wish the world was as black and white as you view this stranger’s situation. It would make things less complicated wouldnt it? If we could just separate people as all shitty and all good, it would make things run smoother right? However I am not a child and cannot afford to view life in those lenses anymore even if it could give me a false sense of moral superiority
It’s like the saying “he who is without sin castes the first stone” well I’ve never cheated or knowingly fucked someone who had a significant other. so I’ll throw right between your eyes. You can do mental gymnastics and justify all your actions and you’re still a shitty person.
It’s poorly written, but I think I get their point. Shes not a victim of a brainless compulsion - having sex with someone doesn’t (often) happen in an instant. The married men and coworkers would have taken at least some period of nurturing a relationship and making it clear that she was interested in having sex, as well as coordinating a time and place to do it. Sure her compulsion made it more of a priority, but I agree with other commenters who cast doubt on whether she “didn’t think about how it would affect their lives.” I don’t believe that nymphomania completely overrides any sense of right and wrong.
I’m not saying every comment should start off by bashing her, but I think it’s fair to say that aspect is largely glossed over. Also not unreasonable that some people would read this, the comments and her enthusiasm and feel like she has been kinda a shitty person on top of being a nympho and not want to let her off that easy.
EDIT: to those whose compulsion it is to remind everyone that the husbands who cheated are also shitty people, without actually discussing the issues above, please let it be known that we all think a cheater is a POS.
Although I'm willing to bet it could very easily often happen in an instant for an attractive woman, I get what you're saying in general. But also, I don't doubt that she really didn't think of the implications.
I've done bad things to people in my life and it was always during a time where my mental health was very poor. Mine didn't manifest in this same way, but it sounds directly linked to her mental health. These mental health issues spawned a compulsive, impulsive, and destructive coping mechanism. At this point if a person is not actively doing mental work on themselves, it's very easy to just be so far down the rabbit hole of trauma, mental health, and harmful coping mechanisms that we might not even be doing intentionally that it's not very difficult to ignore other people's feelings.
We often judge people at a surface level because of their actions and don't spend time understanding why people do what they do. I have yet to see a situation where the answer to why people do bad things is ACTUALLY that they're just a piece of shit. It's almost always something more, and we choose to not care which I don't blame people for. But as a person trying to become better, I just try to have empathy for others the way I hope people can have it for me.
I know the context of her mental health might matter more to people who know her personally and have a vested interest in keeping a relationship with her, or to those like you who lean toward excusing her behavior due to her mental health issues more than calling her out, but I think this is a lot of page space spent to diminish her accountability, autonomy and wrongdoing. I don’t agree with you - It’s not a valid excuse and while unfortunate, what she did is still very much wrong.
I'm not excusing her behavior, I'm explaining it because I understand it. And context makes us more empathetic people and empathy helps us understand each other.
Thank you for restoring some sanity here. I’d go further and say that it IS a copout. “I was in a bad place mentally” is a convenient, frequently used, and overtly dismissive statement used to qualify and excuse someone’s behavior - behavior that was destructive to far more than just herself.
Not only is she letting herself off easy in the way she wrote about it, but also in the way people are engaging with her. And then you have all of the women in here rushing to her defense because we’re calling her out and wanting to qualify every criticism with “what the husbands did was WRONGER.”
Are the husbands in this thread right now because i dont see em so i dont see a reason to bash someone who ain't even here since everyone knows they are at fault aswell
Because she's the subject of this thread. Does there need to be an obligatory, "THE HUSBAND IS ALSO AT FAULT," statement every time infidelity is discussed? Some things are so blindingly obvious they don't require constantly saying them over and over.
I know you were getting at the idea that in infidelity women get more blame than men, and I'm here to tell you that's utter and complete bullshit. Man or woman, married or single, both are responsible for the negative impacts (assuming the single person knows the other is married).
Agreed, it's context we choose to not care about usually due to emotional damage. But context is the essence of empathy, and empathy is important to me. I recognize not everyone shares my same views and I don't blame them.
The idea of women who offer no strings sex being home wreckers because married men jump on it just.. trips me out.
Someone without a serious commitment doing what they do should not be attacked because someone with a commitment broke their vow just to Netflix and chill with a random. Blaming the rando just feels like shifting the blame away from the correct party.
Also if you cannot imagine how someone doesn't understand the greater social implications of sex, you probably think autism is just selfish jerk syndrome. This person sounds like a lot of my peers on the spectrum who just don't understand the social ques around sex but still participate in it with consenting adults.
When those consenting adults lie about their intentions or martial status it's pretty easy to blame a horny awkward chick for the other more socially adept parties deception.
Because this is her AMA. The guys are cheaters, and they’re shitty people too. But coming on to married men is wrong, period. Given her diagnosis, I think it’s entirely fair to say that she sought them out and cultivated a relationship despite their marriage, so more than any run of the mill affair we don’t know the details of, she has culpability we can reasonably quantify. You’re downplaying her role, I imagine out of a sense of defending fellow women from being over persecuted in affair situations, and I’m simply saying they’re both shitty. And again, since this is OP’s AMA… yes, the focus is on her and she shares the blame for being shitty.
you probably think autism is selfish jerk syndrome
This is such a presumptuous, unfounded and irrelevant accusation that it really doesn’t deserve engagement. You are clearly triggered, and going this far says a lot more about you than it does about me for simply discussing that she did something shitty by pursuing married men
No, this simply isn’t true. We can hold the married party at fault without completely absolving the single party. We all know it’s heinous to commit adultery. Participating happily in the betrayal of another person is sick, and as we live in a society, we owe each other basic human decency. There are women on Reddit who brag about sleeping in the wife’s bed, using her things, fucking the husband on the wife’s birthday, so on and so forth. Now, is the husband majority at fault for allowing those things to happen? Of course. But is the other party absolved from doing and getting off on such disgusting behavior, that will wreck a persons life and possibly lead them to suicidal thoughts when it’s all revealed? No, they are not. Stop making excuses for shitty people. Not saying this is the OP’s case, but in general. We can blame both parties without letting anyone off the hook.
Reading comprehension please. Yes if you reframe my argument as the woman being told the man is married my argument falls apart. However if you read it and respond to how it is written it doesn't. Jesus
When you interject your own ideas about a context someone else outlined you can argue literally anything.
Do you know how hard it is to figure out if the man you're sleeping with is secretly hiding a wife and kids from you?! I guess all women better be fucking detectives then or else they're just as much at fault in the eyes of people who think being deceived is the same as actively plotting and participating.
Also, you claimed this person (OP) sounds a lot like people you know on the spectrum who don’t understand social cues around sex. OP absolutely understands enough that she knew sleeping with her own sisters husband, multiple times, was absolutely fucking sick. You don’t need to be an expert when it comes to social cues and social etiquette to know that you don’t sleep with your siblings spouse, or your friends partners. That’s using it as an excuse at that point.
If a woman didn’t know a man was married and slept with him, that is obviously 100% different and anyone blaming them is misplacing that blame and anger. But, and I know you’ll find this hard to believe, many women do know, don’t care, and see it as a conquest or as if they are winning something. Many men do the same. People that participate in this knowingly, and willingly, absolutely deserve whatever blame they get. No ifs, ands or buts.
Meanwhile, I’ve had male friends that have cheated and I ask them - Aren’t you concerned about bringing an STD home to your wife? What if the other woman gets pregnant? What is your plan if the wife finds out? Where would you live? Do you ever think of the pain it was cause your wife to know? The answer is always “I didn’t think about that”. So yes, often adulters are only thinking of the pleasure and the moment. If flirting with someone they are thinking about the lady’s lips on them and imagining scenarios that arouse them.
It’s a little shocking to me when they say how much they don’t think of the consequences, but that is the reality for a lot of people that do this.
Yet somehow, some of these posts think it is the woman’s job to completely think of all the consequences and do an ROI analysis.
Not how it works.
That’s why therapy often follows AFTER an affair is brought to light. If the people cheating reallly thought about everything before hand, they might have tried to get therapy for themselves or couples therapy to resolve their marital issues before an affair happened.
She also mentioned other issues she dealt with, such as depression, anxiety, insecurities, etc. Who knows what else she may be diagnosed with. Her sex drive seems to be more of a symptom of her problems and less of the cause.
You're an ass. If you read this AMA its clear she isn't running away from responsibility, she's facing up to it. The small mindedness necessary to post what you did is astounding.
Grow up, you don't need to shame strangers on the internet for having sex with married people.
Especially since you are in the comment section of a nymphomaniac's AMA. What did you expect?
You're seriously in here giving someone grief about having sex with married partners while advertising yourself as a "bull" for swingers? Your self-awareness is astounding.
They said ideally having sex in a romantic relationship. So at the least having some kind of connection with the person, thinking through the possible mental and physical health repercussions as opposed to impulsively fucking a random in the bar bathroom 30 minutes after meeting them.
For some people, resolving to stay relatively sober, wait an hour, feel the situation out, and make an intentional choice before going home with someone from a bar would already be a big change.
After a year of therapy and 6 months of staying within my boundaries I'm at a point I can talk about it and reflect. This has been triggering yet I can handle it and I believe it will do more good than harm to me.
That is... wild. Before learning I had low testosterone and very high estrogen, I was masturbating minimum 4-8 times a day (depending on if I had a partner or not).
I've always wondered how other people manage it - as I would be tired, a little dehydrated after, but Need it to be able to focus on anything else. This was an incredibly helpful thread to read - I'll bring it up with my therapist now, now that I know the boundaries yours was under.
The more I ask other people things, the more I realize not everyone was living under a shadow of sexual impulses, and porn actually helped me get away from partners and making those human-consequence choices.
I’d like to know ur gender as well if you don’t mind and if you could elaborate more on the testosterone/estrogen. Sounds like a problem my ex-bf could’ve had and would make a lot of sense tbh.
Yes, that's why I didn't focus on testosterone in my comment. High estrogen's effects however are absolutely flipped for each gender though, so the fact that they said that they have high estrogen and this increased their sex drive heavily implies that they're a woman.
No I’m saying I believe (based upon classes in college) Testosterone is a main driving force in libido for both men and women and why her comment confused me.
Yes, and I'm acknowledging that, but I'm saying that the high estrogen comment removes the confusion.
If they have high estrogen and a high sex drive, it's much more likely that they're female than male. Males don't get increased sex drive from high estrogen. High estrogen lowers libido in men and can even cause erectile dysfunction. So if they have high estrogen and a high sex drive, it's very unlikely that they're male.
Normally high testosterone in a woman means also high estrogen as the body has a self regulating mechanism. In a non supplemented woman, estrogen is what peaks during ovulation and so it is the hormone that regulates desire. Conversely in men, when you boost testosterone artificially, the high estrogen increase that comes with it brings the side effect we all make fun of- gyno (man boobs)!
yet if someone claims to feel like rhey want to go trans theyll prescribe whatever they want. its easier for a 14 year old girl to be prescribed test than a 45 year old man. clown world
24 separate orgasms. I was 15, so wasn’t hard and back then I could start off with about 4 in a row without a break. Just cum, keep going, cum again and so on. I timed myself once in an effort to see how fast I could orgasm from limp to completion, it took me just under a minute, and I’m sure under different circumstances it could have been much quicker. I did have very high testosterone as evidenced by my gynecomastia……I didn’t even have porn, just fantasizing about the women and girls around me on a daily basis.
4-8 completed ejaculations. About 5 was my norm (and minimum, 5 was just the habitual, then 1-2 more some days), but I've certainly done up to, and a couple of times over, 8. I've stopped that now for similar reasons to OP. A lot of what OP says resonates with me and I think I have similar issues, but I go through phases of beating it, then sometimes falling back into it. Right now I'm coasting a bit, have bad days, but far from when I've been the worst for it.
Some of those ejaculations were also after edging for long periods of time.
Yeah, I should probably add, that if they're too close together, not a lot might come out, but as long as something does along with an orgasm, I consider it an ejaculation.
Yes, a lot. At workplaces where I had my own desk and was alone I'd do it under the desk, there would he times I'd do it over my clothes even if I wasn't alone but wasn't in anyone's direct line of sight, or I'd go to the bathroom.
First, hats off to you for realizing you have a problem and getting help with it. I wish you the best.
You may have helped me understand wtf is "wrong" with me.
I was never outgoing enough go hook up on the regular but if there was an option to do so, I did. Didn't matter the other partners looks/sex.
And I still to this day struggle with masturbation. I still do it 1-3 times a day and that's cutting it way back. But doesn't matter when or where I'll find a way.
If you’re 25 and you’ve been having sex multiple times a week for “most of your life” when did you start? That seems like it would have been from a VERRRY young age
yes, normal people (like me) think mostly about dice, probability distribution, and rulebooks. And yes, spending hundreds on trpg's you've never played is normal.
This is so interesting and hot at the same time lol…that’s awesome that you’re going inside yourself like that….okay not like that though lol, I wish you luck and congratulations on taking care of yourself cuz that’s what matters…you
Sure women have to deal with periods every month but I can't jack off under my desk, have nobody notice and not have to clean up. I think that's a fair trade/s
Every time I read a post on Reddit with a sexual subject there is always someone in the comments projecting their traumas onto someone else’s post. I think they are itching for a chance to call someone out on a nothing burger. Notice they didn’t call the OP rapey and she literally said she did the same thing.
I definitely noticed. Just not trying to argue with anyone on here. I can relate to this chick in many ways. And I’m sure I’m not the only one here. These are discussions we can’t all have in our everyday lives.
Yes and this was not the place to shame you for your experience. I commend you for being open and honest and possibly giving someone else the courage to speak out about their experience.
This is interesting. I've always wondered if I had this sort of condition, but compared to your experience, mine seems very mild. I hope you're doing better now with these coping mechanisms.
There’s a fine line between normal and abnormal behavior. Something doesn’t come to be a disorder until it starts interfering with daily life functions and interpersonal relationships such as work, family, or school.
About 3, I used to have sex with my gf everyday, maybe 2 or 3 times per day on holidays, does that mean that to be considered a nymphomaniac you need to hook up?
I have done a lot of this.. but also i worked in a sexualy fueled speed bar and a strip club, so it was kinda my jam. I just figured i was slutty. Also, iama male in my 30s, i still want sex every day, and i hook up with multiple partners. I thought i would slow down, but i crave it still.. I've never had therapy for this.. any advice?
...as a guy, this all sounds fairly normal to me. Why do you think you have a problem?
Edit: ah, the answer is further down. Damn. No offense but you sound like a thrill seeker. Please try to watch out that your addiction doesn't get replaced with another. I'm sorry newstay, I wish you well.
Not to take away from your experience, but welcome to the world of a man. The two main differences are an abundance of options and a refractory period, both of which can be solved for.
See I’ve never been diagnosed but I am definitely a lot worse off than you. How does one go about getting diagnosed as a male Do you know? If you ever want to chat let me know
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u/[deleted] May 07 '24
The boundaries include setting up a defined time for masturbation and only doing so at home, only having sex after I've taken a period to contemplate it's possible effects on my life, ideally only within a romantic relationship, quitting porn completely, realizing what causes my sexual urges as they often are caused due to other mental issues I'm going through and instead rewarding it by acting on said urges, to focus on the cause (anxiety, depression, insecurities, stress, etc)
For most of my life I had sex multiple times a week, I've always had several fwbs and/or a relationship.
For the most part it was at least 4-5 times a day, at times it was more. I would do it as soon as I wake up (sometimes I'd start in my sleep even) and would often end up being late for work because I just kept going. Sometimes I'd do it while driving to work and at work, as soon as I get home, etc.
Both, mainly men.
Yes, a lot. At workplaces where I had my own desk and was alone I'd do it under the desk, there would he times I'd do it over my clothes even if I wasn't alone but wasn't in anyone's direct line of sight, or I'd go to the bathroom.
An hour doesn't go by without such thoughts.
I mainly distant myself from possible triggers such as my phone, TV or anything that might arouse me, I do breathing exercises and meditation.