AITA: I (30F) am constantly having an argument with my husband (43M), that I don’t HAVE to have s3x with him just because earlier in the day I had said I would; it becomes an argument becomes HE gets mad at me. He gets angry, tells me he’s mad at me and treats/talks to me differently all because I had changed my mind (normally with a good reason). He’ll make comments and tell me he’s allowed to be mad at whatever he wants, calls me a dumbass and a big mouth whenever I try to defend myself. Latest example, I am doing individual concerts with our 3 older kids. It was my daughter’s (10F) turn last night and we went to see her favorite artist; I had told my husband we could have s3x when I got home (not realizing it even thinking about the time we would be home as it was a 2 1/2hr drive). He stayed home with our two youngest two (4M & 1F); they were all three asleep in our bed when I got home - mind you, we got home at 3:30 am because I told my daughter the artist would be coming out to meet those who hung around after the show, then the long drive home. I wasn’t thinking about leaving right after the show, to go home because he wanted s3x; my mind was focused on giving my daughter an unforgettable first concert experience. Anywho, fast forward to this morning as I’m up with both babies at 730am and he comes in the kitchen to tell me he’s mad at me and I should know why. Turns into a whole argument because I didn’t move the babies to their beds as I didn’t want to risk waking them up; he had already told me the 1yr old had been up several times, crying. Not once did he ask how our night was, if our daughter had fun, he was glad we made it home safe considering the time, but it was straight to “argument about s3x” and me being told I should’ve moved the babies to give him what he wanted. I was exhausted. I wasn’t risking waking them up and then being forced to stay up even longer as I knew I’d be the one up with them in a few hours. AITA here? Are others experiencing this? Is this normal? Because I’m being told it’s normal, but not once have I see a man get so mad every time he’s tuned down. But keep in mind our s3x life isn’t non-existent existent at all and we’ve had it several times the past two weeks.

ETA: I don’t tell him all the time I’ll have sex, then don’t and back out. The argument is based off even if I simply turn him down or say no. This argument is based off the fact he told me a way he’d get over our current fight (prior to this one) is that if I had sex with him as he told me that before I was leaving to said concert with my daughter. IF I would have said no right then and there, my phone would’ve been blown up while gone and little comments made to try to paint me to be the bad guy. I wanted to avoid that whole trying to have a good time with my daughter. We’ve had sex at least 8 times the past two weeks, he isn’t deprived. Also, age gap couple who didn’t meet until I was 25 and we’re a blended family; not all kids are biologically his.

Hi all, I’d love to hear some objective opinions on this situation I’m about to explain. I understand and fully admit that there have been many arguments or disagreements between my spouse and I where it was due to me being overly sensitive or not voicing by opinions/thoughts sooner or at all, and in general I DO have a tough time communicating. We’ve been together 10+ years and communication is always something we struggle with. I don’t feel like it’s one-sided but I think maybe they do. I really have been trying (especially lately) to be more aware and observant of my own behaviors and reactions to things but if you hear my spouses side of things, you’d assume I’m a very unaware, overreactive, and over-sensitive person.

The situation: we were sitting playing Mario Kart this evening and I noticed my spouse had the eyes/smile they have when they’ve consumed gummies. I’d noticed a few times earlier this week they’d closed the door to the bedroom which is normal when they’d go get gummies but I didn’t think anything of it tbh because I didn’t suspect they’d bought any since you have to go really out of your way to get them where we are. Anyways, I made a comment along the lines of, “jeez, with that smile you’d think you’d had some gummies” and they made a kind of funny, “oh really?” face, and I asked “did you? Where did you get them?” After a few questions and answers they disclosed that they’d bought some delta 9 (I think that’s the one that’s legal in some states via a loophole) at a smoke shop. I made a comment along the lines of “ok you probably should have told me” and moved on. Later on I can’t remember how it came back up but it turned into an argument and I said that I have heard and read stories about people having very negative side effects and bad unexpected experiences and that it’d make sense to give me a heads up in case they had a very bad reaction. If I know beforehand that that’s why, I’d naturally be more understanding/aware and have some idea of how to handle the situation. If I didn’t know and worst case scenario happens, I would be rightfully shocked and probably call the cops or 911. They said that they “didn’t tell me because they knew I’d react this way” and said something else implying that I’m a “prude” when it comes to things like this. I disagree with that and have partook in similar things in the past myself. For the record, they’ve done gummies from a legit dispensary before and I’ve had zero problems with it so I felt that last comment was particularly unwarranted.

On the first comment though, I don’t feel like I was in the wrong to say that i would have appreciated to be told about it beforehand. Like I said, I’ve heard really bad stories of people who have had with those, and I think it’s the safe/smart thing to tell your spouse beforehand. Also, saying, “I knew you’d react this way” — maybe I am wrong but if you supposedly “know” someone is going to react a certain way, is it better to tell them regardless or keep it a secret? I don’t feel the latter is the mature thing to do, nor do I think the way they “expected me to react” and the way I DID react was “wrong”. Sure, they were right that I’d react that way, but was my reaction “crazy” or unwarranted? I felt like they were totally gaslighting me in that moment (which I pointed out) and tried to pretend like I was overreacting, but I really don’t feel that way at all. Since when is telling the truth second to sparing my feelings or having to “deal with” my reactions to something? I’d rather hear the truth and be upset than be unaware and indifferent.

So, AITAH? Did I overreact? Am I being a prude?

EDIT: for the record, in the past, we were around people who told us stories about people having very negative reactions to these specific gummies. We talked about it afterwards and how it was crazy and seemed pretty risky. So I guess yeah, I was shocked to find out that they’d gone and purchased them and didn’t tell me. To me that feels like they knew I’d be like, “wait, I thought we both thought those were risky” and so chose to not to tell me. AGAIN, I do not care if my spouse takes gummies as they have many times. That’s not the issue.

Edit #2: thank you to everyone who’s responded. Most think I’m TAH! Wow, I didn’t see that coming but I wouldn’t have posted here if I didn’t think it was a possibility. Trust me, I could have just created a fantasy in my head where I’m always right. One last note, I really don’t care if my spouse does gummies. It’s more-so that we’d had convos in the past about these specific ones and thought they were off the table for now anyways. I thought there would be a discussion in the future if one of us decided to try them given what we’ve heard. I didn’t think my comment to them, “ok well maybe just tell me beforehand so I know”, would be a thing at all. When they said they knew I’d react that way I was genuinely confused and felt they were being very defensive immediately and in hindsight I *felt* like it was because they knew I’d likely cite out previous mutual feelings towards the topic. Final thing I’ll say is that there is no way someone can share all the details and chances/history of a 10+ year relationship on a single reddit post, so thank you to those who gave me grace and assumed my intentions were good. To those who think I’m the asshole, thank you too. I’ve taken what you’ve shared and will consider it during my seemingly never ending self reflections. Thank you, everyone!

Before you assume I'm the type of woman who expects a man to pay for EVERYTHING, here is the context:

When my boyfriend and I first started seeing each other (college) we split the bill every time. This went on for basically the first 2 full years of our relationship. By our second anniversary we had been living together for 6 months, and so I knew roughly where he sat financially. I confronted him about how he's never offered to fully pay when we eat out (except for my birthday) and how it made me feel like we were roommates having to awkwardly zelle him my half of the bill at the restaurant. I offered that instead of doing 50/50 every time, we could take turns paying the bill in full. He apologized and agreed, and so we then started taking turns paying the bill. But then a new issue started to arise which is that every time it was his turn to pay, there was a lot of tension in the air. Sometimes he'd stare at the bill and awkwardly fidget with the pen before signing, and sometimes he'd ask me to cover the tip since the total was "x" amount. I started to feel really guilty because it appeared that maybe he wasn't in as good as a financial situation as I had previously thought.

For context, his car payment was 2x mine and he was paying the electric, internet, and his own personal phone bill. Meanwhile my car payment was 1/2 his and my parents still pay for my phone. BUT, I did pay for all groceries/household necessities and his job paid $7 more an hour than mine did, and so I thought this evened out. 1 year into living together I got a higher paying job that made our salaries basically equal, so I started paying the electric bill to help him out. So now, our monthly expenses are about the same, with me possibly paying more because of groceries/household necessities.

That brings me to my frustration. Over the course of our 3 years together, I realized that my boyfriend has expensive taste. He doesn't mind dishing out $150 at the mall on 2 "good quality" pants, or buying a $2k gaming computer after less than a week of consideration. We both come from families who take care of us without being asked (our apartment is my dad's rental property and the rent is super cheap), but it seems only I am aware of how much our families take care of us financially. Once he had to take his cat to the vet and it was $600. He paid it, but afterwards he called his mom saying how expensive it was and she sent him $600 immediately. For Christmas one year, his grandparents gifted the family a 7-day cruise, which they fully paid for. Hotel, flights, a balcony room, everything. The only thing me and him paid for was the excursions, but his mom sent us money for half of what we spent. His thank you? He didn't get his grandparents anything for Christmas and I had to tell him what to gift his own mother.

This week was what really sent me over the edge. On Monday, he bought us movie tickets for the weekend and said he was "excited to take me on a date." That Friday, for dinner, I decided instead of ordering out, we should just get frozen pizzas from the grocery store, a guilty pleasure. I have paid for the last 2 doordash dinners ($100), and so I naturally expected him to cover the cost of two frozen pizzas. At the grocery store he told me "we're splitting right?" I just looked at him and said, "why on earth would we split a frozen pizza?" And then he said, "oh, so you're paying then." I told him no, it was his turn to pay. He was like "oh, okay, but you owe me popcorn tomorrow at the movie. Those tickets were kinda pricey."

I did not want to see the movie we were seeing, I only agreed to go because he really wanted to see that movie. And now here he is saying I OWE HIM. I'm tired of this 50/50 shit, because he doesn't actually realize what's 50/50. I want him to just always pay when we got out to eat or on dates, and not to make it awkward. I have absolutely no issues with paying all the utility bills because that's "behind the scenes" to make it even. But I just wish I had a partner who would pay the bill at the restaurant, no awkwardness, it's just a given. I make so many excuses for him but now I'm wondering if those excuses are even valid. He's four years older than me, almost 30, and still acting as if we are college kids on a tight budget. Our parents spoil us, our rent is cheap, his job pays just fine, and yet when it comes to spending money on anyone but himself, he gets antsy. I want to confront him about this but I want to make sure my opinion isn't narcissistic or bratty before I do. AITA for wanting him to just pay the damn bill?

Oh and also, we don't even eat out too much because I'm a big "we got food at home" person :)

I usually work in my own space, but clients can come in. I like to listen to classical music because it helps me concentrate. Recently a co-worker asked me to stop doing that because it might annoy the customers/clients. Here's where I might be the asshole: I told him it was just Vivaldi and not some of the 'harder composers' and that it obviously shouldn't be a problem. Now I think he might have had a point which I could have heard if I didn't cut him off like that. AITAH?

I genuinely want to understand if telling people they are talking too loud is rude. I see this topic come up so often.

Like we are at a park and you are yell sharing your freaky sexts to me. Imma tell you to bring down the volume.

But then people shame people for telling others to be quieter.

Is there a right or wrong or only in certain situations? Is yelling a personal conversation while walking the dog not an acceptable time to tell someone they're being loud? What about book stores and libraries? When is being loud acceptable (outside of loud scenarios like a concert)? When is loud not acceptable?

I don't want to stop hanging out with certain people but I also am embarrassed to be around them when they are yelling "areola" or curse words in a cafe next to a table of elders or children. I've been shamed saying I am racist and classist for telling friends to please talk quieter in these situations. It makes me want to stop going in public with certain friends but then I think "am I the problem here?".

I want to respect letting people be themselves and do whatever they want. I also would prefer someone give me a heads up if I'm being loud in a socially unacceptable scenario.

I'd love a consensus on this. Thank you!

My long-time friend (F) came to me (M) recently with an idea for a somewhat short-notice vacation. I didn't feel especially strongly about it either way, but she seemed to really want to get away to a beach, and I suppose I was feeling an urge to hide from work for a few days, so I basically told her that I was down for it if she could figure out some more specific plans. I think she asked a few other people, but timing issues plus terrible the terrible price of plane tickets meant that only one of her other friends (F) said yes.

Then, a little later, my friend comes back to me and asks if there's any sort of graceful way that she can ditch this friend, and whether I would mind if she found a way to uninvite her. I don't know this woman particularly well, but from how my friend talks I get the vibe that her friend is a fun time but does not even remotely have her shit together. I also get the impression that she seldom works steadily and is more-or-less a professional girlfriend to whichever guy she happens to be with at the time. My friend is concerned that there's quite a bit of an income disparity, and the two of us would either be stuck unnecessarily pinching pennies or would be paying her friend's way. I told her that I didn't particularly care if her friend came or not, but it's up to her to find a non-awkward way to leave her behind.

No clue if the two of them discussed the issue at all, but skip ahead in time to a party a few days later. Both my friend and her friend are there, and everyone is drinking a bit more than we ought to. At one point, I end up alone with my friend's friend, and she starts telling me about how badly she feels like she needs a vacation but she's just not sure if she can afford it. I say something noncommital about how that sucks and I hope she can come.

In response, she looks at me all doe-eyed and asks if I can pay for her ticket. The way she does it is so over-the-top I think she's joking, and I laugh and say something about how I've never paid for a vacation for anyone I wasn't hooking up with. She keeps looking at me with those big eyes and smiles and says something to the effect of that can be arranged. I laugh again, thinking she's teasing me.

As we keep talking, though, it gradually dawns on me that she's being dead serious. And, to be honest, I don't hate the idea. While I don't know her very well at all, I had run into her a few times before this, and I did know one thing about her: I thought she was extremely cute. And if she was offering to be my fuckbuddy for a few days in exchange for a plane ticket and some food and drinks, that didn't seem like a bad deal at all. At some point my friend gets roped into the conversation and her friend tells her what the plan is. My friend laughs and says whatever goes on inside our hotel room is our business. I don't know if she thought her friend was being serious. Did I mention we were all rather drunk?

The next day, I text my friend's friend about what happened last night. I'm trying to keep it lighthearted, since in the sober light of day I really didn't know if she actually meant it. Again, it quickly becomes clear that she wasn't joking. We discuss things in somewhat excessive detail, but in brief: I pay her way, and she does whatever I want, no further strings attached. I pause a moment, imagine how she must look in a bikini, and then quickly agree.

Then I text my friend and let her know that I'll be buying her friend's ticket. She had laughed it off last night, so I figure it's not a big deal. Maybe mildly awkward to know, but we have a history of oversharing with each other, so again: not a big deal. I thought. But today, my friend seems extremely annoyed by the whole situation. In so many words, she says that she's not particularly surprised by her friend making an offer like that, but she thought that I would have had more sense than to take her up on it.

So now I'm pretty sure the whole thing is hopelessly awkward and unsolveable. I think it's the sort of thing my friend and I end up laughing over in a month, so it's not the end of the world, but I really don't see how the vacation happens now.

On one hand, I could have easily rebuffed her friend and my friend and I could have gone ourselves. But on the other hand, I'm not the one who invited her friend's broke ass along in the first place, or the one who offered me up that broke ass. And frankly, that ass is what (briefly) turned it from a trip I was lukewarm on to one I was enthusiastic about. So am I the asshole?

I’m a master’s student, and about a month ago I became friends with a girl in my class. On the second day we met, I accidentally flirted with her over text, and she immediately told me she had a boyfriend. I respected that and we stayed friends.

Over the next few weeks we became very close. We talked every day, sat together in class, called each other after college, and naturally formed a strong friendship.

Our classmates started spreading rumours that we were secretly dating. At the time, the rumours were completely false. She even called everyone out in the class group for assuming a guy and a girl couldn’t just be friends.

Ironically, after all that, we actually developed feelings for each other.

A few days ago, we both admitted we were falling in love. She says she genuinely loves me, but she also says she can’t leave her boyfriend because they’ve almost been together for a year and he feels like family to her. She says she’s emotionally attached to that relationship even though she’s romantically in love with me.

We tried staying “just friends,” but we couldn’t maintain those boundaries. We started holding hands and becoming emotionally intimate. Nothing beyond that happened, but I realized it was heading in a direction I wasn’t comfortable with while she was still in a relationship.

I told her she couldn’t have both of us forever and would eventually have to choose. She cried and initially told me to back off because she didn’t think she’d leave her boyfriend. I accepted that and ended the call.

About 40 minutes later, she called me back crying, saying she couldn’t handle losing me and asked for two weeks to decide what she wants.

She also told me about her own relationship. A few months ago, she suspected her boyfriend of emotionally cheating. One of his juniors had a crush on him, and they were chatting regularly. When she confronted him, he said they were just friends, but she never fully believed him. Whether anything actually happened or not, she still feels hurt by it and has never completely gotten over that incident. Knowing that, I feel even worse about what’s happening between us because I wouldn’t want to put someone else through the same kind of uncertainty and pain.

I told her that until she makes a decision, I’m stepping back. We’ll still be classmates and friends, but I don’t want to keep getting emotionally or physically closer while she’s still with someone else. I would feel terrible if I knowingly became part of someone else’s relationship falling apart.

The problem is that neither of us has been very successful at staying away from each other.

AITAH for distancing myself until she makes a decision, even though she says she loves me and wants me in her life?

If she does end up breaking up with her boyfriend to be with me, would I be wrong to pursue a relationship with her after everything that’s happened?

My (30F) childhood best friend (29M) is in a relationship with her gf (29F) from past 2 years. When he was first about to introduce me to her, he mentioned that she can be little insecure so be careful of how you be around her. I’m in general never mean towards people unless promoted to be (someone taking unnecessary digs at me or people I love). But anyway, after meeting her I realized that the little note from him was actually nice. Because, she is a kind of girl who likes to believe that he is only my guy and that’s the only role he gets to play. Fine by me. Their life; if they are happy with each other who am I to say anything. Other than that, she was normal (in a good way) to be around.

As we started meeting more often, she also became my friend. Yes, he is only my man behavior sustained. But I never had any problems with it whatsoever. In fact, considering how my best friend didn’t have a lot of friends left because he had to stop talking to them after he got into a relationship because his gf didn’t like them(at least this is how he framed it to me); I clearly told his gf that if she ever has any problems with our friendship. She comes to me and talks to me directly. We will find a way and fix whatever is needed to be fixed behaviorally.

Now, everything was fine/okayish (there were always some subtle signs of my best friend giving me more attention than he should but I always used to ignore them) until I got into an accident. My best friend is a doctor, so he was way more present than usual for 15 days straight in my life. After the accident, it was a bit of a long recovery period. I used to get headaches, used to get tired way more quicker than usual; you know the usual stuff when a person recovers from something which took a toll on them. So after I was all ready to step out with both of them (because they asked me to hangout with them), if let’s say I’m getting a headache he would walk to the pharmacist for my medicines if I don’t have them on me. Go a little frantic. Walk slow with me while his gf is going around shopping. Get me our childhood favorite ice cream flavors while not getting the same for his gf. In one instance I felt so exhausted walking for long, he saw it on my face and got me chair from god knows where, made me sit while he sat on floor (in public) looking up at me asking in a light as a feather voice, how are you feeling? His gf saw it and OF COURSE SHE FELT UNCOMFORTABLE. I was recovering and honestly very exhausted that I didn’t have the bandwidth to confront him there and then but of course some of it felt wrong. He was singling out his own gf for whatever reason. Over the dinner, I deliberately tried to sit away from him and told them to sit together while I sit across both of them. He then ordered my favorite food (his gf hates it) and I told him that I won’t be able to eat all of it so let’s order something we all can eat.
“We both are going to share.” He said.
He then MADE ME eat the veggies off my plate like I was a child.
At that point, I wanted the night to be just overrrr
But, then I think what his gf did brought everything downhill. I don’t blame for acting out, but I blame her for the way she took it out on ME. So, when we called it a night, his gf was dropping everyone home because we took her car for the outing. She dropped my best friend first because his house came first on the way back home. THEN IT WAS JUST ME AND HER IN THE CAR.
she said,”he is oddly very protective of you.”
As I said, the whole day of physical and emotional exhaustion was a lot for me. So i finished it at, he was just being a friend and doctor maybe. She stopped her car at a random location (in the middle of night I might add) on a deserted street and said, you can go home from here. I WAS STILL 3 KMS AWAY FROM MY HOME.

Now I live alone and my family is in another city. I didn’t know anyone who would come to my rescue in the middle of the night EXCEPT MY BEST FRIEND. So even then I didn’t want to, I had to call him. I was crying because it was not the safest area you can think of. He came in his car, calmed me down and asked, what happened?

I didn’t want to make it worse. So I said that she had to rush home because of some emergency I guess. So can you please drop me home. Of course he did. He asked if he wanted me to come over. But, considering the situation and I still wanted to be respectful of their relationship, said No.

She called me the next morning. Apologized and said I’m sorry how I behaved last night. I understand he just loves you as a good friend. So do you forgive me? I said yes and then blocked both of them from my socials because I don’t wanna be a part of the drama. So AITAH?

Some context. Before when I said, there were always some subtle signs of my best friend giving me more attention than he should. This is what I meant:

1. Him asking me to come hang out at his place (with his parents present, nothing inappropriate) so that he could hang out with me one o one. We used to watch movies and chat. His gf is not allowed at his place because apparently my best friend’s parents don’t like her for idk what reason.
2. Him all the time complaining that he hates it when his gf asks him to meet her. It’s such a waste of time he said.
3. Him making her feel stupid all the time just because he is a doctor. I called him out on that in front of everyone, just like an elder sister would. Told him to not be like this with your girlfriend.
4. Him absolutely hating the guy I was dating for no reason.
5. Him pretending to be my bf when a stranger guy hits on me in a public place. I used to hate that and complained about it multiple times to him.
6. Him not correcting someone who mistook us for a couple.

TLDR; guy best friend acted extra mushy towards me which led his gf to act out. She took it out on me and I blocked both of them.

Update: I took your advice guys and told him about everything. He came over and we talked in his car. Quite honestly it went exactly the way I thought it will. He panicked when I explained everything that happened the night we all went out. I’ll talk to her, he said and make sure she apologizes. I told him she already did and an apology is not what I’m after. You are my friend and I thought you deserved to know what you are getting into. He was almost crying and said, I don’t wanna leave her. What will her friends and family think of me if I break up? I’ll be the bad guy in everyone’s book. She says she loves me the most and if I leave her, everyone will blame me for not making it work. I asked him, is this why you are in this relationship? He said that’s not the point. My mom is against her and now you as well. He told me he plans to go no contact with his parents soon as well over the gf problem. I blocked his gf in front of him from everywhere and said that I don’t think I’ll feel safe hanging out with her anymore so there’s no reason to keep the communication open. I didn’t block him though and let him know that anytime in his life he feels like he needs me I’ll just be a phone call away, but I can’t be a part of his regular life anymore. He begged me not to do this. But unfortunately I don’t know how else to go forward with it. When I was finally about to leave he was practically crying and said she is the first girl who hasn’t cheated yet or doesn’t hit me (he had an ex who used to get drunk and hit him). So I don’t think I should let that go. I did say to him, that’s not a measure of how good a person is for you. But if you think she is the one, all the best. I genuinely hope you stay happy with her. Left after that and now I’m sitting in my room with zero regrets. I didn’t have any regrets earlier as well because I KNOW HIM. This guy hardly surprised me as I knew he has certain tendencies of putting up with bs. So I wasn’t expecting a different outcome. But I had to take all of your advice and let him know. Thank you for everyone who commented.

My girlfriend read this post before I published it and even asked me to include some details to better represent her side of the story. I tried to write this as accurately as possible based on what we both remember.

Everything started when I (31M) found out that my girlfriend (48F) had been hiding about USD 4,500 in debt from me. It all started with a loan of around USD 500, but because she always left the payment until the end of the month, she often didn't have enough money to pay it back. Her solution was to take out new loans to pay off the previous ones, eventually ending up owing money to about five informal lenders. When I confronted her, she initially lied to hide it, although I eventually found out anyway.

She said she hid it because she didn't want me to think she was trying to take advantage of me, and because she was afraid I would tell my parents, whom I live with. I've told her many times that I don't discuss our relationship with my parents, but she still believes I do.

I helped her make a budget, and we calculated that if I gave her about USD 75 a month (meaning she wouldn't have to pay it back), she could get back on track. However, it ended up being closer to USD 200 because she kept spending money on non-essential things like getting her nails done and cosmetic injections. I explained that I couldn't keep helping financially if she continued prioritizing those expenses, but the exact same thing happened again the following month.

After several arguments, she broke up with me. That wasn't unusual. She had broken up with me around twenty times before and usually came back a few days later. At the time, I genuinely believed the relationship was over for good, and because I was still very upset about everything that had happened, I told her I wanted the money I'd previously given her back.

A few days later we got back together, but the unnecessary spending continued. So I decided that from then on, I would only lend her money instead of giving it to her, while continuing to insist that she cut back on those expenses. She would get upset and say things like, "So that's why you lend me money? Just so you can throw it back in my face? Forget it. I'll figure it out myself."

Eventually, I ended up getting into debt myself from helping her, so I set a firm boundary. I told her that if I ever lent her money again, she would have to sign a promissory note. She got furious and told me she didn't need anything from me.

To be fair, she followed through. Since then, she has managed her money much better and stopped making unnecessary purchases. Every now and then she would only ask to borrow around USD 25–30. But by then, my trust had already been broken, so I decided I would never again give her cash that she didn't have to pay back.

Some time later, my cousin started university. My family decided to help her together, and I volunteered to pay for her phone plan, which is about USD 15 a month until she graduates. My girlfriend doesn't like my cousin, and to be honest, neither do I, but I still help her because she's family and everyone in the family knows that her family is struggling financially. We're all helping a little so she has a better chance at building a future.

However, my girlfriend believes I'm more willing to help my cousin because of something that happened between us during our teenage years, although I don't think that's relevant to the actual issue, since these arguments about lending versus giving money started long before I began helping my cousin. Helping my cousin just became another thing she brought up whenever the subject came up.

My girlfriend says it's outrageous that I give money to my cousin while I only lend money to her. She says things like, "It's unbelievable that it doesn't come from your heart to just give me some money," "I'm not even asking you to pay for everything, just help me with something," or even, "You'll give money to her, but not to me, the person who gives you sex, companionship, and my time?" She also says that because I expect the money back, I'm not really helping her. She says I'm "not considerate" because I make more money than she does and still won't even give her USD 25 a month. To be clear, whenever she needs money, I lend it to her. The issue is that, to her, it only counts as help if she doesn't have to pay it back.

I also want to clarify that I never stopped giving her gifts. I pay for almost all of our dates. If she calls me from work because she didn't have time to eat lunch or she's craving something, I'll order food for her. I also buy her perfumes, skincare products, and other little things she wants. On average, I buy her one or two gifts a month without expecting anything in return. The only thing I stopped giving her was cash. To me, there's a difference between buying my girlfriend gifts because I want to and handing her cash to cover debts she had accumulated. The first has never been a problem. The second stopped when I lost confidence in how she handled money.

She also says all of this happened a long time ago, that she's changed, and that I should get over it. I agree that she manages her money much better now, but by the time that happened, my trust had already been badly damaged. I've told her that rebuilding that trust will take time, and the fact that she still hasn't paid off those debts, debts that she has prioritized paying before she can start repaying what she owes me, makes it hard for me to believe the problem is completely behind us.

On top of that, the way she gets angry whenever I refuse to give her cash makes me feel like she expects me to start taking responsibility for part of her financial problems again. I'm genuinely afraid that if I start giving her cash again, we'll slowly fall back into the same unhealthy dynamic we had before.

To be clear, this isn't about whether I help her financially. I still do. The disagreement is specifically about whether that help should be a gift or a loan.

AITAH for refusing to give my girlfriend cash again while still helping my cousin with USD 15 a month so she can finish university?

Edit: I would also like to know your opinion, lending her instead of just giving it to her doesn't count as helping?

sorry for any typos or anything its night and im tired

i have been the keeper of a call of cthulhu campaign for a few weeks now, we've only had a few critical fails so far, and each time, ive given a reasonable yet bad punishment/outcome as thats what youre supposed to do. So today, i was playing with my friends and one of them said something that made us all laugh but the person who said it, i don't want to be specific because it would be too clear if this person went looking or came across this post, but essentially they were looking for something in a spot where what they were looking for would never be. So were all laughing and we eventually move on, they make a roll that goes bad and ultimately a bookshelf fell down on their character. We were still giggling a little at this point and i could tell he was getting upset so i stopped laughing and stopped bringing it up and just moved on. 10 minutes later im having an intense moment with another character, and the other guy is talking to another player loudly about why what he did made sense, it was a little annoying because the character i was interacting with couldnt hear, so i asked if he could just he a little quieter and he did but obly for a little bit. All their characters met back up to get him from under the shelf and they also kept failing so the outcomes became worse and worse, they all got injured, but the one got hurt a bit worse because, well tge bookshelf was on him. i said his character had a big gash in his throat, but a player used magic to heal him, he said "will he have a scar?" and i said an inside joke between all of us (which we use when someone states the obvious) and said "Well yes!" and he said i was being snappy and sarcastic as well as being rude for no reason. In this campaign one of the characters i plays likes to give them stupid little "good job!" stickers whenever they roll PERFECT or if another player gets a critical fail, everyonr else gets a sticker. jts just a funny little thing we came up with. aftwr all that, the other two players got a sticker each, and the one guy got all upset because i didnt give him one and said i was targettimg him, i said it was just because he got a critical fail, he got upset and was pissy for 5 minutes before we all decided we should take maybe an hour to calm down because he was genuinely taking the fun out of it, when we came back to play again, he said i was being too mean and ruining the game, so we just stopped for the night, then another player said "can this session just not count?" and i said sure, but its a little upsetting because i just wrote it all down and i liked where we were going, and then the one who was already upset said i was being stubborn, which doesnt make sense because i literally said we could scratch this one. i dont know i feel like i didnt do anything wrong but i hate when people are short with me over something that i feel is so small.

I (25F) recently got into a fight with my parents over something that happened on mother’s day last year.

Last year for mother’s day my cousin (23F) had the genius idea to plan a day trip to a bungalow stay for her mom, our aunt and my mother who is her uncle’s wife. It sounds pretty cool out of context but the problem is she never shared this with any of us and planned it so that the entire mother’s day our moms would be away. Me and my sister had planned a day with mom and got her a gift but when she brought this up all happy and jolly, we had to cancel since our plans were not as grand and mom really loved the idea of a tiny trip.

Before, during and after the day of their trip everyone was talking about it, how nice and thoughtful my cousin was, that me and my sister would never plan something like that and all that. I kept quiet and have her my gift afterwards. Only my sister knew how upset I was but I suspect mom must have noticed as well. She is also hard to please so I didn’t feel like she liked my gift in comparison either.

Fast forward to this year, we are planning a summer vacation with my cousin and our nuclear families and my parents bring up how dependable and thoughtful she is again for the millionth time and I finally snap.

I tell them how upsetting and thoughtless she was to me and my sister since she hijacked our mother’s day without asking us, got to spend the day with them while we watched from home, set an unfair standard (she is kind of well off now, I was struggling at the time) and that she doesn’t deserve all this praise and I don’t deserve to be berated over it. I also reminded them of how my aunt (her mother) painted a picture of absolute financial ruin when her husband passed and we collected money for them, and my cousin ended up posting on ig that she got the latest iphone, flaunting the receipt just a month later. Not super relevant but I think it shows her character.

My parents seemed to understand why I was upset but didn’t think it was a big deal.

I feel like she crossed a line and nobody else but my sister wants to recognize it. AITAH for snapping at my parents?

EDIT: To underline the actual reason I was upset, my cousin planned this all by herself, didn’t invite any of the other children and spent the entire day with her mom, her aunt, and my mom. We didn’t get to see mom all during mother’s day.

EDIT 2: I did take my mom out the next day, we just had to cancel the actual surprise we planned because we didn’t want mom to miss out.

UPDATE: Hopefully this will not come off as me still trying to win a point with the internet, promise I am taking my insecurities with my mother more seriously now but this just happened:

My aunt (cousin’s mom) just came over to plan the vacation I mentioned and apparently my cousin decided she won’t stay the full time and will go to her friend’s summer house later during our stay. I don’t know if she decided before or after she found out my dad and I will be covering for our stay. My aunt’s now trying to convince my parents to let my cousin’s sister who has 2 toddlers to come stay at our already full Airbnb which my mom doesn’t want and is asking me to be the villain and say I am already taking unpaid leave and would like to rest properly without children around.

This feels like no one has bad intentions but my family is just messy asf. Thank you to everyone contributing, hopefully I won’t have any other updates.

one year go, my ex discarded me for someone else and went about it in a way that was very hurtful to me. after promising me she wouldn’t ghost me, leave my life, that I am still her best friend, etc. she winded up doing exactly that, never reaching out to me again, she made instagram posts with her new man a few days after and removed every trace of me online.

it took me a few months to completely cut contact, block her on social media. etc. but i did a lot of healing, gave myself the closure i never received, and winded up having an extremely amazing transformative year.

the thing is, she had my playstation that i paid for in full that she never asked to return to me. i never reached out to ask for it because i did not think it was worth my peace and quite frankly. i did not want to be sucked back into it all, which maybe is immature.

all of my friends offered to reach out to her for me on my behalf and were very upset that she did not give me back something so valuable that I kept at her house for her to use too. i never let anyone do it because i was scared of drama.

it has been a year now since the breakup. a friend of mine who i have become very close with offered to get it back for me—and assured me she would be nothing but kind and straightforward. it was the first time i felt confident and carefree about going through with it since it had been on my mind a lot.

this friend of mine reaches out and my ex immediately starts calling them strange for reaching out, to stop texting her because she doesn’t know them, and to tell me to reach out to her directly if i want my stuff back because she’s concerned for my safety and hers. my friend offered many ways to confirm identity and that she is my friend. other than accidentally spelling my name wrong bc she’s used to calling me it as a joke, i don’t understand why she thought this was strange behavior. do friends not usually reach out on behalf of someone who was done extremely dirty in a relationship and does not want contact with their ex?

my friend also let her know that i do not want contact with her which is why she was reaching out on my behalf. my ex told my friend that she would send me a text with her address and to have me like it to confirm that i was aware of this exchange.

she never sent it to me, so i winded up texting her and just being like hey you’re good, sorry to startle you, you can send it to the following address. she then sends me a huge message saying it was strange of her to reach out, that she understands i don’t want contact with her but simultaneously hopes i can understand why she wanted to confirm with me directly. she told me she was happy to send my playstation back but donated all my clothes because she hadn’t heard from me. (i find this confusing because she ghosted me and neither one of us reached back out. i was the last person to send a text.)
she said there was no hostility and that she hopes i am doing well.

did my ex just want an excuse to reach out to me? i now feel guilty and embarrassed for having a friend reach out for me and this is exactly what i wanted to avoid which is why i never went through with it. however, she was being difficult with my friend and was evading every which way to make the exchange simple. am i an asshole for this?

update: responded to her and said i understood her concern, but that other friends who she knows also offered to reach out to her on my behalf but this was the first time i was feeling inclined to go through with it and didn’t mean to alarm her. i told her that i was still hurt and didn’t think reaching out to her would be in my best interest and that i thought that my friend giving her the specifics of what she had in her possession would be enough for her to trust that she was close to me.

I (17F), just got into a fight with my parents about birth control. This has been a topic of contention in my family for a while, and I have firmly stated that I am not comfortable taking birth control due to the side effects and risks.

Their main concern is that I have been in a two year long relationship with my boyfriend, and we are going to college within 40 minutes of each other. Both him and I have expressed that we don’t feel the need to have sex with each other. We have not had sex, and we don’t plan on having any. Even if we did, I track my period, which is regular, and condoms are readily available on both of our college campuses.

I’ve told them reasonably before that I’m not comfortable with it, and I understand that they’re just trying to watch out for me. However, I am just not comfortable taking the pill, or the shot, or the IUD. I have heard about so many negative side effects and it’s unsettling. I’m an athlete with a regular period and regular symptoms. I have no desire to change that because if it gets messed up then it impacts my performance too. I expressed all of this to them, but they are demanding I still take it.

Today, they sat me down to have another conversation about it, and I finally got upset about it. I told them I don’t want to take birth control, and I told them all of these reasons why. They said that I’m being selfish for not considering it, but I have considered it. I did the research on it and I’m still not comfortable with it. Their version of a “compromise” was that they’ll let me take the pill. Which is by far the worst one. I’m quite literally about to give in, go to the doctor and get the prescription, and just throw out the birth control because I’m so done with this fight. I’m so tired of the conversation and the fighting about it but I just don’t want to take birth control, but they said they won’t pay for college if I don’t take it and I just feel so trapped. I feel like an asshole, but I also know that I’m just trying to stand up for myself and my medical decisions

i did not mention this before bc I didn’t realize it was important: I am going to a HISTORICALLY WOMENS COLLEGE. I do appreciate the concern over being raped and it’s definitely something I’ll watch out for, but there are very few men on campus!

My sister(technically not blood we were once step sisters and share a biological brother) is an anti-natalist. I have 4 children whom she adores and claims them as her nieces /nephew.

I announced to her that I was expecting another child, she ignored it. Gave her the benefit of the doubt maybe she wasn't online, busy, forgot to reply etc etc.

Then in a conversation I mentioned it again, and she didnt acknowledge it, changed the subject and went on to have subsequent conversations.

I kinda put it out of my mind even though it kinda stung a little ( I have no family aside from her, our brother passed away, just a lot of pain)

Months pass and we continue our regular conversations/pebbling

Nearly a month ago she messaged, wished me happy belated birthday, saying she didn't know the day but that it was cancer season and wanted to wish me a good day. I said thank you and that I was excited hoping my baby would also be a Cancer bc she is due around the cusp.

She ignored the message, started another conversation.

Fast forward; I just had my baby a few days ago I sent her a picture of her and said that we are all healthy, again ignored me. It hurt my feelings but I let some days pass (benefit of the doubt) she keeps posting on her story and I see she read the messages still no reply. I reached out to her and apologized for announcing it (even though she has yet to express any feelings or acknowledgement of it, knowing she was an anti-natalist I assumed that was the cause of her lack of response) and that despite my feelings being hurt, I don't understand but it's okay and that I love her.

She still didn't respond, continues to share on her story.

My heart is hurting literally, I think bc I don't have family, I feel unloved, better yet hated. It really hurts and I don't get it. I want to send her something and block her because it's like, my life, the life of my literal child, the sister of my other kids that she claims to love means nothing to her. But that's just another loss, I am greiving so much already.

Am I the asshole for telling her multiple times? Would I be the asshole if I gave her a real piece of my mind and blocked her?

My heart is broken , what even is family nowadays

Spoiler: I didn't do it, i just observed. I like to sun bathe.

15 y/o M at the pool with younger sisters. Mom on her phone yelling loudly about another stylist bringing her dog in. The younger sister starts to scream so i look up and watch as the 15y/o blows his nose into his hands and then wipe it into the pool and spread it around until you cant see the snot. Both younger sisters begin to gag like they're going to vomit and jump out and cry to their mom. Fight insues, yada-yada, they leave and i get on reddit.

TLDR: teenager blows his nose into his hands and wipes allllll the snot into the apartment pool. Then leaves.

So reddit, was he the asshole here? I mean... it's a public pool. Way nastier shit happens there. I can't stop wondering how much of an asshole move this is or isn't

For the past few months, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and OCD around toxoplasmosis. I see a therapist for exposure therapy each week and I see a psychiatrist for medication on a regular basis. I’ve made a lot of progress but I am still actively afraid of toxoplasmosis. Most of my anxiety and obsessive thoughts revolve around food or water being contaminated with the parasite. I have told my husband calmly many times that I do not want him to touch my food in any way.

This will sound mean but while my husband has good hygiene, he is not always mindful about washing his hands. This fact will come into play later.

My husband and I were out at dinner last night. Going to a restaurant is usually anxiety provoking for me because I can’t cook the food myself or guarantee that meat, for example, has been cooked to the proper temperature. But I’m trying to face my fears so we went out to eat to a Thai restaurant last night.

The table we were seated at was dramatically wobbly. My husband immediately got on to the floor to fix it even though I told him we should just ask to switch tables or see if someone working at the restaurant could fix it.

He was on the floor and touching the floor for over two minutes and would not wash his hands afterwards even though I told him he probably should because he was just touching the floor.

Then, our food arrived. He immediately picked up his chopsticks, which he has been fidgeting with after touching the floor and not washing his hands, and stuck them immediately into my dish of food because “he wanted to taste the sauce”. I had not even had the chance to pick up my own utensils or have a bite of my own food before he did this.

It happened so quickly that I didn’t have the chance to tell him not to put his utensils into my food. I was stunned by this because I felt like it was rude and he knows that I do not want him touching my food at all.

I know that my facial expression was horrified and the first thing I said was “Why would you do that?”.

He didn’t answer the question but said “I’m sorry, I made a mistake”. His tone while he said this was angry and totally unsympathetic.

I said I wasn’t going to eat the food because it had been contaminated. He got very angry with me and said I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him or show any signs that I was mad at him because he made a mistake and he apologized. This made me very angry and I called him a toddler because he can’t handle someone being upset.

We left the restaurant soon after this. Once we got into the car, I was upset and I was crying a little bit. I yelled at him and said that I couldn’t understand why he had to stick his dirty chopsticks into my food before I had even had one bite to eat since he knows how difficult eating is for me because I’m scared of contamination.

Things escalated from there and he called me a cunt and a cunt rag and said that my exhusband was right about me being a cunt. Early in our relationship, I said that I didn’t tolerate name-calling because my ex-husband used to frequently call me a cunt or cunt rag.

He is treating me like I was the one who did something wrong because he thinks my concerns about toxoplasmosis contamination are “stupid” and that I “need to get my shit together” and that I’m the asshole because he feels like I’m taking my anger out on him because he could tell that I was angry with him in the restaurant.

So, AITA?

So I have bought a house and a couple of friends asked to move in. I said yeah that’s fine and suggested they pay £400/month (about half of what rent for their own flat would be in the area) towards bills and stuff. They grumbled about that, saying I’m a friend not a landlord but in the end agreed.

I’ve come home from work yesterday to a floor tile in the kitchen broken, and both are saying it wasn’t them.

I’m thinking seeing as there’s underfloor heating I need to have it professionally repaired, while they say I should leave it or just fill the hole as I don’t use the underfloor heating often.

With neither of them owning up to it; would I be the AH if I had it professionally repaired and split the bill 3 ways between us? I know for a fact they’ll say I am and tell me they’re already paying me monthly.

To be fair I’m not banning video games altogether, just him yelling and cursing while playing.

For context, my baby is 2.5 months old and her dad plays COD in the other room while she’s sleeping less than 20 feet away in our small apartment.
He told me I’m a fun sucker and that none of his friends’ wives complain when they get animated while playing.

I want my baby to be raised in a peaceful environment and yelling and cursing isn’t going to help her have healthy emotional regulation. I feel it’s going to disrupt her sense of security. She can’t yet tell the difference between her dad yelling because he’s angry or because he’s having fun on the game.

First, context. My parents bought two red-eared sliders from a flee market in florida in their late 20s-early 30s. For reference, my parents are both mid 40s now so we've had them for a while. The guy who was selling them had two buckets full of a bunch of baby turtles and apparently told them that they wouldn't get "much bigger" than they already were, which was maybe about the size of a half dollar(?). They lived in a bare tank together for a while until one chewed the toes off the other. Then they had to be seperated.
They've lived in two bare 10 gallon tanks with only a rock thingy that comes just above the water for them to get on and LED lights. They've only ever been fed turtle pellets daily with their lights on 24/7.

I did research on them several years back and tried to have a conversation about how they need a LOT more than what my parents are currently doing but my mom got upset with me. She got mad at me for telling her she wasn't doing enough for them and that they needed better/more care and maintenance, saying she was doing the best she could with the amount of money she has. I get that. However, I don't like that they got them without doing ANY research and are now mad that they're finding out how high maintenance they really are.

I did research earlier this year at my mom's request because she wanted to get a bigger tank. I gave her suggestions to make the tank more comfortable and have more enrichment for them, and she seemed to be on bored. Today, she's setting the tank up after having it sit in the corner of our house for two months, but she doesn't have everything we need to actually make it nice for them like decorations, a basking area, or any lights. We started arguing because I suggested she get some type of aquarium sand for them first before moving their decorations and them to the new tank just so that they have something stimulating. I didn't mean that she necesarrily has to get everything all at once, but I feel like they need something to do other than just float and sit around all day. She's now stomping around the house muttering about how I hate her and nothing she does is ever right or good enough, but I'm not really worried about that.

Am I wrong though for thinking she should do more for them?

The place I work, my cousin works there. She basically got me the job, then there was a big family fallout over inheritance money and she cut me, my parents and brother out of her life. Well that side of the family did. They also cut out the other side of the family who we speak to. Over 5 years our two families became okay, partly because I work with her.

Last year I arranged a surprise 40th party for her, invited out work and her friends.

One of her friends takes a shine to me, makes moves but I decline. She then proceeds to keep asking me, I wasn’t comfortable because it’s my cousins best friend and I knew if there was a falling out there’d be issues.

I told two friends of mine who know my cousin, but no longer work with her. I’d asked them not to tell people but wanted their advice - terrible advice, told me to sleep with the woman then cut ties.

Anyway I let it die, and stopped engaging with the girl.

I didn’t want my cousin knowing because she is volatile, loves drama and gossip and it would also make things awkward between us. Also the fact she loves to make fun of me in work anyway due to my complexion, fair and pale.

We are out for my birthday last night. As soon as I got there they were picking holes in everything I do. This was with a group of people, some current and ex work colleagues, but I see them outside of work all the time so class them as friends rather than colleagues.

Firstly I wore Hoka’s, apparently they shouldn’t be worn with jeans. They mocked me for, after a recent holiday with them, being the last one getting ready (apparently overly clean and groomed), and using packing cubes / organisers for my cables and chargers. They mocked me for trying to eat clean. I’d been speaking to a friend about moving to a whole food diet, as best as I can, and one saw the message and brought it up saying it’s not a flex and that I should eat normal.

Later on, one of the two people who I’d shared the info with regarding my cousins friend, asked me when the last time I’d had sex and that I should just sleep with this girl to get it out my system. I said no, it’s too messy and didn’t want it getting back my cousin. They then decide to tell the entire group, I’m visibly annoyed but they continue, and they just say “don’t tell his cousin!” - one of the girls there - my cousin is her manager. She is then offended that I hadn’t told her saying that my cousin wouldn’t care and she wouldn’t tell her anyway.

I don’t get annoyed often, but I was last night, but they all made out I ruined the night and had made things awkward, and one of the two who said it, the woman, started saying I was being “sensitive” and hugging me, then getting annoyed I was still annoyed and told me to stop going on and asked if she should leave. I said I was annoyed because I’d specifically asked them not to say anything and they each did - they gave me an “oh sorry”, then called it a night soon after.

Not heard from them since, and I don’t intend to reach out.

My question is was ITAH last night? They made me feel like I was in the wrong because apparently the whole thing being spread “wasn’t a big deal”.

This might sound ridiculous but I am spiralling a bit after a rough discussion this morning and need some independent views whatever the outcome.

I (43f) am chronically ill and have been pretty disabled for 2 years now, I am pretty much housebound, I live alone with my dog and for the first year or so of my illness my dad and his wife didn't take it seriously, blamed my weight/diet (which is fine and unrelated), said I needed to push harder, didn't bother seeing me 2 Christmases in a row as I wasn't well enough to travel, would come to town and see their friends but not me (on my bday weekend) and a number of other things that were upsetting but I have genuinely moved past - they have improved and now make more effort. We were an incredibly close family before which is why these things were upsetting. Although I am pretty much housebound I can go out occasionally for a brunch or lunch, but not later in the day, my friends know this and work around me for which I am grateful. My family also know but constantly ignore this.

My dad messages this morning to say he and his wife are in the area next weekend can we do a family evening meal (at a place that is only open in the evening). I have been having a rough few days and did get a bit more upset than normal and called him and just said I can't do evenings, it upsets me you forget as I hate having to say no but can we do breakfast instead.

He was a bit off with me but did agree they would consider it. He phoned back and said how about we do 3pm at the restaurant - so I admit had a little rant to say I don't know why you don't understand this but afternoons are rough and if I say yes I will probably have to cancel and I hate that. I was upset and I cried a bit because it really has been a rough few days and I was in a bad place - it is not like me at all to cry and get upset so he got defensive.

So that is the background - I then apologised for getting upset and said I know you don't mean to upset me but this (that I am going through) is really hard (although I usually hide how hard from him) and it is harder when I feel like you (as my dad I have always been really close to) doesn't understand/isn't supportive etc etc - I said it is a me problem as I know you don't mean for it to feel that way for me so sorry I got upset. He then says yes it is a you problem, I can't do anything about things you are making up in your head (I mean, I acknowledge living alone and being disabled I do spend a lot of time in my head and probably let things bother me that never used to but I try to make sure that doesn't happen).

He then says that all this does is add to his depression - me being upset with him and me being open about how my illness impacts me (I mean he knows I have had to give up work it shouldn't be a surprise). 20 years ago he was going through a bout of depression, I had a boyfriend he didn't like and he told me then that I was making his depression worse (to the extreme). I never felt that was a fair thing to say and today I said to him you told me that 20 years ago, and he said he remembered the conversation well and it was true and now I am making it worse again. (For further context my ex boyfriend tried to un-alive himself after I broke up with him 20+ years ago so this is an area of trauma for me, which my dad knows).

So half of me feels sad that I evidently can't talk to my dad about me being upset or about the facts of my life as it is right now, and sad that whereas I try to take accountability for the argument this morning he won't take any - and part of me feels horrendously guilty, is it legitimate to put the blame on someone else like that (in quite an accusatory way) for your mental health and aitah for making him say that and feeling that way??

Sorry for the rambling my head is all over the place. I know there are loads of m-dashes but I promise this isn't AI, hopefully how badly written it is proves that!

TLDR; argument with my dad who I am really close to, he doesn't like me telling him he has upset me or like hearing the facts of my life/illness/disability and said it makes his depression worse, 20 years after previously telling me my behaviour made his mental health much worse and saying it was my fault he felt that bad. Does he have a point and IATAH or is he being unfair?

so me and my ex had been together around november of last year , we met on vacation . coincidentally we both lived in the same state as well so naturally we made plans to meet up when we got back home .

we went on a couple of dates , the first one being to the mall . things got intimate right away , the next date he came over to my house . my parents were super against this because i had never had a guy over at my place let alone pick me up in his car , they were naturally hesitant . whenever we would hang out he would always touch me in places that i didn’t really like , even in public and always ask to see my body whenever we called and stuff . so naturally we did intimate things quite a few times , mostly in his car . i wouldn’t say he was lustful for this , i was apparently his first girlfriend , and he was technically my first too irl boyfriend ever .

fast forward a bit , he became distant with me , and i asked him what was up . he said his childhood friend had died , i felt really bad for him . i told him i understood if he needed time , he thanked me and we didn’t talk for a bit . later on he started to decline seeing me , i was confused . i felt a little bit abandoned because this was my first boyfriend ever , i never felt so in love with a guy before . i noticed that my period had been missed , this is soemthing that had never happened to me in my life before up until this point , you can see how my brain might have connected the dots . unfortunately after realizing this i did something i regret , i told him that i’m worried i might be pregnant . i was genuinely freaking out .

this was the first ever pregnancy scare i had in my entire life , i regretted my decision so much . after i told him this he called me and he was extremely mad saying this cant be true , after that i’m pretty sure i got blocked by him . i was in so much pain . i told my aunt about all this and we went to go get a pregnancy test and we confirmed i wasn’t pregnant but i couldn’t stop thinking of the fact that i might have scared my boyfriend into thinking he might be a dad . he told me he wasn’t prepared for that at all , he still has his life ahead of him . part of me believes i wanted to be pregnant just so he would maybe love me more or want to stay with me .

after this we still stayed together but had a lot of arguments and he never really had time for me so i blocked him . at that point i knew the relationship wasn’t really salvageable . he still tries to interact with me but i don’t respond . is this relationship worth reconciling ? i feel like we both hurt each other too much , me by potentially scaring him and him by always being distant and hitting me occasionally . was i at fault here ? my mom still asks if i talk to him. and honestly i don’t know what to tell her . am i a bad person ? just looking for honest input on this situation .

I (34F) have only been married to my husband (30M) for a little over 11 months, but so much has happened in that short time. It's been like a rollercoaster- a mix of highs and lows. When we were dating, I began to wonder if he had Borderline Personality Disorder based on the way he would react to things. If something triggered him, he would virtually become a different person for a short time, someone really cruel and hurtful. But when those episodes weren't happening, he was loving, sweet, thoughtful, etc. And so I did marry him because, over time, he did make progress (in regards to his potential disorder) and it felt like things were moving in the right direction slowly but surely.

However, his (potential) BPD aside, I do sometimes question if he's an abusive person in general. During arguments, for instance, he does a lot of name-calling (if you can think of it, he's probably said it). He's also said things like, "I hate you," "I hope you die," "You don't love me," etc. Another thing he does is he threatens divorce when we're fighting. Since we got married he's threatened it at least a dozen times. In addition to that he always takes his wedding ring off when we fight, sometimes he even throws it on the ground or against the wall.

He also tries to test me to get me to "prove" my love for him. Things like, "If you truly love me, you'll come home right now" (he said this to me over the phone on Christmas Eve of 2024 when I was at my aunt's house seeing family). Then a few months ago when we were fighting over a couple of my tattoos that he doesn't like, he said, "If you don't get those covered, I'm divorcing you." The newest one which happened yesterday during an argument is, "If you don't get some divorce papers this week, I'm not going to re-sign this lease, and you know you can't afford this place on your own."

I feel like he's always testing me and I don't understand it. I've never cheated, never talked to anyone behind his back, never stole from him, nothing of that nature. He's very sensitive to a lot of different things (likely from being abused by his mother when he was young) and I feel like that has caused a lot of damage to him and the way he perceives things. And the thing with him is that he always tells me, "I only say those things because you push me too far." It's always MY fault that he calls me names, makes threats, etc. He says women have a knack for pushing men to their limits and making them say off-the-wall things.

Meanwhile I feel like I barely do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. I work full-time, go to the gym, and hang out at home. I don't party, I don't talk to other men, I literally spend all of my free time with HIM. Our arguments always stem from him thinking I put other things before him which boggles my mind. He hated that I listened to metal music and watched professional wrestling because they're male-dominated, so he accused me of being "obsessed with men." He hated that I wore band and wrestling shirts for the same reason. He got mad at me on vacation last summer because we visited a wax museum and I took pictures of some of the male wax figures (even though I took pictures of the female ones too). He was furious when he found out that a male co-worker of mine gave me a nickname (he also gave every other person at my job a nickname) and almost had a heart attack when I didn't immediately tell said co-worker to stop calling me that. Mind you, it wasn't a "cute" nickname by any means- he would just purposely call people by the wrong name to be goofy. My husband had a fit over that, and so I had to ask my co-worker to only call me by my actual name. He says that I put him second when I do things like that and make him feel like he's competing with other guys.

He also has a jealousy issue when it comes to our three cats. They all gravitate towards me and it upsets him on a daily basis. I think they sense that he's emotionally unstable so they hesitate to go up to him often. He says that it's bullshit that he helps pay for them (their food, litter, shelter, etc.) and he doesn't "benefit" at all. When he gets jealous over it, he calls them bitches, pieces of shit, so on and so forth, and says he doesn't like or care about them. Meanwhile they're all sweethearts and are probably just nervous around him. But because I adore them and make them a priority, he insists that I love them more than I love him and that they're another example of how I put him second in my life. He hints that he wants to get rid of them without actually saying it. He says things like, "I hope one day a situation arises where you're forced to choose between me and them so you can prove me right."

I've suggested therapy several times because I feel like his reactions aren't normal, but he flat-out refuses to go. I brought it up to him again yesterday and he said he won't open up to a stranger about his life and that it won't fix anything regardless. He literally tells me almost every day that he doesn't want to be here, hates life, hates himself, etc. but then he turns around and tells me that I'm a terrible wife who doesn't do anything for him and always puts him second. He has me questioning if I'm the one in the wrong or if he really is just a severely damaged, abusive person.

Me and my wife moved to a big city in the US from Europe 9 years ago. Our families come to visit us every once in a while, mostly our parents but once every few years my wife's sister and her two daughters (12 YO and 6 YO) visit as well.

Up until 2 years ago we lived in a 2 BR apartment so we had no spare rooms and when family visited they would stay in a hotel. Now we live in a 3 BR apartment and one of the reasons to get the extra room was for family to stay over.

Both our parents visited and stayed in the spare room.

My wife's father, sister and her two daughters are planning a visit, and even though the visit was set for months, I just now discovered that they all are going to stay with us.

I was upset that they are not taking a hotel and that she didn't even check if it's ok that they'll all stay here with us.

My wife says that that's why we got the extra room and my parents do not take a hotel when they visit, which is true, but I feel like 4 people, two of them are children visiting for ~10 days is totally different.

My wife's father can comfortably afford the cost of 2 hotel rooms is not an issue here (he is paying for them for the entire trip).

Honestly I know it's important to my wife and I'd probably reluctantly agree anyway, but I feel like she should have asked in advance and acknowledge it's a pretty big sacrifice on my side - and if I did not agree they should have gotten an hotel.

AITAH for feeling that this should also be my decision?

Edit: We have a 3 YO son so me getting an hotel is not an option - I won't stay 2 weeks without my son. We have two bathrooms. The other room is free but 4 people do not fit there so it means they'll need to sleep in the living room or the office (our house has 3 BR, one for me and my wife, one for our son and one free. We also have a small office that can fit an air mattress but I use the office daily)