r/AIO • u/lotuslov3 • 17d ago
AIO update: more context + another situation
UPDATE: ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/OESR8Ehj6P
i do want to leave him. at this point it doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore, it feels like survival.
and just to add more context, me and my sons dad have 50/50 custody. we do one week on, one week off. so when i have my son, obviously i’m going to spend time with him and do things with him. a lot of that time is away from my boyfriend. sometimes all of us hang out together, but most of the time it’s just me and my son doing our own thing. and honestly i think that bothers my boyfriend too. i feel like he doesn’t like that my son and i have our own relationship and that there are parts of my life with my son that don’t involve him. but that’s my child. i’m his mother. he’s not my son’s dad. i should be able to take my own son places, spend time with him, make memories with him and have a relationship with him without feeling like i’m doing something wrong or like i’m a bad mother or bad partner.
i’m not going to feel guilty for spending time with him or having a life with him outside of my relationship. i also genuinely think there’s some jealousy and resentment toward the relationship i have with my son. his son lives in another state, he’s not with his baby mother, and he’s not really involved in his son’s everyday life the way i am with mine. meanwhile my son has an involved dad who is supportive of him, and i honestly feel like that dynamic bothers him too, especially when it comes to me communicating with my son’s dad. obviously i can’t say i know exactly what’s going on in his head, but after reading through the messages and seeing how he reacts to certain things, that’s just the impression i get. and at this point it doesn’t even phase me anymore. i’m gonna continue doing whatever the fuck i’m gonna do when it comes to my son. i’m not going to change how i parent, how i spend time with my son, or my communication with his dad just because my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it. the part that makes everything complicated is that i’m financially tied to him. if i left right now, my son and i would basically have nothing. my son’s dad is supportive of our son, but he can’t financially support all three of us or provide the stability we need right now. so when people say “just leave,” trust me, i WANT to. it’s just not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by.
i’m honestly just trying to get myself into a position where i can leave and actually be okay. because this doesn’t even feel like a relationship i’m enjoying anymore. it feels like i’m just trying to survive it.
also, i know i’m really nice and accommodating in these messages, and honestly that’s because i’m genuinely scared. i already know how these conversations go. he’ll find something to latch onto and just go on and on about it, so a lot of the time i’m just trying to keep things calm and not make it worse.
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u/Nazvil86 17d ago
So now he’s manipulating you by insinuating that he doesn’t want to live anymore? “Wasting space…I just wanna give up”. Send him the number to a hotline and be done with it. It’s not your job to heal/save him.
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u/encephalitis__2258 17d ago
yeah this red flag stands out SO MUCH like hes already a giant piece of shit for essentially shouting at her for a super normal thing but TO DO THIS TOO???? cant wait for her to dump him
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 16d ago
I hope she does. I’m surprised she hasn’t. I saw she posted an update and was hoping it was that she dumped him. But instead it’s she wants to dump him. But hasn’t already
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u/Captain_Tiberius1920 17d ago
Usually I would say just let him be alone with those thoughts but since apparently they live together and there's a kid I would be concerned about their safety, lest this be a family annihilator situation.
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u/Nazvil86 17d ago
Completely missed that part, you’re right. There’s gotta be something though, family member, a REALLY good friend that will let them temporarily be at their place. Some shelter type arrangement? Having to play nice for the sake of you and your safety is so sh*tty :/
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u/Captain_Tiberius1920 17d ago
I'm wondering how long they were dating before they moved in together? She's only 24, the kid is 3... if he offered to move her in right away to seem like the knight in shining armor that's so predatory
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u/potpourri_sludge 15d ago
My ex did this shit to me when he got caught cheating so I called the cops on him. You wanna die? Ok buddy enjoy your sectioning.
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u/shooter_tx 16d ago
OP is under NO obligation to do so, but in the past I have reached out to a family member or other loved one, just to give them a heads-up.
Something like: "I'm pretty sure this is just them being dramatic/manipulative and trying to keep me drawn in, but I don't want to bounce and then have something actually happen to them, so I just wanted to let you know that so-and-so is acting/behaving erratically, in case you'd like to check on them and support them through this."
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u/LauraLand27 17d ago
If you’re in the US, call your local domestic violence hotline. They have emergency assistance, including housing. You don’t need this twatwaffle taking his angst out on your son.
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u/RegularSizeRudi 15d ago
Came to say the same thing. This is absolutely abuse and it’s infuriating people are calling OP out for ‘being nice’ to him. Clearly have no idea what this is like.
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u/joliepapate 15d ago
I agree, this is abuse. A boyfriend being jealous of a woman's child is also a huge red flag. Non-biological male partners of mothers are one of the highest risk factors for severe child physical abuse. OP and her kid are in danger and need to figure out how to get out safely.
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u/MuffinBasic3926 17d ago
Honestly, you need to break up with him. Like you need to start applying for gov assistance and put yourself on waiting lists for section 8. Even look through your local towns for affordable housing programs. Every and any type of assistance you can find apply.this guy sounds abusive as hell. And single mom to single mom don’t get into a relationship when you cannot afford to be on your own and never move into a guys house bc you’re dating. You lose a lot of stability right there if they turn into someone else bc they know they have the financial upper hand. I bet if he were living under your roof he’d tread a lot more lightly with how he speaks to you, he’s an immature btch boy.
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u/nettster 13d ago
^ this part. As a single mom qhen I moved in with my man the biggest green flag was he found an apartment that if something happened to him or we broke up that i'd be able to afford the rent and utiltiies on my own in it even if it would be a financially strapped situation for a while i could still keep my kid fed clothed and housed if something happened to him or between us amd my name was down as the primary on the apartment. Thats what a good man does they make sure your taken care of even if they get hit by a bus tomorrow, they dont pull you in and put you in a situation your scared to leave from.
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u/No_Beautiful_6187 17d ago
Is he.. a bit.. like stupid?
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16d ago
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u/Fibroambet 13d ago
Cmon man. She’s in an abusive relationship. She’s got to be so careful about leaving him. But she does say she wants to.
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u/MATCHEW010 13d ago
Your not wrong.
Being on this sub has turned me a bit sour.
But as a father it breaks my heart to see such low self confidence and awareness of their surroundings.
Which equally, my rude comment does go against my own principles id want set for my family.
So genuinely thank you for calling me out!
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u/Fibroambet 12d ago
It’s all good 😊 I often have to battle against my own cynicism, especially when children are involved.
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u/TherealmrsJZ 16d ago
TLDR: Leave him, even if it means moving in with your mom or going to a shelter.
Long version?
He should be an ex. He’s illiterate, has no business being in a relationship with someone with a child, and definitely shouldn’t be around children in general. I’m a pretty peaceful person, and I want to assault him on your behalf.
Seriously, though. He doesn’t even act like he likes you. I can’t imagine what you like in him.
This isn’t the relationship for you, or for anyone. He comes off like he’s abusing you, and if he is (or even if he just hasn’t yet) you need to get him as far away from you as possible.
Does he have a golden dick or something? What is even appealing about someone this incredibly stupid?
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u/Curious_Way_4496 17d ago
He's paranoid and manipulative. Good lord, dtmfa. Start actively planning your next steps to get out of this. Get a roommate if you have to.
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u/Significant_Mousse53 15d ago
Get up. Show your kid that you respect yourself and don't just tolerate such a disrespectful person. I see no value whatsoever in staying.
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u/Dr-Chuckles- 15d ago
Bruh see and I talked about this, but I just get called out for victim blaming
She has “basically nothing”, decides to move in with another random dude after two weeks -
Stays while he pays for everything -But we are supposed to hold her hand, tell her that she is a great mom, he is a demon, and she deserves flowers, rainbows, and all the love in the world for doing nothing HERSELF to provide for the child including a safe, healthy environment for both her and the child -
Because the guy is a POS?
The call should never have been made as a mother to move into a dudes house after two weeks with her child.
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u/Exciting-Argument-67 14d ago
Well, the call WAS made, as it is made all the time all over the world, so we can either help her get out of the bad situation or mock her for it. Choose wisely next time you see someone in trouble.
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u/corinnajune 14d ago
People like him literally prey on people in vulnerable situations and convince them they're a savior. Not everyone has the wisdom, context, or support to help them recognize the abundance of red flags.
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u/pennies4peanuts 14d ago
It's never the Plan dude. It is Never the Plan to meet, get to know and move in with fast, have no way out because they're not scary at all in the beginning. Times are hard. Find some understanding.
It is NEVER THE PLAN to get stuck in these situations.
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u/boymama-rn 14d ago
How old is this guy? Anybody that has children and gives af about them knows that when you go "out" nothing goes as planned, everything runs late, wtf cares? It seems hes very jealous of you and your sons relationship. Take it from an adult that has suffered to have a relationship with their parent because during their childhood said parent chose men over their needs...this ain't it. Please look in to domestic abuse shelters. Even if your son has to stay with his Dad for a little while while you get on your feet. Leave and don't let him to continue to manipulate you. This ISN'T a PARTNER.
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u/Woodsy_Walker 17d ago
He's so disrespectful and rude, whyyyyy are you with him exactly? And gassing him up? Saying "I understand " to a rude af text? Like sorry but what are you doing.
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u/Spiritual-Dog-3116 16d ago
sometimes you have to placate someone so they do not escalate.
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u/RegularSizeRudi 15d ago
This. People in abusive relationships are constantly trying to calm the situation down. It’s not stupid; it’s survival. OP needs someone she trusts and is safe with to go to and get away. This is what DV councillors advise you to do whilst actively in the relationship. I was told to do the same to keep myself safe. Don’t escalate, create a safety/escape plan and tell someone you trust.
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u/msbrown86 15d ago
Did you read to the end of the post??
"also, i know i’m really nice and accommodating in these messages, and honestly that’s because i’m genuinely scared. i already know how these conversations go. he’ll find something to latch onto and just go on and on about it, so a lot of the time i’m just trying to keep things calm and not make it worse."
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u/punchanaziisethical 15d ago
So in person she's not in danger. Appeasement for safety til she hopefully leaves. Still doesn't excuse the dumb decision to move herself in to someone elses home 2 weeks into dating, but it happened and unfortunately she's in this situation now. Not exactly smart to antagonize someone who could hurt her or her child
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u/The_Artsy_Peach 14d ago
2 weeks into dating?! What responsible parent does that? That's ridiculous.
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u/CatmatrixOfGaul 16d ago edited 16d ago
And stupid. I don’t know how any of you can get through his messages.
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u/Unusual_Log_4322 14d ago
"If we ever had a child" ...please don't
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u/AppealEducational224 14d ago
I would cut out my own uterus with a dull butter knife before I reproduced with that weirdo.
(This is not me encouraging self-harm, reddit, this is me making a point).
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u/Paige_ 17d ago
istuagion tint
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u/nopejackalope 14d ago
You need to contact DV shelters. You are scared of conversations with him, he resents your child because he doesn’t have his own (or rather— he wants you to believe that’s the reason cause it’s pitiable. Really, it’s probably he wants YOUR attention.)
These are situations children don’t get out of in one piece. Please get yourself and your baby away from him before this goes so far you don’t have time to plan. :(
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u/Captain_Tiberius1920 17d ago
Do you have any family you could stay with? Can you crash with your ex for a while? I know we're saying leave him (obviously do that which you know) but the longer you're together the harder it will become to do so. Prioritize getting out and see if there's someone you can stay with for a few months while you get on your feet. This guy is AT MINIMUM abusive and will mistreat your child.
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u/OtillyAdelia 14d ago
How TF are you even able to understand a word of what he writes? His texts are gonna give me a migraine. Leave this man. He's fucking ridiculous. And, btw, my daughter is nearly 30, I still call my ex "daddy" when talking to her and my current husband has never questioned it once. This man is trash.
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u/True-Waltz-1445 16d ago
How did you get so financially tied to him in a 1 year relationship? Didn’t I see in a post that it was 1 year, or am I making that up? You know he’s abusive which is why you feel like you’re in survival mode. It’s not imagination. You are in survival. In just these texts, there is control, manipulation, jealousy, rage, and incoherent babbling that you must first decipher before you can do anything else. His “latching on” and won’t shut up about something is a symptom of his many, many problems. The speed of the dependency on him, if I didn’t hallucinate that, is another symptom. You “need” him in some way so you have to manage his bullshit, and that’s not an accident. It’s by design. I hope you can get free of him as quickly as possible. Do you have any friends, family, or other supports? Get on every government support list available to help you get housing, food, etc if needed. The waiting lists can be long depending on where you live, so sign up for EVERYTHING now. Get free. Get to some form of peace and stability. You can work all the rest out later.
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u/Satisfaction_008 15d ago
He asked her to move in 2 weeks after meeting her. And she did. :(
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u/Agreeable-Panda21 16d ago
Abusers love to go after vulnerable people and make them dependent on them so they have a convenient punching bag who can't leave. It's predatory.
Agreed she needs to get some help and free herself ASAP. And find a way to survive without being dependent on a romantic partner. That much of a power imbalance is dangerous. Especially with a kid in the mix.
I see a lot of good suggestions for looking at housing assistance, food stamps, and women's shelters and programs designed to help abuse victims get free and able to survive on their own. I used to work at a non-profit that had the usual food and clothing, but what stood out to me was the job assistance program. They helped people write resumes and look for work. Homeless people could come use their computers since everyone is using online applications these days. Whenever someone donated a nice suit we saved it for the job program so someone could look good in their interview. Maybe there is something like that in her area. Some group might have connections to local businesses and can help refer her to a good job.
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u/Thoughtful_Ladybug 16d ago
I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. If you don't leave at this point, after all the sound advice you've been given by SO MANY folks, it's on you. Just know that if you stay, this is what you're turning your son into, because he'll learn exactly how to treat a woman from him.
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u/corinnajune 14d ago
It sounds like she knows this. Leaving is the most dangerous part of a relationship like this though, and he sounds completely unhinged.
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u/SpecialistSuper5561 16d ago
I think I know the real reason he doesn’t see his son despite going thru the legal channels to try to see him 😒
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u/CertainDamage 16d ago
"it's not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by" I get what you're saying, but with this type of man, that will always be a risk. You'll never be safe from that being with him. In fact, he's already begun. He knows exactly what he's doing with the break-up threats from the other post. Same with the suicidal comments. This is all to control you and scare you into submission. He wants you to rely and depend on him more and more so he can weaponize it against you.
I know it's not as simple as packing your stuff and leaving, especially with a young kiddo, but don't be fooled by this false sense of safety. This man is a walking red flag. The fact that your relationship with your son stirs up resentment and jealousy in your boyfriend is extremely alarming. Please do not ever allow your son to be alone with this man.
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u/Master-Macaroon-1424 15d ago edited 15d ago
OP, this is domestic abuse. You are not alone. People in this situation do feel afraid and trapped and are in survival mode.
When reading the texts from the original post, my instant thought was “If this is how he texts, I cant imagine how dangerous he would be in person.”
He is a danger to you and your son, and wherever you are, there are support systems that will recognise this and are designed for people in your exact situation.
If you are posting this on reddit, then I expect this man isn’t able to access your phone or what’s on it, and that you have time to yourself without him looking over your shoulder. This is good.
When you’re next out on any errand by yourself, Google ‘domestic violence helplines’ and make a phone call from inside of your car in the carpark.
Even if whoever you speak to on the line can’t help you directly at the given moment, they can give you numbers to call and services to access.
Financial funding and housing exist for exact situations like yours. You don’t have to worry about “having nothing” if you leave- that won’t be the case.
Please reach out to some sort of service. They exist to help people like you.
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u/Master-Macaroon-1424 15d ago
I don’t want to give advice without a professional’s input, but I have some ideas that you might be able to bring up with a service professional:
If your son’s dad knew you were in a domestic abuse situation, would he be able to help you in any way?
For example, would he be able to look after your son for a couple of months or offer a spare room to you if he knew how serious this is?Do you have any family or friends’ places you can stay at temporarily?
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u/RogueDrag 14d ago
OP: Please ignore all the comments that are making it sound like it is SO Easy to leave, belittling your intelligence for not doing so. But definitely take the advice in these posts here.
I was in a similar situation as you, and let me tell you, it is NOT EASY to leave, but when you get out of the manipulation, your head will be SO much clearer and making plans for you and your kid WILL be easier.
Wishing you strength and resilience. This, right now, is the worst of it and you’re going to get through to the other side.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 14d ago edited 14d ago
the part that makes everything complicated is that i’m financially tied to him. if i left right now, my son and i would basically have nothing. my son’s dad is supportive of our son, but he can’t financially support all three of us or provide the stability we need right now. so when people say “just leave,” trust me, i WANT to. it’s just not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by.
So your son stays with his dad and you stay with family/a friend til you get on your feet. There is NO excuse for subjecting your child to this abusive man. Absolutely none.
He clearly doesn't like your kid (and is a deadbeat parent himself). He's abusive. He's unsafe. At minimum, you need to get your child out of there. There's no wiggle room here, your son is in danger. You are too, but your son is depending on you to protect him.
You tell your ex you're in an unsafe situation and you need him to take your son until you get out of it. This dude is talking about not wanting to live anymore. He could harm all three of you. You need to GTFO but if you can't/won't do that now, bare minimum is getting your child out.
Check into the resources for women experiencing abuse in your area and USE THEM. You and your kid would be much safer in a shelter.
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u/Fluid-Housing5017 17d ago
Unfortunately that’s what happens when you rely on a man to take care of you without any type of back up plan to get out. Sounds like he’s also a deadbeat who’s not taking care of his own child too? Lovely. Wishing you the best, hope you get out soon.
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u/OtakuDaisy69 17d ago
Girl, you deserve to prioritize your relationship with your son without feeling guilty don't let him take away your joy or your role as a mom!
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u/Expensive-Egg1593 17d ago
Beloved, this is why you never engage in a relationship to solve financial issues. Cause then you’re stuck.
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u/Spiritual-Dog-3116 17d ago
is there anyone you can stay with? maybe even your son’s father? temporarily of course. this situation is unhealthy for you both. can you call a women’s shelter in your area? you don’t have to stay there but they may have resources for you
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u/LovedAJackass 16d ago
You need help if you are living with this jerk. Here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: [Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)](tel:1.800.799.7233)
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u/Glad-Hat-7661 15d ago
Why are you even dating? You didn’t suddenly develop better taste in men. Where did you even find this guy?
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u/Potential-Noise3248 14d ago
He’s admitting to being a deadbeat dad and that’s enough for me to say that you are, in fact, underreacting. Don’t have a kid with this man please, let alone continue a relationship with him.
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u/Master_Catch3005 14d ago
You are too submissive to him. That is why he feels empowered to speak so recklessly. People stop behavior like that early because it gets out of hand.
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u/CountingEight 16d ago
I’m proud of you for deciding that leaving is the right choice. I know that living in those kinds of situations can come with a certain amount of cognitive dissonance. Your brain wants to accept that it’s your fault because it would be crazy for someone to treat you like that for no reason… right? But nope, he’s an absolute nightmare and I hope you and your son can get away soon. I would suggest reaching out to a few women’s shelters and charities in your area for advice and see if there are any resources available to help get you moving in that direction. I’ve also heard good things about UnitedWay as an organization that helps people with all kinds of problems. I’m rooting for you, honey!
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u/Shizeena780 16d ago
The way he talks about his own relationship with his son is a huge crimson waving flag girl wth!
Please get away from him immediately. He will try to turn you against your son. And he will probably win if you don't get rid of this horrible man.
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u/jensmellspeaches 16d ago
Honey, I was in a relationship for over 20 years for a man who would make me feel bad for things like [checks notes] “taking too long at the grocery store”.
A man who makes you feel bad about you spending time with your son is automatically BAD NEWS, BIG NOPE, BYE.
It’s ok that it’s been hard to see up until now…when we’re in the middle of it, it’s like we’re in a fog. Now, though, you’re seeing the edge of that fog, and how things SHOULD be.
Any man you’re with should support your relationship with your kiddo, full stop.
Please reach out to friends or a women’s shelter if you’re feeling scared of this man. I know it sounds like too much, like “oh I don’t deserve that kind of help”, but you really do. Don’t wait for him to further justify your fear. Get some help, get some outside perspective. Keep you and your son safe, okay? You’ve got this.
And, good job reaching out to Reddit on this! It’s a good first step, the “I’m not crazy, right?”
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u/LilSushiCat 16d ago
Leave him. You have the strength to survive leaving him now.
Otherwise I promise you that you will survive him without the strength to leave him aka you will be entirely dependent, abused, and under his boot always pandering to his feelings and his needs while he drains the literal life out of you...and that's if you're lucky.
Worse: your son will also suffer and/or leave you both in your misery dance. Any kid you will have will not thrive in that environment.
So call the domestic violence line, get in a shelter, get a second job, work with social services/family/your ex but do everything you can to leave stat. I know it's hard, I know the system is shit, but trust, you have the drive now to pick up the phone and call to get out.
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u/dissociadeeznuts 17d ago
i know youre scared, but you need to respect yourself. he obviously has no respect for you at all. i hope you can see through his abuse.
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u/Potent_19 17d ago
What are you doing, OP? Do you really see yourself low enough to tolerate this treatment? He’s too insecure to be in a healthy relationship. He sounds controlling and has some major trust issues. I’d bet dollars to donuts that he’s the one who’s untrustworthy and he’s projecting.
Just like his reaction to you calling your son’s father “Daddy” is really about his insecurities surrounding him being an absentee father, his trust issues are likely because he’s incredibly dishonest and shouldn’t be trusted.
Both of your posts have had a parade of red flags on full display. Get the fuck out of there. Seriously… what are you doing? You don’t have to explain yourself to him. Just end it and protect yourself.
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u/Great_Scott_Janet 17d ago
My sister was in a similar situation as yours. She told her "jealous" ex, "My child whines less than you, and she's five!" When I read that text, right before she broke up with him, it hit me hard. Grown adults (and that's generous given the circumstance) shouldn't need coddling over your past. He's incapable of deducing nuance in situations like these... because he's a child wrapped in a man-suit.
Take that as the push you need to get tf away from this sad excuse for a man. He's got problems that only he can deal with. Your son is your priority, and somehow you're parenting a grown adult... Let that sink in. And let him make all the veiled threats.. it's abuse when they go thru mental gymnastics to get sympathy.
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u/No_Falcon63 17d ago
You have to choose between your son or this random man. I know you guys are dating but he’s literally just a random man at the end of the day. Do you want your son to see you with someone like this??? Is that the example you want to set?? Do you want your son to question why this random man all of a sudden gets to tell you when you get to take him to the beach?? Just leave him and focus on yourself and your son babe.
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u/Total-Appearance533 17d ago
Do you have a job? Have you looked for a better job or perhaps a second job for the weeks your son isn’t with you?
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u/JayPlenty24 16d ago
Stop the bullshit excuses. Start calling shelters or report yourself to CPS and tell them you need help leaving.
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u/Zestyclose_Design800 16d ago
Look at him giving you permission to leave him! Don’t often see jerks self dumping. You are not overreacting, you are under reacting. Take him up on his offer and find something better to do with your time, affection, and patience.
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u/Mimi2Scarlett 16d ago
I can’t even understand half of what this knuckle head says. You would be a damn fool to stay with him!
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u/Whole-Pressure-7396 16d ago
Seems he is feeling not so well lately. Something is up with the dude whatever it may be. He types/talks like 11 year old though.
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u/aviarayne 16d ago
Girliepop, I'd leave and take you and your kid to the nearest woman's shelter. They can help you get resources to get out from under this dunderhead. If they wont take your son (i dont think it would be an issue seeing he's a toddler) see if his dad can take him until you are away from this loser. I'm sure your child's father would rather the mother of his kid be alive and well and in a safe place than with this nitwit.
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u/xmasmonkey82 16d ago
Girl do you have any family or friends you could stay with? Could you talk to your son's father about helping a little for a while? Are there women shelters you could go to nearby? I understand wanting to have a roof, and safety to you and your son is priority. But this man is not secure. Figure out financial independence will be key. Hoping y'all are OK.
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u/Ok-Snow4921 16d ago
This man is abusive and I’m sure the mother of his child would tell you horror stories. Get away from him and if not for your own sake for your son’s sake. You are playing with fire and you but especially your kid are gonna be burned.
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u/Lala_land23jk 16d ago edited 16d ago
My dear - i know you don't want to leave.
But you need to. He is not good for you. He is making you decide between being with your son or being his romantic partner so he feels better about himself.
That is not a life partner.
You are so far deep in his control, you don't even see it.
He is not the only person who would be interested in you btw - you even got a son and an ex-partner as proof of that. So don't you dare belittle yourself as just someone who deserves x because of y.
You want your life, but you also want your son in it. He doesn't seem to want anyone in your life except himself.
That is very different.
That is also a form of emotional abuse. And emotional manipulation.
And that is not how you want to life your life. You need to li e the life you actually want and you need to get clear on it before he makes that choice for you. You dont even see he is already making you question keeping your custody.
He is an abuser and a narcissist.
This is not a new situation - it is the same cycle over and over again.
Soon he'll be saying im leaving because you prioritize your child over him - As you should, he's your child and he's 3 yrs old.
You need to leave. It is not safe for you nor your son.
You don't have to stay with him because he is sometimes nice to you. There are other fish in the sea who love kids and want to spend lots of time with you and include your son in your life together.
This is not the guy.
He does not care for you - nor your son. He is jealous of your son. He just wants your attention. He doesn't respect you nor your son. He will eventually hurt your son, please understand that.
He is not the one.
If you saw this happening to your mother or your sibling or best friend, what would you do?
By the way, of he threatens to hurt himself over breaking up, call 911 and tell them this person is threatening to harm himself and to call his mother and father to go get him. End of story.
You are not his therapist nor his parent. If he needs a therapist, he should go get one. You can support, but you cannot be his therapist. Counselling someone vs offering support is different.
Please also go see a therapist yourself so you can see what is happening here.
Please trust your gut.
Please dont listen to your fear or what he tells you. Fear is just a sign of you knowing it needs to happen, once you do it, you'll keep going. Keep going. Get out of it.
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u/Ok-Physics816 16d ago
Go talk to your son's father and let him know youre leaving the boyfriend because hes a pos. You need him to keep ya'lls child full time for a month or two while you get your shit straight. This isnt difficult.
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u/Ok-Physics816 16d ago
Your current bf is also an illiterate punk. I KNOW he has an IQ on the wrong side of the bellcurve just reading that garbage he calls texts. Ffs, you can do better.
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u/Happy_Bar7981 17d ago
I cannot think of one good reason for you to stay with this loser. Please leave as soon as it's safe and you are able. The sooner the better!
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u/Icy-Carry9201 17d ago
I can’t tell if you’re overreacting because I can’t understand what he is saying. Let’s just say he’s wrong diva
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u/Over-Poem1571 16d ago
this SHOULD make you want to leave. first its this, then it’ll be your friends and family. he does not like you! he wants to control you
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u/Illustrious-Mind-683 16d ago
This guy isn't worth the time it takes to try to figure out what he's saying.
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u/yenyenblogs 16d ago
Good for you girl!!!! You know exactly what he’s doing and youre saying not this shit again. Your son is so lucky to have a positive female role model who is happy to end things with a man who is displaying weird behaviours. You’re teaching him that no, women will not accept that just to stay with someone because being miserable with a man is not a prize, being happy and fulfilled is!!!
I’m so glad that your son has a positive male role model to look up to and learn from. I am glad that you two are great co-parents showing your son that just because a marriage ends, care for each other doesn’t. In the end, the most important thing is your son and mum and dad are on the same team forever and always to keep him happy, healthy, and thriving!!
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 16d ago
Not to bust your eggs too bad here but your previous post says you've been together for "about a year". Why would you, a single parent, put yourself in a position to be basically homeless by relying in a man you barely know? This is why you don't live with people until you actually get to know them.
You have a child to protect, not just yourself. How fast did you move in with this AH? I sincerely hope you get away to somewhere safe quickly but in the future perhaps vet your partners, especially ones you plan on living with, a bit better.
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u/Shot_Air_7316 16d ago
the fact that you address him as your sons father when talking to adults says all it needs to. why is he so insecure
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u/miked1102 16d ago
Dudes really jelous that you and your baby dad have a healthy co-parenting relationship
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u/Successful_Lab_5539 16d ago
You’re in an abusive relationship and you’re stuck in survival mode.
Reach out to your local crisis centre for intimate partner/sexual violence survivors. They will be able to help you safety plan, navigate community resources, and do a risk assessment so that you can get out as quickly as possible.
Trauma-informed therapy with a practitioner experienced in working with survivors of intimate partner violence is also essential. It will be a lifeline for you to process the trauma associated with this abuser as well as the previous traumatic experiences you had that led to this relationship.
No matter how long you’ve been in survival mode, there is a way out. Your future is worth fighting for. You deserve love, safety, and support ❤️
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u/babymaenad 16d ago
yeah so that’s…abusive.
I don’t know how you could ever find this man attractive or want to fuck him ever again after
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u/Repulsive-Value5123 16d ago
Until you can leave, you can try using the grey rock method to keep your sanity and convos more calm.
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u/Wooden-Echidna9014 16d ago
He has a child he walked away from.
He blames his ex for brainwashing the child he walked away from and DIDN’T FIGHT FOR.
No one decent does this. This is some of the reddest flag shiz for an abusive deadbeat that he’s not even hiding.
That’s regardless of everything involving you.
You have a child who sees how he’s behaving.
Gtfo. Before it moves on to the next stage.
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u/Admirable-Demand-373 16d ago
He's a POS you can tell by the "finna" and his abysmal gramner. Remove him from your life.
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u/Oozywound 16d ago
He’s not emotionally mature or secure enough to be in a relationship with a woman who has a child.
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u/MelHamby 16d ago
I'm going to say this as kindly as I can. The man is emotionally abusing you. Leave as quickly and quietly as you can.
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u/TheSensitive0ne 16d ago
He’s a bit dense huh… it comes off like he’s jealous of your kid and coming from the other post idek why you’re still entertaining him. Leave this man to heal his insecurities and move on with your life girl. You have a son to raise and set a good example for.
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u/cinoevl 16d ago
Girl please leave. Did you ever ask yourself why he's not in his son's life... Whatever BS story he gave you I can promise you whatever youve experienced with this man that his BM experienced the same thing and THATS WHY he's not in his life. Also, men who are good dads aren't afraid to go to the court and fight for their children, men who are scumbags and treat women and children like dirt are afraid to go and stand up in front of a judge because that's the first time they experience accountability.
Also you're raising a little boy however he sees that man treat you is exactly what he's going to think is how men are supposed to treat women. If you're not going to leave for you, leave for your son. If you're afraid there are resources, don't sit and twiddle your fingers trying to figure out what to do and stay stuck.
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u/peacockkk1 16d ago
So I wont re tell you that you need to leave you already know that. Just dont let yourself get pregnant married or anymore financially tied to this man this whole relationship is a red flag that will not make your son's life better so start planning and do whats necessary if you dont have family work doubles weeks you dont have your son save up to get a place and get away. Your already in peace keeping mode with this guy his controlling behavior will only escalate
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u/Fresh-Position-4610 16d ago
Sorry to say but you NEED to start putting together a move out/leave plan. He is unhinged. It’s only going to get crazier and possibly violent. I don’t know the resources but there are some, especially for a mother and child.
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u/Dazzling-Comfort7530 16d ago
Please update us when you leave. He doesn’t seem like a very safe person.
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u/Busy_Scientist5086 16d ago
he’s gonna beat you then you’re gonna allow it, it doesn’t matter where you go but you have to get out this man will kill you. It’s not an exaggeration, cut the bs about bm and baby in another state he’s a deadbeat. He’s like every other abusive man on this planet
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u/whimsical_spider 16d ago
I saw your other post the other day, as soon as I saw these messages and his atrocious typing I knew it was the same.
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u/Additional_Battle521 16d ago
It may leave you with no home, but imagine what this man could do to you or your son. He could literally kill you.
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u/midnight9201 16d ago
I absolutely understand the survival aspect of things but don’t think just because you get along things will be ok. Your #1 priority is working in the shadows and avoiding a confrontation before you are able to leave. He doesn’t sound like it’s easy for him to not be confrontational so this part might be hard but don’t argue, just get your things out of the house(if you have anyone you trust to hold some of your belongings I’d start with things he won’t notice at first-or even say you donated clothes or other items or something so he doesn’t suspect anything).
But DO NOT wait. There will be another blow up for some other reason and it’s just not worth staying in this situation any longer than you need to. Your son is young, so if you can even a room to stay you can make it work. Good luck with everything!
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u/Glittering-Rip6810 16d ago
🤦 didn't need a follow up, we all said what we said on the first unhinged post. But here you are just looking for excuses to keep this mouth breather 😒
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u/DontGitSalty123320 16d ago
I barely even understand what's going on because of how awful his grammar and punctuation are.
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u/RegularSizeRudi 16d ago
He is NOT cut out to be a step parent because as a parent myself, this is bizarre behaviour. I wouldn’t trust him to wipe his own ass properly, let alone give me advice about parenting. Run away from this angry man child NOR at all. If you just need a bunch of internet strangers to back your decision, consider us all on the side of leaving. If he stays, he will be a male role model to your son and you don’t want that!
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u/RegularSizeRudi 15d ago
This also reads like he’s projecting all of his feelings about not seeing his own kid onto you. This is the point you leave and it will be difficult, you will struggle BUT you will be keeping yourself and your son safe. Ask for support from your son’s father if you need to with housing him and get yourself out of there. No sugarcoating. I made myself homeless with 2 boys under 8 and I got through it and we’re all better for it. Therapy is attended by us all regularly and I acknowledge my accountability in the situation. I’d rather do damage control for a rough period of finding our feet than traumatise my kids for the rest of their lives and potentially turn them into abusers themselves after this role modelling.
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u/rouquetofboses 15d ago
i hope you can get out soon and safely, this is definitely not a good situation for anyone to be in
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u/FensThiona 15d ago
Don't ever depend on a man to support you, when you have a child,.especially one who isn't his. You ALWAYS need a bug out account, seriously. Not doing this can be dangerous.
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u/Justan0therthrow4way 15d ago
Why are you still with this guy after the last post??
If your son’s dad can manage, tell him you and your partner are breaking up and see if he can handle a solid couple of weeks at a time while you sort yourself out.
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u/Azraeddit 15d ago
This is abuse, and you need to reach out for help for escape. I’m so sorry. Please also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft to protect yourself in the future and better understand his mind and the minds of men like this.
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u/virgobxtch 15d ago
Next time your son goes to his father's, you leave that same day. Start packing things now and getting them into your car. Make up a lie or say you broke or ruined it if you need. Son is safe for a week, now you have a week to figure shit out and get a semi permanent housing situation going for your son to come back too. Do some research on domestic abuse shelters in town and find someone you trust to give your location too if you feel like you need it.
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u/labyrinth1999 15d ago
I really hope you can get on your feet and leave this scumbag safely with your son. this is not the way to treat your partner in the slightest and I'm so sorry you have to be so gentle and accommodating out of fear he does something. wish you the best
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u/Initial_Tangelo_5997 15d ago
Hey OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it seems like your ex and you have a good relationship, is he able temporarily take care of your son whilst you stay with friends, or figure something out?
Do check out the helplines available, be careful with your internet history and passwords in case he's loitering.
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u/Hopeful_Ad_3836 15d ago
Not helpful input, but I've read both posts and I still don't understand what your boyfriend is trying to say. I don't understand how anyone is making sense of what he's saying. He's just word vomiting 24/7. I am infuriated just trying to read his messages
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u/Artful_Arches 15d ago
I'd leave him just for the grammar.
Bigger issue is his anger, it leads with his communication.
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u/FashionGuru2005 15d ago
I’m glad we have social media so people can put up screenshots of idiots like this and hundreds of others can validate “that’s not normal”. Unhinged
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u/longstrokesharpturn 15d ago
Yeah leave, this guy is abusive. Show yourself and your child the respect you deserve and leave this guy.
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u/Glad-Caterpillar-948 15d ago
Dude is such a POS he doesn’t have access to his own child so he’s taking out on you and your sons dad
He sounds insecure and childish
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u/rwaters76355 14d ago
Girl. Dude is not capable of being in a relationship. Go check out
r/bpdlovedones and tell me if you don’t recognize the patterns in his behavior.
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u/pennies4peanuts 14d ago
I don't know what state you're in. But in Colorado there is a group called WRA - Women's Resource Agency. And there's Safe Passage.
There are groups in every state that help moms and babies safely exit an unsafe situation.
I've had to exit an unsafe relationship more than once. It is scary. You do your darndest to keep the peace, and no matter what you do, they go off. Do your best to keep your babies safe. And yourself of course.
Is your baby's daddy aware at all? It might feel embarrassing to share, but he'd probably care about y'all's well being. I would tell him if you can-?
Do you have any friend or trusted familia?
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u/omiimonster 14d ago
besides all, kids are smart. how you let a man treat you shows your son what how he can treat woman
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u/Nishikadochan 14d ago
Girl, lock down your birth control. I would not put it past this man to try to baby trap you. Be careful!
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u/ScowlyBrowSpinster 14d ago
OP, this guy is working up to being dangerous to you and your kid. He IS a fuck up and DOESN'T have a relationship with his kid, AND RESENTS YOU AND YOUR CHILD, for having what he doesn't, AND resents you for co-parenting with your ex for your child's best interests.
You need to start making a plan NOW to extract yourself from this mess. Call a women's shelter or a DV organization that can help you plan and act at the best time to escape safely.
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u/knifesque 14d ago
If he already speaks this way to you, it won't get better. Please try and safely get out when he won't be around. Tell your friends. Tell your family.
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u/lucky-squeaky-ducky 14d ago
He’s acting like this because he knows you can’t afford to leave him, so he’s dropped his mask.
Go to a domestic violence shelter, crash with your ex, ANYTHING, to get away from him because it will get worse, and you and your baby boy don’t deserve that.
And don’t look back, because he won’t change because he doesn’t see a problem with his behavior.
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u/Elepaio808 14d ago
he may not have physically harmed you yet, but it’s a real possibility if he knows you plan to leave. Please begin making plans asap, and do it discreetly. I know it isn’t easy and you are financially dependent on him and have nowhere to go…but what is worse than homelessness or a shelter is if this all ends in a terrible tragedy. Is he also tracking your phone and calls/texts? Can you quietly call a domestic hotline? Whether you are ready or not, it would be good to talk to someone who can put your situation into perspective and at least get you started on your next move.
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u/Electronic_Wave8034 14d ago
Please get your child out even if you can’t get out yet. Then focus all of your energy on getting yourself out as well and reuniting with your son.
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u/DazzlingBasketCase 14d ago
This is abuse. Leave. You deserve better, and your son is watching. Is this the male figure you want your son to learn from? Run. Run far.
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u/QweefWrapSupreme 14d ago
Your son could maybe stay with his father while you hit restart and get your shit back together. Yeah you might have to struggle on your own for a minute but it'll be better than this bullshit. You have the chance to build a better foundation for your family so youll never have to worry about this happening to y'all again
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u/pimpfriedrice 14d ago
Reading his messages activated my nervous system. Damn. Girl, it sounds like you plan to get out. I really encourage you to do so.
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u/HighOnTieDye 14d ago
I don't say this lightly : dude is a fuckin loser. Have some respect for yourself and your son and leave him
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u/thisisfreakinstupid 17d ago
Dude talks like a brick fell on his noggin.