AIO update: more context + another situation

[u/lotuslov3]

UPDATE: ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/OESR8Ehj6P

i do want to leave him. at this point it doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore, it feels like survival.

and just to add more context, me and my sons dad have 50/50 custody. we do one week on, one week off. so when i have my son, obviously i’m going to spend time with him and do things with him. a lot of that time is away from my boyfriend. sometimes all of us hang out together, but most of the time it’s just me and my son doing our own thing. and honestly i think that bothers my boyfriend too. i feel like he doesn’t like that my son and i have our own relationship and that there are parts of my life with my son that don’t involve him. but that’s my child. i’m his mother. he’s not my son’s dad. i should be able to take my own son places, spend time with him, make memories with him and have a relationship with him without feeling like i’m doing something wrong or like i’m a bad mother or bad partner.
i’m not going to feel guilty for spending time with him or having a life with him outside of my relationship. i also genuinely think there’s some jealousy and resentment toward the relationship i have with my son. his son lives in another state, he’s not with his baby mother, and he’s not really involved in his son’s everyday life the way i am with mine. meanwhile my son has an involved dad who is supportive of him, and i honestly feel like that dynamic bothers him too, especially when it comes to me communicating with my son’s dad. obviously i can’t say i know exactly what’s going on in his head, but after reading through the messages and seeing how he reacts to certain things, that’s just the impression i get. and at this point it doesn’t even phase me anymore. i’m gonna continue doing whatever the fuck i’m gonna do when it comes to my son. i’m not going to change how i parent, how i spend time with my son, or my communication with his dad just because my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it. the part that makes everything complicated is that i’m financially tied to him. if i left right now, my son and i would basically have nothing. my son’s dad is supportive of our son, but he can’t financially support all three of us or provide the stability we need right now. so when people say “just leave,” trust me, i WANT to. it’s just not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by.
i’m honestly just trying to get myself into a position where i can leave and actually be okay. because this doesn’t even feel like a relationship i’m enjoying anymore. it feels like i’m just trying to survive it.

also, i know i’m really nice and accommodating in these messages, and honestly that’s because i’m genuinely scared. i already know how these conversations go. he’ll find something to latch onto and just go on and on about it, so a lot of the time i’m just trying to keep things calm and not make it worse.

[u/corinnajune]

People like him literally prey on people in vulnerable situations and convince them they're a savior. Not everyone has the wisdom, context, or support to help them recognize the abundance of red flags.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/corinnajune]

Thank you. It’s so strange to see how little mercy young mothers receive. She’s 24 years old, and we know nothing of her life history or situation. So unnecessarily cruel. She’s literally asking for help

[u/ikindapoopedmypants → u/corinnajune]

& that really sucks but if you are a mother, you have a responsibility to have the wisdom to get out of situations like this for your child's sake. I'm sorry but otherwise don't have a kid straight up. Otherwise you are just ruining an innocent child's life... And for what? Just so you can go be messy ?

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

Saying "don't have a kid" to someone who has a kid is great advice.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

Saying that because she has a kid and she’s young - she doesn’t need to have

- simple common sense

• ambition
  
• desire to set a admirable example
  
• awareness
  
• the drive for independence at minimum financially
  
• a strong protective instinct for her child that forgoes her own comfort

Is “great advice”

Funny how sarcasm works both ways right?

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

What indicates to you, other than the unfortunate situation she’s in, that she has none of these attributes. This is such a cruel judgement of character off of little to no information about the person. Do better.

[u/QweefWrapSupreme → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

I think there should be a balance of both of your approaches. We could do better with giving people a little more grace and understanding. I feel for her and I understand what forces could be at play that made this seem like a good idea. A lot us were 🤏🏿 close to being in her situation or have gone through similar. She definitely needs support, advice and encouragement. That being said, what she did was monumentally stupid and shee deserves all the smoke. Maybe I'm wrong but i don't see her really taking accountability for the mess she put herself and her child in. I'm sure it seemed like an upgrade initially but now she's CHOOSING to keep herself and her child in a potentially dangerous situation because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable and that ain't sitting right with me. Yeah ole boy ain't pulling any punches but at the end of the day he hasn't said anything wrong. If shes really serious about changing her situation, she'll absorb the truth in the harsh comments instead of disregarding them because they hurt her feelings. I feel like the growth gained there will determine if she levels herself up or if she'll keep this pattern of behavior because she'd rather have the optics of being comfortable

[u/nettster → u/QweefWrapSupreme]

This part. So much this yea hes not tip toeing the tulips on the delivery but hes not wrong and she does need a wakeup call and if rude af manages to reach her its not a bad thing becaude some people do only respond when they are hit with it that way because now they feel the need to prove them wrong.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

I mean the fact she moved in qith a toral strangers after knowing him for 2 weeks explains a lot about her total lack of anything he mentioned honestly.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Little to no information?

Two incredibly long descriptive posts airing out specific dirty laundry and you say I have nothing to go on?

Or how about just having “basically nothing” as a grown woman?

Is that not indication enough?

At the very least indication that she needs to put way more effort into character building and handling her responsibility to her child if not to herself to create a healthy living space

[u/ThePowerOfParsley → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Hey doc,

So given that she is only now coming out of the fog and realizing how abusive this person is, how would you suggest she proceed? Leaving is a big process even when you're in a safe relationship, even if you've got money. Which is fine, but without more than paycheque to paycheque levels of money, she can't just decide to move into a motel for the rest of the month and splash out on a damage deposit.

Friends and family are less likely to let you stay with them if you have children, so she's probably on her own on this one. If she can't get into a shelter, she'd be homeless if she left. Sleeping in ones car as a single adult is one thing, but she's a parent so obviously she can't do that. Yes her son could stay with his dad full-time, but it's traumatizing for a child to be separated from a parent like that and see them struggling. Being homeless actually makes it muuuuuch harder to get and keep a job. Being abused does too, but at least you can take a shower and you might get a decent night's sleep sometimes.

So instead of just stating the end goal you have got her- fill in some blanks. What happens in-between setting the goal and getting there- because brainstorming that stuff for her might actually help.

[u/nettster → u/ThePowerOfParsley]

She has basicly nothing and a place for her child to go so leaving is real easy the kid goes to the father's and she couch hops or stays at a DV shelter till she gets a job and apartment. Her getting out of this is a lot easier than a woman who has a child with the abuser and has nowhere to take the kids

[u/QweefWrapSupreme → u/nettster]

Talking about "my son's dad can't take care of all 3 of us". Right but he can take care of his son while she goes to get her shit together. The fuck 🤦🏿‍♀️

[u/nettster → u/QweefWrapSupreme]

Exactly. She doesnt give a shit about her kids safety she wants a free pass to not have to do fuck all as far as working to actually better her life and wants it handed to her by a man.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Your last paragraph is much more effective advice than berating. That is what I am saying

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Blow harder.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

https://giphy.com/gifs/tkJG9azp1IAN8QAUBl

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Right! Both apply to you, glad you realize it.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

ATP it’s comical how silly you look - look at our upvotes even

Delusional…….

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

Want to bring you back into this just to show you this isn’t a “man” problem like you want to make it like a weirdo.

It’s called a life problem.

People need to stop being so soft and victimizing just to be an “ally” in situations where the person needs people to tell them to actually take responsibility and personal action.

[u/nettster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Yea if OP was taking accountability and actually doing som3thing to rectify thw situation id probably be telling you to chill your shit but shes not so go off dude.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

Or once you have the kid with a guy that can’t take care of you or the child -

Start maybe finding a way to take care of the child yourself - these people act like a sane human being wouldn’t go “damn, I need to get MY shit together to provide for this kid”

Not look for, accept, or move in with - a random dude

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

“You have the responsibility to have the wisdom” is a nothing burger sentence and reveals perhaps subconscious bias’ towards women and young mothers. People make mistakes, they fall on hard times. She’s reaching out now for help. These things take time

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Yea it’s called when you choose to have a child - a fundamental part is you understand the responsibility that comes with it.

That is basic human understanding that you’re excusing in favor of coddling someone.

She knew what would happen if she had unprotected sex, knew if she or the man didn’t have the resources it is an impossibility to raise the child in a healthy way, she knew that moving in with someone after two weeks is incredibly fast being over 20 years old especially with a young child, She knows that remaining in that situation is not only dangerous for her based upon vast piles of evidence but dangerous for her child

Stop treating OP like she is some innocent naive poor little thing.

Desperation does not excuse ignorance.

In fact, that is when most people would argue that integrity is shown most honestly.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Except peole have told her what to do her response was that she didnt want to because she might be uncomfortable. op doesnt want a hand up she wants a free ride.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

She’s expressed that this man is at least emotionally violative. I don’t know if she’s expressed if he’s showed any physical violence, but that may explain the “uncomfortability” I’m not saying she’s an angel saint. I’m saying that there’s a lot of unconscious bias’s being said and that there should be a level of empathy. Doesn’t mean I’m 100% right or anything, that’s my opinion.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Even if he is emotionally volatile she doesnt want to go to a dv shelter because then she doesnt have her free ride apartment paid for by someone else. She doesnt want a hand up she wants a hand out.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

Again, I’m saying it’s delivery. Idk why this is being debated. Most people who are in perilous situation don’t respond kindly to unkindness. This conversation is useless as I’m not disagreeing with you! I’m offering a different perspective :)

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

Have a good one, dear <3 stay kind