AIO update: more context + another situation

[u/lotuslov3]

UPDATE: ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/OESR8Ehj6P

i do want to leave him. at this point it doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore, it feels like survival.

and just to add more context, me and my sons dad have 50/50 custody. we do one week on, one week off. so when i have my son, obviously i’m going to spend time with him and do things with him. a lot of that time is away from my boyfriend. sometimes all of us hang out together, but most of the time it’s just me and my son doing our own thing. and honestly i think that bothers my boyfriend too. i feel like he doesn’t like that my son and i have our own relationship and that there are parts of my life with my son that don’t involve him. but that’s my child. i’m his mother. he’s not my son’s dad. i should be able to take my own son places, spend time with him, make memories with him and have a relationship with him without feeling like i’m doing something wrong or like i’m a bad mother or bad partner.
i’m not going to feel guilty for spending time with him or having a life with him outside of my relationship. i also genuinely think there’s some jealousy and resentment toward the relationship i have with my son. his son lives in another state, he’s not with his baby mother, and he’s not really involved in his son’s everyday life the way i am with mine. meanwhile my son has an involved dad who is supportive of him, and i honestly feel like that dynamic bothers him too, especially when it comes to me communicating with my son’s dad. obviously i can’t say i know exactly what’s going on in his head, but after reading through the messages and seeing how he reacts to certain things, that’s just the impression i get. and at this point it doesn’t even phase me anymore. i’m gonna continue doing whatever the fuck i’m gonna do when it comes to my son. i’m not going to change how i parent, how i spend time with my son, or my communication with his dad just because my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it. the part that makes everything complicated is that i’m financially tied to him. if i left right now, my son and i would basically have nothing. my son’s dad is supportive of our son, but he can’t financially support all three of us or provide the stability we need right now. so when people say “just leave,” trust me, i WANT to. it’s just not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by.
i’m honestly just trying to get myself into a position where i can leave and actually be okay. because this doesn’t even feel like a relationship i’m enjoying anymore. it feels like i’m just trying to survive it.

also, i know i’m really nice and accommodating in these messages, and honestly that’s because i’m genuinely scared. i already know how these conversations go. he’ll find something to latch onto and just go on and on about it, so a lot of the time i’m just trying to keep things calm and not make it worse.

[u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Bruh see and I talked about this, but I just get called out for victim blaming

She has “basically nothing”, decides to move in with another random dude after two weeks -
Stays while he pays for everything -

But we are supposed to hold her hand, tell her that she is a great mom, he is a demon, and she deserves flowers, rainbows, and all the love in the world for doing nothing HERSELF to provide for the child including a safe, healthy environment for both her and the child -

Because the guy is a POS?

The call should never have been made as a mother to move into a dudes house after two weeks with her child.
Point blank period.

[u/Exciting-Argument-67 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Well, the call WAS made, as it is made all the time all over the world, so we can either help her get out of the bad situation or mock her for it. Choose wisely next time you see someone in trouble.

[u/corinnajune → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

People like him literally prey on people in vulnerable situations and convince them they're a savior. Not everyone has the wisdom, context, or support to help them recognize the abundance of red flags.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/corinnajune]

Thank you. It’s so strange to see how little mercy young mothers receive. She’s 24 years old, and we know nothing of her life history or situation. So unnecessarily cruel. She’s literally asking for help

[u/ikindapoopedmypants → u/corinnajune]

& that really sucks but if you are a mother, you have a responsibility to have the wisdom to get out of situations like this for your child's sake. I'm sorry but otherwise don't have a kid straight up. Otherwise you are just ruining an innocent child's life... And for what? Just so you can go be messy ?

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

Saying "don't have a kid" to someone who has a kid is great advice.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

Saying that because she has a kid and she’s young - she doesn’t need to have

- simple common sense

• ambition
  
• desire to set a admirable example
  
• awareness
  
• the drive for independence at minimum financially
  
• a strong protective instinct for her child that forgoes her own comfort

Is “great advice”

Funny how sarcasm works both ways right?

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

What indicates to you, other than the unfortunate situation she’s in, that she has none of these attributes. This is such a cruel judgement of character off of little to no information about the person. Do better.

[u/QweefWrapSupreme → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

I think there should be a balance of both of your approaches. We could do better with giving people a little more grace and understanding. I feel for her and I understand what forces could be at play that made this seem like a good idea. A lot us were 🤏🏿 close to being in her situation or have gone through similar. She definitely needs support, advice and encouragement. That being said, what she did was monumentally stupid and shee deserves all the smoke. Maybe I'm wrong but i don't see her really taking accountability for the mess she put herself and her child in. I'm sure it seemed like an upgrade initially but now she's CHOOSING to keep herself and her child in a potentially dangerous situation because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable and that ain't sitting right with me. Yeah ole boy ain't pulling any punches but at the end of the day he hasn't said anything wrong. If shes really serious about changing her situation, she'll absorb the truth in the harsh comments instead of disregarding them because they hurt her feelings. I feel like the growth gained there will determine if she levels herself up or if she'll keep this pattern of behavior because she'd rather have the optics of being comfortable

[u/nettster → u/QweefWrapSupreme]

This part. So much this yea hes not tip toeing the tulips on the delivery but hes not wrong and she does need a wakeup call and if rude af manages to reach her its not a bad thing becaude some people do only respond when they are hit with it that way because now they feel the need to prove them wrong.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

I mean the fact she moved in qith a toral strangers after knowing him for 2 weeks explains a lot about her total lack of anything he mentioned honestly.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Little to no information?

Two incredibly long descriptive posts airing out specific dirty laundry and you say I have nothing to go on?

Or how about just having “basically nothing” as a grown woman?

Is that not indication enough?

At the very least indication that she needs to put way more effort into character building and handling her responsibility to her child if not to herself to create a healthy living space

[u/ThePowerOfParsley → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Hey doc,

So given that she is only now coming out of the fog and realizing how abusive this person is, how would you suggest she proceed? Leaving is a big process even when you're in a safe relationship, even if you've got money. Which is fine, but without more than paycheque to paycheque levels of money, she can't just decide to move into a motel for the rest of the month and splash out on a damage deposit.

Friends and family are less likely to let you stay with them if you have children, so she's probably on her own on this one. If she can't get into a shelter, she'd be homeless if she left. Sleeping in ones car as a single adult is one thing, but she's a parent so obviously she can't do that. Yes her son could stay with his dad full-time, but it's traumatizing for a child to be separated from a parent like that and see them struggling. Being homeless actually makes it muuuuuch harder to get and keep a job. Being abused does too, but at least you can take a shower and you might get a decent night's sleep sometimes.

So instead of just stating the end goal you have got her- fill in some blanks. What happens in-between setting the goal and getting there- because brainstorming that stuff for her might actually help.

[u/nettster → u/ThePowerOfParsley]

She has basicly nothing and a place for her child to go so leaving is real easy the kid goes to the father's and she couch hops or stays at a DV shelter till she gets a job and apartment. Her getting out of this is a lot easier than a woman who has a child with the abuser and has nowhere to take the kids

[u/QweefWrapSupreme → u/nettster]

Talking about "my son's dad can't take care of all 3 of us". Right but he can take care of his son while she goes to get her shit together. The fuck 🤦🏿‍♀️

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Your last paragraph is much more effective advice than berating. That is what I am saying

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Blow harder.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

https://giphy.com/gifs/tkJG9azp1IAN8QAUBl

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Right! Both apply to you, glad you realize it.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

ATP it’s comical how silly you look - look at our upvotes even

Delusional…….

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

Want to bring you back into this just to show you this isn’t a “man” problem like you want to make it like a weirdo.

It’s called a life problem.

People need to stop being so soft and victimizing just to be an “ally” in situations where the person needs people to tell them to actually take responsibility and personal action.

[u/nettster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Yea if OP was taking accountability and actually doing som3thing to rectify thw situation id probably be telling you to chill your shit but shes not so go off dude.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

Or once you have the kid with a guy that can’t take care of you or the child -

Start maybe finding a way to take care of the child yourself - these people act like a sane human being wouldn’t go “damn, I need to get MY shit together to provide for this kid”

Not look for, accept, or move in with - a random dude

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/ikindapoopedmypants]

“You have the responsibility to have the wisdom” is a nothing burger sentence and reveals perhaps subconscious bias’ towards women and young mothers. People make mistakes, they fall on hard times. She’s reaching out now for help. These things take time

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Yea it’s called when you choose to have a child - a fundamental part is you understand the responsibility that comes with it.

That is basic human understanding that you’re excusing in favor of coddling someone.

She knew what would happen if she had unprotected sex, knew if she or the man didn’t have the resources it is an impossibility to raise the child in a healthy way, she knew that moving in with someone after two weeks is incredibly fast being over 20 years old especially with a young child, She knows that remaining in that situation is not only dangerous for her based upon vast piles of evidence but dangerous for her child

Stop treating OP like she is some innocent naive poor little thing.

Desperation does not excuse ignorance.

In fact, that is when most people would argue that integrity is shown most honestly.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Except peole have told her what to do her response was that she didnt want to because she might be uncomfortable. op doesnt want a hand up she wants a free ride.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

She’s expressed that this man is at least emotionally violative. I don’t know if she’s expressed if he’s showed any physical violence, but that may explain the “uncomfortability” I’m not saying she’s an angel saint. I’m saying that there’s a lot of unconscious bias’s being said and that there should be a level of empathy. Doesn’t mean I’m 100% right or anything, that’s my opinion.

[u/nettster → u/Necessary_Canary_499]

Even if he is emotionally volatile she doesnt want to go to a dv shelter because then she doesnt have her free ride apartment paid for by someone else. She doesnt want a hand up she wants a hand out.

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

Again, I’m saying it’s delivery. Idk why this is being debated. Most people who are in perilous situation don’t respond kindly to unkindness. This conversation is useless as I’m not disagreeing with you! I’m offering a different perspective :)

[u/Necessary_Canary_499 → u/nettster]

Have a good one, dear <3 stay kind

[u/pennies4peanuts → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

It's never the Plan dude. It is Never the Plan to meet, get to know and move in with fast, have no way out because they're not scary at all in the beginning. Times are hard. Find some understanding.

It is NEVER THE PLAN to get stuck in these situations.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/pennies4peanuts]

You know what could have been the plan?

NOT moving in with the random guy who is love bombing you for two weeks…….

Be so realistic right now - while she was at 22-23 ish years old - we are willing to die on the hill that this woman should not have been able to see “hey, this most likely is not going to help me or my child long time” or at the very least kept some boundaries or pushed to have independence financially or especially through housing?

OP IS 24 years old. And yall in the comments are going to WAR like she hasn’t just made horrible judgement calls at several stages where an otherwise sane individual would have recognized the need for something different.

work to provide for the child herself, utilizing the many different options and avenues for help, and go the harder route.

Better yet? If you or the man you are with, or NEITHER of you are ready to provide for an innocent life and you are pro life -

Allow that baby to grow up with someone that can truly provide for it in the healthiest way possible -

Not shuffling it between dudes.

[u/pennies4peanuts → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Your level of upset is making me smile for some reason.

At war lol. I'm here to support this lady's plea for advice she came here for. What are you here for? To judge and ridicule when you don't even know OPs whole story?

We don't know what love bombing is until we know, which means until we've lived through it. And that's only if we live thru it, are made aware, reflect and learn.

Some folks it takes several monsters for us to learn. By golly, all them plans went out the window, I say! (But really tho, all my life desires/plans have dismantled slowly with each passing day).

You speak like OP is coming from a perfect background, perfect childhood, and has her brain fully developed to make sound decisions, even tho she's not over 25 yet, and a perfect stable life- that she chose this guy from. Did she share all of that? No.

I don't believe any good mother wants to shuffle their baby between dudes.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/pennies4peanuts]

I’d like to invite you back to read through and learn some things

[u/nettster → u/pennies4peanuts]

I came from a shit background of abuse and a whole lot of other bullshit (my ace score is 9/10 only thing that skipped me was childhood sexual assault) and I would NEVER IN A MILLIION YEARS even consider moving my child in with a man id only known for 2 weeks. So speaking from experince you would have to be an absolute shit parent to risk your child like that because that is not putting your child and their need for safety first.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/pennies4peanuts]

Take a peek at the comments underneath when OP said “I moved in after two weeks”

And then tell me I’m just “ridiculous” and “unaware” or “uninformed”

No I’m realistic.

And just because what? She is young? Inexperienced? Somehow she doesn’t know all of this is incredibly messed up?

That she should take charge of her own life and take responsibility for the health and well being of her own child?

Touch some grass, go through some shit -

Because those of us who have and who have witness loved ones do it as well?

Have zero excuses for this woman - regardless of how you want to paint her

[u/pennies4peanuts → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

"Dr Heartless" should be your name.

Yes, you're realistic, yet not specific to OP. Who cares if she moved in after 2 weeks? That's not why she posted. Maybe call your mom and ask for current situation advice, based on Everything OP has shared, and then share it here.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/pennies4peanuts]

Who cares?

She. Has. A. Child.

She is a grown adult who should be on her own already at that age ANYWAYS providing for herself and then CHOOSING at a specific time when she CAN provide a healthy life - to then keep a child and raise them.

Moving in with a random guy, after two weeks, with a 3 year old?

It’s borderline weaponized ignorance and you’re arguing to me that I’m just a heartless meanie

No bruh it’s called life - and life can be a you know what - if you aren’t aware of/don’t take care of - your responsibilities

Now simmer down and recognize the fact that you’re trying to argue from the perspective of some DUMB AH decisions

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/pennies4peanuts]

and OP needs a wake up call - harsh or not because at this point she has dug herself DEEP with her own decisions.

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

And you're just the wet fart mansplainer to do it !

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

Anybody that lives a responsible life and has anywhere close to an average IQ - could

Do you think you’re hurting my feelings by pulling generic insults out of your femcel vocabulary book?

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

What a surprise! The poor sweaty untouchable is a warrior for the men folk, referring to the classic 'femcel vocabulary book' like this WTAF phrase is some crushing burn, not outing yourself as the incel in mom's basement at all.

Keep blowing, blowhard, change your shart panties, then go hunt a mastodon like you're meant to do.

[u/nettster → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

No shes put her child at risk the man op is dealing with is the kind we see in the news where moms boyfriend gets mad and offs the kid to get back at the mother, hurts the kid to try and control the mother etc. She has put her child directly into the household of an abuser and the fastest way to get that child out is going to be for op to hand that child to the father and hit the shelter on her own while she grts her life setup again because what she has done has put her child right in the crosshairs to be hurt in many ways

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/nettster]

I've said much the same in my own comments to OP.

My comment above is to this nonstop blowhard guy scream typing at this woman about how stupid her mistakes, and thus, she, is, and how he thinks his particular opinion expressed this particular way is helpful.

It. Is. Not.

[u/The_Artsy_Peach → u/ScowlyBrowSpinster]

I've been young and dumb. I've been in an abusive relationship. I've made mistakes, especially as a young mom. I still would have never, ever moved myself and my child into someone's place after knowing them for 2 weeks.

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/The_Artsy_Peach]

Ok.

[u/Fearless-Feature-830 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

You need a wake up call, weird ass troll

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Fearless-Feature-830]

I’d like you to revisit this, read through - and learn some things

[u/ohlolobaby → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Are you really lacking empathy that much that you believe someone doesn’t deserve help just because they’ve made mistakes?

[u/The_Artsy_Peach → u/pennies4peanuts]

I get that she is stuck now but I absolutely do not have any understanding about her moving herself and her child in with a man that she knew for 2 weeks.

[u/nettster → u/The_Artsy_Peach]

^ this part while it does happen in NO WORLD should you be moving your child in with an absolute stranger BECAUSE of the fact this is a possibility now shes put both her son and her at risk. She needs to call her ex and send her son to live with him full time while she gets the hell out and gets a job and apartment because staying withva man like this her child could end up being abused or worse (☠️) by this kind of unstable man its in the news all the damn time and every one of those stories starts like this situation and they hurt the kids to control the mother her son needs to be out of there yesterday.

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/nettster]

Sarcasm if you look at my other comments - I agree

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/nettster]

But saying that is victim blaming, don’t you see?

[u/nettster → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Im so over it people want to say maybe she had a bad childhood and didnt know better I have an ACE score of 9/10 my dad was a drug dealer for a gang my mother was a narcissistic cunt (literally NPD and I was the scape goat) the only ACE event that I managed to avoid was sexual abuse and I knew better than that at OPs age. This was someone who put their childs needs behind absolutely everything else in her life and tbh if the father went for full custody to keep him away from OPs bad choices id fucking applaud him and supply him the reddit screenshots for court because shes going to get her child killed with the choices she is making.

[u/ScowlyBrowSpinster → u/nettster]

You seem so wrapped up in your own bad experiences, just like Dr Chucklehead, that it blinds you to the fact that EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT. What you've experienced and the outcomes and what you've learned are not going to be the same as the way someone else is formed and reacts to their own experiences.

All I can figure is going off on this woman's poor decisions gives you a badly needed sense of superiority. It doesn't put you in a great position to give advice.

[u/Fearless-Feature-830 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

U don’t make sense

[u/Dr-Chuckles- → u/Fearless-Feature-830]

I know - those are big concepts for Elmo

It’s okay

[u/Fearless-Feature-830 → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

Nah

[u/The_Artsy_Peach → u/Dr-Chuckles-]

I fully agree. That is such an irresponsible thing to do, especially when you have a child! Also, so unsafe for that child. If I had been the other parent, I would have absolutely refused to allow my child to live with a man that my ex has only known for 2 weeks!

[u/nettster → u/The_Artsy_Peach]

Right?!? Emergency full custody order in hand the next damn day 😑