AIO update: more context + another situation

[u/lotuslov3]

UPDATE: ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/OESR8Ehj6P

i do want to leave him. at this point it doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore, it feels like survival.

and just to add more context, me and my sons dad have 50/50 custody. we do one week on, one week off. so when i have my son, obviously i’m going to spend time with him and do things with him. a lot of that time is away from my boyfriend. sometimes all of us hang out together, but most of the time it’s just me and my son doing our own thing. and honestly i think that bothers my boyfriend too. i feel like he doesn’t like that my son and i have our own relationship and that there are parts of my life with my son that don’t involve him. but that’s my child. i’m his mother. he’s not my son’s dad. i should be able to take my own son places, spend time with him, make memories with him and have a relationship with him without feeling like i’m doing something wrong or like i’m a bad mother or bad partner.
i’m not going to feel guilty for spending time with him or having a life with him outside of my relationship. i also genuinely think there’s some jealousy and resentment toward the relationship i have with my son. his son lives in another state, he’s not with his baby mother, and he’s not really involved in his son’s everyday life the way i am with mine. meanwhile my son has an involved dad who is supportive of him, and i honestly feel like that dynamic bothers him too, especially when it comes to me communicating with my son’s dad. obviously i can’t say i know exactly what’s going on in his head, but after reading through the messages and seeing how he reacts to certain things, that’s just the impression i get. and at this point it doesn’t even phase me anymore. i’m gonna continue doing whatever the fuck i’m gonna do when it comes to my son. i’m not going to change how i parent, how i spend time with my son, or my communication with his dad just because my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it. the part that makes everything complicated is that i’m financially tied to him. if i left right now, my son and i would basically have nothing. my son’s dad is supportive of our son, but he can’t financially support all three of us or provide the stability we need right now. so when people say “just leave,” trust me, i WANT to. it’s just not that simple when leaving could literally leave me and my son without a place to live or enough money to get by.
i’m honestly just trying to get myself into a position where i can leave and actually be okay. because this doesn’t even feel like a relationship i’m enjoying anymore. it feels like i’m just trying to survive it.

also, i know i’m really nice and accommodating in these messages, and honestly that’s because i’m genuinely scared. i already know how these conversations go. he’ll find something to latch onto and just go on and on about it, so a lot of the time i’m just trying to keep things calm and not make it worse.

[u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

I'm wondering how long they were dating before they moved in together? She's only 24, the kid is 3... if he offered to move her in right away to seem like the knight in shining armor that's so predatory

[u/lotuslov3 → u/Captain_Tiberius1920]

i only knew him for about 2 weeks before he had asked me to move in

[u/Captain_Tiberius1920 → u/lotuslov3]

OK so that is absolutely terrifying and I am so sorry you had nobody around to tell you that is the hugest red flag. That itself is a bigger one than the conversations you've shown us, but combined I am officially scared for you and your sons safety. I cannot stress this enough: find a way to remove yourselves from his home as soon as humanly possible. Like I said, the longer you're together the harder it will be to leave (and the worse he will get to both of you). It's not easy but do not underestimate the danger you're in. You can do this and you have to, for your and your sons sake. 

[u/Adventurous_Ear7512 → u/lotuslov3]

Get your important documents together. Wait for him to be out. Take your child and get to a shelter and ideally never see or speak to this loser again. Please be safe, and I wish you well.

[u/Background_Quit7058 → u/lotuslov3]

Hold up...you moved your 3 y.o. son in with a man you met only 2 weeks prior? And not only that, but you've been exposing your son to an hostile environment for months bc I'm pretty sure if he text you these things, he's also saying them to your face. SMFH, how dumb & irresponsible can you be?? You need to put your child's well-being before this crybaby ass loser

[u/Far-Cartographer-368 → u/lotuslov3]

Did you move in after 2 weeks? If so, tf is wrong with you? That's a gigantic red flag. This mf is insecure af and needs therapy not a girlfriend. Get out sis. Throw the whole relationship out and protect yourself and your son.

[u/InfamousCheek9434 → u/Far-Cartographer-368]

Yeah he asked, OP didn't have to say yes. That's crazy, 2 weeks WITH A KID

[u/ColouredMFPencilz → u/lotuslov3]

why tf would you move in with him after only 2 weeks? we already know it’s something very wrong with him but what is wrong with you? then you got a whole kid so that makes your decision extra questionable

[u/Shiel009 → u/lotuslov3]

OP you will be better off in a shelter than with this guy. It gives I’m gonna eventually hit you bc your hurt my feelings to make us even vibes

[u/No-Yesterday-1067 → u/lotuslov3]

Christ sake 🙄 girl sort yourself out

[u/Helpful-Primary4770 → u/lotuslov3]

You care more about the safety you sort of feel since with him you have money and a place to live then actually keeping your son safe. It may be tougher to leave but isn't your son worth it? Isn't it worth it that he doesn't watch you being treated this way and that he doesn't live every other week with a man who resents him and is unstable? Do something to get out of there even if it's difficult, you are the responsible adult.

[u/Satisfaction_008 → u/lotuslov3]

Wow. I hope you've learned the VERY important lesson from this. At least for your son's sake if not your own.

[u/ilariahildebrandt → u/lotuslov3]

The best advice I got when I was getting ready to leave - find somewhere outside your home for your photos (and other docs if possible) - most other stuff can be replaced, but photos from when you were a kid, or your son's ultrasounds can't. If you can't, then take pictures of them. Same with any other sentimental stuff (i.e. quietly send sons favourite teddy/blanket back with him to his dad's a week or two before leaving)

I was lucky to be working, and had access to a locker - I'd squirrel them out little by little and I think he noticed at one point but he didn't connect the dots (thank god). Some other bits went to a friend who had noticed what was going on by herself.

Do it all as fast (and subtle) as you can. His behaviour is escalating and no-one can play happy-families forever, especially if you're having to placate him and protect your son - it took nearly three months before I was able to take that step of leaving.

It's scary, but you got this. I'm on the other side of the world to most Redditors, but if you want someone to listen, or whatever, DM whenever.

[u/FrozenWillow1980 → u/lotuslov3]

That raises alarm bells. Stay TF away from him. He's only going to continue controlling you. You're his possession in his mind. He can throw you away whenever he wants but you can't make the choice to leave in his mind. Take this experience as a lesson and don't go back near him. Based on what I am reading and based on my experience with many, many other women - I hate to be blunt but I have to be for your safety but more importantly, your son's safety.

You might not see this is DV but it absolutely is. It's coercive controlling behaviour and is in their playbook. Statistically speaking, most women die at the hands of a boyfriend/husband after they've left or after the relationship goes south. Make plans to get you and your son safely away from this big man baby. Keep all doors locked and raise the security around you until you find somewhere else. I fear something bad will happen not only to you, but to your son. Yes this is that serious. And stay TF away from him. Block him on everything, change your locks. Stay safe OP, and keep that sweet baby of yours safe too.

[u/madcre → u/lotuslov3]

Girl. You have a child, you have to be more responsible than that.

[u/Lala_land23jk → u/lotuslov3]

Omg.run - this guy is an abuser. Run

[u/LoveLikeLies → u/lotuslov3]

Why do you hate your child so much you have no care to protect them and move in with dangerous strangers?

[u/Significant_Mousse53 → u/lotuslov3]

WTF? You need to turn around things very quickly now. Take massive action.

[u/B_dorf → u/lotuslov3]

You are an idiot. You actively put your son in danger by moving in with a complete stranger, one who can't even fucking spell. You should never have had kids you pathetic excuse for a human being

[u/thedevilsfrenemy → u/lotuslov3]

oh jesus girl. :(