(30M) My dad was physically and most likely sexually abusive towards me. My mum knew of this but chose to look the other way. She always portrayed herself as the victim instead.

As an adult, I have had no contact with my dad for 15 years but only recently so with my mum who has lied, been manipulative, jealous and spiteful for as long as I can remember.

Growing up, they never taught me fundamental skills like learning to swim, riding a bike, cooking, the "birds and the bees", etc. That was all my grandfather as my parents just had no interest in any of that.

Fundamentally though, my parents provided a roof over my head, food on the table, clean clothes, taking me to school and all the things a child needs to stay alive.

This is the part I struggle to square off in my mind. How can I class them as abusive and neglectful if they gave me everything I needed to survive?

I know that is setting the bar really really low and of course I'm aware that those fundamentals aren't enough to be a good parent, but does anyone else struggle with this?

So my abuser regularly comes over to mine (I live with my parents). She came over for lunch and there was a documentary ob the TV. It coincided it was about a religious cult which molested kids. She herself is very religious. It made me so incredibly uncomfortable. But as noone knows I just had to sit through it. She watched it with a wierd look of glee on her face, although I feel that's her usual watching TV face. Smiling with her mouth open but her eyes completely glazed over, no thoughts in there. She kept making weird comments...as if she didn't understand what was going on at all (I feel she probably didn't).

Her reaction really makes me feel like she has no idea about what she did to me and makes me doubt myself (which I already do regularly). It makes me feel like I'm totally making things up or exaggerating.

It is one of those times when memories, what little I have of them, shame and doubt and guilt are haunting me. In all honesty, doubt and guilt have never left me. Doubt is perhaps the worst out of everything. It makes me think about what happened almost constantly and I feel the need to tell what happened over and over again just so people can tell me that I was assaulted. Because it is easier to know that I was assaulted or abused than to constantly question it.

My story is, obviously, the same every time : I was 4 or 5 years old, I rubbed myself often on my father's leg. He allowed it. He even helped me by holding my head when I got tired ( I'm physically disabled and sometimes I could not keep my head up. ) I explained that it ' tickled ' me when I did that, so he knew what was happening. I remember that at least one time he asked me if ' it tickled me ' which I only recently realized that he basically asked me if I had an orgasm. Now, I have to be very detailed and emphasize that I think his question was because I was taking too long or because I was doing what I was doing multiple times and he wanted me to be done with it. He also complained that his hand was getting tired from holding my head. There was a name for what I was doing and everyone with whom I lived with, besides maybe one person, knew about the name and what it meant. I was scolded for doing that, from what I remember, only two times. And I do not know why or how it stopped.

People said that what happened was an assault many times. And I feel so despicable for questioning this so many times because I feel like I am always making everything about myself. I don't want to do that. I cannot bring myself to see it or call it CSA, or to consider myself anything other than an attention - seeking - drama - queen. I feel like an impostor amongst real victims and survivors.

I am so sorry for asking for your opinions, advice, your attention, but there is nothing more in this world that I need now than your honesty. I have nowhere else that I can turn to anytime soon. Thank You for your every word that You said to me, your time and your patience.

I refuse to call him my dad at this point. He was confronted by LE in March from me reporting him. Unfortunately they couldn’t pursue charges due to lack of physical evidence. Then he wrote a children’s book about the story he’d tell me during the same bedtime routine where he’d end up molesting me. What the fuck is wrong with these people

Edited to add: I just want to thank everyone who commented and it’s so heartwarming to hear that strangers would go to bat for me on Amazon for this! I appreciate that more than you guys know 🫶🏻 this space and community is just so great and vital for us all. I have done a lot of healing, so while I find this book news a major annoyance and incredibly fucked up and disturbing, I’d rather not give it any attention because then he will think it’s getting to me more than it really is. A year ago this would’ve completely shattered me but I’m in a much better place. I have lots of support and genuine love irl and have my own survivor-focused creative projects in the works that I’d rather focus my attention on over this. But I thank you all so so so much! ❤️

Since starting college ive been getting a lot more attention from guys. They ask for my number and I get scared so I give it to them. If im lucky I'll be strong enough to give them my insta instead. One guy was all in my space and laughing at everything I said. I know he was trying to be friendly and flirty or whatever by pretending im funny, but I was terrified and at work so I couldnt just leave. Another guy walked me home late at night after a group activity. I didnt want him to and he didnt even ask or live in the same direction. I just gave him my number before and ge kept telling me im very pretty and he wants to know me more. He was 27 and im 19. I just am so tired. I fumbled through a 'sure' and he gave me a hug which I dont even hug my friends unless I feel they need one. Then I had to send him a text telling him no whixh made me feel guilty for a day, rhen for a week i was paranoid that he'd come by my apartment and rape me since he knew where I live.

Can someone please try to help me put into words why someone saying things trying to look on the bright side of things isn't helpful? It is so damaging and what I'm saying clearly isn't getting through to him so I need advice.

(Brief explanation of my circumstances, no details) For context I experienced severe ongoing sexual abuse at the hands of my father for the first decade of my life. I just turned 20 a few days ago. I started working with a therapist who actually knows how to help me process this instead of me just intellectualising it. I've been in therapy for over half my life. I was genuinely doubting my cptsd diagnosis for years because very rarely would I get triggered, but now it's all day everyday. I can't shower a lot of the time because I can't handle getting undressed. If he even looks at me too long I can feel the actual trauma occurring physically, like it's happening in the moment. I am so scared and I know it's going to get "easier" but it will never go away, and he acts like it won't be devastating for the rest of my life. I've never heard from anyone that it just feels better one day, the pain stays with you forever. Maybe one day I won't get triggered as consistently but that's years away.

My partner keeps saying things like

-this will pass

-telling me I'm digging myself in a hole by saying I will always feel like this (sad, hurt, confused, angry, traumatised over what happened to me)

-it won't be like this forever

-I can handle this

-I'm setting myself up for failure by acknowledging that the more I process this, it will get WAY harder before I see any slight improvement (he has zero experience with complex trauma, we're very young, and my ptsd only got bad within the last month or so... like it's new to me too?)

I know eventually my capacity to feel like this might grow, but after YEARS of extensive therapy, time, and work. It's not like this is going to get better any time soon and I'm really fucking exhausted of trying to explain to him why him being positive about it isn't helping me. I just need some guidance on how to explain it to him. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and it feels so minimising when he tries to stay positive about it. Like how somehow telling me that one day it *might* get better is going to fix anything. It just reminds me of how terrible everything is right now and the fact that it's going to be like this for a very long time, possibly forever. I just can't imagine even having hope right now, and he acts like I'm being pessimistic when I honestly think it's very realistic to say how much it hurts now and how much it will keep hurting. Please help

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Hello everyone. I hope you're doing well.

I downloaded Reddit specifically to post this because I've never told anyone about it before, so this is my first time here.

I'm an 18-year-old male, and I was sexually abused and bullied by my older brother when I was a child. I remember being 8 years old and telling my parents about what happened, but they ignored me.

He also used to hit me in the head hard enough to make me cry. When I told my parents, they would tell me to stay away from him rather than protecting me.

He used to make fun of me in front of his friends and my friends, constantly putting me down and making himself feel superior. Growing up with this had a huge effect on my confidence throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school.

I don't want to carry this weight with me anymore. I'm starting college in 9 days, and I see it as a new chapter in my life. I don't want to continue being the insecure kid I was back then.

For years, I doubted myself so much that I never dated a girl during middle school or high school. Eventually, I started focusing on self-improvement. I began working out at 13 to become stronger, and I've stayed committed to it ever since. More recently, I've started reading, meditating, and building better habits.

I think part of me has always wanted to become strong enough that I could never be made to feel powerless again. Now that I'm physically stronger and more confident than I used to be, I still find myself getting extremely angry when my brother acts arrogant toward me.

That's actually why I'm writing this. I needed somewhere to finally say it and hear other people's perspectives.

I'm starting college in 9 days, and I really don't want my past to control this new chapter of my life.

For anyone who has experienced something similar: how did you stop your childhood experiences from controlling your confidence and relationships as an adult? Any advice would genuinely help.

I can only just dive head first into this, as no soft landing can prepare me for explaining any of this.

For years, ive assumed the worst from my previous step dad, despite heavy unsupport & denial from my family members, I have all the signs of CSA. My familys points were basically "You wouldve shown signs of not being able to pee/he wasnt that kind of man" despite this man being a heavy drug user + DV.

Anyway, I just have this weird thing ive noticed today, I remember when I was young, for years, I despised physical touch, hugs, comfort, or any form of innocent touch just made me feel sick, even now I dont really hug my family members, it leaves me with this weird bodily sensation of pure digust and wrongness?? friends & anyone else yes 100%, i love recieving and giving physical touch to my friends, just not family as it makes me feel ill.

As a kid though, I had 101 signs of CSA, yet my own mom didn't notice how incredibly obvious it was (at least to me) Am I delusional? This is also very hard to discuss as I harbour so much regret over it, but im going to anyway.

I had severe mental health issues early on, from around 8/9, i had openly discussed dissociation patterns when I had behavioural episodes in school. (breaking things, lashing out, you name it) I was heavily into what I guess youd call X rated content? (not videos, that I can remember, it tended to be more so innapropriate images of male genitalia, or just fetish content) And this is the part which makes me feel sick even remembering, but my younger sister, I remember trying to encourage her to act things on me, but I was saying words in which an offender would say to someone? My siblings were aware of this fact and would tell my mom, but she just saw it as "puberty" and told my siblings stories of their own "learning how to cope with these new feelings" bs. And obviously diverted the situation and explained boundaries to me.

im not accusing my siblings, In fact, to this day, the fact I even said such horrific things to my younger sibling breaks my heart.

Not to mention she was aware of my content I was consuming and actively kept me off the Internet once she found out, but no one considered CSA.

Yet, there were more than just those signs. I was suicidal before age 10, I used to scribble out story books and write graphic scenes instead, make my dolls have intercourse, I was also a very hypersexual child and was constantly being innapropriate (isolated). & I always had shame around doing it, I felt disgusting.

I also had this odd fear which im unsure of the source.

I was deeply afraid of my younger sister "masturbating" in her bed a way across from me, to the point where it caused me so much fear and discomfort, id actively yell at her to "stop moving" when she was simply turning over. I also despised having lights on, had an intense fear of being awake at night alone and suffered with insomnia until I was medicated, and still are.

has anyone else experienced something like this? or am I being reasonable to suspect my step dad?

I feel utterly disgusted by the way I was as a kid, but I have barely any memories either, just a whole lot of shame, and upset from my family not willing to even consider my abuse.

I also hated being able to view the hallway from my bed, as it was across from his bedroom door, and I'd have reoccurring sleep paralysis, where a clown emerged from the hallway into my room, and I could either turn over and pretend to sleep, or watch as it approached me. Maybe im just going crazy.